The Rise of The New Bloods. From Dark Beginnings

Brilliant title. Amazing pitch. dark chapters. The Rise of the new Blood is right up my street.

Hi Kelly,
I've only read the first three chapters so I'll try to keep this brief and then comment further once I've read some more.
My initial impression is that this is a solid basis for what I'm sure could be polished into a story of the highest quality. The concept is strong and I like the idea of a vampire full of guilt, doubt, and uncertainty, rather than the usual self assurance and confidence most writers give their vampires.
As far as criticisms go the only ones I have are that you seem to use question marks on occasions where they don't seem to fit, such as "I don't have much to pay you with?" written as a question when I would assume this was more of a statement. Other than that the only other things that didn't feel quite right were the facts that if your vampires were so isolated from humans would they really use phrases like "freak out"? and again, if they were so isolated, how would a Finnish vampire recognise a Scottish accent?
Overall though these are only minor gripes that are currently stopping a good story from being great, for me at least. This still deserves to be highly starred and I will return to it as soon as I can.
Regards,
James

Hi Kelly
I came back for more as on my watchlist - so thought id leave another comment. loving your voice - can def sense your young vamps (well 200 is prob young for a vamp ha ha) conflict. Ive read a few vamp ones on here but this one stands out - def think it has publishing and film potential -love the others gives it a different flavour. will find shelf space soon for it.
Derek
The Angel Chord

I was having a few issues with website this afternoon when I tried to read your book and only managed to pull up the first chapter. What a disappointment because I was dying to read more. You have done a great job with this one. There is drama, action, and intrigue galore. Your imagery is amazing and the dialogue felt natural with just enough old world peppered in to transport you into the story. Thanks so much for the read. This is a great one and I’ll be back for more once Anthology manages to get things running again. High hopes and high stars for this one.

As a semi-reformed goth, I am big fan of the books by Anne Rice and Stephen King, and I personally quite enjoyed this story which is in a similar vein. The Finnish setting early on was a very nice juxtaposition to the New York chapters later, and I felt that there was something of the "Catcher In The Rye" in terms of the observations of the NY life - I should say that is a good thing.
There is pace, engagement, excellent narrative, and some good character development - I can feel a very nice mythos building.
My one suggestion - don't hold back. You've got an imagination, but I sometimes felt that you held it in check with the notion of what you thought everyone else believes a vampire to be.

Don't.

I'm much more interested in what you make a vampire to be - maybe they can see things that we can't. Don't be held back by the old cliche's, but use the established template as base to really give full flight to your imagination. If you need to edit it later you can do, but you've got nothing to lose at this juncture.
Good luck and let me know how it goes.
Martin

The Spirals Of Danu
www.faceboook.com/spiralsofdanu

Backed and star rated The Rise of The New Bloods. Big fang fan! Like the twist of a vampire with a conscious. You might like our vampire book, Dark Side.
CC Brown

Your book is pacy and fast moving. I am and always have been a big fan of Dracula and the dark side.

Like the opening passage where Jyrki still felt traces of pass human existance. I shall definitely bat on with this, has the makings of a cracker.

Dean
:)

Brilliant title. Amazing pitch. dark chapters. The Rise of the new Blood is right up my street.

hi Kelly,

I'm not one for vampire stories, but I wanted to return the read.

Overall, your writing is of a decent standard. You need to work a little on your punctuation but I didn't notice any glaring typos, which is a good start! One thing I think you could do is remove all the filter words: phrases like I thought, I said to myself, seemed, felt like etc. Try to keep right inside your MC's head and show us the action directly through his eyes without distancing the reader with those filtering phrases. Online tools like prowritingaid.com are a real help for picking up on them.

A couple of minor nits to pick - I'm sure that in Chapter 1, you said that the action was happening at the end of the 19th century? that would mean it was the late 1800s. You mean the 20th century - late 1900s, to 21st century (2000 onwards). An easy mistake to make.

Also - you state quite clearly from the start that your MC doesn't know much (or indeed anything) about humans, and hasn't seen any for around 200 years. However, he immediately recognises a British accent, and that the car is a Land Rover (Chapter 3 - and you need to capitalise it as it's a brand). If your MC has been living in a hut in a Finnish forest for 200 years, he's not going to know these things, or that he's going to Helsinki or New York. If these names of things just pop into his concsciousness, you need to explain this happening and show his confusion at this knowledge suddenly pouring into him. If you don't clear up those details, your MS isn't going to get far with agents/publishers, I'm afraid.

Best of luck with this,
Stacey

Hey, your book has been on my WL for a while now, but I've only gotten around to reading it today. I haven't got a lot of time to read, so when I'm on the site I tend to read the first chapter of whatever I have on my WL.

I must say that I really enjoyed what I've read of this. I know it's only one chaper, but I really do like this story. Jyrki is a great MC, at least I thought he was from what I've read of him so far. (Jyrki is an awesome name BTW) Your writing is easy to follow and you write descriptions really well. All together you've created a story that's easy to get into. I've only read the first chapter so far, but I intend to keep this on my WL so I can read the rest whenever I get the chance.

How could I not after reading such an intriguing first chapter? I can't just stop where I am because then I'll never know who it was who killed off all the vampires, or what this prophecy entails, or if Jyrki really is the last vampire or not.

