Wolfmother in White

This book totally knocked me out. It has some technical flaws, but it’s so unusual and beautiful in a disturbing way that it rises above the specifics to shine. This is exactly what the agents are talking about when they refer to looking for “a unique voice.” Nothing like this story is out there, that I know of, and if you straighten out a few things some lucky publisher is going to snap it up. It could be a very successful book, I think, and would make an amazing movie. You have something very special here, Ame.

When I read the synopsis and started reading I thought, “oh no…it’s going to be sad and distressing, I can’t read this kind of thing.” But the domestic scenes and beautiful phrases and wonderful descriptions kept popping up at just the right moments to keep me going, and before I knew it I was deeply hooked and had to keep reading. The love between mother and kids is almost Disney-esque, a pure happy innocence which juxtaposes shockingly with the junkies and the violence and the deeply sad hopelessness of the family’s homeless situation. It’s a spectacular setup. And knowing it is all true, a memoir, makes it all the more poignant and powerful.

Good luck with this, Ame. I believe you are a natural writer with a unique style, and you have created something truly outstanding.

~Gail SECRETS WE KEEP

Dear Anne,

Wolfmother is a beautiful work. I find it a very lonely and intimate narrative which brings up many important elements of our universally troubled society: drugs, poverty, and lovelessness. The exotic language that breaks into many passages is a welcome treat. It is too bad people sometimes choose drugs over the highs and rewards one may gain by reading well. Best of Luck to you and your work! Billy McBride

chap2

It is a great read because of the acuteness of your situation, the desperation. I can see why people might want a fix to escape poverty. The poverty is really strong. I don't know what it must be like. To be broke with four kids is beyond me to grasp. Another strong thread is the sudden confrontation of a life and death situation with the pregnant girl being a little like the german in the earlier chapter. How wld we be in such a tight spot we wonder as we read. The determination and resourcefulness needed must be total.

The intro was great also. I cld see the barges all lined up there and you created great atmosphere up top. I was there!! And in keeping with the 'nothing is what it seems' view of things -- with anything being possible in junkieland -- it was amusing that the ark turned out to be as much to do with mammon as Jesus.

The pitch is effective at getting across the flavour and ingredients of this story. I admit at first glance it is not the genre I usually read, and so I wonder if my comments will be useful to you. I will try.

Certainly I can sense that this story is told on good authority, and you do evoke the atmosphere vividly. There are loads of examples of imaginative, poetic language that does lift this prose above much of the writing on this site. So, even after just a few paragraphs, I know I will be getting an insider’s guide to a world I’d never see otherwise, and I will be looking through literary eyes, eyes which are also desparately looking for anything vaguely like decency. This is admirable.

What’s also admirable but painful is how Wolfmother is going to try to rise above, or at least bring a shred of humanity to all the shit that constitutes the lives of drug peddlers. The heart sinks at the prospect.

It’s going to be a hellish journey, isn’t it, for this poor woman, and I already feel sorry for her. I also like her. I worry for her kids too. So that’s how I feel as I arrive at the end of chapter one, wondering as she does, how did she get here?

This is really very well set up. It will be dark and uncompromising, this story, and whoever survives will do so against the odds. It deserves some respect.

Best wishes from
Eileen Kardos
The Noodle Trail

Your writing is one the best writing that i ever found here. You have a lot of imperative themes that need need to be exposes to the world. Poverty and drug is my main concern here. This has to be read all over everywhere.
Though i have not yet finish reading because of the bad server i have here. But i have rated six stars[outstanding]

Isoje David

Animals in Paradise

I totally agree with the comment that this is outstanding. You've got the gift! This is a total page turner. The first chapter sweeps the reader along and it carries on with the same readability. It's a grim story but not handled grimly. The characters are sympathetic. The religious folk in ch. 2 look as if they are going to be unchristian in the extreme but then come good. The wolf mother fights to save the idiot tourist's life and shields her kids from what is going on. Descriptions are brilliant too. It's like being walked round Amsterdam by a friends who is chatting to you. One small niggle right at the beginning, perhaps 'through' little fault of her own, would sound smoother.
Six stars and staying on my watchlist but I think you should get it out to agents and publishers.

This book totally knocked me out. It has some technical flaws, but it’s so unusual and beautiful in a disturbing way that it rises above the specifics to shine. This is exactly what the agents are talking about when they refer to looking for “a unique voice.” Nothing like this story is out there, that I know of, and if you straighten out a few things some lucky publisher is going to snap it up. It could be a very successful book, I think, and would make an amazing movie. You have something very special here, Ame.

When I read the synopsis and started reading I thought, “oh no…it’s going to be sad and distressing, I can’t read this kind of thing.” But the domestic scenes and beautiful phrases and wonderful descriptions kept popping up at just the right moments to keep me going, and before I knew it I was deeply hooked and had to keep reading. The love between mother and kids is almost Disney-esque, a pure happy innocence which juxtaposes shockingly with the junkies and the violence and the deeply sad hopelessness of the family’s homeless situation. It’s a spectacular setup. And knowing it is all true, a memoir, makes it all the more poignant and powerful.

Good luck with this, Ame. I believe you are a natural writer with a unique style, and you have created something truly outstanding.

~Gail SECRETS WE KEEP

An interesting read for two reasons: we follow a desperate mother battling against the odds to feed and house her family - and there is Amsterdam where anything is available, if you have the money and the nerve. The work needs editing. In particular the long sentences at the start of chap 2. Some could be broken up by getting rid of 'and' which would make for easier reading.

