A Fatal Misuse of Time

Andrew,
Return read (finally, sorry!).
I've only managed to read 2 chapters, because this book demands careful attention in order to grasp what's going on. So here are my initial thoughts:
Amazing.
This book is well-written, funny, and highly intelligent (a least, the author seems to be). It's well-polished, too, so I've had a hard time finding things to critique. Loved the opening line, and how that contrasts to the opener of chapter two. Absolutely loved "the Welsh had serious doubts..." bit. SLACK ==> FOOLS was pretty brilliant too. I could go on for a while listing the bits where I laughed, but I'm not going to.
One sentence that made me stumble:
The Sydney airport upgrade had finally opened at a final cost of only one-tenth that of the 145 feasibility studies undertaken. - this sentence doesn't quite make sense to me. I think it's "The Sydney airport had finally been upgraded at a final cost of only one-tenth that of the (predicted cost?) of 145 feasibility studies undertaken."

Anyway, this one came highly recommended, and I'm glad to see I wasn't let down. I'm going to keep this one on my WL for further reading, and give you six stars for now. I'll try to find shelf-space, but it might take a while,

Ellie

Andrew,
Going about with a pre-knowledge of events about to happen must be one of the coolest gifts you could give a guy, in this case, Tristan with a keen curiousity and a healthy appreciation for the good things in life. Your writing style is succinct, exactly what your complex plot needs to be explained fully to the time-challenged. Your knowledge of the various climes Tristan travels through does give your work a feel of authenticity. Thank you so much for the intriguing read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Com. Lit. Review. I don't know how I missed reading this before. It's very clever and great fun. I loved the comment about the last whale in ch. 1. That was lol funny, though,sadly, probably accurate. I love the style though I was quite pleased to get to some conversation (I'm a lightweight) in chapter 2. Loved the scene with Claire and the way you run through her whole life in terms of the changing technology she has used. A whole life beautifully and economically described. Loved Katy's accidental pun.
Only two things jarred. I think you need a comma after 'who she might be, so,' in ch, 2. Also you don't need to actually mention Hitchhikers' Guide. It spoils the running 'don't panic' mug theme. Anyway that's just my reaction. I've been wrong before!
It's a great use of the backwards idea!
P S Great book the Once and Future King.

This is a bit confusing for a beginning.
However the writing style is well written. It has a fashion that is different.
There is a good idea for the book. It is fascinating.
Good work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

In to return the read swap...

Poor Tristan, but then I thought - no poor Liz, because I was as confused as he was by the end of the first chapter. The same as Tristan, I was ready to take his advice and put my head between my knees... dizzy was not the word.

In some ways, imoh, you seemed more concerned with the concept of what was happening with Tristan rather than just letting it happen. Yes, it's a very complex theory and maybe you think you need to at least explain the basics to a reader. Beg to differ. I'd have much preferred to have read about Tristan's escapades while he was discovering he was waking up yesterday. My confusion would have been enlightened by his growing knowledge of his new situation.

Feminine logic did make me question the paying of bills and whether he would have had any. Theoretically, he might not have... since he was waking up in yesterday and so therefore wouldn't have spent anything yet or might even have paid them already.

Overall the same comment on chapter two. It all happens so fast, I felt excluded from the action. The scene with Clare and Jack could have been a chapter alone and would have been the ideal moment for you to really go into detail of just what was going on.

There are a few places where Tristan's pov needs smoothing over. Like at the end of chapter two for example. The quiet snoring? He wouldn't have known if he was snoring – he was asleep. That little touch of author intrusion just takes the edge off your writing.

In places there is too much telling rather than showing. Like in the part with the post office worker. I wanted to be in on the conversation which showed me the man was disgruntled rather than the fact just being thrown at me.

The course of events don't always have a logic sequence and maybe you haven't quite found the key to the puzzle you've created. My advice on that would be... starting at the end and writing it backwards to the beginning might be a lot simpler.

Fatal Misuse of time
Comlit review
Andrew,
I have read everything that you posted.
There are a very few books on Authonomy (a small minority) where I stop reading after a while, realizing that at the point I am reading "just for fun" and that there is nothing helpful I can contribute. In those cases I say that I will keep reading for fun when I have time.
There are even fewer books where I cannot help myself but keep reading, even though I realize there is little I can do but praise.
Your book falls in this later criteria for me.
I was so wrapped up in it that I truly could not put it down. I thought about it at night when I tried to go to sleep. It made me reconsider my life (in a mid-life crisis kind of way). This is a book that I think I will always remember.
It hurt my brain intensely.
I am sure that there are serious inconsistencies, but I cannot really pin them down very well.
I am sure that there must be at least a couple of typos and errors, but I could not stop to take notes or even notice.
I am sure that it could be written more beautifully, that you could develop characters better, that you could lay out the plot better. But I was so taken by it that I could not think that way.
This is a very quirky book and one that will probably kick around before it finds a home. But I feel that once it does, it will be important and be admired by many. I feel certain that there is going to be a blockbuster film made of this that will absolutely miss the point and make the people who read the book angry at Hollywood (or London), but have beautiful actors and dramatic music.
I give this the top stars and will put it on my shelf soon.
Hook and Plot- I found the premise absolutely fascinating. Maybe this has been done before, but I myself have not read it before, not like this. In fact, it reminded me most of another book on the thread (which I also could not put down). So as soon as I started reading, the intellectual exercise of figuring out how this could work out hooked me right away. It felt like a fun maths exercise, something whose elegance is obvious but the mechanics are unclear. I was trying to figure out how it could be that he would have left himself a note in the past even though he lived life backwards. Does not sound so difficult when put that way, but it absolutely hooked me.
Although there is something intrinsically stable about the situation (you made sure to clarify that he would live for over a thousand years without dying) I found that the hook of trying to figure out what was going to happen next and how he was going to get out of the loop was enough to make me want to read on- obsessively.
As far as plot is concerned, I though that you were very clever to give us a few chapters to get used to the pace before you brought us into the September 2001 story sequence, which slows down and which, of course, has its own pacing. This, I think, works extremely well. It is all clear in retrospect from one chapter to the next- and I was always anxious to figure out what would happen before. (!)
There are hundreds of years that you summarize through. Normally, I give people who summarize a very hard time, but, again, your premise, combined with your occasional focusing on a moment (like the cup) made it easy to swallow for me. And I found your vision of the future fascinating, the cataclysm followed by balance and order. Very appealing and uplifting.
Character development- I felt very close to Tristan. Although his situation is, of course, unfathomable, there was something about his day-to-day attitude that really appealed to me. Of course, this would have been impossible if you had not made him immortal or stuck in the situation. By doing so, you reduce the level of variety in his emotional pallet, and so you have less that you need to develop. And his life is so very interesting. But you very much made it NOT Groundhog Day. He is not desperate for this to end. The only way out is through.
I found the surrounding characters strangely compelling, especially Mick, who was very nicely described in broad strokes, and Antoinette, who, of course, is a lie. There was this great moment when you changed the POV for Ishmael's. At first, I thought it was a terrible idea to change POVs suddenly in the middle of the book. And then I realized what you did with it. You brought in a new character, developed him quickly and poignantly in a way you can only do with a new POV, and then you use him to develop Antoinette further by having her kill him. It is brilliant.
I also loved the way you brought her in earlier (obviously) as the woman next to Tristan in the airplane. I found this backwards detective story so very fun and interesting.
Internal consistency- I need more time to figure this one out. Besides the paradox, which, of course, is great fun, there are things that I have not been able to determine whether they make sense or not. For instance, You make a big deal about how he meets Antoinette for the fist (last) time. But what about his friends who don't know? Like the chap he talks philosophy with. How would he recognize him the last time (first time) he meets him. Or the old couple- how did he know to see the old woman the very last time to say goodbye? Maybe it's all about Harold. But that is part of the issue. How does he recover Harold after it disappears on the Bali trip? Maybe I will figure this out later (earlier).
One that I am pretty sure does not work is when you mention that cyclones (or anything else) were caused by his trying to change the future. If his future is his memory, and his past is his future (but laid out by Harold) how would he ever know that his actions had any effect on the future? From his vantage point, his attempts to go against what Harold says should really be futile, as you showed with the "Not an event" event.
Harold itself is hard to wrap my brain around. It could only be computerized until (from) about 1980, or so. Before that, it would have had to be a big book. Really big. How did he then transfer everything to a computer. He really cannot subsist without it. Did he log a huge encyclopaedia around?
Another one I am uncertain about is he swiss army knife that a friend had given him. This, you use for a cute joke (which made me smile) but, unless he read it in Harold, how would he know that a friend he has perhaps not even met yet gave him the knife.
Again, I am not sure whether these are real internal consistency issues. I have not really been able to wrap my brain around it.
Part of what I love about this book is that it is so leisurely about it. It reminds me of the Library of Babylon, that fabulous story by Borges. I always regretted that it could not be a lot deeper, or have some real characters in the library we could relate to. You, on the other hand do, and that makes it great fun.
Humour. I would not call this a comedy book, although I found some parts very funny, like the talk about Macs taking over computers, which was cute, funny wish fulfillment. The line about egos moving by the laws of physics, Elvis as a philosopher poet having left the building and, of course, the English parliament really cracked me up, among others. There was also a bit of dark humour which I appreciated, particularly the bit about canvass sellers making a good bit of business. And there is, of course, the absurdity of the whole situation. For this reason, I give it three and a half happy faces.
:):):)
However, I give this book six stars and it will have a spot on my shelf soon.
As to mechanics, I found it was really well written for its topic. This is not awe inspiring beautiful writing, but you really do a good job with setting, particularly in Japan with the love hotel and Bali with the street markets. I was too engaged to notice typos, I am afraid- except at one point you write unisef instead of UNICEF- but that may have been on purpose.

