Different Victims

Hi, there – this is your BHCG review from AudreyB. As you may know, I am accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. Whatever you don’t agree with was likely her doing.

Your pitches tell me I’m in for a sweeping epic, with characters from locations across the globe.

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
Your story begins with slow-moving images and even slower moving characters. It sets a sort of moody, bleak tone that matches the dissatisfaction of the lives of the characters. I can picture the scene unfolding on the big screen in muted colors, with a jarring, cacophonic soundtrack.

“Immediately he entered, the store owner eyed him, suspicion etched upon his face.” This is too much telling. Consider this: “As Farhaz entered the store, a tall/short/gaunt/pale/sunburned man wearing a nametag eyed him and moved closer.”

The two opening chapters seem to occur long before the pitches. (I have this problem myself). I don’t see much of a connection between what’s noted in the pitches and any of the details in the first two chapters. This could be remedied by allowing the reader access to the thoughts and feelings of Ray and Farhaz.

I have a hard time with the conversation between Ray and Penny because I’m American and am still a bit shocked that the government can pull this man out of his home. I like that he wants to be at home, and to me, Penny’s arguments ring false. If this is such a great system, why does she need to bully him?

The transformation from Farhaz, disaffected street kid to Farhaz, devout Muslim, happens too quickly. I think we need to see how the Imam speaks to him, witness a few scenes where we can compare the relationship of Ray and Farhaz, built on a shared love of music, to the relationship between the Imam and Farhaz, which is based on anger and distrust.

Characters/Characterization
I’d like to know more about Ray in these two early chapters. What is he thinking? What is he wearing, besides the jacket hung on a small wire hanger? Does he shuffle due to a disease, like Parkinson’s, or is he in pain?

I like the way you’ve drawn Farhaz. He’s not interested in school but we see that it’s probably a terrible school. He’s kind to the girl from the Children’s Home. He’s always on the lookout for opportunity.

I’d love more nuanced descriptions of these characters. As I write this, I’m struck by the number of people Ray and Farhaz have encountered. But I know almost nothing about them. Britain is as multi-cultural as the US, but I’m not getting much insight into the backgrounds or circumstances of these characters.

Point of View/Voice
You’ve got a sort of limited omniscience here. I think you could use the POV to give us more information about what the characters are feeling and thinking.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader
I like the distant style of this work.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
“Asian-owned…” I think you can be more descriptive here. I am not sure if the store is an Asian grocer that carries goods imported from China and Japan and Thailand, or if the owners just happen to be Asian. I suspect this is one of those UK/US deals, but an Asian-owned grocery store in my neighborhood caters to my many Asian neighbors. I think what you are describing is a derelict store that just happens to be owned by an Asian person or family. I think it would be more interesting to show us the owner sweeping the sidewalk out front, or shelving groceries. You could observe that the woman who opens the bag is the owners wife. And I suspect that ‘Asian’ may include more countries than I’ve identified.

“Nervously, they eyed…” I had to read a couple of times to decide if ‘they’ were Ray and Farhaz or the cops. I’m still not sure.

“Ray and Farhaz walked slowly…” You’ve got ‘walked slowly’ twice in fairly close succession there.

I was surprised that Farhaz spoke in such proper English. I expected him to sound more ‘street.’

When Farhaz is stretched out on the settee, I think we need to know he’s in his mother’s or his father’s or his parents’ flat. A dash of description wouldn’t hurt here; I’d like to know how his family lives.

Doesn’t Ray get burned by the pan or the bacon grease? I pulled a pot of tomato soup over myself as a youngster. Burns everywhere.

After Ray’s heart attack, there’s some text in italics. Who is talking?

“Ray spent four weeks in hospital…” The sentence after this one is awkwardly long.

“Farhaz suddenly realized…” This is a good example of where showing would be more effective than telling. What expression does Farhaz have on his face? What does he do? I think giving us these details would make the scene much more meaningful and poignant.

In the final paragraph of the first chapter, you mention ‘the wooden panel.’ What wooden panel? Is it a sign? Or are they just boarding up the windows??

I am not sure where the text at the top of chapter 2 comes from. News broadcast? Newspaper? Narrator?

Early in Ch 2 you’ve got viscous kick where I think you wanted vicious.

Does Farhaz’s mother take depressants or anti-depressants??

Mr. Khan is ‘Asian.’ His assistant is ‘black.’ These are vague descriptions and can have different meanings depending on one’s location. I’d like to hear Mr. Khan’s voice, see his skin and hair. Does he sound educated or self-taught? Is he wearing a bespoke suit or one off the rack? The same with his assistant. Does her voice carry the cadence of her homeland, or does she speak with a local accent? What is she wearing?
Dialogue
Most of the dialog is quite terse, which suits the narrative. I think that when the dialog is this limited, you must supply more description of the setting. For example, in the scene where Penelope gets Ray into the elevator, what do we see? Is there graffiti on the doors of the lift or on the walls? What does it say?

I love the way Farhaz communicates with Danni. We see him as protective and insightful, despite the fact that they head to the Mall to shoplift and then spend her allowance on Cokes.

Originality
I am way outside my wheelhouse here. I haven’t read anything like this, so it seems quite original to me.

Publishability
I think that the success of this manuscript depends on the reader gaining a fuller appreciation of Ray and Farhaz than you’ve currently presented. I suspect that they will eventually react to the way that they are continually marginalized by others. If we are to sympathize with this eventual reaction, we need to see, hear, and feel more of their emotions.

