☾ A Night in Shining Armor ☽

Greetings!! I have read to the end of Chapter 4.

You have a really good start on this story. There are a lot of elements to like, a faced-beat plot, an interesting cast of characters, and a rather large world to be explored. There were a few grammar and spelling errors, but nothing that made me pause for a few moments as I puzzled out what I thought you meant. (I think reading out loud and recording it and playing it back would help you pick up on these errors.)

The first chapter is really busy; I would consider splitting it up into two chapters... scene one.. everything but the big dragon... scene two, the battle with the big dragon and the arrest. I think it would help give a bit of breathing space from just how busy it is.

The only thing I can suggest beyond that is to not feel like you have to rush out and explain everything right away. Show us the world bit by bit rather than the car-ride information dump. That was the only real 'issue' I saw in terms of plot presentation.

For the most part, your descriptions are pretty good, although there were a few times where the action felt a little bogged down by so many descriptions and such long paragraphs. You have a really vivid imagination and it shows in your writing.

Good luck with this story, and I hope my comments are of some use to you!

I can't believe you are only in high school. Although a YA genre, which is not my usual choice, it is filled with such immense imagery, and obviously great attention has been paid to your character development and dialogue. It flows as if written by someone well beyond your years. A fun and most entertaining read.

Great work, high stars from me,
Linda
Threads of Time

Like the narrative and how unique you are in describing each "creature" with its own distinction. I think it really shows attention to detail. I have only read the first chapter, but i liked how you wrote this in the first person and how you can break down a single second of time into deep, intimate detail.
I also like how you change the crowds reaction, from awe consumed, into a cop having a gun cocked.

Jon (The Hidden Truth)

Hi Nicholette,

Returning your read. I've only gotten through the first chapter (I can get to a couple more later on, if you like) and I took notes as I read. To be honest, your writing reminds me a lot of mine when I was your age. I'm not sure if you'll take that as a compliment, though.

In the first few paragraphs, I feel it lacks direction -- your MC's voice is fresh, young, and believable, but it could do with some 'tightening' if you know what I mean. God, it's hard for me to explain what I mean without trying to re-write it. It has a sort of 'rambling' feel. Ehhh, whatever, I'm horrible at explaining myself sometimes. Also, the word 'untimely' feels strange. When I think of untimely, I think of stuff like 'an untimely death'. It just read strangely to me for some reason -- if nobody else who's reviewed this has a problem with it, I'd just ignore it.

The sentence "....end you up in your grave" reads awkwardly to me. I get you're trying to express that she's got quite a temper, but I think there is a better way you could get that point across. That last sentence in the second paragraph, I think you could eliminate the 'but'. Makes it more jarring.

I found myself wondering if she was wearing shoes. You mentioned her socks...just wondered if she was doing all this barefoot.

The monsters moldy 'stank' breath sounds odd -- I think 'stink' would sound smoother.

The sentence "...colored a puke green...' I think you could do with eliminating 'colored'. If you say it's puke green, then we know that's the color of it.

Waving an arm doesn't seem like the right fit -- she subsequently lopped off a monster dog's head, right? I think it would be more of a quick slashing arm movement.

People were running around her in all directions -- that's good, but the left and right part tacked on the end was unnecessary. If you want to make it seem like they're running around her, I'd think it would be better like (and I'm pulling this out of my ass right now, so it's probably no good) streaming on either side of me, like I was Moses parting the red Sea. (Though that is TERRIBLE don't use that sentence, just trying to make a point)

I was a little confused at the 'darks of the eyes' portion. Did you mean pupils, perhaps?

Chameleon faced also threw me -- you mean the face looked faintly lizard-like? Because when I think of chameleon I think of something that blends in...wasn't sure what to imagine, there.

When you say your MC was tossing her head around, it sounds like she's juggling her head. Which I am pretty sure she is not. I think you could find a word that would resonate more than 'tossing'. Maybe 'whipping'.

I wondered briefly is "Flakreka" was a name, or a made up curse word.

