The unicyclist, the vicar and the paediatrician

What a lovely, marvelous, uplifting story! and it really happened! Of course, I'm a bit bias as this is my favorite type of read: a journal of a real-life adventure. Your story is made even more interesting by the bits of Scripture and poetry thrown in - almost like music! It'd be fun to also include some of David's insights from the trip. Peter - I'm so sorry about your TIA!!! But, please take this the right way, it added another dimension to the story. In fact it's in regard to that that I have my only suggestion: I would either omit Ch. 4 or I would put it after Ch. 5. In chapter 3, the reader (this reader, anyhoo) becomes very involved with Peter's stroke incident and eager to know what happens so that the journal interlude of Ch. 4 is almost an unwelcomed intrusion in Peter's saga. I was in the Philipines for 3 years and met Imelda (Peace Corps), Peter! - but I think I'd omit this paragraph about the Philippines as it is too much of a digression from the hospital scene. Back to the journey - I do NOT see how Joe managed all those hills on a unicycle! It is almost painful for the reader - so tell him for me, if he makes another unicycle trip - please, please get a geared cycle :-) Also, I like the description of Helen's role in the trip - I could see myself in her place. Peter, other than the two spots mentioned, I think this is a very well written manuscript.I don't think you nor your son ramble too much. I love reading about the local scenery and history behind it - but, then, as I said, this is my favorite type of book! I hope to see it published :-) Blessings, Pat (I added a bunch of stars!)

Howdy! Just finished your sixth chapter. I like that you mentioned Helen's hard work and contributions. Your comparison between yourselves and the Lord of the Rings characters makes your journey more epic and allows readers to realize how you see your experience. Happy writing!

Jonie - Leave Me Asking

I chose to read the final two chapters because I imagined you hadn't gotten as much feedback on them. I felt the words, "And most importantly...it will be Epic," should have been the final words in the book. After the acknowledgements.

It's difficult to comment on the writing of journals. I think it was Joyce who pointed out that your son's voice should shine through in Joe's account; I feel the same about your segments. In your other book I felt you were overly wordy; I don't have that concern with Chapters 14 and 15.

Are there any blog comments that would add dimension to the final chapters? Any famous folks comment? Any humble folks describe how inspiring you were? I'd like to have read some of those at this point in the book.

One thing I do feel strongly about after reading about all that Highland scenery is that the final published book simply must have photographs!! Wow!

Have you contacted magazines such as ESPN or Outdoors or whatever bicycling publications exist regarding this story? ESPN covered Zach whatsits sail around the world. They love stories like this.

Well, this is an unusual fix. I've read the end and now want to go backwards. Usually it's the other way.

I have finished reading most of your book and I am impressed with its spirit. I found few problems with mechanics (phrasing, grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc.) Except a few grammatical flaws [“me and David”] in teenager Joe’s account. These I didn’t even comment on, because I believe those few grammatical errors makes his account HIS. As for pacing, I find it a little on the slow side but I think that will change when the clarifications and changes that have already been initiated are completed for the entire book. Clarity of speech is paramount and I found nothing to complain about. I do hope, Peter, that you manage to get some input from David especially about his thoughts about the ride and the spiritual implications of the ride. All in all, I am impressed and will complete the book, but unless I find something egregious I doubt if I will comment again. (So many books, so little time!)
Joyce

Ch. 8 No problems found.

Hey, just finished chapter five. I'm sure it was disappointing for you to give up the journey, but you still took the time to focus on several positive things in this chapter. I like that your praised the hospital staff and focused on how their kindness and sensitivity were a source of encouragement. Many times, nurses probably do not get the praise and recognition they deserve. I've never been in a third world country, but I can relate to receiving generosity from people with much less than myself. The experience is truly touching and stays with you.
Jonie - Leave Me Asking

Peter,

Your story keeps getting better and better. I am truly enjoying reading every interesting fact and detail of the ride. What I like is, your story, as well as Joe’s is spoken from the heart. There are no pretenses only honesty - the good with the bad.

Chapter eight - Coventry Interesting to get the facts on Joe’s bikes and to hear of his marathon rides carrying his handle bars. He seems to take it all in stride. But why does he think riding across America would not be fun? Sea to sea to shining, amber waves of grain and all that good stuff. Oh yeah, and the Rocky Mountains… But Europe has it’s fair share of mountains too. Please come to America!!! We love brave, passionate people and you could stay in a different Authonomite’s home every night.

Chapter nine - I really enjoyed Joe’s experience riding through the Solar System cycle way. It really gave perspective to the vastness of the heavens.

Chapter ten - Quite amazing and amusing the differences between Joe and David’s riding styles but it was so neat to see how they worked together. I’m sure they now have a mutual respect and admiration for one another. After reading the disturbing story of the riots, David’s broom of hope was such an inspiration.

Dianna

Ok Peter. I've finished the entire book and I just have one question. How come you got to keep your appendix?!! :-) I also had my appendix out at age 11 and the doctor told me I could keep it so I made sure to tell every hospital person I saw and yet they never gave it to me. I so wanted it in that little jar! I'm SO jealous!!

But in more important matters, I did enjoy your book. What an adventure!!

