Goodbye my lover

First of all, I need to be honest and tell you this was a difficult one for me to critique. It’s only been a year since I stopped having aggressive cancer treatment, and I am still being scanned and prodded every other day, so this one is a bit too close to home for an objective look. Nevertheless, I will be as honest as I can be.

First of all – punctuation! You’re being badly let down by punctuation, particularly in your crucial opening para. The use of dashes is random. I suggest replacing them with commas. Have a close look at punctuation throughout the rest of the work. It's all over the place, particularly in your use of commas. Punctuation is supposed to act like breathing marks. If you read your work out loud, you’ll quickly notice where the breathing marks should come, and where they’re inappropriate.

Also watch your use of language. Wretchedly optimistic and insidiously kind? I guess this is indicating complex, mixed up feelings, but it’s just confusing to read.

The writing itself is very good and interesting. There’s a nice balance of feeling, description, dialogue and so on. The medical details are very real – you obviously have first hand experience of this.

There’s a lot that’s very good here, so I’m struggling to say why it doesn’t work for me. I am hesitant, as I said, to comment too much because of my own experience and feelings. However, I think purely from a literary point of view, it’s too grim in the opening chapters. A character dying is, of course, extremely grim and there’s no getting around it. But you haven’t set out to write a literary meditation on the meaning of life – the tone, characterization and mode puts this in the camp of commercial fiction, so it needs to follow some of the conventions.

***If I have misread your intentions and you do not want this to be commercial fiction, then please ignore everything I am about to say, as it will damage your book if you consider my suggestions.***

My biggest comment is that it needs a bit of light to go with the shade.

Flynn is slightly problematic, in that he may have had an affair and it may be a relief to him when his wife dies, even though he will grieve. This is very true to real life – it IS a tremendous relief when somebody who has been very ill for a long time dies, no matter how much they were loved. In fiction, though, it makes him less sympathetic and tragic. Think carefully about having a character who may have betrayed his sick/dying wife in this way.

This does NOT mean making him a two-dimensional goody two shoes, by the way, who never gets angry or never longs for the day this stress will be over. You can keep all the conflicted feelings in - just be wary of how he treats Ashley. Or if he has betrayed her in the past, be wary of making him someone in the present who looks like they would willingly get into an affair. Don't make him a saint, and keep in all the conflicted feelings, but just... be careful.

It seems quite emotionally satisfying that Ashley considers Dignitas while she is still relatively healthy on her travels. When she’s very sick, however, as she is when the story proper starts, it’s more poignant if her spirit is full of life, just as her body is failing. It’s the struggle of opposites that makes for compelling fiction. She has to be living life right now- and that doesn’t mean going out on the town. She can live large from her death bed. For example, when she realises she’s taken Esther for granted, maybe she could determine that she’s going to fix it, rather than just being melancholic and nostalgic – which is the emotional reaction of someone who’s given in. When she then realises that Esther might make a good partner for Flynn, this should be a big, brave decision made from a place of deep love, rather than something she casually mentions to Esther in passing.

A bit of raging against the dying of the light is needed, is what I’m saying. Not that she has to pretend to herself that she’s going to live, but a real determination to sort things out before she dies, and a focusing on that, rather than the details of her illness and death. Readers love characters who love, and the more she struggles to do the right thing by her husband, even if it cuts her to the quick, the more readers will love her. And, let’s face it, most people would be devastated by the thought of their partner going off with someone else, particularly their best friend – it’s a tremendous act of love to even think in such a way.

Basically, you’re dealing with life and death here, so make things bigger. Bigger decisions, bigger stakes, potentially bigger disasters. You don’t have to make her oblivious about the fact that she’s dying, or damp down her feelings about it, or take away any of the details of what it’s like when someone is that sick, but increase the drama by increasing the life force.

My other main comment is that a sub-plot of some kind could relieve the pressure. You’re asking the reader to spend between one and several hours (depending on how fast they read) in the company of a dying woman, and that’s hard going, just as it would be in real life. If you interspersed a sub-plot into it, it would help break the tension. Maybe Esther could have a problem she needs to discuss with her friend. Maybe you could beef up the scenes with Death and give him more of a presence. Maybe you could have some prosaic scenes where she’s battling the NHS or something. Anyway, I simply offer this as a thought.

I think I’ve read an earlier version of this book, and it has come on in tremendous leaps and bounds. It’s a very good read – but do fix your punctuation!

And, as I said, do remember that when it comes to this topic, I am not able to be objective, so these may all be worthless comments. (Except about punctuation.)

Brilliant plot, beautiful writing, so glad I randomly picked this up and started reading. very poignant, both heart wrenching and heart warming. Can't wait to read on, six stars. (:

Bre
Memoria

Juliet Ann, your new chapters are amazing! I love them. They give the book a completely different feel -- urgency and poignancy, ambivalence and depth. I have to read on to see how they segue into the part I read before (which is now several weeks ago).

The scripty font is a little distracting -- just a little, not too. But I think you hit the style and tone of a diary so squarely that you do not need that visual prop (which of course will not be available when you submit the MS for publication anyway).

