RealmShift

Hi Alan,

I've just read your first chapter. It's very powerful and it moved along at a cracking pace. I, too, was reminded of Constantine a little, but I don't think that's a problem, as your actual story is completely different.

I've watchlisted RealmShift, so that I can come back and read more when I have a bit more time.
But what I've read so far is fantastic.

Good luck,
Berni

Dear Alan

Sorry it's taken my such a long time to get round to 'Realm Shift". I'm very glad I have though. Masterful prose, Alan, and a great story. I'm more than happy to put you on my shelf.

Best wishes.


Michael Ashley Torrington. Authour, 'Kristin.'

I've read the first chapter. It zooms along. Very atmospheric indeed, and the rhythm of your writing is extremely effective; almost hypnotic.

Some great touches (I love the idea that Gabriel likes AC/DC). The only bit I wasn't sure about was Megan, his love in ancient Scotland (a bit 'Highlander', I felt).

To me, this is niche market stuff - by which I mean, I know there's a market for this kind of material. I hope I'm not pigeonholing it - in fact, if anything, I suspect that this rises well above the average, and it's toying with the notions of good and evil, Heaven and Hell, and some sort of cosmic balance strikes me as really thought-provoking (anyone who thinks you'd 'go to Hell' for writing like this is off their rocker: there's something very spiritual in here, I feel, behind the Gothic noir). I doubt it's to everybody's taste, but to those who do have a taste for this sort of story I'm sure that this would appeal massively.

I'm not really a fiction buff - Authonomy has been quite a shock for me, with all this fiction to be read. All I can say is that I think there's real talent, here. The pacing is excellent, your descriptive powers are remarkable, the imagination at work here is terrific. It's not a market I know much about, but I've no doubt that you've got what it takes.

Hello!

I'm sure you're aware by now thaqt you have a wonderful story. I love the good vs. evil vs. kinda' good vs not totally evil or whatever. Love that Isiah is a balancer.

Great conversation between Edward, now Isiah, and The balancer deity. Seemed real!

Brilliant writing and I only have one suggestion that you can research on your own - a writing instructor advised me that THINGS are oriental but people are not. They're Asian or Pacific islander or Korean or Japanese or whatever but not oriental. Food, shops, furniture etc. is oriental. Might want to change it as to not offend the Asian market. :-)

A story of this genre would normally not be appealing to me but I LOVE this! Waiting for the next chapters!

Cracking start, battle against the Devil himself and a battle for all of mankind where there are no guarantees. I hope noone ever solves the mystery of the crystal skulls because we would never have such a good tale like this. Very best of luck with this.

Hi Alan, I'm having a bit of a horror day it seems. This is creepy stuff. The writing is dark and effective for what you are trying to pull off. On a crit note, I think the opening couple of paragraphs would work more effectively if they were in the same tense as the story when we pick it up from Isiah's VP. But that is just a small point and my opinion. I hve checked out your website and it looks good.

Hope the books sell well,

Lyra xxx

There are some intriguing noir bits to this that have a lot of potential. Isiah is an interesting character, don't get me wrong, but this needs a few edits (I'm on my 8th edit, so don't feel too bad.)

In the first chapter, the shift between present tense and past tense isn't great. The opening could use trimming and a lot less purple prose. The city's dirty and it's raining and life is kind of meaningless. Gotcha. Maybe the entire thing could be in the same tense and you could halve the description. It feels too melodramatic. The same with Megan's death. Her being the "only" person he "truly" loved and vice versa. It feels too cliched which makes it trite and detracts from its impact.

The theology also feels oversimplified. You have Christian God and Satan. You have BALANCE who speaks in CAPS LOCK and spouts pop-philosophy. It might be more...striking if he's given a short hook, a hint or two, and then immortal life. It cheapens the effect if near omniscient beings decide to debate "life" with mortals from an almost human viewpoint. If you want to showcase the gods/belief concept, it might work out better if you throw in some examples in the story, like Isiah encountering/referencing someone from a different pantheon with his/her own set of limitations/strengths. And is balance always a good thing? I'm in a Star Wars-y mood today so let's talk about how Anakin brought "balance" to the force. Two Sith lords (Emperor Palpatine and Vader) and two scraggly surviving Jedi (Yoda and Obi-wan). But I have no idea where you're going with that.

Gabriel's reference to durian doesn't quite make sense. Durian doesn't taste bad. It certainly doesn't look particularly appetizing and it smells horrible. Not sure what you were getting at?