Many blessings to you and your family!

Patti

Hi Peter and Joe
I've no particular skills as a literary critic, so please take anything I say about your book with that in mind! I haven't read any of the reviews, as I didn't want to be influenced in my impressions one way or another.
First of all, I did read the whole book. As I started it just before some significant changes were made in the first chapters, I read the early bits again. I think the changes have been good. It would have been helpful, I think if the first reference to "Lejog" could have been explained. Also, in the fourth paragraph of the new introduction, I think "involve" should be "involves".
Secondly, I think you have a good writing style. I didn't find the interplay of Joe's input and Peter's input difficult to follow - the italics saw to that. Here and there, as people joined and left, I did find myself having to refer back to who these "transients" were, and I did have to try to visualise the route in my head (some of which I know - my friends own the Crask Inn).
Thirdly, I didn't find your spiritual reflections heavy-handed. Very Anglican! There was a winning gentleness about them - even on the difficult subjects of suffering (Cambodia), mortality (your TIA) and death (David's mother).
All in all, I enjoyed reading what you've written of this great adventure, commend the stamina, patience and faith displayed, and applaud the sum of money raised for worthy causes. Is this account marketable? I don't know, but I'm very glad a record such as this was made of it and shared with the rest of us.
Every blessing
Fr. Ambrose

Just finished your fourth chapter. Your book is already capturing how easily the plans of our human minds can go ary. This journey, though prearranged, met with unpleasant and unexpected surprises. Yet those surprises are viewed as lessons and opportunities for growth.

Jonie - Leave Me Asking

Peter,

I just read chapters 6-10. How disappointing it must have been for you to have to give up this journey. I enjoyed the part where you talked about letting go. I also liked the story at the end of chapter 10 about the brooms. Good stuff!!

Blessings and wisdom as you continue to edit!

Patti

Just finished the whole thing. Googled "Crask Inn", a beautiful place, and enjoyed the sentence where Joe has his first taste of whiskey. I agree with him...disgusting!
All in all an enjoyable read! Thanks for sharing your wonderful trip with us, Joe and Peter! Blessings to both of you!
I want to go bike riding right now, and it's freezing here, and dark!
Georgia

Dear Peter,

I'm happy to be here for my CLF Review (based on chapters 1-4).

This is one action-packed, fast-paced piece! I absolutely loved the first chapter, especially learning the "whys" behind Joe's motivation to embark on such an undertaking. His voice works so well in chapter one also. I am a big fan of one consistent voice throughout a piece, so subsequent chapters threw me slightly in that regard as I was hoping to stay in one "character's" head. I can see why that may be too lofty a goal, though, as this story certainly encompasses many points of view.

You have used some wonderful descriptive images in your writing as well. "Fluffy white clouds ambled..." and "...quiet, winding Cornish lanes" are lovely phrases which set a beautiful backdrop for the reader.

Also to be appreciated are the tidbits of wisdom throughout this piece. Viewing the aftermath of the stroke as an "unexpected journey" drew me in and stirred a hunger for what that might be. Your mention of Creation as "very good" rather than "perfect" was interesting to reflect upon as well.

This is an amazing, adventurous story within a story (or perhaps several!). It is a journey within a journey... the biking trip itself is obvious, but deeper (where my mind likes to go), there are stories here of physcial, spiritual, and emotional voyages. It is in these personal journeys, I believe, where many who read this piece will find encouragement and inspiration.

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

Hi Peter,
Here are a few more comments. I am definitely getting wrapped up in the story more. I am getting used to the English words and terms more as well. Part of the fun of the book it seems.

Note that the comments were written as I read along.

Chapter 8
"Lucozade". Us Yanks aren't familiar with that. I did a google search and it sounds like it is similar to Gatorade over here. Or perhaps one of the higher caffiene energy drinks I guess. This book will share a lot of English terms with your readers if they are located in the USA or the Euro-mainland.

The vicar, David, is mentioned, but glossd over. I suppose too much about David would distract from all the detail in the story of Joe and Peter.

Chapter 9
The poems are a nice touch, adding some humor. And showing some whimsey.

Chapter 10
I was glad to finally learn something of Vicar David. The personal information on his life made him very real to me. Now that I've aclimated to the story, its not being in the first person seems less important. It certainly isn't detracting from my enjoying it now. The poem at the end of chapter 10 is a very nice prayer. Goes well after the brooms discussion.

Chapter 11
I appreciated hearing the personal bit about Elizabeth's mother, Peggy. It was touching and sad.

I found less to comment on, but the story is still good. There are a lot of names of people who come and go, making for some confusion. I think though it adds more of a sense that Joe had lots of participation on his trip.

I'll get back to the rest of the novel when I can. Thanks for letting us read it.

Really enjoyed chapter 13. I feel a kinship here, a similar understanding of the faith journey. Were there people in chapter 11 and 12 that weren't properly introduced or was it just me? (It could be just me, not sure!) Anyway, Blessings, dear Peter and Joe.
Georgia

Hello Peter and Joe:

I am continuing to read through Chapters 8 through 10. I really enjoyed the pithy poems that you included in Chapters 9 and 10. They were amusing and creative.