I love the colorful descriptions of India, Thailand, and especially Cambodia (cancer as a freedom fighter!). A limitation of the diary format is that very little of the story is fully dramatized, but the voice and thoughts of this narrator are so riveting and full of emotion that the story comes off very well anyway.

Anyway, thanks for pulling me back into your book. I look forward to reading on.

Elizabeth

(PS- the below-mentioned "terminal" joke? I liked it. I thought it quite genuine and believable in this narrative -- just the right wry note. But the suggested edit might be a good idea.)

Hi Juliet-

Thanks for the read. First off, the book has a good, strong start. With the diary/epistolary model, the reader is able to quickly understand the main character, her situation, and her emotional state.

- I thought the early "terminal" pun was a bit off. I understand the dark humor of the terminally ill. Perhaps you can just remove the "I laugh in the face of death" part to give it more snap without underscoring the sentiment.
- For some reason, I wished early on that the diary was deliberately addressed to someone, like Flynn, or perhaps to the child she'll never have, etc. I wanted to feel her reaching out toward someone in these entries (and not merely to me, the reader).
- I thought there was a slight contradiction at the beginning, where Ashley mentions both a medical profession that has "given up on me" and a "West and its fallible belief that everything can be solved".
- I didn't think it was terribly believable that a young newlywed couple on the flight would so readily invite another couple older than them out for drinks, with Ashley's somewhat grotesque facial disfigurement to boot.
- I like Ashley's observation regarding the ironic growth of cancer--the irrationality of a parasite that kills its own host, and thus itself.
- I also liked the moon depicted as "a cereal bowl", but was thinking a "tipped cereal bowl" would be better. The image is more realistic (on its side), and could be leveraged to reflect the imbalance and unsettled emotional state within Ashley.
- I thought I would miss dialogue in this form. I kind of still do. But the writing is so smooth and natural that I don't feel a loss of intimacy without actual dialogue.
- Very realistic responses from Flynn--the anger, the impatience, the seeming lack of caring.
- Very good first conversation about death between Ashely and Flynn, with his feeling that he is not strong enough to endure Ashely's death.
- Excellent trip details--these details seem not to come from Wikipedia, but from actual experience.
- And throught, a very honest, real tone that carries the book.

Thanks again.

Goodbye to Love. A BHG return read. Youwant to check your pitches forunnecessary commas, and it's best not to have vague words like almost, practically, thereabouts. But your story has an intriguing and unusual plot.
I tend to notice nits - hope you dont kind.

Ch.1. You'll find if you check every adjective you use, and delete it, your words will have greater impact.
Unnecessary / vague words spoil the flow, like indistinguishable, annoyingly (Ch.3) very.
I like the present tense. It brings an immediacey to your poignant story. And you tell it well, with emotion.
And then there's an astonishing change of mood. Almost unreal.

Ch.2. Dont you wish you'd 'hung it on the seat in front'? I mean the coat.
This chapter is quite introverted, and you belabour the point a bit. The reader has realised from the beginning that thenarrator feels there is something amizz.
And it should be 'Your sister may be earth mother extraordinaire.'

Ch.3. That's an ambiguous sentence - who is wrtechedly optimistic and insiduously kind - Flynn, or the American couple?
And shouldnt it be 'I asked Flynn had he ever considered leaving me.'
I think you should make this paragraph into proper dialogue using separate lines. And check the grammar. Too many of your sentences are incomplete. But it's only my opinion...
Contrary to what you say in the pitches, you show the narrator as rather jealous and possessive and suspicious about Flynn. The feelings are natural, but I cant help feeling let down, and I'm beginning to like her less.

Ch.4. Love that sentence 'I nod in and out of morphine sleep, where dreams and reality twist like smoke.'
Oh, the narrator's name is Ashley - I must have missed it, before.

Isnt long-term illness hell - for the victim as well as the carer / partner. It changes love. I know, as I've been neither the carer nor the loved/loving one for the past twenty years. You are beginning to show that change in your story.

I would love it if you'd read a bit further into mine, and tell me what you think. My first three authonomy chapters are in reality only one chapter.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

It's going to feel as though I'm picking you apart, sorry. I think part of the problem lies in the fact that although we speak the same language we speak it quite differently. Best of luck to you, Geneva Wilkins ~A series of Moments: A place to Call Home~ (you may remember me from the 25 words thread)

...before I went to theatre vs to (the) theatre (my spell check doesn't like this spelling either)

I peek through my left eye at the doorway (I like how this sounds, less words with with the same outcome)

A nurse comes into this room they tell me is a privilege... this reads funny to me; also, how do you know she's had too many chocolates? I would consider omitting that thought if I were you or clarifying.

as opposed to A&E... not, to (in) A&E

Who is Grace that the nurse reminds her of?

Don't be afraid of contractions, sometimes they just sound better... It is a pity smile vs It's a pity smile? Probably just preference, but I don't shy away from them if it makes my story flow better.

She straightens the pile of useless magazines... you have a comma and a period at the end of that sentence

It's you I love you. Not what you look like. - nice use of the contraction by the way ;) - To me it should read... it's you I love, not what you look like.

