The Devil Of Black Bayou

Hmm, I wonder why so many vampire books I have read involve Louisiana? It doesn't bother me, but it makes me wonder. First there was Anne Rice, of course, but have you read George R.R. Martin's 'Fevre Dream'? That's a pretty good one, and it flowed so well.

Anyway, you do have a poetic quality that works great in places, but you intertwine it with some spots that go too far, in my opinion. I had to reread certain spots to fully get your meaning. I think you could make it sing if you could trim ten percent out of your prose to make it lean and mean. I also recommend cutting out the exposition in this first chapter and dripping it in later, if it is truly needed.

My mind kept wondering about little technical things, such as -- would a ship last so long in a swampy area in Louisiana? Maybe it would. I'm no expert.

The big thing for me was that I couldn't tell if you were aiming at a YA audience or an adult one. Depending on which it is, I'd change some things about the plot to match the appropriate audience. I think it's adult that you are aiming for, but there are spots that feel like YA to me. It may just be me, though, since the whole 'first person' kick these days seems aimed at YA, while the best adult novels all seem to be close 3rd.

While the story is one that is inherently interesting to me, what keeps this from soaring for me is the lack of clarity both in plot and prose in places. Again this may be my own failing, as I love simplicity and straighforward stories (I've always hated stories with flashback sequences, for example, since I like linear simplicity)., and my personal preference is for straight, clean prose over literary. I think you have a good sized audience among the lovers of literary fiction, but I still think you can hone the prose down until it shines.

The devil of the black bayou:
Finally! An old-school vampire novels with nasty, coffin-toting, original undeads. Ironically, i've found going back to the original theme quite refreshing! Well done.
I've never been to Louisiana. I'm not sure your rather creepy, eerie description makes me want to go. The description matched the tone well, and I fully buy that if vampires were to live anywhere other than Transylvania, it would be in the Black Bayou.

Ok thoughts:
Fantastic opening poem. I really liked it. 
"If I have not influenced you through telekinesis then read on and satiate your curiosity"- I find this sentence loses confidence a bit, and steps out of character and into author. 
" I really have to concentrate to stay on the ground so levitating over rotten lumber and avoiding holes is as easy walking." - did you mean as easy as walking?
" I still have on the leathered pirate boots from my pirate era." - ok, just an opinion, but pirate twice in one sentence comes off a bit odd. Maybe just "leather boots from my pirate era." (but this is up to you!)
"If cicadas mated with a group of bats bat and whistling flying squirrels maybe they could mimic such a strange sound." - I think you have a double word there.
Ohhh... The feeding scene is deliciously horrible. I loved it.
"Damn the werewolves and damn the overly intuitive who I have had to build these back up safe havens!" - I think this sentence might be missing a word or two?
Oh... I wasn't expecting to literally meet Lucifer. That was fun. (well, for me. Not so much for Antoine)
Fascinating, miserable ending to the first chapter. Great last line, too.
I'm enjoying this. Highly starred, and I'll keep it on my WL for further reading.
Ellie

Dear Jeffrey, Your vampire genre is way out of my league, but I did like the poetic memoir which sets the tone for the rest of the chapter. I feel that it was rather gruesome. Somehow I would prefer to read about the vampire in the third person. I am trying to find empathy for Antoine and it seems an easier thing to do when he is a narrator, rather than the doer, but that is just an opinion.
Sometimes you tend to jump tenses which often happens quite easily when one uses present tense. Just some grammatical observations: "I have had to ... hide (not hid) in the very trees... " Also: "...man makes (not is make) the final decision..." Also: "Damn the werewolves ... whom or for whom (not who) I have had to build these ..."
I think the lack of plurals probably is just typos for example, hurricanes, inhabitants, centuries - you used plural verbs.
I nevertheless settled into the tale especially after his mother's funeral when he decides to find Barataria. Your description of the swamp and all its dangers is quite vivid. So too the beautiful area of Barataria.
I applaud you for the sheer genius of changing scenes from the riling vampire attack on an innocent victim, to his encounter with Lucifer and then bringing this whole bloody affair to a culmination; finally we know why he "suffers" the way he does. He is taken back into his past, by the catalyst and so it seems as if he is doomed to continue his bloody attacks forever - truly remaining a creature of Satan. I hope that with your vivid imagination, you are going to make him come out of his hellish prison - let him wake up from a dream or something.
Anyway lots of success and kindest regards. For effort, imagination and scare tactics - high stars!!!
Maretha African Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends

Jeffrey, I an intrigued by the slight twist on the vampire myth by using a pirate character as the vampire, very cool indeed. There are some things I noticed in the first chapter that may warrant your attention, Where you are describing the initial attack on Trevalier, you say "Trevalier heart beat faster.." or something close to that (The computer won't let me cut and past for obvious reasons), I think it should be possessive, i.e., Trevalier's heart beat...