I appreciate that you describe distances in terms of miles instead of kilometers. Thanks for dumbing it down for your American readers!

I was really inspired by the background information about the vicar. I grew up in a town which is very similar to Scotswood and have, from time to time, entertained the thought of one day moving back for the same motivation as he did. It would certainly be a sacrifice, but God often has greater concerns than our own personal comfort.

Anyways, God bless this book as you continue to share your journey.

James

This isn't the sort of thing I'd ordinarily read, so I don't have much to compare it with.
But, from what I've read it's engaging and full of adventure. I can see how your personality will come through more as both the chapters and the journey progress.

Oh, and you're clearly bonkers.
For that reason alone, I'm giving you a spin on my shelf as soon as there's room.

Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

This isn't the sort of thing I'd ordinarily read, so I don't have much to compare it with.
But, from what I've read it's engaging and full of adventure. I can see how your personality will come through more as both the chapters and the journey progress.

Oh, and you're clearly bonkers.
For that reason alone, I'm giving you a spin on my shelf as soon as there's room.

Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

This is a good chapter, just as good as chapter one. My only comment would be the audio diary. could you somehow lump it together with perhaps a hyphen to show the length of time? such as "Joes Audio Dialog August 14, 2011 18.34-19.06" and then fill in all the data. It seemed a little jarring the way it read. Just a humble opinion. Great chapter, well done! I am very interested to see how this journey ends!

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

I will comment on each chapter I read. In the intro, your dad is a paediatrician and does a lot of research and training around "cot" death. What is that? Is it the same as crib death? You may want to expalin for those of us not living in your country. At first I thought you meant "cat" but that doesn't make sense since he is a baby doctor.

that is the only thing I saw in the intro that might need tweaking. Great intro. I like that you are explaining things before your dad. lol The writing is smooth and you do well explaining what is about to happen.

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

Ch. 7 Para starting: "About 18 months ago I was walking back ..." some of this is now in the introduction so, of course, this needs to be pared down to avoid repetition. In the following para. it says: "...I should wait TILL the summer..." TILL is a cash register. What you want here is, " 'til " a contraction of UNTIL.
Para starting, "The preparations continued ..." you write: "...a friend in Madison ..." many states have towns named Madison. American form is to name the state whenever you name a town or city because so many states have duplicated names. IE: "...visit a friend in Madison, Wis." or "...visit a friend in Madison, South Dakota" (either abbreviated or written out) or you could say something like: "He then flew off to visit a friend in the state of Wisconsin. Where he managed to participate in ... taking place in the city of Madison."

I like this new intro. but, of course, the proofreader in me ...
If you want to clarify for folks beyond the U.K. you might want to put which country or area both Land's End and John O'Groats is in. I'm a Yank and unfamiliar ... I'm assuming Land's End is in Wales or Cornwall ... and I'm also assuming that John O'Groats is in Scotland ... am I right?
Para: "I have ideas like this one fairly regularly..." might be a little more humorous thusly: "I have ideas like this one fairly regularly. I don't always catch my "wild hare" as Dad calls them but when I do it's always a beaut. A recent one resulted in one wall ... few of my ideas work out but my hare about the unicycle trip began to be real to me when I realized it would take three or ..."
Last para: "It was already decided ..."...training around cot death..." American term is "crib death" or SIDS death. While crib death would be good for Americans, I think SIDS death would be clearer internationally.
You also speak of "David our vicar ..." I understood David the vicar was also Joe's grandfather. Am I right or is he simply your local vicar?

Peter, Another CLF review

I’m still really enjoying the ride, although I did turn around and check on your changes to chapter one. The new introduction is a great improvement. I found the background helpful in clearing up some of my wonderings. Okay, if you’re getting tired of peoples’ suggestions, don’t read this… when I read chapter seven, I thought the training preparations and the send off of your daughter could be placed in the beginning of your book too. And I think somebody else mentioned it too, but when Joe says, “but with everything that had happened over the past couple months…” it made me wonder what had happened - just general busyness or did something dramatic happen? I felt a little uninformed.

“It seems to be similar to trails, and involve(s) riding off drops…”

Also, what is cot?

Chapter 6 - I do love the word “fairly”. It sounds so English, but I would say it is “fairly” overused through out the chapter. :-) I joke about the English use of this wonderful word in my book….

I loved the tribute you wrote about your support team (particularly Helen, the unsung hero) My mother-in-law drove the sag wagon for my father-in-law and some other family members who rode bikes from Michigan to Colorado (they camped too). Not an easy job…

It seems Joe’s biggest mental battles are those crazy hills. What a strong kid.

I liked when you compared your situation to the characters of the Hobbit.

Chapter 7 -

I wonder if you could give a little background how the spot on the Stuart Linnell show came about.

Your honest thoughts in chapter seven were really quite touching. I said it before, but those personal reflections and spiritual “retreats’ are my favorite parts of the book. I could do with more of those. But that is only my opinion. I know there are others who would beg to differ.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Posted on the Christian lit forums:

Read a few chapters of Peter Sidebotham's book The Unicyclist, The Vicar And The Paediatrician.