Do you know what I was thinking-with you off all summer- ...it took me three times before I could make this sentence make sense I would try to re-word if I were you.

Best wishes

You deal with this sad subject so beautifully. I like the matter-of-fact way your MC copes with her plight and interacts with the other characters. You manage to get a lot of detail and imagery into the story with your clever use of dialogue. High stars and on my watchlist.
Yours Bea

Hi Juliet,
this is all so believable, mainly I think due to a very good command of dialogue. Given that cancer is a subject area I prefer not to think about, your book brings home to me the humanity of the situation, and a realisation that there will always Ashleys and Flynns around me, going through something similar. Hopefully I'll be that bit more aware and sensitive,
Scott.

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A well-written emotional start. Ashley is a vulnerable, believable, sympathetic central character. Superb use of deep point of view to flesh her out. Effective descriptions. Good sense of place. Well-crafted tension. Smooth pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) "How's the pain," she says, back on script. Put a question mark after 'pain.'
2) 'I check the time: 5pm.' '5pm' should be '5 p.m.' or, better yet, 'five p.m.'
3) "You ought to get back to her Flynn." Comma after 'her.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There is another case in this chapter where you address someone, but didn't offset their name or title with a comma.
4) 'I press my good cheek into his chest and inhale his warm scent.' When you mention 'scent,' try to characterize it. What is Flynn's dominant scent? Musk? Lemon? Cigarettes? Leather? Vanilla? When you characterize scent, you pull the reader deeper into your scene.
5) "It's you I love you." Remove the second 'you.'

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a marvelous day, Juliet.

Al

Your pitch drew me into reading this especially the last line. What a hook! Cancer is such an emotive and delicate subject that it is hard to get it right but I think you have handled this well. Ashley and Flynn are trying to deal with this tragedy in their own way, Flynn less successfully it seems. They are both desperate to lead a normal life but deep down both of them know that they are grasping at straws. Everyone fears cancer and how it can wreck our lives and you portray this beautifully. The dialogue is authentic and skilfully written. Well done on tackling such a sensitive subject in a truly professional manner.

Kim (Pain)

Hello , a very touching picture of an all too recognisable human situation - chiming with me as I 've just been very sick and my sister had cancer some years ago along with father. The heroine is all too human and fallible , to be full of self-pity - its entirely understandable - but to survive she does need to take a more positive attitude , I don't know what transpires in the later chapters - anyway good writing , very human . Thankyou . Watchlisted and starred . I don't know if you have the time but I wonder if it is at all possible that you might have the time to take a look at my novel 'A Buccaneer' , which is an historical/adventure/romance set amongst Pirates in the 17th century and includes lost love, the Great Plague of London , Sir Henry Morgan , a five handed duel , a fight with a shark and an anaconda , beautiful Spanish ladies and much more with best wishes from Strachan Gordon.

Juliet,

I read the first four chapters. The nature of the subject matter makes this a hard story to read. It's just so sad. But your writing style is fabulous. I'm in awe of your dialogue....how do you do that? I can hear those powerful conversations and you're a master at using intricate observations to convey a meaning or emotion.

The punchy, short sentences work very well for me. They get the facts across precisely and quickly, and the style suits Ashley's feisty character. I have only admiration for this book. But it's so overwhelmingly sad I can't read any more at the moment. I will return later when I'm in the right frame of mind.

The diary format in Ch. 3 is an interesting way to nudge the story on. The intensity dropped a bit but I didn't mind that. I think this is a story that needs some light relief from time to time. I wouldn't mind if there were more humorous holiday excursions that take us away from her illness.

I suppose you've got to make Flynn good looking because your target audience is mainly female?


Ch.1 - I couldn't make sense of the sentence that starts 'A nurse comes into this room they tell me is a privilege....'
'A perk of (a) working the wards, opposed to (in) A &E ....' Presumably the change to the nurses POV in this sentence is intentional?

Ch.2 - 'I pull my crumpled....... I had hung (on it)'

Ch. 3 - 'I asked Flynn (if) he......'

Gareth

Hello Juliet,
Chaps 1-3 during a scheduled 'paperwork hour' when none-damn your eyes!-was done.
Great read. Great writing. A difficult scenario navigated with just the right amount of depth without ever becoming preachy or sentimental.
I was taken in by the irreverent 'spunky' tone at the start (I don't always read the SP or LP-leaving the prose to stand or fall). The hospital environment summarised by that word 'wipeable'. Everything is believeable-dialogue, descriptions and most of all the very real characters. Very, very good.
The diary entries of chap 3 offer a change in pace that is risky but the empathy with the characters is strong enough to carry the reader through.
Two typos spotted- chap 2 may be instead of maybe 'she may be an earth goddess'. (I think)
3rd March Jaipur 'I asked Flynn IF he..'
Will have another look. Small dread filled feelings about what happens in chapter 4 after the optimism is carefully increased at the end of chap 3.
On WL now for backing later. 6 stars.
Thank you
John
Dropping Babies

I read the pitch and just had to get into this. Most people have had some form of experience with cancer and being short of time - we all often think of everything that needs to be done before the time comes. It's a really touching story with a strong connection with the reader through your writing style (top marks) and balance of characters. A very honest and emotional piece of work - well done. Highly starred.