Highly starred.
Karen =)

I've read the first chapter so far. Great beginning with tension and action. I see difficulties ahead for young Jyrki. Good characterization. I can't tell his age yet (but, then, age in a vampire is different than in a human so I don't know how to get that across anyway). I was immediately drawn into the setting and knew right away Jyrki was a vampire without you telling me that in the scene. Good job. I'll keep reading and will post more comments in a couple days.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Hi Kelly,
I've only read the first three chapters so I'll try to keep this brief and then comment further once I've read some more.
My initial impression is that this is a solid basis for what I'm sure could be polished into a story of the highest quality. The concept is strong and I like the idea of a vampire full of guilt, doubt, and uncertainty, rather than the usual self assurance and confidence most writers give their vampires.
As far as criticisms go the only ones I have are that you seem to use question marks on occasions where they don't seem to fit, such as "I don't have much to pay you with?" written as a question when I would assume this was more of a statement. Other than that the only other things that didn't feel quite right were the facts that if your vampires were so isolated from humans would they really use phrases like "freak out"? and again, if they were so isolated, how would a Finnish vampire recognise a Scottish accent?
Overall though these are only minor gripes that are currently stopping a good story from being great, for me at least. This still deserves to be highly starred and I will return to it as soon as I can.
Regards,
James

Read the first couple of chapters and loving it.
And not one sparkly vampire in sight. :)
Backed.
Will comment more once I've read more.

Ken

So far, I'm enjoying this... and I don't even "do" vampire novels ;)

OK for the major fact that you've been creative and not gone down the Twilight route, merits a tour on my shelf. Congrats :)

HW

Interesting beginning. Good pace. Good descriptive skills. Who are The Others? Well, I guess I'll just have to keep reading to find out, right?

I was having a few issues with website this afternoon when I tried to read your book and only managed to pull up the first chapter. What a disappointment because I was dying to read more. You have done a great job with this one. There is drama, action, and intrigue galore. Your imagery is amazing and the dialogue felt natural with just enough old world peppered in to transport you into the story. Thanks so much for the read. This is a great one and I’ll be back for more once Anthology manages to get things running again. High hopes and high stars for this one.

Hi KA,
So I had you on my WL, which means I owed you a read. However, I noticed that I left comments 37 days ago. Interesting. Anyway, I re-read the first chapters without looking at my previous comments, and here are some things I came up with. As usual, they’re my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.
“Do we really know our history?” This is a weak first-line hook. Who’s history? Human history? US history? British history? Some context is needed.
Add a comma after “years” (subordinate clause)
Frankly, I’d make the “Hidden for thousands of years…” part your short pitch, ditch the current short pitch and also “Do we really know our history?” and start your long pitch with “Jyrki” (Am I reading that right? Is it pronounced “Jerky,” as in beef jerky?)
Add comma after “Without it”
“we see him struggle” is weak. Take the third person out of it and rework it in more active tense. (i.e. Jyrki struggles with his inner demons upon arriving in New York).
“But will the uncovering…” doesn’t sit well there, as it isn’t a contradiction to the previous sentence. If you want to use it, I’d suggest taking out the “But” and making it a widowed paragraph.
Chapter One
Don’t underestimate the opportunity you have to really hook your reader in with the first line of your novel. With that in mind, “I took a deep breath and sighed,” is a weak first line. It doesn’t say anything and doesn’t present any sort of problem.
There are some run-on sentences here. For instance, “After all, I was descended from the humans,” is an independent clause. “…maybe, just maybe there was still a trace of humanity…” is also an independent clause. Therefore, they ought to be separated by a period (ideal), or a semicolon (to be used sparingly).
With FPPOV, it’s easy to get into the habit of starting off too many sentences with “I.” Keep an eye out for this, as it might be a good idea to vary it up.
I’m not usually a fan of vampire stories, but yours is unique and the story is solid. My biggest suggestion is to continue scrubbing for grammar, punctuation and flow. Otherwise, good stuff. I can see this doing well with the application of additional polish.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Great dialogue and plot concept! Highly recommend and highly starred. Dina Rae of Bad Juju

As a semi-reformed goth, I am big fan of the books by Anne Rice and Stephen King, and I personally quite enjoyed this story which is in a similar vein. The Finnish setting early on was a very nice juxtaposition to the New York chapters later, and I felt that there was something of the "Catcher In The Rye" in terms of the observations of the NY life - I should say that is a good thing.
There is pace, engagement, excellent narrative, and some good character development - I can feel a very nice mythos building.
My one suggestion - don't hold back. You've got an imagination, but I sometimes felt that you held it in check with the notion of what you thought everyone else believes a vampire to be.

Don't.

