Trusting Claude

Read through chapter 3 and loved it. I am sitting here with a beagle, the one in my avi, sleeping beside me. This is the most meaningful read I've had this week on Autho. Thanks for sharing it. I didn't find any typos or obvious mistakes. I love present tense, (which is also how I wrote my story). I love how it makes you feel like you're living the story minute by minute as it's happening. Highly starred and backed!
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

TRUSTING CLAUDE
Chapter 34-36. The hunt for Secret Sally is moving forward. And no surprise, Jess is pregnant. The surprise is: she’s happy about it. And here’s that problem again of telling us something in retrospect rather than when it’s happening; she says she felt a little sad last month when she didn’t get her period; why not have her tell us that when it happened? Keep us in the story as it is happening rather than leave us out so later on, someone has to tell us what happened.
Chapter 37-39. Jess packs up Cody’s room for the move. I was surprised to see her doing that. A lot of people would have given his crib and clothes to Goodwill; started fresh with a new baby. Help keep the new baby from becoming a “replacement baby”; having to compete and never be as good as the memory of the first baby (she’s a nurse; she knows all that).
Luke and Jess talk about Yvette and Jess explains what midwives do. Seems odd because as Jess has been talking about going to midwifery school since the early chapters, Luke must have asked before this what midwives do. Makes the conversation more of a lecture than a real conversation. Maybe have Yvette review what she does the first time Jess meets her to get the info into the story in a more realistic way? Yvette does another lecture when she says midwives aren’t paid by insurance. I think that’s good information for the story, but again, if Jess is planning on being a midwife, doesn’t she already know that?
Happy to hear she realizes she might have been able to sue the first doctor. This is what I wanted her to mention earlier in the story.
Chapter 40-41. Jess is worried Luke doesn’t want a home birth. Jess tells Yvette they told Luke’s mom about the baby and she cried and cried. Again, why just let us hear about that second hand? Why not let us see the scene as it happens? The Lee and Leigh mixup is good plotting.
Chapter 42-44. Jess meets the new doctor. And I agree with Jess; I didn’t like her much either. Jess’s attitude toward a sonogram surprises me. She’s a nurse. She’s a high risk mother (hasn’t taken a prenatal vitamin and now doesn’t seem to be taking any vitamin at all; makes her high risk for a neural tube defect). Wouldn’t she ask for evidence based opinions sonograms bother babies? And why doesn’t Yvette produce those? Or don’t they exist?
Chapter 45-48. Jess and Luke argue over home birth and both of them threaten to sue? What happened to their belief people couldn’t sue? Makes their threats seem hollow. And I don’t understand why Jess doesn’t visit her local hospital and ask the questions she needs to know: can she have a midwife with her? Can she use the same nonmedicine techniques to manage pain in the hospital she can at home? Rather than just believing the hospital will make her have an epidural again. And a small thing: shouldn’t Jess be practicing some breathing exercises if she’s going to do this naturally?
Chapter 49 -51. A small thing: Yvette says she doesn’t use a Doppler because of Jess’s concerns. The concern of sonogram was Yvette’s concern. Showing the photo of Sally to Luke’s mom is a great scene.
Chapter 52 and 53 are the same chapter.
Chapter 54 -. The birth is dramatic. Good writing.
Chapter 55-60. Everything is going well. And the adoption agency calls. That’s a good complication.
Chapter 61-63. Melanie appears and Marge dies. A sad but good ending. So let me finish the questions:
Plot. There are really three stories here: an explanation of the wonders of home birth and the horrors of hospital birth; a second plot about Jess and the baby; then later on a third story about finding Secret Sally. I’m wondering if you thought of introducing the Sally story earlier. The first of this is so sad, I think it needs a counterbalance so I’m wondering if the Sally story wouldn’t do just that. I’m also wondering if there’s a way to tie the two plots together more; what if finding Sally and seeing how she has overcome so many obstacles (being adopted, losing her parents, adopted again – yet turning out all right) could be the motivation that converts Jess from a totally despondent woman into a functioning one again.
The birth is the climax of this story so everything that comes after it makes it anticlimactic. Based on that, I’m wondering if you should at least move Melanie’s appearance up before that.
I think you also need to ask yourself why you wrote this story: to tell the story of Jess and Luke, two very nice people who find themselves in a horrible quandary or to tell how wonderful are home birth and, oh by the way, has two characters names Jess and Luke. The story (IMO) is heavily slanted toward the second plot (glorifying home birth and putting down hospital births). That’s ok, because you do it so passionately, but are you losing the bulk of your audience (most people don’t believe in home birth) by not presenting both sides of the argument? Is that where Sally could come into the story? Document hospitals allow the same things as home birth only with safeguards built in?
Women’s Issues – lots of them: home birth, how to handle grief, how not to marry just because you’re pregnant, how to remember your birth control pills . . . . will be good book club discussion.