I look forward to reading on. As I told you, I was very angry when I got to the end of the section.
Thank you for messing with my brain. I really enjoyed it.
Best,
Maeve

SF42

Hi Andrew,

First of all, I want to offer you a great bow of respect for taking on such a tricky subject. Time travel is probably the hardest thing to write about, and the fact that you're not only tackiling the subject, but turning it BACKWARD, is very admirable. So hats off!

I will admit that I was a little confused as to how the whole traveling backward in time thing worked at first, but you do a great job of explaining what things look like from Tristan's POV and clarifying how the mechanics of your "what if" work. You've obviously spent a lot of time thinking about it, and it really shows that you know what you're talking about. I like that unlike most time travel stories, Tristan isn't trying to cause/stop a future event or even exploring other time periods - he's simply trying to get by under the bizarre circumstances he's been thrown into. It's a very interesting concept and certainly unique, and I like the unencumbered explanations you give - complex but at the same time readily understandable.

Your writing feels very natural, and I think the best parts are where Tristan's attitude really come through. where the narrative reflects his voice. It's funny in a relatable way, and although he's clearly a somewhat grumpy character (as he has good reason to be), he never comes off as off-putting. I didn't catch any blatant errors, although scrolling down and looking at the comments below, I see that others have already pointed out possible typos. Overall, the narrative flows well and is especially strong where the character's voice comes through.

I'm afraid I haven't been very helpful here, since I can't really find anything to critique! You've taken on a challenging premise and handled it well. The only thing I could suggest would be to add even more of Tristan's humor, especially in the dialogue. Perhaps you intended this to be more of a drama, but I think it works quite well as a comedy about a know-it-all who finds himself in an unthinkable situation.

Anyhow, highly starred, and best of luck with this!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

Hi Andrew.

Your book has been mentioned to me by my daughter, Isabel Parkinson (The boy from the Next dimension - 60k word MS).

I can't wait to read it as it fits in with my love of Philosophy and science fiction. If the book is half as good as the pitch I reckon you're bound to make the ED!

Craig

Hi Andrew,

What a beautifully polished piece of work. This is a joy to read and very entertaining. I wonder if you’ve had as many headaches as Tristan, trying to work out just how past and future had to flow!

I’ve read all that you’ve uploaded and tried to go through it as thoroughly as I could. With all the temporal flows heading backwards when he slept at night and forwards when he was awake in the day, this wasn’t always easy. You are amazing to have thought of this concept, kept it all straight in your head and then come up with all the ramifications relating to it.

There are just a few areas where the time issues, and therefore the plot, aren’t quite right. These are: Ch 6; 4) and 9) and Ch 7; 1) and 2) (It would pay to read them all at once and in order as they actually all refer to the same thing, except the last one). Otherwise, with the exception of a couple of comments, all I’ve been able to do for you is note the typos so you can polish your work – worth doing for something of this quality. It deserves a trip to the editor’s desk. Everything I’ve set out below is, of course, only my opinion. Feel free to toss it in the bin if that’s where you feel it ought to go.

The way I work, is that I note a portion of a sentence at the start of each point. If you word search for this set of words, you’ll be able to see the sentence that I’m discussing. Also, as I tend to write quite a few notes, it might pay to copy this onto word and then print it out, so you can work through it more easily.

Ch 1)

1) ‘kick started into action’
‘kick started’ has a hyphen

2) ‘that cock up in a minute’
‘cock up’ has hyphens

3) ‘Tristan’s head banging’
Comma after ‘head’

4) ‘Yes smugly described’
Comma after ‘smuggly’

5) ‘I, that is you, checked’
Comma after ‘is’

6) ‘concepts been thrown at him’
‘been should be ‘being’

7) ‘Must be a bit of a tricky balance sometimes, I suspect.’
This sentence confuses me. Wouldn’t he know that the balance is tricky? After all, as he is in the ‘past’ he’s been through all this already, so he must know how he felt (or feels, as he’s not far back in the past) about it. Or have I missed something?

8) ‘what he’d heard then’
Comma after ‘then’ or it reads as though ‘he heard it then’, rather than ‘then he looked around’ (I hope that makes sense) Alternatively, you could put a full-stop after heard and turn it into two sentences.

9) ‘make up as she waited.’
‘make up’ has a hyphen

Ch 2

1) ‘still sleeping figure’
‘still sleeping’ is hyphenated, or, if you wanted the alternative meaning, there’s a comma after ‘still’

2) ‘been delivered pregnant with’
Comma after ‘delivered’.

3) ‘of history was absent’
Comma after history

4) ‘Such is romance in the modern age and its interesting entanglements with Sod’s law that no sooner did he think this than her phone rang.’
This needs a few commas, but you’re probably better at picking where than I am. My guess would be;
‘Such is romance in the modern age, and its interesting entanglements with Sod’s law, that, no sooner did he think this than her phone rang.’

5) ‘Tristan thought she darted a look in Tristan’s direction.’
‘Tristan’s’ could be ‘his’ to remove the repetition of his name.

6) ‘Never put off to tomorrow what you can do today’
‘today’ should be in italics

7) ‘tell her I will be in again’
‘I will’ is a bit stilted. The old man would be more likely to say ‘I’ll’. Actually it would pay to read the next few paragraphs for the same issue. It’s not really a natural speech pattern for anyone. (It would pay to read the whole manuscript with this in mind. It crops up a few times throughout the whole thing).

8) ‘thought that when we have’
Comma after ‘that’ (and change ‘we have’ to ‘we’ve’)

9) ‘or something but anyway’
Comma after ‘something’

10) ‘how my grand-daughter did’
As you mention ‘another’ grand-daughter in the next sentence it might be better to say ‘how one of my grand-daughters did’

11) ‘result of the Australia’s’
Remove ‘the’

12) ‘let his feet takeoever’
‘takeover’ should be ‘take over’

13) ‘One such person thinking just such gloomy thoughts’
The sentence reads fine without the first ‘such’. Taking it out would get rid of the repetition.

14) ‘ever decreasing circles’
Should be ‘ever-decreasing circles’

15) ‘space time continuum’
Should be ‘space-time continuum’

16) ‘echo location’
Should be ‘echo-location’

17) ‘mobile-phones chaos ensues’
Comma after ‘mobile-phones’

18) ‘convenience store this’
Comma after ‘store’

19) ‘bodily functions are’
Comma after ‘functions’

20) ‘was the same poor’
Comma after ‘same’

21) ‘terrorist organizations so Tristan’
Comma after ‘organizations’

22) ‘less than conventional’
Should be ‘less-than-conventional’

23) ‘short sold shares’
Should be ‘short-sold’

Ch 3

1) ‘People find life entirely too consuming’
This font is tiny. Is it meant to be that way?

2) ‘made-in-Indonesian’
Should be ‘made-in-Indonesia’ (No ‘n’ on the end)

3) ‘Still almost two weeks’
Comma after ‘still’

4) ‘of safe if somewhat constipated self-isolation’
Commas after ‘safe’ and ‘constipated’. Full-stop after ‘self-isolation’

5) ‘eyes again he noticed’
Comma after ‘again’

6) ‘Clearly the post office employee…’
(I would use a hyphen for post-office, but it probably isn’t necessary.)
This sentence keeps tripping me up. When I’ve read it a few times, I get the swing of it and wonder how I could have read it differently, but then I’ll read on and come back to it and it trips me up again. Maybe if you take the ‘and’ out, between ‘hygiene’ and ‘accentuated’ it would work better? I don’t know. This could just be me.

7) ‘long suffering’
Needs a hyphen

8) ‘overseas from where’
Comma after ‘overseas’

9) ‘not too distant’
This needs two hyphens

10) ‘great die off’
‘die off’ should be ‘die-off’

11) ‘chosen to hide out during that time, it’
Should be ‘chosen to hide out in during that time; it’

12) ‘when man first started’
Should be ‘men’ to fit properly with ‘their towns’ later in the sentence.

