Spark

Just read first 3 chapters, and only want to read more. This book has great descriptions, bringing me right into the story...I can see everything you are writing about; characters, setting, personalities, etc... It has a twinge of Twilight in it, but also a great resemblance to the mind of any young girl caught up with obsessive thoughts on love, relationships, and her own self-image. Most certainly a world I can easily and happily get lost in here. Great work! High stars and backing from me.

A couple of little points: Top of chapter 2, I thought it would be fitting for there to also be a mention about that electricity she felt from him again...
Also, now 2 mornings have passed - she's running late to school...does she ever take a shower? Or is this just something she catches up with later on...will keep looking.

Either way, great read. Thanks for sharing and all the best to you on your journey!
BillyD (David)
The Life Inside Maggie Pincus

This is a very detailed story, with the dialogue and the vivid descriptions. You had me hooked from the very beginning, and good luck with writing it.

I've had a read through. Love the dialogue. Think the YA market will love it.

I only read a little and I was hooked,.you had me smiling within the first few paragraphs which always makes an enjoyable read. You have my backing. I love it. I'd like to see this in a bookstore someday. :)).

I only read a little and I was hooked,.you had me smiling within the first few paragraphs which always makes an enjoyable read. You have my backing. I love it. I'd like to see this in a bookstore someday. :)).

I have come back to this book time and time again and I've succeeded in finally reading the whole thing. I love the types of books that make me want to jump inside and live forever. This is definitely one of them. It's wonderfully written. The only thing I saw was.. well, I'm not sure of the chapter, but it's when Erica and Sara get to the Academy and find the library. When Erica is looking for a calendar, it's repeated twice a few sentences apart that she needed to find one. Other than that, I had no qualms with this book and I simply can not wait for the next one. It's a wonderful piece. I honestly can't find enough positive words to describe it. It's going on my book shelf and staying there. Great job!

Hi Christine:
Having read the first chapter I skipped back up to the books profile and snap, I thought it a 'young adult' pitch and it proved to be. I felt it ideally suited to its market. I am not a young adult but still found the book engaging and well written. You obviously care about your writing and it shows. I haven't read the other comments but I for one thought the book more than marketable. I hope these comments helped.
R.M.A

Great deliberate writing and a strong story. Kick it up with a few more hooks and ramp a little more tension and this will really be a flame thrower. I'll read and review but keep the strong descriptive narrative. It's one of your strengths.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

Hi Christine

I read the first three chapters and enjoyed the different character introductions. I kind of agree with some of previous remarks about how much and how "wordy" some parts are. I know when I first started editing it was a bit tough to remove whole chunks of text that I'd spent hours deliberating over - but a really good exercise is to go through each chapter and decide what the essential aspects are that you need to get across. Any more than that you probably don't need. Leave your reader some things to work out for themselves - it will keep them thinking - which in turn keeps them reading.

I wonder if the first dream sequence and subsequent dream sequences could be made stronger somehow and it made very clear when the reader is entering into that environment. I liked the hint of what was to come with the voice whispering in her ear at the beginning - and I think dream sequences are very important to the story, so somehow they need to be distinguished from the day to day stuff.

I think the mystery of the dream fellow with green eyes is a good YA premise and hopefully I'll read more soon.

Christine,

I have enjoyed two chapters and I think you're a very talented writer even though I also agree with Sharda when she said 'there was nothing I could really get worked up about.' You might want to consider working on the first chapter to inject a little more excitement into it to hook your reader. I'm sure, though, with a little work and polishing this book will do well in the YA genre. I wish you the best of luck with it and look forward to your thoughts on Third Time's the Charm.

♪ Nina ♪

Christine, as promised, I took a look at this. I liked the opening, but too soon it turned into something I feel I've seen a lot of on TV. I just read Sharda D's comments and I have to agree with her. It needs more wackiness, or off the wall stuff, or unexpected, unpredictable characters or plot curves. For an editor to take this book on, it would need to stand out from the crowd. Sorry if this sounds harsh - don't give up, rewrite and rewrite! My book here took 15 years and I am still rewriting - best of luck, FRances.