All the best to you,
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Hi there wekabird, don't know if I'm an official member of the BHCG yet, but here goes:
First, what I liked about this book is the unlikely yet credible juxtaposition of Ray and Farhaz, two people that society has not honoured or treated with respect. I liked the liveliness of the scene where we first meet them, when the boy is carrying Ray's beer - it encapsulates their mutually helpful relationship, Ray's priorities in life, and Farhaz' opportunism and light-hearted approach to truancy. The scenes in the block of flats ring horribly true. Danni is an intriguing character and I hope she appears again later on in the story. I like the way you are interweaving stories of Ray's past life as a soldier with Farhaz' gradual awareness and politicisation - the implication I got was that he will become a 'soldier for Islam' [I may be totally wrong, but it's an interesting parallel]. However, a few things got in the way of my enjoyment .
First, your title - what are the initials about? And the short pitch doesn't give us the pathos of this story, about two rejects trying to survive by their wits, being short-changed by society. Ditto your long pitch, where you don't play to your strengths - you really know the worlds you are writng about.
I have a few quibbles with your literary style, especially in the opening chapters, where it seems as if you are trying to use the fewest number of sentences to convey the greatest wealth of meaning. I'll give you one example in ch 1
Chapter 1 Ray has 'An agonised expression', not 'agonising'
'The sides of her long black hair seemed pasted to her over-made-up face highlighted by the garishly conflicting colour of her smudged lipstick.'
I can, with some thought, get a picture of this girl, but the sentence is too convoluted, too packed with meaning, to be easily accessible. Which, given your grimly realistic setting and the fact that this is a brief snapshot of a moment, seems inappropriate for the subject matter. If you were writing about a university professor pottering about among his books, this style would be fine. In the final paragraph of chapter 1, you hit the spot perfectly. It's vivid and concise and suits the material.
ch 2: Who is the narrator of the opening paragraph in italics? Are the italics meant to convey a voice of authority or a radio or newspaper item?
'vicious' not 'viscous' Final nod - doesn't need a capital N, unless Nod is a person...
Four shops further on, [missing comma] and 'He looked towards Danni, who waved [another missing comma, unless you want Danni to be known as 'Danni who waved' ie an adjectival phrase describing Danni, not a sequence of events]
special school doesn't need a hyphen. Special-needs school might.
'Danni recognised the turmoil within him; nothing new to her; just like the other kids at the home.' Your meaning is ambiguous here. Does it mean that his turmoil was nothing new to her because he was just like the other kids at the home? Or that the turmoil was nothing new to her, nor would it be to any of the other kids in the home? This seems like nitpicking, but to me reading it, it's important to my understanding of Danni and her background. It's the two semi-colons which make the sentence unclear.
Ch 3: not sure about Ray staring 'abjectly' at his new home. I felt so odd about it I had to go and look it up. It means 'mean, worthless, grovelling'. Maybe you are aiming for despair and hopelessness? Does Ray feel apathy? Antipathy?
'Good morning, Zaine, this is Mr. Raymond - William - a new resident.' It's a slightly awkward sentence, but the semi colon doesn't help, I feel.
'The Imam.. spoke gently and.....gradually infused Farhaz' mind with the way that those in the West were mistreating and demeaning the Muslim and Islamic faith.' Do you mean the Imam was brainwashing him? Or that he helped Farhaz to understand how those in the West etc? And what is the difference between Islamic and Muslim faiths? I thought they were the same?
Your para that begins 'Two other issues drifted in and out of his thoughts' begins as a statement about Farhaz' general state of mind, in other words, he was thinking about these things as time passed, and they aren't attached to a particular day or place, but suddenly, at the end of this para, he looks at his watch - and he is fixed somewhere in one place, thinking about how he should be somewhere else. So you need to frame these thoughts at the beginning by saying he was wandering round town or somewhere thinking - then suddenly realised he was late. Or, make a break between these occasional musings, end that that para, and move him to where he needs to be when he looks at his watch. At the moment you are mingling an ongoing activity [thinking] with a single event [looking at his watch].
'statutory green cord jacket' sounds odd. It isn't the law that he has to wear this, rather it is his habitual choice.
'ratched' is a fantastic word, but it doesn't exist. Do you mean 'racheted'?
Ch 4 I love this chapter. It moves fast, taking us with it, and gives some depth to |Ray's character. The piano teacher and the reef knot lesson, the two memories with fingers becoming blurred into one, is powerfully done.
'Silence pervaded' needs an object as it is a transitive verb. You could say 'silence pervaded the groups of men'
Ch 5 - the scenes in Malaysia work well; the servicemen characters and their antics and language all strike me as authentic, and our understanding of Ray's personality deepens.
Ch 7 in the middle of this chapter, that anonymous narrator in italics appears again, with a quotation ? or an announcement, which is confusingly followed by the scene with the consultant [who does not need a capital] reading the report on Ray's blood count - at first, I was trying to link the two as I thought the 'report' referred back to the section in italics.
I feel tremendous sympathy for Ray, all the more because you draw him as a surprisingly tolerant man, able to accept change - and what is most endearing, he never feels sorry for himself or hard done by. I would definitely read on, and would hope for some surprises in Farhaz and Danni's story. - Frances K

BHCG review

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
The idea behind the prologue is excellent, but to me, it lacks the punch that would realise its full potential. It’s well observed, but somewhat dispassionate. I needed to feel the shock, fear, anger etc that would accompany the situation. Shorter sentences would help, I think, and phrases like ‘generates a bone-chilling sensation’ and ‘aware of the smouldering aggressiveness...’ have a sense of objectivity about them that I can’t imagine existing in the circumstances. I’m thinking along the lines of: ‘The sudden appearance of a man waving a shotgun is bone-chilling’, ‘they stare at the unexpected threat – at the gunman exuding waves of aggression like a barely-tamped fire.’ Or something. You’ll know better than I do, but active fear has more impact than passive observation.

Pacing – too much backstory or too little
You’ve introduced the backstory well, linking it to Ray’s dreams and the politics of the pensions. With regard to his dreams – the second sentence of Ch9 confused me for a moment. I expected ‘periods throughout his early life’ to deal exclusively with his childhood. Earlier life?

Characters/Characterization
Ray and Farhaz are both convincing. I could sympathise with them, and understand what had formed their attitudes. Penny is also well-drawn – well-meaning but possibly slightly out of her depth.

Point of View/Voice
I’d add style here. Voice and style have combined to engender the detachment I questioned earlier. The dialogue works better than the narration, I think, and would bring more immediacy to the situations both MCs grapple with. In the prologue, for example, the Ward Councillor addresses the gunman. Dialogue here would have more impact that description. The flashback to Malaya works particularly well because a lot of it is dialogue, and the voices of the protagonists come through loud and clear.

To me, your style is also quite formal. Nothing wrong with that, but I think in some cases it doesn’t fit the characters. For example in Ch4, ‘His remark only increased her anger and despair.’ Danni wouldn’t think ‘anger and despair’. Something far more colloquial would suit better. And in the same chapter, ‘He immediately regretted his last words...’ – ‘Fuck, what did he say that for?’

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
Ch3 – repetition of ‘small screen’
Ch11 – repetition of ‘embarrassed’
A few glitches in sentence construction:
Ch5 – ‘the high apex which drooped away at each side and worn at a jaunty angle’ Verb confusion
Ch6 – ‘Tried to comfort him while at the same time clarify his situation’ Verb confusion
Ch7 – ‘he remembered...and of how Ray stood up for him’ Should be ‘memories of...and of how’ or ‘he remembered...and how...’

In Ch2, Ray returns to his flat, looks at it, ‘and wanted none of it.’ Later on, he wants to go back there, so presumably what he wanted none of was the contents. Needs clarifying.
In Ch7, we’re with Farhaz passing the Children’s Home, followed immediately by ‘The Deputy Head...’ Confusing – I thought for a while it was the D H of the Children’s Home.

This story has a lot going for it. It deals with MCs disadvantaged by situations outside their control – subject matter that will immediately hook anyone with a social conscience.

Helen Meikle
Six Weeks in Summer

COLLATERAL DAMAGE.CO.OK by Chris White

Okay, I don’t know what to think about your TITLE. I am not drawn to it, but I am not your target audience. I don’t read literary fiction at all. Unless you want a larger audience. The UK domain at the end makes it confusing for me. I don’t know what to make of it. Is this title from a website? Is the book about a website? To me, your title says you are writing action. Am I drawn to your title? No. Will agents or a publisher be drawn to your title? I doubt it.

Not a fan of your PITCH either. Like the idea of two friends who are on different sides of the age spectrum but that’s it. The word ‘busked’ is not a usual word. It’s fine in a novel but as a pitch you don’t want to scare off any potential readers. And what do you mean they are busked together? You mean they met on the streets while playing music for money? If that’s the case, I would just say something along the lines of that. Also, using collateral damage in your pitch is something you shouldn’t do. It’s your title and they just read your title so it comes off as repetitive.

In the LONG PITCH you use damage again. Many readers are turned off by authors who use certain words a lot. I’m okay with it as long as it’s not noticeable or if there is a reason for it. It’s easy to find different words to replace it. This first part of the summary does little to spark my interest. What has caught my attention is this kid Farhaz being taught to be terrorist. THAT is what intrigues me and is the only thing that gives me curiosity about your story. However, after reading about Farhaz, now it will be wondering about how this retired vet will take part in the kids life. . . . if that’s what you are setting out to do.

Should be ‘Fiffteen-year-old Farhaz’.

CHAPTER 1
Good first paragraph. Though in the first line you say the shotgun generates a bone chilling tension that affect them all. I couldn’t what was bothering me about it but then I realized that it sounds like something you read in a scripts. I used to read many scripts and I would encounter words that tells us how the reader is supposed to feel, either directly or indirectly. Let the reader feel what they want a feel.

The beginning paragraph stands out after reading the prologue. Nothing in it pulled me in right away but that beginning. It just got my attention right away. Towards the end there was a lot of action. . . . a lot of this character does that and that character does this. Try to mix action and narration. Also, who is the narration? Is it one of the characters or is the narrator the narrator? It seems to be the latter.

What would I suggest? I would trim the prologue’s action (I know it’s already short) or delete the prologue and just have that one paragraph as the first part and maybe add a few more things from the later part. A lot of it seems to be unnecessary in terms of the story so far. I might be wrong and these are just my thoughts as I read. Sometimes I am waaaayyy off the mark and other times consider them only if YOU agree though.

