Soulfire

Hi Paul,

You have a most lyrical command with words. Here's where I disagree with Emily's comment - I enjoy imagery, the 'lashing tornado' stirred the painter's portion of my mind and brought to the fore images of a whirling tornado whipping out sideways before it touches ground. I think if you had just said 'tornado' it wouldn't have struck me.
Every reader will take something different from your story, for me, I would buy this book, sit in a cafe somewhere with a giant sized latte and enjoy the ride.
Congratulations.

Caroline

Paul,
Finally had a chance to take a look at this. I like your style and the story.

Some things that bothered me. (Only my opinions, so take as you will. ;-) )

"..lashing tornado" hit me as a little off. Lashing could be dropped without losing anything.

"Countless moments..."

"Tears had not been shed...countless years." (I think this whole sentence is unneeded.)

Slightly confused about who the Whirling Dervishes were - are they the guards or the shadow? The next paragraph does clear it up, but there is initial confusion. Maybe introduce them as such earlier in the story. ;-)

That's all I have for the first Chapter.

This is something I would definitely buy & read all the way through on my own time.
Best of luck with it! I plan on reading more when I have a chance.

Hi Paul I just thought I'd say thanks so much for backing my book The Angel Chord and continuing to support it -it means a lot to me and I really appreciate it.

It's been sitting on 15 bookshelves for about 3 weeks now and I cant seem to get over that number - for every backer I get I lose one (avg 1 gained and lost per day) yet many race right up the charts. Not sure what Im doing wrong, but I appreciate your support. If you have any tips please let me know and if you know of anyone on here you think may like it please nudge them in its direction.
all the best
Derek

Thank you all for making my book better. Pruning complete Derek. I agree with what you said and removed at least one reference to those rocks.

I think I gave them enough cameos to turn them into a character.

My next book will be 140,000 words written entirely from the POV of those blasted stones.

Paul.

Hi Paul
Right from the off - one word came to my mind reading this - Epic. This felt like big-scale adventure and the opening chapter was in my mind very cinematic - definately movie potential with this one. I enjoyed the descriptive writing - it's high-quality but I think you should prune some of it - e.g. description of the stone markers / monoliths - I felt you went back to them repeatedly with a new description each time and this (while excellently written) just detracts from the pace of the story. Overall a well manicured MS with little or no grammatical probs (I'm usually pretty discerning) - excellent work. 6 stars and on my watchlist for more.
Derek
The Angel Chord

Paul,

Your story is excellent. Having only read the first chapter I am impressed by your writing. Your narrative is quite powerful, your descriptions quite intense, your choice of words is very fitting to the scenes being described.

I slightly slow opening, but the story builds as the chapter progresses. You left the first chapter at the perfect point, a great hook to keep the reader wanting more. A little more at the start of the chapter might be a good idea though.

There was one sentence that I did not like. "Curved swords named scimitars swung at their hips." The use of the word "named" seems inappropriate. How about "Curved swords called scimitars swung at their hips." or "Curved swords known as scimitars swung at their hips."

Best regards
Warrick

Would love advice on how much of the book to upload. I've seen it range from a single chapter to a good portion of a book. Would it be fair to say most people just scan a page or two, so one or two chapters is more than enough?

Any feedback is welcome.

This is not aimed at Y/A? Why not? This is precisely the kind of thing I enjoyed in my late teens. Please keep up with this, Paul - this is like

Thank you for the advice. Nice to see you again.

Maybe it is appropriate for YA but I didn't pitch it there. Late teens perhaps, I just can't see it being accepted by early to mid teens. Of course if you suggest it is YA as well, perhaps I should add that tag.

Paul.

This is not aimed at Y/A? Why not? This is precisely the kind of thing I enjoyed in my late teens. Please keep up with this, Paul - this is like 'The Thief of Baghdad' (the 1961 version, with Steve Reeves, my fave film of all time) but with a fantasy edge. I LOVED the 13 Palian warriors defending their emperor against the ninja-llke Whirling Dervishes of Palia. But with four dead, and no hint of how the others might survive and conquer, how will Ratoul retain his throne?

An exciting, well-edited fantasy romp that gets 6 stars from me, and I'll be back for more!

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

Hello Paul,
I read the prologue of your book because I like fantasy. It gets off to a good start, the description of desert, and also with the hint of alien mystery in the monolithic rocks and the dark void. Good idea, the descent into the dark stair, the ancient runes and symbols, then the scene in the chamber. You use good imagery and I have a very good visual idea of the desert, the Dervishes, the dark chamber. But it seems to me it’s all too long. I think you should tighten it up, which means losing some of the description and lightening the sentences. For example:

Thank you so much for the constructive feedback! You are right about 'incomparable' so I made the change. Please bill me for your editing fee! ;)

I appreciate the rest of the input. Now I must wrestle with the thought of butchering my baby. I will decide if I will still sleep easily at night and hope for further feedback on these matters.

