The White Mask Of Suburbia

Thanks, Scott. I am so grateful for any comments good or bad. I am glad you mentioned the unique nature of the story.

Your friend,
Darran.

QUOTE] Great book! You have a really interesting concept and it is very unique. I will be reading more!
Thanks,
Scott

Great book! You have a really interesting concept and it is very unique. I will be reading more!
Thanks,
Scott

Thank-you so much for your backing. I will put your own book on my watch list.

Your friend,
Darran.

Hi Darran, I was drawn in by the narrative voice, the description of the suburban area, and the ominous tone. The mask comes in as a novelty so that the story retains its realism, telling about the accident and then Cleo's disappearance. The subtle entrance of fantasy is a nice change.
I noted: The commas in the first sentence don’t seem necessary. “a neighbor’s garden to retrieve it, without shouting at you… the subject for “shouting at you” isn’t clear. "....,that we could use for making things" - what we could use for making things?
The fantasy mask seeming to affect the world around the protagonist gives the first chapters the hint of a thriller. It's very promising and different. I'll be shelving when space opens in the next days. Katherine

Hello, Mrs. Job. Hope you are well. I will let you know when I have added some more chapters. Thank-you so much for the interest you have shown.

Your friend,
Darran.

I have some time to be back on authonomy for a while and wanted to read the materials of my "friends" before responding to other requests, so here I am. The story line sounds very interesting. I think maybe more details could be introduced to give the reader a spookier feeling and a sense of knowing the hero, his friend, and his mom better. I have a problem, though, with making my way past the need for a careful editorial read. It cuts into my enjoyment.

I'm curious to know more about what happens. Would you be willing to let me know when you have edited it?

thanks,

Mrs. Job

I have some time to be back on authonomy for a while and wanted to read the materials of my "friends" before responding to other requests, so here I am. The story line sounds very interesting. I think maybe more details could be introduced to give the reader a spookier feeling and a sense of knowing the hero, his friend, and his mom better. I have a problem, though, with making my way past the need for a careful editorial read. It cuts into my enjoyment.

I'm curious to know more about what happens. Would you be willing to let me know when you have edited it?

thanks,

Mrs. Job

Great story! Needs a bit of editing. Happy to back your work. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown. Good Luck.
Sue50

Hi Darran, I was drawn in by the narrative voice, the description of the suburban area, and the ominous tone. The mask comes in as a novelty so that the story retains its realism, telling about the accident and then Cleo's disappearance. The subtle entrance of fantasy is a nice change.
I noted: The commas in the first sentence don’t seem necessary. “a neighbor’s garden to retrieve it, without shouting at you… the subject for “shouting at you” isn’t clear. "....,that we could use for making things" - what we could use for making things?
The fantasy mask seeming to affect the world around the protagonist gives the first chapters the hint of a thriller. It's very promising and different. I'll be shelving when space opens in the next days. Katherine

Just read the first chapter and a half.
I like the way your story is going so far and will be interested to find out what happens later.
I strongly think you need to read through the text again, or get someone else to do it, as there are quite a few errors. Some are punctuation - missing speech marks, capitals where not needed, untidy use of commas or wrong words.
Some examples:
"the most weirdest of all...." - most weird.
"...in half hour, no later you hear me! - half an hour, possibly need comma after later, missing speech marks at the end.
"What was you look for young man?" - What were you looking for....
"Well there is some comics..." - there are
".....strong idea the girl had seen in the mirror" - I had seen
"I meet my mum just has she had finished her shopping" - met my mum, just as she had....
"....in the shops mirror" - shop's
The first paragraph of the 2nd chapter is all over the place - "whiles walking" - while, "motorcyclist has he hit me" - as he hit, "glancing blow that throws me back" - threw (changed tense), crushing into the high curb" - crashing, "my head taking" - took.
In paragraph 3, look at your use of the word "her". Perhaps consider saying "the top pocket" and "the clipboard"?
I'm sorry if it looks like I'm being picky - I'm not. I just think you need a big proof read.
I hope this helps,
Cheers,
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

Hi,

Sorry it's taken so long to get to your book. But I have finally found the time to read chapter one and I have included some comments below. These are only suggestions, so feel free to accept or ignore anything you disagree with. :)

One thing that struck me the most during the read, seemed to be a formatting problem. When it came to some of your dialogue, one part of the speech is on one line and the rest of it is on another. At times, I wondered if a new speaker had suddenly joined the conversation. Anyway, you might want to look at this as it made following the conversations difficult. For example:
“Thank you, Dan,” and, “I think we can all learn from that.”
“Before, adding” and, “'I think she needs...'” Also, you should complete your speech tags. For example, “Cleo said before adding...”