Lee :-)

I love this book. Up to Chapter 9, I was transfixed. I think Chapter 10 might need a bit of re-jigging, as I'm not entirely convinced by Kasia. However, I have total faith in you to prove me wrong. Please upload some more!

Juliet - this is transformed. So tight and powerful. You are absolutely on the right track here, and I love it that you pull no punches, give us nowhere to hide. It's not comfortable reading, but with a protagonist as strong as Ashley, all we have to do is read and learn. Excellent, six stars and a place on my shelf at the next swap round. Fan K
oh, two typos in final chapter; I came to, not came too, and 'Hear, hear' from Flynn, not here here.

I remember this from its previous incarnation... I think I may have commented and backed it under my old profile, in fact.

A difficult story to tell - a woman dying of cancer makes for a tricky character to write. I remember last time I'd had reservations about her - the issue being that a dying-too-young character, with all the bitterness that entails, is hard to write into the sort of character a reader wants to stay with.

I see you've changed the opening somewhat - there seems more of a lead-in to the point where Ashley is terminally ill. I'm still not sure it takes the reader back far enough - I really felt I needed to know Ashley before the cancer... to know what her relationship with Flynn was when they imagined they had all the time in the world. Instead we open with Ashley's first operation, move swiftly on to her realising the cancer has returned and then we're into the story as I remember it from before, when she's returned home to die.

It's a difficult thing to pull off. To make us care enough about Ashley - I mean genuinely care, not just feel sorry for her - that we care enough she succeeds in organising her husband's future once she's gone. My problem with Ashley is her bitterness - I'm sure, in her position, I'd be a cow too, but it makes for difficult reading. She is SO bitter and castigates any family member who comes near her, so it becomes very hard to empathise with her after a while.

The concept - that a dying wife find a 'replacement' for her husband before she goes - is strong. The trick is, I think, in not making that seem a controlling action - i.e. you need to make the fact that she's doing this for love come through loud and clear. At the moment I'm struggling to see it as an act of love because your protagonist is a) so filled with bitterness and b) I've seen nothing of the couple they were before the cancer... in fact where she refers to the past, it seems maybe their relationship wasn't particularly strong...???

I need to see that this couple was perfect and happy etc before the cancer struck to then believe Ashley's actions in finding her husband a 'replacement' are done from a loving perspective. I don't want to see her as a manipulative type... but, alas, with the way she treats her sister and the gulf between her and Flynn which seems impossible to overcome with conversation and honesty... I'm left feeling that poor Ashley is quite alone in her quest - and, more importantly, was quite alone before she started dying - and that her desire to see Flynn settled with someone else when Ashley is gone just seems a controlling gesture, rather than a loving one.

The friend, Esther, is interesting - she clearly has been in love with her friend, Flynn, for a long time - to no avail. I wonder how she and Ashley grew close... again I wish I could see them all before Ashley's illness, to get a better feel for how the relationships worked then. I find it hard to believe that Ashley wouldn't already have realised Esther was in love with her husband... and maybe if she had realised that, then the act of trying to get Flynn and Esther together would seem more natural...??

The nurse - I didn't read far enough to see when she comes into the picture. From the pitch I gather Ashley doesn't approve... this makes me wonder why? Either she wants Flynn to be happy or she doesn't... so again I'm left wondering whether what's important to Ashley is that *she* controls events, not the outcome of the events themselves.

And I guess in terms of writing a story a character like Ashley - flawed, as we all are - is vital. For me to get on board with that, though, I need to really understand her... to be able to sympathise. If her actions are driven by a need to control the future in which she won't have an active role, then that's fine as long as during that process I really get engaged with her thoughts - at the moment she's just annoying me because she's being nasty to everyone and yet denying it to herself. I need to see her acknowledge - even if only privately - that she's being a bitch to then get on board with her and empathise/sympathise with what she's trying to do.

I hope this isn't too harsh. I realise I haven't actually commented on the writing style, voice, etc etc. I think the story you're telling is a hard one - the reader HAS to be on side with Ashley. For me, this means I need to a) see the future she always thought she'd have, before she became ill and b) to wholly believe she has a *reason* to want Flynn set up for a future when she's gone.

I need to read more, I think, to see what happens when the nurse appears and catches Flynn's eye.

In the meantime, you're on the list for a spell on my rotating shelf.

Hi Juliet.

I have read all ten chapters now. I should say that my reviews, as you probably noticed from the last one I gave on this, are rather curt in the way I give criticism. I think its my nature as I prefer just being told things straight and hearing the bad things rather than emphasis on the good - and I'm rather sensitive about it having made one of my students cry when giving feedback on her translation a couple of weeks ago.

To put the praise first (and bluntly). This is a strong piece and was hard to put down, and was disappointing to reach the end. I got a great impression of Ashley - a complicated character with much depth, has a bad side, but is overly sensitive and one can sympathise with her and relate with her. She is an excellent figure to drive the story on and is the strength of the novel. It is depressingly sweet and the themes run well, the delivery of everything is fine and it is a quick read. The development of the illness, the complexity of the relationship between Flynn and Ashley, the plot of finding him a wife, the sub-plot of the Marie Curie nurse all work well together and keep your reader engaged. It is a brilliant story and has many different levels.