I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it. I'm not normally interested in journeys of self-discovery so I'm thankful the rules of this critique group forced me to have a look. The pemise is compelling enough...three guys of various ages set out on a bicycle journey. Variations in hardware, to include a unicyle, make it all more interesting. I like the way the audio diary was worked in...kind reminded me of a multi-media artwork.

Since this genre isn't my typical read, it's difficult to frame useful criticism. I suggest you read your manuscript aloud to make sure the sentences flow the way your brain thinks they are as you write. For example, you say in your audio diary, " And David, meanwhile, is trying to unjam his chain which got jammed." Besides sounding awkward to me when read aloud, I think you miss an opportunity for reader participation. I suggest you consider this: "And David, meanwhile, is trying to unjam his chain." The "which got jammed" portion might not be necessary as why would David try to unjam a chain that's not jammed in the first place? Also, I feel the "which got jammed" clause kind of shut down my imagination. I wondered briefly "how did David's chain get jammed? Was it a rock thrown by a passing truck? Did he run off the road into a ditch? Was he going 20 mph and the thing seized up on him and nearly threw him over the handlebars? To me, "which got jammed" kind of implies little or no significance...and if it's not significant, why write about it? Perhaps you clear that up later. I also suggest you look carefully at comma use (and read those sentences aloud to see if the commas are necessary).

As I said, I enjoyed what I read. Adults who like journey-type books would be drawn to this. I wonder if maybe it would have even greater commercial appeal if focused on YA. Thanks for posting your manuscript and allowing us to share your biking experience.

Read through chapter 10...the prayer at the end and the story of Tariq Jahan brought tears...

In chapter 7...I felt like the Peter narrative had way too many commas. You might want to look at that. Blessings! Georgia

Read your new introduction this evening. It's so much better, now that Joe has been properly introduced and I understand exactly what's going on. I like knowing about the charities that will recieve money, due to the efforts of the ride. I love the last line of the chapter, summing it all up and making me want to turn the page. Great job!

These are my thoughts and comments. As the author, feel free to use what works for you.

Chapter 2. Wow. A stroke. This was a surprise and a hook. That has me wondering, "What happened next?"

Chapter 3. Although I thought it seemed clear that the narrator had to be Joe because Dad is in the hospital, I was not sure of that. Turned out a chapter later I figured out it was Dad.I think it would help to say so near the chapter start.

All the discriptions of things along the route got me thinking. Would this be enhanced by a lot of photos? I found myself wishing I could see some of the countryside being discribed. It would change the flavor somewhat, but

Chapter 4. Again, this is where I figured out that Dad is speaking with Joe doing the blogs, right?

Chapter 5 is clearly Dad. Think I got it now.
First paragraph - "The consultant told me..." Shouldn't you say "the doctor"? I'm an engineer and a consultant could be another engineer, and attorney, or anyone, from my experience. Sounds like it may be more commonly used in England they way ou are using it. YZou may know better than me, but I was not sure it was a doctor at first.

Loved hearing about his walking around in his bicycle shorts in the hospital. Interesting, too. I thought Viv was a lady, but turns out is a guy. Is Viv a male name in England?

Chapter 6. Ester's "A-Level" results? A colledge test? I am not familiar with it. You may want to explain it a bit. Probably a commonly know test in England, I suppose.

I like the way Dad does things like reference the "Lord of the Rings". These little bits of info make the whole story very personal.

"We met up with Jeremy Beven..." I don't recall this person. Was there an introduction to him elsewhere?

Chapter 7. Rough on Dad, letting go. Evokes some feeling with that comment. Good touch.
Reference to "Roger and Sam's 6-day trip" I don't recall these people. Do they need some introductionvor are they some people who went on the practice ride?

"I am convinced that neither teenagers, nor sexagenarians, are responsible." This is a very funny phrase. Probably accurate.

Chapter 7 wraps up with some touching and personal sharing by Peter (Dad). Very good. This should be received well by the readers. I would think that biking fans may be another market that will enjoy the story.

Will look at further chapters after a break.

Hi. I am reading this as a suggestion from the Christian readers thread. I have only read chapters 1 and 2, but will try to get back for more in a bit. Thank you for the opportunity to read your story,. My comments on it so far are as follows:

The story reads naturally and was interesting. The feat of riding so far on a unicycle is amazing. I did like the references to the scenery and "things to see" along the route.

The point of view is one where the events are all in the past. Do you think it would read better if the events were happening right now to the narrator? First-person present case? Changing the point of view is a lot of work I know. You may want to try it on just chapter 1 and/or 2 and see if you like it better that way.

Chapter 1 and 2 have a few spots where the author hints of coming events, part of the "in the past" perspective. Do you think that the hints may distract from story a bit? Maybe give away some surprizes?

It may have been just me, but I wasn't sure immediately that the father was the narrator at the beginning of chapter 2.

I would recommend you add a map of the route in the book. For someone unfamiliar with England, the map will add a grasp of how long the trip is graphically.

The blog and diary inserts are a nice touch, I think.

Hello Peter and Joseph:

I continued reading through chapter 7 and was particularly impressed by the unicyclist. I simply can't wrap my mind around someone riding a unicycle on this scale of distance.

