Wednesday's Child

Hi, Jenny. I read the eight uploaded chapters. I have to say, this is an incredibly powerful story. I love historical fiction anyway but I really enjoyed reading your book. In my opinion you really nailed the atmosphere and tension of such a turbulent time. Honoria's ordeal made all the worse because of her sheltered background, the injustice of her situation. Such a mindblowing calamity for her to see her world turned upside down as each of the barriers between her and the harsh realities of life are stripped away. As the people she once considered her own rocks beaten and devoid of hope. To go from a priviliged position in society where her main worries were what dress to wear to be driven so low. Really excellent.

Paul.

Crit it forward review.

It was very easy to read all you have posted as your style of writing is well paced and fluent. There is just the right amount of back story and added description, such as the hairdresser bringing the unwrapped fruit, and the maid trying on her mother's lipstick. There are a few typos and misplaced question marks in chapter 8, the first chapters I didn't notice any.

I would definitely like to read more of this. I wonder how how much 'horror' will be described in the rest of the book- reading through the eyes of an immature 15 year old so far feels the book is aimed at younger readers although the topic is obviously going to be adult.

I am glad I got this book to read, I'm intrigued to how much of the Indian culture you have researched for writing this, or do you have personal experience or interest?

Best of luck with this

Jo

Dear Jennifer,

Visceral, this stunning story of yours. The mc of *Wednesday's Child* is fifteen, but the way this is written, any one of us can feel as she feels, be in her shoes. Honoria grows before our eyes, as her upbringing in Calcutta, up to the terrible times of India's partition, shows her stoicism, her kindness, and the words of her family's loyal guard, Peter, continually give her the strength to survive.

This extract leaves us (at ch.8) with a mind-blowing statement. With someone who appears to have saved Honoria from a fate worse than death, and yet we are plunged with her into one worse, perhaps, than death itself.

From the terrific start, we are on the ride with her, see what she sees. We also meet people once trusted, regarded as friends, who have turned into terrifying strangers. That Hindu/Muslim divide made the world a fearful place, and what happened to some, such as *Sammy*, is beyond repair. Sammy, who now hates the English name, and hates with murderous intent.

The journey from hell when Honoria is taken, gives us others to fear for as well as our strong little Honoria. Her poor Nanny, the big, brave Peter, beautiful Barbara who may be facing a fate even worse than Honoria's for daring to speak out.

Honoria's dignity is palpable throughout, as in *And she would at least not disgrace herself in that way*. It is so poignant, as is Peter coming to her aid by shielding her when the group is allowed two minutes for a toilet break in the woods. And how Honoria becomes a kind of nanny to her own lady in distress. And Peter's repeated mantra for her to have and hold, *Don't cry in front of this lot, missy baba.* I cried for her.

The *lady* we meet at the end of this extract, is described rather deliciously... *...Eyes like pieces of coal - lips red from betel that she chewed looked like a coiled snake about to strike*. And strike she undoubtedly does.

Crits??? Okay - a couple I've already messaged you about, which are nothing, really. I just found one other minor thing in the very first chapter... ha. I don't think you need *She wondered.* near the beginning after those italicized lines of thought.

Everything else is acha-acha! Perfect. India of days gone by in the raw. A girl, and her friends, all to fear for, but especially the girl, Honoria.

SIX stars - absolutely, nothing less will do. On my shelf, too, of course.

From Kay with a lot of love and admiration for a work that is simply stunning xxx

Jennifer, you are gifted with suspenseful storytelling. As I sit here trying to compose a worthy comment, all I can think is that my heart never stopped pounding all the way through to the last word of chapter 8. It’s still pounding! I literally devoured this story, and that doesn’t happen often to me. I feel like my world was torn apart by angry Indian rebels, and I’ll never be found again.

Well done. *Very* well done. I found a couple of grammatical errors, but I really couldn’t begin to tell you where they were. I wasn’t paying any attention!

Hana Bathir
Sea of Jasmine

This is a gripping story, Jenny. A fantastic opening that throws you straight into the drama. You've done your research well and it shows. Great characters, particularly Honoria and Nanny. Clear prose, great pacing and detailed descriptions, but not so much that we as a reader are bogged down. Top marks for this and I wish you all the best with it. Highly rated, well done.

This is one of the few books on site I have read from start to finish, all eight chapters loaded. It is a terrific book: well-paced, well-written, and captures the madness of the times.
With partition, all the social barriers break down and deep animosities come to the surface in a powerful way.
I liked how the captives drew together in their adversity and how they desperately seek for signs of freedom or relief.