Technical Problems – I felt the story was dragged out. I appreciate it has to cover a long time span because you have to wait for a year for Cody’s birthday celebration, then wait another year for Georgia’s birth, but I’d suggest shortening that time span. First, Jess’s uncontrollable grief seems to go on too long for a competent woman; did you think of having the balloon celebration not a first-year event, but a six week memorial service? So you could move into the heart of your story, the home birth, sooner?

I’d also like you to take a closer look at Jess and see if you can make her more consistent. One moment she’s thinking of killing herself, the next she’s blowing up balloons for a party. One day she’s insisting she doesn’t want a baby; the next she forgets her pills. She insists she wants a natural birth yet doesn’t do much preparation like doing breathing exercises to be ready except buy a pool for the dining room. I think this lack of consistency makes her a weaker character than she should be (I wanted her at the end to decide not to do the home birth but storm back into that hospital and insist they let her have a natural birth in a hospital).
Strong Points – your writing style. It’s absolutely beautiful. I've starred this highly and willl add it to my shelf tomorrow.

Needs More Work – As above, integrating your plots a little better. I know the connection to Yvette is supposed to do that but that feels too coincidental to be real (of all the midwives Jess could have telephoned, she called the one who knew where Luke’s long lost sister was?)
And lastly, bring in Claude more. This is such a sad story you need some counterbalance (IMO) and Claude supplies that. Also, I thought he was the one who was going to help find Sally, not Yvette (why make him psychic if that doesn’t play a major role in the story?)
Sorry I wrote so much comments but I did want to read the entire book. Please ignore negative comments I’ve made about home birth as I’m more interested in women demanding their rights at hospitals than I am in seeing women give birth in unsafe conditions (I have a disabled brother; it’s a long hard road for parents to follow when something goes wrong at birth).

TRUSTING CLAUDE
Chapter 29 -33. I’m thinking how inconsistent Jess’s actions were at the cabin. She’s unhappy with Luke; wouldn’t have even married him if she hadn’t been pregnant – but pops into bed with him at the slightest provocation. She’s made it plain she doesn’t want to have another baby – yet forgets her pills for the weekend. As that was the mistake which caused all her problems a year ago, would she really have forgotten them? This is a woman who makes life and death decisions at work so simple carelessness seems out of place for her character. I think she needs a better reason for not having them: packed them in her makeup case and put it in her car; then they decided to take Luke’s car so she’s at the cabin without lipstick. We realize she also doesn’t have the pills even before she does.
The subplot of finding Secret Sally is going nicely, altho I’m wondering why you include so much of it as Luke telling the family what he’s found, not being able to share the excitement with him as he finds it. Same with the house hunting; suddenly the decision to buy the house has been made but we didn’t get to feel the excitement of the decision moment: just heard about it later (and a small thing, but only looking at two houses seemed odd; surely they’d look at more than that).
I’m halfway through at this point so let me see if I can answer some of the WFGR questions:
Title - is is appealing? It’s good; relevant to the story (altho I would have liked an explanation of why they named a dog Claude. Seems like an odd choice for a dog’s name and if were more catchy, would make the title more catchy).

Beginning - does it catch you and pull you in? The sentence about the suicide is a good one to begin with; sets the tone for the whole story. I think you should add the story of Cody’s death right after the first chapter, tho, to let your reader know Jess has reason for her overwhelming sadness; she’s not just going on and on about something unimportant.

Style – You have a wonderful writing style. If I have a criticism it would be you tend to include more detail than necessary (exact food characters eat, exact movements); cutting that down some would speed up your story.