There also seemed to be some punctuation and sentence structure problems throughout. An example for corrections, “Although, (remove comma) my answer was (THAT) of someone so (MUCH) more mature (AND) even (delete EVEN) educated than myself, It (remove capitol I) probably saved me from another school detention.”

So far, you have a very interesting beginning for childrens book. You have sowed seeds of mystery surrounding the mask which should entice any young reader to keep turning the pages.

Best regards,

Dyane

HI,
I've put this on my watchlist. It's sounds like a great storyline. I only read the first chapter and found you need to tighten up your sentences to convey the best meaning to your reader. Can't wait to read more.
Michelle

HI,
I've put this on my watchlist. It's sounds like a great storyline. I only read the first chapter and found you need to tighten up your sentences to convey the best meaning to your reader. Can't wait to read more.
Michelle

Darran,

I enjoyed how you started your story with the poem and how you set things up by letting the reader know that you and the mask would have more encounters together over time. As others have said, some basic editing with grammar and punctuation will help a great deal in tightening your writing and helping the reader to not get distracted by those types of errors. Seems like you have a nice storyline going and I wish you all the best with it.

Blessings!

Patti

An enchanting story, wrote with real feeling and an understanding of your characters.
You are at ease with your storytelling techniques.
The pace flows beautifully and the POV is perfect, and makes the story more captivating.
Your description is enthralling and the dialogue is gripping.
You end each chapter with a riveting hook that makes the reader turn the page wanting more of the feeling you convey in your lines.
I can see your feeling run deep with the writing of this book and it shows in the finished piece.
Well done, I have rated this very highly and would recommend it to others.
xx

Neville, very grateful for your review of the first chapter. I have already picked up the grammar mistakes that you mentioned. I read some of your book's first chapter. I really enjoyed your writing style. I will shortly be reordering my bookshelf and feel that your book will stand a good chance of being on it.

Stars: *****

Many thanks,
Darran: The White Mask of Suberbia

The White Mask of Suburbia.
By Darran Hardwick.


Your story is coming along very nicely.
Liked the part where Carl saved the birds eggs, I used to do the same when I was young.
A nice storyline about the white mask, it has the intrigue that will capture a child’s interest.
Your Idea’s are good together with your description.
I will get back to this as I’ve only read the first chapter…I already like it though.
A couple of things you may wish to look at below and put right, nothing too much.

…We walked (pass) the new shop… Past?
…Right next to that, It had an old Italian war helmet… (Right next to it was an old Italian war helmet).
…And probably the most weirdest of all a large looking skeleton hanging on a stand… Comma after ‘All ’.
…”Come on you bought what Dan?”… (Comma after ‘what’.) – Always place a comma before a person’s name in speech.

I’ve star rated your book for now and will take another look shortly.

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time zone.

The White Mask of Suburbia.
By Darran Hardwick.


Your story is coming along very nicely.
Liked the part where Carl saved the birds eggs, I used to do the same when I was young.
A nice storyline about the white mask, it has the intrigue that will capture a child’s interest.
Your Idea’s are good together with your description.
I will get back to this as I’ve only read the first chapter…I already like it though.
A couple of things you may wish to look at below and put right, nothing too much.

…We walked (pass) the new shop… Past?
…Right next to that, It had an old Italian war helmet… (Right next to it was an old Italian war helmet).
…And probably the most weirdest of all a large looking skeleton hanging on a stand… Comma after ‘All ’.
…”Come on you bought what Dan?”… (Comma after ‘what’.) – Always place a comma before a person’s name in speech.

I’ve star rated your book for now and will take another look shortly.

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time zone.

Thank-you so much for your advice.
Darran.

Hi Darran,

I've been pretty much away from authonomy for quite a while. Now that I have some time I wanted first to pay attention to my "friends" before going on to all those other requests, so here I am, having read your pitch and your first chapter. I really like your premise, but I have to admit I have a hard time reading both the pitch and the chapter. I think I'd enjoy it if you could clean up your grammatical and linguistic errors. A part of me wants to get detailed about that, but there are just so many places is would take too much time. Could you find a friend who would help clean this up for you so we can really appreciate your story? I'd like to see that happen because I feel your content makes it really worth the work.