One thing that you may want to watch is that there are occasional rabbit trails in the narrative. All in all, this is an account of a noble, worthwhile venture.

Blessings.

James

The questions I had early in this book were “Where is Land’s End and John O’ Groats?” (I am American) I looked them up on Wiki to discover that they were in southern Britain and northern Scotland. Impressive trip, but you may wish to add the countries for your international audience. There were four problems that I noticed throughout: 1) I think you use mostly two spaces between sentences, which was the standard in the typewriter days. Nowadays, however, editors want you to use only one space, I think because using two messes up typesetting directly from the manuscript’s computer file. Plus, today’s readers are used to reading with only one space between sentences, and having to make that extra jump throws off their timing and enjoyment. It will be tedious, but my suggestion is that you turn on the “Show all symbols” tab (it looks like a Paragraph symbol) and get rid of those extra spaces. 2) Your use of dashes is incorrect. First, you want to use long dashes if you are not (I think you are, but yours are a little shorter than mine so it’s hard to tell,) which you can find either on your “insert or add symbol” dropdown chart, or as a shortcut in Word by holding down Ctrl and Alt keys while you hit the Minus key on your keypad. Furthermore, do not put a space on either side of a dash, but connect it directly to the surrounding words! Thus, Para 5 should be “Road unicycling is what this book is about—riding long distances,” and not “Road unicycling is what this book is about — riding long distances.” (This pops up again in chapter 2, Para 2, which should be “one wheel—to me,” and also in Para 4, as well as many times throughout the book. You will want to correct this. 3.) You use single quotation marks a lot when you should go ahead and use double. Examples, chapter 1 Para “7 foot high ‘giraffe’ unicycle” should be “7 foot high “giraffe” unicycle,” or actually, “7-foot-high “giraffe” unicycle.”Chapter 2, many cases of this in beginning blog entry, and in the fourth from the last paragraph you have an entire direct quote in single instead of double quotations. Correct these throughout. 4.) Also, make sure that you place any punctuation inside the quotation marks, not outside. Examples, chapter 4 should be “made as “good,” even “very good,” but not “perfect,” not “made as ‘good’, even ‘very good’, but not ‘perfect’.” It may sound like I’m nitpicking on all this stuff, but editors need to know that you can produce clean copy, and will not bother to read a manuscript that has these types of errors in it. So please don’t shoot the messenger; any book on how to get published will tell you the same thing.
Beyond these changes, I found quite a few places where the wording or punctuation just didn’t strike me as ideal. Some may be due to cultural differences, but actually, I think this book could benefit from a few more edits for word-flow and smoothness. You really do have to go over it many times to catch these little buggers, and for many people, reading it aloud to oneself or to another could make all the difference. Another helpful possibility is to have someone else read it and mark it up with suggestions. My own examples, just to get you started: Chapter One, first line: delete both commas in the Chinese parable line, and delete the word “even” as its first word. Para 1: Possibly add a comma after “Essentially.” Para 3: “my room being painted rainbow coloured;” that’s really not a color, so you might want to say “painted in the colours of the rainbow.” Chapter 2, Para 2, extra dash, as far as I can tell, after “getting about.”
I am not saying that this is not a good book or that it is poorly written. The trip obviously makes for a good story and contains many life-lessons. I do, however, think that the book does need some further work and fine tuning. I have tried to explain some of the punctuation rules that I think you need to give attention to. But take a look at Chapter Ten, paragraph 10, where you have “Joe keeping up a steady 8-12 miles per hour, while David crawled up the hills at 1-2mph.” The fact that you spell out miles per hour in the one case, and then both abbreviate it and do not separate it from the numbers in the second case, tells me that you simply have not edited this book enough to catch these kinds of errors. So let’s get on it, and make what is now a good book become the best book it can be!
Eric
The Second Symbol

I wasn't sure what to expect when I began to read, but I found it to be really interesting.
I read to chapter 5 and have found myself thinking how fantastic it would be to do something like your cycling trip - it's gripped my imagination that much!!!!
I found the text beautifully written and easy to follow. I liked the interjections of the audio log and the information about places you visited.
Great stuff - good luck with it!
Cheers,
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

Nicely done Peter! I think the introduction is excellent!! It really sets the stage nicely to know who's who and what this journey is going to be about.

Patti

Peter,

I should make it clear that I am critiquing as a 'Friend' of this thread, rather than a member!

I have read to the end of Chapter Four, and intend to read on, and what i would like to suggest relates to style rather than to content (the content is brilliant!). So far I have the feeling that I have very little idea about who you, David and Joe really are. Yes, I get your ages, names, jobs, etc - but I cannot 'feel' you as people. Example? Well you have what must have been a quite disturbing, and to your wife and son terrifying, medical moment - and yet you describe it almost as you would if presenting a report (albeit with a bit more humour). I need to feel what you feel, I need to know what your wife is thinking, to understand your son.

Just thinking about how to get into it a bit more - how about trying your bits in the first person present? It becomes easier to write after a bit of practice and allows you to say what you are thinking. It might also be a good way of contrasting Joe's experiences from your own.