I'm much more interested in what you make a vampire to be - maybe they can see things that we can't. Don't be held back by the old cliche's, but use the established template as base to really give full flight to your imagination. If you need to edit it later you can do, but you've got nothing to lose at this juncture.
Good luck and let me know how it goes.
Martin

The Spirals Of Danu
www.faceboook.com/spiralsofdanu

This is just my opinion, but I think you need to clarify how much Jyrki knows about human society. Some of his reactions are contradictory. For example, in chapter five when he goes to New York City he thinks: “It was just a testament to the plastic, uncultured, machine like society the 21st century had to offer.” In this section he seems to have a clear understanding of advertisement and culture, etc. But later, in chapter seven, he thinks of a ten dollar bill as being a “strange piece of paper.” I wasn’t sure if this was because he was from a different country and was familiar with a different form of currency or if you inttended it to show his overall unfamiliarity with humans in general. There are several places where his familiarity with people seems inconsistent with other places. It might be something you want to take a look at. Anyway, great story and best of luck with it.

Hi Kelly
I came back for more as on my watchlist - so thought id leave another comment. loving your voice - can def sense your young vamps (well 200 is prob young for a vamp ha ha) conflict. Ive read a few vamp ones on here but this one stands out - def think it has publishing and film potential -love the others gives it a different flavour. will find shelf space soon for it.
Derek
The Angel Chord

The Rise of The New Bloods. From Dark Beginnings, is my pick of the week.

See, Shameless Plugs.

6 Stars!

I like the idea of a lone vampire roaming around and ending up in New York City. I liked how you showed his confusion with human behavior and how he is supposed to respond.
A few sections were a little confusing though. One place was in chapter four where he gets into a confrontation with a group of humans. This line confused me a little: “he started pushing me again.” When did he push Jyrki the first time? Also, you wrote that the man’s friends walk away, but then a little later they are helping him to his feet. When did they come back? And would they really just walk away in the first place? The scene is very dramatic, but it also has a slightly disjointed feel.
In chapter five I liked his reaction to the skyscrapers of New York and the kid who wonders if he’s a vampire.
I also liked how you added a little more detail about the Ankh in chapter six.
A good read!

Kelly,

I am only able to make short comments because of this crazy new system.... I was impressed with your writing the premise was good and the first chapter did well to move me forward - lots of mystery. Jykri is likable, especially since he tries to deny himself blood. You have a wonder knack of describing the surroundings. I could "see" the winterland of Finland.

A couple things surprised me like in chapter one when he goes into the woods and then comes back out to check on the compound, it didn't seem like there was any passage of time. In chapter three I was surprised that he could be with people, I thought they were out to get him. Finally, the modern slang didn't seem believable coming from an ancient people.

All in all a great read. Highly Starred!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

I was really glad to get back to reading this. You have created a very interesting story.
I was a bit disappointed that chapter two consists mainly of exposition. One thing I really liked about the first chapter is how you jumped right into the action. Here, not much seems to be happening. I felt like you could cut this chapter out completely and the pacing would only be the stronger for it.
Chapter three is much better. The character has inner conflict. There’s people looking for him, adding to the tension.
I did not what seems to be a little inconsistency. You wrote that the people are “already” looking for the killer—I’m assuming that killer is Jyrki. But later you say that his last meal—I’m assuming the person he killed—was over a week ago. That does not seem like “already.” I’d think people would start looking for the killer right away, not a week later. Maybe the people were still looking for the killer?
I was also surprised that someone would not be shocked for his request for food with blood in it. I was even more surprised that the man actually brought him what he asked for without asking any questions.
Still, the story is intriguing enough that you have made me want to read more.

To be honest i was a bit hesitant when i read the pitch learning this story was about vampires. true, i love supernatural tales and use to be a big fan of vampire themes but in the recent times since the Twilight series, vampires are beginning to become overdone. Its hard to bring an original tale to a theme so popular.
That being said, from the 1st two chapters i read. i like it.
Being the only vampire left is not a common approach to Vampires to it was refreshing to find out there were still stories to tell about these creatures.
Your writing is very easy to read with the prefect balance of description and dialogue as well as action. it is an enticing dark, gothic tale that is sure to grip its readers by the throat and drag them along in splendid horror.
Great job and i look forward to reading more as time allows. six stars.
Amanda

Top class Kelly,top class!!!!!!!!
Believe in your talent and believe in yourself!!!!!

I love it! That's the short version. I'm a reluctant fan of this genre because whenever I dip my toe into the gothic world (usually vampire based) I become a bit disenchanted...but this...BUT THIS...this I like. I'm not gonna even pretend I'm qualified enough to critique this in regards to typos/syntax/grammar etc But I can tell you how I felt whilst reading the first chapter. I was drawn into the story, placing myself amidst the snow and trees, feeling the cold and seeing the massacre. Along those lines, this is a great read and I want and shall be back to continue reading. This is getting high stars and onto my WL and when a book shifts from my shelf this is the one that's going on.
Best of luck
Slán
Nick

Re-reading the whole story again but already after the first 2 chapters (again) it is still a great read...its been a while since i first read this story and i know there has been some changes so i will comment again once i am at the finish line.....The locations are perfect (makes a welcome change from a Hollywood setting or high school characters) ....ok back to reading and another comment ahead.

