Immortal Souls

This is a YARG review

Immortal Souls

I like both of your pitches, especially the short one. I’d lose the “There was a bounty on her head” part of the short one, to make us wonder what it is about her everyone knows and why they want her dead.
You have a dramatic prologue, and it’s particularly interesting because it is set in the past. Sam and James are, obviously, modern characters and it is a good way of making the reader wonder why they are there and why then.

Ch 1 - I like that you haven’t abandoned the fantasy in this chapter. Lots of books have magic in their prologues, and then the next chapters are all about a teenage girl’s normal life. Sam is clearly not having a normal life.
“using the droplets of rain as a substitute for her tears.” Lovely description.

Ch 2 - The pace is a little slow here when Sam is hearing the explanation of her role in the library, and then again when the library’s layout is described. Unless it’s essential that the reader knows these things, I’d cut them out.

Ch 3 - I like that the town is big enough to get lost in, but small enough so you are found easily. That’s a very appealing way to describe it.
I also liked that Sam can sense the different blood donors on Jamie. That seems new to the idea of vampires.
The stuff about porn is funny.
You’ve used the word “labyrinth” an awful lot of times to describe something which isn’t, actually, a labyrinth.

You have the odd type here and there (add instead of ad, that sort of thing) but nothing too distracting. Otherwise, it’s got all the makings of a good fantasy, with plenty of new ideas and a likeable main character in Sam. Highly starred.

Lucy

Wow, this is really cool. I admit your pitch drew me in, and your opening line did the same. The writing flows well, but I think the run-on sentences are a bit jarring for me, like the first line of chapter one. I'd just make it two sentences and I think it'd look better. The descriptions are well-done, and same goes for the dialogue, which is realistic and smooth. The idea of a Ghost Bounty Hunter as her protector is just really cool to me for some reason, and like Sam, I'm intrigued as to his motives. The idea behind the story is unique, which is something very hard to come by nowadays. Amazing job.

-Krista
Wrong

YARG review:

I've read the prologue and the first three chapters, and I think you have a great setup for an imaginative story. Your pitch is intriguing, with just the right amount of detail. I like the contrast between the prologue and the modern-day setting, and you keep the reader guessing as to what the connection is. The characters are well-developed and your writing is well-paced. I did notice a few grammatical errors such as the use of commas instead of semi-colons and the present tense rather than the past. Nevertheless, this was an absorbing read, and I'll be back to read more soon. A high rating from me!

Emma, 'The Puppet Spell'

YARG

I don't have much to criticise. I know you said go mental, but I couldn't find much. There is the odd typo here and there, especially in the last chapter I got to read. You might have been geting tired. I suggest rereading it through and correcting as you go. Also, if you're cool with it, go around and change the .'s to ,'s at the end of dialogue. There was a sentence structure you favoured that I'm not so sure about. An example is "Trying to get it out of his head." sort of thing. As as single sentence I don't think it's grammatically correct. I think a sentence like that needs to be connected to the next one so it'd end up being something like, "Trying to get it out of his head, Jamie walked forward and through the portal."

If you see my meaning.

Plot structure is great, and writing quality is admirable. Not sure where it's going, but I love the plot, and I want to read more. Can I peer pressure you? The flow is excellent until, I feel, you hit one of those incomplete sentences. It's not too much of a bump, but if they were connected it would feel better.

That's all the crit I could think of.

Story was great, locations were great, the writings of the character's emotions were killer. And the Ballad of Sam made me grin quite widely.

The pitch of this book made me really and I’m really happy that I am (I’m making notes as I so along) The first thing that was kind of off putting was the use of Sam’s name so much in the beginning of chapter one. Also, the overuse of “if you can’t cry.” It seemed a bit much. I would definitely be mindful of repetitiveness. In the second part of chapter two, you tell us Michelle is the librarian, but then you tell us again in the same sentence. I really do love the vampire aspect (I’m such a sap for those kind of books) and the demons. I will keep this on my Watch List and come back. Of course, these are just my opinions and I am in no way trying to be rude!