CHAPTER 2
There is still a lot of unnecessary actions. An example is the bag clerk running two fingers across her lips, separating the plastic sides . . .. You don’t have to describe everything that a person is doing. If it isn’t important to the story, get rid of it, especially in the start of a book. You don’t want to turn away anyone after they have read only a few lines.

‘Because it’s part of my bloody life!’ Like that line and response. think there should be an exclamation mark though?

I’m starting to like the little bickering between Ray and Farhaz. It’s a good connection and keeps the reader interested in your characters and story.

4th, 5th, 6th, 7th . . .. 4th - 7th

Not a bad chapter. I liked that we learned about Farhaz and because of the letter we felt connected to him. It may not be because we like him it’s because it makes him real. I’m glad that this story is finally starting to pick up which doesn’t make sense because the prologue was all action. yeah. :) Sometimes you don’t need action to get a story moving. It’s the characters or a good story.

CHAPTER 3
You have uneducated twice in the beginning. Try to use a different word for one of them or describe it differently.

‘The collapsed football lay in the corner . . .” You start a new scene. There should be sometime of break between the first paragraph and this one. Something that will tell the reader we are somewhere else.

You saying that she lay on the bed fully clothed is a bit weird. Why would we assume she wasn’t clothed? If there is a meaning why you said that then say it. Otherwise don’t because many readers will find that odd. It’s like saying I saw a man walking his dog outside. He was fully clothed and the dog had a leash.

I like the ending. The whole chapter was a bit of short scenes which by the way maybe needs to flow better. It’s like you start in the middle of a scene and then move on to the middle of another scene. I rather relax with one or at most two scenes. You can also combines scenes by saying or doing the same stuff in their original scene. Why do I like the ending? Because I am starting to get Farhaz. that’s a good thing. It means that I am connecting with the character.

CHAPTER 4
Like when Danni glared at Penelope and gave her the middle figure and kicked the ball. :) Not a bad chapter. I am trying to comment less now so I can read for fun and get the flow of the book. Right now I’m waiting for something to happen. A lot of small things are taking place but I need something in the story to get them going. Right now what’s strong is Farhaz standing up for Dannie and the connection between Farhaz and Ray. Those are your main characters so focus on them which you are doing. Just want to make sure you know.

CHAPTER 5
‘Down below on the shop floor . . .’ there is a lot of action in this long winded sentence. Trim it or cut it down in two sentences. I rather you do the first.

You describe Steve way too much. Is he going to be a main character? Why haven’t you described Ray or Farhaz like this? Remember we want to get into the story before hearing about each character in depth.

CHAPTER 6
‘Ray, anxious, squinted into . . .’ this paragraph is hard to follow. I’m not sure who to focus on because there are too many people doing something.

‘Anyway, now we are on first name terms . . .’ this is a cliche saying. if that’s what you want then keep it.

‘can I go busking downtown.’ busking works here. :)

CHAPTER 7
Here, I am starting to wonder when the terrorist are going to come in and play a factor. That’s one of the reasons I was pulled into your story.

‘fifteen year-old mind’ dash between fifteen and year

I am kind of mad that he doesn’t have a relationship with Danni anymore but I’m not overly angry. I’m just happy we are getting somewhere with the story right now.

Not a bad ending. NOW it’s very important that the story starts heading in a direction.

CHAPTER 8
I LOVE the brief conversation between Farhaz and Ray. It was entertaining. The rest with Starbucks didn’t do much for me. again, this is the time of your story you have to get the ball rolling.

CHAPTER 9
Like the dream explanation. Very cool. And your writing is very strong then.

‘play William. Play’ is just funny to me. :) Also, was the dialogue after with the teacher. Very funny and great dialogue. Very entertaining.

Okay, I’m about to fall asleep. lol. so I will have to stop here for tonight. . . .

Overall, the main problem is just describing too much action. we don’t need to know that he leaned down and scooted up to the microphone (you do this less towards the end so that’s good) and . . . anything else that was described. It’s a lot to handle. I notice when your story works best it’s when You have Ray and Farhaz going at it or Farhaz going at it with someone else. :) So I’m glad Farhaz is your main guy because he’s what’s pulling the story along.
Nightdream

Different Victims

A BHCG review
Farhaz and Ray are interesting and engaging characters and their story is one that I'm keen to know more about, particularly after the promising first chapter.
Your title and both the long and short pitches do not do you justice and this book deserves to be read. The word 'victim' in a title is a downbeat one and that might be one of the reasons why you aren't getting more reads.
I'd like to see the long pitch re-written to knit together the two stories of Farhaz and Ray, rather than the way they're written now, almost as parallel stories. You have some interesting points to raise here about the way British society is now – disillusioned veterans who served Queen and country living side-by-side with kids with no prospects who are recruited by gangs/terrorist groups. A thematic pitch rather than a plot-based one would suit this novel.
Chapter 1
I found Penelope the social worker to be rather hard-hearted in her attitude towards both Farhaz and Danni from the children's home. But I suppose it is a realistic depiction in that kids like these fall through the net and that there can be any number of cases that might not be assigned to social workers. At the same time one has to wonder what the children's home where Danni is supposed to be living are being paid for - letting her go out unsupervised in this way….
Strengths – The dialogue where Faz interacts with Ray sounds realistic and natural.
Nits – You tend to use capital letters when they're not necessary e.g. Tower Blocks should be lower case and be tower blocks, likewise ring road and mosque and mall. Sam with city council. It would be capitals if you were referring to, say West Midlands City Council but for a generic one it would be city council.
It must be a voluminous jacket to get all that stuff into the jacket he's turned into a pouch there or else it must be a small loaf and a half dozen eggs.
Chapter 2
Is McBurger the way they refer to McDonalds in the West Midlands? I hadn't heard it called that before.
Plot Development/Character Development
At the start of the chapter Faz is a street urchin but by the end of it he's been radicalised. You tell us this but don't show how this transformation occurred. This to me is the most engaging aspect of your book and you need to develop it over a few chapters. In one paragraph Faz is wary of going near the mosque and feels uncomfortable and is afraid of the iman. Then there's a crucial turning point where the iman speaks gently to Faz. At this point your story is under-written, in a pared-own style, but as this is a crucial turning point in the story and in Faz's life, we could really do with you showing us, rather than telling us – with some dialogue and characterisation to show the iman's charisma - and the effect he has on Faz.
Chapter 3
In this Ray chapter he meets Claire and I think you need to make more of that moment. What does he think of her when he meets her? At the moment she gets a passing mention but we don’t gain any real insight into her character.
Publishability & Originality
There is a good story here and it will be interesting to see how it develops once completed.

Alison - Lambert Nagle
Revolution Earth

A nice, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

'Nice' is an ambiguous word. 'Very' is redundant. 'Are' wrong tense. 'Charachters'-check dictionary. I don't do ratings.

A nice, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

[19/04/12
Hi Kate,
Thanks for your excellent feedback. This is a good example of valuable feedback that we are all searching for. Extra thanks for devoting 'jump back time' which gave you a difficult read.
I am attempting to write in my own style, something different than mainstream writing. Hence the staccato and economic use of words effect.
'The hem of the jacket?' I shop at a small supermarket (sometimes) where this elderly guy refuses to carry a basket. He grabs hold of the bottom of his jacket and lifts it up thereby forming a sort of basket into which he drops his purchases. I'll re-word this.
'The TV switched its life back on.' TV's and Computers sometimes seem to have a 'life of their own' and do strange things. Mine do.
'Danni recognised the turmoil.' The turmoil only exists at that moment when he attempts to explain his mother's situation.
Farhaz, Children's Home, Police. I'll fix that, well spotted.
'Coughed up.' Ray is later diagnosed as having an Asbestos related disease which makes him cough up phlegm (ugh!).
You are correct about the character development. The characters develop as the chapters move on. At present I have decided to bring some of the later ones forward however, this results in all sorts of problems, mainly chronological, as when I set, say, a new page 14, I have to alter the wording on page 34, 74, 104 etc.
Anyway Kate, it's great to have a new member in BHCG who makes a real commitment to constructive feedback.
A point of interest. I discovered a programme which has a word frequency and analysis facility. Sporkforge.com. Well worth looking at.
I am happy to continue with 'My Husband's Memory if you wish.
Again, thanks,
Chris. Different Victims.