Characters - compelling? interesting? Both Jess and Luke are good main characters. I didn’t like Jess at first because I couldn’t admire the way she was handling her life (blaming Luke for ruining her life by marrying her; letting a whole year go by before she dealt with Cody’s death) but at this point, halfway through, she seems more capable so is becoming a better character for me. I like Luke a lot and the way he’s quietly bearing the brunt of Jess’s sadness (except for the one time he called her a bitch which seemed out of place). Claude is my favorite character. He’s smarter than the humans. I’m wondering, tho, if he needs to be able to predict the future; believing he communicates this well with Jess is easy to grasp; believing he can also predict the future pushes the line a little.

Dialogue – Dialogue is your strength. It’s always short and sounds real. Be careful, tho, because you write dialogue so well, you don’t use it to have your characters telling your reader something, not showing them. Stopping here because I don’t know how long a comment Authonomy lets me leave. Jo

TRUSTNG CLAUDE
Chapter 18-20. Luke’s mom is worse. And I’m not sure having a baby so she’ll agree to chemo is a good idea, but Jess’s reaction seems extreme. She accuses Luke of talking her into the marriage; when she made it plain before he only asked her to marry him because she told him she was pregnant. Hmmm.
Chapter 21-23. Yvette’s analysis of everything that went wrong with Cody’s birth is interesting. Jess said earlier the forceps were applied wrong but doesn’t mention that here. Leaves me wondering, if she thinks they were applied wrong, why isn’t she sueing for wrongful birth? The balloon release is a wonderful chapter. The chapter that describes what happened at Cory’s birth is an important chapter, so important I think you should begin the story with this. As the story is, Jess’s grieving seems out of proportion. If you began with this chapter, all of her feelings and why she thinks this is her fault make sense (altho why she thinks this is Luke’s fault is still a puzzle).
Chapter 24-26. Luke’s mom secret baby is a good plot twist. Helps break up some of the continual sadness in this story (and the amount of sadness is a problem for me. I read for enjoyment and this book is extremely well written, but also a grueling read because I have to stop reading to wipe away tears).
Chapter 27 +28. Jess and Luke go the camping cottage. Luke tries to find Sally. The chapter on finding Sally is a nice distraction from Jess constantly thinking about Cody. I’m having trouble downloading any more so will stop here for the day. Be back tomorrow.

Trusting Claude

I read chapter 1 to get a feel for the story then 38 – 45, then 62 & 63.

The first chapter is really powerful and shows us the lengths of despair this young lady has been too. Luke and Jess seem like the ideal couple from the outside looking in, but obviously there are cracks caused by Cody, Luke’s mum and so on. What you have is two down to earth loving characters in a small slice of life and being put through an emotional washing machine. They are likeable and compelling to most readers.

This work has the modern dilemma of home v hospital for childbirth but with the added dimensions of terminal illness, death of a previous child and the hunt for a sister is more than enough to make a very decent story line. It’s not original but the delivery makes sure that we don’t notice that. It’s well put together with obstacles and hiccups coming from all directions.

This reads very well, with a modern, smooth style with engrosses the reader fully into each chapter and pushes the story along effortlessly

Everything in this story will appeal to your target audience. Quite a few of the chapters will leave them with a tear in their eyes. I go back to the plot in that it’s not original but the delivery makes this book a must read, if marketed well.

The strongest points of this work is the delivery of the emotional rollercoaster these characters go through. It’s deftly handled, just the right amount at each point. Nothing is over-sold and that’s important because we want to be entertained, but we also want it to touch us, but not have us feeling ...nah that’s not right

Thoughts as I read

Chapter 1 – That’s a powerful start not many people find themselves thinking about suicide, but those that have, even for a second, will find that your words resonate deeply with them.

Chapter 38 – She’s feeling depressed – depressed is a feeling so instead if saying she’s feeling depressed you could tell us she’s a little depressed, slightly, etc. With cycles of chemo or any cancer treatment the depressed feeling we get grows a little each day and not just from the treatment itself but from the dread of the next cycle, the fear of what it does to us and the lack of enthusiasm to go through it again.