LOVED the part where you said the floor was a mosaic.

Last line confused me, some. Is someone else going to be narrating the second chapter, since you said "I guess they can".

Annnyway, those are my worthless thoughts on strictly the first chapter -- I can read the second later, if you want me to, but I know I can be pretty annoying, pointing out flaws and what not. Just let me know.

Melissa

I'm going to put more time into reading and critiquing this later, but right off the bat I have to say I *love* your opening and narration. Your protagonist has a very distinct, snappy voice that immediately pulls me in. I can't wait to read more.

Damn, website ate my comment.... I'll try again!

This is fun, the narrative voice is lively and believable. I also like the vivid descriptions, e.g. the theme park. It has bags of character and is exciting. I think it could do really well with a young adult fantasy crowd.

You know there are typos and you are working on 'em, so I'll leave it at that... but best of luck, it's an enjoyable read.

GG x

I read through your first chapter, it was a fun read and I was pleased glad to see another fantasy title on this site that "doesn't take itself too seriously." Very irreverent. I was strongly reminded of the video game "Brutal Legend," which features Jack Black as an electric-guitar-wielding retired groupie fighting off hordes of demons in Hell with the power of ROCK! I can see this being popular with the teenage market.

My only real criticism: it's an action-packed scene, so your paragraphs need to be shorter. There's some word repetition: "monsters" appears too many times. Try looking up synonymns. There are some obvious grammatical and spelling errors, which I've poitned out below. These shouldn't be too hard to fix. If you want your work to stand out, it should be as polished as possible. The hook at the beginning is excellent, though.

A few suggestions:

"hoard of monsters" - should be "horde", not "hoard".

"moldy stank" - "mouldy stink"

"focused in" - "focused on"

"A sauna's worth of sweat", "Vomet Comet" - love it!

"stone hard skin" - needs a hyphen, "stone-hard"

"chameleon faced monster" - "chameleon-faced" (again, a hyphen needed.) Also, the word "monster" is cropping up an awful lot. Check a thesaurus. Alternatives are; fiend, ogre, beastie, leviathan...

"monsters to machinery" - again, the word "monsters." How many times now?

***

Rated 5 stars. Hope you enjoy "Tamria"!

James

Hi, Nicolette!
I only read the first chapter, but de sure I read the rest. Excellent book. Well done.. How can you be so vividly describe monsters? Super imagination!

Tabu

♡ you and your work Wolfie! You know I"m always behind you, right? :)

This story is such fun. You waste no time getting into the action. You write with an amusing voice that carries the story well. I like your idea of opening with a strange situation and then explaning it as you go along.

Great job. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

I’m far from an expert on this genre, but I love anything written in the first-person perspective. The way you write has a kind of interactive feel to it – especially the opening paragraphs.

My favourite line without a doubt: ‘A scream like nails in a blender.’ I thought that was excellent.

This is not the type of thing I would usually read, but when something is written to a high standard, you just have to appreciate it. I can see this being very appealing to young adults – it’s funny at times (loved chubby little mug), has enough action and has its fair share of vivid monsters. You write action scenes particularly well. You are very descriptive but don’t over-do it. That’s something very difficult to get right.

The chapter’s twist-like ending was impressive. I didn’t see it coming. And the fact that the heroine has a lot of explaining to do is a perfect way to get the reader to turn to the next page to find out how she handles it.

I will give this five stars. It was quite enjoyable, and I think it will do very well with your target audience.

