Perfect Immunity

great short pitch. gave a punch that drew me in... good premise. good read..
j
what every woman should know

Dear Nathan,

The prologue was good, nice tense start and promises more of the same for later in the book. Just one thing I would mention (just my opinion of course); I would incorporate the fact that the car landed on the road, but on its roof in one breath as opposed to saying it landed on the road, speaking about him screwing his eyes up, etc, and then going back and saying it landed on its roof. Maybe its just me, but I pictured it landing on the road right way up and then had to 'flip it in my mind' a few sentences later.
I thought your characterisations were great with the different boys and Jonny made me shudder. You do very well to give them each their own voice.
I thought the tension build nicely toward the end of chapter one with the mysteriour car that pulled into school and Lane being called into the office.
A couple of thoughts on editing: ....wooden rowing boat. Rod in had at the.... (....Rod in hand...)

Few places where you use 'too' instead of 'to'

Overall, a great start and well starred!

Best of luck with this!
Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance

Dear Nathan,

Here are my thoughts on PERFECT IMMUNITY.

Interesting and plausible premise – a plot revolving around an omnipotent vaccine makes for a riveting thriller. The short and long pitches are both very well written, although I believe you can remove the genre descriptors from the SP and make better use of the free space. The short prologue was very good – fast-paced and breathless. I particularly liked the way you handled the accident and Malcolm’s actions in his last desperate moments. The pace slowed down in the next chapter, but I guess that’s how you intended it to be; explosive prologue – slow build-up – and then, the narrative suddenly picks up momentum again.

Overall, I liked what I read. I could relate to Lane’s dream of his late father and I liked the way you’ve developed the different characters through their attitudes and mannerisms. From what I’ve read of Ashley so far, I can certainly foresee a lot of kick-ass action in later chapters. While Lane will be the balancing factor, Johnny will bring in the element of humour. I don’t know how Ed’s going to fit in, but he seems like an idea-man of sorts. The writing is good, but the dialogue needs to be tightened.
My rating: 6 STARS. Best of luck with it.

Warm regards,
AGC

What a wonderful start with the prologue. Prologue kept a promising stone for the story. Good flow of thoughts and conversations keep readers intact into the story. Really liked it.
Backed !!

Hi
I found the prologue a little to sticcato for my taste it could do with a little more work on the chase, not much just a little to make it flow better.
The first chapter was good but could do with a little less dressing and a bit more threat though the development of the different boys attitudes was good.
It just needs a little tightening up.
But that's enough criticism as I really liked it.
Good luck with it.
Owen

Hi.
The Prologue promised a fast paced action—yet in Chapter 1 you decide to start a slow, breakfast scene, throw in a tail (for tension), and leave the reader wondering about what’s going on. The writing’s good, but needs tightening—a lot. Put yourself in the reader’s place and find out how important some of your details are to the plot.
Keep in mind that the secret to a successful thriller is tension on every page.
I haven’t been her in almost a year (and don’t know if I’m coming back, or when. If I do, I’ll check yours again and read on…so, for now, it’s on my watchlist.
Dan

PERFECT IMMUNITY
This is a book based on an interesting premise: what would happen if you were immune to everything? The beginning with the accident is dramatic. I liked the way Lane and Ashley have adjusted to living alone; they’re a good brother/sister combo. Another strength of the book is your dialogue. It’s fresh and crisp and sounds real. Highly rated and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

I like the prologue there is a lot of action. It also leaves the reader with a lot of questions like who is Malcolm and why is he being chased? I only read to chapter five but I hope you answer those questions later in the novel. I like the friendship you have between Lane, Eddy and Johnny..there are all different and you can tell by the dialogue which one is speaking..which is really great characterization. Some suggestions to improve the story is we are not told where the story takes place..Second there are a couple of spelling errors I noticed in the first two chapters..maybe it's just me but you use "black saloon" a lot..i'm not sure where you live but I don't understand the reference..Do you mean SUV or cadillac?..I hope this helps..

Erica
Gardenia: The Origin of Flowers

Interesting idea the readers gets from the pitch. It's an intriguing idea. I like your prologue and opening chapter. I do want to note that maybe break up some of the larger paragraphs, just so the reader doesn't get to apprehensive to read through it. I do like the Mercedes though, nice cars. Your voice seems simple and a good tie to this sort of work. Good dialogue in the beginning, I like how you don't have to many dialogue tags and it seems you are doing okay with showing the reader the story rather then just telling it. I wish you the best of luck on reaching the Editor's Desk.