You are right that it is not aimed at YA, so I hope to gain feedback from the community to guide me.

Thank you once again. I really appreciate your time and advice.

Paul.

Hello Paul,
I read the prologue of your book because I like fantasy. It gets off to a good start, the description of desert, and also with the hint of alien mystery in the monolithic rocks and the dark void. Good idea, the descent into the dark stair, the ancient runes and symbols, then the scene in the chamber. You use good imagery and I have a very good visual idea of the desert, the Dervishes, the dark chamber. But it seems to me it’s all too long. I think you should tighten it up, which means losing some of the description and lightening the sentences. For example:

‘Many years ago they had been exiled… for a crime of unspeakable shame.’ You just need ‘for an unspeakable crime.’
End of third paragraph you just need: ‘remnants of ages and civilisations long gone/dead/past.’
I’d cut down on the description of the head gear since you give a rough idea at the very beginning.
‘Curved swords named scimitars swung at their hips’ Curved scimitars swung at their hips is enough.
‘With comparable ease..’ should that be incomparable?

One of my favourite lines next:
‘The pitch flared when lit…feeding hungrily off air rich with memories of a forgotten age.’
I also liked the image of the stirred dust fixing into the runes carved into the wall.

‘The torch in his hand slumped lower…as if it may burn away…’ as if to burn away, or as if it could burn away would be better

The demon starts out attacking as fast as lightening then slows incredibly to let quite a lot of Tarnil’s thoughts and reactions get written. The action should continue, he can discuss what the thing is once he’s killed it. Then the bodyguards watch while it transforms into something horrible and possibly invincible (I’m not into part two yet). It’s too slow. If it was film it would have all been over before that first exchange between Tarnil and the other Dervish had finished.

‘The demon had not yet faced his unrepentant fury.’ unrepentant is unecessary.
The fighting scene is also too long, too descriptive, too much detail of how Tarnil’s sword was made. Then it stops again while you describe Ratoul’s sword and all its history.

I’m afraid I didn’t read all the fight scene, it went on too long. A fantasy writer I very much admire for his economy of words when describing similar scenes is David Gemmel. I think you have to keep your description as short as the fighting is rapid. The twist at the end with the sultan being killed instead of his guard wasn’t as powerful as it should have been because the reader didn’t have any particular affection for either of them.
You write well, but I think you have to be prepared to prune quite a lot to hold the attention of the reader. I know, it’s tough, I hate it too. But I’ve ended up taking out great chunks of prose that I really loved, because it held up the action. Save it. You might be able to slip it in in small doses later on!
These are just my opinions of course, and I write for YA so it’s a bit more restricting. Also I’m female and a republican, and fighting and monarchs don’t grab me as much as they do some people.
Keep at it, it will be worth it in the end. I’ve starred Soulfire highly and put it on my watchlist.
Jane

Wormholes
The Dark Citadel

Hi Dave,

Very impressive writing here. You certainly have powerful descriptive skills -the way you described the men moving through the desert was very evocative, rich in imagery and sensory detail. You also have the confidence to build image upon image and also use shorter sentences to ramp up tension. Your dialogue was also strong -although I would look at this a little more to ensure it sounds natural and not 'telling' the story. I guess the only thing I would consider is to slim down the description a little to speed up the action in parts. I loved the opening vista of the desert but at times I felt the detail or description could be more economic, leaving some space for the reader's own images. However, this is a very minor thing to consider in what is very accomplished writing.

Highly starred and recommended -happy to read on.

Kaal Kaczmarek
Cousin Felicity and the Eels of Misty Point

Thank you kindly Kaal. I really appreciate you taking the time to read a sample and give feedback. I'll take your comments on board for sure. It's nice to get the opinion of someone objective, who I'm not connected to in some way.

Kind regards,
Paul.

Hi Dave,

Very impressive writing here. You certainly have powerful descriptive skills -the way you described the men moving through the desert was very evocative, rich in imagery and sensory detail. You also have the confidence to build image upon image and also use shorter sentences to ramp up tension. Your dialogue was also strong -although I would look at this a little more to ensure it sounds natural and not 'telling' the story. I guess the only thing I would consider is to slim down the description a little to speed up the action in parts. I loved the opening vista of the desert but at times I felt the detail or description could be more economic, leaving some space for the reader's own images. However, this is a very minor thing to consider in what is very accomplished writing.

Highly starred and recommended -happy to read on.

Kaal Kaczmarek
Cousin Felicity and the Eels of Misty Point

Prologue, Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 now uploaded. Thank you for the early support! I'm not sure how much of the book I should upload in its unpublished state. Any feedback along those lines would be greatly appreciated.

Building into what it says on the tin, en epic fantasy tale.