MageSign

Wow. I've only read the first chapter, but that is a definite hook. I'm impressed by how quickly the pace changes, and the language used is smooth and stylish throughout.
Can't think of much criticism, and work's catching up to me, so I can't read on, but this is getting a good rating for me.

Dan.

Chapter 2. I think you write well and certainly better than a lot I have read so far. There is a lot of description, but it is well written. Chapter 3 and 4 were easier to read as there was speech, which made it more interesting. Good work

Good writing and flows well. kept me interested and I easily read to the end.

Alan,

I read the second chapter yesterday, but didn't have time to comment. I actually recommended this book in the forum yesterday. I like this, and I think it deserves to be read.

But I'm going to be a bit harsh on this, because I think the story structure deserves it. After the great start, I feel that an agent might put the manuscript aside in this chapter. Not because of the plot, but the language is flat. I didn't notice this in the first cha[ter, maybe because so much was happening, or maybe because you've added it later and your writing has changed.

This chapter... copy it into Word, and with the search & replace function, see how often you've used the words 'was' or 'had'. I'm guessing there are very few sentences that don't contain either of these words. Not that they're bad words or that you shouldn't use them, but when you use them in every sentence, the writing becomes repetitive, flat. The verb 'to be' is one of the most powerful words, but it's also the most bland one. Go and find some of your was-s and get rid of them. You can almost always replace constructions like 'was sitting' with 'sat'. It's shorter, snappier, and doesn't change the meaning of the sentence, except in selected cases. The other instances of 'was' - try to find some more evocative verbs. Most of the had-s could probably be dispensed with altogether.

Go through the text and weed out extra words that don't pull their weight. Less wordy sentences means a quicker, easier read. Unfortunately I can't copy & paste on this site, or I'd give some examples. I think you could shave about 25% in word count off this chapter without losing a sentence.

Hi Patty

Thanks for the feedback - I'm glad you enjoyed what you've read so far. This book is actually the sequel to my first novel, RealmShift, which also has the first three chapters here on Authonomy. I'd love to hear what you think of that too.

Cheers

Alan

Alan,

The first to comment? You had better make some comments as well, because I just read the prologue, and I liked what I read. I was going to comment that to start a bookwith a birth is really cliche, and it is, but in this case, it works, especially with the child being kidnapped. I have to go and cook dinner, but I will definitely be back.