An amusing, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

I sort of comment as I read, so some things I write may seem unorthodox or just plain out of place. Here goes!....Beginning is very original and quirky. I love it. Such imagination and vivid scenery! You write out your action very well. It is all easy to imagine. Nice comparison to a basketball...I literally put my hands up and tried to visualize the size of this monsters iris! Okay, done reading now, and I am floored. It was so much fun. You tell your story so well and with such spunk! I couldn't find any mistakes, probably because I read through it so fast to find out what would happen next. I'm certainly backing this. You have an amazing talent for writing. I could use your super creative talent, if you would be so obliged, to take a peak at my own fantasy story "Wings???" I cant wait to read the rest!!!
Kerrin Krainis (Alaska)

Hi Nicolette,
I've read through the first five chapters. I thought the first introductory scene was a bit forced - perhaps you were trying too hard to make that initial impact. However the rest of the writing settled down in my view. Also you could perhaps break up some of the descriptive passages and intersperse the descriptive stuff with some dialog and reflective narrative. I really like how you keep the story going from twist to turn which keeps the reader interested and stimulated. And I like the storyline that is folding out. This feels like one of those reads that will draw you in right throughout the book - I like it and I'm going to put it on my bookshelf.
Rgds
Rob

I read through twice the first four chapters. I like your creativity and your use of first person to allow the reader to get inside and feel what the character feels. Dialogue is good and your palette of imagery quite diverse. Yes some editing is in order with a few typos's and some wording but as a whole the story is a great one. Maybe change stank to "stench" and bring some more naturalistic smells and textures to trigger greater reader memory. Watch your use of point of view when switching around character dynamics. This is highly rated though and as I explore the world you created I'll offer more review. Great job.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

Hi Nicolette!

Absolutely fantastic! Your first paragraph grabbed my attention and pulled me into the story relentlessly. I couldn't escape! As far as young adult fiction goes, this is superb! I'm 28, but I read young adult fiction, along with high fantasy and adult supernatural. The only suggestion that I can think to make is that at the very beginning, you never let your readers know when "now" is. True, first person speaks in the past tense ninty nine times out of one hundred, but the reader usually knows that the speaker is telling events as they happen. I'd probably put a "Now..." somewhere in the second or third paragraph. I had a nice spot picked out, but I'm stuck on chapter 2 right now and can't turn back. xD

Great Job! Many Stars and Shelved. ^_^
-Tamara

Hi Nicholette,
Stopping by as promised. I read Chapter 1 and you provide great imagery through a very entertaining voice/character voice. You write the action scenes well. I did not stop to nitpick on small issues such as "ready to shot" vs. "ready to shoot," because other readers have already pointed these out.

Highly starred.
Dean
P.S. -- you were the first, or one of the first, to welcome me when I joined authonomy. It's about time I got my butt here to give you a review. Good luck.

Hey Nicolette,
You're really good with imagery. I only read the first chapter, but I can definitely see you translating these monsters from your mind directly onto paper. That's a great talent to have. Very descriptive, very believable. If you get time, please check out Caveat Viator (my booky wook) :)

Hi Nicolette,

Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to your book. But I’m glad I did. So you are a high school student, is that right? You don’t write like any high school student I know. Your story is creative, visual, interactive and quite superior to a lot of the young adult literature that is being published today

Incidentally, my niece just finished reading the Outsiders, which was written, and I think published, when the author was in high school. You are never too young - especially with someone as talented as you.

I have read a lot of fantasy type sword fights on this site and when I started to read your book I thought, Oh no, not another one! But I thought you pulled it off very well. Perhaps it was the conversational thoughts of Raven or the wonderful use of literary devices or that the fight didn’t last too long, but I kept reading and found that the story was very redeeming and became very engaging.

Your descriptions are full of color and imagery and I really liked the tone of voice throughout - very consistent and teenage-like. It speaks well to your audience. I wish you the very best with this. Highly starred!

Dianna Lanser
http://www.authonomy.com/books/37204/nothing-but-the-blood/

One little mistake in chapter one:

“…gun cocked and ready to shot, (shoot)…”

Unbelievable--I absolutely LOVE this. You have the action right at first that pulled me in immediately. I like the colorful cat toe socks. Modernized fantasy novel with a flare. The combination of modern teen life thrown into the middle of a giant fantasy world, which only those who are writers know about. I wanted to jump in and join the sword fight. It was like I was watching all of the action in the first chapter on a giant movie theatre screen--by the way, what a great movie this would make. You have me HOOKED!! Best of wishes to you and I have a feeling this is going to fly up the list like wildfire. OUTSTANDING!!!

~Bethanie

I read the first three chapter and I thought this works really well. I wasn't sure at first but realised that that is because I am an oldie. This is written absolutely for the target audience, fantasy and modern teen life. I liked the talking to the audience and found the first scene created a very vivid picture in my mind and I think it was a good idea to have a bit of explanation in chapter 3, having kept us guessing until then. Loved some of the phrases like a 'Sauna's worth of sweat' and 'Arresting Mickey Mouse'. One typo I noticed. I think you need a moldy stink from the monster not a moldy stank.
Nice one!

hi and WOW! i wouldn't like to meet you in the arena...or maybe i would as a tag team. love the first chapter. i know how hard it is to imagine and choreographically describe a sword fight. i have tried it in my book(s). well done...will continue in time
Pat

Good unorthodox start that captures well. I'm not going to finish reading the book, because it's not my cup of tea. But I would buy it for a lot of friends. You are a talent, who with the right marketing to your target group will succeed.

Nicholette,

So here is the read I promised (some weeks back on a forum thread/message!) :)

I like the humorous tone you set from the start, the pace is fast and we start in the middle of the action (without jumping back in time in the next chapter!) Nice.

Personally I don't like the 'talking to the reader' section at the beginning, but I think that is a personal choice as many good writers use that technique.

What it highlights though, is the detached viewpoint you write in. We seem to be stuck somewhere between 1st person POV and a narrator. For example (and I think others have mentioned some of these) Raven just doesn't seem shaken enough given the fact she has no idea why this is happening. Perhaps she has an innate bravery and she gets things done before she stops to think but then I would like to see that when she is in the cop car and everything has slowed down. Another example is where she sees Arrow with pointy ears but then you say she doesn't notice them because she captured by his eyes. Either we are inside her head and therefore just see his eyes, with her; or we are sitting on a perch overlooking the action.

For me it was a problem because I found I was having trouble connecting with the charater.

There were a few places where you over-describe. For example: '...as the creature swung its tail around counterclockwise in my direction'. the counterclockwise is redundant, as a reader we just need to know the tail is coming right at us. This is something to look for throughout. My first draft is riddled with over-description because I needed to write everything I saw. You need to cut some of that out in later edits (I still have a couple in my latest edit which someone has very kindly pointed out of me on AUthonomy!) Sometimes we can be too close, 'can't see the wood for the trees' as they say.

Other examples briefly: 'does it matter the Wal-mart bag was 'floating around the floor', is the passenger seat not, by definition, next to the driver seat?

If the policeman doesn't believe she has amnesia why is he so quick to tell her where they are ad where they are going? SUrely he would roll his eyes at least? Use a patient tone...something alone those lines.
And later she is very quick to dismiss Arrow and say 'I don't think I know you' but she knows she doesn't remember very much and they seem to know her so surely she would not be so abrupt with him.

You have a good premise and the beginnings of a good character, you just need to edit out your excitement now. When first writing the story I find I write it in such a way that if it was a film my characters would appear to be ham-acting. It's the excitement of the action and getting the story on the page. Then I have to go back and do a reality check - yes I am a fantasy writer - but in order for other people to want to read they need to believe the character within the confines of the world you create.

I hope that helps anyway. I thought it was majorly action packed and enjoyable anyway. I'm impressed at how well written it is for a 1st draft.

Danielle

Nice work...Great vision, different...And your still in high school...WOW!!

Nicholette, I'm here for our reading swap. I've read through chapter five. This is an interesting premise. I've never come across half-elven half-mythical creatures before, so to me that is a new concept. I'm not sure if you've explained properly the doorway between the two worlds and why these half-elvens would want to live in the human world in the first place. Is it mostly the dark creatures that choose to cross between the worlds, since they are maybe somewhat persecuted in their own world? I think that could be explained a little sooner. That being said, I'm afraid Arrow's explanation of the war and the division between the dark and light creatures dragged a little for me, and I wanted that to be a little more succinct. Maybe if you let the twins give portions of the explanation, it would break up Arrow's monologue.

