Chameleon

Chapter 8 -11;

What can I say that I haven't already said? The story continues to progress in the exact same way as before - excellent suspense, plot development and an increasing number of hooks to keep me reading. Everything is becoming more complicated, more entangled and the plot increasingly complex - which are all very positive points and leaves me wondering how on earth does this all resolve itself? You also added, at the perfect time, a hint on the crime she had witnessed.

The development of the plot is pristine. You really cannot improve it. Your writing is of such a high standard and the story so engaging that I'll be very disappointed when I do get to the end of what you've uploaded.

Some points for consideration:

there are times, in these chapters that I read, where it feels you gloss over things - particularly when the fat girl wanting to leave the gang was brought into the office - which leaves the reader wanting more. These sections seem to come in clumps and is a major problem with chapter eight which definitely needs more development of these moments in Claire's life. You could easily make that into two chapters. It is something, I think, which could turn against you when you seek to publish.

Thats my only major point to raise. The other tiny thing is I think you should stop referring to how long Claire has been at the school. It really isn't important and suddenly jars the reader - I know when I write it becomes a habit for me to try and set up a clear time frame but your reader doesn't need it. For me, without those interjections Claire could have been at the school for anything from 2 weeks to six months - and on the whole it doesn't mean anything and is, I found, distracting to mention it.

Otherwise its enthralling and only needs, as I see it, minor adjustment.

Joe

Hi Susan
I read up to chapter eleven, the brutal, beating scene was compelling and I look forward to reading about Claire and her mysterious life. Your opening chapters create a perfect show not tell scenario, I grasped the storyline but was hooked in because each chapter left me wanting to know more...

Your descriptive tone is excellent, the character relationships and descriptions are balanced well and you have built a relevant story that would interest the masses. The demographic for a book like this is huge...

I really enjoyed this read and wish you the best with its journey...

Highly starred
Good Luck
FC

Hi Susan,

I read the opening couple of chapters and they flow really well. You set the situation up nicely, introducing the character and her back story in a way that doesn't feel forced. Well done! I'll be interested to see what happens next...

Sally

Four Movements

very adept effort

Susan,

I've just read chapter seven. I've got to go now and this was quite a long chapter so I'm just going to put my thoughts down now as I think they're quite important.

It was very good overall, but there were some clumsy bits throughout which I think you'll need to address. The opening in particular needs to be rewritten - from the start until the scenes in the school. I didn't really understand what happened in the opening paragraphs and why the neighbour should come over. The conversation about the man felt very unauthentic and you need to bring that in a more subtle way and it felt as though it was deliberately constructed to drive the story rather than part of the character's own world. You could pull it off as it is if you introduce this character prior to this as it felt ok with the nanny.

A minor note I must remember is you want Englishisms - Claire's internal thought on lecturing to college Freshmen, would be first year undergraduates in England. The term Freshman isn't used here.

Again, you could make the conversation with the nanny about the man a little more natural. It might work better if you have Marcus prompt the nanny or add details to her story.

The problems I felt with these two mystery men as I was reading really ruined the suspense you had hoped would come through, I think. The relationship with Steve came across more suspenseful!

They're the only bits you really need to change in the chapter. Everything else worked well - the assembly, the date with Steve - that in particular was very good, and the staff meeting. A very high standard of writing with only a couple of typos.

Will continue tomorrow - am taking the evening off and away from university work and authonomy (which I only do inbetween reading stuff for study and writing for studies).

Joe

Susan,

I’ve enjoyed reading Chameleon so far. Poor Claire, thrust into a tough situation with no immediate way out. I’m hoping Steve helps her out of her predicament and I’m so not liking Brad right now because of his reaction to her call for help.

I did find in chapter 6 where you repeated the same line twice in a row. It begins: “Sorry it took so long to get back to you,” Brad said.

I think you’ve got a great story and I’m sure you’ll do well with it. Hope you can find some time to read Third Time's the Charm and comment, as well. I wish you the best!