Later on there is a sentence that states "I had prior to the attack planned...," "prior to the attack" should be set off with commas so that it reads better, "I had, prior to the attack, planned..."

In one other paragraph a typo with a double "I".

I really like the concept and the story so far. I have watchlisted it. Four stars for now, with more to most likely come the further I get into the book.

I hope you are doing well and I hope to keep reading your stuff.

Chris

Jeffery
U give this story a voice at the beginning of the story with the eerie description of the wind and moss even right down to the insects. I had the central air unit on and just by u describing the wind i got goose bumps ! :) In my opinion this story have all the element of a great horror story. :) I knew it had to be great just by the title itself. I had to give it six stars. Just grreat ! :)

Certainly an eerie and scary start to a story. You have set the scene well and I can imagine all the things your describe. I like your voice and you use some wonderful phrases. Your characters inner conflicts make me want to read more
One point - you change tenses in the middle of sentences sometimes
If you are writing in the past tense you need to use creaked, was, reminded etc... and if in the present -creaks, reminds, is.
Best of luck with this
Kirstie

The Devil of Black Bayou
Jeffrey LeBlanc

I enjoyed your story. You build your main protagonist well and we quickly get the sense that he is not simply a one dimensional character.
I made some notes while reading:
Prologue

Interesting start with the poem.

Chapter 1 - I never believed in monsters

'darkest' repeated twice in firt paragraph. I think would benefit from using a synonym for one of these.
You describe the movement of both the grasses and the boat as 'twisting and creaking'. This feels a bit repetitive.
'...still lived on these waterways, raised their children on these waterways...' (...raised their children on them...)
'In the distance and at the apex of my flight I see a couple...' (In the distance, and at the apex of my flight, I see a couple...)
You use numbers as opposed to writing it out (e.g. 12 instead of twelve), IMO it is better to write it out.
In the paragraph starting, 'Jordan Trevalier for now....' you use the name 'Jordan several times. It feels repetitive. Try to change some of them for he/him/his etc.
Build the suspense well while on his hunt.


All the best with this.
Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance

Poem, travel, mexico. Jordans eexperience.

The sea and its momentum.

moonlight, isle of trees beaches.

A fotgotten ship. love and woman.
Foreign soil, blood.
Interesting book. well written.

Vampires tend to give me nightmares, so I'm not an expert on the genre at all. I like the concept of a vampire with regrets who has given his human soul to try to save someone else; the concept of sorrow mixed with the horror and blood lust. Your prose is very professional, nothing jarred at all, and the setting is well developed. A superior vampire tale with depth and style should be very popular I'd say. High stars.

The Devil of The Black Bayou

Wow I really love this.
I was first intrigued when I read the pitch. I'm not always one for vampire stories. They have to have that 'something' to entice me in. Well this one certainly has that 'something'.
I love the poem you begin with. I dont know what it is, but a poem always adds an atmosphere to a book if its done well - and this one is perfect.
The writng style is perfect. It flows beautifully and I see no fault.
The story is just as intriguing as the pitch and I was hooked straight away. What a page-turner!
However I did think the first chapter might be a little too long. Could a goog part of it be added to the prologue?
There were a number of edits. They coukld be easily rectified.I have written a few below;
First chapter;
Nature - nature
I hear the moist crack- you have written two I's
The paragraph beginning 'JordanTrevalier... You begin three sentances in the same paragraph with Jordan, then the next paragraph with Jordan too. It sounds a little repetitive.
There were a few apostrophes the wrong way around further on in the chapter and the odd comma instead of a full stop after speech. Other than that I think it was pretty sound. Hope this helps.
Great book Highly starred
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star.

Great writing. I can find no faults in the prose and the story is very interesting. I can see the Louisianna setting appealing to many in this genre. A vampire with regrets and an insatiable hunger is an impressive driving force in your novel.

Well done.

Okay -
LSU Tiger here with parents raised in Bush. Weaned on Jean LaFitte and Ann Rice. I'd love to give you a meaningful crit, but that's extraordinarily difficult in the authonomy format. I've been suggesting Critique Circle to everyone whose novels I'm asked to read, basically because it difficult for me to sink into a novel when I want to edit. Please consider CC and ask for me by name - Kathryn.

Anyway, LOVE your concept. I read about halfway through and felt like it slowed your pace to go over the attack from two different points of view. Also wondered if a hungry vampire would waste blood by ripping apart the blood bag. There were a lot of things I liked, but I think some of the vampire info. is so well known that you can probably trim the generic stuff.

I think your writing is good overall.

Kathryn

I am not an expert on vampire stories, so I am not sure how useful my feedback will be. My first impression as I read the prologue is that the writing is vivid, imaginative and evocative, drawing the reader into a different world. Moving on to chapter 1, the first two sentences are a great opening to the story, but I found, in the following paragraph, the words 'chirp' of the bird and 'quack' of a duck jar a bit. Maybe the writer intended to take the reader off guard and throw something unexpected. As I continued to read, Antoine's voice comes across starkly and directly e.g. 'I am a vampire ... I feed on you and your kind.' He continues to draw closer to the reader as if he knows what he/she might be thinking e.g. 'Don't pity them or me for taking your life'. I am not sure if it is necessary to write in capitals the noises before the killing of Jordan as the reader can conjure the scene by the writer's evocative descriptions and does not need - WHISTLE TWEET RASP. But then again, I am by no means an expert on vampire stories. Despite the fact that it is not a genre I am familiar with, I can appreciate the skillful writing of the author and have starred the book highly.

Maria (Georgina's Family)

Chapter 1---
I liked the general flow and detail of the chapter. I think Louisiana is a great setting for a pirate/vampire book. The setting feels good, musty and dank like something old and dead. Good stuff. There is something slightly old fashioned and mysterious about the creole in the swamps and bayous back there.

Having been back to Louisiana last year, a couple of good details could strengthen the piece. The man watching his tv and munching ruffles... make it Zapps potato chips. A regional brand that the locals swear by. Also, you could add details about the area being in a post Katrina fugue... a mix of large katrina checks used to update swamp coolers and docks nestled up close to the swamps, how they have bird houses mounted high to reduce the overwhelming amounts of mosquitos... set the old mans house out in the swamp on one of the canals cut by creole settlers, the old french and spanish settlers with mixed blood that dug out the shortcuts to make a more direct path to the closets catholic parish.... mention of the area by Parish might bring in more local flair, since Louisiana is the only state in the union who divides itself by parish rather than county. Also, yes every vampire must have a coffin, I admit, but might be a better detail to mention the cities of the dead in that area, how coffins float to the surface because of the high water table... might even be a good plot device later on.

Good and entertaining read. Think I'll keep on going!

Devil of the Black Bayou

Another atmospheric chapter, with plenty of grim suffering and vivid descriptions. Antoine’s mother’s death and then his own illness and journey are particularly horrible.

Ch 2 (Part one)

“Repetition that is all” Could do with a comma after the first word. And in the next sentence - comma needed after Antoine and another before “my love.”

“a few bad apples.” Bit of a cliché, but that doesn’t have to be a problem. I guess I’d like to see something fresher, though.

“The person who’s spirit..” This should be “The person whose spirit..”

In the para starting “Marie” you have “back then” twice. It might be a style choice but possibly it reads a bit clumsy.

“of the loved they shared.” Should be love.

“His passing as your mother’s” I don’t think she is dead yet - she attends the funeral.

Heartbeats is one word.

“And why now am I hearing them now?” Just a typo, too many “now”s.

“that had wrote it” Should be either “that wrote it.” or “that had written it.”

“Yes my dad…” Needs a comma after yes.

I can review your chapters better in parts, since they are very long. Can I suggest again that you consider splitting them up? I’ve enjoyed this look back at how Antoine’s life started and presumably I will later find out how he became a vampire. Good stuff!

Lucy

From the 'romance' tag, i was very suprised by what i read. A lot darker and more adult than i anticipated, which as far as i'm concerned is a pleasant suprise.
It's a very long time since i read Ann Rice, but that's who i thought of straight away. I dont know if that's an accurate assessment in your mind.
I thought your chapters were maybe a little bit long though, particulaurly chapter 1, though that could be due in part to the prologue being attached to it.
High stars.

This is written with the most beautiful melancholy - evil in all its sadness - and I think it is extremely clever. The very first paragraph - just a touch corny perhaps - but so deliciously gripping. How could anyone fail to read on? There are one or two tiny distractions (gilden IN silver surely?) and the odd extraneous adjective perhaps - but on the whole I found the style expert, the atmosphere marvellous, the storyline compelling, and the idea thoroughly entertaining. Highly starred and on my watchlist.

Jeffrey!!!
you hailed me as your brother from a different mother, and we sound indeed likned by something, don't we? :-) A bit unfair to say, maybe, but it was very easy to me to love your skin-and-bone-hatchet-groomed style, in that (forgive me if I'm wrong) I heard some bits of my voice....and of course this is an honour to me!!
so, what can I say, mate? the pace, the atmosphere, the onomatopoeias (for which I myself have been negatively criticized by somebody) the italics incidental descriptions in third person...I loved it all...and then, of course, Antoine's talk with Lucifer.....something not seen, but almost 'felt' in the dark, as it surely has to be.....
six stars and unconditional backing, mate....and I'll definitely go on with my read asap.
cheers,

tony colina / OF RUST AND RAIN

The Devil of The Black Bayou

Prolgoue re-visited - I’ve picked up where I left off with the detailed feedback.

I like “from some place where love shines on even after death.” I don’t know the music, but I guess it doesn’t matter.

“I want no trouble me.” Does this need a comma before me? I don’t know. This dialect makes me think of TV’s True Blood (set in Louisiana). I’m not familiar with it, but I reckon it needs a comma.

I’d like to agree with your other reviewer who suggested that the sound effects in capital letters aren’t the most effective way of putting across sound.

“Blood contaminated with fear..” I like this a lot too, although I wouldn’t put the word “contaminated” with something I then go on to compare with fine vintage wine. Seems to mix metaphors a bit.

“hot blond” needs an ‘e’ on the end, assuming it’s about a woman.

If it were me, I’d be tempted to pick between the devil and Lucifer and only use one.

After someone addresses someone by name in dialogue, a comma is required. Something I forget plenty of times!

“but man is makes…” Just a typo - an extra “is”.

“the moonlight grasslands.” You might have meant this as “moonlit”, although I like it the way it is.

Do vampires have covens? Traditionally, don’t they have nests?

“comfort of our fist hug.” A typo - should be first, I think.

There are plenty of readers who will be delighted with a vampire book, and I’m one of them. Again, I’ve enjoyed the atmosphere and the feeling in your Prologue. My main criticism is that some of the information is given in a sort of sterile way, and doesn’t quite fit in.
For example, when Antoine is suffering at the hands of the Devil and is in great pain, he is still able to narrate the paragraph starting “To a vampire of my species…” Or is this being told at some point in the future?
On re-read, I must take back my comment about the re-telling of the attack. Why not tell it twice, from a slightly different POV? No reason. I should be more careful not to criticise something just because I didn’t expect it. Looking forward to more surprises.

Lucy

Dark and chilling story.
It is far from what I imagined this would be.
Your writing flows well with perfect chilling development.
Good work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

I have tried several times to post a comment and even that, along with chapters for some weird reason I am unable to do so tonight so, I hope this gets through.
I am fascinated with your original story here, love the telekenesis, and am excited to read more, love the prologue by the way too. I will be back to read more, and thanks;)
Saera
The Wizard Of Crescent Keep

In return for the comments on my book.

This is a very well written story, as far as I have read, Jeffrey. The poem at the beginning is excellent. There are a few minor punctuation violations, but I barely even noticed them.

There is one thing you might look at. On occasion you use words that seem out of place with your style of writing. The one that springs to mind is the use of the word 'quack', which jarred me out of the narrative.

Other than that, it is very smooth read and you are pulled right into the story. I felt as if I were there. It is just the right style for this type of novel, I think.

The Devil of Black Bayou

I hope you don’t mind me being quite specific. Ignore what you don’t agree with. I like a good vampire story and yours is original, violent and well-described.

I like your short pitch, “bathed in blood and tragedy” is rather nice. I don’t like “maelstrom”.
Some parts of the long pitch are very strong, particularly “in this pirate’s collection of treasure” and the vampire puns at the end.
I think there could be less detail in the rest of it. I don’t know what “socially explores” means. I don’t like “juxtaposition.”

Prologue

It’s very long, and I won’t comment in detail on all of it. I think it would be better split up.

How does the quack of a duck remind anyone of danger?

I like the way you use the progression of the wind as a way to describe the environment.

I love the idea that vampire telepathy is going to make me read on. Get that in your pitch! Telekinesis means moving things with the mind. I don’t think it is the right word here.

“..the bulk shark or great white..” I understand the simile but why would these creatures live in a watery grave? It’s our grave, not theirs.

“needed item” seems a bit clumsy. Also, an item can’t be dire in the same way as an illness. The need for it is what might be dire.

“I likened the effects…” I don’t think this is the correct tense. When did he liken?

“is as easy walking.” Should there be another “as” here? I think it might be a typo.

“coarse with the smell of my last meal.” Yuck. Very good, though.

“Contrary to beliefs…” This paragraph gives your ‘vampire rules’ in a bit of a bland way. It distracts from the action. It would be better if you wove these into the story. You do so well in other places.

“transfixed on scratching..” This is a great sentence. You’ve got some wonderful turns of phrase here, far more than I’m going to quote back at you.

Bloodshed is one word.

“Quotes” is a verb, it isn’t short for quotation. It should be “Quotations that I read were…”

I was confused by the re-telling of the attack. I like the original setting of the story and the blending of vampire and pirate. Some of it needs tightening up a bit but otherwise it’s atmospheric and horribly read-able.

Lucy

The Devil Of Black Bayou is a unique vampire tale told in first person. It’s interesting because unlike the other vampire stories I’ve read, there is no mistaking that Antoine Valterre is evil. Yet, he justifies his actions and rationalizes his behavior to the reader. In a way, it’s an interesting study in being inside the mind of a madman, someone who does evil acts but truly believes that it’s no big deal, and that he has valid reasons for what he does. I think readers will grudgingly like the main character, though probably feel bad about it.

The other interesting thing is that the main character knows he is writing in a book, and seems to know that readers are reading. This is a lot different from having a narrator tell a story. Instead, here all the descriptions and scenes are set by the main character, and tainted by his unique world view. This makes for a different experience than in most books. Think of it like Interview With A Vampire, but with the vampire speaking directly to each reader.

Beyond the setup, the writing is very good, with lots of descriptive language so that you can smell the rotting vegetation as our “hero” drifts across the bayou to feed, or through time to bring us his perverse memories of the past.

Author Jeffrey LeBlanc has added a unique take to the vampire genre and I believe many people will enjoy this tale once published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

THE DEVIL OF BLACK BAYOU
Few things are better than a good pirate story which makes this one exceptionally good because it’s about a vampire pirate. I like the way Antoine begins this by explaining “vampire rules” and how he got into this situation. It’s not only a good way to introduce him but to give some hints of how destructive this man can be. Overall, there’s a subtle threatening tone to this I like as well (you don’t say it’s going to be scary; the tone does all that for you). Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Jeffrey,
I really like the way you are starting this off, but I think you have to be much more careful. The tone is great, but you have some sloppiness in the writing which I think will turn some readers away. I took the liberty of making some suggestions. This is just a little bit. I am a bit short for time these days. 
I hope you are not disappointed- I realise that there is a fun story lurking underneath, but you will need the first few paragraphs to be really tight to grab your readers.

That was until I became one.
I recommend you just say "Until I became one."

A cool wind ripped from the Gulf of Mexico...

This line bothers me. First, cool is a soft word and rip is a very strong one. Also, "ripped from...to" seems an odd use of the verb. 
I would suggest a) a stronger adjective, i.e. "frigid" or "unwelcoming"  and changing "from" to through", so, something like

A frigid wind blew from the Gulf of Mexico and ripped through the oceans of marsh grasses that blanket the coastal estuaries of Louisiana.

The crickets and grasshoppers with their cousins the cockroach and marine worm 
Should be "cockroaches and marine worms" in order to concord. 

The occasional chirp of a distant bird or quack of a duck reminds
The wind danced through the grasses and waterways guided by the changes
The wind has become a force bordering on hurricane velocity.
You need to pick  a tense, past or present.
Also, that last line bothers me a bit. A force and a velocity are different things, so I would suggest separating with a comma, like "The wind blew forcefully, its gusts bordering on hurricane velocity."

The marine mammals swimming near the waterway tremble and shake on adjacent ground made of vines, waterlillies, and wood logs to escape the wind now.
What? Are they swimming or are they on the adjacent ground?

Down below, in where I once stored slaves and contraband,
You do not need the "in"

gilded of silver now long since tarnished
Here, I think it should be "gilded in silver..."

More later.
Hope this helps,
Best,
Maeve

I have read the first chapter. I have to say this is not the type of read that normally attracts me, but I'm willing to give anything a go! Your writing produces very vivid descriptions that evoke the atmosphere and mood of the story.
It's an interesting read and one that will certainly attract those who like books about vampires. I personally found the chapter a little long and although you write beautifully I think you could cut out some of the first paragraphs. I was also somewhat confused by the descriptions of the attack on the man. I think one description would suffice.
One other minor point I think you can afford to delete the sound effects - Whistle Tweet Rasp - and the others. You go on to describe what's happening so these aren't required.
All in all, it's well written and with a few more edits, you could make it even better.
These are just my opinions so please feel free to ignore, if it suits!
All the best with your writing.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Hi Jeffrey,
I'm a big fan of JLB - something we share - and at first your description of Black Bayou had me thinking I was reading him. However, I have to say that you lost me somewhere between there and the attack. Chapter one I believe would benefit from a serious edit, even deleting whole paragraphs, maybe splitting it into two chapters. This would improve the pace, move the story along, which is what the genre (thriller) demands.
I will come back to it and read more.
Camac

Dear Jeffrey / Lord Greystoke, :-)

I checked out THE DEVIL OF BLACK BAYOU again and liked it so much better this time. Looks like you’ve edited a lot of stuff and made it tighter, reads much better now. But, I’d still suggest that you review that part where Antoine ‘explains’ how his physical transformations tire him out. Do we really need to know this at this point? Maybe, you can simply ‘show’ us later on. I really liked the part where he attacks the old man. What’s a vampire novel without some horror, eh? Remove the brackets, btw. The ‘deal with the devil’ angle is great. And what do I hear, a werewolf? I’ll read on for sure and try to find this a place on my shelf soon.

Best regards,
AGC

Impressive writing are you sure you're not a professional writer. Seems a bit one sided on the authonomy scale with that epic journey through the marsh in chapter two. Nothing like the journey to the desk, which ' The Devil Of Black Bayou' should attain. Thats assuming justice prevails with good judgement and not egos. Sumptuous writing and dialogue, excellent prose, truly intimidating when considering the subject matter. An authonomy site swamped with vampire stories of various quality. But good and evil seem to be shunned in this story of disease, smuggling, swamps and aligators. The detail never ends, shrubs insects trees, a Goliath of description which I can only ask one question, do the mechanics of it work. I was beginning to have doubts in chapter two, until some characters in human form materalised the dialogue was sweet punchy and perfect, a all round outstanding work. I'd give you a backing but my backing gizmo doesn't work.

Six stars seems an insult but thats all the range I have with my musket.

Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

I don't generally read stories involving vampires, and have not read through any since Anne Rice, but I must say I will make an exception herein. This writing is quite fabulous. The atmosphere is immediate and striking. The sense of character compelling. The story captivating. I will keep reading.

I read chapters 3 and 4. I love the dark storytelling. It's funny that he's a reluntant vampire. Quite an interesting character.

The order of the stories can be a bit confusing, as there is a lot of jumping back and forth to different time lines. You might try to use chapters or dividing marks within chapters.

This sentence doesn't sound right: "Life bleed in these coulded waters as is witnessed by glowing worms mov lithely through the current."

Typo: "Marie hears it TOO but must..."

Foresight is one word, not two.

Typo: "How you know OUR names?"

I could see this getting published if you make a few improvements here and there.

Brian

Hi Jeffrey,

Just read the first chapter of The Devil of Black Bayou. My favorite parts were probably when Antoine and Satan have a conversation. The only (minor) problem I had with this is that in the beginning, the description of the wind and everything is nearly endless. I just wanted to get cracking with the story, I suppose. Same thing with the attack of Jordan- it was fine until it was replayed in Antoine's POV. I think one or the other would suffice, because it was a very long passage.

I do like how you've brought us back to the old-fashioned vampire. I don't think it's been done (well) in awhile.

Small typo at the end of chapter 1, "and always the warmth and comfort of our fist hug" FIRST.

Comparing blood to terabytes and hard drives and such is pretty cool, really made me wonder about the species of vampire you've created here.

Thanks for introducing me to your work, and I hope you do well with this. I think sadly, a lot of people on authonomy are vampire haters. :(

Melissa

Jeffrey,
"The Devil of Black Bayou" is hauntingly beautiful with its measured cadence and seductive musings as the poignant tale of a pirate captain turned vampire, unfolds. The backstory of Antoine as a sea captain seeking a bit of happiness with his pregant wife until rogue pirates turn their dream into a nightmare, carries an anguish that resonates throughout his existence as a fanged creature preying on men. Your narrative packs a punch through powerrful descriptives and an unafffected writing style. Thank you so much for the intriguing read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Chapter One

The poem is amazing! The only suggestion I would make would be to change the word "waves" to "locks" regarding Spanish moss.

Besides the opening chapter being incredibly long, there were only a few things that gave me pause.

Duck and danger felt awkward in the same sentence.

I didn't understand the word THAT in caps in reference to the pirate. Unless you plan for only Louisiana residents to read your book, don't assume your reader knows anything about Louisiana's marine history/legends.

Love the title of chapter one.

Your ability to create scenery is admirable though sometimes becomes laborious.

I am enjoying your more scientific take on vampires, though, I must admit-- had I known this were a vampire tale, I probably would not have ventured into the swamp.

The pirate connection is, by far, the most interesting part of the concept. Play that up!

Highly starred. ;-)

{The Devil Of Black Bayou}

Jeffrey,

A vampire on the ocean's waves... now we're talking! :) Both of your pitches were well done, enticing me into your work, and I'm loving your descriptive nature and strong story telling as I read! You have a well put together and thought out first chapter here and I'm looking forward to reading onward soon! I'm also really enjoying Antione as a character and the opportunity to witness this awsome world!

Have a fantastic day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. 6 stars gladly given and you'll be on my watchlist so that I can return soon for more!

Love the poetic start. The first 2 lines are a real draw in. The story moves well and the descriptives arensensational. Antoine's narrative is brilliantly done and ddescribed. Very good read rated high.
Christian

Jeffrey,

This is quite good. There are a few areas that would benefit from a good edit, but in the main you write extremely well and your character is fascinating. The addition of the werewolves and Satan are both interesting twists. I could suggest switches of some of the scenes to draw us in even more (mainly getting his vampiric state out ahead of the marsh description) and perhaps make the opening three or four different chapters, but it kept me reading with interest!

It was Twilight that started my interest in vampire. But the interest died till I read your book.

good stuff

Whoo, this is rather scary stuff. I am enjoying it! I don't usually read vampire stories, but I like the dark, classic pproach you've chosen, with the coffin and the lone hunter hundreds of years old. The setting is great -- love the swamp and the old ship and the remote camp.

I think you could break this into shorter chapters -- it leaves me sort of breathless to read this much without a chapter break. But you do a great job of building tension from the highly descriptive beginning to the point of the attack. You sort of tell the attack story twice, once from the old man's POV then from the vampire's. This slowed down your narrative a bit (and it was about that time I noticed the length of the first chapter). You could break it up a little more and quicken the pace just a bit, but don't lose that atmosphere! It's wonderful. I will read more. Good job and good luck.

Elizabeth

Dear Jeffrey, I have found much pleasure reading your tale and I want you to know that I find it a very smart one. It gives us a main character whom we can really feel struggle. You have a lot of patience and rest. This was a good night for me because I read through it and enjoyed it much. Thanks for being able to approach me with it. I have written many books, and have many more to come. I wish that it wasn't so difficult, but the effort made is rewarding in the end. To write is a blessing and a curse, and you have made it seem as if your own writing and style was without much strain. I hope that my writing does not kill me doing it. Also, the quote your character wondered whether was from Whitman or Frost was from Frost, I couldn't tell if you knew this. Furthermore, if you do get the chance to read one of my books here on Authonomy, I hope that it is "Spaceflight" because I think that you will like it the best. Keep up the good work.

Billy McBride ("Spaceflight")

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that your nosferatu won't sparkle. i like that you went back to the dark, classic version of creatures that have become so mainstream. Starting with the original poem was a great touch. You do a really nice job of painting the scene for the reader using all the senses. There were a few tense changes in the opening paragraphs were you switch from present to past. Other than that, I think you've found a voice that Anne Rice and Laurell K. Hamilton would be proud of!

Eden

Jeffrey,
I've read the first two chapters (theyr'e really long). I love this book. It grips the reader from the very first line. Dark, creepy, moody, but at the same time poetic. You're a master at description and voice. You've given us a very complex character and I want to know more about him. I'll come back to read more when I have time. Great book. Highly starred.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Hey,

I read the first chapter..wow...very impressive. Your writing style is definitely in tune with the character's voice.
The dark anti hero is always a good read. I am intrigued so I will continue reading, it is a compelling vampire story.
--Syrus

The Devil of Black Bayou.
Jeffrey LeBlanc.

Your story is rich in description, something I find very enjoyable.
You are also a poet by nature and it comes over throughout the book.
‘Memoir of a Lonely Ghost’ in the prologue sets the scene for your story—it’s a great poem!
I’m not a lover of vampire books but this is an exception, told from the vampire’s point of view, this makes for a very good read.
The vivid scenes of the waterways and marshes entice the reader to get deeply involved in the story at an early stage. You have all their concentration at your disposal and the gory details later re-enforce the need to read on.
You are certainly a good writer; this is one of the better vampire books I’ve seen and there’s a lot out there.
I wish you the best with it and have rated it accordingly. Well done!

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Hi Jeffrey,
I’m here for our read swap. Below are my comments/findings. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth. Feel free to disregard what you don’t agree with.
For clarity, add a comma after “privateer” and then again after “tragedy” in your short pitch.
I love the short pitch and the first line of the long pitch, but the beginning of the next paragraph is a little weak. “tells you” is a bit hackneyed and trite. Plus, it reads more like a synopsis here than a pitch. Just something to consider. Also, what’s his “creation?” That’s kind of vague and confusing.
“horrific cursed monster” is a clunky sequence of words. I’d drop “horrific,” personally.
I think the premise is awesome, but I think the pitches try too hard to be honest—like you’re trying to swat a fly with a jack hammer. Just something to think about.
Prologue
I like the poem. It’s chilling and sets the tone well.
Chapter 1
By darkest parts of the night, do you mean darkest times of night, or darkest places in the night, like the woods or something?
Maybe drop darkest in darkest hours as you use darkest in the previous sentence. Not sure the repetition technique works well here.
Otherwise, I love the opening. A good hook.
Watch your tense consistencies. “ripped” is past tense. “blanket” as a verb is present. Keep it consistent.
Does grass twist and creak? I don’t see it.
“ancient soldier’s battling Nature’s constant antagonist” Kind of confusing imagery.
“lie the inhabitants” Remember tense consistency.
Wonderful job painting the picture of layers of life on and within the water.
Some of the imagery is fantastic, but like the pitch, some is overdone. Be mindful of what works and what doesn’t. Ask yourself, is this just something I like having in there and might just be a nice thing to have, or does it help move the story forward? If you can objectively answer that, you’ll have a tighter story with stronger imagery.
Since we’re on the subject about imagery, be mindful of repeated words. I’ve noticed some similar imagery used throughout. Might think to change it up a bit.
The bottom line is that you have a knack for creating tension. That’s really the greatest strength of this. I’m there, and even the lines that might need slight polish still do the job of painting a vivid scene. This is a wonderful atmosphere you’ve created and I think it will set the tone for the rest of the work.
A great read. Highly starred and I’ll recommend this to folks.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

You, sir are an excellent storyteller. Not many vampire stories tie in the Satan's minions thing, but I love how you did it, showing us that Antoine is one of Satan's creatures. I look forward to reading the rest and will definitely back the book.

Dear JL,

You’re one of the rare ones, my friend – an author and a poet. And you’ve done a pretty neat job at both.
THE DEVIL OF BLACK BAYOU – after the haunting rhyme of the opening lines, I was impressed by the creepy description of the Louisiana swamps. You’ve undoubtedly chosen the right settings for this story. I was reminded of Swamp Thing and Man Thing. But here of course, it’s a freaking vampire. The first person narrative was amusing and definitely a first for a vampire story. From what I’ve read so far, my only suggestion would be to pump in a little more action into the opening chapter. For example, instead of Antoine telling us what he feeds on or how he feels after a transformation, why not show us the same? I bet that would make for a scarier opening sequence, given that this story is classified as a thriller. Him telling us so many things upfront makes him a lot less menacing. A little blood and gore would certainly help set the mood, even if its rat blood and otter entrails. :-)

Best regards,
AGC

The Devil of Black Boyou. Your short pitch is explicit enough, but the long one could do with some breaking up and possible simplification. The reference to the natural surroundings could do with more prominence, as your descriptive passages are masterful indeed.

Ch.1. That's an atmospheric poem. I am no judge of poetry, but I like this one.
You start three consecutive sentences with 'The wind'. But you have created an attractive natural (as in 'of nature') opening for your dark story.
Fascinating details of how vampires 'work'.
You need to go over this chapter with an editor's hat - there are some typos and missing words.
Ibelieve you should put figures into word form in your story.

This is a compelling read, about a vampire with suggestions of goodness! And you leave a good hook to tempt the reader further. You write very well indeed.

I look forward to your reaction to mine.
Jane (Breath of Africa).

Hello ,great title , also -are you of Cajun origin , if so fantastic. I have also written about Pirates in the 17th century and I was won dering if you might have the time to look at the first chapter of my novel ' A Buccaneer' which is set amongst Pirates in the 17th century , best wishes , Strachan Gordon