The Travellers

TRAVELLERS
This is an interesting story. I like the whole idea of time travel; this story ups that a notch by making Jayson’s reason for time travel is so he can kill his father and prevent his own birth. Jayson is a likable character from the start by the way his bones creak; his confusion over exactly when in time he has arrived makes him sympathetic. Ruthless (love her name) is a good contrast to him; much more willing to take risks. Overall, I think you’ve created an enjoyable sci-fi read. (a small thing: my spell checker insists the word travellers only has one L). Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Paul,
Science fiction is a difficult genre for writers reaching out to the endless universe to come back with something believable and entertaining. Certainly you've accomplished such a feat with "The Travellers" allowing the reader to cavort with Jaysan across the length and breadth of your imagination. You have a penchant for elaborate, lengthy narrative interspersed with sparse dialogue, a winning formula given your delightful word choices. Thank you for the captivating read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Paul, I have read your recent chapters and like what you are doing with the aliens. I don't know how far into the book Chapter 17 and 18 are, but can you introduce the aliens earlier in the book and what their purpose is? You mention them in some spots, but not to this detail. Maybe go into an alternate timeline where Jaysan deals with them.

TRAVELLERS
This is an interesting story. I like the whole idea of time travel; this story ups that a notch by making Jayson’s reason for time travel is so he can kill his father and prevent his own birth. Jayson is a likable character from the start by the way his bones creak; his confusion over exactly when in time he has arrived makes him sympathetic. Ruthless (love her name) is a good contrast to him; much more willing to take risks. Overall, I think you’ve created an enjoyable sci-fi read. (a small thing: my spell checker insists the word travellers only has one L). Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Paul,
Science fiction is a difficult genre for writers reaching out to the endless universe to come back with something believable and entertaining. Certainly you've accomplished such a feat with "The Travellers" allowing the reader to cavort with Jaysan across the length and breadth of your imagination. You have a penchant for elaborate, lengthy narrative interspersed with sparse dialogue, a winning formula given your delightful word choices. Thank you for the captivating read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Paul, I hope you can update this book soon and add more chapters.

Still working on it, real life got in the way. Will update soon. Thanks for your continued support.

Paul, I hope you can update this book soon and add more chapters.

SF 42 review

The story is great and, given the subject of my book, one I have thought a bit about. You build the suspense well and explain the situation enough so as the reader is adequately filled in to the technology behind the scenes. My main concern would be with pacing and the mix of “telling,” “showing,” and dialogue. I sometimes felt a bit overwhelmed with large paragraphs and slightly bulky sentences. This is the hardest thing to get right in the opening chapters (I suffer from the same problem) as the reader has to have the stage set before the story can really take off – this is doubly true for “time” novels where the reader also has to get used to or educated into a way of looking at things so that they don’t just give up on the plot twists. It is hard to edit out or par down sections that stand alone as good writing and are well crafted in themselves but in the first couple of chapters you may have to do a bit. After that, the pace picks up and the novel progresses well. You have a few quirks with grammar, how you handle dialogue (technically not content) and some flipping of POV that may need addressing but a very enjoyable read and highly stared.
You may want to consider joining the SF forum as they provide very good reviews and assistance:
http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/87439/sci-fi-critique-group-2-0-sf42/

Below are some perhaps pedantic points for the 1st 2 chapters (where the editor’s axe falls). I am not an editor so may have missed things or be wrong about the points here – in the end they are just observations and I hope they help.
Chap1
- 76 years || seventy six years (generally type out numbers)
- Jayson7s words || Jayson’s words
- …looked to an old pub || …looked toward/at/ an
- …fixated on different faces ||fixed on
Chap 2
- ..more like a hall than a hallway full of grandeur… || ..more like a hall than a hallway with its grandeur… (“than a hallway full of grandeur” = one phrase describing the “hall” if not broken up)
- …and physical condition he ended up… ||…and physical condition, he ended up…
- …brighten then mood… || the mood
- While white walls…. || this sentence can’t start with “While” unless something happens while the primary clause is happening or is contrasted to it.
- “fixated” = a frame of mind where someone can’t stop thinking about something, not a way of looking at things. Maybe use : Jayson’s eyes were held by the globe…
- …13 weeks was not just || the thirteen weeks were not just
- As Jason watched a man approached… || As Jason watched, a man approached...
- …no surprises until that is the deep… || …no surprises until, that is, the deep…


A Fatal Misuse of time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.
(Not a time travel novel really, more a mystery/philosophy comedy :-)

Finished through chapter 17. Very good so far. I hope you add more soon.

great changes. Everything flows well and is a very interesting story. Incredibly ominous, i know it made me keep wanting to read! Highly starred.

Joe,
The Hooligans Of Kandahar

Good transition change you made in Chapter 7 from the previous. I am going to have to reread that rest.

Everything goes very well in chapter one, and I like it. When Ruth arrives, the point of view shifts to be Jayson’s. He, “cringes at what he saw before him”. “This woman oozed confidence” “She said it as though she meant it.” All this is Jayson’s observation, which is very good.

It would be fun to try looking at the opening from the same point of view. Jayson’s. So instead of looking up to the sky to see Jayson arrive, it’s described as he sees it, looking down. What’s it really like to drop out of the sky like that? That’s what I was asking. Then when Ruth arrives, I’d get that consistency of Jayson’s point of view. It’s just a thought.

I can see you’re having great fun writing The Travellers, and it’s a seriously brilliant achievement. You’re really onto something with it, and I’ll watch it very closely indeed. Well done and good luck.

TRAVELERS
This is an interesting story. Jayson is a mysterious character; back from the future to save the world. Ruth is a second good character; I liked her attitude when she rescued him; a no-nonsense gal. Overall, the story has an ominous tone about it (the world will end if Jayson can’t save it) that made me keep reading. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Just finished all eleven chapters that you have uploaded and found this to be a very interesting story. You may want to make it clear who shot who in chapter 11, but I would have no problem getting this book in a store. Best of luck to you and I will be keeping this book on my shelf for a while.

I have read through chapter 7 and love this book. You have a very good Time Travel novel here. I do have one main observation: There seems to be too big of a jump between chapter 6 and 7. There seems to be a need of a filler chapter. What would cause them to go from participation in the program to trying to blow up everything? Jaysan is chalking up questions about Daddy and Ruth, but this seems all of a sudden in Chapter 7. I would add another chapter that at least covers the jump and the sudden suspicions.
I will keep reading. I like to see the complete book but oh well.

Crit it forward review – to use or not. (Sorry it took me so long.)
I am not a great fan of science fiction but as promised I read the first part of this story. I learned a few things. I buckled in for a journey that took me on quite a ride past this world into the next. Good, enjoyable plot.

Just a couple of things. I noticed a few run on sentences in the beginning that could do with a couple of breaks. This helps to build suspense.

I also noticed you respond to those who leave comments by replying here. Few of us ever return to check on comments after we have left one. So it’s possible that others have not seen the nice responses you have left for them and may feel bad that you never acknowledged their input. If you want to send a thank you – click on the “send message” link through their profile.

You have talent and with some good editing and polishing, this could go far. As you make friends here you will find there are some wonderful people on the site who take the time to go line by line and offer tips and suggestions.

Best to you

jennifer

Dear Paul,

Here’s my review of ‘The Travellers’.
But please remember that I’m quite a novice myself and these suggestions are entirely subjective.
So you must take them on board only if they’re relevant. Your story’s got great potential, but more on that later.

First things first,

Small change and rearrangement in the short pitch:

‘The laws of time have been broken. Parallel worlds have crossed paths.
Jaysan is the paradox. Can he traverse time and space to save his world ?’

If you say that time has been destroyed, then it doesn’t make much sense for Jaysan to traverse time, right ? ;-)

The long pitch needs some work. Once again, there is the same contradiction regarding time that needs to be corrected. Jaysan’s name has been misspelled. At this stage, you need not reveal why he travels to the past. ‘Without revealing the twists,’ sounds out of place too. Suggest you remove it. The rest is fine.

My alternative long pitch (only meant to demonstrate the extent of storyline to be revealed) :

‘Aliens have erased Earth’s past and in doing so, have almost destroyed time itself. Jaysan ponders his own existence as the only man left alive. Very soon, he becomes embroiled in a conspiracy of galactic proportions that breach the boundaries of space and time. In the face of an all out cosmic war, the fates of parallel worlds hang in the balance as Jaysan fights to save mankind from the chaos of timelessness.’

Main text:

Fantastic opening sequence ! Visual and gripping, it’s the perfect hook to grab the reader’s attention. Well done.
I’ve read the first two chapters and enjoyed them immensely. I feel compelled to come back for more, every once in a while.
You have conceived a completely original story that has elements to appeal to a wide range of readers. The fantastic settings also open up the possibility of a stunning cinematic adaptation. Well done, once again.

MY RATING: 6 STARS (for concept and storyline)

As far as the writing is concerned, there are quite a few stumbling blocks that make reading a bit cumbersome. But I wont point them out because I’m not qualified enough to give you the right directions. Consider it my humble request that you seek the help of a freelance editor to refine and perfect your MS.
It certainly deserves it, my friend.

Best regards,
AGC

Hi Paul

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

You have a strong plot and your writing style builds up nicely. It has some nice surprises. Jaysan is a good character and I'm interested to find out why he, at his age, was chosen to go back in time.

Too many grammatical errors and typos are holding this novel back. Don't let them stop you from getting published.

Typo: “The heat from the sun had made the path TOO hot.”

Use possessive punctuation, ie: “Jaysan’s ears,” “Jaysan’s father.,” “Daddies’ arm.”

Typo: “…always had people SITTING outside on a hot summer’s day.”

You are = you’re: “you’re 76 years old…”

If Jaysan is from the future why would he not recognize a motorcycle?

Don’t capitalize the name of colors, like black.

Typo: “not just physical training but MENTAL as well.”

Typo: “knew each other from way back and WERE good friends.”

Typo: “in a bear hug bigger THAN his stature.”

I enjoyed reading it and I will back it. Be sure to edit carefully.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Thanks for the feedback, My grammar is poor, still swamped in the story and plot at the moment but will address. Jaysan is from the future and to explain his lack of knowledge may give a plot twist away ;) The biggest plot twist comes in the end. Would love to tell someone whats going on and see the OMG reaction to the story but to do so would give the game away. Once again thanks for the feedback and corrections. Appreciated.

You have a strong plot and your writing style builds up nicely. It has some nice surprises. Jaysan is a good character and I'm interested to find out why he, at his age, was chosen to go back in time.

Too many grammatical errors and typos are holding this novel back. Don't let them stop you from getting published.

Typo: “The heat from the sun had made the path TOO hot.”

Use possessive punctuation, ie: “Jaysan’s ears,” “Jaysan’s father.,” “Daddies’ arm.”

Typo: “…always had people SITTING outside on a hot summer’s day.”

You are = you’re: “you’re 76 years old…”

If Jaysan is from the future why would he not recognize a motorcycle?

Don’t capitalize the name of colors, like black.

Typo: “not just physical training but MENTAL as well.”

Typo: “knew each other from way back and WERE good friends.”

Typo: “in a bear hug bigger THAN his stature.”

I enjoyed reading it and I will back it. Be sure to edit carefully.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Dear Paul,

You really need to edit your pitches. I know this is a story about time travel, but you keep switching from present to past tense, and most people will just assume those are errors. Nobody will bother to look at a project in which the author cares so little about such an important area as the pitch.

Gordon Long

Your right, lazy pitch, Have re-written it but still not sure it does justice to the whole story.

Dear Paul,

You really need to edit your pitches. I know this is a story about time travel, but you keep switching from present to past tense, and most people will just assume those are errors. Nobody will bother to look at a project in which the author cares so little about such an important area as the pitch.

Gordon Long

Building blocks, I feel I've constructed a monster, no credit my way though you've done a superb job. You've got pace, rhyme and the suspensful story more than holds my interest. Good build up, exciting passages, more clarity and nice balance story wise. My trick in No Compatibility was to get the continuity wrong in the main dialogue and then spend the rest of the time correcting it as the story goes forward. (It prevents a sense of falseness that might be associated with the characterization of the people in the story. An easy trap to fall into!) Dialogue you've kept to a mininum which is good. However watch out that you don't fall into the other trap, you are keeping it to a mininum because you realise the importance of dialogue, especially in a character driven story, but haven't developed dialogue enough because it may be the weakest part of your writing. Don't make it obvious, don't make it look as though you are trying to shy away from it. That didn't come across much in what I've read so far. What I have read is great, but it is just a little light on the dialogue. The balance between action and words in a character driven story is as important as the plot, pace and rhyme. Remember plot, pace, rhyme and dialogue! Other than one unnecessary word I picked up on ie fundamentally in the beginning I think Anywhen reads fine. However I'm no editor or critic, nor have I even been published, so I would venture out into the authonomy site for more feedback.