The prose is clear, unpretentious, and unambiguous. A good blend of background information and immediate story. My sort of story. The dialogue was convincing, apart from when Honoria said. 'Perhaps a boat capsized somewhere? How very sad' I felt the second sentence jarred in its character naivety. Apart from that, excellent, and shelved.

Jenny,

A gripping opening in which the atmosphere of the period is portrayed in splendid fashion. We have the colour and mix of religions and the picture of the sahib's home and servants. Then comes the angry mob and the shocking capture of the teenage girl.

A couple of points, meant to be constructive, from the first four chapters. Once or twice I felt Honoria was a little too naive for a fifteen year old. Okay, she led a sheltered life at home - but would have learned things from school friends. Also an edit would tighten the beginning and help the flow. For example in ch 3 the phrase 'ever so slightly' occurs three times. I would delete it each time.

But overall a fine story. High stars!

Camac Johnson
Hemingway Quest (previously titled Untouchable)

This is very well written. It shows a lot of heart to it.
There is a lot of sadness to this real to life story.
Super well written.
Best wishes with it.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Dear Jenny
Having read many stories about India and Pakistan by some of the world's greatest Indian Pakistani writers, I saw parallels with your writing and was drawn into the drama of your story quickly. I was impressed and read all eight chapters. Leaving at chapter 8 I wonder how the story pans out. I hope your go all the way.
Regards
Bridget
The Road from Makhonjwa

Very well written.
I like how you start off with action to catch the reader's attention.
Your writing flows well as you develop your story.
The title is different and your pitch is well written.
Best wishes.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

This book is structured well with emotional and educational aspects. I now know a lot about India.

Its intriguing and packed with suspense to keep on your seat

overall, a fantastic book.

6 stars
I

Jennifer,
I have read everything that you posted. This is because I could not put it down. I was frankly relieved that you did not post all 95,000 words, as I am sure I would have had to read it in one sitting and neglected feeding and grooming.
This is very exciting and well written. The ambiance is very well laid out, and the historical elements are compelling. I give this top stars and will find room on my shelf for it in an upcoming shuffle.
Hook and plot- using a little girl as the MC adds to the tension as we are plunged right into the melee. I found myself tensing up as I read about the door creaking under the weight of the attackers' onslaught. This is very good first chapter hooking, filled with atmosphere while not neglecting the back story.
The plot is a classic plot so far- the hostage sold into prostitution plot. As I often say, there is nothing wrong with using these formulas which have worked so well in the past. What is important are the details, that which makes the classic shape more interesting. I think you have several things going for you here, particularly the characterization and ambiance, which bring this rendering of the classic plot to an exciting life.
Character development- so far you focus on one character, but that character is very much alive. I don't mean to say that Peter and Nanny are not well developed, but you really do keep them in the background. In fact, I was under the impression that Nanny was Indian until you mentioned that her family was from New Zealand -I think it was the fact that she spoke in Hindi at the gang that confused me. However, Honoria is very well developed. She seems so fragile and vulnerable but kind hearted and understanding that she makes a fabulous mc for the book. I saw that another reviewer said she was 15. I did not notice this- I was unsure of her age, but imagined her younger, about 12 maybe. I liked her consistent faith in human nature, believing her captors will wake up out of their stupor and her parents would find her.
I found the conversation with Peter, when had lost all hope, particularly moving.
Ambiance and setting- this is a great setting because it is famous and chaotic. So much could happen in the context of the free for all. I thought your ambience was very well done. I particularly liked the river scene with the corpses. Eerie and moving.
Your writing is clear and smooth and transported me.
Very nicely done.
Best,
Maeve

Jennifer, I can only echo loudly all the positive comments received by Wednesday's Child. In particular I appreciated how you blend the author's voice with Honoria's personal reactions to their unremitting tortures, thus making it a well-controlled drama of a nightmarish journey which a reader like me is compelled to be part of.
And behind it all are the historical facts, when India was tearing to shreds not only Hindu and Muslim, but also what seem to us innocent bystanders - suddenly,vengefully, violently, Why? we say. The British Raj has the answers.
Highest stars for a superb novel,which I place on my watch-list for the next possible backing.
David Grant.
Pompey Chimes

I had a friend who lived in India during this tumultuous time. The novel quickly captures the spirit of those days the reader is immediately drawn into the story by its powerful opening.