Chapter 39 – Nicely done, simple and clear delivery of the - none insurance issue. Didn’t notice any issues chapter reads nicely and the tension is already there for whether or not Luke wants to go through with a home birth.

Chapter 41 – Chapter reads well and I now get the feeling that Luke is more preoccupied finding this possible sister than his own un born child.

Chapter 42 – excitement at finding her is handled well, as is the obvious restraint from Barbara. Nothing sticks out, well written.

Chapter 44 – The tension in this chapter is clear, Jess wants to go one way, Luke another...This is quite common when there have been issues in an earlier pregnancy, and complications with a forceps delivery brings back memories, as my grand-daughter was a forceps delivery and its only now 5 months later we are learning snippits from the doctors on how wrong the whole delivery was going.

Chapter 45 - Again with the tension from the doctor’s visit but this time direct from Jess. Very well written

Chapter 62 – 63 – I skipped ahead and read the last two chapters – not something I usually do but they are equally as powerful and shows just how interlinked the characters are. 63 was extremely powerful and really got to me for personal reasons. Bother are v well written.

This is a really good read and I will now make it high on my list of must reads, I really do want to read the rest of the story and fill in the chapters in between.

Juli, I thought your first chapter in particular was beautifully written... Jessamy’s thoughts about suicide and flying. You also did a good job of not telling me what her problem was right away. Instead, you wove it in as backstory bit by bit. Loved this bit: Suicide is the word that pops into my mind, but I don’t say it. I’m trying not to think about it anymore, although the idea still lingers deep down inside me like a penny dropped into a dark well. It can’t be seen on the surface but that doesn’t mean it’s not there.

I liked the back and forth chapter structure between Luke and Jess although they sounded so similar, I sometimes had to stop and check whose POV I was in.

I think this would be a wonderful book for any expectant mother to read. Must confess, if you asked me what I thought about home-birth before I read this, I would have been solidly in Luke’s corner. I think you do a good job laying out the realities.

I liked the way you ended many chapters without telling me everything. It pulled me nicely on to the next. I thought you did a terrific job with the adoption story thread. You didn’t have it end too easily or too quickly. Good work!

I did, however, think the book ended rather abruptly. Is there a way you can perhaps pull in an echo from earlier... either the flying thoughts - which would now have changed in nature - or maybe the poem. Oh, and it hit me there’s another opportunity for an echo between Jess’s suicidal flying thoughts and the balloons at the memorial service.

For me, Jess’s realization she loves Luke seems to come abruptly, without a specific catalyst. You’ve made Luke extremely likeable, so I’m expecting Jess to discover she loves him...I just need to understand what prompts that knowing. Perhaps it could be a bit more dramatic.

I thought the design of the memorial service was beautiful. I can see people who read this book thinking about incorporating something like it into their lives. You’ve written a story that has conflict throughout and clear arcs for both of the main characters.. which is huge, because that’s why readers read. To find out how the characters will cope and how it changes them. Good work!

Ann - Counterpointe

I loved this read. The writing is smooth and flawless, the story is unusual and the dog is cute. What more could we ask for? ~Gail SECRETS WE KEEP

Trusting Claude
WFCG review
Overall: I’m in love with this story. I’ve read 15 chapters and suggested a full MS swap. I’m really flying through the chapters, it just flows so nicely and I love the back and forth. I also love how you are revealing a little bit about their lives in each chapter – it’s not all dumped in backstory. I took some chapter notes (below) but truthfully, not many. And after a while, I just got lost in the reading – that’s a good thing!!
SP, LP, Title, Cover: I think your pitches need some work. Truthfully, I wasn’t looking forward to reading about a telepathic dog. I know that sounds terrible, but I wasn’t sure how it could be pulled off without being a bit hokey. It does work. Sort of, but I mostly think the story would be stronger without the dog angle at all! The short pitch lacks punch and the long pitch tells like synopsis – no intrigue. Your cover doesn’t at all allude to the lovely writing in the book. Carrie McRae does gorgeous covers – perfect for women’s and literary fiction. I also, (sigh) don’t think your title does it justice. This sounds like a lot of bad things dumped in at once but truthfully, to my mind, everything else in the book works. Almost flawlessly. I really just loved it. Basically, I think you did a wonderful job writing the story and need help selling yourself!