The themes are certainly far-ranging - the values of living and dying; the longevity of love; lust; human relationships. And you deal with such heavy things so well. And I am rather amazed how you could pack these in equally and leave such a mark on me in just 20,000 words. This is a brave and magnificent work, Juliet.

However, my first observation is that you seem to be travelling two roads at once. It feels as if you are deliberately trying to orientate this towards women's fiction and I don't feel it fits there. At the same time, because of the weight of your themes, and the story in general, you are attempting an epic of human life which fits in more with classic novels. I'm sure if Zola or Conrad were alive today, they would write something similar. And to be honest Juliet, if you were to abandon trying to make this a light women's fiction read it would strengthen the novel a lot more without alienating that audience. I think this could be a novel that isn't just read in the same way Picoult or Steele is read, but is one that is picked up again and again and remains timeless. You need to tackle your themes with a braver hand and not be afraid to make them more dense or to let Ashley think about things a little more, and to deviate from the main action with these.

Some pedantic things, which are irritating for any writer to have to think about, but I am one hundred percent sure should be addressed:

Esther - I think you rather clumsily introduce the whole idea of her and Flynn. I think it needs more thought and to be dealt with more subtly. Ashley should voice her own considerations - and here I think you should show an erring in the idea that someone else should love Flynn the way she does. To show a fear she has that she will not be Flynn's only wife - but that the fear of him being alone, or with the wrong woman wins out over this minor fear. It will move your reader more.

The joint - I would drop the whole marijuana scene altogether. I found it alienated me from Ashley and added nothing more to the story, other than to question Ashley's character as it went against my conception of her.

Language - sometimes the language is rather vulgar which goes against the style you write. It doesn't gel well with the smooth prose.

Moving onto my own subjective observations. The opening three chapters were not very good and not very well written. The nightclub scene lacked the charm of the other one, and there was too much of a preoccupation with Ashley's face - and introducing her disfigurement here did alienate me from her character and I'm not sure if it is entirely necessary to have that so prominent so near the start of the story. It was just something that I constantly tried to picture in my mind rather than get to know Ashley. It was a start that was too heavy on graphic details in general and would have been put to better use dealing with the relationship between Flynn and Ashley and the horror of being diagnosed with cancer. It needs to warm the reader to the character rather than shock them with the horrible fate ahead that we already know about.

Another thing I think could be looked at is Flynn. Not once did I get a great picture of his personality, yet any major description of him was reduced to his physique which added nothing. Then the moment where we should feel the love between them in the garden is superceded with lust, which worked better in your earlier version - but we had Flynn's POV then. And while you can keep these and not change a thing - because you do a very good job in showing how Flynn is affected by it all - you really need to show one tiny subtle show of affection on Flynn's part, some unspoken bit of affection or an oblique comment. Because the whole time the relationship between Flynn and Ashley feels distant and built on lust with Ashley's constant comments on his physique and the few references to their bedroom antics. And while your reader will know that Ashley loves Flynn, one cannot be so sure that Flynn loves Ashley - so if you had that element just once it will negate this comment.


I neglected to mention that I think the novel works much better in Ashley's point of view. It makes it a stronger piece. But as I mentioned I would like to see more of Ashley's inner thoughts. Most of the novel focuses on Ashley's reactions to physical things - even Death becomes a physical thing she talks to and can see. And it would really strengthen it if you added paragraphs of internal thought where she worries about things - worries about not seeing Christmas, not going to her nieces play. She actually voices her worries to herself about how much extra work it will be for Flynn. She thinks about an afterlife or not - these are all things I think a dying person would have running through their mind, but you have so little of this - in fact no thought on anything that isn't placed in the world.


There, I've probably put you in tears too now, but I'd like to reiterate that from chapter 4 onwards this was very high quality stuff, a real enjoyment to read and a powerful story. You've made major improvements since your earlier version, and while there are some issues I think should be tackled, this is a story well worth writing and well worth reading.

Joe

Hi Juliet –

Think I first read this on YWO – it’s been through a few changes since then. Titles too! (Am sunk in re-write hell myself – the words dog with a bone spring to mind...)

The beginning is clearly very different. I really like these first two chapters - for me, the voice & the relationship between Ashley & Flynn are spot on, as are the undercurrents of poignancy, uncertainty & pain. The emotions are raw and real, but never overdone , yet there’s plenty of light & shade. Only thing that pulled me up was not knowing what a parotidectomy actually was (took time out to look it up) – I wonder if there’s a subtle way of making it just a little clearer? Also re: ‘Opiate washes over me’ – given it’s being introduced via syringe, would ‘floods through me’ (or similar) be more apt?

It may be me, but I found the transition to chap 3 quite abrupt in terms of tone & voice - & also the distance that seems to have developed between Ashley & Flynn. I realise a great deal has happened - but I wonder if there’s a way of somehow easing the reader in? Easier said than done (esp given the present tense), but maybe at some point Ashley could acknowledge this change herself? Look back briefly here & there or whatever? Not sure, but maybe worth a thought.