Camac Johnson
Untouchable

I got a strong sense of the gritty content of this book from your pitch, which is very good. There is an atmospheric air to your narrative - I could clearly visualise the seedy environment your character inhabits, from your detailed descriptions.
I think your title is excellent, original and engaging,as is your storytelling.
Best of luck,
Melissa
Lessons in the Dark

Dear Ame,
I read to Chapter Ten. I had to keep reminding myself that this was a true story. The hardship and hopelessness seemed over shadowed by the shear determination of Wolfmother to make her family life work against all the odds. Your writing style flows in a descriptive style that was a refreshing change that I have not been use to. I found not only the story interesting, but the way in which you put the descriptive words together. There was a few paragraphs where I had to read them over because I lost the story as I pushed through all the interesting descriptive words.
In chapter ten your play by play description of child birth was so right on (as a mother of six) I felt every descriptive episode her body was going through.
You have a work to be proud of, may you be successful with it!
Lynn - "The Chair"

Ame,
Trapped in a world with few options, a woman tries to survive with her brood. How apt that you`ve called her `woflmother`` with the transient lifestyle, the constant quest for food and shelter. Your narrative has a haunting quality magnified by straightforward telling, no affectation, just a hard look at life and death amid squalor. Your characters are sympathetic realists, your dialogue only when needed. Thank you so much for the mesmerizing read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

This is very hard for me to review because I was completely bowled over by it. This novel illuminates a world that most readers will have little of knowledge. Drug addicts are no different from anyone else, in that they need/want security, stability and have hopes and dreams. This story conveys these people as real and whole rather the caricatures. The choice of defining herself and family as wolves reveals the less than human aspect of living at the bottom of society. This choice was telling and distressing, particularly because the children are denied education - and because society dismisses those with addictions as less than human (no better than animals).

I was frustrated by the acceptance of this lifestyle and I wanted Wolfmother (who is clearly educated) to get out of this relationship. All my sympathy for Wolffather completely evaporated when it was revealed he hit her – yet, Wolfmother seemed not only to forgive him these terrible weaknesses, but love him despite of this.

The one thing I really want to know and what kept me reading (and disappointed I had reached the end of the extract) was how she ended up in this situation. I do hope this is revealed as I desperately want to understand her choices and why she seems unable to do better for her children.

I don’t feel able to review this in the conventional way. I don’t want to. This is what it is. A unique insight into a subculture, I have very little understanding of. The narrative voice is utterly compelling and the descriptions of Amsterdam incredibly clear and visual.
I am so sorry I cannot offer more in the way of a critique, but I think I would need to read it all first (which I would happily do, just message me).

Thank you for an enlightening read. I do hope it ended happily, but I worry that the children will repeat the pattern of the parents and become the next generation of those scrabbling for survival in a sea of addiction and poverty.

Addiction is such a complex issue for all societies – this novel certainly reveals this hidden issue, but also reveals that this is a subculture with its own rules, norms and population as diverse as mainstream society. There is no one fix – what brings people to this point of existence is as individual as the people themselves.

I have managed to read 3 chapters and I can say that Wolfmother in White is a very interesting book. The first chapter in particular was very graphic in describing the world of drugs and how people come to be in it through poverty and other circumstances, not always by choice. The scene where Wolfmother is trying to resuscitate the German is very disturbing. I could almost see it in my head. Your writing style is quite distinctive and suits the content of this novel. One thing I would say is the old writer's quote 'show don't tell' For example the statement of 'This story had a tragic aftermath' This doesn't need to be stated so boldly as by reading the next paragraphs it is clear that a tragedy has occured and the reader doesn't need to be told. Well done.

Kim (Pain)

This first chapter just pulled me in. The tension created in the scene with the German on the floor, the children in the next room and the Wolfmother refusing to give up is quite amazing. I'm not sure what I want to happen next. I guess there will be the story of how she got to this point, but I'm also hoping to see where she goes next. I feel I'm rooting for her - which I didn't necessarily expect after reading the pitch.
Fascinating! High stars and I'll be back to see what happens.
Kate
The Licenser

The pitch of the book is constructed brilliantly and the story of the book is one that has the ability to hook the reader to go through more of it. You have tried well to throw light on social issues like poverty, hunger, drugs etc and all these things when put together make the book a valuable read. You have done well to bring to focus the problems and troubles of the society and thats too in an impressive and fascinating way. The way you have shown the charachter of wolfmother is very compelling and it shows your concern to tell the world that people like your protagonist are needed to put an end the miseries of the world by helping people as much as they can. I will be reading more but the overall tone of the book is much sound and highly starred. I will be coming back to give more comments after reading more of it.

i am putting you book on my WL Ame and will come again to comment after couple of days.

I like your prose, and transition. The work is very colorful and expresses the heartache and problems of addicition and greed. Wolfmother is a book well worth reading, and I am hoping to read everything that you have written.

This a is very original, bold and intriguing read. Very direct, almost harsh. It really pulls the reader along. Wow. Six stars from me.

Hi there - just about to embark on reading your book...I lived in Amsterdam for 25 years and already I can feel the atmosphere in your words...

Check out my story Slow Poison for another viewpoint...