I like modern Isiah and his use of magic. The hints about his character are tantalizing. The story has a lot of potential, but it's going to need a bit of editing too. Your strong point is your characters and I hope you continue to flesh them out.

Alan

Finally, as promised, here I am. Okay, comments. I'll split them into nitpicks and good stuff.

Nitpicks first. Your first two chapters are strong, doesn't sound like a nitpick, but the third chapter didn't seem up to the level of the other two. I got kind of confused over the Carlos/Karl thing and it almost felt like it wasn't the same story. Then the visitation after the Highland massacre with all the capital letters, sort of put me off. I think it's the thing about capitals equalling shouting in e-mails, or forums. My problem, not yours, but it didn't work for me.

Good stuff! As I said, first two chapters were very strong. Excellent writing, descriptions, I could see where I was and feel those crackling flames. I would definitely have kept on reading but you only put three chapters up! That's another of my testers, does the story engage me, and yours did.

Definitely worth a read and a shelf.

Cheers

Rayo

Hi Alan,

I've just read your first chapter. It's very powerful and it moved along at a cracking pace. I, too, was reminded of Constantine a little, but I don't think that's a problem, as your actual story is completely different.

I've watchlisted RealmShift, so that I can come back and read more when I have a bit more time.
But what I've read so far is fantastic.

Good luck,
Berni

Dear Alan

Sorry it's taken my such a long time to get round to 'Realm Shift". I'm very glad I have though. Masterful prose, Alan, and a great story. I'm more than happy to put you on my shelf.

Best wishes.


Michael Ashley Torrington. Authour, 'Kristin.'

I liked this. The descriptionis good and it's easy to read.

This was just a really good read. I'm a big fan of this kind of thing, dark fantasy and new takes on religion and heaven and hell. I like Isiah and I really want to find out his whole story, I want to know exactly who and what he is.

I have to admit that I am a little bit confused about how it all works, as is the different dieties and so on, but I feel sure that you'll make it clearer as we go along.

I saw a couple of typos and a few bits where it could be tightened up. But otherwise this is something that I would pick up and by in a bookshop. Shelving it for that reason.

Hello Alan,

I popped in and liked what I saw, hence the shelf.

In the way of critique, I am afraid there's little I can add to what you've already reaped here. I liked the premise, even if I am not in the market for this sort of material that often. I also think your methods for setting up the dark, sinister world work really well and I have no doubt this will be a good read, once it's in print. Material this heavy is best read offline.

Best regards,

Heikki

I finally checked your book out, and thought I'd give it a boost. I usually enjoy reexplorations of our cultural mythos about Hell. I haven't read all the available chapters yet, but I expect I'll be back.

Cheers.

I've read the first chapter. It zooms along. Very atmospheric indeed, and the rhythm of your writing is extremely effective; almost hypnotic.

Some great touches (I love the idea that Gabriel likes AC/DC). The only bit I wasn't sure about was Megan, his love in ancient Scotland (a bit 'Highlander', I felt).

To me, this is niche market stuff - by which I mean, I know there's a market for this kind of material. I hope I'm not pigeonholing it - in fact, if anything, I suspect that this rises well above the average, and it's toying with the notions of good and evil, Heaven and Hell, and some sort of cosmic balance strikes me as really thought-provoking (anyone who thinks you'd 'go to Hell' for writing like this is off their rocker: there's something very spiritual in here, I feel, behind the Gothic noir). I doubt it's to everybody's taste, but to those who do have a taste for this sort of story I'm sure that this would appeal massively.

I'm not really a fiction buff - Authonomy has been quite a shock for me, with all this fiction to be read. All I can say is that I think there's real talent, here. The pacing is excellent, your descriptive powers are remarkable, the imagination at work here is terrific. It's not a market I know much about, but I've no doubt that you've got what it takes.

My answer to Corinna Turner's comment:

Hi Corinna

Thanks very much for the comments on RealmShift. I'm really pleased that you (largely) enjoyed what you read. I'll answer some of the queries you raised:

- Oh, do you mean Isiah, which as far as i'm aware is not a real name but is strongly reminiscent of Isaiah, or do you mean Isaiah, as in the book from the Bible? Now you're going to tell me Isiah is a real name... ;)

No, it's Isiah, which is not necessarily a real name (what's a "real" name anyway?) but the subject is briefly addressed later in the book.

- I very much enjoyed reading this and during the first part i thought it was a dead cert for backing, but i'm afraid the line, 'By far the most common belief...' really spoilt it for me. I think we've got a serious clash of personal preference, here, to be honest. I can tell that this idea of balance and multiple religions is central to your book, so i don't expect there's much to be done. But using angels and demons, especially such classic types, and just generally, in fact, i'm afraid i don't see the need for all the 'balance' and multiple deities... That's just how i see it.