Different Victims
BHCG Review
Overall: This is a slow moving, careful read. Every word is pinned down, every phrase is important. If you don’t read very carefully, you’ll have to go back and reread. This is very good, I think, in that you have no superfluous language AT ALL. But the negative side to this is, it’s not an “easy” read. The reader has to be on point the entire time. Maybe it’s me, but that can be hard to do. I found myself leaning forward, with my face inches from my computer screen, frequently backtracking just to see I’d missed a word that changed the entire meaning of a sentence.

On struggle I had while reading was the jumping back and forth between characters in the beginning so fast. It evens out then and becomes more chapter lengths and that’s better. I still feel as though I’m seeing small vignettes, while big events (Ray’s heart attack) are brushed over in broad strokes. Although, I feel this is stylistic and intentional. Example: There is more “space” and words devoted to the store trip than to his heart attack. The end result is a bit of detachment over the characters for me.
Ch 1:
“he dropped into the deep crease formed by lifting the hem of the jacket upwards” this sentence didn’t make a lot of sense to me. If you lift a jacket hem, it’s more like a pocket, I’d think. Which made me think you were talking about something else that I didn’t get.
I like the breaking up of the sections. It gives the whole narrative a feeling of foreboding. On the other hand, there are quite a lot of them and some of them are short so it feels a bit choppy. We’ll see if that matters as I read on.
“The TV switched its life back on in time to blast out a news item.” This sentence struck me as awkward, and had to read it several times.
Ch 2:
I like your style a lot. It’s very short and to the point. As a reader you can’t skim at all because you will miss something but I suppose that’s your intention. Again, the drawback to this is the choppiness. Some of the sentences are so short and in such close succession that there’s almost a staccato rhythm when you’re reading. Not a crit, really.
“Danni recognised the turmoil within him.” Something about this line bothers me. Maybe because, as readers, WE haven’t recognized the turmoil within him, if that makes sense. It’s as though you intended it to be a small a-HA moment, but it’s not really. Aside from the fighting, there’s very little depth to Farhaz – we don’t see his struggle yet.
I think it’s fascinating how you have whole dialogues with a character that doesn’t speak. Well done.
‘Where are you taking her’ (Missing end quote)
She DOES speak! HA!
Why does the children’s home call the police if Farhaz comes onto the premises? I know they said he can’t come to school, but either I missed the reason why he can’t go to the children’s home or this is where you chose to state this. If it’s the latter, I’d suggest getting it in differently. It has the distinct feeling that the reader has missed something.
Ch3:
Mr(period?)
Coughed up = threw up?
Ch4: Read but no comments.

Plot – The opening is good. Yes, it is slow – but it’s obviously intentionally slow. Even Ray’s walk is slow! This is definitive lit fic - highlighting fallacies in the human condition through minutiae.
Pacing – There’s almost NO backstory. A lot of times I found myself saying “What? When did that happen?” For example: It is almost a throw away line that Farhaz isn’t allowed at the Children’s home. When? Why? (this is mentioned again in my chapter notes above).
Characters/Characterization - characterizations are complicated. I suspect that they aren’t there YET but will become more evident. I don’t think we’re getting enough about what’s in their heads, it’s all action and dialogue and that can take time to develop characters that way. I wouldn’t expect to understand fully realized characters in four chapters this way.
Point of View/Voice/Style – I prefer a lighter style when I read – I read for escapism. This is hard work. That being said, it’s GOOD. It’s minimalist, I have to imagine my own scenes, there’s very little description and narrative. Short, choppy sentences give the book a different cadence that I really enjoyed and was surprised by how much!
Sentence level – To me, this seemed flawless, but I’m not a grammar expert. I found a few tiny nits in my Ch notes above. Like I said previously, every word is pinned to the wall here.
Dialogue – short, snappy, to the point. VERY real. I think this is the best part of the book. I could hear Farhaz saying “Ray Man”.
Originality - So far, I haven’t read very much that is like this.I think Danni is your best character, I'd love to know more about her. I think this is well-written and gritty. Good job.
Kate M.
My Husband's Memory

I've read your first chapter and thought I'd leave some comments. You have depicted both Farhaz and Ray well, making them distinctive, Ray the most. I could easily picture him purchasing the beer and eggs and getting annoyed with the woman. The settings were also strong from the street view to inside Ray's house and so forth.

I have a couple of suggestions, so I'll list them below:

Narrative voice: I thought there could be more of this in the sense of Ray's and Farhaz's thoughts. It'll help the reader to connect with them better. You don't have a lot of this in here and it felt more like a television programme in the sense that I got a visual of what was happening, but not so much of the character's internal feelings.

Chapter Structure: It was broken up, going from one character to the next. I'm not sure whether this is a good or bad thing as it may relate more to preference. I prefer to get to know one character with a longer passage before cutting to the next. I felt it chopped and changed between Ray and Farhaz too much.

A nitpick: In the first lot of dialogue between Farhaz and Ray, Farhaz repeats "Ray Man" too much, making it repetitive. I'd take at least a couple out.

Also, I'd change one word in Farhaz's dialogue as seen here: 'You promised to learn me how to play.' *Swap "learn" to "teach." It may be because he's Pakistani and isn't as adept in English, but it was the only grammatical error in his dialogue that I noticed, so I wasn't sure whether it was an error or related to Farhaz's difficulty with English.

All the above are just my views so take them as such, as others may disagree. However, I hope they are useful. All the best, Marita.

Hi, there – this is your BHCG review from AudreyB. As you may know, I am accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. Whatever you don’t agree with was likely her doing.

Your pitches tell me I’m in for a sweeping epic, with characters from locations across the globe.

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
Your story begins with slow-moving images and even slower moving characters. It sets a sort of moody, bleak tone that matches the dissatisfaction of the lives of the characters. I can picture the scene unfolding on the big screen in muted colors, with a jarring, cacophonic soundtrack.

“Immediately he entered, the store owner eyed him, suspicion etched upon his face.” This is too much telling. Consider this: “As Farhaz entered the store, a tall/short/gaunt/pale/sunburned man wearing a nametag eyed him and moved closer.”

The two opening chapters seem to occur long before the pitches. (I have this problem myself). I don’t see much of a connection between what’s noted in the pitches and any of the details in the first two chapters. This could be remedied by allowing the reader access to the thoughts and feelings of Ray and Farhaz.

I have a hard time with the conversation between Ray and Penny because I’m American and am still a bit shocked that the government can pull this man out of his home. I like that he wants to be at home, and to me, Penny’s arguments ring false. If this is such a great system, why does she need to bully him?

The transformation from Farhaz, disaffected street kid to Farhaz, devout Muslim, happens too quickly. I think we need to see how the Imam speaks to him, witness a few scenes where we can compare the relationship of Ray and Farhaz, built on a shared love of music, to the relationship between the Imam and Farhaz, which is based on anger and distrust.

Characters/Characterization
I’d like to know more about Ray in these two early chapters. What is he thinking? What is he wearing, besides the jacket hung on a small wire hanger? Does he shuffle due to a disease, like Parkinson’s, or is he in pain?

I like the way you’ve drawn Farhaz. He’s not interested in school but we see that it’s probably a terrible school. He’s kind to the girl from the Children’s Home. He’s always on the lookout for opportunity.

I’d love more nuanced descriptions of these characters. As I write this, I’m struck by the number of people Ray and Farhaz have encountered. But I know almost nothing about them. Britain is as multi-cultural as the US, but I’m not getting much insight into the backgrounds or circumstances of these characters.

