Beyond the Honeysuckle Trail

Eclipse of Faith is a story that a reader cannot help but empathise with the characters and their situation.

It is told in a simple, honest, yet very evocative manner. Emotions from anticipation, happiness, to extreme sadness is captured brilliantly in the prose that a reader can’t help be moved by some events.

It is a story of faith, lost off faith, great loss and overwhelming emotional pain, and love, brought beautifully together and richly portrayed so subtly it takes you a little by surprise and makes you realise how fragile human relations ships, life, and ones spiritual search are.

A brilliant and thought provoking piece of writing.

Hi Ruby,
I've only read the first four chapters so far. I felt so sorry for James and his wife and I was relieved when the second pregnancy produced healthy babies. You did a great job pulling me into the story right away. When I turned to chapter two, at first I thought Jame's son was the pov character but it didn't take long to figure out he was a neighbor. I now know where your screen name 'painted pony' came from. That's kinda cool.

I like Christine and I wonder what happened to her brother in the accident. And her mother, too. I'm worried that her brother may have died and her mother may have been injured. I'll have to keep reading to find out. You've done a wonderful job of giving just enough backstory, and making the reader want to know more.

The pacing is very good, and so are the characterizations. The only problem I had was in understanding the lay of the land. I was momentarily confused about the barn. I figured out that it was James Weather's barn and that it is maybe not close to his house. At first, I thought it was Randall's father's barn. Anyway, I love the story so far and I'll come back and read more soon.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Beyond the Honeysuckle Trail
A PLC review


I’ve read the entire upload, and since I finished reading I keep thinking it’s a book I can pick up and continue reading at a later date, which is always a sign of a good read. An excellent first chapter, setting the scene for the theme of the story. There are some beautiful descriptive phrases; ‘as though a ghost had laced them neatly shut with needle and thread’ amongst many others.

The chilling and heartbreaking suggestion of what the midwife might have seen the night the stillborn baby boy was born, works so well in laying the ground for James’ emotional disassociation from Nellie’s second pregnancy, I can understand that so well. I love the simple tone which so powerfully evokes the frightened man, preparing himself for the dread of what might happen again just so that he can stand it when or if it does. But in doing that, how sad that he misses out on all the joy of the expectancy of birth.
I really like the narrative from James’ perspective, the way he feels inside, the experience of his anticipation, regret, happiness and fear. I am right there with him, the way he wants to be able to be sure of everything but can’t possibly. He comes across as a completely defined character.

I don’t get such a strong sense of the experiencing, feeling character of Randall, it says in the pitch ‘a rebellious teen hell-bent on destruction’ but I personally don’t feel I’ve been given the evidence for this, apart from the engine-revving when we’re first introduced to him. Instead he comes across to me as quite a gentle, caring soul even though he keeps telling himself he isn’t.

Lovely as it is, I find the scenario of a beautiful girl grabbing Randall as he runs pell-mell from his dad a bit hard to believe in. I would have thought she’d have been terrified by someone hurtling through the woods, especially with all the warnings she would have received from her anxious father, her being the only remaining member of his family who he must feel an intense desire to protect. But I did find the later connection they discovered in the ways they’d both tried to abate their pain over their dead mothers quite touching and very human.

As for James, what can I say? The losses he’s had to deal with would seem unbearable, and yet people do deal with losses like these and make a stronger, inspired way of life out of them. You illustrate that your character draws on his Christian Faith as a coping mechanism, but to me it is James’ human spirit that manages to cope with the extreme tragedies of his life. His demonstration of his immense fortitude in the form of the cross shining down from the mountain, feeds into his fellow townsfolk – it’s James’ forbearance they are inspired by. I like the idea of the stories of those who draw comfort from his cross, but I think it would work better to have these interspersed throughout the book rather than having two together in a chapter. Maybe you’re planning to put in more of them.

It was clever to have the story of the roots, the introduction to Nambry and James’ attempt to tackle the ‘root’ of the problem but not quite cutting it out as he had not cut out all the roots of the weeds. And how Nambry’s problem comes back to destroy another part of James’ life as the weed had done.

The description of James’ reaction to Ben’s death is heartrending. And his quiet dignity at his son’s funeral.

I’ll always remember an extremely apt comment Frances Kay made on my book when it was being reviewed on this thread – ‘who exactly is your protagonist?’ (I’m actually still struggling to answer that one; I had a few protagonists I suppose is the answer, and maybe I should have kept one of them ‘out front’ throughout the whole book.) To me James seems by far the strongest contender for the title in BtHT and yet in the chapters uploaded so far, a lot of time is devoted to Randall’s inner feelings towards Christine. Maybe some of that could be condensed down a bit keeping James in the spotlight. We could observe some of the Christine/Randall interaction through his mind, signs he spots in the two of them.

The question of the bullets in the gun… Hepp knew that Randall had used one of his precious and oft-counted bullets; so wouldn’t he have replaced it immediately? Especially as he had discovered it the night before. I wonder if there’s a way of writing around this issue so that he only discovers it that morning and is so lost in his anger with Randall, and then the shock of Randall turning on him with the knife, that he then forgets to replace the bullet.

A true parabolic ending for the ‘baddy’, Hepp.
I loved reading this and look forward to reading more!

Tracey
Veil of Grey

Beyond the Honeysuckle Trail. A Phoenix LC review continued.

Ch.5. It's as if I'm reading on without a break. James's contentment and love for his family, and his temptation not to go out to the ponies are delicately portrayed. And then the back story.

One or two refinements to look out for on your next edit: beware repeating words close together: cold, heavy, that, even, he was.