Hi Christine
I've read and commented on
all the books on my list. It took longer than expected, I'm setting up for next week's reading. I would like to propose a swap. Would you read, comment and if you feel it has merit rate my book please?
Meanwhile I'm putting your book on my WL
Look forward to hear from you.
Kind regards
Maretha/ African Adventures of Flame... and Friends

Christine:
All comments are offered in the spirit of making your writing more tight and vibrant. Take what you want, discard what you don't. (I'm a former journalist and writing is still an important part of my current job, so I can be pretty nitpicky). These are my comments on the first chapter, but many of them are themes that would probably apply beyond:
• Make every word count. If you say "enormous" you don't need "in size" it's implied. Similarly, if you say "dressed up" you don't need to say "in fancy clothes" If you say "Each" you don't need to say "one of them." If you say "my" you don't need "own" also. As in "my thoughts..." not "my own thoughts" These are just some examples, but I found plenty more. This is important for you as your word count is over 110,000, which is considered too long for a YA novel.
• What is a bodice tight dress? That description isn't clear. Perhaps "dresses with tight bodices that flared into full skirts"
• Did couples "dance in unison" as in they were doing a courtly line dance" or did they sweep across the dance floor in time to the music?
• I don't understand how your dream consisted of "Blackness" if you constantly dreamt of the ballroom?
• Was a tank top appropriate for Canadian weather in October? If not, mention that it was an unseasonably warm day or have her wear something else. This becomes relevant later on because you say Nikki's hair is darkening with winter coming...
• How does one "get in" to Toronto? Do you mean a university? Otherwise, you should say "It didn't matter how I got there."
• Watch your word choices. What are "diminishing" bricks? Are they getting smaller or are they fading? Did you "make" the teacher sit on the chocolate or did you "trick" her into doing it? Would they have let you stay in class the "rest of the day" for doing that or was Poopy Pants a nickname you then gave her later....
• What "whole description" did Nikki fit???
• Was Sara next to Nikki when Nikki called you? If so, mention that when Erica turns around.
• Make word choices carefully. If someone gives an "odd look" it shouldn't turn into a "weird trance" in the next sentence. They are different things and shouldn't be used interchangeably.
The premise of the book sounds interesting and hopefully I'll have a chance to read more soon so I can watch it develop. You have a good ear for dialogue, which is something I have trouble with, so I'm jealous. ;P
Best,
Melissa

The first chapter has left me very, very curious for what comes next! I'm excited to read on. You have good, believable characters, though perhaps a bit stereotyped. (This is, however, only my impression after the first chapter, and may change as the characters do.) Your dialogue is natural, and you don't hint too much at the mysteries to come which might be dangerously confusing.

This is the prototype of craftsmanship. Its immaculate. Every line/sentence/paragraph flow well

Your speeches are catchy and addictive....
"Everything looked rehearsed"
"He was wearing his usual dress but non-dress attire"
"His expression was full of uneasiness"

I got to read on as soon as time allowed. I read chapter one

6 stars + recommended

Spark
The narrative voice is authentic as is the dialogue and so your readers are going to be able to identify with Erica - I think that is one of the strengths of your writing, Christine. Readers will be able to connect with the characters and the plot is intriguing, providing them with hooks to want to continue to read. I have read the first few chapters and can see the potential in 'Spark'.
Good luck; loads of stars from me.
Maria (Georgina's Family)

Hi Christine,
this is a charming story, with an authentic teenage first person narrative and a happy-go-lucky style. The pace is good and the dialogue and references are appropriate.
But there was nothing I could really get worked up. Try for a stronger Chp1. Grab your reader by the lapels and make them want to turn the page! From your pitch I can see you've got good stuff coming up, but a dream then someone getting ready for school isn't the most exciting way to start regardless of how many hot guys they bump into in the corridor!
Also I read a lot of YA on Authonomy and almost everytime a male love interest shows up they are described as good looking or 'really hot', muscular with 'messy' or 'tousled' hair and lovely eyes & smile. It all feels so generic. Try finding a photograph of someone who looks like your character (who isn't a model or a film star) and describe them, you'll get a much better character description. Also, isn't the bumping-into-love-interest-in-the-school-corridor-and-dropping-books scenario one of the biggest cliches around??
I want something different please! Surprise me, don't pull your punches!
5 stars for now.
All the best,
Sharda.
P.S. I think we were doing a reading swap. Would love your opinions on mine when you have a moment.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

