Dan Taylor Is Giving Up On Women

Funniest book read for awhile love it! Karen Faking it in France. W/L

This is soooh funny. I hope you will do as I have, and rope a friend into helping you edit. You need a romance/comedy loving spelling/grammer nazi. Teachers are great for this. I'm dyslexic, so I mispell the odd word, mix up numbers, etc. I am keeping your book on my shelf because you have a winner. I have had great feedback from another online workshop. They review chapter by chapter and if you can get one of the nit-pickers to follow you, they spot all your mistakes and catch inconsistencies, etc. You may need more in depth feedback than you get here. Either in a local writers' group or online. Please push forward on this novel. You need to make it happen. Good luck!!!

DAN TAYLOR
This is a good story. I opened it because I liked the title. And immediately liked Dan as well. He’s very sympathetic as he details the bad ending of the New Year’s Eve party. Like the way, too, he compares what his friends plan to do as housebreaking a pet. I think you’ll find a wide audience for this among young adults who wish they were better at the dating scene and will want to read this to hopefully pick up some pointers on how to be more successful. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

This made me laugh out loud. Not only was it funny, but also smart and wonderfully well observed. I would agree with some of the previous comments that it could perhaps do with some editing - in particular regarding the tense changes in chapter 1 which need tightening up - but you've got the big stuff right; an engaging MC that I instantly feel for and care about, a strong and interesting story line that makes me want to keep turning the pages, and a light hearted, witty tone that makes for easy reading. 6 star material as far as I'm concerned, very much enjoyed!

Best of luck with it.

Oktober

"I want to marry you and let you use my sexual organs howsoever you desire for the rest of our lives, was the message I hoped to convey when I shrugged and said 'sure.'

Hah hah hah! Okay, there are many other wonderful funny bits like this one, but this is my favorite. :)

You have a lovely voice for your narrator (Dan's voice). Dan, by the end of the first chapter, is someone I feel like I know. You characterize him well. The story is strong, pulling the reader along to want to know more.

Here are my suggestions: First of all, I think it's hard to see that there is a flashback from New Year's Day to Eve; maybe set this apart more apparently. I think some sentences are a bit long, and the meaning gets lost when you plop an especially lengthy parenthetical aside in the middle of an already lengthy sentence. It's good to have some very short sentences. The variation lets a reader rest. I think towards the middle the tense goes from past to present tense, starting somewhere around "Twenty to midnight and food is served..." You return to past tense with, "Luckily she laughed..." There is an "OK" somewhere in there, and I always suggest author's write this out as "okay" so readers don't think there's an emphasis on this word.

I think the plot is great, the characters charming in their realistic ways, and the voice/jokes excellent. You just need to go through and find the grammatical issues! I believe in this!

-Cassandra Porter
LOVE, DEATH, OR THE GIFT OF HAPPINESS

I nearly wet myself laughing, and I usually have excellent bladder control

Genuinely loved this. I loved the snarky tone through-out the first chapter. It boarded on bitchy, but never quite was, which just heightened the humour.

Dan is a clever creation. I can’t help but want to know more about him. He’s just a hopeless romantic deep down isn’t he? I think this would make a really great TV comedy because It has that little quirky edge to it.

There is some author waffle in places and I couldn’t tell if it was intentional or not, but either way it was still quite funny.

The writing on a whole needs some tidy up done. There are a good few typos and the odd tense slip. (I’m useless to spot my own mistakes so I’m a bit kettle calling the pot black here).

Best of luck with this.

Janny

RCG Review: Chapter 3

OK, by now you know what's coming. She's standing there, with a frown, hands-on-ample-hips, muttering about punctuation and run-on sentences. She shakes her head, wondering why there's nothing new to complain about. But, wait a minute, um ... oh look! Run on paragraphs! The entire first section, post Boobies22. (sighs contentedly) You need to break up each 'image' into separate paragraphs. That allows the reader to catch a breath and prepare for the next assault.

Same complaint: punctuation, some dropped words, some unnecessary verbiage ... the usual suspects.

Now the good news: the section after 'Peason and Associates, Dan speaking.' This .. *this* is what you want. Short, crisp dialog, delivered in a believable style and clearly defining the relationship between Dan and Rob. It also reinforces Dan's misgivings, his innate personality conflicts and his newfound resolve to work on fixing his sorry state of (non) affairs. Best line: "In the background I could actually hear Hannah's eyes rolling."

Premise: definitely promising. There's humor intermixed with pathos but to make said humor effective, construct the narrative so that it's not lost under a pile of thoughts and images and unnecessary words. My two favorite scenes: the store and the phone conversation with Rob. Why? Because they were the best written.

Fix this and (donning my publisher's hat) I'd be predisposed to continue reading. WL'd.