13) ‘do it or at least one that he was in.’
Comma after ‘it’. Also, you could consider saying ‘do it, or at least one version that he was in.’ It slightly easier to follow.

14) ‘couldn’t help himself from’
‘help’ should be ‘keep’. (‘help’ stands alone. ie ‘he couldn’t help himself’. To add ‘from’ you need to use ‘keep’, as in ‘keep from’. ie ‘he couldn’t keep from…’)

15) ‘probably, either’
Remove the comma. It’s not necessary here.
Remove ‘either’. ‘Either’ is used where two items only are being listed. ie ‘either, or’. Where more than two items are being listed it can’t be used. You list three.

16) ‘be spending 12 years in Japan’
I thought he was going to be there for 12 days.?

17) ‘in hindsight, Tristan’s specialty, he also’
Use hyphens instead of commas. ie ‘in hindsight – Tristan’s speciality – he also.

18) ‘approach to a non-immediate life threatening situations – denial.’
Comma after non-immediate; ‘life threatening’ has a hyphen
There is a problem with plural and singular in this sentence. Make it either ‘a non-immediate, life-threatening situation’ or ‘non-immediate, life-threatening situations’

19) ‘not so minor tremor’
Should be ‘not-so-minor tremor’

20) You might want to think about increasing the magnitude of your ‘not-so-minor’ tremor. Earthquakes of magnitude 4.5 happen here in Wellington all the time, and they really aren’t a big deal – and Tokyo would be just as well equipped to deal with them as Wellington is. Magnitude 5.5 to 6.0 is much more unusual. Try that. Or maybe 5.7, just to make it uneven. This could be better construed as a ‘warning shot’ than a 4.5 could. Lots of cities would be permanently empty if they paid attention to 4.5’s.

21) ‘took on more meaning’
Full-stop after ‘meaning’

22) ‘was just a continually’
Should be ‘was it just a continually’

23) ‘space time had no’
‘space time’ should be ‘space-time’

24) ‘along its merry path” ’
Full-stop after ‘path’

25) ‘old world’
Should be ‘old-world’

26) ‘to drink but its name’
Comma after ‘drink’

27) ‘A shear one-piece’
Should be ‘sheer’

28) ‘air gun’
Should be ‘air-gun’

29) ‘of itself would fully-justified the “non-event” comment’
Either ‘of itself, would fully-justify’ or ‘of itself, fully-justified’

Ch 4

30) ‘Sydney or Australia’
Try a hyphen or a semi-colon after ‘Sydney’ Or put a full-stop after ‘Sydney’ and start a new sentence with ‘or Australia’.

31) ‘and good starting point’
Should be ‘and a good starting point’

32) ‘gone on a bit how’
Should be ‘gone on about how’

I love the bit about New Zealand. That, of course, is why I live there.

Ch 5

1) ‘His head didn’t hurt, which was a pleasant change after the last two times he had woken up and nothing really bad had happened to him so far.’
Put a hyphen between ‘hurt’ and ‘which’ instead of the comma, and another hyphen between ‘up’ and ‘and’. The bit inside the hyphens is an aside.

2) ‘popped into the clutch bag’
Should be ‘popped it into the clutch bag’

3) ‘he going put in it on’
Should be ‘going to put it on’

4) ‘money, Tristan was rich, it’
Use hyphens instead of commas. This is an aside.

5) ‘hysterical follow up article’
‘follow up’ should be ‘follow-up’

6) ‘late office woman fortyish’
Try ‘late office-woman fortyish’

7) ‘recognised at all’
Should be ‘recognised her at all’

8) ‘just getting paranoid’
Semi-colon after ‘paranoid’

9) ‘think of is that that somehow’
Should be ‘think of was that somehow’

10) ‘being force fed’
Should be ‘being force-fed’

Ch 6

1) ‘This was a definite a 10.’
Should be ‘This was a definite 10.’

2) ‘gift wrapped’
Should be ‘gift-wrapped’

3) ‘the heat of the moment, or many moments or a bunch of’
Put a hyphen (instead of a comma) after ‘moment’ and another one after ‘moments’.

4) ‘Also, just to add a moral twist, he was still married. Perhaps not legally at the moment because his wife wasn’t even born yet…’

I’m confused. It doesn’t matter if his wife isn’t born yet. He’s never going to make it back to the time of her birth. Does he mean he hasn’t reached the year of her death yet? But he wouldn’t know when she’d died (unless he looked it up in some records). But this is 2001, so the likelihood of her not being alive is fairly remote. The existence you describe before Tristan got shunted 1600 years forward – of a scientist going through a messy divorce, after marrying a fellow uni student; of someone who knows of string theory and lives with screen-savers, the word ‘psychedelic’, digital clocks and unstable polymers that the modern world blames on everything from cancer to early breast formation – suggests a date not far distant from 2001. In fact, I had thought he was born after our time, as he knows to say ‘TV pause’ to the TV, and we don’t have that sort of technology yet (though that would mean he couldn’t come back to 2001 as he would have disappeared after then) String theory, as such, is really of 1990’s vintage. Now he’s a young man, not old, so if he’s in his thirties, he must have been born in the 1950’s, so his real wife would be about 50 by now. More than likely alive, and someone he has the distinct possibility of meeting.

5) ‘clanging of Big Ben.’
Should be a comma after ‘Ben’

6) ‘long romantic walks.’
Should be a comma after ‘walks’

7) ‘miss-understanding’
Should be ‘misunderstanding’

8) ‘string of CIA style’
Should be ‘CIA-style’

9) ‘sealed society of pre-war Japan’
Okay. So presumably this means he was a young man before the second world war. Perfectly possible without the mention of string theory and the modern world elements. Its precursor was only expounded in 1968. It was known back before the 1940’s. He also wasn’t likely to have married a uni student and be going through a messy divorce, although it is possible. Based on these dates, he would have been born early 1900’s/ late 1890’s, so it’s easily feasible his wife is dead by now. So this works perfectly, except for the string theory etc.

10) ‘thing you had say!”
Should be ‘thing you had to say!’

11) ‘to gaping wound;
Should be ‘to a gaping wound’

12) ‘they built-up a set’
Should be ‘they built up a set’

13) ‘after bearing his soul’
‘bearing should be ‘baring’

14) ‘red been icecream’
I don’t know it. Just checking that it isn’t ‘red bean icecream’?

15) ‘he’d had a tip off’
Should be ‘tip-off’

16) ‘Since the tip off’
As above

17) ‘Monkey Forrest’
Should be ‘Monkey Forest’

18) ‘he was marched and up’
Remove ‘and’

19) ‘dry cleaning pick up’
‘pick up’ should be ‘pick-up’

20) ‘the edge of cliff.’
Should be ‘the edge of a cliff.’

21) Line beginning ‘ “I gave some information to Yoko…’
Ishmar has duct tape on his mouth. He can’t talk.

Ch 7

1) ‘The sixties, looming on his horizon, promised to be quite exciting.’
Okay, so he’s meant to go back beyond the sixties. You might want to rethink the differences he spots when he first arrives in the future – and the reference to Elvis. Elvis didn’t exist in pre-war Japan time. That newspaper article wouldn’t mean anything to him.

2) ‘According to Harold, he had started having himself fixed up as soon as the technology became available.’
But he’s going backwards through time, so the technology has been available to him right through – and is presumably getting less and less good. Perhaps he should say, he has availed himself of the technology right up to the point where it hasn’t yet been invented (though it was so bad then, compared with what he must have received in the future, that he probably wouldn’t. He’d be wanting to look as good as he could when he made it back to his own temporal point).

3) ‘Look, I am going out’
‘I’m’ would be more natural.

4) ‘at the manger’s sombre’
‘manger’s’ should be ‘manager’s’

5) ‘Japanese lacquer ware box’
Should be ‘lacquer-ware’

6) ‘large wall safe behind his desk’
Should be ‘wall-safe’, otherwise we are inclined to think he indicated a large wall that was safe behind his desk.

7) ‘it was if nothing’
Should be ‘it was as if nothing’

8) ‘Tristan noticed before’
Comma after ‘noticed’

Ch 8

1) ‘family run pensions’
Should be ‘family-run’

2) ‘TV that was as ridiculously thin as it was large was’
Commas after ‘TV’ and ‘large’

3) ‘but confronted with a console that made a mockery of the Apollo command centres he’
Commas after ‘but’ and ‘centres’

4) ‘the vending-machine like’
Should be ‘vending-machine-like’ (ie another hyphen)

5) ‘in somebodies dinner’
Should be ‘in somebody’s dinner’

6) ‘Tristan commiserated, “Still, it’s not’
This rings a bit unnaturally, as he’s just narrowly missed being shot. Fair enough that Antoinette might not notice (though hard not to if the bullet hit noisily), but he should react somehow. Maybe you could add something at this point, like ‘Tristan commiserated absently. He glanced back at the mutilated vending machine, his mind spinning. ‘Still, it’s not’

7) ‘Unfortunately the blend would go unnoticed as it resulted in both a cure for cancer and, perhaps more importantly, teenage eye-rolling.’
The first time I read this I took it to mean that, because it resulted in a cure for cancer etc, the blend would go unnoticed. You might want to reconstruct this sentence (or maybe make it two) to get rid of ambiguity.