Point of View/Voice
You’ve got a sort of limited omniscience here. I think you could use the POV to give us more information about what the characters are feeling and thinking.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader
I like the distant style of this work.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
“Asian-owned…” I think you can be more descriptive here. I am not sure if the store is an Asian grocer that carries goods imported from China and Japan and Thailand, or if the owners just happen to be Asian. I suspect this is one of those UK/US deals, but an Asian-owned grocery store in my neighborhood caters to my many Asian neighbors. I think what you are describing is a derelict store that just happens to be owned by an Asian person or family. I think it would be more interesting to show us the owner sweeping the sidewalk out front, or shelving groceries. You could observe that the woman who opens the bag is the owners wife. And I suspect that ‘Asian’ may include more countries than I’ve identified.

“Nervously, they eyed…” I had to read a couple of times to decide if ‘they’ were Ray and Farhaz or the cops. I’m still not sure.

“Ray and Farhaz walked slowly…” You’ve got ‘walked slowly’ twice in fairly close succession there.

I was surprised that Farhaz spoke in such proper English. I expected him to sound more ‘street.’

When Farhaz is stretched out on the settee, I think we need to know he’s in his mother’s or his father’s or his parents’ flat. A dash of description wouldn’t hurt here; I’d like to know how his family lives.

Doesn’t Ray get burned by the pan or the bacon grease? I pulled a pot of tomato soup over myself as a youngster. Burns everywhere.

After Ray’s heart attack, there’s some text in italics. Who is talking?

“Ray spent four weeks in hospital…” The sentence after this one is awkwardly long.

“Farhaz suddenly realized…” This is a good example of where showing would be more effective than telling. What expression does Farhaz have on his face? What does he do? I think giving us these details would make the scene much more meaningful and poignant.

In the final paragraph of the first chapter, you mention ‘the wooden panel.’ What wooden panel? Is it a sign? Or are they just boarding up the windows??

I am not sure where the text at the top of chapter 2 comes from. News broadcast? Newspaper? Narrator?

Early in Ch 2 you’ve got viscous kick where I think you wanted vicious.

Does Farhaz’s mother take depressants or anti-depressants??

Mr. Khan is ‘Asian.’ His assistant is ‘black.’ These are vague descriptions and can have different meanings depending on one’s location. I’d like to hear Mr. Khan’s voice, see his skin and hair. Does he sound educated or self-taught? Is he wearing a bespoke suit or one off the rack? The same with his assistant. Does her voice carry the cadence of her homeland, or does she speak with a local accent? What is she wearing?
Dialogue
Most of the dialog is quite terse, which suits the narrative. I think that when the dialog is this limited, you must supply more description of the setting. For example, in the scene where Penelope gets Ray into the elevator, what do we see? Is there graffiti on the doors of the lift or on the walls? What does it say?

I love the way Farhaz communicates with Danni. We see him as protective and insightful, despite the fact that they head to the Mall to shoplift and then spend her allowance on Cokes.

Originality
I am way outside my wheelhouse here. I haven’t read anything like this, so it seems quite original to me.

Publishability
I think that the success of this manuscript depends on the reader gaining a fuller appreciation of Ray and Farhaz than you’ve currently presented. I suspect that they will eventually react to the way that they are continually marginalized by others. If we are to sympathize with this eventual reaction, we need to see, hear, and feel more of their emotions.

All the best to you,
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Hi there wekabird, don't know if I'm an official member of the BHCG yet, but here goes:
First, what I liked about this book is the unlikely yet credible juxtaposition of Ray and Farhaz, two people that society has not honoured or treated with respect. I liked the liveliness of the scene where we first meet them, when the boy is carrying Ray's beer - it encapsulates their mutually helpful relationship, Ray's priorities in life, and Farhaz' opportunism and light-hearted approach to truancy. The scenes in the block of flats ring horribly true. Danni is an intriguing character and I hope she appears again later on in the story. I like the way you are interweaving stories of Ray's past life as a soldier with Farhaz' gradual awareness and politicisation - the implication I got was that he will become a 'soldier for Islam' [I may be totally wrong, but it's an interesting parallel]. However, a few things got in the way of my enjoyment .
First, your title - what are the initials about? And the short pitch doesn't give us the pathos of this story, about two rejects trying to survive by their wits, being short-changed by society. Ditto your long pitch, where you don't play to your strengths - you really know the worlds you are writng about.
I have a few quibbles with your literary style, especially in the opening chapters, where it seems as if you are trying to use the fewest number of sentences to convey the greatest wealth of meaning. I'll give you one example in ch 1
Chapter 1 Ray has 'An agonised expression', not 'agonising'
'The sides of her long black hair seemed pasted to her over-made-up face highlighted by the garishly conflicting colour of her smudged lipstick.'
I can, with some thought, get a picture of this girl, but the sentence is too convoluted, too packed with meaning, to be easily accessible. Which, given your grimly realistic setting and the fact that this is a brief snapshot of a moment, seems inappropriate for the subject matter. If you were writing about a university professor pottering about among his books, this style would be fine. In the final paragraph of chapter 1, you hit the spot perfectly. It's vivid and concise and suits the material.
ch 2: Who is the narrator of the opening paragraph in italics? Are the italics meant to convey a voice of authority or a radio or newspaper item?
'vicious' not 'viscous' Final nod - doesn't need a capital N, unless Nod is a person...
Four shops further on, [missing comma] and 'He looked towards Danni, who waved [another missing comma, unless you want Danni to be known as 'Danni who waved' ie an adjectival phrase describing Danni, not a sequence of events]
special school doesn't need a hyphen. Special-needs school might.
'Danni recognised the turmoil within him; nothing new to her; just like the other kids at the home.' Your meaning is ambiguous here. Does it mean that his turmoil was nothing new to her because he was just like the other kids at the home? Or that the turmoil was nothing new to her, nor would it be to any of the other kids in the home? This seems like nitpicking, but to me reading it, it's important to my understanding of Danni and her background. It's the two semi-colons which make the sentence unclear.
Ch 3: not sure about Ray staring 'abjectly' at his new home. I felt so odd about it I had to go and look it up. It means 'mean, worthless, grovelling'. Maybe you are aiming for despair and hopelessness? Does Ray feel apathy? Antipathy?
'Good morning, Zaine, this is Mr. Raymond - William - a new resident.' It's a slightly awkward sentence, but the semi colon doesn't help, I feel.
'The Imam.. spoke gently and.....gradually infused Farhaz' mind with the way that those in the West were mistreating and demeaning the Muslim and Islamic faith.' Do you mean the Imam was brainwashing him? Or that he helped Farhaz to understand how those in the West etc? And what is the difference between Islamic and Muslim faiths? I thought they were the same?
Your para that begins 'Two other issues drifted in and out of his thoughts' begins as a statement about Farhaz' general state of mind, in other words, he was thinking about these things as time passed, and they aren't attached to a particular day or place, but suddenly, at the end of this para, he looks at his watch - and he is fixed somewhere in one place, thinking about how he should be somewhere else. So you need to frame these thoughts at the beginning by saying he was wandering round town or somewhere thinking - then suddenly realised he was late. Or, make a break between these occasional musings, end that that para, and move him to where he needs to be when he looks at his watch. At the moment you are mingling an ongoing activity [thinking] with a single event [looking at his watch].
'statutory green cord jacket' sounds odd. It isn't the law that he has to wear this, rather it is his habitual choice.
'ratched' is a fantastic word, but it doesn't exist. Do you mean 'racheted'?
Ch 4 I love this chapter. It moves fast, taking us with it, and gives some depth to |Ray's character. The piano teacher and the reef knot lesson, the two memories with fingers becoming blurred into one, is powerfully done.
'Silence pervaded' needs an object as it is a transitive verb. You could say 'silence pervaded the groups of men'
Ch 5 - the scenes in Malaysia work well; the servicemen characters and their antics and language all strike me as authentic, and our understanding of Ray's personality deepens.
Ch 7 in the middle of this chapter, that anonymous narrator in italics appears again, with a quotation ? or an announcement, which is confusingly followed by the scene with the consultant [who does not need a capital] reading the report on Ray's blood count - at first, I was trying to link the two as I thought the 'report' referred back to the section in italics.
I feel tremendous sympathy for Ray, all the more because you draw him as a surprisingly tolerant man, able to accept change - and what is most endearing, he never feels sorry for himself or hard done by. I would definitely read on, and would hope for some surprises in Farhaz and Danni's story. - Frances K

Hi Chris; this is a BHCG review from Rick (inspectorrick). Let me begin by saying that I'm no expert when it comes to writing. The only things I know is based on what I read. Having said that, there are a huge number of sites on the web which have helped me and would add greatly to your book as well. The other thing you might consider is putting yourself closer to the character. Not necessarily writing in first person, but more like climbing into their skin for a moment and relating how you would see the world through their eyes. Show their feelings to a greater degree as well.