All the best, Cas

this book is affective. poverty is depressing. the reader is cheering for a good outcome from so much sacrifice...
j
what every woman should know

Dear Anne,

Wolfmother is a beautiful work. I find it a very lonely and intimate narrative which brings up many important elements of our universally troubled society: drugs, poverty, and lovelessness. The exotic language that breaks into many passages is a welcome treat. It is too bad people sometimes choose drugs over the highs and rewards one may gain by reading well. Best of Luck to you and your work! Billy McBride

Ame, read this all through. Find it impossible to be critical. The material is so raw and powerful, and the detail speaks volumes. I will try and come back to give it the critical eye - meanwhile, thanks for an unforgettable read - Frances.

The story took me through the journey of pain that we as women know just too well. Wobedrful and well done.Keep it up.
Josphine
Notime goes bye-short stories

Ame
I read the first chapter of your Wolfmother and found it fasinating. If the rest of the book is as good as the opening chapter you have a sure fire winner here. I have starred it highly and put on my WL until I get space to shelve it. All the best.
Brian.

I read your first three chapters.

General comments: A touching start. Wolfmother is a strong, fascinating woman. I want to see how things turn out for her. Stunning descriptions. A strong sense of place. Spiked with tension. Crisp pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... which is commonly reffered to as LIFE.' There's no need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean to imply with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics or an exclamation mark to emphasize words.
2) ' ... fluid and streaming 24 hours a day.' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases where you should spell out numbers.
3) "He's big, aren't you mate, you can take it." Comma after 'you.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases in the three chapters I read where you address someone in dialogue, but didn't offset their name or title with commas.
4) "I havn't had none this morning and I feel it." 'Havn't' should be 'haven't.'
5) "I need a crank myself, if you don't mind, I'm going to the bathroom." and he disappeared ... Capitalize 'and.'
6) "Better have a couple now, we might not get another chance, if he's had it for good." Bob remarks ... Comma after 'good.' 'Bob remarks' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation).
7) 'Being bright-eyed and bushy-tailed' is cliche. Consider writing a fresher description.

Specific comment on the second chapter:
1) Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness.

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) ' ... admonished the others to play nicely till mum got back, ... ' Capitalize 'mum.' When a kinship term is used as a name it becomes a proper noun and is capitalized.
2) "Jasmine, no, no!" She yelled, ... 'She' should be lowercase. 'She yelled' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a person's name).
3) 'My kids need me!!!!' There is no need to use muliple exclamation marks. Using multiple exclamation marks is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean to imply with four exclamation marks. You don't want that. One exclamation mark will suffice.
4) 'It could have been YOU floating away, ... ' For the reason mentioned above (in the comments for the first chapter), there is no need to write in all caps. Use italics or an exclamation mark to emphasize words.

I hope these comments help you further polish you all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a marvelous day, Ame.

Al

One word.....Outstanding!

Shaloam Hodge

Wolfmother and her children are living in a tragic place, providing shelter for addicts and dealers in her miserable Amsterdam apartment. How she has ended up in such a state is a mystery and I read on in order to learn the background of the family. At the end of chapter two, where Wolffamily have a chance of a place to live, I am left wondering, why is the family going to the circus and to the Queen's street parties when they should be looking for work? I am under the impression that Rene is just letting them stay on the houseboat in return for them renovating it. This story flows well, except there are places where a bit of editing would help the clarity. Wolfmothers grim determination to survive and provide for her children is apparent. A fascinating account of lives lived in survival mode. Highly starred and backed.

Karen 19
The Way Things Are

The storyline is constructed with absolute brilliance. For example, Wolfgang's arrival and the collapse related dialogue coupled with the "step-away" description of Wolfmother expressed in third person blends perfectly. The absolute realism of the writing makes the nonfiction come alive for this reader. I plan to return to read more but first I want to get this work up on my shelf. Backed. Chuck

I like the opening chapter although I did feel a little loss with who was who. So many people introduced at once, and it isn’t really clear how all are connected. By the end of the second chapter I was a little loss as to where the husband was and I also never had an understanding or I missed where wolfmother is from.

As a biography, I’ve never read anything quite like this and do sense the desperation in the narrative and would be very interested to read on to find out what happens to this family.

I would like to know for certain if this wolfmother’s birth country early on – and also as the husband appears to be in both chapters – a clearer picture of him – the first two chapters show the issue at hand and hopefulness of this life and I get the sense wolfmother is just roaming from place to place – but I thought there is a bit of clarification lacking in the narrative. – for example we know she was a midwife – why no job, what is the husband doing while all this stuff is happening in the second chapter.

I noticed you do have some issues with punctuation, but your narrative voice is as such, that I don’t feel comfortable playing with something I’m not an expert at. At some stage I would suggest you get someone who is more knowledgeable and can deal with longer structured sentences and clauses such as you have presented. I also can write in a similar fashion, and my solution has been to alter the sentence structure to a place I do know if its right or wrong, but that is something we need to be very careful with, otherwise we ruin the voice – and your voice comes through the piece nicely.

I’ve made some nitpics as I read below, which might like to consider when you do further edits.

Ch1

And they’re not the only ones. Amsterdam is a haven for international traffic of various goods and services. ---- although in context this sentence might imply illegal various goods and services it isn’t clear that is what you mean. Haven – a safe place implies it to some degree – if you mean illegal – I’d slot the word in there somewhere.