'Couldnt she see he was dying inside as well' - these words say it all. How tragedy can come between the most loving of couples. Maybe you dont need to repeat the concept in so many words in the next paragraph.
And a back story within a back story - that cold chill consuming James as his spiritual connection with God is severed. Brilliantly done.

Ch.6. I think you've already said in the previous chapter that James found it hard to believe the twins were teenagers now.
That's a good allegory of the root of the bush - almost parable-like. And it is so natural for James to pray for a fruitful confrontation with Nambry. There are some true gems in your story - but I'm wondering what Nambry has to do with the main plot.

Ch.7. The pace slows a bit as we return to Randall and his self-analysis, then hope dawns - and that wicked enemy, dreaded doubt rears its ugly head.

Ch.8. You seem to be jumping forwards and back in time. A bit disconcerting for the reader. I am wanting to ignore the years in the chapter headings. And I'm wondering why you didnt show the scene of the twins receiving their ponies for Christmas in the earlier chapter.
'But then the teenager that had stolen his boy returned.' And the snowflakes covering the imprints of Ben's boots. A gem of a paragraph.
Gretchen? Ginger? What is the pony's name!

Ch.9. A tragic episode, with James's prayers to save his son, and then, when he knows the truth, for help. Beautiful and authentic.

Ch.10. The funeral scene is slow moving, and rather too many superfluous descriptive passages. I wonder why you havent kept to James's viewpoint.

Jane (Breath of Africa)

PLC Review
Beyond the Honeysuckle
Ruby,
I have read to chapter 10. 
This is an extremely well written and sad book. So sad, that I may actually have a hard time reading on. This is largely because, just as advertised, your main character greatly resembles Job.  There is something so fundamentally unfair about that story. The whole point of the story is  its unfairness, isn't it. It is a story from the old Book, and just like Isaac and Abraham, one that goes completely against the Christian principle of the merciful God. And just like those stories, this one is pulling hard at my emotions, making me angry and emotional. This is a sign of the book's success.
That having been said, i have some reservations.
I had never really read a modern Christian novel before I joined the site, so I don't have a great deal of experience with the genre. I understand that a certain amount of preachiness which sometimes made me roll my eyes is a sine-qua-non of the genre, and that there is no point objecting to it.  If I could, I would say that you don't need it, and that it detracts to some extent from the story. The intense religiousness of James differentiates him and makes him stand out in an interesting way, in a sense making him more foreign than universal.  This is something that makes him interesting and particular. His decision to put a cross in lights up on his barn is a fabulous bit of character development. But  I would say that the few moments where the narrative refers to his belief in  Jesus Christ (rather than showing his mourning) in a sense dull the impact of the story, for example when his son dies from the snake bite and you write:
God would breathe life back into his son’s limp body.

Yes Jesus, touch him with your healing hands…bring him back to me Jesus…please…bring him back Lord, bring him back…

In a sense, at least in the bit I read, the Christian aspect seemed a bit forced, masking a Faulkneresque tragedy which really is fabulous. My literary fiction sense wants you to go the tragic route, but I get the feeling that you may not want to do that.
I don't know if it is helpful, if that is not where you want to go. But I found the story of James fascinating, and did not want you to veer from it. And so the teenagers felt wrong. I wanted the entire story to focus on this wonderful, flawed character and how God challenges him.  While I don't think that Randall is a bad character, he just does not have the same depth- how can he? He is an adolescent... I think that the story line of Randall and what he finds beyond the honeysuckle is what you are setting up as your main driver, and I kind of wish it would go another way.
Anyhow, my review therefore is mixed. I feel that this is on the verge of being something really fantastic, but that the confines of your medium restrict you.
At the same time, I was so saddened by it that perhaps it is good that you give a glimmer of hope.
Hook and plot-this is really a fabulous first chapter hook, as I have said before, with the sweetness of the expectant parents dashed by the un- described horror of the stillbirth. I found the details of your writing enticing, the craving for the oranges, the smile, rarely to be seen again.  and then the birth of the twins, which of course brings with it the premonition that bad things will happen.
This is very a very good hook. However, I felt that you waver a bit in the intensity of the plot. While I like the plot line that follows James, I found the one with Randall a bit lacking. He is a teenage boy that is being inexplicably beaten by his father and reacts in a very typical way. Although I found the description of the beating and his reaction moving, and his characterisation well orchestrated, there was just not as much there.
I also found the sudden apparition of Christine a bit fortuitous.  He is actually running away from his father when this girl pulls him into the bushes .(!)
Sounds a bit scandalous, actually. 
I found myself getting annoyed at the YA plot line with the American Football Jock and the pimply awkward kid. The love interest a bit too blatant for the high literary style that you have set up with James.
I am interested in seeing how James will develop in light of his tragedies. Will his wife tell him to curse God and die? This other plot seems a distraction.
Character development- as you can imagine, my comments for this run along similar lines. I find an unbalance, and it makes me want for you to focus on the better developed characters. James is a gem. I really could get into this character, with his unyielding faith, his simplicity, his honesty. 
His wife, we really have not met. (What's her name again?) I am not sure if this is deliberate, but it is all right- it is fine for her to be in the background. 
I find the character of the townspeople as a whole, and particularly the undertaker, really very effective. Once again, Randall and Christine pale in comparison. Partly that is because their lives have less pathos, but also because you don't develop them as much. Randall, again, is a bit straight-forward at this point. Christine is barely developed. 
Ambiance and description- I feel you describe the town and the mountains very vividly, although efficiently.  I had a real feeling for the stifling heat in the church, the biting cold as the twins went out for their ponies, the town's folks gossiping... Again, the town is a very effective character it's own right. I found the description of the funeral in chapter ten spectacular.
So, all in all, this is a passionately mixed (and a bit convoluted) comment. I love parts of this book and am a bit disappointed with others. But I may be wanting a book that you do not what to write, in which case you ought to ignore me. I got a lot out of what I read, and some memorable images that I will remember for a very long time.  For this I am grateful.
Best of luck with it,
Maeve
P.S. I think chapter eighty moves too fast. I would suggest you break it up into at least two sections. It seems that on the same day they get gifted the ponies the accident happened. I realise this has a flashback, but the section before the flashback is so short that it is easy to miss. If you expand the description of the summer day and the outing before the flash back you can avoid this issue.