The beginning chapter didn't work well for me. I think the first two paragraphs should be cut. The first sentence is the most important. You need it to hook the reader instantly, and yours didn't do that. I'm not a big fan of addressing the reader as 'you'. Usually it pulls me out of the story, and you've done that before I've even been pulled into the story. I also wasn't convinced that Raven didn't know who she was or how she had gotten there. She really didn't exude confusion as she's battling the monsters. If I woke up in the middle of that kind of scene with a sword in my hand, and started shouting strange words and wielding the sword like an expert, I'd be a little more freaked out than Raven is. I'd be sweating (regardless of the cold), my heart would be racing, I'd be in a general state of panic about what was happening. Same when she gets put in the police cruiser, then rescued by Arrow and the twins.

In general there is a lot of telling rather than showing, and especially in the first chapter you switch tense a lot. Stick to past or present tense, and show rather than tell. Don't say 'snow was falling', say 'snowflakes drifted through the air, dusting the ground and the shattered remains of the amusement park.'

Make sure the action makes sense. Would Raven really turn her back on a hoard of monsters after cutting the head off the first one?

I guess that is all I have for now. I hope this is helpful.

Kate

An intriguing start. Right away you hit the readers with suspense. I like that. I like the fact that you went straight into the action instead of lingering on backstory. Nicely done. I like the fast pace - it doesn't slack. You have created a likeable character in Raven.

I've only read the first two chapters, but it's off to a good start. It's written well though I did notice a few punctuation errors, but nothing too major.

It definitely has a lot of promise.

Alecia :)

Hi.
A fast paced, well wriiten and edited story, packed with mythical, fairytale creatures.
Definitely a winner for the young adult market. They can't get enough of this kind of book, perfect timing!
It seems pretty well polished already.
I wish you all the luck, best wshes,
Pollyanna, 'Marsupeople'.

Hi Nicholette,

Thanks for stopping by to say hello!

I have been reading over your book info and read the first few chapters already - I LOVE IT! You go girl, this is great!

I backed and gave you a good rating!

If you have a chance I'd love for you to take a look at my book as well :-)

Thanks!
RJ Stanley
Why Didn't Someone Tell Me? The Truth About Love

YARGLEFLARGLE!

HA! Choke. Cough.

That's amazing, Nicholette. My friend Karen told me this was good, but I never imagined. It's quirky, detailed, and Raven's attitude cracks me up. From what my limited 00:20 AM intelligence can register, she has a brilliant "Yeah... so?" attitdue coupled with a sword. That first scene with her fight with the monsters I've read twice just because I think it was great. The creatures you've come up with as well are great. It won't let me scroll back up for some reason but that one with the green smokey breathe, which lost its head within seconds was, i thought, pretty darn cool.

There we a few spellings mistakes here and there. A hell of a lot of commans, I feel in the first paragraphs, but I don't really know enough about it myself to comment. Besides it's a first-person point-of-view, which means narration wouldn't ever been completely perfect. It shouldn't, the human mind doesn't worj thatw ay. Makes it all the more believeable. <-- That spelled right? I don't even know.

Anyway. It's a good start, Nicholette. When it isn't taking a bowl of cereal and DVD's of Supernatural to keep me awake I will carry on reading. =) Well done.

Very Good, The first chapter is amazing it really got me hooked and has everything that I, myself really enjoy in a book. Really good first chapter.

Badbadclown
"The Ballard Of Darkness And Blood."

I've only read the first chapter so far but I can tell you, you got me hooked with starting out with the character not remembering anything. It leaves a lot of questions for a curious person like me wonder and want to find out. I look forward to reading more.

Quickwriter

Interesting ideas. Good endings to the chapters, they keep the reader's attention. Dialogue tags are smooth and you don't seem to have any issues with the descriptions. Your voice has an interesting twist for this type of book, but it still is interesting, it feels straight-forward (nice, but be careful so you don't overrule the story). You seem to have a good grasp and start for this novel. The only thing I see is watch your adverbs. You don't have too many, but it is still something to look at, because I think if you took a few of the normal ones (quickly as an example) out it would really help the flow here. I will do my best to take another look shortly, but good job so far.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Hi Nicholette!

