Soothsayer

I read the first three chapters so far and I’m excited to read more when I get the chance. First, I just have to say how impressed I am with your writing style. It’s perfectly fluid and well edited. The beginning is well detailed and full of such imagery that I can almost feel the mist rolling in and feel like I’m really there. You do an excellent job of putting the reader in the story.

The sense of mystery brought up in the first chapter is what makes you want to continue reading, to learn more about the boy in the top hat from her dreams and how he’s going to be a part of the story later on. Although, I haven’t read all of the chapters yet (so I’m not sure if you do this), but I encourage you to keep the sense of mystery throughout the story to give it an almost haunting feel… it keeps everything all the more interesting.

You also do a fantastic job of dialogue between Henry and Ari. It sounds like real teenage bantering.
I really like the story line because it’s different and unique, giving it its own individuality.
Highly starred and backed it! Well done so far. I’m excited to read the rest when I get the chance.

Christine Rees
Spark

A YARG review

First, I love the idea of the circus, what an exotic place to set the book, full of mystery and romance. Your descriptions are spot on. I read three chapters and I'm very impressed! The writing is polished and strong, it flowed well, and I love your characters. YA is a hard genre to bring something fresh to the game and you've done it. It's unlike anything I've read, which always scored big points with me.

I thought you could do a better job of showing instead of telling in a few places but it wasn't bad enough to distract me. In fact I didn't write down where it was and I forgot as I kept reading. Sorry!

I'll absolutely shelve this in the coming weeks. I loved it, it grabbed me and its been a while around here ;)
Missy

A very original and enjoyable read.
Five stars.

Hi there!
I owe you a read. So sorry it’s taken me so long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.
I like your short pitch, though I’d consider removing “then again” in the second sentence. Kind of wordy.
Love the first line of your long pitch.
Change the semicolon after “mother” to a comma. This is not a list and does not warrant multiple semicolons in the same sentence.
Delete “soon” in the final paragraph
Split up that first sentence in the final paragraph to enhance its punchiness.
This is a well-written pitch. My biggest gripe is that the real hook is not until the final paragraph. There is a lot of back story that could probably be whittled down to get the hook faster. Remember, the goal is not to catch the reader up to speed, but to entice him/her to turn the page. However, in all, this is a very good pitch.
Chapter 1
Not sure why La Nouvelle-Orleans is italicized.
Fantastic imagery in that first line. You might consider using the first line to hook your reader more into the story, but whether you change it or not, don’t lose this line. It’s a fantastic description.
I’m not seeing the image of the calm cushioning itself between the fog. Cushioning how?
I absolutely love your imagery, and I’m a sucker for good imagery. The story telling is strong, too, not over telling and letting the characters unfold through the details and dialogue. A wonderful start, and I’d be proud to add this to my shelf when space becomes available.
Best of luck with this! Truly one of the better things I’ve read in a while on here.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Ooh how intriguingly different this one is. Read the first two chapters and will be back for more. On my shelf in the meantime
Sheila

I read the first three chapters so far and I’m excited to read more when I get the chance. First, I just have to say how impressed I am with your writing style. It’s perfectly fluid and well edited. The beginning is well detailed and full of such imagery that I can almost feel the mist rolling in and feel like I’m really there. You do an excellent job of putting the reader in the story.

The sense of mystery brought up in the first chapter is what makes you want to continue reading, to learn more about the boy in the top hat from her dreams and how he’s going to be a part of the story later on. Although, I haven’t read all of the chapters yet (so I’m not sure if you do this), but I encourage you to keep the sense of mystery throughout the story to give it an almost haunting feel… it keeps everything all the more interesting.

You also do a fantastic job of dialogue between Henry and Ari. It sounds like real teenage bantering.
I really like the story line because it’s different and unique, giving it its own individuality.
Highly starred and backed it! Well done so far. I’m excited to read the rest when I get the chance.