Pitches - like everyone else, these need work. For me at least, they weren't compelling enough.

Pacing - I read the prologue and next two chapters. Obviously, I haven't read enough to get a real gist of the story, but there should be enough by now to get a sense of where it's going. Maybe remove some of the needless bits - parking wardens putting a ticket on a car, etc. which don't impact the characters immediately. You might find that the first few chapters become one.

Characters - there isn't enough emotion shown from them to make the reader care about them.

POV - I found the narration to be a bit abstract - too distant. In the prologue for instance, it would have more impact if viewed from the point of one of the hostages. You could add more feelings and closer observations of the affect on other people.

Sentence level - others have said it already. I find that when I'm editing, the forrest gets in the way of the trees. This means there are always going to be glitches and repetition which you don't see because you know the story. Have someone else read it, someone who knows about grammer, and have them find the issues.

Dialogue - it seemed a bit unreal. By putting yourself into the character, I think you would find more emotion coming through and a better picture of how the person will react to what someone else is saying.

Detailed comments;
Prologue - as I said earlier, this would have more impact viewed from one of the hostages.
Ch 1 - in the last paragraph beginning with 'Suddenly' - agonizing should be agonized.
- look at changing some of the descriptive sentences - to make more sense and give greater impact. 'He let go of the beer can whose contents dribbled over his waist and left stains on his trousers as though he had wet himself.'
To me this would be easier and say more if written thus; The hand holding the beer can relaxed. Frothy lager soaked into his trousers, below his waist, as the can rolled to the floor. Just my opinion.

Ch 2 - everybody seems cold - two dimensional. Add some emotion to the characters, something like;
'Ray was craving a beer and a cigarette as he stuffed the few momentos into the bin bag'. He has to feel a bit of sadness leaving the building and Farhaz is only being mean 'because' he doesn't want to lose a friend.

I appologize if this all sounds negative. The style was easy to read, without a lot of needless description. What is going to happen, what are they thinking, what are they doing that for, are questions that any reader asks as they read through a book. At least I do. A chapter has to have a reason for being there and each has to answer these questions to lead the reader into the next. Most good books (so I've read) leave the first question unanswered until the climax or at least pose a new question at the end of each chapter.

I think this has some good potential and you should be proud of what you have so far. It takes a lot of brain cells to write a novel, even more to make it right. As I said, have someone else read a few chapters (printed out so they can circle or whatever, any issues they find) and then make changes. It really makes a difference.

Good luck with this, it has the makings of a solid story. Rick - Jack, I Am.

BHCG review

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
The idea behind the prologue is excellent, but to me, it lacks the punch that would realise its full potential. It’s well observed, but somewhat dispassionate. I needed to feel the shock, fear, anger etc that would accompany the situation. Shorter sentences would help, I think, and phrases like ‘generates a bone-chilling sensation’ and ‘aware of the smouldering aggressiveness...’ have a sense of objectivity about them that I can’t imagine existing in the circumstances. I’m thinking along the lines of: ‘The sudden appearance of a man waving a shotgun is bone-chilling’, ‘they stare at the unexpected threat – at the gunman exuding waves of aggression like a barely-tamped fire.’ Or something. You’ll know better than I do, but active fear has more impact than passive observation.

Pacing – too much backstory or too little
You’ve introduced the backstory well, linking it to Ray’s dreams and the politics of the pensions. With regard to his dreams – the second sentence of Ch9 confused me for a moment. I expected ‘periods throughout his early life’ to deal exclusively with his childhood. Earlier life?

Characters/Characterization
Ray and Farhaz are both convincing. I could sympathise with them, and understand what had formed their attitudes. Penny is also well-drawn – well-meaning but possibly slightly out of her depth.

Point of View/Voice
I’d add style here. Voice and style have combined to engender the detachment I questioned earlier. The dialogue works better than the narration, I think, and would bring more immediacy to the situations both MCs grapple with. In the prologue, for example, the Ward Councillor addresses the gunman. Dialogue here would have more impact that description. The flashback to Malaya works particularly well because a lot of it is dialogue, and the voices of the protagonists come through loud and clear.

To me, your style is also quite formal. Nothing wrong with that, but I think in some cases it doesn’t fit the characters. For example in Ch4, ‘His remark only increased her anger and despair.’ Danni wouldn’t think ‘anger and despair’. Something far more colloquial would suit better. And in the same chapter, ‘He immediately regretted his last words...’ – ‘Fuck, what did he say that for?’

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
Ch3 – repetition of ‘small screen’
Ch11 – repetition of ‘embarrassed’
A few glitches in sentence construction:
Ch5 – ‘the high apex which drooped away at each side and worn at a jaunty angle’ Verb confusion
Ch6 – ‘Tried to comfort him while at the same time clarify his situation’ Verb confusion
Ch7 – ‘he remembered...and of how Ray stood up for him’ Should be ‘memories of...and of how’ or ‘he remembered...and how...’

In Ch2, Ray returns to his flat, looks at it, ‘and wanted none of it.’ Later on, he wants to go back there, so presumably what he wanted none of was the contents. Needs clarifying.
In Ch7, we’re with Farhaz passing the Children’s Home, followed immediately by ‘The Deputy Head...’ Confusing – I thought for a while it was the D H of the Children’s Home.

This story has a lot going for it. It deals with MCs disadvantaged by situations outside their control – subject matter that will immediately hook anyone with a social conscience.

Helen Meikle
Six Weeks in Summer

Plot-inherently exciting plot and premise though not original these days.
Pacing -sticky, unnecessary info and actions. Sentences starting with comma gated clauses coming swiftly afterwards. Bit flat despite a very tense, dramatic situation ie gunman amongst the 'nice people' scenario. The writing gets in the way of the drama TBH.
Characters/Characterization- Farhaz is interesting and carried the story. Well-meaning 'white' characters come across abit preachy.
Point of View/Voice - No problems. Third person most of the way.
Style –
Sentence level – grammar-good., repetitive use of certain words and in the same paragraph needs looking at, wordiness-at times over-wordy with a consequent braking effect on the narrative. Could be alot leaner in this respect.
Dialogue- Very good. Jumps out of the page in parts-mostly wth Farhaz.
Originality-not very original these days. This stems from the Title-which approaches cliche status-through to the premise which sounds like an episode of Spooks.
Publishability-not in present form. Needs robust editing of sentences-lose 20% of description. Is it an airport thriller i.e Mark Billingham easy-read with faster pace or something darker and more psychological? I'm not sure where it lies at the moment.
The central characters are good with a buzz generated in the dialogue.
Good Luck with it.
John

COLLATERAL DAMAGE.CO.OK by Chris White

Okay, I don’t know what to think about your TITLE. I am not drawn to it, but I am not your target audience. I don’t read literary fiction at all. Unless you want a larger audience. The UK domain at the end makes it confusing for me. I don’t know what to make of it. Is this title from a website? Is the book about a website? To me, your title says you are writing action. Am I drawn to your title? No. Will agents or a publisher be drawn to your title? I doubt it.