8) ‘he now pretty sure’
Should be ‘he was now pretty sure’

9) ‘silenced high powered rifle’
Should be ‘high-powered’

10) ‘The The headphones’
Remove one ‘The’

11) ‘handle the check in.’
Should be ‘check-in’

I hope all this has been of some use to you. Just bin it if it’s not. This is a great book, Andrew. I’d love to read the rest of it. Please let me know when you upload some more.

I’m sticking you on my bookshelf.

Sue

The short pitch was nice and catchy. This book looks interesting.
Chapter One - Waking up depressed was becoming a bit of a habit. [Good opening line - one to remember.]
Other bits I like especially.
The experiment had better work because he was over budget. :-@ Snuggling down in the satin sheets he did not have..
[at 1st I thought he was fantasizing, then realized he wasn't.] The TV screen with its DON'T PANIC message made me smile. I think I have come across it somewhere else, but I am not sure where... and finding what not to panic over.. VERY VERY FUNNY! ;-)

The explanation of what will happen when going back in time, made me feel a bit odd. But then it would be weird,
wouldn't it?
More bits I find funny - The head of the pro-whaling lobby diving into the tank with the last specimen. Devolution of the UK.
It could all work out in the end, although getting to the beginnig could be a worry.
Chapter Two - I tried reading chapter two, but found it very hard to follow. Sorry, but I think this book is too clever for me.

Gillian Bergh [com-lit review]

SF42 Review

Hi Andrew,
This is right up my alley. A thinking man's Philip K. Dick, if you don't mind the comparison. You write skillflully, and pose some mind-boggling metaphysical questions as you share the peculiar circumstances affecting Tristan. There isn't much to pick on as you have a fine command of the language, the storytelling craft -- including just the right amount of description in your scene setting -- and your character's (and his all-knowing other instance's) physics and philosophical musings sound credible enough. Highly starred.
My only want was a little more interaction between characters, which could serve to drive the pace. As a "randy" reader, I felt jipped when the pretty masseuse arrived and you gave us a peek at her through the peephole putting on the finishing touches to her make-up but then fast-forwarded to the next chapter without much human-to-human connection. There's a lot of internalizing going on and in my opinion not enough interaction. I see more of that thing I'm looking for is coming up later, and that's good, but in the meantime I was hoping for something that might not only stimulate my mind but my cardiac muscle as well.
A couple of minor points:
In Chapter 1, I don't think you need "and again he was exactly right" nor "he wasn't -- not quite" for I feel both break up a splendid snippet of dialogue. Besides, as a reader I already surmised what you were trying to sneak into the piece of dialogue via the parenthetical commentary.
Also, where it says "so that is what its like being put on pause," it should say "it's"
Great story so far, and my opinion is offered only as a suggestion, for I don't write as richly or intelligently as you. I'm more of a hack, but I do read a lot.

Kind regards,
Dean Lombardo

SF42 Feedback

MIND-BLOWING!!

I read the first two chapters. There’s so much in this that I’ve got to have a rest and a cup of tea. I don’t look at other reviews until I’ve written mine. I don’t want to be influenced by other comments but I expect to find references to ‘Groundhog Day’. This book goes way beyond GD. It’s a very rich piece of writing with ideas that fan out in all directions. You also did something to me here that I wasn’t expecting….you made my eyes fill with tears. I’ve read quite a few books on this site and that’s the first time it’s happened.

This is a book that made me stop and think and it’s a great story. I’d love to read the whole thing and that’s why I’ve put it on my bookshelf.

Below are more rambling notes recorded as I read -

Bookcover – Effective. Gets the idea of ‘time’ across. Not sure what the white things are at the top.
Short Pitch – A good hook for me because I’m interested in the physics of time.
Long Pitch – Describes the plot well.

Prelude
The first para is really important and you pack a lot in. Although I thought the first line was not quite as clinical as it could be. The words ‘becoming a bit’ weaken it in my mind.
Reading down the page the words ‘a bit of a’ crop up quite a lot.
The italicised 2nd para works well. The ‘forward’ arrow of time is intriguing. Why does it have to move forward?
The humour works well in your writing and you’ve not over-played it.
Can’t see any obvious errors but there is a feeling that you could work on editing down sentences without losing their meaning.
There is something that’s bugging me. In the para that starts ‘Something had happened.’ If Tristan can remember the following day he must have learnt quite a lot about his past during that day, so why is he surprised to find himself in this predicament?
The time machine splits time 1600 years ago. I’m not too clear why the machine is stepping back at one day increments. Am I over-thinking this?
Love the Elvis and Japanese Pro-whaling bits.
The Harold document intrigues me. If Tristan’s recorded events for the last 1600 years it suggests that he’s aware the document will be used by the Tristan as he steps back in time. I’m a bit confused about this point. It may need a bit more explanation.
A mind-blowing first chapter. Great job.

Ch. 1
The simplicity of the ‘Don’t Panic’ cup is great and you’re really using it very well in the story.
Maybe a bit more dialogue with Kathy.
The Jack and Clare passage is stunning. This brought me to tears. Very well done. The combination of the ideas with the emotional consequences is superb. For me, this is the best section of the book so far.

Hope there's something useful in these comments.

Gareth

Andrew,

I've just read your brilliant opening chapter.

It's hard to know where to begin with something that is so full of hooks, intrigue, and big ideas, and that is so polished and well written, to boot. There are many time travel stories out there, but, on the evidence of this opening chapter, you've done more than enough to stamp your own mark over this one. Your prose is polished, the narrative underpinned by an almost incredulous type of humour - which one would expect from a man waking up in Tristan's predicament - which makes him a great MC for the story.

The fact you're starting 'at the end' and all 'ends well' only adds to the intrigue, making the reader want to read on, because you can tell it's going to be one hell of a journey.

Excellent stuff. More than happy to give you a run on my shelf.

NA 'The Butterfly and the Wheel'

Hello Andrew,

This is a funny and intriguing start to a book with an interesting hook. Although I don't fully understand the theories talked about, I think that the note at the end of chapter one is better left as an appendix as its distracting for a 'regular' reader and might make some feel somewhat 'under-qualified' to continue with the book. I'm assuming that you want to appeal to as wide an audience as possible. Well written, but needs a bit of clarification here and there with the scientific elements.

Good luck with this, highly starred.
Karen 19
The Way Things Are

Hi Andrew
thanks for your help with my Tales for Children. I knew I had some problems with it. As a matter of fact I am in the middle of an English course to help me with my punctuation and grammer. Though your comments have been very welcome. I have read the first chapter of your book and I like where your coming from. It is very different to anything I have read so far. It is quite ingenious. Similar to time travel, but with a twist. I have given you high stars and on my WL till I get a chance to put it on my shelf.
All the best
Brian.

I really love this! The idea of living your life backwards really gets you thinking and works really well as a story line.
I think your book as a very good beginning and it intrigued me right away. You have a way of writing that is easy to follow, even though the time stuff can get a bit confusing :)

You have taken on many responsibilities simultaneously that can either work for the book or against it. You have put us in Tristan's head alone, a move with which I happen to agree, and you love to write about the possibilities of Time Travel. The biggest problem I see is your tendency to explain absolutely everything. There's much more telling than actual plot events moving forward or backward as the case may be. One problem may be that we first join Tristan when he wakes up on a seemingly random day as he rediscovers his problem (moving backwards through Time) in the midst of depression and a string of forgettable women who seem anxious to forget him as well. Through the early telling, nothing much happens. Time Travel is explained, various lovers dispatched, various aspects of the fallout analyzed, but as far as plot goes, Tristan thinks a heap but he doesn't react or act. For the reader, it's very important to like being in someone's head -- this doesn't mean we have to agree with everything an MC does, but the psychological space has to be a place we want to live for a while. Tristan, at times, comes off like a brain that doesn't shut up, a filter with a focus rarely placed on the human fallout of Time Travel. This could be helped by opening the book with a bang; some plot event that catapults us into Tristan's dilemma without requiring so much explanation. The Douglas Adams way would entail interspersing wild, routine, backwards-winding plot events with handbook guidelines for Time Travel, but of course, that's been done. You might rewrite a chapter in first person to see what you think. I did that once and reverted to third person limited as you have here -- I wound up much more convincingly inside the character's head.

If your MC is going to overanalyze everything, this tendency should come out naturally in dialogue remembered or current. Otherwise, the author's constant explanations and analysis, the author's preferences for diatribes on Time Travel, will intrude, and it's like having a boorish party guest inside the reader's head.

Memphis Girl (Lisa)

SF42

Hi Andrew,
I was very interested to see how you would handle this. The movie Memento is one of my favourites so this just the sort of thing that appeals to me.
I see what you mean about there being some similarities between your book and mine. One difference that does stick out to me, though, is that you are using third-person which makes the chatty ‘vehicle for observations’ style you are using harder to pull off. I hope you realise just how difficult a challenge you have set yourself - giving a personality to an invisible narrator. Douglas Adams (who is obviously an influence) set the benchmark for this approach (though even he resorted to ‘the book’) - but he was known for obsessive editing and revising, delivering manuscripts late, and generally being very non-prolific in terms of words per day.
A deadpan style might prove easier, but I suspect it would defeat the purpose of the book. In any case, you have got a great premise and plenty of good raw material to work from - it is just going to take a lot of polishing.
Which leads me to my next observation, that you have a high ratio of commentary to action. An example of what I mean - In your Ch 1 (part 2 on Auth.), the paragraph starting “One case where he had forgotten to adequately inform himself …” reads a bit like a sketch of a scene you could write but didn’t. As a blunt rule of thumb, stuff happening is easier for a reader to digest than being told stuff (human nature: we will happily learn from example but having someone else tell us what to do just gets out backs up). In this particular case, the scene that follows would work fine without the preamble, so you could just delete it (the paragraph) - or you could use the idea in a scene somewhere else, later in the story.
A lot of the commentary has to be there, of course - I am just suggesting you only use it when there is no other way of getting the idea across. (Having read a bit more since making this note - I see that the amount of commentary falls off.)

On a related note, the explanatory excerpt at the end of Ch. 1 - if it was me, I would drop it altogether. Remember, this is fiction - not everything has to be explained. Readers like a bit of obfuscation and mystery. If you can think of a way to do it, the best way to deal with the explanation of the time travel would be to somehow work it into the “surprisingly inevitable” ending that all good novels are meant to have. (Do you know how you are going to end it yet?). Failing that, just drop it in along the way, as you already have in the pub scene in Ch. 2.

Also, you have some interludes where characters pop up, such as the subway passenger or the taxi driver (and maybe the elderly couple and venture capitalists?), that do not appear to have any relevance to the plot. That is OK, I guess, but it is another of those things that are best kept to a minimum.
A final comment, probably influenced by the feedback I have got for mine - the time travel premise is obvious immediately, but the ‘problem to be solved’ does not start to emerge until quite a bit later with the hacker guy. Whether or not this is a bad thing is a matter of taste, but unless there is a good reason not to, it might work better if you move the cup/hacker stuff closer to the start.

Feel free to disagree with, ask for clarification, discuss, etc. anything I have written here. Because of the similarities you mentioned with my own book, this attempt to do a critique of your story has been quite illuminating.

SF42
Andrew,

The pitches were awesome and the premise is fantastic. I was totally stoked to read this and really glad I did. I’m not totally qualified to comment on grammar and things of the like but here are a few very minor things I noticed while I was reading and all of them were in the prologue. (: The rest seemed pretty spot on.

“It can’t have been a dream, thought Tristan, as his…”

“Only assuming that what had happened was time travel…”

There should be a space between thecat when Tristan is talking to himself from the tv.

In the paragraph about the massage I may change “so do so” to something along the lines of, “So I suggest you do so as well,” it may flow a little better.

In accordance with where to put the rest of the paper --- maybe the Tristan from the tv left it for him to read as a reminder and when he looks at it he gets a flash back about when he wrote it and you can incorporate it in that way?

I’m a big fan of theoretical physics, sci-fi, time-travel, all of the excellent things you’ve got going on here. You do a superb job of making it difficult enough to be interestingly intriguing but easy enough to allow the reader to understand what’s going on (most of the time :). The quotes were all awesome and I love the humor and dialogue.

You’ve got a great thing going here and I can’t wait to read more. It’s really just excellently written and I love the world you’ve created. Five stars from me and I will definitely be backing! Kudos. (:

Bre
Memoria

Well there are elements of parallel regresion on interdimensional time planes reminiscent of "Benjamin Buttons" but with a more complex understanding of the order of time within the universe. The use of psychological theory on egos lends itself to varied interpretations of linear or elliptical time event. Some of the writing has a heavy "Guide" feel to it. A lot of work and deep thought went into your work. I'll continue to read on.

In kind, "The Devil Of Black Bayou" examines humanity through two popular gendre's. I use first person perspective to covey emotions angst and a lost romance.

This is way underrated and should be much higher.

A Fatal Misuse of Time.
Andrew Marfleet.

Well, I like the Idea of time travel, but going backwards makes the readers head spin.
Only being able to see tomorrow while in yesterday seems like treading water to me.
It takes some getting used to.
I think the book cover is just great; it fits in well with the storyline.
The same with both pitches, they’re good and tell a lot to a potential buyer of the book.
I’ve read the first chapter and just about coming to terms with it.
A very clever and well thought out book, it has to be.
I would have to go back to yesterday to alter today and allow more time.
Alas, I can’t do that so I will get back to it for more another day.
Well star rated!

…(Thecat)? Tristan glanced around, suddenly eager to see the moody creature… (The cat)
…there were other (telltale) differences… (tell-tale)

Best wishes,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Your pitch reminded me of groundhogs day or some reason, which of course made me start reading it.
great piece of writing, its very unique and well writing. Your first two chapters sucked me right in. On my W/L for further reading!

I'm a sucker when it comes to the concept of time so I just had to shelve this excellent book. It is intelligently written with a good handle on difficult concepts. I found it an interesting and fun read.

Hey Marfleet,

I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken me so long to get to it! First I just want to say that I love your idea. It’s unique and I adore that. I've never read anything about the nature of time. Second, I really like your opening sentence. It triggers so many questions that I want to read on to find out why he always wakes up dressed.

The only thing I’ve picked up on are little grammer mistakes that can be fixed by re-reading your work out loud. I’ve learned this through experience (although I am not a grammer expert).
One sentence in particular that felt a little off was “It can’t have been a dream thought Tristan as his higher levels of consciousness were cruelly kick started into action.”
Maybe instead, “However, Tristan thought it couldn’t have been a dream as his higher levels of consciousness were cruelly kick started into action.”
“Thecat?” You forgot to space the two words in the first chapter.

After reading the first two chapters, I can honestly say that I really like your story so far. It’s really interesting and I’d like to come back and read more of it when I have more time. Continue writing! I can see you doing really great things in the future!
All the best,

Christine Rees
Spark

First it's like nim nim nim and then it aint, and you is on it – init. I kotched down to it but was flat roofing right off. It wants lots of ations – like concentration, imagination and resignation. Esoteric aint in it - init.
I loved Hitch Hiker .., and found it easier to read because I had Peter Jones voice in my head all the time. A superfluous comment but I'd typed it before I realised. I think you undoubtedly have great talent, will probably become very successful and make some psychiatrist very rich.
I'm new to Authonomy so I may cock this up – but what I want is to say six stars and don't put anything sharp in your pockets. I'll check the rules but I think I have to put you on my shelf or something. Brilliant.
Brian Sellars

Hi
Wow! I am in awe of your ability! This piece of writing is marvellous and in a weird kind of way I am really enjoying it. I have had to read this chapter about three times and I'm still not sure I've got to grips with it - are you playing with my head? I am somewhat confused, no doubt I'm meant to be! I get the alternative reality concept and the waking up a day earlier than the one before and I am intrigued to see how you are handling the main character's everyday life where everyone else is living forwards, or are they? Now I am confusing myself and I'm sure my questions will be answered in the coming chapters ... As far as the writing is concerned I cannot fault it. You have a very readable style and your writing is extremely polished. I would like to see a bit more background on the main character but that will be coming in the next chapters, I'm sure. Well done and best of luck. Highly starred and on my watch list waiting for an available space.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

SF42

Andrew,

Well, you clearly haven’t suffered from 'a fatal misuse of time’ with this work my good man! The premise and plot of this MS are outstanding. Quantum jumping of consciousness through different multiverse threads? Very clever. Almost painfully clever, I’m still not sure that I’ve fully got my head round it yet (then again, I’m still trying to work out the Terminator film paradox). But I really like this in a book, and here it works beautifully. Your writing has a great style; professional, publication-ready, and I didn’t notice any typos - so guessing that Mr Marfleet Editing LTD eliminated that issue :)

Onto the comments:

Prologue:

I didn’t get the bit about the cat having ‘been’ somewhere at first. I had to read this a few times, and concluded that the cat must be missing; in that it must have ‘gone’ or be ‘existing’ somewhere else? It becomes clear further down (and now I’m starting to feel sorry for that little moggy).