At some stage , btw, someone (lost the bit, sorry!) ‘balls’ their eyes out. Should that be ‘bawls’?’ (Might be worth doing a typo sweep as there are a few more here & there.)

I really like the Nick email thing – punctuates the narrative nicely & stops it from being too gloomy!

When Ashley’s mum says ‘I suppose it makes sense to get it done sooner rather than later’ I’m surprised Ashley’s only reaction is to imagine her helping her dad with his jacket. The words seem so loaded I’d expect them to hit her like a ton of bricks...

I’m not sure how much I buy into the discharge letter. In parts it veers towards info dump. The tone also seems to swing between formal & chatty, which I found unconvincing.

Re the scene where Ashley & Flynn have sex – do you mean to show Flynn in an unsympathetic light? I realise how angry, bitter, scared, repulsed, etc etc he is, but I (& of course, it may just be me), wouldn’t mind him saying something v simple like ‘I’m sorry’ once he’s finished. Or have I missed the point completely (always possible!)?

The ’conversations’ with death are mega- powerful. It took me a couple of exchanges to get into them, but overall I think they’re a great device.

Sorry if the above is a bit disjointed & hope at least some of it makes sense.

Oh, just realised I haven’t actually said how much I enjoyed what I read – genuinely. Have backed it of course.

I wish you tons of good luck with it.

Angela

Hi Juliet
This is excellent stuff. You have a great voice and I immediately empathised with Ashley, not only because of her situation but because of her very human internal dialogue re all this. She seems a strong woman, trying to do the right thing and so - perfect protagonist material with or without the cancer. You are tackling such a prickly subject but walk that tightrope perfectly. I loved her anxieties and the lines re the mirror bookending the start and finish of chapter 1 was genius. 6 stars and on my watchlist for more.
Derek
The Angel Chord

Hi Juliet,
I read the first couple of chapters. I’m really impressed with the quality of the writing and the way you’ve tackled subjects we all prefer to skirt around.

Ashley is a great character – the way she deals with the disintegration of her body is fascinating. She really swam into focus for me when first dealing with the nurse. The power shift in the conversation was brilliantly handled. I much preferred seeing that stronger side to her, rather than seeing her so emotionally vulnerable – though I know what she has been through is so terrible.

Her loneliness as she feels her illness returning in Ch 2, even when she’s with Flynn, is rendered beautifully, as are the difficulties of dealing with people on a normal night out. The dialogue between Ashley and Flynn is excellent – realistic and complex.

Looking forward to reading more. Best of luck with it.
Andrew.

Juliet,
This is a great story! I find it hard to read because of its content, but certainly not the writing, which moves right along. I saw in the comments that it was first POV, but jumped around. It looks like you've corrected this (and I would have said it too, if you hadn't already fixed it). My biggest suggestion then is related: when you cut Flynn's POV, you might have lost opportunities for the reader to "feel" what he is feeling. I feel disconnected from him when reading. To replace his POV, you will need to add in more ways for me to see, hear, or sense what he is feeling. There are a few good ones already--when he runs his hand through his hair (anxiety), or gets a "look." Let the reader see by Flynn's actions everything that he may be going through right now, since he isn't telling us anymore.

Also, a few small typos are here, so I suggest another good line edit. Things like "ball" where it should have been "bawl," etc. There are several sentences where clauses are connected by a comma when a semicolon is the better way. If a clause is a complete sentence and not a fragment, it should be a semicolon.

All in all, I loved it!

Juliet, this is so good! It is completely convincing, both the way her experiences are described and the emotional content. Dialogue is excellent, too. I don't know what parotidectomy means -- would there be a way to drop a hint? -- but it doesn't matter, didn't distract me at all. I was completely drawn into the story and the characters. From this first chapter and the pitch (which tells me it is a kind of book I like) I know I want to read it. Great job!

Hi Juliet ...

Finally managed to comment. When My mother died of cancer, she knew about it for twelve months, but she was in her seventies. I still cannot comprehend how anyone can know they have a limited time left and not fall to pieces. But the way you have written this seems to fit with what she told us. A very well written piece and so true to life. Backed and rated. Regards ... Duncan.

This is a heart wrenching story that everyone should read. You have taken a sad story, peppered it with humor, and turned it into a fantastic story. You touch your readers in a very personal way and that will make this book a best seller. Your dialogue is smooth and natural and you have a gift for imagery as well. Great job. I will be rating this one with high stars. Thanks for the read.

Poignant, tragic, heart-wrenching and at times difficult to read because the pain is so raw. The writing is even more powerful because of the tense you tell the story in and the pov you write from. Even the dialogue reflects the immanency of death eg in chapter 3 when Ashley returns from the hospice the dialogue is short and sharp. You have created a character in Ashley that the reader feels admiration for and portrayed a relationship between Ashley and Flynn that is realistic and multi-faceted. I have rated your work highly and will keep it on my watchlist to back. Maria (Georgina's Family) :)

Dear Juliet

After reading three chapters, I wanted to leave a comment, before coming back for more later. Out of time just now. What a sad and all too believable tale you tell. You call it fiction, but it feels well observed, gentle and realistic. There are moments of sadness in the ordinary and personal exchanges that you capture with startling accuracy. It looks easy, but must have taken time to get so smooth. I shall be reading all you have uploaded.

I love it. Well written, a great read. Six stars! xx

Wow. Hi Juliet. You grab your reader and bring him (or her) into your journey fast and freely. Loving it. On watch list for now. Will be enjoying yours in the meantime. :-)

blessings,
jim
"Jack & Charmian London"

I think this is a very well written book. I can’t see why it wouldn’t get published. I love the way that the first three chapters unfold until we have the final diagnosis, which is a formal medical referral – it’s very well crafted. The language is very well-controlled and sparse, with really wonderful dialogue. To me there’s not even a trace of the amateur here – it’s really tight.
I’m putting this on my W/L to move to my bookshelf soon.
small typo in chapter 2 - bawls (not balls) her eyes out

I think Fran’s idea to have a single pov works well – not that I saw it the other way, but it seems like a story that needs a nice clean line.
Best of luck (but I don't think you'll need it!)

Victoria HUnter
Ramadan sky

GOODBYE TO LOVE
I liked this book a lot. You’ve taken a potential very sad topic, yet by sprinkling it with humor, made it an enjoyable read. Writing diaglogue is your strength: it’s always brief and to the point and sounds real. Both Ashley and Flynn come across as likable characters. A good read. Wanttobeawriter.

Juliet,

This version seems to move more slowly than the last. I felt I was plodding along during the first 2-3 chapters, waiting for something to happen, waiting for more than facial descriptions and Ashley's inner feelings. Not that this story requires mesmerizing action, no, but something to keep the story moving. I think the long doctor's letter also slows things down (although it was excellent in providing background), but it was presented in a 'tell' mode rather than 'show.' The emails also slowed things down, at least for me. Maybe my problem was I wanted to immediately dive into Ashley's program of finding a wife for Flynn; Flynn's reactions; Esther's reactions; Kasia's reactions. I wanted shouting and screaming!

I've changed my mind on the first person. Although I think the entire story should be from Ashley's point of view, as you have presented it, now I believe it might work better from the third person.

Nevertheless, as I have pointed out in the first version, this has all the elements of a great story. I think it''s just the mechanics that have to be addressed.

My best to you,

Dan Carroll
SlumAuthor

Hello, very vivid and raw , it has the aura of true reality and experience lived behind it , I will definitely be reading on . Watchlisted and starred. Would you be able to look at the first chapter of my book 'A Buccaneer' which is set amongst Pirates in the 17th century,regards Strachan Gordon

Hello, very vivid and raw , it has the aura of true reality and experience lived behind it , I will definitely be reading on . Watchlisted and starred. Would you be able to look at the first chapter of my book 'A Buccaneer' which is set amongst Pirates in the 17th century,regards Strachan Gordon

Juliet, I've read the first four chapters of Goodbye to Love, and I love it even though it's the saddest book I've read on Authonomy. Who among us hasn't known someone who was dying of cancer? Maybe not everyone, but I certainly have. It made we want to cry, but at the same time, it was helpful to hear what goes through a person's mind as they're facing horrible pain, surgeries, chemo, and saying goodbye. I completely understand your choice of present tense in this story. It adds to the tenseness of Ashely's situation and lets the reader feel like they're right there with her, holding her hand. Very well-written, perfect in every way. Thank you for writing such a moving story.
Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Hi Juliet, this is pretty painful to read at times, but so well written. I especially liked the relationship between Ashley and Flynn, I got a real sense of a couple in love, normal, everyday love which is difficult to portray. But there is also an undercurrent of pretence, a sense that these two are lying to both themselves and each other. That's one of the reasons I kept reading, and I think it's really clever to focus on their relationship. Not everybody can identify with somebody who has a terminal illness, but almost everybody knows what if feels like to try and keep a relationship going in the face of adversity.

I think some of the dialogue could use a bit of tweaking, as your character's voices aren't really distinctive, although I do realise that people who have spent years of their lives together do often end up with very similar speech patterns. The present tense works absolutely fine for me. Obviously, I haven't got to the bones of the plot yet, but this is a really strong start, starred and on my WL for now.

Hi there, I have read chapter one and I found your writing very proficient and skilful . The characters were believable and the dialogue realistic. I will put your book on my watchlist and will eventually shelve it as testament to your writing skill. I am not going to read any more of this (really sorry) it is just not for me, I wouldn't buy it but that is because I don't buy this sort of book, I'm just not a reader of medical tragedy sort of stuff, it stays with me too long. I would have liked to have read more but it was making me feel pretty low. I wish you the very best with it. Cheers - Diane

Thank you for reading. Really appreciated. The first person present is a very intentional choice, though I know it is not for everyone (past tense is not going to cut it, due to the immediacy of impending death and drawing the reader into the journey). Disco music at a funeral - great image. That's kind of what I am going for with Ashley, who refuses to die quietly and serenely. I want it to jar and jangle (but not put the reader off completely)

I've looked at this before. I think you've bitten off more than you can chew. The present tense style doesn't match the subject matter.