♪ Nina ♪

Greenleaf, Sorry it took me so long to leave a comment. I've had Chameleon on my bookshelf since I first joined this site. Great book. Love the characters, especially Claire. I could really relate to her, especially since I'm a teacher in Colorado. Can't wait to read the rest of the book.

I read this book when it was uploaded and have come back for another look. I'm glad I did. I liked it the first time round but I can see how much work you have done to improve your protagonist Claire. I like that you are open and eager to improve your work and it has served you well. I wish you the very best and am delighted to back your book.
Olive.

Hi Susan!

Read the first 3 chapters and took very few notes! The writing is crystal clear, descriptions put me right in the setting. Claire is an extremely sympathetic MC and I think you've really captured the whole fish out of water feeling. I reading that with particular intrest as I'm trying to get the same feeling into mine!

Teh first chapter is a particularly strong opening - it raises a lot of questions as to who she is, why she's there, what has happened, only some of which are answered in the next couple of chapters and so are a great incentive to move on.

The only minor thing that jarred a little was the bit "Was she always so informal....she's known?" seems a wee bit too detailed for a first impression. But totally minor!

Hi Susan
I have just been reading Chameleon and enjoying the premis the book offeres a lot of interesting situations, not least, tackeling a head teachers role in a troubled school but remembering what your current I dentity is. There are a couple of points that i found the first being tha there is an awful lot of 'opened his/her mouth to say something' perhaps you could change the jesture, like they looked away or dropped their eyes to the floor.
Secondly the baby is only three. Not only would a three year old not understand Harry Potter it would be too advanced for his imagination, so you need to change his age or the book you are reading to something more suitable to a three year old.
Also I didnt feel that she was particulary scared of anything other than being found out that she was a fraud. How had she got there who was following watching her? At the moment it dosent read as a thriller. All said I really liked the idea and the delivery and I wish you luck with it.
Sue
Knowing Liam Riley
One Foot inThe Jungle

Very smooth well written story. You can feel your characters apprehension from the get-go at her new life and job. Her introduction to Steve sent alarm bells ringing at first, but there was also sense of a spark in the way he was looking her up and down. Good ending. Without saying it, the feeling was there that Steve was going to volunteer to be her tour guide.

I worked my way through quite a few random chapters and the quality is there all the way through, especially with the dialogue and emotional resonses, or movement as the converations developed.

My only crit is that but for your pitch, I wouldn't know it was a thriller with dark connotations after reading the first chapter. The only way I could think of bringing it back on genre, is to having her being watched from the start, or at least have thoughts that she was being watched, or nervously cautious. The chapter is short enough to add something to the beginning if you were so minded. Maybe a short journey on foot, or in the car and her being paranoid someone was following. Or something like. "For all her paranoia, she could be forgiven for not noticing" blah blah blah. Something like that would give her a reason to be indecisive, besides not thinking she was upto the job.

Highly starred and on my shelf.

A pretty decent read, just from chapter one. Very well written.
Your Main Character seems very indecisive and not some one I would have thought would make a good teacher, never mind head teacher. I'll read on when I don't have quite as much to do, to find out if she really is as damp as she seems, but her personality in chapter one doesn't match her career choice.
Second line, for which, followed by another for which - I've been told (because I'm very, very bad) to avoid this kind of repetition, but you might be ok, since it's just that one. You should ask some one who knows better before taking my advice with it.
Still, a good read!

Hi Susan
I love your story and I've read to Chapter 5. I'm still curious about how plot threads are going to come together. An excellent read and I look forward to more. Your book is on my bookshelf.
All the best
Bridget
The Raod from Makhonjwa

I love your story line! I also love your writing style. Your story is precisely written and very dramatic.
I had no problem visualizing the characters. Well done! Definately backed!

T.L. Doutrich
Lilly and Thomas, Throne of Pidl

I enjoyed reading, Chameleon made my bookshelf!