‘... tap-danced drunkenly through Tristan’s head banging into the furniture before being dragged off to get its act together.’ Awesome; paints a great visual.

Pause button? On a remote I guessed (correctly). Maybe be worth including its different material composition, or millimetre thickness, in the prior description of the room - so it’s subtly brought into the scene before it’s specifically mentioned.

He was on the bed rocking, and then stood up out of a chair :-O

‘... I enjoyed it, so do so’ seemed wrong—probably isn’t—but did make me pause. Maybe ‘...and so will you’ or a variant thereof would read better.

Re: the note at the bottom – an appendix is my call. It needs to be in there somewhere, and you could put a brief note at the beginning of the prologue, or just after the paragraph, saying it’s in appendix X.

CH1:

One thing that sprung to mind. He is jumping sideways, on a backwards path, through time / consciousness to his future – would he still feel the hangover from the day after, i.e. does he take the body with him to yesterday, or inhabit the yesterday’s body? AAARGH!! :)

‘...one small slip from the future he had just had...’ may be smoother as ‘...one small slip from the future he’d just had...’

Kathy & non-event – LOL, the old switch-a-roo, caught me out!

Maybe the lengthy article on SLACK FOOLS (great BTW) could be an appendix as well, with a short summary paragraph and reference, or subscript, pointing the reader to the relevant appendices? When I get these in a book I will always have a peek, and this way it doesn't interrupt the stories flow – just a thought.

The chapters are lengthy. Great for print, but might be daunting to read on Autho. It’s only my preference though (and I seem to the say this to most people, so I might actually be the only one with said preference). The pace of the story is great with lots happening to keep the interest, but there is something... which I think is linked with your chapter length. In a book readers turn a page after every 300 words to so, breaking up the concentration. A chapter in the K’s on Autho, for me, equates to reading a very tall book (old-fashioned scroll style), and can make it easier to lose your place.

In summary: Outstanding, very entertaining, cleverly mind f—ky, and blissfully confusing all wrapped up in one.

Max stars and WL’d for future reading!

Best Wishes for the ED,
J.

Andrew, Yes, I think using just a paragraph is a better way to go at the beginning. I still think that you could use these paragraphs at the beginning of chapters, like what Asimov does with the "Galactic Encyclopedia" in the Foundation series. You could even do more with this theory if you had the interest and put something like this at the beginning of every chapter, though I know you like putting other things there, like the T.S. Eliot quote. Mark

Me again! (from the SF42 group)

- I’m glad you cut down the article from the beginning. I wasn’t a fan of it, as you know, but I think if you spread it out over the next few chapters (if you want to have it somewhere in your book), that would work. Maybe just a paragraph or two at a time at the beginning of a chapter to maybe foreshadow would could happen. Just a suggestion, of course. I definitely like the cut though. It lets me get straight into the book.
- You also changed the ‘I’ to ‘he’ which is much better. See, I catch the changes. You also cut out the repetitiveness of the silk items. Much cleaner.
- Aha! Explaining the aging! Thank you!
- “The concept of one thousand years….” That little paragraph, you misspelled his name. Not sure if it was like that the first time…if it was, sorry I missed it.
- I actually really like how you explained the whole moving through time, non-aging thing. It still fits in extremely well with your style of writing, which is good….since you wrote it.
- Huzzah! The ‘a’ in archaeologist! I’m in love. :)

It’s much cleaner, this time around. I do like the concept of the article, because it does help to set up the story, but I don’t think it can be there all at once. The paragraph you have is fine, or maybe if there were two paragraphs but to have any more at the very beginning of the book is a bit heavy. If you find a way to incorporate the rest of the paper into the plot, I think that’d be best, rather than in an appendix.

- Nichole

I read this tomorrow but had to wait until yesterday to give a cohesive comment.

Genius! Some might say Douglas Adams on speed but i say nay! I absolutely love the imagintive concept. I'm a big fan of time-travel stories and my fourth Otherkind has Einsteinian time travel and effects on future timelines so this has been and continues to be a treat for me.
Firstly, would like to say that your first chapter was excellent and your use of dialogue as the MC talking to himself was very, VERY innovative. Being a lover of dialogue doing the 'show don't tell' this chapter gave me the immediacy to engross myself in the story straight away. However, because you spoiled me so thoroughly with chpt 1 I did find chpt 2 not as involving as there was much i was 'told about'. I would have liked more people interactions to break up the amount of data told about.

Having said this however i cannot state enough how innovative and extremely humourous i'm finding this story: FOOLS and SLACKS indeed! I think this book is one to watch and have highly star-rated it plus will be putting it on my shelf from the watchlist as soon as im able to.

Very well done and if you don't do well with this i'll eat last monday's breakfast for supper tomorrow!

Maria :-)

Wow! I love this story. It is fantastic, imaginative, different and confusing all at once. It's perfect. I rarely find a book I want to finish as soon as I start reading it, but I will be back to read more of this one. I will have to find a place on my shelf or it. Six stars and I promise to be back for more. If I could buy it today I would!

A wonderful cover and perhaps I can value the book accordingly. The premise is good, although not unique. Its working allows for interesting possibilities. These are explored well so that the reader is intrigued, mystified and compelled ton read on. Although you've explained your MC clearly,I did feel he needed to panic a bit more. If I read right on would I find him researching the lead up to every important event which he had experienced? A fascinating read. This is destined to do well. Backing as soon as I have a space, 3 days prob. Lara
A RELATIVE LOSS

SF42 Review

Hello Andrew, here is my SF42 review for you. I make notes as I read each chapter, and they’re usually my first reaction to a particular sentence/scene/paragraph/etc. I’m not an agent or an editor, and I don’t pretend to be. I’m just a reader, and these are my reactions and thoughts about what could possibly be just a random book I picked up at the store. I hope you find some of my notes helpful.

Just from the pitch (which I don’t usually comment on), it almost sounds like Benjamin Button, but more complex.

Chapter 1
- Scrolling through, it looks as though you have a bit of a formatting issue. You have the chapter copied twice here. I took a look at each paragraph quickly, and they match up perfectly. I had thought that maybe it was part of the story, and maybe that is…but they’re exactly the same….
- The beginning of the chapter is extremely heavy. I like that you’re setting up the basis for the book and his research right at the beginning, but it makes it hard for me (personally) to drag through it.
- In the sixth paragraph when he’s thinking to himself, it would be helpful to show right away that it’s a thought, so either quotations or italics. I don’t like having to re-read something because I read it in the wrong voice the first time, if that makes sense
- I don’t like the bit about the silk items, and the penthouse. It was fine the first time, but you repeated the objects and I just thought “yes, I got it. He’s out of place because he doesn’t own those things.”
- Type out 2mm in full
- Heh, ‘Don’t Panic’ reminds me of The Guide
- Aww, cat. I like cats….
- GAHH!! Archaeologists….you forgot the ‘a’….I don’t care if it’s another world! Give me at least the ‘a’…..

Chapter 2
- Your writing and the insanity of the book really do remind me of The Guide. I’m halfway through this chapter and I have nothing to say about it yet….you’re making me suspend my reality so much that I almost can’t comment, because it seems as though anything can happen here.
- I actually kind of like the idea of him reading the obits. I think that’d be pretty neat…but I’m a bit morbid.
- I’m not sure I understand the whole aging process, though. If he was, in fact, moving backwards through his life, he would get younger and eventually go back to the day he was born. That’s the way it’s been described so far, at least, unless I’m misunderstanding it.
- I also wonder though, how does he go backwards in time? By falling asleep? If so, would he not go backwards if he stayed awake? Or does he go back every 24 hours, in which case, if he were to stay awake for more than 24 hours, would he see and feel the action of going back in time?
- I’ve noticed in this chapter that you tend to repeat things which you said in either the first chapter, or only a few paragraphs earlier. You explained Harold once, so you don’t need to continuously do it in various ways.
- “And she was content.” I like that. Very simple and sweet.

I could easily continue reading, which is a really good thing. I find it usually pretty difficult to do so on this site. Your writing is….different. It’s not brilliant, or anything, but it’s good. It’s quirky, I guess. I’m not sure the right term for it. There were parts of brilliance, however, such as the “and she was content” comment. I really enjoy the concept so far, but I did have a problem with the logistics of the time travel, which I discussed in my notes.

I usually leave much more extensive notes, so it’s either a good thing I didn’t have much to comment on, or not good for you if you were looking for ways to improve. One thing I suppose I can say is that you have a very disjointed style of writing. It was somewhat confusing at times, but it’s a style that works very well in sci-fi and you do it well. I guess it’s not necessarily something you need to work on, but maybe keep that in mind.