I'm not really sure I understand the point that you're making here, particularly the last past. The whole purpose of the protagonist is to keep a balance between the various religions of the world. Maybe you can help me understand what you mean there?

- Oh, i didn't say, i think Isiah's a great character (just to me he'd be better as an angel or a watcher or even renegade demon or something, as i assumed him to be for the first half of the chapter...) in fact, all the characters are spot on.

If Isiah was an angel or a demon, etc. that would make him a part of a religious idea. Not all religions have angels, or demons, for example. He's a human that's been around along time and developed superhuman abilities. Again, these things are further addressed as the book goes on. What do you mean by Watcher? Like in Buffy? :)

- Also, i think you might want to consider what proportion of your potential readership you may be going to offend when you label the heaven and hell belief as 'most complex and self-contradictory'. I think fantasy with strong religious themes (like this) is often read by religious people as well as less religious people. If you leave it in you might want to explain yourself. Dropped in like that it doesn't make anything like sense.

It certainly is controversial and I've had quite a bit of heavy debate about it here and there. I've even had one small press editor send the ms back with essentially hate mail scrawled all over it. Apparently I'm going to hell myself according to him. He was obviously a rather militant christian and took it all a bit personally. But the nature of the story is controversial and I like to explore these ideas with my writing. It doesn't target anyone or any faith in particular. It targets all of them!


- I find it very hard to believe you haven't already seen 'Constantine', but if you haven't i think you might like it! Also, have you seen Rise of the Fallen - D. Michael Olive?

I have seen Constantine, though I think it's truly awful. The original Hellblazer comics that it's based on, on the other hand, are brilliant and certainly a large influence in my writing. I haven't heard of Rise of the Fallen. Is that a movie or a book? Olive is the author?

- Anyway, i hope you take this as an essentially positive review. Your central premise is just killing for me what would otherwise be a wonderful book. Sorry!

Not at all. I'm sorry the central premise throws you as it does. The premise expands as the novel proceeds and the sequel deals with similar ideas from a completely different perspective. However, feeling the way you do, perhaps this is just not going to sit right with you.

Regardless, thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I really appreciate that.

Ok, i managed to get to this at last. From what i've seen so far, you have something extremely publishable. i took notes as i read:

Great first paragraph
Very visual and descriptive
'sobbing day' – great
'insane childrens minds' – horrible phrase, as intended, but should be 'insane children's minds'
Hmm, beware of slime. Do you really need it?
'black, bottomless eyes' nice
'with a yell from his repentant soul' great phrase
Wasn't sure about the dead woman's face showing fury... just didn't quite seem to fit.
'split it into infinity'
Gabriel was very good, no pun intended!

Oh, do you mean Isiah, which as far as i'm aware is not a real name but is strongly reminiscent of Isaiah, or do you mean Isaiah, as in the book from the Bible? Now you're going to tell me Isiah is a real name... ;)

I very much enjoyed reading this and during the first part i thought it was a dead cert for backing, but i'm afraid the line, 'By far the most common belief...' really spoilt it for me. I think we've got a serious clash of personal preference, here, to be honest. I can tell that this idea of balance and multiple religions is central to your book, so i don't expect there's much to be done. But using angels and demons, especially such classic types, and just generally, in fact, i'm afraid i don't see the need for all the 'balance' and multiple deities... That's just how i see it.

Oh, i didn't say, i think Isiah's a great character (just to me he'd be better as an angel or a watcher or even renegade demon or something, as i assumed him to be for the first half of the chapter...) in fact, all the characters are spot on.

Also, i think you might want to consider what proportion of your potential readership you may be going to offend when you label the heaven and hell belief as 'most complex and self-contradictory'. I think fantasy with strong religious themes (like this) is often read by religious people as well as less religious people. If you leave it in you might want to explain yourself. Dropped in like that it doesn't make anything like sense.

I find it very hard to believe you haven't already seen 'Constantine', but if you haven't i think you might like it! Also, have you seen Rise of the Fallen - D. Michael Olive?

Anyway, i hope you take this as an essentially positive review. Your central premise is just killing for me what would otherwise be a wonderful book. Sorry!

This was my reply to Connie Dee's comment. Rather than just leave it with her I thought it was relevant to put it here too.:

Hi Connie

Thanks so much for the kind comments. I think the oriental thing is something of a cultural variation. For example, in England when people say "Asian" they usually mean Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi, etc. Here in Australia Asian means Chinese, Japanese, etc. so it's always difficult to use the right words culturally across national boundaries. However, as this is largely from Isiah's point of view and Isiah is old school (as in ancient!) I figured that oriental in the old sense seemed to fit.