IMMORTAL SOULS
This is an interesting story. Sam is a good main character; I like the idea of her having a guardian angel to watch over her. Makes her unique as a character. I think you’ll find a wide following for this among young adults as they’ll like the mix of magic and realism. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hi Karen,

If a writer gets me in the first chapter/prolog; they've got me. You got me. I've read three chapters of Immortal Souls and found it compelling. James - Samantha - Sam - Jamie. Your story has good pacing and you've built an interesting and believable world in which they interact. I'm not going to quibble about structure or punctuation or things like that at this point (from what I've rfead there aren't too many problems along those lines anyway). You're a writer who actually can write and I will be reading more of this to get a better sense of where the story is going. But so far...you got me. I've watch listed this and if it's as good as I think it is, I'm going to back it.

Larry M.

Hi Karen,
I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.
Your short pitch reads like a prophecy, but doesn’t do much for a pitch, in my opinion. Not sure that ellipse is used correctly either, since it doesn’t continue any thought line.
I love the premise here, but I think your pitches can be amped up a bit.
Prologue
Love the first line. It tells so much and is a great hook for the reader.
The period after “happen” should be a comma
The third paragraph is a run-on sentence. Add a period after “intervene” and start a new sentence after.
“white haired,” “white skinned” and “white eyed” all need to be hyphenated in this case.
Delete the comma after “room”
The fifth paragraph is a widowed fragment. I’m not sure I understand the purpose of that sentence other than to establish who the Elder Witches are. In which case, I wonder if there’s a better way to structure it within the sentence that leads into it.
Where there is imagery, it’s good imagery, but I wonder if the descriptions overall could be amped up a bit.
Love the direction you’re going here. This is a great start to an innovative story. With so many vampires stories out there right now, this has a unique feel, which is pretty amazing. Frankly, I’m tired of all the vampire stories, but this is fresh and fun to read, so well done.
I can see this doing well here. My biggest suggestion is to boost the imagery to paint a clearer picture of the setting and characters.
Best of luck with this! Six stars from me and I'm hoping to come back and read more at some point.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Hi Karen

I'm not sure how this came to be on my watchlist, but there it was, so I read some. I only read two chapters, which isn't quite enough in this case to get a good feel for it, but on the whole, I think it's going in a good direction. My notes:

It might be better to put an actual date, as 1300 years ago could be 2012, if it's set 1300 years in the future. Just a small thing though.

'...come next(;) it was their job to know.'

'couldn't intervene(. or ;)'

'...had been captured(,) her fate had been sealed...'

Should that be 'Witches' Elders'?

You said Witches Elders first time, then Elder Witches.

The sentence beginning 'Samantha could barely walk' needs different punctuation - commas don't work for such strong, self-contained statements.

Come to think of it, 'Samantha' isn't a very 700's AD name.

'"We serve no one(,)" said Ariana...' You do this a lot. Never have a full stop at the end of dialogue if something like 'she said' is going to follow. Always a comma if you're not using a question or exclamation mark.

'Grey'. Gray is American.

Couldn't you just say 'watched the sky turn a darker grey'? It's less awkward.

This being fantasy, you can stand to ignore it I think, but technically, if you didn't dream, you would literally go crazy.

'IS after her'?

'The rules SAY he CAN'T tell her anything'?

'...desk to find( )Michelle, the librarian, asleep in her chair(,) her head resting...'

I like the feel of what you have created. It manages to not seem like Twilight, too, which is huge plus. Obviously, vampire stories are pretty popular at the moment, so for that fact alone, this should do well. But it has more than most such stories, which is good. It just needs a good edit for punctuation and some grammar. A look at how to say things in less words wouldn't go amiss in parts.

Good luck with it :)

I'd appreciate it if you have a chance to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

Hi ya Karen wow wonderful work. This book is well written. just love it love it love it. Especially love the part where Jamie is in the library just standing there enthralled by Sams beauty. Cant wait to read on and discover how Sam and Jamie's relationship develops.Your writing seems to always captivate the reader. This book is just as good as Ayden Shaw. Brilliant.

Hi a YARG review,
I like the feeling of this, the prologue is setting the scene for the rest of the story. You have created some interesting characters, and the beginning leaves the reader wondering about the characters and what has happened to lead them to this fate.
I have included some suggestions for the prologue, not sure what you think. If you want me to look at any other chapters just let me know.
Hope its helpful,
Cheers Jacoba

Prologue:

...she knew they couldn't intervene... ( take out that)

Three witches all with white skin, white hair and white eyes strolled into the hall and sat upon the three thrones at the top of the room....( suggested change)

...all that knew her, an innocent victim, caught in the middle of a war. ( to tighten)

Samantha's body appeared limp, she could barely walk, the guards supporting most of her weight.( suggested change)

...so she couldn't use her Magic..( take out that)

( Maybe give the reader a bit more visual with this scene, it's quite a gruesome one, so you could vamp up the atmosphere a bit.) e.g. The guards dragged her over to the large wooden stake set in the floor in the centre of the hall. They propped her against it and with coarse rope began to tie her ankles to the base. Her body slumped to one side and one of the guards moved quickly to support her upper body with his shoulder....

As Samantha was secured to the stake, two more guards appeared dragging a man, who struggled against them, trying to escape. His wrists bound with weighted shackles making his efforts futile. ( suggested change)

..they knew this was how it must be. ( take out that)

YARG!

I loved the prologue, it really gives me an idea of things to come. I want to know more about the Witches. You did a good job of giving us story without making it a dump.

Already I'm wondering if Sam in the main part of the book is connected to the Samantha in the prologue. The dialogue is snappy. I'd watch out for things being repeated, like in the last part of chapter 3 I saw 'librarians desk a few times, 2 really close together at the end.

I always find myself amazed that writers keep coming out with new and fresh takes on vampires, you've done that. I see below someone suggested to you to read it out loud, it sounds silly but it works wonders. If you trip over something, it's likely the reader is too.

I saw where Michelle is telling same about the library, where the bathroom is etc. You use the word warningly. That is just an awkward. Show us. Did her eyes narrow? Did her voice drop? You can show us a lot by using some actions instead of dialogue tags all the time.

I hope this was helpful! I see a lot of potential in this, I read a lot of YA and I think it could be popular. It just needs some spit and shine (which is always the hardest part) Let me know if you ever need help or an extra set of eyes on something.

Stars for now and I will try to back it sometime soon. I see great potential here.
Missy

Great start with the pitch, it gives enough information to get the reader's attention, but still keeps them curious to know what is coming. I like your prologue, but it feels a bit choppy and rushed. It could be from the short paragraphs or the long sentences. Just a small note. I like how you start chapter one, but I think you use a few things that are noticeable without using extra details. Like "the dewy green grass..." the dewy part is fine, but most grass is green so it seemed a little redundant. Is "You're broken." A thought because if it is it needs to be in italics or something so the readers know. I think you have an interesting idea here, but throughout it still feels choppy. Maybe go through and read some of this outloud to yourself and you should be able to find the small things that would throw off a reader. This story has a lot of potential, so a little extra care would really make it great. I wish you the best of luck on reaching the Editor's Desk.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

just finished reading it and it's a very good start, although I prefer the tale of ayden shaw

  Jamie smiled. “I promise I’m not a serial killed
People get murdered in this town more often than anyone realises
I love it!!!! I had to stop myself although I didn't want to I will definitely come back for more!! The above sentences were the only mistakes I found but then again I'm a fast reader. If you have time to peek at mine I would really appreciate it. Thank You!
Mel
Lexies Tattoo

@Emma_94

That is very true, I think the book is written extremely well. And very good point on how it feels like she is Sam. Perhaps she even put a little bit of herself into Sam as well. That's what I've done once or twice.

Wait, no, not... into Sam. Whoa... weird mental image! I meant into my own characters. XD

@Josh, It almost feels like she is Sam...it's amazing really, that someone can insert themselves into their character's state of mind so easily and appropriately.

6 stars as usual Karen :D

"When you can't cry you're feelings out of your body, it's for one reason. You're broken."

I shivered. I physically shivered. That was such an amazing line, Karen. How did you manage to come up with that? =D

Karen,

WHOOOOOOA! I've only read the Prologue so far, Karen, as it is late, but OMG! That is fiiiine work! I love it. Just as good as Ayden Shaw, which I'm still reading whenever I get a chance. Keep up the good work, my luv.

Mr Bookshelf! Make room!