Not a fan of your PITCH either. Like the idea of two friends who are on different sides of the age spectrum but that’s it. The word ‘busked’ is not a usual word. It’s fine in a novel but as a pitch you don’t want to scare off any potential readers. And what do you mean they are busked together? You mean they met on the streets while playing music for money? If that’s the case, I would just say something along the lines of that. Also, using collateral damage in your pitch is something you shouldn’t do. It’s your title and they just read your title so it comes off as repetitive.

In the LONG PITCH you use damage again. Many readers are turned off by authors who use certain words a lot. I’m okay with it as long as it’s not noticeable or if there is a reason for it. It’s easy to find different words to replace it. This first part of the summary does little to spark my interest. What has caught my attention is this kid Farhaz being taught to be terrorist. THAT is what intrigues me and is the only thing that gives me curiosity about your story. However, after reading about Farhaz, now it will be wondering about how this retired vet will take part in the kids life. . . . if that’s what you are setting out to do.

Should be ‘Fiffteen-year-old Farhaz’.

CHAPTER 1
Good first paragraph. Though in the first line you say the shotgun generates a bone chilling tension that affect them all. I couldn’t what was bothering me about it but then I realized that it sounds like something you read in a scripts. I used to read many scripts and I would encounter words that tells us how the reader is supposed to feel, either directly or indirectly. Let the reader feel what they want a feel.

The beginning paragraph stands out after reading the prologue. Nothing in it pulled me in right away but that beginning. It just got my attention right away. Towards the end there was a lot of action. . . . a lot of this character does that and that character does this. Try to mix action and narration. Also, who is the narration? Is it one of the characters or is the narrator the narrator? It seems to be the latter.

What would I suggest? I would trim the prologue’s action (I know it’s already short) or delete the prologue and just have that one paragraph as the first part and maybe add a few more things from the later part. A lot of it seems to be unnecessary in terms of the story so far. I might be wrong and these are just my thoughts as I read. Sometimes I am waaaayyy off the mark and other times consider them only if YOU agree though.

CHAPTER 2
There is still a lot of unnecessary actions. An example is the bag clerk running two fingers across her lips, separating the plastic sides . . .. You don’t have to describe everything that a person is doing. If it isn’t important to the story, get rid of it, especially in the start of a book. You don’t want to turn away anyone after they have read only a few lines.

‘Because it’s part of my bloody life!’ Like that line and response. think there should be an exclamation mark though?

I’m starting to like the little bickering between Ray and Farhaz. It’s a good connection and keeps the reader interested in your characters and story.

4th, 5th, 6th, 7th . . .. 4th - 7th

Not a bad chapter. I liked that we learned about Farhaz and because of the letter we felt connected to him. It may not be because we like him it’s because it makes him real. I’m glad that this story is finally starting to pick up which doesn’t make sense because the prologue was all action. yeah. :) Sometimes you don’t need action to get a story moving. It’s the characters or a good story.

CHAPTER 3
You have uneducated twice in the beginning. Try to use a different word for one of them or describe it differently.

‘The collapsed football lay in the corner . . .” You start a new scene. There should be sometime of break between the first paragraph and this one. Something that will tell the reader we are somewhere else.

You saying that she lay on the bed fully clothed is a bit weird. Why would we assume she wasn’t clothed? If there is a meaning why you said that then say it. Otherwise don’t because many readers will find that odd. It’s like saying I saw a man walking his dog outside. He was fully clothed and the dog had a leash.

I like the ending. The whole chapter was a bit of short scenes which by the way maybe needs to flow better. It’s like you start in the middle of a scene and then move on to the middle of another scene. I rather relax with one or at most two scenes. You can also combines scenes by saying or doing the same stuff in their original scene. Why do I like the ending? Because I am starting to get Farhaz. that’s a good thing. It means that I am connecting with the character.

CHAPTER 4
Like when Danni glared at Penelope and gave her the middle figure and kicked the ball. :) Not a bad chapter. I am trying to comment less now so I can read for fun and get the flow of the book. Right now I’m waiting for something to happen. A lot of small things are taking place but I need something in the story to get them going. Right now what’s strong is Farhaz standing up for Dannie and the connection between Farhaz and Ray. Those are your main characters so focus on them which you are doing. Just want to make sure you know.

CHAPTER 5
‘Down below on the shop floor . . .’ there is a lot of action in this long winded sentence. Trim it or cut it down in two sentences. I rather you do the first.

You describe Steve way too much. Is he going to be a main character? Why haven’t you described Ray or Farhaz like this? Remember we want to get into the story before hearing about each character in depth.

CHAPTER 6
‘Ray, anxious, squinted into . . .’ this paragraph is hard to follow. I’m not sure who to focus on because there are too many people doing something.

‘Anyway, now we are on first name terms . . .’ this is a cliche saying. if that’s what you want then keep it.

‘can I go busking downtown.’ busking works here. :)

CHAPTER 7
Here, I am starting to wonder when the terrorist are going to come in and play a factor. That’s one of the reasons I was pulled into your story.

‘fifteen year-old mind’ dash between fifteen and year

I am kind of mad that he doesn’t have a relationship with Danni anymore but I’m not overly angry. I’m just happy we are getting somewhere with the story right now.

Not a bad ending. NOW it’s very important that the story starts heading in a direction.

CHAPTER 8
I LOVE the brief conversation between Farhaz and Ray. It was entertaining. The rest with Starbucks didn’t do much for me. again, this is the time of your story you have to get the ball rolling.

CHAPTER 9
Like the dream explanation. Very cool. And your writing is very strong then.

‘play William. Play’ is just funny to me. :) Also, was the dialogue after with the teacher. Very funny and great dialogue. Very entertaining.

Okay, I’m about to fall asleep. lol. so I will have to stop here for tonight. . . .

Overall, the main problem is just describing too much action. we don’t need to know that he leaned down and scooted up to the microphone (you do this less towards the end so that’s good) and . . . anything else that was described. It’s a lot to handle. I notice when your story works best it’s when You have Ray and Farhaz going at it or Farhaz going at it with someone else. :) So I’m glad Farhaz is your main guy because he’s what’s pulling the story along.
Nightdream

you make this premise credible. the long pitch is good, but the second paragraph is a bit confusing.... maybe clean it up and make it more concise...
j
what every woman should know

intellegent story, with great skill. very good clear and descriptive narrative...excellent book...
on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

BHCG Review

Just thoughts as I read.

I like your pitch and don’t really have anything to nit there.

Prologue

The spectre of the man in a dark topcoat brandishing a shotgun generates a bone chilling tension that affects them all. ------ I wasn’t sure about the word spectre being used – instead of ghostlike – but beside that, you might need to take a look at the structure of the sentence, because it actually says that the dark topcoat brandishes a shotgun

Three constituency assistants who, seconds before, had been talking together, now appear frozen in time, staring at the unexpected threat, aware of the smouldering aggressiveness and hostility emanating from the gunman. ----- I don’t mind long sentences but I think you need to rethink the punctuation, its not correct, and the sentence might work better split up slightly.

His thin right leg, just visible through the ragged designer-rip in the knee, juts out in an implied psychological threat. He positions himself in front of the women, an aged token protector. -----I’m not sure it is clear who the ‘his’ and ‘he’ is in these two sentences.

The gunman strides quickly towards them. Pushing past, ----- pushing past what?

What mainly strikes me with the opening chapter is we have no idea where we are, or how many gunmen, nor how many hostages. It is a bit ambiguous at moments because of the use of ‘his’ ‘he’ and ‘they’ where might not be clear enough to follow what is happening.

I also thought it reads, very much like a thriller might. I like the intention and the pace of the prologue.

Ch1

The Sixties built tower blocks where Ray and Farhaz lived, rose up from an area. ----- although I understand what you mean, because of the punctuation, ‘rose’ could imply and probably refers to the sixties.

A polluted river carried an assortment of beer cans, plastic bags and occasional snake-like condoms beneath the bridge at the upper end of the road before it disappeared ----- it isn’t clear because of the ‘it’ if ‘it’ refers to the river disappearing or all that rubbish

The layout mirrored a conglomerate hodgepodge of similar designs ----similar designs of what?

Consider breaking up that first paragraph – I feel it is much too long

My main thought with chapter two, is that although we are introduced to where Ray and Farhaz live, the following narrative comes from an omniscient narrator and we have no idea why we are being shown all this imagery of buildings ect – and I personally feel that it might work a little better if we see it through you character, who we don’t see until well through the opening chapter.

I like your dialogue but I think your pace might struggle with your opening chapter because of all the setting placed at the beginning. I’m still not sure what the hook or the aim of the first chapter was or how it relates to prologue.

Ch2

We have started with backstory, again not being placed within the story, from a character perspective.

With the end of chapter two I wasn’t certain what was meant by Ray coughing up…I wondered if you meant he was sick and what he actually coughed up.

Again I think your narrative comes alive with the dialogue and personally would love to see your characters reacting more quickly in the opening and this world you’ve built up, to see, hear, smell, feel the world they live in.

I think you do dialogue well and if you were to get more fully into your characters mind your narrative might come a bit more alive. I mentioned earlier that your opening reminded me of a thriller, and you do appear to have a thought out plot, but I wondered while reading your descriptive passages if you weren’t trying too hard to provide us information that could possibly be done with a few choice words – for example the decaying city, streets, rubbish strewn river….all part of the setting, but I don’t think a reader needs to know that there are “beer cans of different brands” just beer cans – will do the same job – and imply different brands, if you see what I mean.

All in all I think this is great effort, and I hope something has helped.

Collateral Damage.CO.OK

Chris, as you can see, when I copy and paste from 'review mode' on Word, my notes from the sidebar don't appear here. Could you try my email again as the one you have is correct.

Here, I've separated the solid block which you had, into paragraphs to make it more readable. At least, for me it does.

As chapter one is over 5000 words, I think, as well as my sidebar notes, an attachment would be the easiest way to go as I've copied and pasted it all into a Word document and done a line by line edit.

Also, I think you could break chapter one into two, possibly three, chapters?

Cáit :o)

Prologue
Birmingham. UK. 2011.

The spectre of the man in a dark topcoat brandishing a shotgun generates a bone chilling tension that affects them all. He stands by the only door into the old school room, currently used as an advice surgery by the local MP, Ms Elvira Thinnes.

Three constituency assistants who, seconds ago , had been talking together, now appear frozen in time, staring at the unexpected threat, aware of the smouldering aggressiveness and hostility emanating from the gunman.
Gradually, the motionless images regain life, but remain in position, fearful, waiting, and unsure of what will happen next. Ms Thinnes and her secretary sit at a table under the large window at the back of the room. Both are in a temporary state of shock.

The gunman gestures pointedly with the weapon at the three constituency assistants. A mixture of relief and uncertainty accompanies them as they shuffle sideways, slowly, towards the door.

At the other end of the room, a Ward Councillor, clad in a faded sixties denim suit, tarnished CND badge on one lapel, Greenpeace badge on other, faces the gunman. His thin right leg, just visible through the ragged designer-rip in the knee, juts out in an implied psychological threat. He positions himself in front of the women, an aged token protector.

The gunman strides quickly towards them. Pushing past, he grabs a water bottle off the table and smashes it violently against the nearby windowsill. The secretary screams and throws her arms akimbo.

Ms Thinnes, ignoring the gunman, attempts to calm her down. Aware of the deteriorating situation, the three men quicken their shuffle towards the door and disappear. Ms Thinnes makes an effort to stand. The gunman leans across the table, pushing his face against hers. His lips move; she sits.

The Ward Councillor conjures up another piece of bravado and addresses the gunman who, now agitated, lowers the weapon, and points it threateningly at Ms Thinnes's knees. The Councillor understands the gesture and walks slowly to the door where he turns to stare apologetically in the direction of the women. The gunman prods the barrel gently towards the secretary, at the same time jerking his head towards the retreating man. Sobbing, gabbling incoherently, she stumbles gratefully across the room. The gunman follows, closes the door behind her and, shotgun in hand, puts his shoulder against the piano adjacent to the door and pushes it across the entrance. Satisfied, he switches off all the lights except one before turning to face his hostage.

Hi Stacy, I am impressed. After trawling around authonomy for about six weeks I did not expect a review as professional as you gave. Most feedback seems to tell you more about the reader that the author. So, thanks a lot as this is exactly what I an searching for. Worth all the work put in to get the book up and in the right group (BHCG). I understand what you say about paragraphs and reading from the screen. I need to give it some thought because it is only applicable to reading work through autohonomy and you especially would be aware of the time involved. The dialogue? I sussed out a number of novels, some have dialogue line by line some not. The downside is that it would drastically increase the page numbers and even now 310 pages is a lot to post off. Good point about the header. So Stacey, thanks for a really useful crit. If you want, I will carry on with yours, maybe later this week. Thanks again,
Chris

A BHCG review. If I sound overly harsh or blunt at any point, please blame my BPD-driven inner perfectionistic editor who has no social skills. She’s mean, but she means well.

Pitches: very good mini-synopses of your two MCs. I’d put a comma after Pakistani community, but that’s my only comment. From your pitches, I would tag this as literary fiction.

Plot/opening narrative etc: Your prologue is extremely well written. You don’t pad it out with excessive details, which highlights the threat faced. Great opening and I’d read on, even if I weren’t reviewing this for a crit group.

Sentence structure/grammar etc: There are some long sentences, but they’re mostly punctuated correctly and suit the tone of this piece. I would suggest breaking up the text into smaller paragraphs, however. This is something that was pointed out to me with my own work, and it appears to be a common issue with reading books on a computer screen.

Dialogue: You may be doing this as a stylistic thing, but the rules of writing dictate that you use a separate paragraph for each person speaking. You consistently run each line of dialogue together.

Pacing: This story tells itself at its own pace. You take the time to set up your characters and it’s only at the end of Chapter 3 that we get hints of Farhaz’s future, which is fine with me.
Characters/characterisation: Well done. I can’t think of anything more to say!

Originality: I don’t know if this is original or not, as it’s not my usual read. But I think it’s written well.

Publishability: Again, I don’t know if there’s a market for this, but the manuscript is in generally good shape and I think the right editor would see the potential.

Specific points: When Ray sits on his bed for the first time, he appears to say “You can call me Ray, everyone calls me Ray”, but there are no speech marks. I also missed the jump from the office to sitting in his room.

“appropriate drugs and medicines” - I wouldn’t expect her to say both terms together as they mean the same thing, don’t they? I would imagine she’d say medication.

“more beer bottles in that kitchen that in a Brewery” - typo (and I wouldn’t personally capitalise Brewery unless it was named).

When he’s dreaming about tying the reef knot: “hands behind you back” - typo.

Love the stunts pulled to try and prove Jefferson’s lying - the last seat on the plane trick made my laugh.

Chapter 3: although you refer to Farhaz and Danni within the first page, you haven’t put a header with the date as you have done for previous chapters. It would be nice to know when this is happening (e.g. a few days after Ray moves, a few months etc).

You don’t need a comma after “security forces generally”.

Keep it consistent - you generally have Pakistani community, but at one point you have it as simply Pakistan. Minor point, but that’s the kind of thing I’m trained to pick up on.

This really isn’t my normal read, but I think you’ve done a great job and I read all you had posted without any major issues. I think this book has the potential to do really well. The only reason I can think for it to be turned down, is that the paragraphs are overly long, and the fact you run dialogue together.

Hi mark, Thanks for looking at the chapters. I liked your initial response. I'll get to The Devil's Fan Club but have three to do before this. I read the piece first then read again making notes so it does take some time. I'll get there. Thanks again
Chris

Made a start tonight and found this a topical and interesting concept with great character contrast and explosive initial set-up.

Mark, The Devil's Fan Club

Made a start tonight and found this a topical and interesting concept with great character contrast and explosive initial set-up.

Mark, The Devil's Fan Club