The Mobius Flip

Sexual chemistry, superb command and control of dialogue with assured recapulative writing are the hallmarks of this very readable book by Cassandra Porter. Graphic sexual conjugations challenge the reader to consider the varying levels of developing relationships beyond the mere physical experience of actions seeking to validate emotions that young adults can identify with. A particular outstanding feature of the writing is the excellently executed dialogue. Krissy is a type: initially self conscious and sexually aware beyond the range of adolescent experience and many readers of this generation will identify readily with this genre. Her journey seeking ultimate happiness will engross empathic readers and resonate due to its overall amoral tone. The book chimes neatly with the attitudes and relationship values of the present time and I believe it is emminently commercial. ***** Tony Brady - SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE - books 1,2 &3.

I agree with everyone else the first chapter was very interesting and I really enjoyed it. This is a very well written book and I can't wait to read more highly starred.

good dialogue. enjoyable read.
j

Dear all who are about to read this book,

I can't get the site to upload the newest version of my cover or the first chapter, so things don't match up with the new title at the moment. Please ignore the definitions at the beginning of chapter one and the old cover. I will change these as soon as Authonomy lets me.

-Cassandra Porter

Hello,

Lovely sensitive prose and a really truthful characterisation of Krissy.

I think you shift very nicely , very rapidly,from the pleasant trivia into the drama in her life.

I fins it really difficult to write female parts myself, I wonder if you find the same challenge with writing male parts?

Just a thought that you might like to bear in mind as you write, in Britain we have a kinda skewed and very superficial image of high school America, it's basically the only teen culture we get!

The moment we're in a "Mall" or a Dodge or anything typically American there's an awful lot of baggage everyone will have brought into our understanding of the story.

Something for you to think on anyway.

In anycase congratulations on a very readable story.

Sincerely and with Regards

Kit

You clearly have writing talent and there are some good bits, many good bits but also some confusing bits. I don't like the title much but maybe that's just me. I'll need to read more before I can fully make up my mind about this one. The character seemed very self conscious and it reminded me of myself.I'll be back...

You clearly have writing talent and there are some good bits, many good bits but also some confusing bits. I don't like the title much but maybe that's just me. I'll need to read more before I can fully make up my mind about this one. The character seemed very self conscious and it reminded me of myself.I'll be back...

Sexual chemistry, superb command and control of dialogue with assured recapulative writing are the hallmarks of this very readable book by Cassandra Porter. Graphic sexual conjugations challenge the reader to consider the varying levels of developing relationships beyond the mere physical experience of actions seeking to validate emotions that young adults can identify with. A particular outstanding feature of the writing is the excellently executed dialogue. Krissy is a type: initially self conscious and sexually aware beyond the range of adolescent experience and many readers of this generation will identify readily with this genre. Her journey seeking ultimate happiness will engross empathic readers and resonate due to its overall amoral tone. The book chimes neatly with the attitudes and relationship values of the present time and I believe it is emminently commercial. ***** Tony Brady - SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE - books 1,2 &3.

Psyco-holes
Cassandra Porter

First, not sure about the Title of this book. I remember guys in high school using this term in a very rude way to refer to girls they didn't like.

To be honest, I'm not into YA books. I read the first chapter and am wondering about the genre and what makes this "literary" fiction. Maybe this is found out later but it seems very "Young Adult" to me. We have a young girl who seems pretty normal with all her concerns about how she looks, her skin, weight, etc. She is self-conscious, nervous around lots of people, especially when she is the focus of attention. I know from the pitch that she meets a guy and goes through changes which she may not be pleased with. Beyond that, I'm not sure where the story is headed and would like to know more up front regarding actual plot before investing a lot more time in it.

I noticed adverbs are used generously and would suggest some attention there. I listed things below that stuck out to me while reading. I'd suggest lots of editing on this project and then re-submitting. My only intention in any critique, is to benefit the writer. The comments here can be taken or tossed, as they are just my opinions. Hope this was helpful...and thanks for sharing your story!