As for more chapters, I'm afraid they won't be appearing here. The books are both out now through my own independent press and available online via all the Amazon stores, Barnes & Noble and so on. If you really would like to read more, you could always buy yourself a Christmas persent! :) Sorry about that!

And thanks again - I'm so pleased that you enjoyed what you've read so far and took the time to comment.

Hello!

I'm sure you're aware by now thaqt you have a wonderful story. I love the good vs. evil vs. kinda' good vs not totally evil or whatever. Love that Isiah is a balancer.

Great conversation between Edward, now Isiah, and The balancer deity. Seemed real!

Brilliant writing and I only have one suggestion that you can research on your own - a writing instructor advised me that THINGS are oriental but people are not. They're Asian or Pacific islander or Korean or Japanese or whatever but not oriental. Food, shops, furniture etc. is oriental. Might want to change it as to not offend the Asian market. :-)

A story of this genre would normally not be appealing to me but I LOVE this! Waiting for the next chapters!

HI,
wow, Jason was right. This is neat stuff! And yeah, 3 chapters? Not enough. This is intense! I can’t add to the comments any more than to say this is very imaginative and original. On the shelf and on my thread!! If it were in a book shop, I would be taking it home :-)

Gina

Read the first chapter.

Love Isiah's character and the devil is so well painted!

This is dark and flows really well.

I wanted to add some criticisms, but you haven't allowed me to!

I think the only thing I could say if you wanted to make it slightly more stunning, is to look at the longer paragraphs to see if they can be spliced at all, to flow with the other shorter paragraphs. But this is not in my mind a necessity at all!

I love the read and will continue when I have one of my laisure read days!!! (That's the day when I continue with the ones I really really like!)

Good stuff, mate!

Mazza

Later than expected, but here are some of the reasons why I liked this...

First off, it's a great story. Forget all the BS about how well a book is written, or the flowing imagery and fabulous dialogue. What really matters is whether it's a good story. There are a rare few that could make a fabulous story out of a trip to the shops, but really, you need a strong plot to dress the window, before you can start adding the final decorations. This..... is a REALLY good idea for a story.

Secondly, having just dispelled the importance of writing well, I am now going to praise you for it! Your ability to paint a picture is very clear to see. You can put someone into the scene without them realising it, and in my opinion, you also seem to do it seemlessly. The section with Edward / Isiah conversing with the voice in his head is nicely done, and the authority of the omnipiscent is clear in the dialogue. Very powerful passage.

A few things I had noticed. Sometimes the pattern seems repetative. This appeared in the bar scenes, with lots of short pieces that seemed purely functional. But them given your clear ability in the first chapters, I might be missing the point here, and that is how you wanted it to be - to enphasize the thoughts of mundanity in Isiah; his own lack of real feeling as he is now devoid of any self purpose. Or maybe I'm just being picky.

Next big gripe, and this is a REAL biggy. Why only the 3 chapters???? I want to read more!! I've added you to a thread in the forum plugging a couple of great horror books that have appeared here lately, and I'll give you a fair spin on my shelf as I think you well deserve it. Jason

oooh, Jason said I might like this!
watchlisted!
be back soon
Gina

Alan,
I am so glad that I read on. This is wonderful.

Unfortunately I'm not much help with an edit. I can only reply to your work as a reader and hope it will be a help to you and your work.

You are a master of description, but in the beginning of the story it almost put me off from reading the rest. Later in the story your style is less forced and flows very nicely. Maybe too much description in the beginning to let the reader get a grip on the story line.

I love the first few paragraphs but they might have a better impact if the reader knows instantly that we are looking through Isiah's eyes and his heart at the city. It's a sort of introduction.

I like the 'vaudville' remark about the creature's ability to speak into Isiah's head.

I really liked the paragraph about how Isiah was thinking how the small oriental man at the cafe would condider what happened. How many times do we blow off the supernatural. It's true.

You really have a strong character with Isiah and I really like how it builds. He's a real mixture. When you finally told a bigger piece of his history, it was heartbreaking and very well told.

Can you tell I like this? The shame is that I almost stopped reading. The beginning needs editing. I'm putting you on the shelf. Hopefully it will get you a little attention from someone that has more constructive advice.

Good Luck!

Many thanks. Look forward to hearing what you think.

I have watchlisted your story and read it as soon as I can. Good Luck.