Anyway, I did enjoy your book and I’ve starred it and added it to my WL.

- Nichole

Re the article at the beginning :
I have certainly been wondering about that. One train of thought is that only someone who would take the time and be intrigued with that description would bother with the book anyway – of course, it would be good to get them to buy the book before they gave up  I also felt it necessary to get the background in quickly but maybe it could be done some other way.
That article and a couple of articles Tristan writes are places that I am concerned with. The rational for the articles later in the book is, apart from building Tristan’s character and good fun, is that they give the reader a bit of a break from reverse time thinking and hopefully they can then return refreshed – or they slow the plot and should be put in and appendix (maybe footnoted for the reader to flip to if they want to or wait and have a treat at the end)

Oh, I like this very, very much. Well-written, great concept.

Is Chapter 1 inadvertently repeated? I scanned the second version and didn’t see anything different. I thought it might at first be a Schroedinger’s Cat alternative chapter 1, but I think it’s just duplicated. Or maybe it’s the authonomy site acting up. Anyway, I see two copies of chapter 1 in the chapter 1 space, both beginning with the T.S. Eliot quote and both ending with the attractive masseuse.

Did you see the movie Memento, about a man who had lost his short-term memory? Your book reminds me of it reminds me of it.

A question: “Write up the notes for the day you’ve just had as soon as you get up: that’s tomorrow.” Right, I get that. But, “Write up today before you go to sleep.” When you wake, won’t that be tomorrow also, meaning you’re writing up two versions of tomorrow? Maybe I’m missing something.

I loved the section in Chapter 2 about Clare. Very dear.

This is all quite good. Literally mind-bending, this thinking in reverse. I wonder if it will exhaust or exhilarate readers. I’m still very intrigued, and wonder how it all begins/ends.

High stars, and I hope by Monday to be able to back it formally.

Oh, one thing to consider: The excerpt from the scientific paper at the very beginning could be too much, too soon. I followed it, but I had to concentrate. You could lose readers with it. I wonder if you could possibly scatter bits of it throughout your narrative, like at the top of each chapter. It’s good stuff, but it’s a lot of theory in a tight bundle. It risks doing at the very beginning of your book precisely what my Dante section is doing about 20-30 pages into mine, i.e., losing the reader. If someone were flipping your book in a bookstore, trying to decide whether or not to buy, well he hits this on page one, second paragraph, and you could very well lose the person. Besides, it takes away some of the mystery/suspense of the situation. Do you want to explain it so quickly right out of the box like that? I love the television Tristan explaining things—that’s a great way to approach it—more dramatic and less expository. Something to consider anyway.

Great job, though. Best. Mark

Oh, I like this very, very much. Well-written, great concept.

Is Chapter 1 inadvertently repeated? I scanned the second version and didn’t see anything different. I thought it might at first be a Schroedinger’s Cat alternative chapter 1, but I think it’s just duplicated. Or maybe it’s the authonomy site acting up. Anyway, I see two copies of chapter 1 in the chapter 1 space, both beginning with the T.S. Eliot quote and both ending with the attractive masseuse.

Did you see the movie Memento, about a man who had lost his short-term memory? Your book reminds me of it reminds me of it.

A question: “Write up the notes for the day you’ve just had as soon as you get up: that’s tomorrow.” Right, I get that. But, “Write up today before you go to sleep.” When you wake, won’t that be tomorrow also, meaning you’re writing up two versions of tomorrow? Maybe I’m missing something.

I loved the section in Chapter 2 about Clare. Very dear.

This is all quite good. Literally mind-bending, this thinking in reverse. I wonder if it will exhaust or exhilarate readers. I’m still very intrigued, and wonder how it all begins/ends.

High stars, and I hope by Monday to be able to back it formally.

Oh, one thing to consider: The excerpt from the scientific paper at the very beginning could be too much, too soon. I followed it, but I had to concentrate. You could lose readers with it. I wonder if you could possibly scatter bits of it throughout your narrative, like at the top of each chapter. It’s good stuff, but it’s a lot of theory in a tight bundle. It risks doing at the very beginning of your book precisely what my Dante section is doing about 20-30 pages into mine, i.e., losing the reader. If someone were flipping your book in a bookstore, trying to decide whether or not to buy, well he hits this on page one, second paragraph, and you could very well lose the person. Besides, it takes away some of the mystery/suspense of the situation. Do you want to explain it so quickly right out of the box like that? I love the television Tristan explaining things—that’s a great way to approach it—more dramatic and less expository. Something to consider anyway.

Great job, though. Best. Mark

This is about the most intriguing story I've read on Authonomy! This is impressive. The writing is clear, and I care about the main character. The only mis-up I saw was when Tristan spoke in his mind and used "I", but in the same sentence was "he". It was confusing. you may want to italicise the thoughts, and then it will flow more smoothly.

who would ever think about waking up into yesterday? and reversing time? Intriguing! I am giving you six stars and putting you in my WL. When I get room, I will put you on my shelf. Great job!!!!

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

Andrew, a great philosophical work. Lots to think about here. I’m just reading Steve Jobs’s biography where he gets the Mac to introduce itself to Apple shareholders, and they all punch the air in messianic glee, and then your instructional “wafer thin” TV appears. Excellent.

I laughed at “sure enough Mick Jagger was croaking away”. I was constantly diverted by how interesting it all is. I Googled ‘multiverses’, and the opening *change quote, and I became sidetracked by the Fabric of Reality and all sorts.

So an hour later, I still haven’t reached the end of chapter 1, but I am enjoying it paragraph-by-paragraph taking in all the wondrous things Tristan’s discovering. A digital self! Queen Elvis! It makes you think, as they say.

*Regarding the ‘change’ quote, Giles Fraser said something similar on Thought for the Day in 08, but I'm no wiser.

At last - a time travel novel that is different to all the others with new ideas. Not many of those around! Looking forward to reading the rest!
Would be interested in reading my sci fi novel COMMENCES? I'd be interested to know what you think.

SJB

The words ‘clever story line!’ roll nicely off the tongue here, if you want a book that gets your neurons firing, then this is the one for you. However, it’s not for the faint hearted. So don’t read it before bedtime or you’re never to get to sleep, as I found out! I’m not saying it’s scary here, I’m just saying it’s a stimulating read that deservers respect. I really like this book and hope it does very well! A smart book for open-minded thinkers, and a enjoyable read.
Excellent!

6 stars!

very intriguing, backed!

I have rated your book and backed it for now. I do like time travel novel, so I will read soon.

SF42

Hi Andrew,

This is an intriguing read. I recall the premise from T.H. White's work and you've really made it your own. I liked the philosophical interludes where Tristan discusses the multiverse theory - I'd never really thought of time as linked slices of reality in the way you describe but it's a good way of thinking about it. Like other readers, it took me a while to get to grips with what was happening to Tristan but the story soon settled into a rhythm.

I am puzzled as to why Tristan's day-to-day life is backwards in time, yet he experiences each day itself (hour-by-hour) forwards in time. I assumed it was something to do with sleep patterns (e.g. parallel universe memories reorganising themselves overnight, or something!) but if there was an explanation in your text I think I missed it.

The humour was good. The introduction of a more complicated plot after the first few chapters was a surprise, as to me the book was already establishing itself nicely as a philosophical examination of time through fiction, in a style that reminded me a little of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (!). I read to the end and you've left me intrigued as to how the completed novel will pan out. This is one of the more original books I've found on Authonomy!

All the best,

Steph (Hollow Moon)

FATAL MISUSE OF TIME
What a clever idea for a story. It took me a minute, like Tristan, to get the hang of what was happening to him, but okay. I read the first three chapters after that. Having the TV image of himself explain what had happened was a clever way to introduce what was going on rather than just have him think through this on his own. I think this would be the perfect book to read on a plane because it requires concentration and could keep me from thinking about how much I hate to fly. I’m adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

The way you've written this so far is very interesting. The character development works well, and his reaction to seeing himself on screen, apparently three days beforehand, is described perfectly. I also noticed you have a sort of style similar to Douglas Adams. The little comedy twists you throw in really help the story along. I don't know if you've read "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy," by said author, but he uses the phrase "Don't Panic" in a similar way.
I think this one has a lot of potential, especially considering the level of detail and your work with altering time. As I said before, it's no easy task.

Jordan
"Where You Belong"

Clever premise. I like it.

SF42

Hi Andrew

I've read 2 chapters. I like the presmise a lot, and I really like how you can have even little mysteries like how his cup got broken. It somehow puts me in mind of how I try to link my books - for example, something might happen in book 1 in the background, and in book 2 (non-linear seque;s), the MC might be the cause of that thing. I just like the way the reader, here and in mine, will read later the cause of what they've already read the effect of. Anyway, my notes:

'and, of course(,) his total academic...'

'...possible to jump across to other multiverses(,) or backward...' - also, would he not be jumping to other universes within the multiverse? Unless you mean he wants to jump to another multiverse within the omniverse!

I don't know if it's necessary to put double quotation marks inside a quoted section, because you use italics for that. I'd only use doubles if I was using singles for the quotes - ie, doubles inside singles.

It isn't always - in fact more often that not it isn't - necessary to put 'he thought'. For example, 'Well, today he would do it for real!' That is quite clearly him thinking it, not the narrator telling us that he will. Even the first person thoughts I don't usually put 'he thought' after because, again, it's not going to be the narrator, is it, so who else would it be? I'm glad to see someone else using thoughts without italics or quotes, too :)

I may have missed it, but I don't think you set up anything about satin sheets. This next line would make better sense with it. Perhaps in the first line, you can just put something like, 'Instead, he pulled the soft, satin sheets over his head and let his mind wander....' or something.

I'm sure you're aware - and this is sci fi anyway - but I feel I should point out, just in case, that 3D TVs, as is, can't be viewed in 3D without glasses. I only say it because this gave me the feel of being one of those 'realistic', modern sci fi novels. But, I'm sure you know, so it's intentional. Judging from the 2mm thickness, though, I'm guessing this is simply a different universe.

To backtrack slightly - he doesn't seem too....I don't know how to put it. There's no real reaction to the fact that something has happened, and it might be time travel. I know it's first thing in the morning, and things kind of wash over you then, but still...

'although it felt a lot longer...' - I think this bit of the sentence should be between dashes, or in brackets (though I don't like them).

Again, this doesn't seem like a likely reaction at seeing himself on the TV. And I wouldn't down some tablets just because someone said so; even it WAS me!

I don't think you should write digits in dialogue.

'as it turn(ed) out.'

'some of (the) differences were almost inconceivable.'

'didn't have a hand in that!(")'

Why have you switched to putting thoughts in italics?

'like the rest of us' is a bit strange to read. Is the narrator now a normal person?

'to go to (the) shops'

Scottish people tend to say 'pal' rather than 'mate', in my experience.

I'm not sure about his column being read less and less because of attention span. Surely attention span doesn't come into play when time is going backwards - or are you writing that from the view of time going forwards, as opposed to Tristan's own?

I didn't read any further, as that's a pretty long chapter. I really like the premise and the writing. It's just funny enough that it adds a lot, but without it becoming actual comedy, and watering down the impact of Clare's situation, for example. It is very well written, with only the occassional comma issue. I'll back it when I have the space. Good luck with it :)

A FATAL MISUSE OF TIME

Hello,


Here is my portion of our first chapter read swap. I was initially drawn to your story because it had such an interesting premise in the short pitch. I do think the long pitch could be condensed a little to just tell the heart of what is going to happen, just enough info to keep us reading on but not too much that we are overwhelmed as a prospective reader.

I like how you use dialogue to help drive this ... but you don’t lose the balance of narrative and dialogue. Characterization is strong and somehow, I’m finding this to be believable. I think that is always a struggle for fantasy and sci-fi writers. So good job with that. I am giving you six stars fro an innovative idea that I could see going far. Good luck with this!

Best,

Ashley
“Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket”

SF42 review

I think this story has a fabulous premise and it is well written, with plenty of humour. Also, it tends to tie one’s brain into knots as one tries to work through the logic of Tristan’s predicament. Aaargh! So I really enjoyed it and had great fun reading it. It made me continue thinking and worrying about its logic long after I’d finished (so far just the first 3 chapters). And thinking and worrying more - but I’ll come to that in a bit.

To start at the beginning, I was initially intrigued by the pitch - so it does its job! The start of the story drew me in right away. And by the time the Tristran of the future (past) was telling the Tristran of the past (future) to take the stress tablets I knew I was going to enjoy this (and groping for my own stress tablets). The idea is such a lovely one - and one I found really difficult to get my brain around. So, perhaps the most compelling thing about the story was my curiosity as to how you were going to handle it. Plus, there were plenty of lines that made me smile out loud.

I particularly liked the scene with Tristan and Clare. Nicely thought out. And the great hooks were the Don’t Panic mug, the station locker, the mysterious guy, and so on.

Anyway, I spotted one anachronism ... although, given we’re dealing with different timelines, I’m no longer sure it is! In your Ch.1 (dated 19 Sep 2001), it says that Clare followed her granddaughter on Facebook which, in our timeline at least, doesn’t get launched until Feb 2004. But, given what happened to poor Elvis, maybe Facebook was launched earlier in Tristan’s timeline.

And now to the things that had my brain going into overdrive. These are just one reader’s thoughts, so may or may not be of use to you.

The thing that had me puzzling most of all was why the story needs to start in 2139 and then jump 138 years to 2001. This means that, after getting a glimpse of his first 3 days, we skip the next 138 years of Tristan’s new life. I wondered at the need to start so far into the future? For one thing, by that time Harold will have changed markedly (laptops will probably be very arcane devices by then). Would it not be sufficient to start in, say, 2025, or even 2012?

Connected to this, I felt I would have liked to experience those first few days of Tristan’s new life with him; to see how he adjusted to the weird logic he would now have to deal with. Could the days you describe from Ch.1 onwards not be the very first few days of Tristan’s adventure? Why have the 138-year gap; it seems a trifle long.

A small point, is that Tristan, having inadvertently sentenced himself to several hundred years of backward life, rather accepts it and gets on with it. I would have thought his first impulse would have been to wonder how he might undo what he’s done. Perhaps his future self on the TV could tell him that’s not possible in this timeline - for some reason.

A couple of times it is mentioned that an act of will by Tristan changes the future. Rather than be told this, it might be good to see him discovering/experiencing this himself. Or perhaps he can give an example of such an occurrence when he is talking to one of the people ‘in the know’ about his situation.

Some of the asides and digressions could be pruned a little as I thought they rather slowed the story down and detracted from it. This is particularly the case in Ch.2. I felt some of these asides went on a little too long. I just wanted the story - with all its little mysteries and curiosities.

This may seem a long list of points, but, I say again, this is a great book, which stretches the mind and delights while it does so. So a definite thumbs-up from me.

Thank you for all our comments.
The prologue has allways been a worry for me as I found that I needed to get the reader into the mind set before the novel started or it is really quite a mind bend. I do understand the point that the dryness of the explanation may put people off but I am not quite sure how it could be done differently - possibly a recollection of a conversation with his proffessor? I will put some thought into it for sure.
I am enjoying your book but this web site slows ones reading sdown as one gets sidetracked! I will have to work out a statagy for dealing with everything :-)
BTW how did you find out the book was posted?

Reagrds
Andrew

A FATAL MISUSE OF TIME
Andrew Marfleet

I read all four chapters because I was unable to stop. Now I am in the place where incomplete manuscripts leave me desparately needing to know what happens next. This is when the writing is good and this story is filled with an incredible amount of intellectual information. I suspect you are a physicist or just know how to speak as one does. Either way, I believe you are an accomplished writer.

In the first chapter there is a long amount of exposition but it comes after the beginning bit of interesting introduction to a character. I am not sure why I felt compelled to read through that lengthly part you wrote in italics. At first I supposed you were quoting another study on the subject matter. Then, after reading all this, I can see that it was you telling me. I am torn about saying this, because all this data is of interest to me. However, in my opinion, it may not serve the commercial demand of show don't tell. If there would be some way you could get this out in conversation with another character such as the one with Christian at the pub, it may appeal to those readers who are looking for the sort of intrigue you show in later chapters. The mystery lurks there along with the way this made me think. It is quite a feat of skill that you are able to lay out the timeline in the various scenarios. Not really confusing but more like I needed to really pay attention to figure it all out. This is not mindless reading but more like technically inventive literature.

There is one issue that made me pause in the conversations Tristan had with himself on the computer or television screen. The former Tristan kept referring to "us" rather than "you" It was something that stopped me to try and figure out how it really should be. I kept considering that there were actually two Tristans but still the same one. Really provocative, Andrew.

I honestly would like to read more of this. It is so engaging in the dry humor. The part about the cell phones and the behavior they cause really made me laugh. I don't own one of those devil devices myself. Can't stand them, feel affronted when confronted with someone using the demmed things and estatic that the law is being passed here in the US that it is a crime to use one whilst driving an automobile. That one invention has changed our lives to such an extent that it may never be tranquil again. Ring, ring, ring, buzz, buzz, buzz. Most of the time I don't even answer my land line. Voice mail is the ticket.

I am not certain what I expected of your writing when I first read your long pitch. The actual story far surpasses anything I imagined it would be. For this reason, I am pleased to back your work and wish you the best of luck with it here on Authonomy. It can be a long ride but many of the best have made the journey. It is much more than the destination, for you will have the feedback from your peers that will prove helpful and inspiring.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck
A King in Time