Ruby,
Just finished chapter one so far. I will read further, but as I am running rather late I wanted to leave a note.
This is a fantastic start. What a great hook with the unexplained and eerie stillbirth. Fantastic ambiance with the town folks gossiping about it, and the relief and satisfaction of the twins being born. This is a lovey and captivating introduction, and I am looking forward to reading on.
More soon,
Maeve

Randal played his part well. fab story

PLC Review: Beyond the Honeysuckle Trail

I read the entire 26 chapters posted here, and I have to say I was absolutely craving more when it was over. So that's always a good sign.

The prose is excellent throughout. Great turns of phrase, a subtle and quiet lyrical nature. I love the details, like the oranges Nellie eats in chapter one. The lovely small town you have painted is charming and idyllic. It makes the tragedies that befall it that much harder to stomach in such a beautiful environment. But then again, it doesn't have boundaries.

A few suggestions: I would have liked the first chapter where Randall meets Nellie to be a little subtler. It was repeated over and over how he was fawning over her eyes, how his heart was racing, etc. I feel like those things could have simply been stated once or twice, and then their behavior could have easily insinuated the rest for us. Just a thought.

Also, I assume the chapters that have no year are set in present day, but with all the time and POV shifts, I think it would be easier on the reader to add a year for each entry. It took me a bit at the start of each chapter to get a sense of "where" I was.

In chapter 18, you give us two heart-breaking and beautiful stories about local townspeople that are touched by James's cross. I thought this was a lovely touch. I am wondering, however, if there should not only be more of these stories (and maybe there are later on), but if they should be sprinkled throughout instead of grouped together in the one chapter?

The loss of Ben is well-handled and extremely emotional. I noted that we never get a glimpse of Randall's reaction to it. At one point in one of the later chapters, he mentions that he is remembering an image of Ben and Christine walking out of the barn together. I assume Randall worked there before Ben died? If so, I think it would do a great disservice to not include his sense of loss. If not, perhaps it could be made more clear that Randall was hired post-Ben's passing.

Before Randall shoots Max, he tells Jake to get his hands off Christine. However, the reader is not aware that he is touching her. We assume so, but his comment seems out of place without a mention of it beforehand, especially since she feel the need to say Jake wasn't hurting her. I would add a sentence about Jake grabbing Christine forcefully to try and remove her from the scene.

Finally, I am unsure that I buy the sheriff forgetting he only had two bullets. At first, I just figured he forgot because he was drunk. But after the fight, it seems like that would be something that he would be unable to get out of his mind. It is too big a moment for him. Perhaps you could have them fight about something else that morning?

I know that seems like a lot of negative, but those are just the few small things that didn't work for me. Everything else was brilliant and incredibly-told. I was completely swept up in the story and read all 26 chapters in one long sitting.

I wish you the best with this.

-Katy
The Promenade

Beyond the Honeysuckle Trail
A Phoenix Literary Club Review

I have read the first seven chapters of "Beyond the Honeysuckle Trail". First (the good news), I honestly think that the first four chapters contain some of the best writing I have yet found on authonomy; unfortunately (this is the bad news), the next three chapters did not come up to that same high standard. I suspect that you've put a lot of effort into getting the opening chapters right; and (as yet) done less work on the remaining chapters, so with a bit more polish you should be able to improve them.

The following comments are based on notes that I made whilst I was reading.

Chapter 1 : Ruby, you have a perfect story-teller's voice. To me, the first chapter reads just like a published novel, and the only comments I can make really boil down to trivial nit-picks. I would agree with Lara, however, that the PoV shifts gradually from third person omniscient to third person limited, and I do prefer the omniscient voice of the opening section. Unfortunately that voice doesn't seem to come back again.

Chapter 2 : I'm not sure how old Randall is: at first I thought of him as a cocky eighteen/nineteen year old, but with his father seems to behave quite a bit younger. Though I can understand how he might regress to behaving younger in the presence of his abusive father, it did leave me unsure about his age.

"It was his second home - a safe refuge." This is one of the very very few instances of "telling" in this chapter and not needed; we know already that it's his refuge from the fact that that Randall immediately runs to the hay loft.

I know the book is called "Beyond the Honeysuckle Trail", but the word "honeysuckle" does get repeated rather a lot in Chapter 2 and at the begining of chapter 3.

Chapter 4: At the very end: "Maybe his luck was about to change for the better." This strikes me as a bit of a cliche. Could you come up with a sentence that represents the same sentiment but using Randall's own words?

Chapter 5: Near the beginning, the word "eliciting" doesn't fit, IMO. "provoking" perhaps.

With this chapter, we're back with James' POV. I would have liked it better if you have used the same "omniscient" POV for this chapter as you did for Chapter 1, rather than take us so close to his thoughts. I have a feeling that James is a character that we will understand better by looking at him from the outside, rather than from the inside. I don't exactly know why, that's just my gut feeling as I read chapters five and six. This is also a flashback, and only appears to fill in details of events that were hinted at in earlier chapters.