A couple of minor things I noticed:

The short and long pitches don't really do the story justice. If you tweak them, you might get more readers willing to delve into chapter 1! If you'd like specific details let me know.

I got the feeling that the author speaks proper British English? That's because, here in the States, we would not describe ourselves as "maths teacher" - it would be math teacher. And, we wouldn't say rented a "flat" in Denver, we'd say "apartment, townhouse, or condo" depending on what type of rental it was. If Claire is originally from over the pond, these terms are fine. If not, you need an editor with an eye for detail to help you pick out such colloquialisms.

Anyway, great job, as I said, you're on my shelf and I look forward to reading more.

J.T. Carroll - Bitnapped!

Chameleon

A great book cover and an interesting pitch.
A great first chapter which begins brilliantly.
The whole chapter is written well with no sign of edits.
It has humour, and its informative.
I wondered if I hadn't read the pitch previously, would I have known Claire was on witness protection? but then I looked back and you had mentioned it - good, it needed to be said otherwise the reader would have been completely confused.
Youve written this well and with so much detail, I mean how many people know what procedures there are in witness protection? However its difficult for anyone to say its not realistic too.
A question - do American students actually sit atop cars? I'm amazed. (I'm Engish, never been to America.)
One nitpic - the little boy, okay his very bright, but I think in the dialogue he sounds a little too old for his age when he's speaking. Maybe its just me. But I have a few grandchildren, two pre-school age. But its just my opinion.
Oh and I forgot - I absolutely LOVE the way you describe Claires hair 'like a weeping willow in a pine forest'. And more than anything I couldn't stop laughing everytime Claire called that women, 'porcupine' because of her hairstyle..
I read two chapters but wanted to read more - but as you know its time thats lacking. This book is one that is so entertaining its going to be on my watchlist for a while for a 'my time' read when I've overloaded on writing and return reads. Its a great book and one I would definetely buy - more chapters please!
junetee
FOUR CORNERS, book one, The Rock Star.
..

I have read all the chapters that you have posted at the moment, and I must say that the story certainly makes me want to read on to find out what is going to happen.

I have a few minor comments, observations more than criticisms.

At the start of chapter 1, I don't think you need the line: "Yes, and it didn't help that Claire Constantine wasn't even her real name." The fact that Claire is living under an assumed name is just a bit too much for the reader to cope with this early in the story. The fact that there may (or may not) be a mix-up over her job is enough of a mystery to deal with. We soon get on to the false name and witness protection business anyway, so I don't think this needs to be flagged up so soon.

I do like the way you've managed to weave in little incidents about Claire's (or perhaps I should say Juliet's) childhood. She was already a fully fleshed out character in your earlier version; this gives her yet another interesing dimension. The background characters are all interesting characters too, all are distinct personalities.

I'm not sure if you're still as concerned about UK and US English usage now that Claire is half-American, but I did notice a couple of words that a UK reader would consider very American. For instance, in chapter 2, you use the word "Normalcy". This word would be "normality" in the UK. Also, in chapter 11: To a British reader, the word "gotten" is instantly indicative of American English. A more British wording of the sentence would be: "She recognised them immediately because they had become agititated during the drug search..."

I love the moment where Claire says "fortnight" and has to think quickly to cover herself. Superb.

Tiny typo in chapter 11 where Marcus becomes "Marcos".

At the faculty meeting in chapter 2 there's the line "Were they texting each other?" and at another meeting in chapter 7 there's exactly the same line "Were they texting each other?" I think that would be better with a little variation.

One tiny comment about your pitch: at the end you mention that Claire marries Steve. I would much rather have not known that! I would have prefered to find that out from the story.