Christine Rees
Spark

I read the first three chapters so far and I’m excited to read more when I get the chance. First, I just have to say how impressed I am with your writing style. It’s perfectly fluid and well edited. The beginning is well detailed and full of such imagery that I can almost feel the mist rolling in and feel like I’m really there. You do an excellent job of putting the reader in the story.

The sense of mystery brought up in the first chapter is what makes you want to continue reading, to learn more about the boy in the top hat from her dreams and how he’s going to be a part of the story later on. Although, I haven’t read all of the chapters yet (so I’m not sure if you do this), but I encourage you to keep the sense of mystery throughout the story to give it an almost haunting feel… it keeps everything all the more interesting.

You also do a fantastic job of dialogue between Henry and Ari. It sounds like real teenage bantering.
I really like the story line because it’s different and unique, giving it its own individuality.
Highly starred and backed it! Well done so far. I’m excited to read the rest when I get the chance.

Christine Rees
Spark

Hi Lexx,

First, let me say that I enjoyed this a lot. The Quarter is a character in itself, so much more interesting than the usual dreary suburban settings. Ari even without her mysterious background is a good, strong character. Henry’s likeable too, and the boy in the tent is the first slightly creepy element. Your characters are well fleshed out, nothing two dimensional or cut-out about them.
I know I’m on shaky ground commenting about grammar and spelling, but the first sentence of the second paragraph perplexed me rather. Who was disturbed? The fog?
‘women in warn out dresses’ should be worn out.
‘Those that visited her (Madame Santabella)’ I think it should be who visited her.
‘Even the Madam left her tent’ I see that you always spell Madame without the final e. Is that how it’s spelt there?
‘A person’s gunna come up behind you and place a cloth your mouth.’ over your mouth?

Your descriptions are vibrant, as I’d imagined the French Quarter anyway, full of colourful images. Personally I like all the description, but then I’m an adult. Has anybody asked you yet to cut some of it out? It’s what I get asked.
I also really liked the dialogue, which is what I usually dislike the most in American YA fiction. The slow, lazy Southern speech sounds just fine to my ears.
Ari’s reaction to the mysterious boy is convincing. She gives just enough back chat to avoid being rude, without being submissive.
I was right about the creepiness with the Cole character. The ending of chapter three is tremendous. I love chapter endings that turn your assumptions upside down.
This is a really good read, high stars naturally and watchlisted.
Jane

Hi,
YARG review,
As others have already said, this is indeed a fresh idea for the YA market. I think your definite strength is in your vivid descriptions and your dialogue.
I warmed to Arianna and Henry's character straight away, not something everyone can achieve in the very first chapter, so well done. For me the introduction of Henry really brought your story to life. Their conversation was brilliantly done. I am always in awe when authors can write dialogue and actions so naturally, it is not an easy thing to pull off.
I have included some editing nit picks you might find helpful, see what you think.
Best of luck with this, I think you have a great start here. I loved the ending to this first chapter, a definite hook to make the reader want to keep going. I might come back and have another read, just for the fun of it, and not for review purposes. I'll add you to my watchlist.
Cheers Jacoba

Chapter one

...colorful fonts the circus was in town. But in fact, the truth was, it never left.( take out that's and re arrange sentence)

(I would use full stops instead of semi colons here and tighten a little). ...as they hung tightly to poles. Tents emerged, poking their velvety red fabric toward the sky, adorned by various coloured flags atop their crest. The smell of popcorn and caramel apples...

But there was one tent almost everyone...( take out that)

...her hands, hidden under heavy robes..( perhaps under instead of by)

( I'd break this sentence up) It wasn't until she was in the safety of the only place she called home for the past eight years, that she felt comfortable enough to shrug it off her shoulders. The cloak made a puddle of cloth at her booted feet.

(not sure of the eye description, maybe): large brown eyes, her most prominent feature, the dark circles underneath, from too many sleepless nights, making them stand out even more.