Fascinating reading, I think this deserves a chance on the editor's desk.

Betty K "The Tea Merchant's Challenge."

I've just read the eight chapters uploaded and have been glued to the screen, in that way where you're almost afraid to read on because your head is leaping ahead imagining what horrors will befall the MC next. This is a difficult subject, very well dealt with. I don't know how explicit the later chapters are but the fear, indignity, pain and depth of the kidnapping are described with a level of description that portrays the brutality. The bloated bodies in the water, when they were taken off the bus, was a very strong image which said a great deal but yet the pace is kept sharp, twisting and keeping the reader bound to the events.

The innocence of poor Honoria, who has lead such a sheltered life, brought up with parents who are financially and socially comfortable but also fair and equal in their dealing with others. The kidnapping is so beyond her realm of understanding and she doesn't even understand what the words mishale and brothel mean. The reader is so attached to her by that stage and the concern for her is palpable.

A tense, pacey journey that grabs the reader from the first line and keeps them bound to Honoria. Nothing to say but praise for this.

Hi Jenny,
a return read! Thanks again for taking a look at mine.
This is a stunning story, wonderfully told. It is a fantastic start, dramatic and absorbing, right in the thick of things. Honoria’s POV is a brilliant idea, immediately putting a new perspective on an episode in history that tends to be told from the adult/political/religious view point. I read Chps 1-2 and would willingly have read more, it really gripped me.
There were a few niggles, nothing major, feel free to ignore them but I think they would improve the flow of your work. I know you're still editing, so I apologise if you've got these sorted already!
1) Not fond of the font. It is used a lot in primary schools, esp for worksheets etc. so it feels a little too modern & childish, like a comic book. It may affect how people read your work slightly. Sometimes these tiny things can get in the way.
2) You have a slight tendency to put in too many questions/rhetorical questions where they are not needed, e.g. in Chapter 1 “Her hands crossed...” paragraph, you could take out the last two. We know the durwan would usually have guarded the place securely, otherwise, why would she even be thinking about him? Also these exact questions are repeated later as well, when the Nanny asks them. Too many questions slows the pace a little. Also in chp 2, there are lots of questions in the “She turned to Sammy...” paragraph, I know it’s dialogue, but it still feels too many. She would feel perhaps too frightened to ask him too many things that might annoy him.
3) “These were troublesome times; she had heard about the rioting and arson in many parts of the city.” You probably don't need both parts of the sentence, as one sort of explains the other. But the second one sounds a little too much like a signpost or the author trying to set the scene. Doesn't sound like something a 16 year old would think. Also the author's voice also kept cropping up in your choice of vocabulary, taking us away from Honoria's POV too often. Words like "interspersed", "snippets of conversation", "involuntarily", "recuperate", sounded too grown-up even for a 16 year old. Your writing works beautifully when we see things more firmly from Honoria's POV. e.g. I love the bit about the dress – a lovely detail that a 16 year old girl would notice, so strengthening her POV and making us feel fully in her shoes.
4) In chp 2, maybe put the story about trip to Himalayas somewhere else, you break the tension of a very dramatic bit of writing. We want to know whether it’s Sammy or not and whether that will mean they are safe!

These are all tiny, tiny points, but they’ll help when publishers read your work. You’ve got a wonderful idea here, and it’s beautifully executed, just needs a final polish!!
6 stars from me!
All the best,
Sharda.

Jennifer, this story has drawn me in immediately. I am familiar with the story; I have had a number of Indian friends, and I know this war was so terrible that the scars still remain. Although I've only read the first chapter, I'd like to see what happens to her! Honoria will definitely be a memorable heroine.

For improvements-- I saw nothing wrong with the pacing, and the quick descriptions thrown in were effective. I liked the raw emotions you included. The only improvements are editorial--mostly punctuation, a few grammatical:
“Men, strangers”: add a comma after strangers
“her mother kind and sweet,”: add a comma after mother
“The grandfather clock in the hallway, struck right then”: no comma after hallway.
“The shouting and emotion continued through the door”: through is perhaps not the best word choice here. How about “outside”?
“a cold that had reached its peak yesterday”: replace the comma after yesterday with a semicolon.
“Pain poured into her words soft, pleading”: this phrase is rather confusing. Try “Pain formed her soft words; she prayed, pleading…” or “Her soft words were filled with pain. She pleaded…”
“servants…each other having”: add comma after “other”
“Muslims, Hindus and Christians:” in sequences of three or more, add a comma before the and. The only exception for this is in cramped newspapers.
“Shuchun…was Buddhist”: This is your essential sentence; what comes between is an explanatory note, and should be set off with commas before and after.
“brought a sweet, a dried plum…for Honoria”: this sentence is a run-on, but can be fixed easily. Simply say, “a sweet dried plum” and add a comma after Honoria.
“she was treated her like a child”: delete “her”.
I hope this is helpful! I definitely see "Wednesday's Child" as a success!
~Hannah ("Carolina and Hubert"/"Rosalia")

hi, you started with 'honoria was taken on wednesday evening few days before christmsa'. You created a curiosity in readers, i want to know what is it taken where, good start.
Then to went into the issue, describing what's happening. good work.
Poor little girl. Very neive thining to thinking Sammy was a good lad and will listen.
They were taken and thrown into water.
Well written. i could not load chp 7and 8.
Please read ache in my heart and comment and back if possible.

hi, you started with 'honoria was taken on wednesday evening few days before christmsa'. You created a curiosity in readers, i want to know what is it taken where, good start.
Then to went into the issue, describing what's happening. good work.
Poor little girl. Very neive thining to thinking Sammy was a good lad and will listen.
They were taken and thrown into water.
Well written. i could not load chp 7and 8.

Jennifer,

I backed this because I honestly feel that you have a polished product here. So far (only at ch 2, half way through it) I am thoroughly enjoying this book, a very interesting story and strong writing! I am not very good at giving advice or anything like that, but I am good at giving praise where it is due! I would buy this book, just to read it in its entirety.

Will be back for more!

Ashley
The Vedeine Saga: Deception

Hi Jenny,

I should probably start by saying that I feel faintly ridiculous trying to give pointers and such to a writer who has been published before -- lord knows I certainly haven't, but anyway, I took notes on the first 3 chapters that I've read.


Immediately the font threw me off -- is it Comic Sans? Guess I'm just used to the old boring Times New Roman. Anyway, I thought the imagery with the omcoming angry mob was good, but I did think it started to get dragged out a little too long, especially when I read on into the second chapter and it was still going on. It is compelling, don't get me wrong- maybe I was just starting to lose my patience because I wanted to know what would happen next.

I think your characterizations are excellent, and it's clever how a lot of it comes from backstory. I can tell through Honoria's thoughts that her parents are good people, and I feel like I know some of the servants who've been mentioned but not formally introduced to the story because the backstory is so strong. Honoria is immediately a sympathetic MC, possibly because of her age, and/or the kindness of her thoughts. Nanny is a particularly strong character, and from what I read so far I think she'll be something of a rock to Honoria as the story progresses.

I have never been much of a fan of Historical Fiction (I think sometimes just reading it kills off my brain cells) but I did like this, and I can feel the tension of a turbulent time through the prose. It's simple, never over-done, and flows smoothly, and it def. has mainstream appeal. I could easily imagine it on any bookshelf in stores. The cover is amazing.

I'll back it and give it high stars.

Melissa

What can I say? Don't change a word! This is great story telling. You get so much information into the first chapter without slowing the pace and suspense at all. Very clever. Honoria's voice remains that of a naive young girl who has led a very protected life and you maintain that throughout the chapters. It is touching and so is her concern for Peter and Nanny and belief that everyone should be friends whatever race. Easy, I suppose, when you are one of the top dog race but it still makes Honoria and her parents likeable characters. The descriptions are vivid but don't intrude on the pace at all. I read all eight chapters and loved it. I will keep the book on my watchlist until I have a space. I'm afraid it may be a couple of weeks though.

Wednesday's Child
Outstanding: tight narrative, beautiful descriptions and realistic dialogue. I so enjoyed reading this emotionally-charged story set in India at the time of the partition. The book's plot and style grabbed my attention from the onset, a stylish and sophisticated historical page turner.
Honora is a lovely, warm-hearted heroine. On the porch, in the peaceful warm atmosphere as Honora and the nanny chatted, I could easily visualize the fright coming on their faces as they heard angry mens' voices in the distance. I felt as the reader the panic as they hurried to safety nanny hushing flumoxxed Honora behind closed and heavily bolted door. Angry voices became more louder shouting to those huddled together inside: Come out mad dogs and English men!'

Jenny, you write so refreshingly well. I couldn't find anything wrong - it's polished and better then most published.

All in all, I found this an emotional roller-coaster ride of a book. It grabbed my attention from page one and never let go. So moving and heartwarming.
Connie xx
Sinners

I am through the eight chapters ready for more. You put your reader in the story, I could walk in the shoes of Honoria,though I prefer not to be in her crisis situation. From the first chapter, you have set the mood and with each chapter Honoria has lost more and learned much. Great character development set in a turbulent time. I will gladly read more.

Hi Jenny,
Just read all eight chapters of your book. It is very riveting and intense. It's hard to stop and it forces you to continue to read to find out what is happening to poor Honoria. This is well-written and a well-done storyline. I saw the Ghandi movie one time and recall the scenes where India and Pakistan tear each other apart when independence is declared in British India. But nothing gives so much gritty and shocking details of the violence and hate as this story depicts. All the best
Kirk

I read this straight through. You tell a captivating tale that to my ear, and from what I've read of this time period and location seems to be very accurately rendered. Your characters are sympathetic - and in truth, the way you've drawn them - they come across as universally human, they could be anyone, anywhere, yet at the same time, they are very specifically rooted in a historical time and place. I think I read this before but perhaps you've changed and edited the orders of the chapters since then? It seems a bit different than what I remember - the same time period etc. but what you've done here is make the story very real and close to the reader - I don't think its possible to read this and not to sympathize with the main character and her plight - and then the end - the horror! What will become of her. It struck me as a bit cruel that you do not have more posted!!! I would have read on and on. The local color, the people, the dialogue - it was all just so well drawn. In no place did I even remember that I was reading a story that was written by someone - I was so captivated by the world you created and drawn in by our tale. Excellent. On my shelf again. And you've had 6 stars since the day your uploaded this and I had my first read.
- Bunderful

I like the opening. In your description section at the top, you should start with the action.

Regards,
RianTorr
New London Masquerade

I read the first 2 chapters. I believe this could be a very intriguing book with a great deal of suspense and action. I was somewhat confused by the book cover. Is the book not about an English girl named Honoria or is the girl who is definately Indian the main character?
The last paragraph: Honoria would turn...the second 'her' should be omitted.
Perhaps it's just me but I thought for a young woman of sixteen, would she not run and hide instead of standing in the hallway.
I really enjoyed reading through the second chapter.
Regards,
Red
Illusions of Comfort

Jenny
I took a look at Wednesday's Child. Fascinating point in Indian history - certainly desperate times at the long awaited end of British rule. It is a tense backdrop to your story. I found the plot intriguing and full of tension. I think you could do with some editing in terms of the flow of dialogue and some of the observations are repeated - but it has the makings of a great story. I read all eight chapters posted, which is always a good sign and wanted to see what happened! Good luck with it. Excellent cover.
Paul
Dead Moon Rising

Hi Jenny,
You have a great dramatic opening with the arrival of the angry mob. Neatly woven-in details give us a picture of Honoria’s background: the silk dress, Christmas and her parents’ occupations. Ch 2 works well with the unfolding situation and the introduction of Sammy. The way there is first hope because they know him and then dismay is very effective. A small point - you describe a man with an ‘evil face’ but at first I thought it was Sammy again. Perhaps a physical description or one based on the man’s expression might work better. Ch 3 continues the momentum. When you describe the durwan in the car with his face bloody and swollen I don’t think it’s necessary to say that Honoria realises he has been captured and beaten as you’ve already conveyed that perfectly. There’s a slight contradiction between the passage where you say that the durwan’s eyes lack hope and he believes that they are all going to be killed and the end where you say “how was she to know the man felt himself utterly hopeless, alone and doomed?” We get a nice contrast though between his feelings and the sense of protection he gives Honoria. You do a great job of keeping the story moving through the rest of the chapters posted. I particularly noticed the description of the bodies in the water, which is understated but very poignant, and the betel-stained woman who takes Honoria from the bus.
All in all you have a great MC in young Honoria for arousing your readers’ sympathy and emphasising the horror of the experiences she goes through. Maybe take care to distinguish between her limited and sheltered viewpoint and the wider context. For example, the section that begins, “She once heard the servants talking…” goes on to mention atrocities but I wasn’t sure if Honoria was supposed to be aware of these or not. Just my thoughts anyway in case they’re of any use.
Best wishes, Lucy

Well, that's a cliffhanger. I am definitely interested in knowing what happens next--great job setting the scene.

As many others have observed, the story is amazing. And we all know that it's the *story* that captures the attentions of agents and publishers. I adore books about unusual places with people I'm unlikely to meet in real life, and you've supplied both in this book. I also felt--and this may be a sign of my ignorance--but I felt you had all the historical details exactly right.

But I think the writing can be improved. Two thoughts: First, I think you tell us far too much about Honoria's family. Let a small number of details paint the picture. A brief description of her home and her dress will do it. One or two remarks about the kindness of daddy and mummy will suffice. Second, but closely related, these first eight chapters are far too wordy. You make a number of observations two and three and four times. Let us instead hang on your every word. You've got a great story. Now make it a great book.

Best of luck to you!!
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Chapter 4 - Dialogue and relationship between Honoria and Peter well done. Third paragraph, who is he? In next paragraph, you might want to take a look at it and tighten it a bit. Good flow- Honoria increasingly becoming aware of her situation.

Chapter 3 - Good use of backstory about Honoria - reader now gets a better picture of her heritage, and understanding of her thinking and courage I might add.,

On Chapter 2 - The colorful prose holds my interest. On detail - Honoria' voice was a terrified whisper - Good technique to elicit clarity of who is speaking - colorful- used this technique alot - too much? Another detail - Four or five men burst into the room, as the door opened etc. I would tend to turn that sentence around, "As the etc. Good tension throughout . Summary - Prose strong- colorful- holds readers interest- Great job

Read opening chapter. Good description of setting and action - all power words - setting the mood and fright of Honoria - Begining paragraph drew reader immediately in. and second section just enough background to give Honoria and others depth of character. Will read more in day or two. Clearly will have it on my watchlist.

My goodness what an excellent read! I had to reshuffle my bookshelf to ensure it was included, I think this deserves a place on everyone's shelf. Your cover is stunning as well may I add.

You have so much detail within the book and yet you manage to tell it in a wonderfully smooth manner. Your intoduction to Honoria's life, her nanny and her kind family all drew me in, the freedom struggle captivated me. This book is an immersion into history and a world that I knew nothing about.
I have just read through chapter 8 and wow amazing!!!!
The only slight (and I mean very slight) niggle I have is, would a child / teenager from a backround such as Honoria's know so much about events in the outside world, political conflicts etc. She seemed to be pretty cosseted - but there again through the eyes of an innocent may be your aim, to convey the true horror.
I really hope that my comment doesn't sound like a critism because is is not intended to be. It was simply the only thing that I noticed. I am no expert (as my feeble attempt shows) but your book seemed pretty flawless. This should be published, I have given it 5 stars and placed it on my shelf in the hope that it makes it all the way to the top.
Outstanding,

Jayne

I have read all that you have posted, I was gripped by it, totally. I think that it is very well written, you have captured the fear and the hope so very well. What a terribly time this was and I think that your poor Honoria is suffering dreadfully and will suffer more. I am very impressed with this work, I will shelf it as soon as I have a space and in the meantime I will star it highly

Hi,
You have a really attention grabbing opening scene and your writing flows beautifully. The setting and time period are really interesting and putting the poignant story of a young girl caught up in such major strife is a great approach. I loved the opening line.
I had a couple of points on the first chapter. I think you could trim or tighten in a couple of places:
'realizing something was terribly wrong' - do you need that?
'young but very grown up for her age' - this is telling, not showing
'troublesome times' 'cold sweat' - maybe a little cliched.
I really enjoyed reading it. And thanks so much for the backing!
Best,
Kate

I read your first three chapters.

General comments: A compelling start. Honoria is so very innocent and so brave. By the end of the first chapter, I'm invested in her and eager to see how she manages. Evocative narrative. Superb descriptions that evoke the era. Strong sense of place. Riveting tension. Quick pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) Hyphenate 'well respected.'
2) 'Who knows what our fate will be then.' Put a question mark after 'then.'
3) " ... you may learn something you don't really want to know. Put a closing quote mark after 'know.'
4) Good end of chapter hook.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) "Answer me Sammy." Comma after 'me.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.
2) 'It struck terror into her heart' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea but in a fresher way.
3) 'Honoria's throat felt dry and tight.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe the dryness and tightness in her throat so vividly the reader will experience it along with Honoria. When you do this, you'll plunge the reader deeper into your scene.
4) Another good end of chapter hook.

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) 'Honoria felt small and shrunken ... ' As mentioned above, try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe her dimmunition so realistically the reader will experience it along with Honoria. By doing this, you'll pull the reader further into your scene.
2) 'Honoria hated them' is telling. Consider showing the onset and developement of this hatred.
3) 'Don't worry Nanny.' Comma after 'worry.'
4) ' ... her Daddy often used those words to his patients.' 'Daddy' should be lowercase. When a kinship term is modified (usually with a possessive pronoun) it becomes a common noun and is lowercase.
5) 'Don't worry Peter.' Comma after 'worry.'
6) "Oh Peter." Comma after 'oh.'

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a marvelous day, Jennifer,

Al

The beginning really grabs me. You set the scene well, show H's throughts well, weave in back story deftly. The only thing I might change is starting with "fiftenn-year-old" - it's not as strong a start as it could be. You could weave that detail in further down.Also, I think her arms are crossed on her bosom, rather than her hands...
Normally I'm not a fan of introducing a chunk of back story so soon into the book but I think here it works - you've grabbed us, put us right here in the story, and made us ask certain questions about the background that we will need answered.
Good writing.

Jenny,

I have read all 8 chapters posted and really enjoyed it. The story immediately pulled me in and held my attention the entire time. I could clearly see and hear the angry mob and feel Honoria’s terror.

As I was reading it reminded me of M.M. Kay’s Shadow of the Moon, only yours is a bit darker, which I really liked. Gritty stories make for the best kinds of drama in my opinion.

I don’t read for grammar and punctuation even still I didn’t spot anything. I just read it and enjoyed it.

I have two comments:

I wonder if the first sentence would have more impact If you removed the word ‘away’.

Chapter 6 you tell us she is 15. Up until that point I thought she was much younger.

This is a very well written deeply engrossing story.

Nicely done,

Sharon

I just read what you have posted, and I think you have a wonderfully fluid and descriptive writing style. The narrative is harrowing to read, and it really transports the reader into Honoria's mind, allowing the audience to see the world through her sheltered eyes and feel her confusion and horror. I think it's really interesting how you transition between the narrator's mature language and a fifteen-year-old girl's voice. The poor girl! I'm sure the rest of the story is a fascinating depiction of how her perceptions have to change to adapt to her new situation. Well done!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

Hi, Jennifer, just read the 8 chaps and it is an exciting story. I wonder if even a sheltered 15-yr old would be so unaware of the unfairness of British Rule in India,(cf.The Raj Quartet) but perhaps she will come to understand later in the story. It all seems too black-and-white: good English family and devoted servants vs. evil, treacherous, ungrateful(!) Indians.
After the first bit of dialog the writing is a bit flat although it picks up a lot as you get into more action. Perhaps you could show more rather than telling. I read for first impression so didn't notice typos etc. and I see someone else did a good job. Your use of "Nanny" and "Amah" is puzzling; Surely "Nanny" who has cared for Honoria since babyhood is her "Amah" and would be called that (or by her Indian name and) whereas a Nanny would be an European woman in charge of a child's education from about age 7 or older.
I have your ms. watchlisted, and if you're not too put off by my remarks, would like it if you could read "Polly" and comment,
Anne.

Dear Jennifer

Last night I found myself wondering, what was that book I read, about Partition? I had to come and find it, and let you know that your book is worth seeking out. I'm also glad to know that I read all you posted! Have upgraded my rating. Take care xx Fran :)

Hi, Jenny. I read the eight uploaded chapters. I have to say, this is an incredibly powerful story. I love historical fiction anyway but I really enjoyed reading your book. In my opinion you really nailed the atmosphere and tension of such a turbulent time. Honoria's ordeal made all the worse because of her sheltered background, the injustice of her situation. Such a mindblowing calamity for her to see her world turned upside down as each of the barriers between her and the harsh realities of life are stripped away. As the people she once considered her own rocks beaten and devoid of hope. To go from a priviliged position in society where her main worries were what dress to wear to be driven so low. Really excellent.

Paul.

Right into the action, I love it. I read through chapter 2 and your story is off to a great start. I have always been a fan of quick starters and this one delivers the goods. Great imagery, action and dialogue. I loved the way chapter one ends. It almost screams "TURN THE PAGE." Thanks so much for the read. Good luck and high stars to you.

An excellently written, compelling tale. I've gotten through the first three chapters and have been on the edge of my seat the entire time. This is definitely going on my shelf. Except for a few typos and repeated words, I can find nothing to fault it.
Might I prevail upon you to return the read and any feedback? - Gao Zuojia

Kailai and the Dragon Prince

Elegant, smooth prose. Real and purposeful dialogue. Subtly evoked sense of time and place. Involving plot/character development. Highly starred and on my shelf. Thanks and best of luck.

Wednesday's child. Your succinct pitches promise a dramatic historical journey into the aftermath of British colonial rule in India, and that's an evocative cover.

Ch.1. You asked for a detailed crit. Wouldnt it make the scene even more vivid if you dropped that cliche'd first sentence of the fourth paragraph? Try it.
Words which may be better left out: also, obviously (Ch.2) still (Ch.3.) slightly, almost.
And do you need to say Nanny realised something was terribly wrong? You show it well enought.
A look through your book would probably uncover other similar instances.
I wonder how old Honoria is...
Partition was indeed a dreadful, senseless time, spoilt by politics. You describe the situation well, and the foolhardy naivety of her wishful-thinking parents.
Oh - she's fifteen.

Ch.2. I love the way you offer little bits of interesting back-story while keeping the reader in suspense.
This is the first time we learn Honoria has been unwell - perhaps an inkling of that, and what caused it, could have been introduced a bit earlier? But it's only a thought.
So, she has a Nanny and an Ayah - perhaps you can explain the difference?
That hook to read on is powerful indeed.

Ch.3. You repeat 'the car' rather too often.
And you dont need 'seemed to be'. Her security was definitely draining away!
Honoria is a caring, courageous character.
Oh - is Nanny English? I'd thought she was Indian in the previous chapter, with her brown skin.
That's a very authentic description of the mindset of so many well-meaning 'colonials' who tragically regard their adoptive country as a beloved, permanent home.

Ch.4. You have repeated the words 'might' and 'finally'. And you dont need to say the prisoners were unfortunate. Again, you've shown that well enough.
I think you have already described Peter's looks, and mentioned his former protective strength. Is this chapter really necessary? The pace is slowing somewhat.

Chs. 5-6. Again, there are some little repetitions, which make these chapters slightly disjointed. They are very short. I know authonomites appreciate short chapters (I've divided my first one into three!), but if you join them into longer ones, I think you will notice the unnecessary repetitions better.

Ch.7. Oh - so now I learn that Nanny was Honoria's governess! Perhaps you could have told me earlier? - It's just a thought. And Prema...
Your describe the horror and the tragedy very well indeed.

Ch.8. Perhaps Honoria was lucky not to have been taken by the brutal Sammy - perhaps not. Her character is developing well.

Yours is a gripping, important story which obviously has to be told. It is so very nearly there.
I've lost count of all the edits and re-edits I've done on mine over the past eight years, and I'm still tinkering.
You'll find it will all be worth it in the end.
Multi-starred, and going onto my shelf.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Wednesday’s child
This is a book with an exciting beginning: people shouting, doors smashed down, a woman kidnapped . . . Honoria is a sympathetic character because she’s so vulnerable. I like the way you include details a little bit at a time of what life was like in India when this happened. Allows a reader to appreciate what is happening yet doesn’t bog down your story. Highly rated and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Dear Jennifer,

The opening sequence was excellent. It was very visual and the frenetic intensity of your writing made me fear for the safety of Honoria and her Nanny. I could actually ‘see’ the events unfolding in front of me and it was quite scary. The section ended well, but I’d suggest that you dedicate a complete chapter to it.

I’ve read the first chapter and had to stop for paucity of time. I will certainly come back later. While I immensely enjoyed the back-story and the household nuances in British colonial India, I was deeply touched by the plight of Honoria.

As far as the writing is concerned, I’d say that it’s spotless. You’ve effectively captured the abject horror of those times; the atrocities that were inflicted on ordinary people because of the arrogance and greed of some and the mindless vengeance of others. By the time they saw the truth, a lot of damage was already done. But, better late than never, and like some great men once said, had it been an eye for an eye, the whole world would have been blind by now.

Highly rated and recommended.

Best regards,
AGC

I have read all 8 chapters, could not stop once I started on this quite amazing book, so well written, which makes it that more believable things like this must have probably occurred in those times. Pleased to have this book on my shelf.

Portraits Of A Small Peasant.

Amazing story and very powerfully presented starred and backed :)
regards
Sheila

From the haunting cover to Honoria's excruciating ordeal, this is an edge-of-the-seat read. Chapter 1 is chilling and chapter 2 frightening. I highly recommend it. Backed.