Good luck with Chameleon. I already thought that you probably had a winner here, and I'm even more convinced that is the case. I'll have a space on my bookshelf from tomorrow, so I will be more than happy to give that spare slot to "Chameleon".

best wishes and good writing, John

I read the first two chapters of Chamelon and like the way it is unfolding. I will read more to find out what happens next.
Rich McStay

I saw Joe (Dedalus) had backed this and he doesn't backed stuff willy-nilly, so came over to see what changes you have made. Boy! This is very different from before. I have only read chapter one, so far, but the pace is perfect and there is just enough backstory to orientate the reader, but not slow them down. I will be reading on and if it continues like this, I will give it a turn on my shelf. Juliet

Susan,

I’ve read six of these new chapters now. It is so much better in this version and certainly the allusions to her previous life and the WITSEC widen the dynamic of the story and add a lot more intrigue. There is a lot going on in it which keep the reader busy guessing this and that thing. Its very human and very different.

I think you deal with things a lot more subtly in this version and it by far the superior one. All of my previous observations, I notice are now void. You’ve addressed all of them before I had raised them or changed things in such a way that I don’t find issue with them.

The characters are all very good – the introduction of Nancy was worthwhile. All of them feel very real and have a lot of depth to them. The emotions of Claire again are so real that one is immediately sucked into the story. She’s a very likable person, easy to relate to and an excellent protagonist.

I now also see the sense in adding Steve’s POV and it gives a very interesting subplot and breathing space from the main story. Perhaps you could make his suspicions a bit more evident in the first section of his POV so as to make this clearer to the reader.

Overall I have no major criticisms, the story progresses perfectly and I’m very much enjoying it. I have included notes and individual chapter reviews which I made as I was reading. They are mainly just a few nitpicks and observations which you may find useful. But the story is very good and I have backed it. I will read the other six chapters and comment again.

Joe


CHAPTER TWO
Second chapter opened much better.

Was better when the hand grabbed her bum.

Perez. Spanish teacher. Was better.

Oxford English???

“waited until morning” – waited till next day.

Excellent end to chapter two.

Review of chapter:
Overall the chapter much improved with a few minor edits to do. The opening provided back story in a very good manner and the closing of the chapter was much improved – game me a real impetus to keep on reading. I thought the bit with Nancy after the meeting worked well too.

CHAPTER THREE
“He and Frank…could trust.” – sentence too long.

“Mr Jense…” – Mr Jensen; didn’t get it at first.

Section on visiting classrooms unconvincing. Needs more detail.

I was looking forward to the conversation with the Keoghs and there wasn’t one! Please include!

“Mr Owens sent gave them” – fix.

Review:

Chapter three now has some substance to it. It was much better than the original and a lively read. Do include a conversation with the Keogh’s – would be good to meet the parents of the kids and allow a window into the socio-economic setting. But much improved and a great read.

CHAPTER FOUR

Confused about length of time Claire has been at the school in opening chapter.

Excellent end with the grandfather, Full of intrigue

Review:
A very good chapter – the bit with Steve was excellent in terms of tension and clashing her old life with the new, which came at exactly the right time. Very much enjoyed reading it.

CHAPTER FIVE

“Wwhen” – spelling

“asked The Porcupine” – the Porcupine

Absolutely fascinating twist after the board meeting. Brilliant!

Review:
Another great chapter. At the end the sections from Steve’s POV have now begun to make sense why you included them and provide an interesting subplot. I very much am interested in the story now.

CHAPTER SIX

“how sad that that” – how sad it is that

“she relayed the scene for him” – relay seemes a strange word to use to me, perhaps related…to him.

“pajama” – pyjama?

Review:

Again a very good progression of chapter. Completely sucked into the story and the conversation with Ron worked well.