RCG Review: Chapter 2

I'm going to freeform this, paragraph-by-paragraph.
First off, it may seem like a good idea to begin with dialog but you've not introduced Hannah and we immediately ask who she is - it forces a pause where you don't want one. Start with the 2nd para and then go to the dialog.
P4, comma needed between 'job and Dan'
P5: a guy's gonna use the term "fashionably challenging spectacles'? That entire sentence is a mouthful. Read it out loud.
P6: Here's why you need double quotes. Use a comma after bastards' so that 'Rob chipped in' becomes your dialog tag. Comma after helpfully. Need new para for 'You know...' Commas needed around Vince Vaughn, through him, not them. No ? after with. Comma after Well.
P7: period after Benedict, capitalize she for new sentence, no comma after to

Note: learn how to punctuate properly. Nothing will disqualify a manuscript faster than sloppy punctuation. I'm not going to flag this chapter further - it needs a complete do-over for grammar and punctuation.
Second rant: excessive run-on sentences. The dialog fails because 1) it's not natural and 2) you are trying too hard to be clever and the excessive verbiage puts paid to that effort. They're called 'one-liners' for a reason.

'The two of them started talking among themselves...' should be 'between themselves'.
The bit where they all act sophomoric set my GenX radar on high alert - not seeing these 'friends' as terribly sympathetic characters at this point, quite the opposite.
The 'Hn. sits out there. Is it dialog?
'...compete with that?" He - he is not capitalized.

Overall impression: while I understand the set-up, my reaction to the 'friends' is less than positive, although I do see how they might have the moxie to orchestrate the pending scenario. The sentences are bulky, difficult to read. Breaking them up will enhance the flow considerably and will do much to promote the humorous sections and leave the reader with some memorable images. As constructed, it's ... a chore to read. The last scene, in the store, was this chapter's strength on several levels: dialog (short, to the point), descriptions ditto, nice segue into his changing (hopefully) mindset and a hint of what to expect next.

As a publisher, I'm looking at this thinking, "Yeah, I see where's he's going and it might be interesting/funny/insightful, but ... crap, this is going to take a boatload of work to fix. File in round folder." If you don't want to be in the round folder, edit, polish.

Arrgh. I just read all of this, and now I want to know how it ends! On top of that, I wrote a long, scintillating comment, and then Autho froze up on me and lost it. So here's what you get now:

It could use some editing, but I didn't write down many typo comments. I was enjoying the humor too much to screw around with it - and that says something. You have wordiness that sometimes goes too far, you have authorial intrusion... and you have Voice, which may trump the rest. I'll message you the three things that really bothered me badly, and leave the rest to you. I did wish you hadn't given away so much in your pitches - it sort of wrecked the suspense to know from the start that he's going to fall for his friend's wife.

He's adorable though, and I want only the best for him, so you win on that score.

Now then... what happens next?

Edit - Since you loaded up the ending for me, I read the rest. I like the ending, but I felt so sad.

This is a review for the Romance Crit Group.

1) Pitch: The tag line gives too much away and leaves you wondering why you need to read further, It's overly wordy. Keep it to a snappy one-liner.
Blurb: The first paragraph has a mis-spelling in the parentheses (remember, this is the first thing readers see - it needs to be perfect). In addition, that paragraph does not make a lot of sense. Second paragraph: rework the clause 'when even being...' as it is bulky and gives unnecessary information. Bionic romancer? Huh? "Into someone's pants" had me thinking M/M romance—how about 'someone's thongs' to clarify? Third paragraph: okay, not great but serviceable. A bit wordy. You need a final zinger line that says 'read on, this gets bettter, more complicated, funnier,' etc.

2) Plot: Chapter One is primarily set up so no clear plot emerges at this point. However, the author defines the character quite well.

3) Pacing: Pacing becomes moot when sentence construction overwhelms the reader with overly long, disjointed and unrelated packets of information, observations and all the other trappings of a 'tell' scenario (see what I mean?). Read the sentences out loud. When you need to pause for breath, put a period there and create a new sentence.
As Dan ruminates on the dangers of being Nice Dan, and how that inevitably ends up on the wrong side of 'no nookie', there's a certain breathlessness to the delivery, an urgency to the throwaway sarcasm that treads on irritating rather than humorous. From a female perspective, one immediately understands that the flip side of the Nice Dan coin is stamped with a variety of not-so-flattering sobriquets. This sets up an interesting conundrum.

4) Spelling/grammar: Not bad. It would be better with shorter sentences—crisper, with more 'punch' so the one-liners stand on their own rather than being buried in a morass of verbiage. I found a dropped word here and there. I prefer double quotes to single for dialog (invariably you will need a quote within a quote). There's the occasional passive voice [Twenty to midnight and food is served...]. There's a tendency to not include a comma after a line of dialog and before the dialog tag. Plurals when the word ends in 's' should be Angus', not Angus's.

5) Dialogue: I had no trouble with the UK pop culture references and slang. There wasn't a lot of dialog in C-1 but the one telling bit, the one that said this is Gen-30-something vs Gen-jailbait was: "So that's me incapable of dating a cheque properly for the next three months." Bingo: queue self-awareness 101.

6) Voice/style: Properly snarky for this type of story. First person is handled reasonably well (and I hate to keep harping but most people, in first person, do not talk to themselves using sentences that run for three lines or better). Rework the sentences. You will improve delivery, and the reading experience.