I glanced over the comments section and read in one of your responses that right now you’re focusing mainly on plot before you go back and deal with small-scale editing. I think this is a really smart approach. So, being the grammar-freak I am, I am going to try to restrain myself and focus on larger scale issues like pacing, what the reader needs to know when, etc. (I would love it if you let me know when you are ready to start the great typo hunt—it’s always tough to find them in your own work).
So. I’ve only read the first chapter so far but I’m going to read the rest as soon as I can.
I like how you start right in the middle of the action without a whole lot of backstory. It’s very fast paced. Your writing style is very contemporary—perfect for a paranormal novel. You’ve also made it really clear who the main character is and who we’re supposed to have sympathy for—the vampire.
This is all great, but I was confused in places.
The piece starts off with a paragraph of interior monologue. Why? Didn’t Jyrki hear the horn that obviously everyone else did? Did he really not notice what was going on around him? It seems an odd jump from that to the action that follows.
One of the characters says that “Amroath has ordered everyone to his quarters.” His as in Amroath’s quarters or his as in each individual’s quarters? And why is no one doing that? They’re dismantling things, not going inside.
You wrote that he “saw the alarming scene of the clan rushing in the distance.” This seems a bit vague to me. How far in the distance? Why are they in the distance? And rushing is kind of an empty word. Rushing while they do what exactly?
And do vampires need jackets? And if so, why? Do they get cold? It would definitely be a departure from the norm if they did, which would be a great twist.
I would also like to know how they are tearing down the cabins. With their bare hands? With tools? How long does it take them? If this is to destroy traces of their existence, what are they doing with the pieces of cabin?
I’d also like a few more details about what the Ankh is. How does it protect them all from the sun? How does giving it to Jyrki endanger them?
Some of Jyrki’s comments seem a little out of place. For example where he asks Draven “What’s wrong with you?” What makes him say that? Something in Draven’s expression? Why would Draven putting his hand on his shoulder elicit such a strong reaction?
Same with his comment about Amroath not having people skills. The only point of it seems to be as set up for Amroath saying they’re not exactly people. Amroath does seem to have good people skills—he says he trusts in Jyrki, believes in him (very motivational). The vampires seem to look up to Amroath, to respect him. So, the comment felt kind of odd.
I’m not sure what Amroath is referring to when he says Jyrki will learn “in time what that thing can do.” “thing” is a very vague word. What thing? The sword? The ankh? Something else? I’m not sure.
His reaction to his family’s death felt a little hurried. It reads like a summary.
Anyway, all in all, it seems a pretty strong story and I’m looking forward to finding out what happens to Jyrki. I hope my comments were helpful.

Oh lord, this takes me home again. I can see the pictures you paint of the scenery and it really does feel like going home. There's a forlorn, almost lonely beauty technique to your writing I haven't seen in quite a while. It takes a lot to make a piece of writing you can't 'pick apart' easily. I know the words you're using, i know how they're supposed to work to create an effect, but somehow it doesn't explain the underlying feeling reading this gives you.
The only critique I'll say, and this might just be me, the first section is quite quick (which I know it's supposed to be) but perhaps there are too many names dropped in an instant. I'm going to re-read because I rip through something first, then go through it slower the second time, but I had to tell you from just finishing it now that I really liked this.

I have my own story on here and, in true Authonomy style, would like to ask you if you have the time to take a quick look. I'm not so bothered by backing although it's always a plus, but what I'm most after is comments or critique so I can try to improve.

There's sensual hypnotism of Anne Rice in this, but the Scandinavian edge somehow makes it darker, more bewitching. Definitely backing and I hope you have great success with this.

I have enjoyed the first two chapters and find the writing style easy to follow. I love vampires but I think I have overdosed on them, and for some reason i can't seem to get into it the way I thought I would. I have rated it on the fact I know it is something I would enjoy, and I will definitely come back to it at some point.
(maybe when I have had a chance to detox from vampires).
There are few good ideas so far, and they are well presented, so I hope people give you a chance.

Steven

I'm very touchy on the vampire thing these days, and the genre is flooded. But you do have something very special going on with your characters. The interaction is very realistic as is the dialog. A good read.

RISE OF THE NEW BLOODS
This is an interesting vampire story. I like the way you’ve given Jyrki a conscience so he feels bad when he’s killed someone. That gives him a deeper demention than most vampires; lets a reader want to follow him and see how his story turns out. You have a good writing style for this; are able to infuse facts about vampires into the story rather than lecture your reader on vampire traits. Allows the reader to learn about his culture but keep the story flowing. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Have just finished chapter 3 and am really impressed.
You have a natural knack for writing and this is definitely one of the best vampire reads I've come across on Authonomy (if not the best) just based on storyline alone. You have some real gem sentences. I love me a troubled vampire and Jaykri is definitely troubled, the first opening chapter was great and very tragic, it's a great hook to get readers interested.
There is so much potential here but I will say that it needs cleaning. I picked up a few things while reading, keep in mind, I'm no editor so if things I suggest feel wrong to you DON'T CHANGE THEM. I've had some great corrections and some that didn't feel right so definitely take them as they are: suggestions. This is your baby after all, you know what's best for it :)