Just across the road is an iron-wrought bridge, and the next encounter, only yards past the tourist kiosks, ----you don’t need that ‘just’ at the start of the sentence

Pleasure cruise-boats, nicely painted and decorated, line up along the stone walls as invitation to see everything from a different angle and become water-born. ----- I don’t quite get the image you are painting as in why the boats are line along the stone walls – I wonder if they are in the water or a boat yard – also you need an ‘an’ between ‘as’ and ‘invitation’ eg….walls as AN invitiation
Suddenly, one of the runners approaches and smiles :

”You want a hotel? You want some brown?” In response to the slightest hint of willingness he will take the lead, racing ahead, shouting: “This way, follow me, it's not far”, while nervously looking around and despite this being a fairly warm day he hops from one foot to the other, and then he scratches his nose which is already red and swollen as he seems to be nursing a cold. ----- I don’t get why he is hoping from one foot to the other – is he agitated? It isn’t clear.

"Turn left here" -----need a comma before the end of the quote – here,”

is the next call, and ahead is the red light district with kebab shops and cannabis smoking cafes, as well as the famous windows a little further down the road. ----I know the windows you are speaking of – but other people might not –

56 steps up and a creaking wooden door opens, ---- I think you need to spell out the number 56 – fifty-six steps

The children share a tiny room at the end and the door is closed so that they cannot see inside the big room. ------what children? If you remove the ‘The” before children – we understand just children – the children implies we already know who they are

"You better try one first," he mumbles and chooses a half-size from his collection. The German's eyes are glinting, but he seems disappointed : -----just a full stop there instead of :

"Stay in your room, darlings, we're busy" ---- fullstop before the quote
beat by beat, 15 times,-----fifteen

And we cannot just get rid of the body without anyone noticing. ----I’ve noticed now you’ve twiced used ‘cannot’ and I think it sounds a little awkward without contractions eg can’t ‘ when she is using it elsewhere in dialogue

From time to time one of them takes over for a few minutes to give her a rest, but their efforts are unconvincing and almost pitiful, ----- why ‘almost’? you don’t need the almost – they are pitiful

"Better have a couple now, we might not get another chance, if he's had it for good." -----comma

Wolfmother didn't look round. -----consider showing what does do not what she didn’t’ – what is she seeing?

As long as the children were ok she would carry on, and she did. For over 2 hours ---- two instead of 2

Bounce, bounce, bounce. -----I’m not sure it is clear what that means

"Oh, Wolfgang, I'm so glad to see you!!" Wolfmother shouts, "you were rather poorly for a while. In fact, we thought, that you might even die." ----didn’t they think he had died – and also here I don’t think the dialogue rings true….would she really say – In fact? – consider removing it – and I thought poorly sat their oddly.

"One doesn't die that quickly" -----comma before the quote

"That's a miracle," Bob admits dryly. ------ why dryly?

"Norman, you better take him down the stairs. I'll give you an extra free bolletje, if you discard of him in a safe place outside, a couple of roads away from here. We don't want any aftermath, if you can manage that?"

Norman stretches his hand out, and the desired plastic ball drops into it. He used to be an officer in the

British army, he knows how to steady a man and make him walk along, even if he has legs like jelly. ----it isn’t clear who that last ‘he’ refers to – normal all the man’s legs are like jelly?

"Are you ok? Did you see anything?" -----it isn’t clear who says this or who she is saying it to

"We saw that man on the floor, and you punching him. Was there something wrong?" ----or if this are the kids

And quietly she registers that 100 guilders have been added to the household budget. ---- don’t understand
what the last line means – do you mean because the German paid for the drugs? It isn’t clear

Ch2

The harbour of Amsterdam is a busy waterway, not as big as other cities', ----- you don’t need the apostrophe on cities

going. Unusual, however, is the collection of 'houseboats' ---- you don’t need the single quotes on houseboats

Others are in a sad state of existence, in need of repair and obviously lacking the necessary attention, crying out for a serious overhaul concerning their dilapidated iron struts, salt-eaten planks and crumbling paint-work. ---- you don’t need ‘obviously’ or ‘necessary’

This one has all sorts of nations' colours, French, Australian, German, Japanese, Greek and Italian, and please, note the truly outstanding name!

But anything has to be tested in a bad situation. ---- do you mean ‘everything’ instead of ‘anything’

of insight, when the little door at the end of the nave opened for them to take a look what was ---- need to ‘take a look AT what was’

In the morning a sobbing Wolfmother carried her bags and babies and before she left, went to Richard to beg him to let them stay. ---what’s the husband carrying? – where is he during all this?

Hope something is of assistance. Good luck with this.

And amazing story and book, so well written, tough reading for me as an old softy, made a mental note keep away from Amsterdam. even so for many this is excellent and well worth the read. On my shelf with pleasure.

Portraits Of A Small Peasant.

Hello Ame--
book- Wolfmother-
Read you pitch with great interest and came in to sample the city of sin ;Amsterdam- as I have heard some people say' Wow, this is some story. gritty, rough , yes' the life of people living on drugs is all laid out bare, in this
down to earth book of yours. Found it to me most informative, does not encourage me to visit in any way' with as you say ; people eyeing you as you get off trains, bus's and inviting you to places for a quick fix and lots more.
You have done a very good job of explaining the hardship and worries that you suffer'
recommended in it's genre
highly rated;
perhaps it's a film in waiting; having just seen a highly rated one 'Shame' ;
tom bye
from hugs to kisses'
obliged if you could glance at some of my story; thanks

Ame,

A very compelling and disturbing story told in a wonderful flowing style.

I only read the first chapter, but was held by the struggle of the poor German, and Wolfmother's determination to keep such tragedy from her door.

I spotted one thing that felt wrong:
"For over two hours she pounced that chest up and down..." surely you meant "pounded" rather than "pounced"?

Best regards
Warrick

this is interesting, original, and written with a clear style that has its own pace. works very well indeed...
l will back...
read SEASONS...

Just finished Chapter 10 - brilliant! And glad I got you writing again. Your description of the diamond "industry" was right on and the description of the baby's birth - wow - can't believe you did that without something to numb. my hat goes off to you. I'm just wondering, are you still married to the father of your children after all you've been through? ~Kady

New cover AME. You know that 'wolf' looks suspiciously like one I might find down in the glades. Nice teeth though. RT

OK I've read most of Chapter 1 (would read it all but I've got work early in the morning and it's 9:00 now), and I have to say I'm sympathetic with your story. I've a brother who lives in Amsterdam and takes marijuana (nothing more serious), and have seen firsthand how drugs can affect people. I'm not unacquainted with poverty either. So I fully enjoy the "angle" of your story. However, I think you do need to pay some attention to your use of punctuation, certain aspects of grammar, and other things (which I have listed along with a number of suggestions below.) Your usage of numbers (i.e. 56, 20, 200) is unusual - recommend changing to letters (fifty-six, twenty, two hundred.) Also: why is this story told in present tense? I found that a little distracting. Nearly all books are written in past tense, and the present is really only used when told from a first-person perspective. This is third-person, but, strangely, I wasn't sure who the POV was - is it Wolfmother? Bob? Giving some insight into the main character's thoughts would help dispel this confusion, which you do occasionally. However, such self-reflection is not very easily done in present tense, unless, of course, it's first person. All this said, I did enjoy the idea and the morality behind your tale (showing us the plight behind drugs and poverty, and the inextricable link between the two), and I would continue reading, if you could only sort these issues out. Wish you all luck with it.

"Just cross the road" - surely "Just across the road"

"24hours a day" - this is a bit jarring, you don't usually see hours given numerically in fiction. (Unless a specific time, i.e. 9.15). So change to "twenty-four hours a day"

should "red light district" be all lower-case? Because it's a famous location I've seen it presented "Red Light District"

"56 steps up" - "fifty-six steps"

"sparsely lit" - hyphenate: "sparsely-lit"

"the rest is plunged in shadow and mystery" - I LOVE this phrase!

"so that they cannot see inside the big room" - "so they cannot see inside..." - I think this flows better without the "that." Matter of personal taste.

"havn't got a clue" - spell "haven't"; I think this sentence would flow better if: "They're playing and they haven't a clue what is going down."

"'Hello, nice to meet you...'" - Not sure if it's just me but I'm not exactly who's speaking here - is it Norman or the regular runner? Insert a simple "Norman said" or "the runner said" after "nice to meet you" to clarify this a bit.

"but he seems disappointed :'What, that small?'" - I think you might want to change the colon to a more straightforward full-stop; also you need to check the appearance of the punctuation here.

"'Bob, you know how strong your stuff is, don't let him have it all at once', but the silver paper is out..." - There are two ways to present this sentence better. Either "'Don't let him have it all at once'; but the silver paper..." (change the comma to a semi-colon), or a more straightforward "'don't let him have it all at once.' However, the silver paper is out..."

"coughs and splatters" - think this should be "splutters." Unless you chose "splatters" for a reason and think that's more suitable.

"15 stone weight" - "fifteen-stone weight"

"master at his craft" - how about "master of his craft" ?

"'You should have become a doctor'" - how about "'You should've been a doctor'"

"Staying life- and motionless" - I think this is tautology, since "lifeless" and "motionless" are basically the same thing; although a dead body can spasm when it is dead, especially (I would imagine) after a massive drug overdose. Just change to "motionless." We've already established the guy's dead.

"with no breathing efforts" - you've already said he's not breathing at all, and in the last sentence you said he was lifeless and motionless, so I don't think we need this!

"A couple of minutes have passed and she is getting concerned" - This is really a question of logic. Is "concerned" the right word for a woman who has just witnessed a murder? (Or manslaughter - we'll leave that debate to the jury.) A murder in which, as a bystander, she is effectively complicit? I think "scared s***less" would be closer to how must people would feel!

"'I don't want them to see this,' and then she begins..." - As with a few cases before, I this sentence would be better if you ended it at "see this" with a full-stop, and started the next: "Then she begins to push the ribcage"

"... who obliges and is willing to resuscitate" - "rescuscitate" is a big word and it stands out on the page; you used it in the previous paragraph. Use a synonym: "revive." Better yet, lose the rest of that sentence. Cut to "she says to Bob, who obliges." It's already been said that the German is a tourist novice who they have accidentally killed by an overdose. Don't need to repeat information.

"After a while of doing this" - how about "After a while of this" or "After a bit of this". It's extra verbiage.

"'I need a crank myself, if you don't mind, I'm going to the bathroom.'" and he disappears. You need to insert more "he said/she said" into these bits of dialogue. Also, I think that dialogue could be broken up. "'I need a crank myself, if you don't mind,' he said. "I'm off to the bathroom.'" He disappears, leaving Wolfmother with the cold victim and Norman..." - also, before you had "Wolf-mother" (hyphenated), here one word, "Wolfmother." Which one are you going to stick to? I prefer the latter, I think it looks better.