At present this is an amusing, pleasing and quirky travelogue - let us into your feelings and it will make a great book.

Gordon

Ch. 5 Para 3: "...the annoyingness of hills..." two reasons this should be changed ... first: there is no such word as annoyingness (and I know this is a journal entry by a teenager so that might not matter as much ... however, there is the second reason: this para also has the word "annoying" and in it twice more, so there is repetition. I would suggest changing "annoyingness" to "peskiness" and the second annoying to "irritation".
You have a para that talks about "the back of my knee" and "the brace" ... up until now I dont remember reading anything about a brace or a bad knee. Maybe you should elaborate or ... mention it before hand with some explanation.
Para starting: "The plan was to ride ..."This seemed like going out of the window ..." need to add to this. Something like: "This seemed like IT WAS going out of the window ..."

Read through chapter 6 this evening. First thoughts: Very well written, polished storytelling style. I would like to know about the other trips Joe refers to, to give me more of an idea about who the characters are in the story. Are they seasoned riders? Have there been more than one trip?
I like the reference to the sermon idea, "Being close to the Creator when things go wrong..." Clever!
I agree, we create because we are made in His image and He's the Creator. Fine insights!
I was unclear as to who was driving the car pulling the trailer. Is that Helen and only Helen or is there another driver? Who's Elizabeth? Is this the first mention of her in Chapter 3?
Chapter 4: I assume Esther is your daughter? She's not been introduced to the reader.
LIne I liked:
"Slums are horrible places-dirty, dark, rank, and with violence and sickness rife; but they are also places of beauty, where hospitality, friendship and laughter abound."
So much truth there!
Chapter 5: I just now realized that the italics is Joe's voice while the other is Joe's father's voice. Is that you? You might want to make the reader aware, earlier, who is speaking in italics and who is speaking in regular print.
This is a record of a truly great adventure. I will read on. Blessings to you! Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Hello Peter and Joseph:

I read the first three chapters. What an adventure! My only suggestion is that, rather than jumping into the account of the ride, you might devote a little more attention to setting the stage as to what motivated you all to undertake this journey.

James

Howdy! I just read your first chapter for the Christian Lit. Forum. The concept of the three varying bicycle types is interesting, and you have people who represent not only different age groups, but also different occupations. I read the pitch after the first chapter, so I wasn't expecting the point of view change. I wonder if it would be effective to label the changes with names, instead of only putting Joe's narration in italics; or maybe you could alternate chapters, based on who has the most to contribute about each part of the story. Starting off with the quote at the beginning may serve to lend a "journey/quest" type of feel to your work. I'm not sure that everyone will be interested in, or be able to relate to, the description of the tricycle. Also, you start off by giving this work a "big" feel, like the three of you are undertaking a significant journey. I think it'd be great if more of that feeling could come through in this first chapter. Maybe you could focus more on the individual feelings of each character. Maybe you describe their personal ambitions for wanting to take this trip...you know, things to keep that "big, epic journey" feel you started out with. Also, it's great that you're incorporating humor into your work, but if you are aiming at a Christian audience, I think your phrase "party-loving Jesus" might come off as offensive to some, even if it was meant as a joke. Best of luck with this! I'll be back to read more.
Jonie - Leave Me Asking

Peter,

Here are my comments through 4 chapters. I’m enjoying it so far and look forward to reading more! I was definitely surprised by the TIA. It did create some suspense as to what was going to happen from there. But I also agree with some of the other comments about creating a bit more mystery as opposed to more of a timeline of events.

I loved this quote in Ch. 1 – “perhaps an honest, industrious drunkard is closer to God’s heart than a straight-faced but hypocritical churchman.” Well said!

I also agree with another comment that it’s a bit confusing to figure out that Joe’s voice is in the italics. I didn’t pick up on that right away. Not sure what the best way would be to identify it, but if it could be made clearer right from the beginning, that would help.

Ch. 3 where you quote the song. Even though you have the source footnoted, I’ve read that lyrics should never be quoted in a book without the expressed permission of the songwriter. Have others heard of this caution?

Patti

The Unicyclist, The Vicar and The Paediatrician is a marvelous blend of humor, energy and imagination. I was caught off guard by its pace which, unlike many travel books, does not digress. It entertains. I reached Chapter 5 without taking any notes, a good sign for a book of this fascinating genre.

Chapter 1, with a crowd to send them off, three brave men go cycling all choosing different modes of transport. However, I needed a little more visual and background here. What were riders and their bikes like? We get a brief description but perhaps not enough. This first chapter provides less action (meaning hooks) and more detail in preparation and I can’t help wondering if the reader might like a shot of adrenalin at this important juncture. Though it isn’t a fiction book, it still deserves a little more conflict to engage the mind. For instance, you have a jammed chain. What about taking that up a notch? Surely David missed a heartbeat, heard a clunking sound, swore under his breath. Christians do. And the crows? To me, these are ominous birds, ripe for a bit of folklore and all that stuff we don’t believe in.