Alright.
Chapter 1
-After the day I had out hunting for food…- I think you meant -After the day I had been out hunting for food…-
-I wondered, Could this have been what we had been preparing for all these years?- The capital letter mid sentence caught my attention, I think this should be typed as:
-I wondered, “Could this have been what we had been preparing for all these years?”-
-by a nail on the door, almost tearing it in the process and, climbed down the- I don't think you need a comma after the and -by a nail on the door, almost tearing it in the process and climbed down the-
-I turned to look at Father whose ashen face must’ve aged a few years in those split seconds.- No corrections here, I just really loved this sentence ^^ Nice.
-Part of me couldn’t bear to look at it because I knew by father handing me the one thing that kept us all shielded from the sun he placed our lives in mortal danger.- I think this needs rephrasing. I tried breaking it into two sentences, but have a go yourself and see if you can make it flow better.
-Part of me couldn’t bear to look at it, as I knew, father handing me this only meant one thing, he’d be placing all our lives in mortal danger from the sun. It was the only thing shielding us from it after all.-
-Just moments ago I thought, I was secretly hoping for change- I thought is not needed. -Just moments ago, I was secretly hoping for change-

Chapter 2
I did however stop for a moment and and – repeated and
-It was just thankful I had great vision in the dark- I think you meant -I was just thankful I had great vision in the dark-

Chapter 3
-Sometimes, dependingon the richness of the blood- Forgot to press spacebar, happens to the best of us. Just thought I'd point it out. It's one of those things that manages to go unnoticed for too long. -Sometimes, depending on the richness of the blood-

That's all I massively noticed. There are other things, mostly very little but it's those little things that can make an amazing manuscript go unnoticed. Awesome work here, will highly star rate, you are well deserving!
Thanks,
Karlee - Chained
Would love to have some feedback from a fellow vampire lover, so whenever you find yourself with some free time check out my book :)

I'm not really into the vampire thing, but I like the way you started this story.
I initially thought the Others were another clan of vampires, but it was interesting to find out they were human. I like the way you tell the story from the eyes of a vampire looking at humans in a different way.
Could do with a bit more of a description to characters and settings - like the compound, which I feel would really enhance your work.
There are a few typo errors in there - punctuation, spelling, changed tense which could do with addressing but I like what I have read so far.
Good luck with this,
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

This is a cracking good read, Kelly, which - with a bit of editing - will (I am sure) become a firm favourite with the fantasy crowd here. Yes, it would be nice to know what Jyrki looks like (some physical description?) and yes, the timeline and setting are a little vague (when and where are we exactly?), but I love the premise - a clan of the 'last vampires on earth' being tracked down by the 'Others' (somewhere in) Finland and eliminated...all save one and a silver Ankh with nameless powers. That's a killer last line, btw! I particularly liked the strand of humour running through the action - Jyrky's wry comment about his dad's 'lack of people skills' cracked me up! Then there's your best joke which, curiously, is the only one where my editing eye stuck: 'No time for snacks' should (imho) be in italics, cos it's a 'thought', not actual speech. And it may read better as: 'No time for snacks,' I thought as I saw a hare SCURRY into ITS burrow."

I'm giving this six stars for genuine promise. On my list to shelve after your next edit.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

(in your second line, don't you mean WAS still a trace of humanity in me?)

Hi KA,
I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken so long. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.
To be honest, your short pitch is a little weak. Maybe tell the reader something about the story itself.
Same with the first line of the long pitch. Who is “our?” Humanity? United States? British? Russian? Who are you speaking to?
There needs to be a comma after “years”. To me, this is a much better first line than the last one. I’d delete that prior one.
Needs to be a comma after “Without it”
Pretty strong pitch otherwise.
Chapter One
I think this first line is pretty weak. This is a missed opportunity to grab the reader with a strong hook. Paint the picture for us.
With that in mind, this is a strong attempted opening. I like how you establish the character as a vampire, but I do think it’s missing something. Condensing the sentences might make it stronger, especially with that first line.
You have a lot of sentences beginning with “I” in that first paragraph. I count five. Might be a little much, but that also could just be how I’m reading it right now.
You have very good descriptions. I would mind seeing even more. Your writing ability is certainly strong enough for it.
“I swerved around and held the lantern up, It was Draven…” These are two sentences. The comma after “up” should be a period.
“Subconsciously I knew there was great danger ahead of us” If the thought it in the MC’s subconscious, it probably should not be mentioned here. Fill us in only on what the narrator knows, not what he/she can’t know. If it’s in his subconscious, it suggests he does not yet know.
“Words didn’t have to manifest from anyone’s lips” is kind of an overkill way to say “nobody had to say it”
Not that it’s a big deal, but there are a lot of commas missing that need to be there. Such as “It’s time son” (comma after time)
“It was in that very moment, I knew I was the last Vampire.” Change “in” to “at”. I would also suggest condensing to “It was then I knew I was the last vampire.” Not sure why Vampire is capitalized. Also, delete the comma after “moment.”
This is a strong start with powerful images and captivating characters. You’re right. It’s not your ordinary vampire tale, and that’s key. This is very, very interesting. I’m left wanting to know what happens to the last vampire. I think the grammar and punctuation needs to be smoothed out, but that’s no biggie. Great stuff, and I can see it doing well here. High stars from me. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on mine when you get the chance.
Best of luck with this!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Hello Kelly,
Just finished reading the first three chapters of your work. i also read some of the comments that people have posted and some I agree with and some I don't. So with that said I shall add my two cents to the pot.
I do agree with Brian Thompson and Sharon V.O. about timing and the story being rushed. First person POV has never been one of my favorites to write because of timing and pace. Go to slow and loose the reader go too fast and it's like what I miss. One thing that threw me for a loop, (just a small one,) is that in the beginning, I could not get a feel for the timeline till chapter two. What I mean by that is at first reading it I thought it took place in the 16-1700's, then in chapter two he is ambushing someone at their van and there are guys with rifles looking for him. So in thought, when the others came, why are they fighting with spears and swords when they could have had guns? By the way, I love the term others, it's rather vague and gives you the desire to read on to find out who these others are. Humans, most likely. Werewolves, or maybe a different type of vampire. So I really like that.
Only one disagreement, it is rather small but in defense of something you did. I was able to catch it because I did the same thing and was criticized as well but folks fail to realize that either way is correct. Maevesleiblin pointed out that when Amaroth was talking to his son the correct reply is do you vs don't you. This is true in proper English however, it takes away from realization and characterization. The fact that it is in quotes it should be safe. I believe he would have said don't you based on the fact that he is a vampire that lives on an isolated island and no where in the story says he was an English professor. Just like the correct term is may I use the restroom but people don't talk like that. In reality they say can I use the restroom. So like I say it's small either way is correct.
In closing I would like to encourage you to keep chucking at it and stay focused. As Brian had said the vampire market at this time is heavily over-saturated but if well written, great pace and timing, along with awesome characterization( which that part you have already, I would say,) this has potential to be the next twilight saga with room for spin offs. Drevan and Amaroth, (forgive me I'm sure I misspelled the names) are strong enough characters that books could be done to where they are the MC.
Well I enjoyed the read you can return the read if you like but my book Angel is in shambles right now, I have done the rewrites but have not posted it yet. Have fun, keep writing, and enjoy life. Will make room on my shelf for this but have commitments till the end of February so I will watch list you until then.


Good luck,
Terrill L. Davis
Angel

Very nice story. It's intriguing and I absolutely love vampires stories as well. Please check out my book, it puts a different twist on the vampire/werewolf stories I think. Good luck!

Courtney
Hybrid Love

Kelly,
I read the first chapter so far. I think you have a good beginning, but you do yourself harm with the large number of typos and punctuation errors. I highly recommend you take the time to correct these, as it will help your story be judged on its merits. 

Here are some of the ones I found:

  I had somehow become use to this but lately there was a longing in me for change.
Should be "used to this"

Could this had been what we had been preparing for all these years? My stomach churned at the thought. 
Should be "Could tutus have been"
I grabbed my jacket that was hanging by a nail on the door, almost tearing it in the process and climbed down the ladder.
Comma missing after "and"
Three hundred years on these Islands and people were now becoming too close for comfort.  
Getting too close for comfort?
They all turned to look at me,  I somehow felt a sense of responsibility for their lives. 
Period instead of a comma 
Should be big F Father. 

I turned to look at father whos ashen face must've aged a few years in those split seconds
"...at Father, whose ashen..."

'Its the prophecy isn't it? 
Should be "It's"
Part of me couldn't bear to look at it because I knew by father handing me the one thing that kept us all sheilded from the sun,  their lives were now in mortal danger. 
Suggest "By handing me... He had placed their lives in mortal danger."

The Others have detected us..you must leave now!, you know what you are meant to do,
Punctuation errors (two dots after us, comma after !, should be "You")
I trust in you Jyrki just as the ancients did all those years ago.'
Suggest comma after Jyrki


Knowing better than to argue with my father I let my piece go.
I held my peace?

'I guess you didn't become the New Blood elder for your people skills..?' I  managed a wry laugh.
punctuation (period or comma, not both. 

''I hardly think we could be classed as people, don't you?''  He smiled.
Should be "do you"
'jyrki, we'll see each other again, i'm sure' 
Should be capital I'm

Now, Jyrki,you must do as I have asked you and keep the Ankh safe from humans, 
Space after comma 
  Just moments ago I thought, I was secretly hoping for change now it's here I wasn't sure if it was what I really wanted.
suggest: "Just moments ago, I thought, I was secretly hoping for change. Now that it was here I wasn't sure if it was what I really wanted."
'Not time for snacks.'  I thought to myself as I saw a Hare scurried into it's burrow.
Should be "No time...". Small h for Hare.
I found a place to sit on the rocky edge where I tried to gather my thoughts for a while, Still I had no idea where I was going
punctuation after "while"
Yet I was torn between running back down there to help my family, but Father would not have been pleased. 
Torn between running and... 
All for this I whispered as I held the silver Amulet in my ice cold hands. 
Not sure what you are saying- maybe " 'All for this,' I whispered..."
The gentle twittering of a Song Thrush brought a welcome relief to my ears. 
Small caps on Song Thrush. 

No sooner than I had reached the bottom, I could smell the bloodshed that engulfed my lungs like a wistful of smoke. 

Suggest "No sooner had I reached the bottom that I could..."

ground and walked towards the carnage, My hands were now shaking  as I desperately removed the bodies one by one from the pile in hope to find someone alive. 
Punctuation after "carnage"

but time was not on my side, at the corner of my eye I saw the rays of the sun hover over the bodies and watched in horror as one by one they turned to dust.