Beginning – Yes. Every chapter hooked me but the beginning is so sad, and so touching. I think without a doubt – it’s a great start.

Style – The style is great. No comments here. It’s simple sentences but with some very pretty turns of phrase (the veil like angels wings) that enhance the melancholy feel of the book.

Characters – The characters are perfect, IMO. They are appealingly flawed, and you just keep seeing how they miss each other, not really connecting. My only crit here, is Luke needs to “sound” a bit more manly. See my Ch notes below. But mostly, it works. The sex scene from a man POV isn’t something you read often!

Dialogue – yes, the dialogue is done very well. You barely notice it and you do a nice job of capturing the way people who are angry at each other (or at themselves) will say one thing and think another.

Plot – Again, I feel like I’m repeating my crit a little bit – but I’m captivated by their marriage and the baby, what exactly happened to Cody. I know there’s more to come. I just feel like making Claude the focus of the story detracts somehow. I like how she “talks” to him, but to make it such a big part of the title and pitch, for me doesn’t work. He’s not a big part of the plot, and I wouldn’t want him to be.

Womens Issues – Marriage, babies, home birth vs hospital birth, all issues very near and dear to my heart. I think this tackles a lot of issues that many women would think about.

Technical Problems – truthfully, I noticed nothing. Really, this is polished and professional. At the risk of over-gushing, without the Claude angle, I could find no fault in the story at all.

Strong Points – I love the plot, I love the writing, I love the characterizations.

Needs More Work – Figure out what Claude adds to the story. I think you could keep in the Claude-Jess conversations, without making it out to be a major story angle. It’s not. And for me, again, I’m not sure I’d want it to be.

Chapter notes:
Ch1: No notes. This chapter was stunning, captivating and beautiful. Her housework intermingled with thoughts of suicide were powerful. Her blasé cover – the nursery, I don’t go in there anymore – was perfect for a woman disguising grief, or at least, not being honest with herself.
Ch2: I struggled with this chapter. I don’t think it sounds like a man. I know that’s a bit sexist, but it’s true. Woman say phrases like “taking care” men do not. For what it’s worth, I have a periodic male point of view and I’ve had it combed over by a few men on Autho and they’ve deemed it appropriately manly and authentic. It’s my chapter 7. Short sentences, snappy thoughts. I think his attempt at sex should be “more” somehow. Or at least his thoughts should be. Again, it is stereotypical, that’s true. But, I think it’s true.
Ch3: No notes. This chapter made me cry. I am a mom of two small children, and I find it very hard to read about this subject without tearing up. I’m hoping that reaction fades with time. It’s sort of embarrassing.
Ch4: Ok, I see we’re going to go back and forth here. That’s okay, I like that. This chapter seemed more manly than chapter 2. Simpler sentences, straightforward thoughts. Actions. Better.
Ch 5, 6, 7 – no notes
Ch 8:
I’m booked into the Epworth, Monday week? I didn’t get this sentence.
Ch9-15 – I really didn’t take any more chapter notes. I was very involved in the story, and how she comes up with the memorial idea and her fickle moods (which I understand!!!). I can’t wait to read the whole thing on my kindle.

Truthfully, Juli, I really think you have something special here, and as soon as you figure out how to present that, you'll fly up the charts, if that's what you want. I think the writing is lovely and polished and the story has drawn me in so completely. It's amazing, really because at this point, compared to some plot heavy books, not much has happened. They don't talk, they go to work, they go to a party, they do talk, Mum might have cancer again. I mean, it's not "on the edge of your seat" stuff. BUT, the way you write it makes me feel like I'm on the edge of my seat. I need to know: what happened to Cody? The revelations of their marriage and how they ended up getting married are done fairly late in the story, with hooks dropped in little comments here and there. Perfectly executed, I think.