From the pitch I'm expecting the story to be a slow and painful reflection. Instead you've tried make it immediate. I don't believe it works. Death and tragedy tend to be past tense, and in something of a haze. Your work may be technically good, in a style that requires attention to technique but the result is like playing disco music at a funeral.

I've looked at this before. I think you've bitten off more than you can chew. The present tense style doesn't match the subject matter.

From the pitch I'm expecting the story to be a slow and painful reflection. Instead you've tried make it immediate. I don't believe it works. Death and tragedy tend to be past tense, and in something of a haze. Your work may be technically good, in a style that requires attention to technique but the result is like playing disco music at a funeral.

FrancesK comment below gave me the push to do what I knew this needed. It is now from a single POV (Ashley's). Would love opinions.

Juliet, this is a brave, defiant piece of work. Going head to head with the taboos - terminal illness, infidelity and the inevitable uglification of the process of cancer - all subjects that, in real life, we skirt uneasily around. Well done for making these themes into a cracking story in which, although we already know the end for Ashley, we cannot imagine how her journey will impact on Flynn. I have personal knowledge of nursing a dying husband and watching my brother nurse his wife, so your day to day preoccupations are spot on. However - I have a couple of things to suggest. First, Flynn's voice in ch 1 somehow doesn't strike me as masculine. I thought it was a woman talking - maybe its the precision of his detailed observations, or his interest in psychological motivations - I know that men do this, but his method of expressing himself comes across to me as womanly. So, the second chapter, when Ashley is talking, very clearly a woman, I was looking for style differentiation, a different voice, and I couldn't hear it. They sound like the same person to me. I wonder why we need Flynn's thoughts and voice? Couldn't Ashley do it all? Maybe Flyn tells her about the arrival of the puppy? To me, if we know exactly what is going on in both their heads, it loses poignancy. I like to be made to work a little, to guess, to misunderstand - just as, I predict, maybe Ashley misunderstands. Does this make sense? The third voice, Kasia - if you need her voice to be first person, she has to be introduced earlier. It's too late for me as a reader to try and get into a third head! In fact she has useful information about the type of cancer - I wanted to know in ch 1 what it was, and URGENTLY needed to know what the facial disfigurement looked like - couldn't Ashley see herself in a mirror and describe what she sees? That is such a massive part of the change that has happened to her, we need to be there with her. Last of all - we can't support both Flynn and Ashley, at least, I can't. One has to be the protagonist and one the antagonist. My preference is for Ashley. I think I would prefer not to be drawn into Flynn's thoughts, so I can be more fully on her side. Maybe you want us to be more with Flynn? In which case, don't let us into Ashley. I hope this makes sense. You have an unusual piece of work here, if you revise it, please let me know - Fan K

Hello, Juliet Ann-

What a great idea for a story! A dying woman’s love for her husband is so great, that she wants to arrange for her husband’s future wife before she dies. People arrange post-death finances through wills; why not arrange a post-death marriage in other ways? The idea is sound and exciting.

There is an excellent cast of characters here- Ashley and her husband, Flynn; Ashley’s sister-in-law, Grace (unliked by Flynn but adored by Louise, Ashley’s mother); Ron, Ashley’s father-in-law who has Parkinson’s; Doris the dog and others. All come across as distinct individuals, even the dog.

Writing in the present tense kept me on the edge of my chair throughout the reading, providing a surrealistic overtone that Ashley’s death was imminent.

Halfway through chapter 5 we read, “He needs a new wife.” At this point the stakes in the story are raised. We are no longer dwelling on Ashley’s lugubrious situation, for later in this chapter it is confirmed. Ashley wants her husband to have another wife-- his friend Esther. Esther says (referring to men) “I think the best ones are all taken.” Then Ashley responds, “...you never know- they do come free again. Take Flynn.” A tremendous jolt to keep the reader interested!

I was intrigued by Flynn’s affair in chapter 6, after he had just married Ashley. I must read on!

Well-written, clear, vivid. The reader has no problem seeing what’s going on. But a few things did get past the editorial police:

Chap 1 - “…Ashley’s mind of things.” Typo- “off”

“Whoah- shall we get her inside before she escapes.” Question mark?

“I will turn golden brown...” Should be “It,” referring to the garden.

Chap 2- “her thigh rubbing up and down mine...” I think “on” should be before “mine.”

Chap 3- “Why has he put them there, where I can right reach them?” To me, “can’t reach them” makes more sense, unless this is a regional phrase.

“He looks pissed of with me...” In New York we’d say, “pissed off,” but maybe this is another regionalism.

Chap 4- “I try to avoid looking the bed...” Looking “at” the bed?

“...demanding all her reserves for its self...” Perhaps “itself” would be better.

Chap 5- “...neverending pitch…” Two words, “never ending.”

“Me and Grace don’t share stuff like this.” Although I’m hearing this more as the years go by (and since language continues to change) maybe this will become accepted English, like “It’s me.” But I think proper English still remains “Grace and I...”

The above few comments notwithstanding, an excellent job. Six stars and a place on my shelf when there’s room.

Best regards,

Dan Carroll
SlumAuthor