Hi Anna
Thanks for your comments, I am tending to agree with you about the breaking up of the paragraphs, I will set about it tomorrow hopefully. I took a look at your too. Good work. :)

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Interesting idea the readers gets from the pitch. It's an intriguing idea. I like your prologue and opening chapter. I do want to note that maybe break up some of the larger paragraphs, just so the reader doesn't get to apprehensive to read through it. I do like the Mercedes though, nice cars. Your voice seems simple and a good tie to this sort of work. Good dialogue in the beginning, I like how you don't have to many dialogue tags and it seems you are doing okay with showing the reader the story rather then just telling it. I wish you the best of luck on reaching the Editor's Desk.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Hi Nathan
I enjoyed reading this first chapter and found it an interesting intro to your young protagonist. Some nice use of tension with the car and his sense of foreboding re the head teacher etc. I've made a few suggerstions re grammaticals and style - hope they make sense.


he was deeply engrossed..." I'd lose the "deeply" - it feels kind of redundant.
visitors car park and heads office - need possesives - "visitors' car" park and "head's office" twice for head's office - once in dialogue and once at very end.
The general tone of this felt older to me than a 13yr old - loads of the swearing/language and terms like feeding you too much pot" just didnt scan right for me 18 maybe or maybe I'm just out of touch.
I enjoyed it, have starred it anwd will read some more - on my watchlist.
If you have time - please check out my book The Angel Chord - it's a supernatural thriller - I'd liove to hear any thoughts or comments you might have on it.
cheers Nathan and well done with this
Derek

Hey Derek thanks for your comments they were very useful, I to was sharing a lot of your views and have since reworked some of it. I will up date it some time soon.
Many Thanks Nath :)

Made a start tonight, as promised, and found the dialogue utterly convincing, brought to life even more by the narrative. The main character's relationship with his sister was also rather touching. All very believable, and the car following him provided the narrative thrust. Great stuff.

Hi Nathan
I enjoyed reading this first chapter and found it an interesting intro to your young protagonist. Some nice use of tension with the car and his sense of foreboding re the head teacher etc. I've made a few suggerstions re grammaticals and style - hope they make sense.


he was deeply engrossed..." I'd lose the "deeply" - it feels kind of redundant.
visitors car park and heads office - need possesives - "visitors' car" park and "head's office" twice for head's office - once in dialogue and once at very end.
The general tone of this felt older to me than a 13yr old - loads of the swearing/language and terms like feeding you too much pot" just didnt scan right for me 18 maybe or maybe I'm just out of touch.
I enjoyed it, have starred it anwd will read some more - on my watchlist.
If you have time - please check out my book The Angel Chord - it's a supernatural thriller - I'd liove to hear any thoughts or comments you might have on it.
cheers Nathan and well done with this
Derek

There is a lot promising in this draft. Lane is a strong character and I feel compelled to root for him. The action scenes are exciting. The dialog snaps great. The plot is interesting, although the pacing could be improved a bit.

Since this is still a draft, there are some issues here. The good news is that they are fairly easy to correct and when you are done, you will be left with a terrific novel.

You need to grab the reader at the beginning of the story. The warning that something bad will happen is a good start. Using the word boring it he opening paragraph isn’t a good idea. Also be sure to skip actions and events that don’t build the plot or the characters. Lane’s fishing dream doesn’t mean all that much.
Hyphenate “thirteen-year-old schoolboy.” – “nine-to-five office job.”

Be sure to use periods at the end of all sentences, even those with quotation marks.

Pay attention to literary style with regard to numerals. Generally, you write out everything less than 20.

It is = it’s, as in: “I work in a bar because it’s fun…”

The ending to chapter 1 is a good transition. It makes me want to read on. Also effective ending to chapter 2. Right on.

Incomplete sentence because there is no subject: “While thing what it could possibly be that she wanted.”

When Lane decides to run from the strange man, it would be nice to see him have a flashback to a past event that cemented his desire to flee from that situation. The flashback with Jonny jumping into the pool was effective.

The chase scene is really well done. One thing that would enhance it is to have Lane’s imagination run wild with worry over what would happen to him if he’s caught.

I don’t understand why Lane climbed into the car with the stranger. It goes against the personality trait he showed when he ran from the earlier strangers. Would he not assume that this man is with them and he’s trying to trick Lane? Either I’d have Lane recognize this guy as a family friend or have this guy incapacitate one of the pursuers to gain Lane’s trust.

I enjoyed this and I will place it on my shelf. Keep working on this and I could be something special. Also make sure you read other thriller authors and take notes on what they do well.

Good luck,

Brian Bandell
Mute