Good luck with this, but as soon as you figure out how to market yourself, you won't need it
Kate M

This story is so moving and keep coming back

Brilliant. The more you read the more you want to read. Love it!

wow, this is explosive. I'm gripped

Hi Juli,
I found this a highly recommendable read, not only for the two MCs' alternating views, which give a balanced perspective about birth and death experienced in different ways by male and female, but also for the deep insights into the life of a grieving couple who are being given another chance at having a baby. This opens up new horizons for them to overcome their sadness. Claude, the dog, presents a welcome addition with his down-to-earth attitude.
Apart from being a well conceived story in plot and dialogue, your exposition of the Home vs Hospital debate comes across as faultless, and your personal experience adds a shiny touch of depth in order to give the reader a chance at finding out the REAL reality of giving birth.
I think, with a little additional packaging your book could attract interest from women of all backgrounds, be they lay or professional. Backed with pleasure.

Ame

Dogs especially are known for thier therapeutic advantages, which makes your story believable and enjoyable. Although not all the chapters (until chpater 7) were online when I read, I followed Luke more than Jessamy. In some instances and despite the label at the beginning of the chpater it was quite hard to keep focus on which character I was reading. After the opening few chapters, I read a few random ones and then the last. I was rather surprised by the ending. Your descriptions and dialogue lead the reader through the plot convincingly. I wish you well with this delightful story.

All the best
Bridget
The Road from Makhonjwa

I have read chapter 1 Jessamy. I have enjoyed what I read so far I wasn't expecting such a hook in the opening of your book. Its not my usual genre but I will definately read more. The character of Jessamy is also interesting you have shown her emotions early on I am intrigued to see how things evolve. Good luck with this. Nice sprinkling of stars for your book. On my watchlist.

Well I did read trusting Claude and really loved it! I was drawn into the suicide thoughts and thought wow, someone who thinka baout this must be really deep.
So here I am backing it and star rating it!
Josphine
Notime goes bye

Hi Julianne, I came across your book on someone else's page and thought I'd give it a look. The short pitch drew me in, especially as I have relatives who were in the same situation. The first chapter is very dark and the MC, Jess, seems like a woman struggling to hold it all together. The details you go into about her domestic chores shows a woman hiding behind domesticity in order not to have to face reality. The only comment I would make is that if I hadn't read your pitch I wouldn't know why she was so sad and angry. Could you maybe hint at it a bit earlier on. It's clear that Simon loves her but is struggling to get through to her and understand why she is so angry. The characters are well drawn and three dimensional and the pace is good. The story moves along well. I really enjoyed it and would absolutely buy this if I saw it on a bookshelf so I've watchlisted it so I can keep an eye on it. Highly rated and I will come back and read more soon. I'm really interested to see how the story develops. Well done!

If you have a chance to have a look at my book and comment/rate/shelf I'd be very grateful. It's very lighthearted and will hopefully make you smile!

Best wishes
Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

After you left your comment on my story, I couldn’t help but take a look at yours when you mentioned they had a similar thread, in regards to adoption. How could I not, take peep?

I’m shocking with working with pitches and such, so I don’t have a great deal to offer there, but notice Jessamy and Jo as names…and found myself double checking who the mother and daughter-in-law were…so my suggestion there would be, unless there is a really, really good reason to have names that start with the same letter, change one, which will help your readers stay focused on the narrative, not trying to clarify in there minds who they are reading about, especially in a pitch.

I’ve thought about suicide a lot lately. ------ I love your opening line – oh, then you first paragraph does a good job of wanting me to read on. Well done, when so many stories don’t manage to have a hook, so close to the opening.

The hospital where I work is undergoing renovations COMMA and the eleventh floor is closed while the work is in progress.----need a comma before the ‘and’

There doesn’t seem to be a clear reason why she went up to that floor…I understand and like the thought that she wants to jump, fly, but that seems to come after she gets there, and I wondered if there isn’t something that needs to connect the two from the paragraph before. Was that the first time she thought of it? What was it that drew her to that floor in particular and not another?

This is my life, housework before work, or if I work a morning shift, housework after work. -----mmmm, don’t we all LOL

I press the washer’s fabric button until it lights up ‘cottons’ COMMA and the green digital numerals display above the start button. .----need a comma before the ‘and’

‘You take too long.’ ----- if this is Claude, unless he does speak, you might need to italic it or point out that’s what she hears him say, although no words come or something.