7) Characterization: Probably the strength of this chapter. In Valley Speak, with appropriate hand gestures and cocked hip, 'Loser' comes to mind, tempered with a modicum of sympathy and empathy. He came [no pun intended] very close but walked away ... for all the right reasons. Mr. Nice Dan? Maybe. Must. Read. More.

Hi Neal
Humourous and entertaining backed and starred :)
regards
Sheila

Hi Neal, thoroughly enjoyed the chapters that I read, reminded me of Mike Gayle who I love - well, not literally but you know what I mean! It's always great to see things from a male perspective and you write really well. I think we all know a 'Dan'. I'm happy to do a proper Chick Lit Crit if you want but in the meantime I've highly starred it, backed it and will put it on my bookshelf when I do my next reshuffle.

All the best
Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

This is laugh out loud funny. I was glued after the first line in your long pitch and you did a great job of holding my attention the whole way through what I read. Only had time for a couple of chapters now but I'm most definately coming back for more. Backed and starred and staying on my shelf for a good while. Roddy Doyle eat your heart out lol

I like your writing, a bit Nick Hornby meets One Day (can't remember his name but ykwim)
Will comment further when I 've finished - but funny which is a good thing!

from the first moment i stepped into this script I saw it as a movie. Or better said - a series. A very successful one, with a main male lead we would adore for his antics. I can see why you love Woody Allen: it seems that you think in the same way.
AND the writing voice is great too! high rated
Leelah saachi

:) Read CH1 and half of CH2. It did make me smile. I like it a lot. I'll read through CH1-3 and if you like I'll do a detailed crit (as per the Chick Lit Crit Group). But first I'll let you know what I think as a reader.

There are bits in the first chapter that nearly had me falling of the treadmill (I read at the gym - don't ask). The Cheerio and one carat sugar puff? What hearless cow says no to that? I said yes to a piece of chenille tied in a circle (from DH's fly fishing fly making kit - another don't ask) Love it.

Will read CHs 1-3 and maybe the rest if it's as good as this.

Starred and backed.

Cx

Funny, fresh and highly entertaining. On my watchlist awaiting promotion and six whole stars. Good luck. yours bea

Thanks L_MC -- really appreciate the comments.

Thanks for noticing Dan's decidedly girly taste. The decision to have Dan be into a lot of TV and movies that aren't bloke-ish was based on a couple of things. Firstly I suspect there lots of guys watch this stuff, a kinda squeaky clean little secret. Or maybe that is just me...

Also I think from the novels that I have seen where the guy is the lead in a romantic comedy he tends to be laddish and a bit obnoxious but learns to grow as he meets the woman of his dreams, but I wanted to have it go more the other way have a decent guy who needs to get a bit more of a backbone -- make a stand for the nice boy next door!

Thanks for picking up the errors too -- a couple of handy things I can do something about .

Looking forward to returning the favour and getting stuck into your novel!

Neal, I've read 5 chapters now so feel able to comment.

I can see how the story is taking shape and how the triangle of friends could have the potential to get complicated as the pitch promises.

You've done a good job of creating Dan as the hopeless romantic, he's not coming across as so weak you couldn't connect or have sympathy for him, you've got him trying and wanting more but he has a conscience, a broken heart and his nerves just get the better of him leading him into awkward situations. I can see lots of potential for fun moments in the dates to follow. It's a little unusual, but not unheard of, for men to write chick lit (and whilst this has the right tone and plot for chick lit I'm not sure if I'm giving it the right tag given the lead character is a man). If a woman had written some of Dan's traits I might have been concerned that some of them were too effeminate and that people would immediately latch on to them and think well that's because a woman wrote it, so I found it interesting that you gave Dan a love of musicals and that he likes his Ally McBeal and Glee boxsets.

By the end of chapter five I'm wondering how faithful Rob will be to Hanna and how they'll resolve the child issue.

Without knowing that Dan will fall for Hanna I'd still read on just to see what sort of trouble giving friends control of his love-life would get him into.

I noticed a couple of sentences in chapter two that possibly could be tightened:
'...when he told her that that viral guerilla marketing bloke...' - don't think you need the that repetition.
'...the more I think it was just this total absence of something in me that she finally noticed that finally prompted her to leave.' - repetition of finally.

Good luck with this and I'll be interested to see the reception male lead chick lit receives.

I read your three chapters after reading your post on the 'shameless plug' forum - I LOVE the synopsis, and what i've read so far is good. I've added you to my watchlist and I can't wait to read the rest and see if it lives up to the synopsis!

Crikey, that was quick -- thanks! I'm looking forward to returning the favour and reading your chapters on here. It'll give me something to do while I wait for the anticipated flood of demand for relationship advice from made-up people with no relevant qualifications whatsoever...

I read your three chapters after reading your post on the 'shameless plug' forum - I LOVE the synopsis, and what i've read so far is good. I've added you to my watchlist and I can't wait to read the rest and see if it lives up to the synopsis!