I'm not sure if going back to 1991 and 1992 for a chunck of backstory is a good idea. I was aching to get back to Randall, to catch up with his story, and I think readers might be tempted to skip ahead. Although I liked the episode of James finding the cross in his tackle-box, but I'm not sure if the conversation at the diner tells us much (unless I'm missing something). Personally, I would question if these chapters are needed at all.

Chapter 7: We are back with Randall now, but unfortunately this chapter doesn't actually advance the story very much. It tells us that he's falling in love with Christine and that he's jealous of Jake, but I think the reader will have already worked that out for themselves.

Sorry if my comments on chapters 5 to 7 seem a little negative, but because the novel has such a good start I was a little disappointed when it seemed to lose its way a little. I do like the main characters, however, and I really do think that you have a very promising story here. I want to wish you all the best with it.

Very well written first chapter but we start with what appears to be the first of a list of disasters, the rEason for nicknaming him Job, then we progress to a happy event. There is some shift in pov from remote narrator overseeing Job's whole life to third person, inside his experience- eg in the lift.
Blips:

Clumsy sentence: Later people speculated that . . .
To incorrect here: He remembered all TOO

We then have 3 chapters v much in the pov of R andall. The remote overseeing narrator is gone, nor does this voice return when we revert to James' pov in 5. This is fine but you need to think carefully about how you treat the change of narrating style back in 1.

For me, some fore knowledge or hint in 2 is needed so that the reader understands who Randall is. You show who Chrissie is almost immediately but subtly through dialogue.

2 to 5 are confidently written with good pace, actio and emotion. Very readable all.

I did not go on to 6 but wonder whether we will be returning to the Job list then. If not, rethink your opening.

This could be an adult novel unless the MC is going to remain young throughout. If the MC is James, we know he is not but is the novel James' story or Randall's?

I enjoyed my read v much. Lara
A RELATIVE LOSS

The writing

Beyond the Honeysuckle Trail. A Phoenix read.
There is some repetition between your pitches, and I found the long one a bit confusing. Pitches are so important, to lure the reader in, and so hard to write. Perhaps a simple outline of the plot, including a glimpse of character and emotion to create interest?

Ch.1. You captivate the essence of James's character in that very first sentence. Great.

Do you want nits? There are certain vague / unnecessary words which spoil the flow of a story and can be searched out: just, still, always, slight (Ch.2) sudden, began to, quite.
Repetitions of words/meanings might also need addressing: was (Ch.2) rain. And I cant help noticing that the adjectives and adverbs are rather prolific, especially in the beginning. They, too can stem the flow. It might be an idea to examine each one to determine whether it is absolutely necessary, and not repeating the sense of what is already being described: i.e. in Ch.2 where he erroneously thought he had dodged the poisonous darts. But that's only my opinion.

I'll concentrate on your story from now on.

The still birth comes upon us quite suddenly. Maybe this is an opportunity for a more gradual, ominous build-up and an excuse to flesh out James's character and his surroundings into the bargain.
You create the mystery of the dead baby well, and James's dread when the twins are imminent is very natural, though perhaps not quite like Job! That word robotically is apt.
A vivid description of the birthing, from the viewpoint of the man. You dont mince your words, and the scene isfull of emotion.
I wonder how many men would happily read this first chapter.

Ch.2. Dont you mean the shower couldnt drown (?) the obnoxious rattle...
Ah - the honeysuckle haven and the loft. You paint a lovely healing picture for my mind's eye, after the violence of the abuse.
Goodness me - a slender, golden haired girl with the voice of a growling bear appears out of nowhere! Is this fantasy? You have me hooked.

Ch.3. What's happened to his father - didnt he follow them?
But that's a clever introduction to Christine, with a link to the previous chapter.
A gentle chapter as romance starts budding, and one begins to feel for Randall.

Ch.4. Being a lover of nature, I could do with moreof your gentle descriptions through Randall's eyes, which endear me all the more to him;

It's not immediately obvious who is doing the challenging - and I dont remember mention of a rifle before...

This simple story is developing well.
We all have editing to do, but I can see a pleasant light at the end of this tunnel!
I'll be back!
Jane (Breath of Africa.

What excellent story telling here! Everything works to bring the reader to see and feel the things that the characters experience. The prose is paced and voiced in a way that never grates or disappoints but rather always brings a sense of acceptance and satisfaction. There is enough adventure and drama to keep the reader firmly drawn to the story. Whether one is a Christian or not, the struggle that James Wheathers has with his faith in light of the repeated tragic losses in his life of the ones he loves most can be readily felt and understood.
Unreservedly backed and highest praise for this wonderful piece of literature.

A Phoenix review:
As the story unfolds we experience the sorrows and joys of this rural mountain community through the eyes of the older James and young teen Randall. The strength of the characterisations and the pared back storytelling drew me in immediately and I read right through to the end of Chapter 5. There is nothing contrived about your writing style and the story flows from one chapter to the next and you don’t allow anything to distract the reader.
A lesser storyteller might have been tempted to go heavy on the melodrama but you have a lightness of touch – telling it how it is but never allowing the characters to become mired in self-pity.
The only thing I found a little confusing was the chronology. If I’m reading this correctly, Chapter 5 follows directly on from Chapter 3? And that Chapter 4 flashes back to 1991 presumably the time of the accident? If it does then I think that putting the year in the chapter 5 heading (1992?) would help for the purposes of reading on-line on Autho.
All in all a very engaging and touching story.

Alison (Lambert Nagle)
Revolution Earth

Ruby -

I love this, it's the first story on here that i've thoroughly enjoyed. I was expecting something a little different from reading the pitch though. Can i just say that i don't quite think the title does the book justice though...