"Now Wolfmother is on the brink of losing her cool :" - I think "losing her cool" is a bit trite, just "losing it" works. Also, change that colon to a full-stop.

"'Shut up Norman, and look for yourself, I'm not leaving this guy.'" - again, more dialogue breaks. You want to convey here also a sense of the "tone" with which she is speaking. She might be close to losing her cool but how does she react? Is she icily cold, apparently calm? Or she is an angry bitch who snaps a lot? "'Shut up, Norman, and look for yourself,'" she snaps. 'I'm not leaving this guy.'"

"'It would take more than three people to achieve that.'" - change "achieve" to "do", most people wouldn't use "achieve" in normal speech. Also, *at least* three people to carry a 15-stone weight down the stairs? Maybe, if they were all petite women. But not if they were men. My brother and I were able to lift our Dad two feet off the ground and he weighs at least 16 stone; we're both six-footers but neither of us is exceptionally strong. CHange to: "That'll be no easy task.'"

"'don't bother me no more'" - okay, this seems a bit out-of-place compared to her earlier speech. In a previous passage she sounded highly intelligent and educated, using such words as "resuscitated." This is working-class speech, "don't bother me no more." How about just: "Don't bother me." Or "stop bothering me."

"With these words" - think you can lose this. "She keels back and leaves the men to their own devices" - that's better, but instead of "leaves the men to their own devices" (which seems a bit jarring, to me), "leaves the men to get on with it." After all, we know what those "devices" are - dealing with the dead body!

"their efforts are unconvinced" - think you mean "unconvincing"

"as they are sure that the man is dead and nothing would bring him back to life" - another tautology. Once a man is dead, and has been "dead" a few hours, he can't be brought back to life! Trim that whole passage down. "Their efforts are unconvincing and almost pitiful. They are certain that the man is dead."

"nicely sedated" - I like this phrase but you are painting a rather callous picture of "Bob" here, even under the influence of hash how could be so blase about his situation? But then I've never taken it (and don't intend to) so I have no idea how human beings are under the effect.

"For over 2 hours" - again, change this. "For over two hours." It looks strange.

"not as long as she had a breath in her body" - how about: "not as long as she had a breath to fight it" ?

"where all hope seemed futile" - I don't think "futile" is the right word for this context, how about "in vain" ?

"Bob remarked with a slur in his speech" - this doesn't fit, imo; much better would be: "Bob mumbles, a slur in his speech."

"200 guilders" - "Two hundred guilders"

"and the two helped themselves" - how about "and the duo helped themselves" ?

"'He won't miss that, will he?'" - who says this? Not Bob. You need to state. i.e. "Wolfmother said"

"Her efforts were starting to falter" - I think "starting to fail" sounds better. Even better: "Her efforts weren't working, her head was in a spin, and she was about ready to collapse here, now, with a cadaver lining her floor..."

"4 children" - "four children"

"an almighty snort from the depth of his lungs" - how about "almighty gust" ?

"she stopped instantly" - not a flowing end to this sentence. "all of a sudden she stopped"

"Prayers answered? It couldn't, could it?" - sorry, doesn't understand this. How about: "An answer to her prayers? Was it? It couldn't be, could it?

"There was movement, there was an arm twitching, there were more breaths and she winced:" - trim this sentence back a bit. "There was movement; an arm twitching; more sporadic breaths; and she winced." End this sentence with a full-stop, a colon isn't right.

"'He's come round, he's done it, he's alive.'" - "He's come round," she exclaimed with relief. "He's done it! He's alive!" - I think in a scenario like this an exclamation-mark *is* called for!

This is very strange - until now the whole chapter has been narrated in present tense. In the last paragraph there was an abrupt change to past tense. Now we're back to present again. Recommend staying the whole time in *one* tense. Personally, I don't like using present tense and I think this story would work better narrated in past, as most stories are - changing this couldn't be too difficult, just a matter of making alterations to every verb.

"'He's not dead after all, well, I never,'" says Rob - ok, even heavily sedated, wouldn't you expect Bob to say something more DRAMATIC?! I think you could get away with a swear-word or blasphemy in this sentence. "Jesus Christ! What the hell?! He's not dead after all?" - come on, liven it up a bit!

"'Should we put his money back?' is Norman's concern" - sorry, but this is just good grammar. Maybe, if the story were narrated in past tense you could get away with: "was Norman's concern"; but I recommend changing to: "'Should we put his money back?' Norman wonders; but before they can discuss the ins and outs..." Note the sentence-breaking usage of a semi-colon instead of a comma there.

WOLF MOTHER
I’ve only been to Amsterdam once but I remember the crowd at the train station and so many people offering a place to stay or “something other” so I really felt at home with this story. You have a good main character in Wolf Mother. She’s knowledgeable about what she’s doing and certainly persistent, trying to resuscitate someone for two hours. Made me like her a lot. Overall, the story is a great inside look into how down people can sink because of drugs. Makes this both an enjoyable and informative read. I’m adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Dear Ame

I have read the first three chapters of your biography, "Wolfmother".

What stunning writing, which paints such vivid pictures of a gain here, a loss there, all the while set against a backdrop reminiscent of Vermeer...talent and squalor, loss and joy all mixed together and articulated with a heart breaking honesty.

Here there are no easy answers. It is the mix of moral ambiguity and beautifully observed scenes that makes your story so compelling. Your writing is perfectly pitched and paced.

Highly starred and on my WL. All the very best to you.

Fran

Your pitch is quite a pull to your book. Your first line is a great hook. And your first paragraph intriguing, with themes of drugs, poverty and presumably the central character, a victim. I've put it on my Watch List. Looking forward to reading it.

You might find God of the Cocoa an interesting read.

Best of Luck,
Marilyn

Ame -
An insightful take on an all-too-real problem. The story is compelling – you have your readers mourning the injustices depicted long after they stop reading.

It’s not an easy book to read, but I would definitely call it a page-turner. It is powerful writing as you deftly carry your reader along with the twists and turns of the story, its overall depth and reality. Your characterization is strong, the plot well-paced and the dialogue believable. You treat sensitive issues with care. I commend you on your writing and wish you the very best with your work.
jennifer

I agree with Diana, this isn't my type of genre. But I really like how you precisely described your book in your plot. Even though it is not my type of genre, the way you have described everything in your plot, it makes me want to read your book !

This isn't really the sort of thing I'd pick up in the bookshop, so it's hard to comment on the content.
However, the writing is clear and interesting, and there's plenty of pace.

I'll give it a spin on my shelf.

Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

The pitch is effective at getting across the flavour and ingredients of this story. I admit at first glance it is not the genre I usually read, and so I wonder if my comments will be useful to you. I will try.

Certainly I can sense that this story is told on good authority, and you do evoke the atmosphere vividly. There are loads of examples of imaginative, poetic language that does lift this prose above much of the writing on this site. So, even after just a few paragraphs, I know I will be getting an insider’s guide to a world I’d never see otherwise, and I will be looking through literary eyes, eyes which are also desparately looking for anything vaguely like decency. This is admirable.

What’s also admirable but painful is how Wolfmother is going to try to rise above, or at least bring a shred of humanity to all the shit that constitutes the lives of drug peddlers. The heart sinks at the prospect.

It’s going to be a hellish journey, isn’t it, for this poor woman, and I already feel sorry for her. I also like her. I worry for her kids too. So that’s how I feel as I arrive at the end of chapter one, wondering as she does, how did she get here?

This is really very well set up. It will be dark and uncompromising, this story, and whoever survives will do so against the odds. It deserves some respect.

Best wishes from
Eileen Kardos
The Noodle Trail

chap4
I can see 'the green murky waters' and hear the 'Sultans of Swing' Like the intellectual observation quality of 'grow into nice men and women one day' Also like the observations on tourists up top and how you slide neatly into the observations on begging. This is a line that captures a mood that was in the earlier pieces too: Those were happy unbelievable days of great joy ... marvellous! But then this is the exact opposite '...several dozen blows ... ' beige concealment and lips all bitten, pireced and crusted' Love this description '...incidental street installations ...' You made me see that nun! No food/no children is a great philosophical insight.

Chap3
Firstly, it's a great read I am enjoying it. Here's why
1) it's astonishing to the present day mind-set which is soooo protective and cloyingly careful over every microscopic detail of life ... you and your kids had, among the poverty and uncertainty, an astonishing freedom

2) the writing ... you come up with some delightful dabs and descriptions -- a maze of solemn solidity -- a thousand whispered tales from forgotten decades -- the lingering silence of a dreamy narrow -- (this esp) a vast museum of giant dolls houses ... (this esp) ... everlasting imbalance -- like green umbrellas -- holes in geography -- canal symphony -- an invisible arrow of rejection

3) the atmosphere ... I felt like the city were almost a brain and you were a thought rolling through it

4) story-telling ... there is a clear sense in the chapters I've seen so far of progressing from the surface of things i.e. amst, down into the lives of the dammned and then through them into the wolf-family behind them, so to speak ... this happens in this chapter at the precise moment you shift from the street cars (real motion) into the emotional motion that the word Desire evokes. Then we get to the drivers behind much much human activity ... diamonds, sex, drugs'. The glimpse of figures at their drug interactions gives a little thrill of the dammned naughtiness of it all. What a contrast to the dolls houses. It is surreal There is then an intense glimpse of the damned in the passage which links the teachers stick with the police stick, authority beating down on a different approach to life, both damnable for different reasons perhaps.

5) Wolfmother European fairytale ambiance ... this is really your voice ... it is really, really strange and compelling because, at least for me, it is the authentic voice of the European tradition, wolves feature sooooooo often ... Rome/little red riding hood/ the three little piggies house ... the wolf is also fascinatingly ambivalent ... strong and at times dangerous ... we talk of lone wolves, outsiders, etc There is a dark side to your Wofmother also ... she is fiercely protective, but she also leads her kids into peril ... WM has literally stepped out of the European tradition. The empty purse passage, the porridge, the grumbling stomachs ... all signify folk stories in some way. And the image of WM trotting off to see the rich man's wife is part of it. The dolls houses of earlier are an apt setting to the fairytale, yet when we realise WM had a buggy with her up those 3 flights of stairs we realise this ain't no fairytale, this is real No sooner do we think it is real, than we have the swan. (Maybe the spirit of Rene's wife? the swan certainly symbolises something ... a harbinger of good luck with a fierce beak) (Wolves and swans also have heraldic connotations and take us into medieval Europe). Earlier, the old Opel is a great dab as it literally used micro motion to drive, literally, the story along, from the confection of a city to a backwater retreat.

6) Emotional content ... back to reality ... no mother reading the last section with not be right there with you over that pram pushing mishap ... they will envy the freedom of it all ... esp the real joy of getting the stove going and the food, the emotional ups ... but they might also think hmmm, wldn't let my kids go out near a canal with one kid pushing another in a buggy ... but what was WM to do, she has 4 and can't keep them all locked up ... mother readers will totally freak at the thought of their own kids heading for the water. Very emotional all that ... and the package about the shoe is very emotional ... the passage about Rene's lost child, esp after his charity earlier.

7) action ... the German flat on his back, the woman bleeding, WMs frantic rush ...

chap2

It is a great read because of the acuteness of your situation, the desperation. I can see why people might want a fix to escape poverty. The poverty is really strong. I don't know what it must be like. To be broke with four kids is beyond me to grasp. Another strong thread is the sudden confrontation of a life and death situation with the pregnant girl being a little like the german in the earlier chapter. How wld we be in such a tight spot we wonder as we read. The determination and resourcefulness needed must be total.

The intro was great also. I cld see the barges all lined up there and you created great atmosphere up top. I was there!! And in keeping with the 'nothing is what it seems' view of things -- with anything being possible in junkieland -- it was amusing that the ark turned out to be as much to do with mammon as Jesus.

Chapter 1
........... it's a brilliant read ... once I got reading i was hooked (to the read that is) ............... here are my impressions .............. Firstly, I have led a sheltered life and so there is a certain excitement about reading about the wild side of life. i have never been that sensuous and abandoned to sensual pleasure. I have no idea what drives people in the arms of H and other offerings. It is all a mystery to me. Secondly, as a Brit there is always something sort of otherly about European settings and ways. Of course what you describe cld easily have happened in Hackney or Edinburgh. But there is a romance about places like Amsterdam and Hamburg. They just seem down right dirtier in the depths of their abandonment. Thirdly, There is something timeless about the whole scene, a sort of medieval visceralness somehow. You cld be describing a medieval torture or other wildness. Fourthly, the writing and Wolfmother's tone has a distinct voice of strength and control. Fifthly, the drama. From the outset we can see the station and runner. We have all been tourists and rubbed shoulders with the wild side. is that why people do it I wonder? The thrill of doing what they shouldn't? Sixthly, the event. We can see the naive German. He is such a fool. We, even we who have never been near H, know that you can't overload like that. The rapid turn of events is very captivating. What a crisis. We are there. We cld be in the shoes of any of them depending on our nature. Seventhly, the dark humour. It is just really funny, Bob the proud professional, Norman the self-centred underling. What a mix of characters! And, the dark, dark, dark humour of the little faces at the door. I know it is not humorous. But equally it is, because the whole set up is just bizarre! And then the dead guy just snorts and gets up!!! These are the lines I like most:
-- stay in your rooms darlings, we're busy
-- he's a master at his craft
-- when can I have my Bolletje?
-- I need a crank myself
-- Good quality brown
-- After all he's got to pay me
-- an almighty snort
-- Bob admits drily

Gritty and desperate, you have painted a picture so compelling it has to be highly starred. You write intensley and believably.
sheila

Might b too much reality for general readers... anyone looking a little deeper, that has any other interest in life, other than the mad dash to make lots of money may , learn something....

It has reality... love... fear... beauty... and in a strange way......peace... dont listen to the no's Amy... Write on Brother (in your case Sister)

A story that is full of tension, which grips the reader right at the start.
You paint a dark picture and yet it still appears full of colour.
The characters are strong and the plot flows and is fluent.
The language you use blends in well and add to the narrative.
You writing appears dream like in its quality, which lends well to the subject that you are writing about.
Pov is perfect and dialogue fills out your scenes brilliantly.
A good read and I will rate this high.
Well done.

Hi again,

Read the eighth chapter and another baby is on the way which means another mouth to feed. Can't
imagine living from hand to mouth during winter months and I can see the red hands of the little ones
and can feel the cold. Good job painting a picture. I feel like I'm there and I'm wondering, "Where's that baby going to be delivered!"

Very interesting and well written and I found myself thinking, but by the grace of God go I. I found myself curious about the 2 missing years. Where were they--what were they doing? And I understand their need to beg at times, but why weren't they also looking for fulltime work? Did they not have family elsewhere they could live with to help with the children while they worked? High stars for you - Kady Colter, Shakespeare's Pink Cadillac

Wolfmother.
By Ame Wren.


This is about the nearest you could get to living on the edge...Amsterdam with a family, no means of income or regular place to live but getting by just the same.
Wolfmother has a knack of coming up with something when times are hard, Wolffather’s content to let her do the thinking...wise, she’s cleverer than him and well versed in the art of begging.
I felt the need to protect the children, not the best environment to bring them up in, drugs etc. close at hand.
It’s the lack of money and thrill of finding the next meal that keeps the book alive.
I enjoyed it reading it from a safe distance; it’s well written and interesting.
Thought the chapter lengths were about right, they keep the book flowing. They did for me anyway.
All in all I rather like your book and would have been content to read on if there were more to read.
Quite happy to star rate it on the high side.

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

I really like the gritty nature of this story. It's real life with nothing sanitized and to boot well written. I shall keep reading.

Richard Allen
'Suicide Vacation'