Chapter 2 was a roller coaster. Here we have some serious challenges which ratchet up the pace. We have one rider down with a TIA. The reader is on pins and needles, hoping the rest of the book doesn’t hinge on the success of only two cyclists. This chapter went fast for me but I still think ‘feelings and fears’ could have been addressed. In other words, how terrified would a person be if this happened? First thoughts? PTL it wasn’t worse but most patients, even with faith, would have been hampered by feelings of panic.

Chapter 3, a modified route towards the Eden Project and David’s remarkable breaking of the sound barrier at 46mph. Views of the English countryside such as Bodmin Moor could be more colorful. I have heard it described as rolling moorland, purple with heather and rough pasture, cairns, Tors, wild horses and impressive granite boulders, steeped in history. Sometimes a little description really helps those unfamiliar with the countryside to ‘see’ it better. Loved the song by Godfrey Birtill, I have the one by Michelle Tomes. Impressive observation of God’s word in Genesis ‘and it was good’ not ‘excellent’ but ‘good.’ I’d never thought of that.

Chapter 4, the Stroke Ward at Truro Hospital brings us into the harsh (and not so peaceful) environment of hospitals. But the sense of humor really strikes a chord. Imelda Marcos will forever be engraved in my mind as the ‘shoe lady’. I think she was quoted somewhere as saying she had only 1,060 shoes not the 3,000 the papers published. The reference to slums in the Philippines and the generosity of people living there will remind readers of their own times in such places and alert those who have never been. I read to chapter 5 only because of a timing issue but would have gone further.

There is a certain charm to this book that promises a pleasurable read. It is a motivational book which will inspire others to the same goals, especially for young adults. I found myself engaged due to the comical situations and the similarities of my uncle’s walking trips with his family from one end of Britain to the other. This is a book that talks of courage, perseverence and faith. It was a joy to read. I certainly recommend it.

Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs

Review of “The unicyclist, the vicar and the paediatrician”

Peter and Joe, here is my review of this novel, based on reading the first four chapters. I hope that these comments are helpful in the refinement and editing process. You’ve done a great job so far, so please take these comments with that in mind. More than happy to back the book.

Peter
[Falscastra – Journey to the King]

Overall:
A few months ago I read a very strong recommendation of the book “Bonhoeffer”, by Eric Metavas. The review of the book highlighted the incredible courage and determination that Bonhoeffer demonstrated when standing up for his Christian faith against Adolf Hitler’s rule before and during World War II. This was a stand that ultimately cost him his life.

I started reading the book with great anticipation. However the manner in which it was written and the factual method of presentation meant I quickly became bogged down. It required a conscious effort to keep going. Eventually I stopped, about one fifth of the way through. Now, I know there are fantastic truths waiting for me in that book, truths I need to read and be challenged by. But for the moment the book is sitting on my bookshelf at home unfinished, and I have now completed reading about 6 other non-fiction books since then.

I hope I am not too blunt in saying this, but I can’t help thinking that this book has similar characteristics. I know there is a great story here, the motives and purpose of the book are great, and based on the background of the authors, and their evident love of God, I know that deep down this would be a great story to read. Unfortunately based on the first four chapters, the narrative seemed to get too bogged down in detail to enable the reader (me anyway) to get caught up in the flow of the story. I admit though, I might have been trying to find a novel in this book whereas that wasn’t its intention.

I wasn’t sure what the intended audience was. A lot of the novel read like a factual diary, whereas it might have more impact and interest if it was revised into a novel, with more descriptions rather than facts. There doesn’t seem to be any suspense, or unknowns. Even the TIA is described almost in a matter of fact manner rather than a potentially fatal event. The book is interesting, there are some good comments and insights made, but I can’t see this current format appealing to my teenage sons.

In some ways the current structure is caught between a diary and a novel. I think the current content readily lends itself to a diary structure. You could start off each entry with the author (this is not always easy to work out in the current format), the location, distance travelled overall, and then describe the day’s events and, more importantly, your perceptions and feelings about the day’s event.

I read up to Chapter 4, and I still don’t know what the motivation was for undertaking this cycling journey in the first place. This made it difficult for me to get behind the riding group, to want them to achieve their objective. It would be great if in the first couple of chapters you could help the reader to learn about the dream behind the ride, even start to share the same dream, and then read how the dream comes to fruition. Even some more background to the riders would help, for example why did Joe choose to ride a unicycle?

Anyone who rides 1,000km on a bike deserves to tell their story, and I am really glad that you have done this. I’m also glad that you have included your Christian perspective in your writing, and how you make your love of God evident. I think the potential audience of this book could be greater if you took more time at the beginning of the first chapter to hook the reader, to get them on board with the purpose of the journey.

I’ve given some more detailed comments below that, as with any feedback, I ask you consider and then reject or use as you wish. I sincerely hope that continue developing this story. I wrote them down as I was reading, so I hope they make sense.

Chapter 1:
Being a dad of five children with some of them still young, my first thought when reading the tricycle was a little knee high bike with three wheels. I’m assuming this is not what you meant, since you talk afterwards of the tricycle being a miracle of modern engineering, and the complicated gearing system. Is this one of those “lying down” type of bikes?

A few times the tense seems to be out – “so Joe isn’t unique” maybe should be “so Joe wasn’t unique”.