I'd love it if you would let me know when you've rewritten it some.

Mona (Mrs. Job)

Hi Darran,

I've been pretty much away from authonomy for quite a while. Now that I have some time I wanted first to pay attention to my "friends" before going on to all those other requests, so here I am, having read your pitch and your first chapter. I really like your premise, but I have to admit I have a hard time reading both the pitch and the chapter. I think I'd enjoy it if you could clean up your grammatical and linguistic errors. A part of me wants to get detailed about that, but there are just so many places is would take too much time. Could you find a friend who would help clean this up for you so we can really appreciate your story? I'd like to see that happen because I feel your content makes it really worth the work.

I'd love it if you would let me know when you've rewritten it some.

Mona (Mrs. Job)

Hi, David. Thank-you for your reply. I am only looking to improve my writing not worried about getting book shelves or getting on the ED. Greatly appreciate whatever comments you can give.

Many thanks,
Darran The White Mask of Suberbia

Hi Darran

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Hi Darran

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Darran,
I checked out your book, THE WHITE MASK OF SUBURBIA, and I decided it deserved a spot on my shelf, so I backed it. Good luck and happy writing. If you will take a look at my novel, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, it would be appreciated.

Dwain-Thomas

Fascinating premise. I really loved the ideas in your pitch. It seemed a good fit for a YA book, but the story, when I started reading it, seemed better pitched for a younger audience. Given the simple language and the eleven year old protagonist, it might be better suited to the 8-10 age range? I’m not an expert, but it struck me as a children’s book rather than a YA one.

The descriptions in chapter one, the pacing and the lead up to finding the mask, also seemed more suitable for younger readers.

Nits noticed:
Missing commas;
Other errant punctuation;
US spelling (which surprised me as the book is based in the UK);
Random capitals.

There’s some good stuff here, but some basic editing will make this a stronger read and enable you to sort the wood from the trees.

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

A promised review: The White Mask of Suburbia.
An interesting start. I love the poem you chose for the prologue and felt it tied in perfectly with the story you're telling.

I read the prologue and opening chapter and have a few (well, not THAT few) suggestions to make it tighter.

Prologue: A space or line break after 'We Wear The Mask'
was the last to [give my answer]. - We know that he is going to look at the deeper meaning of the poem.
How old is Dan here? 4B - so he's 10/11. His answer is at an extremely higher level than that. This is the level of understanding you'd get from a Uni-student, maybe not even then. If this is set in Dan's future, then maybe you should show us that by indicating a year. But then again I'm pretty sure 4B refers to grade 4/ Fourth grade/ Fourth form, etc.

Chapter 1: Beverley [R]oad; [A]venue
fence [posts?] ... missing [-] a real annoyance... ->This is one long sentence. Try splitting it up.
[s]chool
...rubbish [and] [w]orkmen -> combine the sentences.
go-[c]arts?
yellow[-]looking
stopped by Carl's mum. ->'unexpectedly' is implied.
'Do we have to[?]'
Your dialogue here is a bit stiff (too formal). Try reading it aloud and listen to yourself. What would two 11-year-old boys say/do/react if they are asked to abandon a day of fun and games to clean a backyard. They would moan and argue - especially Carl. He might even be embarrassed by his mom for asking his friend to clean up his yard.
Also look at your speech tags: Eg. 'Yes,' he said. And not 'Yes.' He said.
'...pile of wood,' she continued. 'I will make...'
[s]un
'... lunchtime?' asked Mrs. Sampson, raising ...

I too thought the discovery of the mask is too soon. The scene has only been set for us to meet and grow attached to Dan. We are learning about his environment and friends. Try to add him finding the mask a chapter or so later.

We need to see more of his life before the mask changes everything.

A question? Why would an ancient mask - that has magical powers, mind you, be lying in a box full of wires and things? Maybe Mrs. Sampson can add something about buying it ages ago at this medicine woman's yard sale/ Rastaferian lady's shop (depending on origin of mask ;)

I hope I've given you some food for thought.
Your descriptions are marvellous. The road refurbishment, the boys playing cricket, egg shells. Just have a look at your dialogue.

5 stars on an entertaining read.

Michelle
The Gypsy's Daughter

A promised review: The White Mask of Suburbia.
An interesting start. I love the poem you chose for the prologue and felt it tied in perfectly with the story you're telling.

I read the prologue and opening chapter and have a few (well, not THAT few) suggestions to make it tighter.

Prologue: A space or line break after 'We Wear The Mask'
was the last to [give my answer]. - We know that he is going to look at the deeper meaning of the poem.
How old is Dan here? 4B - so he's 10/11. His answer is at an extremely higher level than that. This is the level of understanding you'd get from a Uni-student, maybe not even then. If this is set in Dan's future, then maybe you should show us that by indicating a year. But then again I'm pretty sure 4B refers to grade 4/ Fourth grade/ Fourth form, etc.

Chapter 1: Beverley [R]oad; [A]venue
fence [posts?] ... missing [-] a real annoyance... ->This is one long sentence. Try splitting it up.
[s]chool
...rubbish [and] [w]orkmen -> combine the sentences.
go-[c]arts?
yellow[-]looking
stopped by Carl's mum. ->'unexpectedly' is implied.
'Do we have to[?]'
Your dialogue here is a bit stiff (too formal). Try reading it aloud and listen to yourself. What would two 11-year-old boys say/do/react if they are asked to abandon a day of fun and games to clean a backyard. They would moan and argue - especially Carl. He might even be embarrassed by his mom for asking his friend to clean up his yard.
Also look at your speech tags: Eg. 'Yes,' he said. And not 'Yes.' He said.
'...pile of wood,' she continued. 'I will make...'
[s]un
'... lunchtime?' asked Mrs. Sampson, raising ...

I too thought the discovery of the mask is too soon. The scene has only been set for us to meet and grow attached to Dan. We are learning about his environment and friends. Try to add him finding the mask a chapter or so later.

We need to see more of his life before the mask changes everything.

A question? Why would an ancient mask - that has magical powers, mind you, be lying in a box full of wires and things? Maybe Mrs. Sampson can add something about buying it ages ago at this medicine woman's yard sale/ Rastaferian lady's shop (depending on origin of mask ;)

I hope I've given you some food for thought.
Your descriptions are marvellous. The road refurbishment, the boys playing cricket, egg shells. Just have a look at your dialogue.

5 stars on an entertaining read.

Michelle
The Gypsy's Daughter

I found this a very interesting idea, and it does have great potential. However, there were a few things that I noticed that will hold this book back. For one, there were a few flawed sentences, just in ordering or words. Quotations, you probably know, shouldn't be in bold. I assume you had a reason for that. It seemed very sudden when the mask was found, maybe a little too sudden. I would have suggested drawing it out a little more.

On the flip side, you're quite gifted with imagery. I was able to visualize everything you described, and that is an invaluable skill for an author to have. I only read the first chapter, but I find that the first chapter tells a lot about a book. I hope you'll understand. While this book isn't the exact style I enjoy, it does have great promise. I hope you'll work through the kinks and get it polished up nicely.

Hopefully helpful,
~Lykan~

THE WHITE MASK OF SUBURBIA
Darran Hardwick

I am writing this again after being shown the error message from Authonomy. Sometimes, after you type in a comment, it gets lost when this site does not work properly. I will never learn to copy what I have written before hitting the send button so all I said will not be lost.

I tried to respond to your invitation to read The White Mask of Suburbia but a note from yet another of those wise ones at Authonomy said that you were only accepting messages from friends. Made me feel as if I could not be included in that category. Even so, here I am because I quite liked your story and wanted to comment.

I placed your book on my watchlist. I feel as if the extent of the content here is like those eggs in your novel that got blown out before the hatching process begins. I always feel like the Earth falls out from beneath me when I get into a story and it stops abruptly leaving me to wonder at the rest. Particularly, I would like to see if you are able to get a proper beginning, middle and end. I really liked your settings. They gave me a strong sense of place.

I think your long pitch really beckons to a reader. I feel your writing is strong and only needs slight editing to eliminate typos.

Mary Enck
A King in Time

I like the concept of this book - the conflicting union of the past and present and the recontruction of a new destiny. I will message you. I have rated it and backed it as I feel it has a soul I can relate to. Thank you for suggesting the read.

the use of the 1st person works very well, making your excellent narrative even better...
l have backed...
read SEASONS...

Thank.you Kat for your backing. I will take a look at Dark side. Those girls are great.

All the best,
Darran. TWMOS.

Backed The White Mask Of Suburbia. I am not an author so can not give suggestions on spelling, puctuation, or grammar. I think this is a tale YA readers will really like. The mystery of the mask, past and present colliding, and a new girl at school are intriguing components that will hook the reader. Your book was recommended by CC Brown author of Dark Side. Read, liked, star rated, and backed. Hope you will find a place on your shelf for their book.
Kat51

Backed The White Mask Of Suburbia. I am not an author so can not give suggestions on spelling, puctuation, or grammar. I think this is a tale YA readers will really like. The mystery of the mask, past and present colliding, and a new girl at school are intriguing components that will hook the reader. Your book was recommended by CC Brown author of Dark Side. Read, liked, star rated, and backed. Hope you will find a place on your shelf for their book.
Kat51

Hi Darran. Had a look at your book. The plot is interesting, and your main character seems an intelligent and sensitive person. I can tell you are a creative thinker and were very inspired by this idea of the mask. It's an intriguing one, for sure.

Have to agree with your other commenters that the whole thing needs a good copyedit to clean up the prose. It varies from eloquent and descriptive to some pretty funky punctuation and sentence structure. It's incredibly hard to do this kind of edit oneself, we are so close to the writing we don't see things. Maybe you can find someone who is a nit-picker to go over it for you and redline the parts that need work? A story this strong should not be held down by the technical aspects...it could go far if you make it happen.

The long pitch needs to be more specific, as it is now the many hints just end up being confusing...we're not sure what this story is really about. The thoughts need to be simpler, more linear. For example, here is how you might edit the first paragraph:

Dan Morgan finds an ancient white mask in his best friend's back garden and everything in his life begins to change. He's involved in a road accident, his sister Cleo disappears and a mysterious old couple move into the neighborhood. He hears the story of a Saxon girl called Kindear who longed to reunite with her first love and soon afterwards, a strange new girl appears at his school. After coming in contact with the mask, the past and the present begin to blur and form an uncertain future.

Good luck with this piece, it definitely shows promise! I am still re-editing the last few chapters of my book after working on it for two years, so don't be discouraged. It takes a long time to get it right, I guess. We just have to be stubborn and persistent. Onwards! ~Gail

Hello Darran.

I looked at your first chapter and noted down my thoughts as I read. These are only my opinions; I don’t know any more about writing than anyone else, so please read my suggestions with that in mind!

My first impression was that this was a first daught that you haven’t revised yet. You need to get the typos out of the opening section to create a good impression.

‘She wanted us to research the poems meaning and meassage…’ should be poem’s.
‘…someone we really love but can never have, Can we let the mask slip and still be accepted…’ You need a full stop between have and Can.

‘Carl Sampson had been transferred from another School after suffering a onslaught of bullying so severe that his parents deemed it worthwhile, to have him taken out of the school.’ You don’t need a capital for school, or a comma after worthwhile. The phrase is a bit repetitive and maybe unecessarily wordy. You could prune it and say something like:
‘Carl’s parents decided to change his school when he became the victim of a particularly vicious case of bullying.’

‘Carl and myself had come to a decision that day to meet up with Ivan Donald, another friend who lived just a short walk along from my own home in Beverley Road. All three of us had become close friends in the Summer holidays.’
I think you need to specify which day you mean, and generally tighten up the sentence. A suggestion:
‘On this particular June day, Carl and I decided to go meet Ivan Donald who lived not far from my house (you already said it was in Bevereley Road). The three of us had become close friends in the summer holidays.’

‘Do we have to Miss Sampson.’ Should be ‘Do we have to, Mrs Sampson?’
This whole exchange needs looking through for typos.

You describe in detail how Dan finds the mask, then you switch to describing the plans to organise a cricket match. Another switch to describing Carl bird nesting, the back to the cricket match.
I think you need to restructure this opening chapter to get it flowing more evenly. It dots about a bit even after Dan finds the mask, which is obviously a pivotal moment. Maybe put the sections about the cricket match and the bird nesting in the next chapter and end with the description of the magnetic attraction of the mask.
I’d like to know more about what Dan does with his find and I’ll come back and read some more later.
Cheers
Jane

If you look at my stuff maybe read a bit of Wormholes; the story also begins in a school context.