- I freed my hair from the bathing cap....watching the chorine-rich water (did you mean "chlorine"?) Also, just wondered why the emphasis on the water looking like juice...or milk...or ink....?)
- But alas, I was granted a... (In this paragraph there are four sentences in a row beginning with "Then". Imo, this needs to be fixed.)
- "See your name, honey?"... thinking I hadn't heard her appraisal...(The word, appraisal, doesn't seem right...maybe, praise? As, an appraisal is an evaluation, judgment, or review; not sure it works here.)
- "Cold. Creamy ice cream." (This reads odd to me and seems like it should be, "Cold, creamy ice cream." Just me...?)
- "You sure?" mom verified disappointedly. (Not sure "verified" is the right word here as she's not verifying anything by asking. Seems it would be Krissy who would verify her decision not to go by her answer.)
- "Roger," I said....I'm sure she thought, "Oh my goodness, a boy!" (This is the second time someone's thoughts are in quotation marks, as though they are speaking out loud. Just wondering if this is technically correct? Maybe better to italicize? )
- "Yes, I feel like grilled chicken....(In this paragraph she gets her mother wet. A bit confusing since she was wet in the beginning, then with her green towel, she was dry as a bone, now wet again. Just saying...it stood out to me.)
- The stall door tick-tocked side to side...(Just want to mention here, when reading first person, I am always concerned over the use of "I". In this paragraph, and others, "I" is used often.
- They told me that I hit my head pretty hard. (Not sure about the word "commotion" here. Commotion might be better describing what happened after she was discovered, but the old lady hearing "all the commotion", just from her falling down...doesn't sound right, imo.)
- Andie's face was red from crying. (This paragraph needs work, imo. There are three things going on here that don't tie together, especially the last line...it just kind of sticks out like an afterthought, having nothing to do with the prior sentence.)

First impressions. You seem to be a natural writer. If you’re not, then you have me fooled. Much of the first chapter is filled with little gems of writing that showcase your voice. It's clear from reading these that you know your character well.

That said, I think you need to cut the first chapter and the beginning of the second. It wasn't until the paragraph starting with.... "“With a compact clank, a small glass…" that I felt truly engaged with the story. I'd love to see you repackage the best material in the first chapter, transform it into subtext that will influence Krissy's behavior, starting here, with this bar scene.
You have a really deep character, one that will be worth waiting for in terms of learning what makes her tick. Right now, with this opening, we are drowning in her. It is much better if you allow us to briefly wet our lips, give us a taste, tease us, put her into this bar scene and let, Krissy, do her thing. There's no need to explain all her actions to us. We'll stick around to have those questions answered.

I love the cover art, and the title made me laugh. I don't know if that was what you were going for but it happened.

Great dialogue, it made me really under stand the MC of the story, and feel her emotions. Though I don't 'review' writing as much I just read and tell you what I thought (I'm the last person who should be an editor) but I saw very few to no typos/errors in your work. Highly starred.

a pitch i can relate to....
j
what every woman should know

Psyche-holes. Your cover is striking, but your pitches are rather long drawn out. It took me ages to refine mine, and I'm still tinkering. It seems that you may have the same trouble. I understand what you are saying, but try to say it in fewer words, with less repeitition. The first sentence of your long pitch gives a good character sketch of Krissy up to the word 'intoxication', but then it becomes a bit of a muddle.
The Impeccable Editor is great for advice on pitches - it might be worth your asking - they are so important. But I am nevertheless tempted to read on.

I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert, and it's your book, so you dont have to do what I suggest!

Ch.1. Thankyou for the explanation of the title!
You have an interesting story and a breathless way with words, so I can get under Krissy's skin and understand her emotions. But I feel you could say it all with fewer words!
Perhaps, for starters, you could search all the '-ly' words and determine if each is actually totally necessary. Editors dont like too many adjectives, and there are some words which are better left out, like apparently, annoyingly, really, already, finally, just, naturally, unfortunately, literally.

Ch.2. If you want more unnecessary words - only, generally, allegedly, supposedly, just.
I do like your style of writing, which would become even better when not so verbose.
Your veiled humour is attractive.
You use the word force three times in two sentences when you gulp down the drink. That is jarring for the reader.
Your description of the man's face is very good, and their dialogue and the narrator's drunken thoughts are authentic as well as a touch amusing. But it goes on for too long and my eyelids are drooping.
But something makes me turn to Ch.3. You write with feeling.

Ch.3. This flows better, and enhances your powers of description. It is also much shorter than Ch.2.

Ch.4. The bit about panning for an opal is a good surprise, and leads naturally on to the narrator contacting Brandon.
You need to check the grammar of the first sentence regarding Jerry.
I swear I'd 've had to read for the full twenty minutes before the narrator meets up with Brandon - if I hadnt skipped so many paragraphs.
Then he talks about Carmen. It's always boring and often disastrous when past girl/boy friends are brought into the conversation.