Hello

This is well-written. I like your references to movies that the kids reading this would know. So I think that touch of reality will help propel the story. You've done a good job of developing your characters. The descriptions are done in a way not to bog down the prose. The pace and flow are good and this is definitely written for the targeted age group. I enjoyed reading it even though I am much older than the average age of interest for this story.

Thanks for sharing and I wish you the best of luck.
Jennifer Killby - The Legend of the Travelers: Willow's Journey

Very fascinating and got me interested, well written characters too. Best of luck, I will come on by again to read more when time permits but great so far.
SaeraWrites
The Wizard Of Crescent Keep

Great short pitch with plenty of intrigue, I definitely wanted to take a look at this, however I’ve read four chapters and find it just a little too YA for me! Too much teen angst and issues which obviously your target audience will love!

Your characters are certainly well described; I could visualise them easily. Maybe a little over-descriptive, for example someone’s features or what they’re wearing almost tends to read like a list, more “telling” than “showing”.

I also felt it moved a little slowly, I wanted more to happen in those first chapters to grab my attention. Instead I got an inkling of what is going on but not enough of a hook to make me continue to find out. This could be my short attention span though!

These are just my unqualified observations. I think you have a great story here and I wish you lots of luck with its success!

The first chapter is really well paced, the tense is throwing me off. Its not you its just me. Dont worry. lol..

But yes, there is a pretty noticeable amount of tension between the characters and you portray that well. Enough so witht he whole beginning dream keeps readers captivated to read on and figure out what will be happening.

Good ending to the first chapter.

As time allows me i will keep reading on slowly for now Ive only read the first two chapters.

-Deborah =D

I have enjoyed what I have read so far. I think this genre is very popular at the moment and you have a real talent for it.Your writing flows well from chapter to chapter. I found Brandon and Erica really interesting characters I would like to see how they progress. On my watchlist give it some stars too.

Hey.
I've just read some of your book, its well written and i will be reading more later.
EllenMichelle :)
'A Model's Summer'

Not being my favourite genre, I am probably far too old and not the best judge here, but I was certainly intrigued and drawn in by the excellent beginning.
I admit I faded out a little as the story progressed. I found too many adgectives of excess - everything too repeatedly gorgeous, huge and beautiful. The vocabulary seemed limited and I began to lose interest.
But some excellent qualities promptly drew me back - and the prose once again became dynamic.
I think this book has tremendous scope and promise. Maybe a slight rewrite and edit would help it along. Or perhaps I'm just not the ideal reader here.

Brilliant prose that draw the reader in from the beginning, resonates well with a lot of the younger readers who find fantasy and romance on the same platform. Your well thought out description keeps the reader engaged into the story and keeps them entertained and wanting more! Well done!

This book has a good start and easily draws you in to read more.Will be keeping a eye on this. One thing though, what does chided mean? I have never heard of it before

Read the first couple of chapters- great stuff; I can see this appealing to fans of paranormal romance. The suspense and Erica's mysterious connection to the new boy will keep teenage readers turning the pages. The writing flows, and is well-suited to the target audience. I'm intrigued to find out how the supernatural element develops, and I'll be reading more soon. This is a great start to your book- I'll be keeping it on my watchlist. Best of luck with this; I'm sure it'lll do well!
Emma

It appears that you are writing for the right demographic. Your use of humor and imageryare very good. I think any teenage/young adult girl will be very intrigued. Even though I'm 30, I'm stuck with the mind of a 17-year-old and your writing keeps my attention. Great job! I feel sure your name will be published one day!

Hi Christine,

Well I've read three chapters and I'm ready to comment. Below are my findings, they are likely worthless, so feel free to disregard.