He scratches himself behind his left ear and then moves out of my way, letting me pass as I head into the kitchen. ---- you don’t need both ‘and’ and ‘then’ together….one or the other will normally suffice…’and’ at the same time or ‘then’ after the previous action.

How can you not love Claude.

My overall thoughts of your first chapter is that it managed to keep me entertained, but I did think by the end, so that I would have liked to have had a clear picture of what was troubling you main character, a hint more of why she might be feeling so devastated and it might add balance, to what some might come across as negative and self-serving.- when the overall narrative does contain a bit of humour.

I try and get back to read more shortly.

I am finally feeling better so here is the review I promised you.

First person present tense is not an easy pov to write in at all, but you have done a wonderful job of using it to pull me into the story. I can easily understand how both of your main characters are thinking and feeling.

I like the opening. The way you describe Jessamy's inner struggle with suicide is heartbreaking, but it draws a person in. It keeps them reading because they want to know why she is so emotionally distraught.

Jessamy's husband is a very sensitive caring man. It is obvious that he loves his wife deeply. You did a good job of "Show not tell" when you wrote about him gazing at her while she slept and how he tucked the blanket back around her when he got out of bed.

Jessamy seems to be a very troubled individual. I like how you describe her fantasies about siucide. It gives us more detail about who she is when you talk about each possible way to die; the fact that she wouldn't want to make a mess tells a lot about who she is. Her routine also tells us a lot about her. I really like the name Jessamy, by the way.

Your style and flow are smooth. I found it easy to read and understand. It moves along at just the right pace. You don't give away too much info too soon. I had enough info to clearly understand all that was happening.

You have some wonderful dialogue, especially in chapter 3. I really like the dialogue between Jessamy and Claude.

seduced? (ch 1, pg 3) you might consider using a different word. I tried to think of something that might help you, but my brain wasn't functioning on all cylinders.

(Ch 1, pg 5 & 6) I really like the imagery here, but you might consider tightening up the sentences some.

The jump in topic from making the bed to thinking about taking sleeping pills is too abrupt. You need some sort of transition. It happens again a few paragraphs down. It was a little hard to follow. I guess I just got momentarily confused.

What is cuppa? (Ch 2)

"Lisa agrees with me, it sounds ominous." This needs a semi-colon instead of a comma. You have two independent clauses here. (ch 3)

This is as far as I've read right now. I wil follow up later. You have done a good job. It's just needs some editing for grammar. I'm sure we all need that though. No one is perfect. It's always easier to see someone else's mistakes because your looking at it with fresh eyes.

I hope this helps you.

Tina Burton
Tears in Heaven

After reading the first couple chapters, the very first thing that I said to my friend was, "I am sure glad that I am not depressed, Because all I got out of this book was several suggestions on how to kill myself......I'm praying that this book is truly fictional and not based on real events. If so Much prayer is needed. This book has a way of pushing a peson near to the edge, over and across the thresh line. It's well formatted though.

You write in a very readable style and did a great job with the beagle scene. Loved that bit.

Not sure about your opening, though. Suicide is a dark subject matter to open with. I’d like to see this story maybe open with a scene between Jess and Simon, *showing* us her anger with him, rather than telling us about it. It would be so much more effective for drawing the reader into the story.

Consider moving your opening and making it part of the bit where Jess is making the making the bed and thinking about ways of topping herself. Put it all together.

Welcome to Authonomy. All the best here.

Read through chapter 3 and loved it. I am sitting here with a beagle, the one in my avi, sleeping beside me. This is the most meaningful read I've had this week on Autho. Thanks for sharing it. I didn't find any typos or obvious mistakes. I love present tense, (which is also how I wrote my story). I love how it makes you feel like you're living the story minute by minute as it's happening. Highly starred and backed!
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Hi Aimee,

I look forward to hearing from you when you get the time.

Thanks,

Juli (Trusting Claude)

I'm very interested in the subject matter of your book. I'm one of those people who like a book that allows a good cry. I am really focused on writing right now, but I'm going to slowly read some of your story and will let you know what I think.

Thanks David,
I'd appreciate any critque on my work, from a writer of your calibre. I love positive feedback, but thrive and learn from negative, so go for it.
Juli (Trusting Claude).

Hi Julianne

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron