A Relative Loss

Rosalind,

PLC review

I read chapters 1-5 of a Relative Loss and thought it quite beautifully observed. I remember your longer book - the one with the sword in it - which was here a while ago quite fondly too. This is an extract isn't it, with different names? Freddy is a likeable child and we can sympathise with him as his life is made difficult by domineering relatives - the suggestion that the pattern is playing out between Freddy and Norman is an echo of that between Dad and Uncle. Then we can rejoice at relief of evacuation to the kind Yeos, free from Norman, and the disappearance of the stutter (I stammered as a child - still do sometimes). You handled the confusion of the child's emotions with a lovely subtlety, showing us the Uncle and the cousin bullying and the different forms of grief. And the ways that even wellmeaning parents get it wrong and misunderstand. The swirling mix of grief described in subtle, supple prose. I liked the hiding behind glasses. I did wonder if the crossword clue 'Trouble' was over-egging a little, but only a very little. But it is a clever story because Norman is not a black and white villain, only the son of an unpleasant father.

I liked the language - on the surface simple but it's not quite a child's voice, more an experience filtered through the child's voice, a projection perhaps.

When the rest is uploaded do let me know. I can see you're having problems with the site.

Best wishes, Harriet

A RELATIVE LOSS
This is a good story. I have an uncle who lived in London during the war and used to tell stories of how he was evacuated to the country just like Freddy so I identified immediately with this story. Freddy is great main character; he’s both likable and sympathetic because of the poor way his uncle treats him (I didn’t feel bad to hear he’d been killed). Norman is nothing but trouble; a good contrast to Freddy. Overall, enjoyable historical fiction; makes WWII come back to life. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

YARG
Dear Lara: I wanted to read your book but it wouldn't load chapters 6-14 and then chapters 15-17 were just a repeat of an earlier chapter. I must say, though, that your writing is excellent in the first 5 chapters! I was really impressed as well as interested in the story. I think this, when finished, might turn into a real classic. I do hope you finish and let me know when the rest of the chapters are loaded. The only suggestion I have is that I got a bit confused with who was whom in your dialogue. Perhaps a few more names would help as in the following: ch 4, "He shouldn't have been visiting your Dad. He was always visiting you. Why couldn't your Dad just visit mine?" I am not the professional writer that you are - just thought this might clear up characters a bit. Can't say I was unhappy when that cruel uncle Wal died! and, like Freddy, I was sad over the pigs slaughter. The story was really beginning to get interested when Freddy's Dad agreed to take in Norman (although I felt sorry for Freddy) - but then no more of the story would load. I was wondering why Norman's mom wouldn't want to keep him though? Lara., I'm not flattering you when I tell you that you have a real gift for writing. I am really impressed with what you've written! and as a reader, I find your story fascinating. Your characters (although I got a bit confused as to who was where with whom) are so real - fully drawn. My favorite line in the book so far was in Ch. 3 describing the rain: "It fell down and down as if each splash was .... sky" That was such a lyrical, beautiful description. At first, I though this would just be a child's story about pigs. Then I began to realize the seriousness of the story and was charmed by the writing. I do look forward to reading the rest of it! But for this much, I'm giving you an exceptional number of stars. Pat

A PLC Review

This is an extremely well written book that seems to be edited very carefully. It conveys a sense of the physical very well – with drama and comedy and lovely irony. It is understated, great dialogue and imagery and very good pace. The character’s POV beautifully done.
The uncle and the cousin are just the right amount of menacing in the first chapter.
I love the socks holding the legs like vases but think the sentence order there is wrong.
I love the rain falling after the tragedy of the pigs (it actually mirrors a scene in my own book but they are also different ) and the uncle ‘s death so close to the pig’s death is really very good.
I can’t fault this book - except that I think it needs a better title - although I like the pun in your title, it doesn't make me want to read it.
Victoria Hunter Ramadan Sky

PLC Review:

Chapter 2: Nicely done. I love the way your writing seems so effortless.
Chapter 3: I wanted to cry over the pigs as well. I loved the line, 'felt sort of full inside, and not just with food.'
Chapter 4 & 5 : Wonderful descriptives. Good pacing continues as well as the reader's interest is still hooked!

Lara, I have really enjoyed reading your first 5 chapters. I think you have done a terrific job of getting inside the mind of a young boy - very impressive. Very little to find fault with in reading these chapters - my only suggestion would be to explain a little more why he was sent to live with the elderly couple. It almost happened too fast...I think the story would benefit with a little more info on what is was like making a major transition like that, and perhaps a memory or two of saying good-bye to his parents and the uncertainity he would have felt the first time he met the elderly couple. Best of luck with this - it is very promising! Ruby

PLC Review: Chapter One....I can tell that I am going to enjoy this story! Very engaging and easy to follow. The characters were illustrated well - great job of showing instead of telling!

Typo: 'I've brought your cousin for you' needs quotation marks at the end of the quote.

Really enjoyed The Relative Loss. Right from the start you captured me and I was lost in the story you've portrayed very well. The two main characters are well defined and you've captured them brilliantly and I'm left feeling I already know them Have read the first two chapters and will continue with the remaining ones. Rated highly and placed on my WL for further reading. Well done.

A Relative Loss. A Phoenix Lit.Fict. read.
I've read this before, but must have been in a negative frameof mind - or was it because I was expecting a heavier literary read?
Love that picture of the pigs walking like ladies on high heels. And Uncle's head being nearer the ceiling than Dad's (Are you sure this shouldnt be YA?)
What a horrid little boy is Norman - you convey that well, through the dialogue and Freddy's reactions.

#Ch.3-4 now. You get into a little boy's head beautifully well: 'Freddy felt quite different these days, sort of full inside and not just with food.'
What a collection of calamities for Freddy all at once. He seems to take them all in with bewildered equanimity. Interesting that the one with the most impact was the pigs - do you think because they were physically the nearest to him?
And Norman hasnt changed a bit.

Ch.5-6 You understand the immediacy of a child's world, and their simplicity of thinking: 'Freddy tried to remember those words because other people he knew might die soon.'
Then he stood ... out of the way.
And putting on those glasses, trying to make himself into a pale foggy splodge so everybody would see him that way.

Then you've repeated the chapters to make up the word count.
For me, this has the feel of a YA 'short' story, rather than literary fiction. But I see others have thought differently!
With your simplicity of approach, you have shown good insight into the character and world of a little boy.
When are we going to read more!
Jane (Breath of Africa)

YARG/CHIRG
I've read three chapters so far. This is a lovely, gentle tale and I'm really enjoying it.. It strikes me as a children's story as well as one for adults. It reminds me of Carrie's War by Nina Bawden. I read that when I was 12 or 13. So in terms of targeting, it could be one of those books that falls between two age groups: older children and young teenagers. It is beautifully written with some very expressive prose. The characters are well-rounded and believable.
One nitpick:
His painting will be on the walls of every fashionable person" - should that be house?
Great stuff. I'll place on my WL to return to. In the meantime, highly starred.
All the best with it.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Lara, I read this straight through in one sitting and wish there was more to read!

You have captured the voice of these two young children beautifully. Freddy’s reaction to his uncle’s death seems exactly right for a child of that age, who is a little too young to understand what the long-term impact of such a loss might be.

I find it interesting that many of the commentators seemed to take Freddy’s side. Bullies, like Norman are just the product of their environment. But here I am talking as though they’re real people…. That’s how well rounded they are as characters.

Freddy’s fondness for Laurel and Hardy seemed so heartfelt. And the image of a pig clacking around on its trotters, like a woman in high heels is very well observed.

You’ve captured the period detail, mainly I think in the social attitudes – when boys were expected to toughen up at a young age as so many of them were destined for as Norman so charmingly puts it – cannon fodder.

As far as genre is concerned, it seems to me to be much more of a book pitched at an adult audience rather than YA.

Highly starred and on my W/L.
Alison (Lambert Nagle)
Revolution Earth

Yarg Review

Hi there Lara,

I really enjoyed this nostalgic tale. Perhaps it's because I've read other biographical accounts set at this time on here - it felt very real and lived.

I loved the character of the horrible uncle, he was very Roald Dahlesque. A cruel and monstrous, completely biased adult if ever there was one. Your main character is sympathetic and rather lovable as he meekly accepts the twists of fate. The twist in chapter three is surprising and something of a thrill.

I found very little to criticise - which is something of an exception for me - Though I do think that your first chapter is rather a let down compared to the second and third. I didn't particularly like the opening anecdote placed where it was and I thought you would have been better off starting with the introduction to the uncle. Whilst the pigs are clearly an important motif of the book, the opening tells us very little and will really just be confusing for younger readers as it occurs out of sequence without any particular reason.

Still this was a really small point and I loved everything I read and will hopefully find time to keep reading.


Close comments

-first paragraph rather clunky. You want something catchier to pull the reader in and I wondered also if it was necessary to pull away from the chronological order with this little prologue.

Be careful to keep the catch CLOSED on their gate.'
-?

CAMELS' at the zoo.
-assuming there was more than one camel

'Just so YOU know who's Boss,

eat. No-one's got money for pets.
-is the hyphen necessary?

he cried harder, for no-one was thinking about the pigs.
- I loved this!

The heavy rain was like crying FROM the sky.
-if this correction isn't correct, I didn't understand this sentence.


This is almost certainly the shortest comment I've made since joining Authonomy, not because I'm feeling lazy but because there is so little to improve!

An excellent start, highly rated.

Best of luck,

Benedict

YARG Review - "A Relative Loss"

Although this reader appreciates the fast pace, and there are moments when the pacing is fantastic (ie. when Norman and Freddy are playing catch), there are times when it is too fast, not allowing enough time for the reader to relate to the characters and build an attachment. This mostly has to do with the lack of character voice in the prose. The reader is only led to know what the character's are thinking through dialogue and not through prose, thereby keeping their inner most thoughts a mystery. Whether this was intended by the author or not, for this particular reader, I would have liked a little more to grasp onto and hold my attention.

Even though what drives these characters is unclear, the relationships between these characters are well established and defined. The author does an excellent job creating tension, using so few words when necessary, and has gift for descriptive imagery.

There were a few punctuation errors that were noticed. One example would be in Chapter 1, "…will you my dear", this question should end with a "?". There are also some missing quotation marks. And there was a moment in Chapter 2 when the narrator's voice was slightly confusing, "Uncle put the two cousins back to back". It is only the suggestion of this reviewer to consider changing "Uncle" to "Uncle Wal" or "Wal" as referring to "Uncle" makes it sound like Freddy is narrating in first person but then referring to himself in third person when describing the two "cousins". Changing this would help keep the prose clear and smooth, leaving no room for a reader to stumble.

Finally, many of the transitions seemed abrupt. Again, this may be intentional and it is only the suggestion of this reader to possibly put some separation between the paragraphs or end the scenes with a defined, closing thought that would trail to the next.

Overall, this is a fresh and original story which will attract many readers and delight them for hours. Well done.

Michael Hebler - "Night of the Chupacabra"

YARG Review

This is a really fast paced read. Your chapters are short but really well written! The plot overall is very original, I've never read something like this. I really liked Freddy's dialogue, it fit his age really well. I also like how he develops over the chapters with him loosing his stutter and becoming tougher due to the influence of some of the adults. Chapter three was a little hard for me to read just because I'm a huge animal lover. Your descriptions are always so vivid so I couldn't help but imagine the pigs getting stapled.

This isn't the the type of book I would usually read but I enjoyed your writing! Highly Starred!

Hi. This is a YARG review.

Saw your comment, and since I was due a review, here I am,

Pitches - Your pitches work for me - sounded unusual and intriguing.

Plot - again, sounded a bit different to me, while containing all the best elements - conflict, the foreshadowing of sadness. Growing up and learning, an enemy to overcome.

Voice - It really did come over with the boy's voice, even though you are telling it outside first person. You pitch the tone just right for us to know how it is in his head and his experience.

Writing - Nothing to complain about here. Very well written with no errors to list or get in the way. This is a beautifully told story with all sorts of things that make us side with, and like the MC. We know that the pigs are going to feature (and die) and we are rooting for him to overcome his awful uncle and the odious Norman.

Some beautiful descriptions (the pigs and how they walk) and excellent use of language to build a world and all its tensions. I don't have anything to add really unless you want a line by line breakdown. However, I don't see any glaring faults that yanked me out of the read, I simply thought it very accomplished and enjoyable. Like to see more.

Have starred and put it on my watchlist for a future shelving. (I like to leave my choices up for a good long stay, so do have a bit of a queue, but will get to it as soon as I can.)

btw, I just some of your other comments, and Fairisle is one word, so the problem is solved.
Cariad.

YARG review:
This is really well-written- you capture the perspective of a child perfectly, and the reader can sympathise with Freddy's feelings throughout. The theme of death is explored poignantly through Freddy's eyes, and his relationships with the other characters are realistic. I couldn't find anything to criticise here- the writing is flawless, the story original, and I'm keen to read more. Six stars from me- this deserves to do well.
Emma

YARG

Hi Lara,

This is a very engaging story with beautifully subtle humour. I think this would appeal to a wide range of ages. The story flows well, with a good balance of description and dialogue. A real page-turner.

Below are a few points I noted. They’re just my opinion, so feel free to toss them if they don’t work for you.

Ch 1

‘I’ve brought your cousin for you’
Should be ‘I’ve brought your cousin for you.’ ’

‘Norman had a fair-isle v-neck’
This sounds as though he owned a fair-isle. Maybe say ‘Norman wore a fair-isle v-neck’ or ‘Norman had a fair-isle v-neck on’

Ch 2

‘Auntie, ‘people’
Should be ‘Auntie. ‘People’

‘side of his mouth, “A lie’
Should be ‘side of his mouth, ‘“A lie’ (ie double speech marks)

Ch 3

I love the way he cries over the pigs and not his uncle. Perfect.

Ch 4

‘It hadn’t been his idea for them to always be visiting Norman’s.’
But just before that Norman said ‘It was always us visiting you.’ So Freddie never visited Norman’s.

Ch 5

‘in front of him could’
It might be better to make ‘him’ ‘Freddie’ as the sentence before you’re talking about Freddie’s dad.

Poor Freddy. That’s such a sad touch with Freddy and Mr Yeo’s glasses. Poor old Freddy is so helpless and confused, and his family give him no sympathy or understanding.

Ch 6 – 8

These are all Ch 5?

I wish they weren’t. This is a great story and I’d really love more.

This is a beautifully crafted tale, Lara. Great work.

Highly starred.

Sue

great narrative and dialogue does the work here...lnteresting and entertaining...
backed...
read SEASONS...

This is a YARG review

A Relative Loss

In the opening, I love the way you describe the pigs as being like Freddy but sideways on, and walking like ladies on high-heels. Both are brilliant. I wondered if you could add in another sentence about Laurel and Hardy, just to give the reader a moment longer to think that you mean that Freddy was a bit afraid of the comedians, rather than the animals who bear their names?

Quotation marks are missing before “The fattest one’s Laurel.”

I love toughenings-up as a noun. This is one of the nicest things I’ve read for a while!

Socks like vases, cousin like a camel. There’s so much here I like, I’m going to have to stop quoting it all back to you.

“with his words ready.” Love it.

I was initially surprised by how young the boys were, but through the dialogue you capture what it is to be five or six perfectly. The cousin is horrible! I have a character with a stutter in my book too, (and a stutter, for that matter) and I like the way you use it in the story.

I read all that you posted, although Ch 5-8 are all the same. I’m not sure if this is an autho glitch.

The pitch and the title (the title in particular, actually) made me expect a completely different type of book. Your work is so gently funny, character-ful and likeable, but I didn’t know that’s what would be coming. I hope you don’t mind me saying so, but I think they should both be changed.

So, I loved this! I’ll be getting it on my shelf and giving it all the stars.

Lucy

I'm delighted to back this wonderful book. I'll read more of 'A Relative Loss' and comment more fully at a later date.
Nick
'Where She Lies'

Chapters 1-3.
I think most people have had a Freddy-Norman type relationship at least once in their lives. This story captures how a seemingly simple set-up involves a complicated dynamic, a little external force applied in the wrong place by a well meaning hand can disrupt much more than one envisages.
There is heaps of charm, vivid details and an evocation of a certain time with, as I said, an eternal theme.
I'm not a fan of star breaks and wonder sometime if they are really needed.
The freshness and beguiling charm leads to wonder if this is more suited to YA. It would make a soothing antidote to the vampires/end of world stuff. But I would not exclude an adult readership as this is a story to lose yourself in with an perfectly drafted MC of the 'understated hero' type that you can't help but root for.
High stars and on WL.
Thank you,
John

Hiu Lara. I usually only read a couple of chapters of a book, but with yours I went right thru it. Possibly because I was evacuated myself to he country aged 10. Only lasted a couple of days tho. Not the rural type.

Yoor writing has a good warmth and feel for the situations and draes the reader in to empathise witht he character of Freddy. Enjoyed my read. Should do well here. Plenty of stars and will get it on to my shelf when I get some space. Problem with being No5 on the spotters list is that I get inundated with books to read.

Cheers eric

YARG
Hi Lara,
here for our reading swap, thanks again for looking at mine.

You write beautifully, especially capturing small details - socks, trouser creases, curls of hair etc.
There is powerful emotional resonance here too. We feel the injustice that Freddy faces and you've portrayed all the little incidents well, the story playing out piece by piece. The idea feels original and poignant. You inhabit Freddy's POV in a very convincing manner, the voice feels authentically one of a young boy.

Niggles? Just a few, but I think they would really help the reader to feel compelled to carry on reading.
1) I felt that the bit after the asterixes in Chp 1 was a more intriging beginning that starting with the pigs straightaway. The writing after the asterixes really leapt off the page, but the very beginning though good, wasn't as good.

2) Maybe the characters need stronger visual or verbal markers early on, so that it is easier to differentiate. I kept getting Freddy and Norman a little mixed up and I'm not sure why.

3) Being so good at detail, sometimes the bigger picture is a little hazy/rushed. The scene at the beg of Chp 2 when the two boys are upstairs playing is dealt with in 5 lines. That scene feels more important than that. Your writing sometimes feels a little rushed.

4) I'd like more description of surroundings, the house and garden. I want to get my bearings a little. You describe the physical attributes of your characters well, but as a reader I'd like a little more detail about surroundings and place. Also some more sound/smell/texture/taste/colour words would be good, it would help the reader to feel really immersed in the scene.

Hope that is helpful, there was much to enjoy here and I'm glad I came.
5 stars from me.
All the best,
Sharda.

JR,
This period piece woven around a displaced youngster at the time of the Second World War, is intriguing, to say the least. Freddy makes an interesting study as he strives for love and affection in the hands of an elderly couple who try to provide him with a stability his parents never did. The sentences are simple and to the point, the dialogue curt almost and unaffected. A great read, indeed. Thank you so much.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hi
I've read this to ch5 (Wal's death) and find it very convincing and also touching. The writing is very assured and the period feel is just right. The casual cruelty of children is well portrayed although I did wonder if Freddy's parents would be quite so unsympathetic to him. I'm not surprised it has done well elsewhere and I'm sure it will continue to do so. Just occasionally found the description or imagery strained. Socks like vases didn't work for me, nor could I see the mother flicking a swathe of hair across her face - back off her face? did women in the forties have swathes of hair? Also I think walls 'of fashionable person' should be 'of fashionable home'. But these are very minor.
Backed with pleasure.
AliB
A Ketttle of Fish

Dear JR

This is beautiful writing, so full of attention to detail and care for your characters, for Freddy in particular. How well you convey his thoughts and questions. You have given us an affectionate and gentle portrayal of life as a war evacuee, with plenty of real-life interest and wry humour to be engaging and touching.

I loved this, and am happy to rate it high and find a space on my WL.

All the best. Will carry on reading now.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :)

Hi JR ...

I remember reading GFH and commenting before. I will give this a go on my shelf as it deserves backing and rating. I have tried before but the site keeps freezing me out. I enjoyed this before and it is still worth reading again. I really want to give that Norman a slap, he is the sort of child remembered so well from my own childhood. Backed and rated. Regards ... Duncan.

A wonderful read here! Can think when last I got smitten with a story where the main character was a child, but you made Freddy entirely believable for a child without making the storytelling juvenile. Norman is the typical child you love to see get his just deserts for making another child’s life a misery while managing to pull the wool over adult eyes, yet even he too is interesting. This story gave me a feeling of déjà vu in reading about kids like Freddy and Norman and the adults around them, but in a wonderful reminiscent way. Sorry your offering went to only five chapters. Would have loved to read on.

Laugh out loud moment: ‘No more Uncle Wal? How could that be, the size of him?’

JR, this is not a book I would usually have read. But I'm happy you brought my attention to it, you have created very lifelike characters and you have the uncanny gift to portray childhood in a very realistic and understanding way. I'm glad I got the chance to read this, great job!

Sincerely,
Roy Earle.

Dear JR,

This was not my usual read, but I’m so glad that I read it.

You’ve effortlessly captured the insecurities, confusion and petty jealousies of early childhood.
And the generous dose of dark humour made for a thoroughly enjoyable read.

Characterisation and dialogue were both very authentic and the story moved along at just the right pace.
I couldn’t help but read the first five chapters at one go, and look forward to reading the rest of this remarkable story.

I’m more than pleased to award 6 stars to ‘A Relative Loss’ and wish you the very best. It’s really easy to see how it topped the chart on YWO, and I’m sure that very soon, it will embellish the Editor’s Desk on Authonomy as well.

Sincere regards,
AGC

This is a lovely read. There are a few typos as mentioned below and I feel your chapters are a little short (chapters 1 and 2 could easily run together as they cover the same backstory, the same for chapters 3 and 4) - I know it's a minor point but the scenes here are properly immersive and it seems a pity to break them up. You've absolutely captured the confusion of childhood in difficult circumstances - the characters feel real and Freddie is a strong central character. A very easy read and some beautiful turns of phrase in there as well. I wish you the very best of luck with it!

This holds a lot of promise. The characters and the story line engage you from the start. You do have a slight problem with opening and closing quote marks with the dialogue as they are sometimes missing which makes reading slightly odd until you realise a quote mark is missing. I also wonder whether you could draw out the opening paras a bit more as you are introducing several characters and their relationships very quickly. I like the pigs. And cousin Norman is a horror. Your sense of childhood and what is to be a child are very good.

You have lovely flowing and sensitive style and it was a delightful read – which says a lot because I normally struggle reading on computer screens. I will back this when you have a bit more up and I can see a major plot development happen so do get back to me later to have another look. In the meantime high stars. The notes below are just thoughts so feel free to use or discard, particularly the suggestions. You do have a bit of trouble with ‘that’ and ‘which’ that may be worth keeping an eye on. My pet hate is ‘affect’ and ‘effect’ – I must have missed those lessons in school because I always much them up!

Chap 1
- ..pigs for real before. || real pigs before. (just jars a bit for me although it fits the voice of a child so not sure)
- They walked like ladies in high heels (that had two pointy toes instead of one) ?? just a thought
- “Right Freddy………. Cousin for you(”) missing closing quote marks

Chap 3
- ….Norman’s nerves (that) made….. (not which as action continues and it is not an aside)

Chap 4
- “which” should be “that” in …warm bath (which) she
- He lay still, uneasy as the rain slashed against the window (just for flow)
- ….(coming) from Norman’s bed.

Chap 5
- Was Uncle Wal blown to bits? Earlier you said he was in a bus that fell in a hole.
- Ohs and Los || should that be Loss
- ….breathing would sound (loud) || or …. breathing would be heard…
- Where the sick gets splashed on her toe may be a good place to throw back to the way the pig’s feet looked. Maybe: A bit of sick had splashed onto the toe of her high heal. Its point reminded him of the pig’s feet but there was only one point and that clicked off to get clean. (Just an idea)

I didn’t read the duplicate chapters – were they amended versions? If so I will go back and have a look.

All the best with it.
Andrew

A Fatal Misuse of Time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.
Any comments will be greatly appreciated.

Hi Lara,
You have an interesting story there. I like Freddy's narrative voice - it sounds very childlike and real. A bit more details might be nice to flesh out the people involved and what is happening.
Cheers
Ingrid
(The Merry Congress)

Relative Loss. From the pitch, this appears to promise a simple tale. I like the cover, and the reference to pigs in the short pitch.

I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. From that first section, I can tell you know about pigs, and I love the way Freddy regards them as sideways on.
Do you really need the star break, I wonder? You introduce his uncle in a natural way without it.
And you've forgotten to close the inverted commas after 'i've brought your cousin for you.'
Might it be better to say 'Silky grey socks held his calves like vases'? I like the imagery.

Ch.2. I thought Freddy was six - yet Norman says he was only five? Isnt Norman a horrid, manipulative little boy. You bring out his character well.

Ch.3-4. There is a compulsion to keep reading your story, told with simplicity, understanding and charm. I feel for Freddy and his mixed emotions about the loss of the pigs and his uncle. Norman is still horrid, even after the death of his father.

Ch.5. The first part of this chapter moves rather slowly, and perhaps some of the unnecessary bits could be left out, or shortened. Then Norman being invited to call Freddy's father Dad comes as an awful shock.
And the end of the chapter is clever indeed. What goes around, comes around.

This could almost be moulded into a short story, rather than a book. And isnt it more of a YA story, I wonder?
Thankyou for your brief shelving of my book, and I wish you luck with this.

Jane (Breath of Africa)

Here's that read I promisd you, finally! This was a great book. It was simple, child-like, and very sweet. You've done a great job capturing the thoughts of a child. I read all the way up to chapter four, but had to stop there for lack of time. This was a really nice read; I think it will do well out in the publishing world!
Noelle J. Alabaster

Oh Lara. This tore me in two. You have absolutely captured in Freddy a child's logic, his random observation of smell and detail, linking things together all wrong - but in his own way, so right. This is like watching a psychodrama unfold - a real life story, acted out by an adult, about a childhood trauma, so that at first, I couldn't believe Uncle Wal was so brutal and so unfair to Freddy. Later, I realised this may not have been the whole picture of Wal [as he apparently thought the world of Freddy] BUT IT WAS FREDDY'S REALITY. It's a beautiful, though too short, piece of writing. I want to know how Freddy and Norman cope as 'brothers'. And this is not a book for children, so when it's published, don't let them put a child on the cover! [as happened to me]. Let me know when there is more to read. FRances.

Notes for A Relative Lost.

Billeted? I actually had to look that up. Shameful, I know!

‘He hadn’t seen pigs for real before.’ A bit awkward. ‘He hadn’t seen a real pig before (?).’ Does it matter if it’s plural?
‘The pig had lifted its snout.’ We can drop the ‘had’ here, can’t we?

I like the description of the pigs as ladies walking on high heels.

'Right, Freddy. Last saw you as a baby. Five now, are you? Stand up and shake hands like a man. I've brought your cousin for you. Norman had a fairisle v-neck, and shorts with a harsh crease down each leg. Silky grey socks like vases held his slightly curved calves. (NOTE: Missing closed speech punctuation.)

You’re really good at getting down the voices of the children. I really admire that. And it’s enjoyable to read!

What’s the difference between, ‘leaned’ and ‘leant’? It’s a genuine question, Lara. Is ‘leant’ viewed as the more passive form? Is there really any difference at all?

Yes, read it all and I have fond recollections of the opening chapters you previously uploaded. I’m not sure why you’ve decided to upload these later chapters on their own, but it is reassuring to see that the story continues in the same assured vein.

Good luck with the queries. I honestly believe you have a fighting chance with this.

Kind Regards

Iso

Very many thanks. This is actually a short story version coming from the middle of my long novel which I am at this very moment sending out! Any suggested agency/publisher gratefully received. I am debating whether to call it A Relative invasion (which is what happens to Billy from Kenneth) or Good for Him, which is snappier and relates to what Dad thought when he introduced Kenneth.

Good to have your positive review which I appreciate.

Hi Lara/J.R Minet

I've now read all you have uploaded (obviously I didn't read the last chapter 3 times lol) What a really wonderful story this is turning out to be. You know it put me in mind of Bedknobs and Broomsticks, probably the evacuee connections, but more than that, I think, it's the clear characterisation of Freddy and Norman. You have made it crystal clear that poor Freddy is going to have be long suffering at the hands of his cousin, who although appears to be nasty, is only a product of his environment, and in all likelihood is even more vulnerable than Freddy. I will definitely want to read more of this if you should put it up, so please let me know.

As for your writing, it's polished and clear. Written in a narrative that would suit both child and adult, perfect, I think, as a book that one would read out loud to children. You have something quite special here (Lara?) and I do hope you are sending your queries out. I believe there is a huge market for this type of material. The very best of luck to you,

Julie, xx

Hi Lara/J.R Minet

I've now read all you have uploaded (obviously I didn't read the last chapter 3 times lol) What a really wonderful story this is turning out to be. You know it put me in mind of Bedknobs and Broomsticks, probably the evacuee connections, but more than that, I think, it's the clear characterisation of Freddy and Norman. You have made it crystal clear that poor Freddy is going to have be long suffering at the hands of his cousin, who although appears to be nasty, is only a product of his environment, and in all likelihood is even more vulnerable than Freddy. I will definitely want to read more of this if you should put it up, so please let me know.

As for your writing, it's polished and clear. Written in a narrative that would suit both child and adult, perfect, I think, as a book that one would read out loud to children. You have something quite special here (Lara?) and I do hope you are sending your queries out. I believe there is a huge market for this type of material. The very best of luck to you,

Julie, xx

This is a good read - a nice clean writing style with convincing dialogue.
And I have to say, I can't remember this much pig prose since Animal Farm!
It feels like a crossover book - somewhere between a child and adult's book but that's not based on vampires and stroppy teenagers.

Starred and shelved.
Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

A Relative Loss is an excellent historical piece from author J.R.Minett. I find that stories about the evacuation of London during World War II are quite popular and have a lot of cultural significance, and the author here treats the setting with respect and accuracy.

Told through the eyes of Freddy, a young boy who is sent to live in the country, this is a coming of age type tale, where the main character has to grow up and learn painful truths faster than most kids his age.

The character of Freddy is believable and the dialog between him and the adults, and even his inner-thoughts, ring true. It was a treat to see what a kid would think of a situation, and how Freddy noodles out problems and deals with sadness and loss.

I don’t have any real complaints. I would suggest that perhaps A Relative Loss be re-aimed at younger readers. There is nothing in the posted chapters that would preclude younger people from enjoying this book. A few tweaks in terms of language and I think this could be a wonderful experience for a young person, one of those rare books that can influence a life in a positive way.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

I have to admit I'm confused. I got here by way of Lara, wanting to read her stuff in response to her kind comments about Mrs. Job. But this is written by J.R. I hope you can set me straight. Also, I got engrossed in the book as it pulled me on, so I intended to read everything that was posted, but it turned out that 6,7, and 8 were repetitions of 5. All that being said -

I found this very moving, the writing is super, and the psychological view of Freddy is so age appropriate. Of course I felt deep sympathy for him as he suffered his psychological abuse, not really getting that it is abuse.

So, I'm putting the book on my watch list. Please help me with my confusions.

Mrs. Job (Mona)