..making her wince ( take out to)

and all the air...( had: and the all the air)

Great characters! Makes me want to run away and join the circus. You manage to get the reader to care about them right away. Curious to see a romance between Ari and Henry blossom. Highly starred and recommended. One criticism: in the middle of chapter one there is a period missing and the font changes for no particular reason. Good luck!

Hi A

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Just read the first chapter - brilliant opening, moves quickly, characters are believable, and I liked the contrast between Arianna's sadness and then her scream of joy at the end. Looking forward to reading more. Well done.

Peter
Falscastra - Journey to the King.

A YARG review

First, I love the idea of the circus, what an exotic place to set the book, full of mystery and romance. Your descriptions are spot on. I read three chapters and I'm very impressed! The writing is polished and strong, it flowed well, and I love your characters. YA is a hard genre to bring something fresh to the game and you've done it. It's unlike anything I've read, which always scored big points with me.

I thought you could do a better job of showing instead of telling in a few places but it wasn't bad enough to distract me. In fact I didn't write down where it was and I forgot as I kept reading. Sorry!

I'll absolutely shelve this in the coming weeks. I loved it, it grabbed me and its been a while around here ;)
Missy

YARG review!
Hi Lexx,
I love the story. Having the MC a sixteen-year-old girl was a wonderful idea. YA readers always like reading about people their own age. You have just one typo, and you may not consider it to be a typo, but I thought I'd point it out: "Then, we break for winter, and hopefully, I can . . ." No comma after 'then'
I loved the part when he kisses her, and you talk about fireflies exploding in her stomach. It's so perfect.
The YA adience should love this! Good luck with it.
Noelle J. Alabaster "Dark Origins"

Hi Mrs. Greshock,

I've read all nine chapters posted. Overall, I found the story, and especially the setting, fascinating. You held my attention throughout.

Title/Cover/Pitch:
- Title is interesting, but tells me little about the book, or even the genre
- Love the colours and glitz of the cover, but I'm not seeing the connection to the story
- Pitch is good, but I think it could be better if it at least hinted at romance (since you've categorized the story as romance)

Story Opening:
- The star of this story is the setting, and I like that you've led with it. The story opening immerses the reader in the mysterious atmosphere of circus life, and introduces a complex main character. Great job here.

Plot/Pacing/Conflict:
- Lots of mystery in this plot, so I don't have a lot to comment on. From what I've read so far, I have no complaints. I felt like the story started in the right place. Pacing is good - not too fast, but not slow either. The story flows well and I never once felt confused, like I'd missed something.
- good balance of conflict. On top of the mysteries of Ari and Cole's past, and the reasons behind the kidnapping, each character has their own conflict to deal with. Great job here.

Voice/Writing Style:
- I think your voice and writing style are perfect for the YA genre. Style is clear, fun, and light with just a hint of undertone. Even though it's written in third person, the story is still told consistently through the eyes of a young adult.
- good balance of description to action
- good balance of narrative to dialogue

Character Development:
- love your characters. Ari and Cole are very complex but unveiled to the reader in layers.
- I think Moon Warren would be a stronger villain if the reader actually meets her near the start of the story
- I assume the reader will get to know Henry a bit more later, but I would have liked to have grown a bit more attached to him before Ari is kidnapped. Also, I was wondering why the two aren't already a couple since they grew up together.
- dialogue was well done. Each character had a unique voice (even if it did keep changing). Words spoken felt natural and furthered the plot

Setting:
The setting is the star of this story. You've done a great job playing up the mysterious atmosphere of the circus and the people involved with it. Also, I think Cole's "home" would look spectacular on a big screen.

I hope there's something in here helpful to you.

Marcie

p.s. I belong to the Romance Writers Critique Group. If you do make this story into a romance, please check the group out ---> http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/87630/romance-writers-critique-group/

Mrs Gresh,

I would like to be able to say that I've helped in some way, but I could not find anything that needs correcting. I read the first chapter and was totally enjoying the read, but the end of the chapter came and so did my time to stop reading.

I love your character, her serious and troubled nature requiring love and understanding, so young and so troubled, must be a winner. Your style is pleasing and easy to read with believable dialogue. I high rating from me!
I especially like the sound of fireflies exploding in her stomach - what a fantastic description!

Best regards
Warrick

Kia Ora Lexx -a YARG review,

I really like the premise of your book -lots of points of intrigue - the promise of suspense and mystical happenings.
In the first two chapters, I got 'lost' in a good way in the encounter with the stranger -there was great interplay and characterisation through the dialogue. There were also nice hooks at the end of each chapter. Overall, I found your first two chapters good and promising but perhaps, at times. a little self-conscious. There were some very strong parts but then, at times your story felt like writing, rather than a story.

I think if you travel through the story with a camera -and focus on what the 'camera' or character sees...try to show the action and only the essential action and not tell the emotion and introduce details like her age in a subtle way. I would also try to introduce more intimacy or closeness to some of the action eg. when the stranger leans in, maybe she feels his hot breath on her face (or details like that) Try to cut out adverbs eg 'turned sharply' -could be 'spun around' and use action verbs. In the first chapter there is also a change of POV to the 2nd person - and then back to the 3rd - I think it makes the flow a little uneven. For me, this has got a Southern state, Tennessee Williams feel, and I got that beautifully in the last exchange of dialogue between the MC and the stranger -but at times this seemed to have quite a prim and proper English style - so I think you need to decide about the style or tone and keep it consistent. If you choose the Southern style, I'd have a few glasses of wine and go through it and give it that moody Southern drawl and pace:)


I'm sorry if these observations seem a bit harsh -but they are intended to be helpful as I can see a lot of promise here. There are too many dodgy platitudes on this site - I was lucky enough to receive some very detailed reviews when I started and have reworked my opening about ten times! So I hope this is of assistance.

Here are a few typos I found:
light(s) bulbs
well-deserved, sleep (no comma?)
an ear to whine to (whine..replace?)
wallow (as above)
Ch 2
my apologizes (apologies)
twirling back her annoyance (twirling...replace?)


All the best - I'd be happy to read more or re-read.

Kaal Kaczmarek

I like what I read. You have a good writing style, and voice. Your characters are clean and crisp. I like Ari, despite her lying---I think I like her because she feels forced to lie because of her line of work, yet hates it. By the end of chapter 1 I've developed a compassion for her, and want to know what is going to happen to her next. I'm giving this six stars and putting it on my WL, waiting for a spot on my shelf.

Great job, and good luck!
Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

This not the kind of book I use to read. I am here to just comment of a delicious voice - I was taken in by your pitch: your ability to make clear descriptions and get to the essence of what the book is about - and make us just as curious as needed to read more.
Best of luck with this, and welcome to Authonomy.
Leelah saachi "When fear comes back to Love"

Mrs. Gresh,

Your book starts with a bang that just keeps reverberating throughout. The wonderfully fast-paced and intriguing plot kept me biting my lip in tension. And then chapter four about put me over the edge with all the surprises it held. After chapter four, I skimmed the rest and found that the paced slowed, yet held a few more surprises. In these chapters I sense that you are developing characters that will become important to Ari and her strange and mysterious situation. This book will definitely capture the attention of young adults and grown-ups alike. I loved it!

I did noticed a couple typos.

Chapter one: Polls should be poles and check out this sentence, “It wasn’t until she was in the safety of (her) the only place she called home…“

Chapter two: “well it severed (served)him right, anyway…”

The opening of chapter three was a little inconsistent. Ari is feeling more relaxed than ever, but then she jumps at the slightest ruffling of tent fabric.

By the way, you do a fine job of staying within the character’s point of view. And I so appreciate how you jump right into the heart of your story! Six stars!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood