Attack of the Killer Demons

Hi Leslie

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Hi Leslie

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Leslie.

Really Really good. This smacks heavily of Douglas Adams and slightly of Terry Pratchett.

I enjoyed your first chapter, like your characters, enjoy the unusual names and clever use of words to form new ones.

I found one small thing: Right near the beginning, your sentence ends "...at the time this story begins there." It sound clunky. I think you can lose the "there" and it will feel a lot smoother.

You do use the phrase "as almost everyone in the universe knows..." quite a lot, so I wonder if you could cut a couple out, as it starts to feel wrong.

Best regards
Warrick

Great title. I'd delete the first few lines, start with something about the completely indoor planet Kwodz. Pretty zany, but also imitation-Douglas Adams. I wonder if there's a way to reinvent your style, make it your own. Backed.

SF42

Hi Leslie

I've read most of the first chapter, but it was just a bit too long to read the whole lot. I like it. My notes:

First, I'm not sure about the first bit of the second paragraph. It's amusing, yes, but the 'laughing' and 'Got you!' goes, for me, a little over the top.

You could stand to use more contractions - wherever it would make it read smoother, it's ok to use them. So, 'That's not the way this story begins.'

'never even remotely tries to drizzle' - doesn't read right to me.

Why is universe capitalised? Since it's sci fi and your universe, you can of course capitalise it if you want, but so long as you know that it isn't usually.

You can also look out for unnecessary 'that's. For example, 'He felt uncomfortable in the bar, but he'd heard it was the best place on the planet...' reads a bit smoother.

I think you can leave off the 'that's how it felt to its unfotunate inhabitants' - we know that's just a witty way of saying it rains a lot, and this sentence lessens the humour.

For the sake of smooth reading, again, you can say 'about the only people who did know of its existence were those unfortunate enough to live there/in it.' It's what I'm doing at the moment, going over my book for things that are, essentially reduntant, that I can remove while the sentence remins exactly the same. Another example is, 'either that, or it had dissolved in the rain.' 'Dissolved' is past tense, thereby making 'had' redundant. 'Either that, or it dissolved in the rain' is exactly the same, except you won't get moaned at for it by all the had-haters on here.

There's the 'remotely' word again, and again it doesn't quite work for me.

I can't imagine anyone taking kindly to being called 'it', even they have no sex. Perhaps you could create a term. I'd probably be lazy and say 'rhe'; then I'd feel embarassed that I'd been so lazy and change it back to 'it'.

'random bits of rock'? Doesnt sound right at all. Why are they random? Why would someone say that? On the motorway, would you say, 'look out for those random cars'? Running across a field in the dark for some mysterious and boring reason, would you say, 'look out for those random cowpats'?

'you silly'? That would be like saying 'you halfwitted.'

'and where else would a moment be' is sufficient - you need to be careful of not overdoing bits like that, and making it less amsusing, or completely unfunny.

'something' is one word.

The conversation about Grotch gets a little boring - perhaps it could be cut back just a bit.

How could the Actron snort at a comment muttered under his breath?

I didn't read past the end of this scene, as the chapter is just too long, and I can't bring myself to read such large chunks of text. I like it, though. It is funny - with the exception of where you try too hard to be funny - and well written. It does need an edit, but even as it is, there's a good chance I'd buy it. I'll back it.

Good luck :)

This is great fun. I really enjoyed it. The only part I wasn’t sure about was the very start with all the “as everybody knows” business. But, once past that, it was great and got better the further I got in. I loved the idea of the Actrons and Grotch. And the scene in the bar on Kwodz was nice as we wait for the arrival of Bogdiggan. I liked the tribute to the HHG2G in the Lonely Spacefarer’s Companion. I found myself almost fancying Hopli Julep, but I realise she/it’s way too high-maintenance for me. Still, it’s good to know that life beyond our solar system is even more bonkers than here.

Packed with wonderfully wacky characters and ideas, and great comic writing, I think this will do really well.

Just a few trivial typos. Ch.1: “it’s packaging” should be “its packaging”. Ch.2: “down the street then,” should be “down the street then.”; off the lot of them”? is there a word missing here?.

Anyway, this is one of the best SF/humour books I’ve read on this site. I wish you well with it.