I would pay good money for this book, I kept forgetting that it wasn't something i'd bought for my kindle!
I've just finished chapter 8 and can't fault it, I think you have this perfect balance of dialogue, internal thought and description. The pace, the flow... perfect, you have written strong characters that many different readers could relate to and the narration/narrator is delivered by such a soothing 'voice'.

From the very beginning i was instantly drawn to James' character and i think it shows talent to be able to give a reader the ability to create an instant attachment/a need to care about a character so early in a story.

You capture the little, subtle details that make the characters come to life and the sparse, but purposely placed observations within the description are the difference between hearing/reading a story and being a part of it, you're very talented.

The style and voice of this book reminds me very much of my beloved Nicholas Sparks!

Backed and starred,

Terry

Iam really enjoying what I have read so far. very moving stuff the birth scene is captured so beautifully I was so emotional after that. you capture James feelings perfectly his thoughts and fears. On my watchlist. Very highly starred.

Is chapter two blank or did I just a problem getting it? Read through chapter three. Good writing nice details and character building. I really didn't expect too much, but was happily surprised at the good writing. I am giving it four stars and will come back and read more when things calm down here. Good luck This is very publishable.

Beautiful and amazing writing! Wishing you luck ......

Hi Ruby, I have now read the first 6 chapters of the 'Beyond The Honeysuckle Trail' and really enjoyed it. I loved the way you crafted your characters so well - well enough for the reader to instantly identify and empathise with them. To me they seemed like people I could have met, jumping out from the pages and that is a rare gift. When I have time I will read more and WHEN it is published will buy it for my reading group!!! Please would you return the read by looking at my own novel 'Sanctuary' Thank you in advance and Good Luck with you book Tina Cox x

Change the presentation and I will look again

JS

Hi Ruby
Read your revision at the beginning and like it. Well done!
Fr. Ambrose

A nice, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

Ruby,

I’m revisiting Beyond Honeysuckle Trail, formerly the most beloved, Eclipse of Faith…

I wish I had your former first chapter to compare with the new one. The first time I read Eclipse of Faith, I remember sensing that this book was something very special (not that it isn‘t now) I remember living and feeling the agony of James’ tragic loss. It was all so very moving, and I wondered, like everyone else in town, what the poor baby looked like. I remember the first few sentences really grabbed me and there was this overwhelming feeling of deep soul-seering grief. This new beginning is more light-hearted. Like I said before… I’m an old dog.

Regarding the new chapters 22 through 26. I really like what you have done. Poor Hepp and poor Randall. This new development is going to change some things. It will be very interesting to see how Randall reacts.

Ruby, I love your writing style. Your voice is something I wish I could duplicate, but it is uniquely yours and I wish I could describe it. I’ll try. It is steady and it is knowing - wise like James Weathers. Solid with a deep foundation. That’s the feeling I get when I read this book. It makes me feel strong in my faith.

Dianna

Chapter 25

“The sheriff hated druggies, and probably wouldn’t question a few well-place(d) bruises.

I've read the first three chapters of your book. It's very well written. I'm curious to know everything that happend to the Mom and the brother and to see where the story's going with Christine and Randall. There's definitely a suspenseful undertone to it even though it's not what one usually thinks of as suspense. I've giving it a high ranking and putting it on my watch list. I hope you can stop by to read some of Stopped Cold and that you'll feel you can support it by putting it on your watch list or bookshelf.

I've read the first three chapters of your book. It's very well written. I'm curious to know everything that happend to the Mom and the brother and to see where the story's going with Christine and Randall. There's definitely a suspenseful undertone to it even though it's not what one usually thinks of as suspense. I've giving it a high ranking and putting it on my watch list. I hope you can stop by to read some of Stopped Cold and that you'll feel you can support it by putting it on your watch list or bookshelf.

I've read the first three chapters of your book. It's very well written. I'm curious to know everything that happend to the Mom and the brother and to see where the story's going with Christine and Randall. There's definitely a suspenseful undertone to it even though it's not what one usually thinks of as suspense. I've giving it a high ranking and putting it on my watch list. I hope you can stop by to read some of Stopped Cold and that you'll feel you can support it by putting it on your watch list or bookshelf.

I came to Eclipse of Faith prepared to be disappointed because of its Christian theme; but I was not. You are a very good writer, and I am always especially drawn to simple, well-crafted prose. You are, also, an excellent storyteller, and I was immediately captivated by James's trials. You have created believable characters, ones a reader can identify with as well as despise, and they move the story forward in a highly credible way. Eclipse of Faith is neither preachy nor didactic, and its message is delivered in classic storytelling form.

I wish you every success with it.

Rob

P.S. In my opinion you can omit the advisory note at the end of your pitch. I think most modern readers will not be shocked or put off by the language or themes.

Excellent, love the characters, love the descriptions of them. Only thing I dislike is having to wait for the rest of the story. I am looking forward to reading more. I hope Randall kills his father, (self-defense), and somehow he and Christine get together to raise the jerk's child. Great reading. Thanks for sharing.

I read your first five chapters for the March Madness bracket contest. Today I reread your first three chapters looking more closely at punctuation and grammar.