Suggest period after "side"


I will keep reading. However, I really do recommend you tend tom the typos to get a better reception from your audience. 
More soon,
Maeve

Forgive the pun, but this is a story you can sink your teeth into.
Strong start and a very interesting plot.
A good protagonist can moves the story on in a fluent way.
There seems to be many layers to this story, which give it texture and power.
I can see you have done your homework about myths concerning the vampire, yet it shows you have added your own slant on it.
I enjoyed reading this, well done.

This is certainly a new take on a very old vampire tale. I love the idea of him being the last vampire. Although, that particular story has been told before. You have brought something fresh to it.

A day-walking vampire is always interesting. I would like to know more about the ankh. Where did it come from and how does it work.

The vampire mythology is always the most interesting part. I wish you would give us some of that. And if it comes later on that is fine, just hint at it now.

The overall story seems a bit rushed, but the story itself is sound. Just slow down and show ups more along the way instead of summing it up.

This makes for an interesting adventure. And with a little editing and some fleshing out, it has the potential to be really great.

Best of luck with it.

Sharon
“Lykaia”

Chapter 1:
A really powerful first chapter.
There are a few punctuation issues like using exclamation and question marks together and some ending quotations, but nothing major.

He has just lost his family and community. Take some time and tell us about it, let us experience it with him.

It is when the sun reaches its zenith reducing his friends to ash that he realizes he is the last vampire. You began to describe that, reword the last sentence a bit and it will make a bigger impact

Chapter 2
You say “I swerved my head and turned my head” a lot.

Ok, so we have a vampire on the run. The overall plot of this chapter is good, but you are rushing through it. We only find out he was staying at the house when it was discovered.

He forgot where he hid the sword? That seems hard to believe.

I take he accidentally killed a human. I think your story would be well served to include that in your story instead of just telling us.

Also, I have no idea what types of powers this vampire holds. I take it he is fast, but you don’t really tell us.
The idea of him cutting his arm and drinking the blood seems like it would be forbidden, and you hint at that but then you move on.

There is some really good stuff here, just slow down and describe it for us.

Chapter 3
You missed a chance to be creepy, why did he scare the guy asking for change? What happened? Did his face contort? Did his eyes glow? What?

What would a motorcycle have to do with the prophecy.

Thank you for taking the time to read it, your help is invaluable. I will definitely look into all your suggestions and make changes.
Thank you
Kelly

This is certainly a new take on a very old vampire tale. I love the idea of him being the last vampire. Although, that particular story has been told before. You have brought something fresh to it.

A day-walking vampire is always interesting. I would like to know more about the ankh. Where did it come from and how does it work.

The vampire mythology is always the most interesting part. I wish you would give us some of that. And if it comes later on that is fine, just hint at it now.

The overall story seems a bit rushed, but the story itself is sound. Just slow down and show ups more along the way instead of summing it up.

This makes for an interesting adventure. And with a little editing and some fleshing out, it has the potential to be really great.

Best of luck with it.

Sharon
“Lykaia”

Chapter 1:
A really powerful first chapter.
There are a few punctuation issues like using exclamation and question marks together and some ending quotations, but nothing major.

He has just lost his family and community. Take some time and tell us about it, let us experience it with him.

It is when the sun reaches its zenith reducing his friends to ash that he realizes he is the last vampire. You began to describe that, reword the last sentence a bit and it will make a bigger impact

Chapter 2
You say “I swerved my head and turned my head” a lot.

Ok, so we have a vampire on the run. The overall plot of this chapter is good, but you are rushing through it. We only find out he was staying at the house when it was discovered.

He forgot where he hid the sword? That seems hard to believe.

I take he accidentally killed a human. I think your story would be well served to include that in your story instead of just telling us.

Also, I have no idea what types of powers this vampire holds. I take it he is fast, but you don’t really tell us.
The idea of him cutting his arm and drinking the blood seems like it would be forbidden, and you hint at that but then you move on.

There is some really good stuff here, just slow down and describe it for us.

Chapter 3
You missed a chance to be creepy, why did he scare the guy asking for change? What happened? Did his face contort? Did his eyes glow? What?

What would a motorcycle have to do with the prophecy.

THE RISE OF THE NEW BLOODS, FROM DARK BEGINNINGS:

Here is my half of the first chapter read swap. I’m going to comment based off my first impressions just as a reader. There are other authonomites who are much better at grammar nit-picks than me. As I tell everyone, take what rings true and pitch the rest. My first question, after reading your long pitch, is the age of Jyrki? You mention that he is young, I’m wondering if this would be an appropriate story for the older Young Adult market? I’ll be looking for signs that it may be while I read through.

Chapter 1-

I like how we are immediately thrown into the plot. There isn’t a lot of scene setting, which could be a positive or a negative. I personally like how we start with the focus on the interaction between your MC and his father handing over the ankh. This may be me suggesting this because I write for younger audiences, but is there a way for in the very beginning you to focus solely on the MC and the father and this exchange? It’s like we are being hit over the head with a lot of characters all at once. This handing over of the ankh is a powerful moment and I would like the story to begin closer to that moment.

Remember, that ellipses are always three periods in a row. You are using two many times through out the story.