I've read your book. I really like your ideas, though I enjoyed the story in the first five chapters most. I loved the first chapter - intense beginning. I like the story of the Great Jeweled Dragon and the Havenears. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the pacing and the dialogue, I'll have to revisit it a bit later. Do you have more chapters you can post?

Kestrellian

Had a few minutes and read chapter one, very interesting and I'll be back for more! xx

Okay, N. you asked us to pick it apart and so I'm going to do a little of that for you but not before I tell you that I like the spunk of your main character and the unique voice that you tell your story with. Also, the action is great and the pace is fast so it is definitely not a boring read. You surely want to do some editing on this work of yours though if you want people to take it more seriously. Some of the sentences that need it are as follows:
1. There was about twenty of them, most of which appeared to be no older than I was, a middle school school group maybe.
You need to make sure your verbs agree in number with your subjects. Also, it's best to avoid identical words in close proximity if you can; e.g: school school. Should be:
1a. There were about twenty of them and many appeared to be about my same age; perhaps they were middle school students.
2. The fangs were almost as tall as me standing up.
Question:Does your height change if you lay down? Should be:
2a. Its fangs were almost as long as I am tall.
3. It rushed at me, all eight of its legs pushing it forward with snout down, planning, I assume, to ram into me.
This sentence is awkward. It wants to read:
3a. With its eight legs propelling it forward, it rushed at me with its snout low, as if it were planning to ram me.
4. When I finally did raise my head, what I saw was a very frightened group of people staring at me, a police officer standing over me, gun cocked and ready to shot, and the nine year old boy staring at me as though I was Superman.
I have a number of problems with this sentence. First, it is too long; Second, it has a word, shot, that doesn't work in it; Third, how do we know that boy is nine years old?; And fourth, why Superman? Why not Superwoman since the protagonist is a girl?
Guess I would fix it like this:
4a. When I finally looked up, I saw that group of young people staring at me with real fright in their eyes. There was also a police towering over me with his gun cocked, finger trembling on its trigger. And the boy with chubby cheeks was looking at me as if he thought I was Superwoman.

Well, I hope this was useful to you, Nicholette. Editing one's work is as important the creation of it. Good luck!

Nicholette, A Night in Shining Armor starts off with a hiss and a roar, the fight scene is well described and Raven is immediately set up as sassy and tough and very good with a weapon. The story is great and the characters very immaginative.
You may want to avoid unnecessary repetition, for example at the start of chapter two you state that Raven is in a car, then you repeat this twice in each of the next two paragraphs.
Details are also good, however you tend to get bogged down in too much detail at times. Perhaps concentrate on what's happening and describe that well and succinctly without getting into too much description of things that don't push the story forward. The paragraph starting 'The car zig-zagged...' for example.
You definately have a unique style which I like a lot. It is fresh and reflects how people would talk in real life something hard to do over an entire book.
Well done, this was an enjoyable read.

Very imaginative! I think your descriptions are well thought out and the action packed beginning is an excellent start. Good luck. G.W.

Extraordinary!

Regards,
Rian Torr
New London Masquerade

Dear Nicholette,

A lovely beginning to a story that I’m sure has a lot of potential!

You have a great voice; I especially enjoyed the opening. Your writing style is almost conversational; it is friendly, easy to follow, fast-paced and fluid.

You build tension nicely with variation in your sentence length and construction. The first person also works very well to bring the reader close to your protagonist, and make them really ‘feel’ the situation.

Eager to read more ; ) I see that you say it’s your first draft, and to pick it apart… Feel free to send a couple of chapters to goldcara6@gmail.com if you want me to make some detailed picks (Authonomy is kinda hard with that), and I”ll get around to you when I can!

As for the rest, well, this is thoroughly enjoyable and I admire your style. Keep at it!

Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction

YARG Review. First of all, LOVE the cover! You have some great lines like the training bra. I was a bit confused about the amnesia. I think you should show her confusion more from the start and let everyone know she has amnesia. I wish I wrote this well back when I was in high school. I think you have a very bright future in writing. Honestly, I don't care for first person, but you still have an engaging story here. Because you are so young and did such a good job, I am going to shelve it. Good luck with it.

A nicely humorous and slightly quirky way to begin.

The fight sequences are well paced and detailed, but went on just a little too long for my taste.

While I enjoyed the opening chapter I’m not clear if the narrator has no idea what is going on, has some idea generally, but just not of the current scenario or knows more than she is choosing to tell us.

There’s some really good stuff here, with all the signs of a great imagination at work, but there is room for polishing and improvement too.

Nits noticed:
Some dubious punctuation
“Mouldy stank” should be “mouldy stink”
“Focused in” should be “focused on”

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

Ncholette,

I must say what I've read so far is impressive. You said you're still in high school? A marvelous job, so far, although that does not mean there aren't things that need to be improved. But first, the many positives I see.

I love your voice, the personality revealed through the narrative. I liked your protagonist right from the first sentence, a nice blend of youthful brashness and intelligence. You have a wonderful imagination and you express it well. You drew me into that trashed amusement park immediately and I saw Saralinka fighting those monsters. You have talent, keep working on it.

Now for the things that can be improved.

Less is more in fiction writing. You're a little wordy and spend too much time discribing things to hold your readers. For an action adventure like this, have Saralinka swinging that sword right with the opening paragraph if you can. Also, you say Saralinka woke up in the amusement park holding that sword, implying she arrived there suddenly. I never got that impression. She does not seem surprised or startled enough to indicate that. As I read the opening paragraphs I got the impression she had been there all along and knew exactly who she was, where she was, and what she was doing. That led to some confusion on my part wshen you do imply she was unfamiliar with handling the sword and the situation.

Keep working on this, you've got a great start, and keep writing. I believe you have a future as a writer ahead of you.

Well, I don't think I've ever read anything quite like that before. But that's not to say I didn't enjoy it. I can certainly see the anime influence, it's interesting to read something that seems to have such a visual style yet without masses of descriptive text, or at least that's how it seems to me.
Quirky, unusual, and rattling along at a rollercoasters pace with some inventive turns of phrase. Keep it up!

Hey,

I have only read the first chapter so far and I thought this was a great introduction, especially the first two paragraphs. The line, "Sixteen years old and still in a training bra..." was well written.

You obviously have a passion for anime which shines through in your writing. You also write with in a descriptive and quirky manner which suits the tone of this story.

I think that you should replace the word horny with horned or something similar because it read to me as if these creatures were sexually aroused which I am sure you did not mean :P

I have to agree with what the last reviewer said regarding fragmented sentences and the lack of key words in the sentence.

The fighting scene was very good but the one concern that I had was that the character does not show much emotion. I would think that she would be at least slightly scared considering her age and that she appears to have no memory at all.

I do think that this is a very promising beginning and hope that there is more character development as it goes on considering how short this chapter was although I admit starting in this manner helps raise many questions which hook the reader.

Hope some of my ramblings help. When I get more time I will have a look at the next chapters.

Regards,

Charlie

Ok, so far I have read the first chapter and I am filled with a little concern. The first paragraph, I feel, contradicts your words in the following paragraph. Maybe I misinterpreted but it sounded like you were not going to tell a background story but then you tell a story on how you got in that situation. I am not sure there; something needs fixing.

Moving on...I noticed you like to partially describe objects and creatures then wait a paragraph or two before you finish the description. Such as, I new from the third paragraph that the snow was falling but a few paragraphs down you finally tell me that the scene around you included snow-covered machinery.

Next you switch up monster and demon. Try to stay consistent.

There are also many run-on sentences and fragmented sentences. Some are missing a word such as "the, a..."

The battle scenes are nice but offer little creativity as they appear more like a sequence of retold events than a action packed battle. I found your monster's quite cute in their descriptions, not sure if you were aiming for that.

The monster's skin like a rock yet you were able to tell it was monster flesh kinda seemed odd to me.

"Croissant" might sound better as "crescent moon" cause it started to send me off on a daydream thinking about my rumbling belly.

I do like the personality of the on-lookers and the un-named character's tough fearless personality. It played like a Japanese anime in my head while reading. I will read some more when I have time. You do write well and don't think I am being mean. I like to give constructive advice instead of strict praise. The more I critic means the more I wish to see it complete so I can read it. Best of luck

Hi Nicholette,
This critique is based on the first two chapters.
Excellent start! Beginning with action - especially in fantasy - is a plus for me, always. It gets the plot moving instantly - nothing annoys me more than a beginning that lags. Having it in an amusement part was also interesting. It made the scene look a little strange in my head, but very colourful.
Your visuals are also amazing; everything was so vivid. You definitely have a gift with imagery scenes. You pulled me into the story very easily, because there was so much I could imagine with my senses - you made it easy.
My only criticsm really, would be that some of your names and physical descriptions are a bit off. The eye colours to me are a bit too strange to be realistic (blonde/orange/gray). Maybe you could spread out the unusual physical characteristics of your characters; someone could have unusual hair, or a quirky face. Also, there's the issue with the names: Raven? Arrow? Just in my own mind, I can't see someone naming their child either of these.
Also, maybe try to avoid having a full physical description of Raven in the first paragraph. Spread it out a bit.
Overall, good start, and I can't wait to read more! Raven has a really distinctive, quirky voice, which makes it fun being in her head. You got the ball rolling really quickly, and hopefully the whole story is equally exciting :)
Liz

Start off with some action, why don't you. :) A very exciting read and I love a female protagonist.
I've only read 2 chapters so far but I loved them. You're a good storyteller and I especially love your narrative approach. It makes some parts read like a diary and anything goes in there. Your descriptive was a vivid enough representation of all that the character witnessed, though it was usually general and comparative.

You were a little brief on the first part of the fight scene, but that's probably just me who loves the butt kicking details. I have an entire chapter that details one of my characters moving through one confrontation after another. What you described of the fight was easy to follow, especially with that last monster, though I was kinda disappointed that she escaped the whole encounter unscathed.

It needs a lot of editing, but just for the common errors that are easily missed if it was not for the second pair of eyes. I pointed out a few below:


• a lumberjack drop his jaw -- reads better as (a lumberjack's jaw drop)
• People were running in different directions all around me, some running to my left, others to my right -- (repetition, saying they were running in different directions is enough)
• were focused in the mob -- (focused on)
• There was about twent of them, most of which appeared (most of whom)
Chapter 2
• the boy in the left had -- (on the left)
• out of the cab -- (it was a police car)

Editing is a pain but WTH, have to do it to cut down on the cons.

Bottom line, it's a great story and I've rated it highly... will leave it on my w/l for a go on my shelf.
Hope you return the read :)

Edwin - (The First Oath)

Hi, dear Nicolette! Your fifth chapter is still more intriguing. I don't remember exactly about air temperature, but some objects of my night dreams do have temperature aspect.Do you sometimes fly or have you ever experienced the breathing of the wind in your dreams? It seems to me, you do, for only possessing very keen senses and having some experience can be extrapoled into a realistic image.
now about fluffy socks and putrid smell from Raven's toes.... No doubt, it adds a realistic touch to your story, but as for me ( a rank-and-file reader at the moment), I hate such a smell from anyone's, especially pretty girl's toes. While writing you have to be a psychologist and portray an integral image.
Thanks a lot for your patience while reading all this nonsense.

P.S. If you have a spare minute, have a look at my short story ESCAPE. Your sincere judgement is important. Thanks again!

You have a great imagination and are blessed with the gift of writing. If you keep at it, as you said this was a first draft. I see this becoming a very promising series. Thank you for sharing your talent.