General comments: "Eclipse of Faith" is a finely-crafted, emotional love story with fully realized, believable characters and plenty of twists. Superb tension. Crisp pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) The mystery of the dead baby drew me in.
2) 'Threw even more fuel on the fire' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea but in a fresher way.
3) The switching of 'James' and 'Job' for James Weathers initially confused me. Normally, it's best to be consistent in referring to characters.
4) 'Then screaming with horror as ... ' Consider replacing the ellipsis ( ... ) with an em-dash. Use an ellipsis to show hesitation. Use an em-dash to show interruption. Since the ring of the elevator interrupts James' thoughts, an em-dash is appropriate.
5) "I'm looking for Nellie Weathers .... she's .... " When using an ellipsis ( ... ), only use three dots. Using more is unusual and pulls the reader out of the story while they try to detemine what you mean to imply with four dots. You don't want that. There are more cases of this kind of problem.
6) 'James felt his face flush with shame ... ' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe the burn in his cheeks so vividly the reader experiences it along with James. When you do this, the reader will be plunged deeper into your scene. There is another use of 'felt' in this chapter.
7) 'Oh God .... not again, please God, not again.' Comma after 'oh' and after 'please.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) ' ... mowing the 2 acre lot, ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99.
2) 'Randall felt his stomach drop and ...' As mentioned above, try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe his stomach dropping so realistically the reader will experience it along with Randall. By doing this, the reader will be drawn further into your scene. There is another use of 'felt' in this chapter.
3) "People expect big thing from you mister, and you better deliver." Comma after 'you.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.
4) 'Horrified to discover it was splattered with blood' is telling. Consider showing the onset of his horror so vividly the reader will experience it along with Randall. Doing so will immerse the reader deeper in the scene. There is another use of 'horrified' in this chapter.
5) ' ... at the thought of returning back to the house.' 'Returning' and 'back' are redundant. Consider deleting 'back.'
6) Excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line?

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) "You're the one that moved in over on Patterson Road, right?" 'That' should be 'who.'
2) 'He felt an unfamiliar calmness settle over him as he ... ' As mentioned above, try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe the calm settling on him so realistically the reader will experience it along with Randall. By doing this, the reader will be drawn further into your scene. There is another use of 'felt' in this chapter.
3) 'His heart skipped a beat' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea but in a more unique way.
4) "O, hey Hepp!" Comma after 'hey.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.
5) ' ... feeling too tired to move another muscle and more alone than even he thought possible.' Try to avoid using the verb 'feeling.' Just describe his tiredness and loneliness so realistically the reader will experience both conditions right along with Randall. When you do this the reader will be pulled deeper into your scene.

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Bless you, Ruby.

Al

I read a sample of this on the forum. Very affectively told in a great stoytelling style that really conveys the struggle to hold on to belief sometimes. Will read and comment again.
Cariad.

Story telling at its finest. I was in that delivery room and I wanted to tell Job's mother-in-law, "I can take it from here, why don't you go on down the hall for a Co-Cola and rest your puppy dogs." Highly starred and backing when I can do some house cleaning on my shelf. ~Kady Colter, If you get a chance, please take a look at Shakespeare's Pink Cadillac and many thanks!

Eclipse of Faith.
By Ruby J. Taylor.


First of all, you have two excellent pitches. The small pitch draws the reader on to the long pitch...It did me anyway.
Then we are drawn into reading the book because we like what we see in the long pitch...you’ve done a good job, your more than half way there to selling the book.
Chapter one is enough to hook the reader, the mystery of Job’s first still-born child, why the secrecy by Sturmond, the undertaker who was aware of the facts?..We need to know...we read on!
You have good description as you portray the anxiety of Job as he visits his wife giving birth to twins this time. He’s late of course, part of him not wanting to go slows him down.
He’s chided by the look of his mother-in -law’s face. I like how he looks back at her, feeling she’s right all the same.
Lovely ending to the first chapter as Job falls to his knees and thanks God for two healthy children and a safe birth for his wife, Nellie.
An emotional read for me so far, but I am keen to read on as soon as I can. The long pitch tells me there’s a lot more to this story than what I’ve touched on so far.
I’ve given your book full stars and will shelve it on the next read...I’m sure of that!

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Hey Ruby,

I stopped by to check out the new chapters. I love what you’ve written. The tension remains really high. I thought chapter 22 read a bit different that all the others. Maybe it was because of expletives. They seemed a bit stronger that what you’ve used before, but then again I can’t remember you using many before - but maybe you have. Anyway, in the second paragraph of 23 you use Ben instead of Jake.

At this point, I’m feeling really bad for Randall - and poor Christine she's stuck between a rock and a hard place. She’s got to rid of Jake…

Stay in love with your novel. It’s really wonderful.

Dianna

Ruby,

I just read the first 3 chapters of your book and really enjoyed it! You write very well and your descriptive words really bring the characters to life. I was very easily hooked and anxious to read more. I'm adding you to my shelf and plan to come back to read more. Well done!

Blessings!

Patti

Eclipse of Faith is classical story-telling with a unique plot and finely drawn characters. The author uses language deftly and– I know this seems odd to say, but fearlessly. That's hard to explain, but Ruby wields words like delicate tools, like sewing instruments, stitching and weaving a story until we begin to see the pattern she's seen all along. Some threads are dainty, others punch violently through the fabric of the story.

Like my friend Claire Poulsen's stories, Ruby's canvas is that of faith. She interweaves drama and romance against this background, never lecturing or attempting to dominate the reader, but just letting it be, letting it support the pattern of the emerging picture, the needlepoint of Easter, the crochet of Christmas.

Some of the people who populate the novel aren't lovely– Job's mother-in-law intimidates me and Randall's old man is a brute, a twisted lawman, an abuser. But then Randall meets Christine and her 'buds', Charlie and Clyde, who are exactly what Randall needs. This is a small town where people know one another and care, James and Nellie and the others.

I like Eclipse of Faith very much and am proud to back it.

Hello, I'm new on here. I'm just getting into reading a few books.Basically, I like your story and you've clearly got talent. Where you use dialogue, it's very effective and believable but I'd like to see a lot more dialogue and less narrative- well, I guess that's what the Christian Writer's Guild taught me. You may not fancy reading a children's book, but if you do, my first silly novel is Replacement Mothers. I'm giving you a star and placing you on my shelf just now until I read more ...okay

Sometimes when all is lost all we can do is cling to the cross. Pressures and tragedies can push us away from God or press us closer to him. Congratulations on a tremendous, faith-building book! I'm happy to back it and give it six stars.

Nathan Maki
-A War Within

Tugs at the heart and soul. I love this premise. Backed with pleasure.
Laurence Howard, The Cross of Goa.

Eclipse of Faith is an easy read that is both engaging and exciting.
It's sad all the things James Weathers had to go through and that Randall ws being beaten by his father who is the new jailer in town.
I rate this four stars for the excellent story, However, I regret that I can not back this because it has too much cursing in it for me.
I wish you God speed on this site.

-Charmain

very good idea and premise. original and interesting...and written very well- good narrative and fluid style...
this is on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Wow, chapter two proved just as tense and exciting as the first chapter. I have to go to town today, and probably won't be back on the computer until Monday. I am definitely going to read more! I have you in my WL, and on Monday, I am putting you on my shelf. This book deserves some attention! Great job pulling the reader in, and keeping them on the edge of their seats. I admire your talent, and the voice you have in this story. I am wondering who Randal is, and if he is Job's son.....so many questions that won't be answered until I read more. That is what keeps the reader turning the pages. Many writers spill all the beans on page one, and there is no tension, no reason to keep turning the pages. Great job!!

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

Wow, chapter two proved just as tense and exciting as the first chapter. I have to go to town today, and probably won't be back on the computer until Monday. I am definitely going to read more! I have you in my WL, and on Monday, I am putting you on my shelf. This book deserves some attention! Great job pulling the reader in, and keeping them on the edge of their seats. I admire your talent, and the voice you have in this story. I am wondering who Randal is, and if he is Job's son.....so many questions that won't be answered until I read more. That is what keeps the reader turning the pages. Many writers spill all the beans on page one, and there is no tension, no reason to keep turning the pages. Great job!!

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

I will leave a comment on each chapter. What an awesome opening! I couldn't stop reading if I had to. I couldn't put it down. Your opening lines led me into the story, and it continued nonstop to the end of chapter one. This one is a page turner. The only thing I saw that you might want to correct is in the first paragraph when you described the townspeople as being "captivated" by Job's problems. Not sure captivated is the correct word. You might want to think about that word. Perhaps add an adjective to it. For example "horrified" or "emotionally caught up".....

Great job capuring the reader! I love it so far and am anxious to get into chapter two.

Sincerely,
D.S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

Super Ｈarsh Critique Service!

Please remember, this review is more confronting than opening a nightclub called 'The Baby Seal Club'.

Okay, first up the rating. 4 stars. I must be feeling generous or something. Why did I rate your work so highly? Well, and it's a big WELL, I couldn't really fault much in the writing. This is largely due to the fact I don't understand the use of '-'! I was always taught about commas and fullstops, not -. Having seen it a number of times now, I'll just assume someone in an English university somewhere sanctioned their use. As my fear of failure overwhelms in the darkened shadows of my diseased mind, I'll leave it alone rather than say something we'll both (yes, okay, just me), will regret.

So then what made me stop? Why not the unattainable 6 stars and gushing praise? There were still enough minor annoyances that did make me stop a few paragraphs in.

You wrote: '...Tray City just to buy a couple bags...'
Now considering you were referring to bags of oranges and not buying bags for a pair of people in a committed relationship, I think what you were looking for was...

I would write: '...Tray City just to buy a couple of bags...'

You know, going back through it now it's surprisingly hard to find what is stopping me from reading on. Every now and then, I question whether a sentence should have an additional comma, but it's only every few paragraphs.

My only other gripe is use of the word 'just'. It comes up a lot. Often enough for me to notice. If you can just cut down on its use, not just to humour me, but it's just that I feel a little be overwhelmed by its frequency. You may think I'm just kidding, but I'm not.

Having read down almost to the bottom of the page, I feel like I'm already getting inside the mind of your main character. If I had more time, I would read on. Having done this, I think I may adjust my rating up to 5 stars, watchlist you and give you the first Super Harsh Critique Service rusty iron star!

Yes, I just made that up.

Nice piece of writing you have here.

Paul.

Hey Ruby,

Thought I’d stop in and see how James Weathers was doing. I read chapters eighteen and nineteen, and once again I was stunned by yet another loss. The painful loss reinforces even more why the townspeople look to James’ cross as their beacon of hope. I am so impressed with the beautiful, heartbreaking, and yet very suspenseful plot of your story. The subtle way you point to Jesus as our one and only hope is a writing lesson you have so masterfully taught me. Thanks for you presence here. It is a light to us all!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Hello Ruby-

book- Eclipse of Faith-

Read the first five chapters some days ago- and what can i say- first and foremost- the cover is brilliant- that cross caught my eye and he me in a trance; a beacon of light indeed-

Equally so the pitch is well crafted and really tells the story line in one - full marks-

I got carried along with this very folksey American and christian tale, almost felt like i was there among the characters.
So descriptive also, as in paragraph in chapter four as he glances up at the lighted cross on the bleak mountain .
Found it to be very engrossing read and thought - this would make into a very good film-
time allowing i hope to read some more-
highly rated

tom bye
Book- from hugs to kisses-
please oblige if you have time and read some of mine- thanks-

Hi Ruby
I read thirteen of your uploaded chapters and enjoyed the story up to that point very much. You write well. The story seems to flow effortlessly (!) and the characterisations are good. The settings are adequately and not too floridly described. The dialogue is natural. I liked the chat between Weathers and Nambry on the subject of the latter's drinking.
I guess I particularly like the way you reflect firm Christian faith with a lightness of touch. You aren't heavy-handed with it. Also - unique in my experience - you're tackling suffering and loss of faith with a sympathy, compassion and wisdom often apparently lacking in some Christian writers.
Well done!
Fr. Ambrose

Ruby, you succeeded to grip the reader from the start. The plot unfolds with ease while you maintain the suspense. The writing is smooth. The underlying tension is unmistakable. Here are my suggestions so far:

Ch. 1 – at the point where the elevator doors open to reveal the housekeeper: the details about her shift ending and her going down to the first floor – it distracted from the tension.

