Elise

Chapter 3
Yes! a new chapter's up, this is exciting!
"I couldn't even tell if the person..." it sounded odd when you used "Their" and "they" for one person/creature. Perhaps if it read "Its" since it doesn't quite look human. I wish English had more neutral words! Maybe we should coin something. "Shim" or "SHit"
"to strain to breathe" sounded a little odd on my tongue. Maybe "continued to breathe raspily" or "The person said nothing, the only noise coming from it was its labored breathing"
"in the stench of sulfur" could be "with the stench of sulfur"
I wonder if the woman was a smoker.
"trickle" could be "trickled"
Her previous life sounds really sad.
"I salvaged pieces of my own stories from the burn pile- I stopped writing." that was a really abrupt explanation. Were there any tears? or a feeling of betrayal?
"made good grades" maybe "earned"
"Everyone sins and if they are not saved, they will suffer for eternity." Lol, the irony.
What religion is that? sounds conservative to the extreme
Geesh, her stepmom's really judgmental. I see how she was dragged down to the Ninth circle so quickly. As soon as she realized where she was, the judgment probably backfired and kicked her on her ass.
I'm loving this, wish there was more to read. Is Elise single? Dope, would have to kill myself just to meet her.

Hi JJ
i enjoyed your intro to this world and I like your take on the big red place. I like Elise's spirit and she has plenty of gumption - did I just use the word "gumption" in a sentence? That's def a first. What I would say is so far I'm not empathising with her - I have to assume why she murdered her stepmother - presumably suitably wicked as she was, but I think a little more re that in chapter 1 - even a few more lines -would get me on side with her and then feel for her re the ensuing suicide. Otherwise job well done and I'll place it on my w/list and come back to it.
All the best
Derek
The Angel Chord

Amazing! A fresh and unusual premise and clear confident writing. It will be fun to watch this climb the charts.

This is such a fantastic idea. I finished reading the first chapter and I'm very impressed. Elise is very well-fleshed out and the dialogue between her and her demon was so realistic I felt like I was overhearing a real conversation. I am totally in love with how well the atmosphere and rules have been fleshed out so far-- I feel like this version of Hell is a real place, rather than just a smoky, insubstantial backdrop for the story.

This is just plain awesome. I'm putting you on my shelf, and I hope to read more soon!

xx Jasmine

I'm backing this and recommending it to others.

Chapter 1
Looking over this, it's already pretty well polished. You have a very firm grasp of punctuation, I would say better than my own.
"he barked in response to my comment about the pace of the line." I would maybe just shorten it to "he barked in response"
"still not sure I believed him" could be changed to "still unsure if I believed him"
Your freezer sounds very much like my own.
saying "Wallace the retriever" in her thoughts kind of makes the description sound forced. could cut "the retriever"
poor Wallace
"but the difference..." could be "but it was the difference..."
This is really really good. I was very impressed with your writing, it's much better than some of the things I've seen reach the editor's desk. I'm glad I was one of the first to read it on here, makes me feel special.
Chapter 2
"for a moment letting my worst fears play out..." could have a comma after moment
"of dark asphalt" could be "with dark asphalt"
"Store windows were blackened in the pattern of the flames that had lapped at the glass." She just got there, how does she know that flames had lapped at the glass? it could read something like "Store windows were blackened in a pattern, as though flames had lapped at the glass."
"The newspaper booth outside of a cafe hung open..." I would cut "outside of a cafe." Or describe the cafe in a sentence before it.
The way you describe abstract concepts leaves me amazed and bewildered. You're like a super genius. My mind is blown.
It has me wondering, is there really a Hell and a Heaven? Maybe they exist simultaneously here. Two different people see the world in entirely different ways. One expects to be punished for her sins. The other feels that she deserves a piece of paradise, so they perceive their afterlife in entirely different ways.
"I'm not sure why, in fact, no one I've spoken with knows." sounds a little awkward when I read it. maybe something like: "I'm not sure why. In fact, no one I've spoken with knows."
"pathetic little girl, crying to a teacher..." could use a comma after girl
"a smile was twitching the corners of my mouth" could be "at the corners"
"So do you think deserve it now?" could be "So do you think you deserve it now?"
"I couldn't help but to smile" could lose "to"
I like how she was tempted by something that she thought she wanted, but she ended up getting what she really needed.
"I made to ask her" could be "I wanted to ask her"

So I've read everything on here and I think I'm in love. That's never happened to me before. I'm definitely giving this 6 stars. I want it on the editor's desk. I want to read more. For a first draft, you've done what I wished I could do with five or ten revisions. You've tackled a series of very abstract ideas, and turned them into an entire world. This deserves to be published. This should be published. I want to fly to your booksigning and shake your hand.

Oh, this is funny and I love the idea. Yes, it could do with an edit, it's a first draft as you said, but I really like it. You could try the faux agents thread on the forum for a bit of fun - look for 'If I were an agent, I'd stop reading....' I will watchlist this, and await more chapters. I'll also shelve it when my queue's gone down. I'm a YA writer, too, and it's good to see something unusual. Well done. :)