There are way too many commas and unnecessary words. If I were you I'd consider cleaning this up some. This doesn't mean that after some editing and revision you couldn't have a great plot and story to tell. It's just that agents get put off by too many grammatical mistakes; I'm simply repeating what others have told me. I'm currently in the process of revising/editing my book. Try to get your work as close to perfection as possible without a single extraneous word. This site is about more than revealing your work to the world. It's a great tool to improve. I would greatly appreciate some feedback and suggestions as well. Best of luck!
-Cassandra

You have an interesting idea, Darran. I can't necessarily comment on your grammar and punctuation because I know it is different in your country than mine---lol, I learned this after correcting several people. I learned that I don't know anything about grammar and punctuation in your country! I like what you have going on here, but I think you are going to need another edit session to make it flow more smoothly. Your story seems disjointed which means the thoughts don't flow smoothly. I couldn't keep up with what was going on. (That could just be me tho, so please take my comments with a grain of salt!). Your idea is unique and is worth working with.

Good luck with this, and please let me know when (if) you edit again. I'll gladly reread it!
Thanks and sincerely,

D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

Hello Darran,

I'm very grateful you suggested your book to me as I've thoroughly enjoyed reading it. You certainly have a knack for story telling and I rarely found myself loosing interest whilst reading through the chapters. Chapter 5 onward for me was incredibly enjoyable and began to really pull me into your story. Dan's character I found very likeable and I enjoy his calculating attitude, it's refreshing reading about such an intelligent character that is so young. I'll gladly add this to my bookshelf as I feel you are very deserving and would love to help you grab more attention toward your book ! Keep it up :)

Thanks,
Karlee - Chained
And just to chuck it out there I'd be extremely grateful if you could check out my book and leave some feedback. I have a feeling you would like it :)

Hi, Tom. thanks for your support. I will put you on my WL, and take a peek at From Hugs to Kisse's for you.
Many thanks,
Darran.
TWMOS.

Hello Darren-

book. The White Mask-

the cover of your book caught my attention whilst browsing and glad it did-
your pitch i found to be very intriguing and again grapped my attention.

Read the five chapters posted and conclude that you have a very good tale to tell here.
The read certainly picks up pace and interest at chapter four and on into five.
that house were we meet Penny and what a lovely garden and then later same house and its overgrowing and no sight of Penny,
the introduction of Jenny in school is again well set out and her vanishing near the grave yard is eerie and set up the premise for a very good adventure to follow.
I have no doubt that this well written book of yours will shoot up rapidly in the charts and i wish you all the best of luck with it
tom bye
from hugs to kisses'
obliged if you might glance at mine please; you might like chapter 27.

Hello Darren-

book. The White Mask-

the cover of your book caught my attention whilst browsing and glad it did-
your pitch i found to be very intriguing and again grapped my attention.

Read the five chapters posted and conclude that you have a very good tale to tell here.
The read certainly picks up pace and interest at chapter four and on into five.
that house were we meet Penny and what a lovely garden and then later same house and its overgrowing and no sight of Penny,
the introduction of Jenny in school is again well set out and her vanishing near the grave yard is eerie and set up the premise for a very good adventure to follow.
I have no doubt that this well written book of yours will shoot up rapidly in the charts and i wish you all the best of luck with it
tom bye
from hugs to kisses'
obliged if you might glance at mine please; you might like chapter 27.

Darren,

Great start to your book. I liked the short poem and how it surprises us that it is indeed the object of a classroom discussion. You effectively show the reader that Dan is no dummy, in fact for an eleven year old, he’s quite an intelligent kid who can read between the lines. As the story went on, it seems Dan is older than his years.

I also like the premise of your story and really enjoyed the myth that Penny tells the boys about. In it we see what part the mask will have in Dan’s life. It seems like transitions from scene to scene could be could be smoother and use a little more explanation. I could understand exactly what was happening, I was just wanting to see more subtle, less abrupt shifts in the scenes.

I came across some punctuation, grammar and spelling errors. A good edit would serve your story well. I pointed out a few of them.

Check the punctuation and grammar in the three sentences starting with, “My face trying hard not to…” There are a couple fragments and are awkward sounding

“My first instinct… just through (throw) it back… the mask(’)s outline…”

Chapter two

“The last thing I remembered… (h)as he hit me…”

Check out the paragraph beginning, “The door sprung open…” Perhaps you can shorten this. You use two repeating prepositions “before.”

Darren, I believe if you concentrate on keeping the flow of your story smooth, stick with a consistent voice and complete a thorough edit, you will have a top-notch book!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood