Mother of Monsters

Sorry, meant to add - on my watch list and a bucket full of stars

Cyrus

Hi E.R. this is Cyrus,
You paint some great pictures here and the images are vivid enough to imagine easily.
Please tell me to shut up if you don't need comments.
We are all guilty of repeating ourselves, it is a big bear trap and I know I am as susceptible as anyone to this trait. Have another read through, as in - 'The animals would know the forest better, and it wouldn't....' For me it kind of detracts from the story and makes the reader stumble a little.
Not convinced with 'When she awoke the sight of sheer cliffs loomed over her' - surely it was the cliffs that loomed and not the sight of them.
A word of caution - if you are editing chapters always insert the new one before deleting the old one otherwise you will lose your ratings.
As a rule I will always print a hard copy of my work and read it out loud- it's easier to mark corrections on real paper.
I sincerely think you have something interesting here and please continue to write, you have a great imagination.

Perhaps I could tempt you to have a look at Hellion 2 - this is the second part of a series of 4 but may be read as a stand alone - I would appreciate your comments on the American characters in my book.

regards and best wishes

Cyrus

A nice, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

l love your start and narrative style that tells your tale. an engaging story that causes us to read on...
and l will back...
read SEASONS...

Hi Emily, just read Chapter 1 of Mother of Monsters and really enjoyed it. It’s a combination of classic Greek mythology, with contemporary touches. I’ve left a few thoughts that I hope prove useful. In the meantime, backed.
Chapter 1

Old gods never die; they wait and scheme. None did this better than (Hera.)
Her daughter, Maya, would be thirteen in the morning. Sacrificial age for the first born in a household of (Hera.)
“I must honor my oath to( Hera.”)

**You’ve used Hera’s name 3 times in close proximity. The repetition slightly mars the flow of the narrative. I suggest replacing the last one with: “I must honour my oath to the goddess.”

“Do you believe this is what your ancestors fought for and died?” Hera whispered, planting the seeds of fear and doubt in Thisbe’s tired and troubled mind. (The words of the goddess) became young men and women in uniforms, dirty and injured. Flashes of light from their guns illuminated the battlefield that served as a graveyard once the fighting was done.

**Suggest replacing this with: Her whispered words planting…

The picture Hera showed her shimmered to be replaced with the Elpis Thisbe had always known. Dirt roads
in place of the smooth, black asphalt, many in disrepair and overgrown. The cars, once so abundant, rusted in secluded junkyards, abandoned with all memories of the Technological Age. Skyscrapers and office buildings had been long ago knocked down. Priests and priestesses of the old Greek gods called them blasphemous attempts to live among the gods.

**Loved this, came as a real surprise, as I assumed the setting was ancient Greece.

(With the whole house quiet,) Thisbe left with Maya. She bundled her daughter up in old clothes and hurried her down to their family dock.

**Don’t think you need the bracketed words, since it’s already established the house is quiet.
Hera wasn’t about to be deprived of her sacrifice. This particular (sacrifice,) however, would be of something other than a life.

**Suggest replacing the second “sacrifice” with “one”: This particular one…
While Maya slept huddled in the bottom of (her) boat, (she) drifted from (her) destination. When (she) awoke, it was to the sight of sheer cliffs looming above (her.)

**You have 3 “hers” and 2 “shes” in this paragraph. To avoid the repetition, suggest rejigging along the lines of: While Maya slept…the boat drifted from its intended destination. When she woke it was to the sight of sheer looming cliffs.

The boat drifted around the mountainous land until Maya spied a small strip of sand. She rowed toward it and (collapsed over the side of the boat when she was close enough to land on the beach.)

**This would perhaps flow better as: and when she was close enough,, she collapsed over the side of the boat onto the beach.

The deep grooves cut into the cliff face allowed Maya to climb to safety. The sight awaiting her at the top nearly caused her to return to the beach below and take her chances with the raging surf. All around the top were animals of all types. Lions and eagles sat amongst horses and snakes. Every single one sat in a semi-circle facing her as she climbed over the edge.
Behind the unusual crowd of animals stretched a forest. From what she could see, it seemed to be made mostly of fruit and nut trees.
Maya took a step back, unsure of what to do. The animals hadn’t moved from their spots, although flickers of twitching tails and blinking eyes let Maya know the animals were real. She considered making a run for the forest. She could live off the fruit growing there and hide for a while.
The animals would know the forest better and it wouldn’t be long before they rooted her out and finished her off. Perhaps the fate awaiting her back home would be preferable to the one she had stumbled upon.
While she weighed her options, she kept a wary eye on those assembled before her. Movement towards the back caused all the animals to turn and watch as a cow bearing a young woman strode forward. The woman held herself tall and there was an air of power and energy surrounding her. As she passed by them, the animals all lay down. The woman never acknowledge them, her eyes trained on Maya every step of the way.

***The above paragraphs are excellent. The descriptions is so vivid I had no problem “seeing@ this.
The cow came to a stop in front of Maya and lowered itself to the ground, allowing the young woman to dismount. She jumped down lightly, her feet barely touching the ground. She walked towards Maya, although Maya never saw her feet move. It was more like she floated. Behind her, two peacocks appeared. When she stopped, so did they, fanning their great tails, glossy and colorful in the sunlight creeping over the horizon.

***As above – wonderful imagery.

“All of us.” (The woman) motioned to the animals lying on the ground, their attention turned intently on (Maya and the woman.)

**To avoid the repetition of “the woman” suggest: …their attention intently on them both.
You have come to offer yourself on my own (alter) in the most perfect sacrifice anyone could present.”

**Bracketed word should be: altar.

“I won’t do it. I refuse to allow you to use me for revenge on my own people. To give up my children to serve your own twisted agenda.”
“Child, you don’t have a choice in this. You were a sacrifice to me and the sacrifice was accepted. You are mine to do as I wish with. You will provide me with soldiers for my army. In return, I will allow you to keep your life.

**This is a tad awkward, suggest: You are mind to do with as I wish.

“Oh, but there will be. Your children will be special. And they will be plentiful.” Hera returned to the large white cow still lying on the ground, awaiting her mistress. Once Hera was securely on its (back,) it rose slowly and (walked back the way it came,)…

**To avoid repetition of “back” suggest: ..it rose slowly and returned the way it came.

Upset her now when her eye is focused on you and you’ll find out how mean-(tempted) she can get.”

**tempered.

Super Harsh Critique Service!

Please remember, this review is harder than killing the main hero of an action movie.

This time I'll attempt an open feedback sandwich. I'll give you a slice of the positive 'bread', then stick the juicy negative filling underneath it. You will stare at it, marveling at my stupidity. Why wouldn't I put the bread on the bottom so you could lift it and eat it? Now you have to lift the whole plate and kind of tip it into your mouth...

The positive is this. Despite finding enough in the first few sentences to stop me dead, I felt compelled to keep reading. I was happy to disregard enough to complete a couple of paragraphs before stopping myself. For this reason I believe the hook was deeply planted in my cheek. However, I was happy to rip it out to stay true to being unfairly harsh in these reviews.

A solid 2 stars for making me read on against my better judgement!

Now for the negative part. I'll put the example of the early sentences that made me reread them a few times. It's a bit like Forrest Gump. Boy, the kid can run fast, but something looks seriously wrong as he does it...

You wrote: 'Her daughter, Maya, would be thirteen in the morning. Sacrificial age for the first born in a household of Hera.'
I'm sorry, but the second half of that sentence just doesn't look right. It looks like it belongs to the first half, while the ending torments me in moments of silence.

I would write: 'Her daugher, Maya, would be thirteen in the morning, sacrificial age for the first born of a household of Hera.'
I just feel she is a first born 'of' the household, not 'in' it. To me it reads better, though as always, arguing is fun!

You wrote: 'Do you believe this is what your ancestors fought for and died?' Hera whispered, planting the seeds of fear and doubt...'
I will explain after my suggested alternative...

I would write: 'Do you believe this is what your ancestors fought and died for?' Hera whispered, planting seeds of fear and doubt...'
Two reasons. 'Fought and died for' gives the link that fighting led to their death. 'Fought for and died' makes me feel the two aren't related, that they fought for something and just happened to die around the same time. I feel a stronger connection should be made.
The second part I want to discuss is 'the seeds of fear and doubt'. I feel we can drop 'the'. It will remove 1 from your word count, potentially dropping the page number by 1, thereby saving you thousands of dollars if you sell millions of books. It also implies there is only one possible type of fear or doubt. I think most people would accept there can be many types of fear and/or doubt, so by removing 'the' we take away the suggestion there is only one incarnation of each.

I feel I am quickly building my campaign to be the least requested reviewer. Wish me luck!

Paul.