Your book is still in the first stages of writing. There are some gems in it, and the story line, though slow to develop, is promising. Now the hard work starts - ruthless cutting out of everything which is not completely necessary to the plot (you can always re-insert it later if necessary: that's the beauty of computers). Editors like trim, fine-tuned stories.
You'll find it will all be worth it, because you write well.
Good luck with this.
Jane (Breath of Africa)

I agree with everyone else the first chapter was very interesting and I really enjoyed it. This is a very well written book and I can't wait to read more highly starred.

Hi Cassandra,

As I read through chapter one, I found myself feeling excited. This is unique, compelling and clean writing. I really like it, and I love Krissy with all her paranoia and delusional thoughts. Don't we all have varying degrees of Krissy within us?

I'm backing this. I'd appreciate it if you could take a look at my book, Tursting Claude.

Thaks.

Juli ITrusting Claude)

Cassandra,

I read several chapters and I thought it was interesting. This isn't my usual genre so I am not sure if I have anything constructive to add. I think you did a great job with making the dialog natural and grabbing the reader. I do agree with one comment that some of the conversations seemed to go on for a bit. You probably need to go through and edit some of the information that doesn't need to be there. I did a lot slicing and dicing on mine too. Great start. Keep up the good work.

you marry narrative and dialogue very well, here to make a very good book...
l have backed already.
read SEASONS...
merry christmas

I've just read 4 chapters. Krissy is a very interesting character, complex, articulate.
The writing is very good, and very detailed, but over-done in places. In chapter two in particular. I didn't think the conversations slowed things down as another commenter did, the dialougue was fine and worked well for me, there was just too much detail. In fact, i think that could apply to most of the chapters i read; it's all very good, dialogue great, characters well developed, but the amount of detail does slow things dwon for me at times. The chapters are very long, which many readers will steuggle with. The MC is so good that i kept reading, and will continue to do so, because this kind of conflicted and troubled lead character always appeals greatly to me.
I think you would benefit from a little editing, just re-reading it yourself and being ruthless in what you cut. Most writers would agree that is a very hard part of writing, but it's essential. You have the right ingredients that i look for, ie good characters and dialogue, and i've seen enought to show me you're a good writer with a good story to tell. I'll keep this on WL and have given it high stars.

Hi Cassandra, I've made a start. I've read chapter 1 so far, and I found this a really appealing character study of someone a little too hard on themselves or too sensitive, maybe, for the harsh, unforgiving world. Anyway, the main character is strong, solid and real, despite her own perceived weaknesses, which make us feel for her all the more. The stuff with the parents was really well done, and the accident. I can't fault the writing at all, so feedback possibly not that useful. My shelf is absolutely jammed, but I'm going to sprinkle some stars to hopefully get this noticed and speed it up the charts.

Mark, The Devil's fan Club

I think you are quite a talented writer - you keep the pace quick and witty, although i fear that the second chapter might have been a bit much. The conversation is rather superficial and a whole chapter of it gets a little bit much.

Your main character intrigues me, and I wonder what she actually looks like, and whether it is anything like what she THINKS she looks like.

I think you have something here, although I think you should think about condensing the second chapter, as I feel that you loose me a little there.

I wish you the best of luck!!

Wonderful dialogue with a captivating storyline. Brief WL then Backed.

Yes, I want this to challenge the reader. But this is a story about something that is very real, people being cursed with a need-to-please, perfectionism; with perfectionism, one cannot feel happy about oneself no matter what, for perfection can never be reached. This is a journey for a girl who gets away from her self-consciousness just to fall into another personality problem, the extreme opposite. It is a tragedy. The protagonist is by no means a hero or someone to admire.

Cassandra,

A very interesting and troubling read (ch1). Certainly this poor girl has a lot of issues, not helped by the insensity of others or the over attentiveness of her family.

I love the play on words of your title, it really works.

Thie is well written, and explains a lot about the way some people feel about themselves, without (at this stage) explaining why, I guess that is addressed later as the story evolves, or I hope it is.

We certainly get into the mind of the young lady, but it is very diffucult to empathise with someone who seems to be doing so well and yet feels so badly about themselves, and this is why the story will challenge the reader. I hope that this does well.

Best regards
Warrick