I would cut out many of the adverbs – when adverbs are extraneous they not only have no value, they rob from the flow of the plot.

“…terrible, terrible…” – I would delete the second as an unnecessary duplicate.

Ch. 2 & 3 – you continue to maintain the mystery beautifully.

“…bottles of cokes…” – delete the “s”

Ch. 4 – “…pastor told the congregation ‘God was good’…” the quote should be in present tense, unless the pastor used the past tense, and if that’s what you intended, ignore this suggestion.

I didn’t understand the line “…permanently separated by even a glimmer of hope.” Something is off there.

“…heart retching sob…” – did you mean “wrenching” instead?

You captured the essence of the struggle and delivered it so well with the line, “…would no longer be defined by his feelings, no longer a fragile faith based on blessings.” Wow! I got it.

I’ll resume reading and offer my suggestions, which I hope you will find helpful, as I intend them to be :)

Donna
No Kiss Good-bye

Comments on The Eclipse of Faith
I have very much enjoyed reading the first ten chapters of this book and will read on. I am not a Christian but have great respect for those who have a religious faith. I am often put off books with a Christian theme because they come over to me as preachy. You have managed to achieve a nice balance between a great story with strong, believable characters and your projected message.

The life of the little town and the church is well drawn. Your characters are well defined. Your writing is simple and not overwritten or flowery which suits this book with its sometimes harrowing events.

I am not sure about the time jumps in the chapters. For me a tale like this is best told in linear fashion. It does not need to be convoluted and that was about the only thing that I didn't enjoy. It was too confusing for me. There are stories that lend themselves to that way of writiing but yours does not really need it, in my humble opinion.

I am not a professional editor just an avid reader and I offer the following comments and some nitpicks because they gave me momentary pause and jarred me out of the narrative. Of course anything I say is only my opinion.

I very much liked the start of the book. We are taken straight into the story and clearly told what is happening and what to expect.

I liked 'as though a ghost laced them neatly shut with needle and thread'

I notice that twice in the chapters 1 to 10 you have used two adverbs on after another. I feel this is best avoided if you can.
In the delivery room (twins) you have 'wordlessly, hurriedly'.

I did not fully understand 'the doctor gently deposits the newborn baby from his wife into his bloody gloved hands'. It sounds wrong. Maybe 'deposits' is the problem because it implies someone handing something over or placing something on a surface but maybe here it would be better to just say that he caught the baby in his bloody gloved hands? or eased the baby out with his bloody gloved hands? 'From his wife' is not needed.

A beautifully written chapter capturing James' despair and relief.

Chapter 2 I couldn't read as it didn't open. May be my computer.

Chapter 3
A time jump again. A good chapter though. Last line might be better 'thought possible' leaving out the 'was'.

Chapter 4
Very good imagery with the cutting of the umbilical cord and the severing of his connection with God.

Are these different ponies from before as they have different names? Maybe I forgot something. Also I always have a problem if too many names begin with the same letter but maybe C is used deliberately.

Chapter 5
Very good writing especially in the inter action between James and Randall when they first meet. It shows clearly James grace and strength of character and kindness. Randall is very well written.

Chapter 6
I liked the phrase 'The smell of whiskey clung to Nambry like an insecure lover'.

The conversation about the rooting out of the bush came over as a little too preachy for me. I think it might be better if you say nothing about James' intention to try to help Nambry but just have the conversation. I think the reader would be intelligent enough to get your drift and it would have more impact.

typo 'You need to take the weekend to take (care) of it.'

Chapter 7
Adverbs again 'frantically, painstakingly'.

Randal's moment of hope is well described.

Chapter 8
This is a shocking event told very well. Christian's accident comes out of the blue. Nice touch et the end of the chapter not telling the reader what has happened which is a good hook to read on!

Chapter 9

I am being really nitpicky here. The blackbirds 'chirped' feels too weak. Could they be another kind of bird that would squawk or even screechI I feel It would add to the moment.

Chapter 10

Christian's funeral is heartbreaking in the simple way you write it. Nothing more is needed and the reader is filled with pity for the family.

Very enjoyable read.
I hope I haven't been too negative but I liked it enough to feel it was worth critiquing in some detail.
Fontaine.

Good writing, Ruby, and a wonderful storyline. And I love the cover of the book. It's perfect and of course fits perfectly with the story as well. I have only read a few chapters so far but I can see this story is packed with meaning. Thank you for the invitation to read your story.

Loved your beginning--can't wait to spend more time figuring out what you will experience---
Sheila Temple
Chinese Take Out

hi Ruby,
despite having taken your book off my shelf (you said you weren't interested in backings and I am a compliant sort of person) I'm still reading, and found your writing deeply moving. Your choice of words and images makes the story go under my skin.
You know about heartaches and emotion and aren't afraid to write them down. Softness and attraction are as much part of your tool-kit as are bullying and harrassment. Your understanding of the meaning of faith shines through at every paragraph, and so does your love for creation as well as the creator. Looking forward to reading a bit every day - Ame