“No time for snacks,” made me smile. That’s a fun line and funny reminder that we are dealing with vampires here. I’m still wondering how old your MC is ... I’m leaning towards thinking that YA audiences would really enjoy this.

That’s a really powerful last line you have there, and reminds me somewhat of the premise behind my story. It’s the spin that is going to set your story apart. Remember to play to that, otherwise you are going to get the “not another vampire story” comments and/or thoughts.

I’m giving you five stars for a new twist to the traditional story. Check out the Young Author Review Group on the forums ... I’ve had so much valuable feedback from them and I’m sure someone from there would be glad to take a look and see if they think this is more of a YA read as well. Good luck!

Ashley
“Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket”

Hi KA

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

I see vampire stories and worry, but so far it's not bad. You have a good pitch and an interesting beginning. Nce word choice. Good dialogue. I like the characters name. You have good pacing and good textures with the sentence and paragraph lengths. A good idea and not tacky. I hope this goes far. I wish you the best of luck on reaching the Editor's Desk.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Hi...

I like Vampire stories and yours starts off well. I would like to re-read it once you have edited it before I comment on it any further. But good work so far.

Stephen

Before I start, I just like to say; I also enjoy vampire stories, books and movies. However, they have been done to death in the last ten years, taking on many different forms. That’s not to say, their isn’t scope out their for another vampire story. It’s just to say, that you need to have a good imagination and approach to satisfy its’ loyal readership and following. I myself have used a popular theme to underpin my own book, with an added twist at the end, that I hope no one will see coming.

Anyway I digress, your story is clearly gaining interest, which leads me to believe that you might just have something very special here; that with some work could be tomorrow’s next big blockbuster. However, you may want to consider a few things first, before you start opening the Champaign; and just to let you know I’m not looking at your punctuation or grammar here.

Anyway just some ideas to think about:

Timing and pace, pace and timing. Rome wasn’t built in a day, let the story grow naturally, don’t force it.
You need to let the reader feel the loss of his family; even vampires have emotions. I don’t mean you should have an out poring of grief here, because he is clearly on the run, with little time to think. You just need to feed the grief and loss into the story at the correct time.

Finally, there are some excellent descriptive and imaginative passages, which really highlight your ability to write.

I have given your book a 5 star rating for now, based on it’s potential to grow and improve. This really could be outstanding.

Well done!

Thank you. Usually I write at such a pace I don't give a thought to punctuation/grammer until I go back over it. I just have to write down what's in my head and then go back to it. You are right, and it has been said before, I need to slow the story down a touch, especially in chapter one. At the moment I am thinking more about the plot and trying to keep the story moving before I go back to edit. Perhaps something will crop up in the last few chapters that could alter the first few.
I do appreciate any feedback I get because I know it is only going to help me become a better writer. So thank you again. kelly

Before I start, I just like to say; I also enjoy vampire stories, books and movies. However, they have been done to death in the last ten years, taking on many different forms. That’s not to say, their isn’t scope out their for another vampire story. It’s just to say, that you need to have a good imagination and approach to satisfy its’ loyal readership and following. I myself have used a popular theme to underpin my own book, with an added twist at the end, that I hope no one will see coming.

Anyway I digress, your story is clearly gaining interest, which leads me to believe that you might just have something very special here; that with some work could be tomorrow’s next big blockbuster. However, you may want to consider a few things first, before you start opening the Champaign; and just to let you know I’m not looking at your punctuation or grammar here.

Anyway just some ideas to think about:

Timing and pace, pace and timing. Rome wasn’t built in a day, let the story grow naturally, don’t force it.
You need to let the reader feel the loss of his family; even vampires have emotions. I don’t mean you should have an out poring of grief here, because he is clearly on the run, with little time to think. You just need to feed the grief and loss into the story at the correct time.

Finally, there are some excellent descriptive and imaginative passages, which really highlight your ability to write.

I have given your book a 5 star rating for now, based on it’s potential to grow and improve. This really could be outstanding.

Well done!

Hi, I stumbled across your work ad stopped to take a look.
This is an interesting approach to the vampire myth, which I can see you running with well.
However, it needs a comprehensive edit.
You have some sentences which just don't make sense, eg "Suddenly I became use to this but now there was a longing in me for change." or "self misery" - do you mean self-pity?
You need a good look through your punctuation, eg 'Jyrki!, wait there a moment?', and classically speech is written as if the words describing the speech are part of the same sentence, so not,  ''All for this.' I whispered, but "All for this," I whispered.. You also have several stray apostrophes, eg "father who's ashen face" (also needs a comma after father) and I noticed one "it's"instead of "its" (it helps to think of 'it' following the pattern of 'his' and 'hers', while 'it's' is 'it is', shortened).

Lastly I was astonished how swiftly you dealt with the destruction of Jyrki's family - all over in a few short paragraphs. This may well be deliberate, but it seemed to me that it warranted more time.

All in all, though, there is a vigour to this which, once you've tidied it up, should carry your story well.

All the best with it,

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

Nice cover. :P

Of course it is:)

Nice cover. :P

i love vampire books in general and it is really interesting and flows nicely. good luck.

your opening lines do such a good job to start your tale. full of brilliant and descriptive narrative that really makes your story credible. some may complain of vampire overkill, not me.
l will back with six stars******
read SEASONS...