Erica mentioned she hated her small town. I got that. And then it was mentioned about ten more times. We get it, she hates her small town. The reader doesn't need you to hammer the point in that much. Also it made her seem (to me) whiny.

The line "...air beggining to turn crisp with the October air" sounded odd to me. Maybe find another word to replace the second 'air'.

You use the words "gorgeous" and "bright" an awful lot. If I noticed, other people might as well. I'm sure you have a broad vocabulary, so you should vary it a little bit. Both those words have a ton of synonyms.

I found a lot of missing commas in the dialogue portions. I didn't note them down though, but you may want to go through the dialogue in Chapter 2 and find the errors.

The line "...I would finish that last word, but I don't like cursing". Seemed strange. A lot of people say bull instead of bullshit, so it sort of threw me off. Furthermore, I could already tell she didn't like cursing, since there was none in what I read prior, so I already knew that -- sort of seemed like useless information.

There are a lot of adjectives going on. I can't really blame you for this, since I am guilty of the same, but try paring it down some. Nikki was wearing a bright pink sweatshirt, and big brown eyes. Oh and Brandon has bright blue eyes. All these were so close together, it was sort of overwhelming -- and again, the overuse of 'bright'.

The characters seem sort of flat. I know this is a YA novel, and a lot of YA novels seem to have flat characters (in my opinion) but they all seem a little too giddy and a little too perfect. Flaws make readers fall in love with characters, not their perfection. Plus the flaws make them unique, not their body type or hair color.

One line made my nose wrinkle, "..I wanted to jump up, do a shimmy, and be like..." I know kids talk this way, the constant "like" but the narration doesn't need to be that way. Save the like's for the dialogue.

I know this review may have seemed o0verly harsh, but those are just the flaws I found. Overall, it read like a good YA novel does, but I hope it picks up past Chapter 3 because to be honest I was getting really bored with the high school thing, having dinner with parents, studying thing. I left highschool a long time ago and don't care to go back, haha. It flows well, the dialogue is true to the age of the characters, and your mechanics are in good shape (aside from those missing commas I mentioned). I would work on getting rid of extraneous adjectives and giving the characters some depth -- I can tell this is going to be character driven, and characters need to have some sort of complexity to truly carry a novel.

Melissa

Well this had a great start to it!!! I'll be looking forward to reading more!!!


Hayley E.

Very descriptive with a young adult feel. Very much along the lines of Twilight, too. I hope you do well
Bridget
The Road from Makhonjwa

Wow, you're a natural writer. The opening sentence really pulled me in. I've just finished the first chapter and I'm totally impressed with the brevity of your skill. I look forward to reading more, but right now, I'm bowled over by your talent (and a big bit envious!)
Francis

It's hard to believe you are only 18-years-old by reading this book. You have a true talent for writing and should be extremely proud of yourself Christine.

After reading through the first few chapters, I am amazed at your talented writing skills, ability to draw me in and this captivating idea for a story. I even love the front cover that has been designed for this book, which will indefinitely be published one day. Never give up as you are going to be huge one day! Good luck xx

I do promise not to clog up your entire comment page with my ramblings, But seen as the first Chapter is the most important I figured it would be the most important feedback I could give. To start I've found a few little things that I picked up on that really stopped me from enjoying the flow of the story - This page wont let me copy & paste, so i'm just going to have to tell you what I can remember. 1: When Erica first wakes up she's describing her hair and eyes. I think rather than putting 'her hair instead of being ringlets was frizzy and her eyes were red and puffy', it could be a bit more descriptive. Its a perfect way to really describe how she looks . 2: I know this a random one but it stuck with me, When Erica describes the front of her house she says there is a small garden of Lilies. I think its an odd choice of flower (I told you this was random) something a bit more 'normal' would work better, perhaps something that originates from the region she lives in.
and finally 3: When Erica is stood with her friends and her boyfriend you describe how a series of looks got exchanged between the group. I had to re-read them parts as I thought I'd missed something out. But there wasn't any explanation for her friends trance or her boyfriends weird looks before she went to her locker. I think you should either ditch that part or maybe explain why.
Even though this isn't the most amazing first Chapter I have ever read, you write well. I will definitely be reading on. I hope my feedback has been of some help to you and I will give more when I finish reading the entire thing. :)