Was the naming of specific businesses and web sites intentional?

There seems to be a lot of detail about the tricycle’s problems in chapter one. I’m waiting for the overall picture to become clearer, even what the ride is about.

While I agree about the content of the God-focused comments, I wasn’t always sure about the context. In some cases they didn’t seem totally related to the day’s events.

Chapter 2:
I don’t think it is surprising that Joe, even though fit, would need to get off and push his unicycle up a hill if people on road bikes needed to. Surely a unicycle is substantially more difficult to ride up hills than a road bike?

Was the repeated use of the words “subdued” and “determined” intentional?

Chapter 3
I wasn’t sure why your plans for the Eden project were shattered?

Chapter 4
Should “paradise” be a capital “P”, since it denotes the name of a place (Eden)?

[END]

Peter,

I’ve officially reached Devon! Oh, the ups and downs of bicycling. Your travelogue through the English countryside has been really enjoyable so far. I think my favorite parts are the personal observations of God in all you see. (God’s love for the drunkard and disdain for the hypocrite, and how we are made in His image to create and recognizing the beauty despite the brokenness of the world.

The voice of your writing has an easiness to it - a familiarity that makes one want to settle back and enjoy the ride. I chuckled several times: The pirate offering to chop off children’s heads for free and you didn’t see any evidence that anyone had taken him up on it. Funny! And “The road to Paradise… came to an abrupt end with a mammoth hill up out of St. Blazey…” Maybe not humorous at the time, but it sure reads funny.

Joe’s patient and steady observations give the reader a “real time” view of the experience while your portion looks at things in a more reflective way. The viewpoints compliment one another very well and add interest to the story.

I really am amazed at the long-suffering of your son. After so many delays and detours, I would probably have been in tears, but he was able to rise above himself and simply take in the beauty around him. I couldn’t help thinking, “Blessed is the man who perseveres until trial; for once he has been approved he will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him…” James 1:12 (I think)

And then there you are recovering from your TIA and poor David is trying to get used to his bike… I just had to share this with you: Our pastor showed a short clip of a documentary about a young man who set a goal to solo bike around the world. Only 4 or 5 kilometers into the months long ride, the guy unexpectedly and unexplainably became so tired and winded that he had to stop and rest! We all just cracked up! But after a resting a bit and downing an expresso the guy was good to go and the point was well taken. Like your trip and this kid‘s trip, life throws us some absolute clinkers that we would never have anticipated. Perseverance gets us through. (The young man made his goal) and I can’t wait to find out if you guys did too!

You’ve done a wonderful job so far!

Hope you don’t mind, I’ve included some opinionated suggestions - emphasis on opinion

Chapter one

Although I had a pretty good idea what “recumbent” was, I looked it up just to be sure. It might be helpful to the non-cyclist readers if you put a short explanation of what David’s bike is like.

In the third paragraph there were a couple long sentences. I knew what you were saying, but they just made me stumble a bit. Check this sentence in particular - “I guess the idea of a teenager riding a unicycle from Lands End to John O’ Groats is sufficiently unusual…”

For my own curiosity what is Heath-Robinson? Is that of Swiss Family Robinson fame?

“Perfect views over the sea to Longship’s lighthouse…” I wanted to know what the view was like.

Chapter two -

Check the sentence that starts “Standing up again with my bike though didn’t work, and I had to rather hastily…” Reads a little awkward.

I think that’s it for now. Your grammar and punctuation seemed good to me, but I’m not an expert on that by any means. Well, on to chapter four.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Ch. 4 I found no problems and I'm really enjoying "the ride".

Isn't it strange how, even on a cycling trip, we feel pressured to "keep up"? Why not just relax and take it as it comes?

CH.2 ... Is a TIA not the same as what is known (here in the U.S., anyway) as a "mini-stroke?"

An interesting read. I always wanted to drop everything and just travel anywhere I want. Very inspirational words and events. I highly recommend this to anyone in need of inspiration or the urge of real-life adventure. My only remark is it sounded very much like other books I have read on the same subject but with its own unique feel. Cover could use some work but besides that the content is good and flows well.

It took me a few minutes to "dope out" that it was Joe (the teenager) writing about waiting for the tricycle to be repaired. My suggestion? Before beginning a journal entry, identify the writer. ie: JOE: "Dad and David are ..." or DAVID: "Joe is having a grand time ..."

It took me a few minutes to "dope out" that it was Joe (the teenager) writing about waiting for the tricycle to be repaired. My suggestion? Before beginning a journal entry, identify the writer. ie: JOE: "Dad and David are ..." or DAVID: "Joe is having a grand time ..."

It took me a few minutes to "dope out" that it was Joe (the teenager) writing about waiting for the tricycle to be repaired. My suggestion? Before beginning a journal entry, identify the writer. ie: JOE: "Dad and David are ..." or DAVID: "Joe is having a grand time ..."

Enjoyable read, full of colour and prose.
Dramatic and strong, pithy narrative, well-written dialogue.
The dialogue is very believable, just like the characters.
Pitch, pace and powerful.
Pov add to the plot.
Full of emotion and tension, yet not too much to make reading tedious.
Good read.
Well done.