R.Swain
'The Catchers'

Okay so before I start I thought I'd give you some feedback of my first impressions. To start I love the eye's on the cover, I personally have a massive thing for eyes and the ones on the cover are beautiful. Secondly I feel a whole Twilight vibe coming from the pitch and the Tags (this is my personal opinion). This is not a bad thing, Stephanie Meyer wasn't the first person to write a story like this and to be honest there was things even she could have written better. I'm looking forward to reading the first chapter and hoping to find a story that will feed my love for escapism and leave me addicted for more. Overall I get an excellent first impression from Spark. I will leave more feedback after I've actually read some of the book :)

R.Swain.
'The Catchers'

Still interesting story. The whole thing about the eyes is very drawing to the reader you want to see what it is all about.
The writing is still flowing extremely well.
Your style of writing is creative as well as drawing to the readers.
Glad to see that your book is still climbing the charts.
Keep pressing on.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Christine! :) You changed the first few paragraphs in the beginning and I love it! You used like a few lines to make such a beautiful and rich scene, good job! :)

Don't be afraid to "alter" other parts too :) You're doing a great piece of work here :)

Robert Eetheart
A Candle's End

I had trouble getting into the story. That might be at least in part because I don't like first person as a point of view, but I also wanted something to happen from the very beginning. You have the main character waking up in the 'same' room and being disappointed. It might just be me. I know that I have a very short attention span. But so do a lot of other people and if you are aiming this book at teens, you have to grab their attention from the start. On the plus side, I didn't see anything wrong with your writing. It flows well and your dialogue is good. Once I got going I enjoyed the story. But to be honest with you, if I picked this up at the bookstore and read the first paragraph, I would not buy it. Most readers won't stand in the book aisle long enough to finish a whole chapter. For me it didn't pick up until the end of chapter one. Of course this is just my opinion. You are welcome to take it or ignore it.

Okie so Christine,

I know I said I was going to read this a chapter a day but I couldn't help but continue reading! I'm loving how easily this story is unfolding and I'm compelled deep in the events with Erica. I've been reading for most of the day and still need to read on.

Chapter 6 and onwards now :)

Love it!

Carley

Christine,

I can't tell you how deep I am in your story just from the first chapter! I love your writing style, it's so easy to read and realistic, I can easily relate to the main character, seeing everything threw her eyes, without even having to try. This is definitely the type of book I choose to read and I can't wait to read the next chapters! As I'm new I can see I have a lot of catching up to do but I can say I'll be happy to do so.

I'm going to aim to read a chapter a day just so I don't overwhelm myself as I want to read this seriously. I love the way you describe and I find myself relating to quirks that your main character has, very often, which is very comforting.

I'm adding this to my shelve :)

Carley

Well, your style is nothing exceptional, as your story is something that can happen to a girl anywhere in the world, and I hope it developes into something exceptional, and considering how you write I don't think you will have much difficulty.
My advice is: Delete all your adjectives and adverbs and replace the ones you find absolutely neccessary as you are clogging your style.
And your phrasing, "I let out a breath of disappointment" (after seeing the state of your room). Describe the room if you must, but I can't imagine dissapointment being an emotion after waking up in the same room. every day. You would lead a dissapointing home life if that were the case.
Let the reader decide, don't tell all the time, describe something or somebody in pieces, this isn't a parade where you line up your characters. And don't describe yourself in the mirror, say something like: "I refrained from examining my appearance as I stood before the bathroom mirror, cleaning my teeth, I would see the same..." then describe how you look in the mornings and "...I decided the best thing was to take a shower."
BTW, doesn't she wear underwear?
Best of luck with this.

Well, your style is nothing exceptional, as your story is something that can happen to a girl anywhere in the world, and I hope it developes into something exceptional, and considering how you write I don't think you will have much difficulty.
My advice is: Delete all your adjectives and adverbs and replace the ones you find absolutely neccessary as you are clogging your style.
And your phrasing, "I let out a breath of disappointment" (after seeing the state of your room). Describe the room if you must, but I can't imagine dissapointment being an emotion after waking up in the same room. every day. You would lead a dissapointing home life if that were the case.
Let the reader decide, don't tell all the time, describe something or somebody in pieces, this isn't a parade where you line up your characters. And don't describe yourself in the mirror, say something like: "I refrained from examining my appearance as I stood before the bathroom mirror, cleaning my teeth, I would see the same..." then describe how you look in the mornings and "...I decided the best thing was to take a shower."
BTW, doesn't she wear underwear?
Best of luck with this.

Hey Christine, here’s my return read-swap….finally!

Chapter 1
- I have a pet peeve of authors describing their characters so quickly, and copping out by having their characters look in a mirror and describe themselves. I’m not saying it’s wrong, it’s just a pet peeve of mine.
- Bracebridge! I know that place! I love books set in Canada. I actually worked for a few days a bit north of there in Burk’s Falls. But I digress.
- You repeat fading bricks a few times.
- And the description just keeps on coming. It’s a lot all at once, and I feel as though the characters are on a runway as you describe them. Perhaps you could make their description a bit more subtle. Rather than just listing off each trait bang bang bang, insert it into the regular narration, and spread it out. We don’t need to know everything at once.
- I hope you wrote this after Glee started, because when you mention Coach Sylvester, that’s all I can think of, despite your character being male. Just mentioning nationals, even though it’s for volleyball makes me think of it as well. That’s my fault, though.
- I want to like your characters, but they all seem so perfect, even Erica. The most realistic moment was when she was having hair problems. The guys are all hot and muscular, the girls are all pretty and nearly perfect. I can’t see any flaws and it’s making me not want to connect with any of them.


You have some moments of really fine writing, but it’s covered with a lot of rough work. Work on each character separately to really bring them out in the book, and then bring them all together. Keep working at the dialogue as well. As with the characters currently, it seems a bit too perfect. For contemporary books, proper grammar in dialogue isn’t always really necessary. Think about how people really talk. We put prepositions at the ends of sentences. We say gonna, gotta, hafta, and things like that. Since this book is written in the first person, you can bring that style into your narration as well. Do people actually say scarcely when they think to themselves?

I’d love to see this after a good polishing. I can see glimmers of a diamond in this. I hope you don’t take this as a negative review. I’m picky with every book (Authonomy or published) about certain things. Sorry again that it took me so long!

- Nichole

So I had a moment between washing dishes and putting the laundry on so I read through chapter one, I like and will be back to read more and comment! Just wanted to let you know I've begun reading! xx

Hey

apologies for not getting backto you sooner. I have read the first couple of chapters and I enjoyed what I read. There were a few grammatical errors, but overall it was very well written - very easy to follow.
I knew exactly how the character "Erica" was feeling. You expressed all the emotions well. How it feels when you have grown up in a small /rural place. The point that comes (for most) when everything feels dull and lifelesss, and it is time to look further afield. The effect that someone you connect with has upon you, versus the connection you discover with someone new.
I think you have expressed yourself well, You definitely have a talent for writing. keep up the good work!
5 stars and wl.

All the best.
Lee

Hi Christine.
It's great to have a young adult writer, writing for young adult readers. You've really captured the essence of what it's like to be young. Something that older writers soon forget.
Your story line is great and your characters are full and believable.
Some editing needs doing with your punctuation, here and there.
'A shed of darkness' sounds strange, I wanted it to be 'shread' but when I thought about it I decided it was okay. It distracted me for a while.
All in all, it's a great read for a growing market. I think you'll go far.
All the best.
Pollyanna. 'Marsupeople'.

Christine, i have read the first two chapters and am here to comment. This is intriguing so far, with some interesting hints about what is going to happen later, with Erica seeing purple and the strange connection she feels with Damen. This is well written, though I came across a few sentences that made me stumble as I read them. For example 'The boy I found myself in the presence of...' this just didn't flow well, and you could use less words to get your meaning across, for example-The boy standing in front of me... In the same way, some of your descriptions could be cleaned up a little. The line about Nikki being half-Columbian doesn't read well because first Erica refers to Nikki as 'the girl' and later in the same sentence she says 'making any girl stare enviously'. It is unclear what 'unimaginable green' looks like, so maybe you could elaborate a little more on Damen's eye color, since Erica is so struck by it.

Beware of cliches, like Erica saying that she knew the town like her own hand.

Sometimes Erica's thoughts ramble, like when she's looking at Damen's watch and starts thinking about Nikki's dad being the only one in town who would wear such an expensive watch, but he's hardly around because of his demanding job. I thought that interrupted the flow. It seems like an extraneous detail that isn't important. If it is important, then I would suggest working it in somewhere a little more pertinent, like when Nikki is talking about the father-daughter dinner.

Sometimes Erica's thoughts seem to bog down the flow of the story. Do we need to know up front that Brandon and Nikki lost their virginity to each other? Is that pertinent to the story at all? If it doesn't put a strain on Erica's relationship with Nikki, or her relationship with Brandon, then does the reader need to know at all? Similarly, Erica's history with Cody is probably pertinent, but could be summed up a little more so that we don't get lost in the past and the story keeps moving forward.

These are just suggestions, and I hope they are helpful.

Christine, I have read the first two chapters, as promised, as I am not the most qualified on this site to speak to points of grammar & style, I will leave that for those who are to comment on.

I must say I really enjoyed what I have read so far. The characters are believable, and the dialogue flows naturally. There was only one phrase that stuck out as seeming forced and didn't fit with Erica's voice, "with her long and wavy dark-brown hair that was gradually getting darker with the waxing winter." Some how to me, waxing winter isn't an expression teen girls would be familiar with. Anyway just my thoughts.

You have made a great start, love the flow. It's not my usual genre, but I do know a few teen girls who would love it, keep up the great work. It remains on my WL, and I will keep reading.

Linda

Dear Christine,

Just read your first two chapters and thought I’d leave a comment now : ) Not sure if I’ll get around to more tonight - need to start sleeping again haha (After uploading on Monday, I think this site has literally taken over my life!)

SO, down to business, I want to commend you on a wonderful job so far : )
I must admit, normally this style of book/young adult wouldn’t really appeal to me much… okay, I am a young adult, but still! I tend to want to delve into deep psychological turmoil and all sorts of grandiose issues on life death and the universe, BUT

What I can say is that you do have a real talent. I can also see you are very passionate with your writing; from how polished and perfected your writing is. Great to see. I highly congratulate you - it’s definitely not easy!

Now to more about your actual story --- you really set the foundations well in the beginning. The characters are introduced; with just the right background information to give them some substance, without overloading the reader and making it irritating/disrupting the flow. You use dialogue well in this character construction - definitely have a strong mastery and handle over dialogue. I like how you interject the dialogue with thoughts/descriptions… I actually hate just reading blocks of dialogue with no link to how the characters are actually feeling/what they are thinking/etc. Normally, if dialogue isn’t perfect, alarm bells immediately go off in my head and I’m tempted to put the book down. That did not happen with you, I’m so glad!

I also like your voice. You make it easy for the reader to engage - and also, being a young person, I can really put myself into this story. That is great : )

I think you have the talent and the ideas to pull off a great book, and I’m really interested to see where this is headed. I’ve been pleasantly delighted so far and keen to keep reading! Well done, I’m not an easy person to hook… I tend to be pretty harsh and tiny things irritate me. Always willing to push through and give feedback on how to fix those ‘tiny’ things. But this has been nice to read, I haven’t had to think too much about what improvements I can offer you… because really I don’t think there is that much improvement… Forgive me, I guess I haven’t been too useful!

Anyway, top job, high stars and on ma watchlist while I read some more!

Best wishes,
Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction

I have been reading your book but I felt I had to comment its not really my genre but thank you for pointing me towards your book. you write very well and the dialogue between the characters kept me gripped. On my watchlist highly starred!