This is my second attempt to leave a comment, as my first mysteriously disappeared as I was typing it!! I am coming to your material completely fresh with no knowledge of what it used to be like. I hope I can provide a different perspective. Obviously all my views are my own and please ignore anything you don't agree with!
I have read the first three chapters so far.
These chapters are very well-written. I love your first chapter in particular. It is gripping and easy to read. It flows well and and at a great pace. At no point do I have to stop and re-read to understand something you have written. Great stuff. I feel for the mc even though we don't know much about her yet. The end of the chapter is neat and tidy. Well-wrapped up ending.
Chs 2 and 3 continue in the same well-written vein. We learn about her new job and a little about the mystery surrounding her appointment at the school. Lots of puzzles are rooted here for the reader to figure out and wonder at. Personally, I do wonder at the end of Ch 2 why she feels she want to ring Brad or the emergency number at this stage. I don't feel I know or feel enough about the danger she is in to understand why she she is feeling so panicked. Perhaps a sentence or two more about how she feels when offered a different job to the one she's expecting??
Ch3 - more information about the school and her fears. Something is hinted at about the day Robinson quit. Does the MC know what happened, as we the reader are not told at this point and she doesn't say she actually knows. Sorry, have we been told before and perhaps I've forgotten?
Anyway, all in all I really enjoyed this and it would be something I'd buy for my kindle or from the shelf. Best of luck with it.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Chameleon. I rather like the title as it is.
It's taken me ages to scroll back to 81 days ago, when I left my first comment!

Ch.1. Thought I'd better read this first. This is crisp writing, and the story moves along with competence, while the characters are beginning to form. I vaguely remember your previous version, and having read my comments, can say without hesitation that this is an improvement.

Ch.5. (where I left off). Is it my imagination, or are there rather too many 'she's and 'her's creeping in? Easily remedied. Isnt John a pompous ass.

Ch.6. Maybe you could check out all the question marks and perhaps eliminate a few. But your story is riveting, and fast moving. Then a pleasing pause as Claire examines herself and does some reminiscing. Then decides to make a go of it.

Ch.7. What a nightmare for poor Claire. I'm not sure the students will take to all those core principles. But let's see what will result from the attempt at discipline.
Methinks Claire is thinking too much. You're handling it well, but dont overdo it...

Ch.8. I've read far more than I intended!

You have the knack of hooking your reader on - and on. I note you've got rid of the unnecessary swear words (only saw one 'bloody' this time).
Thankyou for luring me back, here's some more stars, and I look forward to your read on of mine.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Susan,

I've read the first four chapters. I think the previous version you had uploaded were better. The first two chapters weren't as well written. None of them I felt had the same subtlety that you had before and seemed to provide backstory as often as possible and moved from event to event with great speed. Despite these qualms, the characterisation was very good - as it had been before, and the story remains interesting.

I very much disliked the first chapter. I really think you need to rewrite it because it was very boring in the first half. You opened your novel by spending most of the time talking about why she was hired. It was confusing and irritating and seemingly unimportant as I wanted to know other things, not how a school employees people - certainly drop the section where you talk about how the school does that, I think its completely unnecessary. Also, with this over-emphasis it left me wondering why isn't she thinking about this at a later time, but she just accepts it despite having shown all that concern. You handled it much better in the previous version where it was mentioned in just a few lines.

Chapter two was fine, I felt. It worked largely the same as before and the addition of the son was a good idea. I think it all works better - but the writing still needs to be improved. It was certainly good to get a picture of Susan's home life. BUT the question is immediately raised as to what is she going to worry about when her son goes to school. Surely she should feel some inhibitions when she talks to him and mentions of how he knows more than kids going to school that are older than him. There should be some point where she sees the children in the school reflected in her son.

Chapter three, again needs reconsidering. It seemed to have a clumsy structure where a lot was fitted into it without any real meet. It felt it was just event to event to event with very little exposition. I got lost in it and found it difficult to follow. I think it would work better as two chapter and the pace to be slowed down. I also wasn't too fond of the two segments devoted to Steve and saw them as not being cohesive to the play of the book. I don't think they were necessary or added anything and only separated me from Susan's world. They were far too short to offer anything worthwhile.

Chapter four was the best one. A very good read and splendid writing. The dinner with Steve was interesting - but the best bit was the lead up to the dinner, the way he asked her, the way she responded. All of that was original and high quality writing. It was a great way to begin the romance and I think that was marvellous.

These are my thoughts anyway Susan, I will continue reading but have been slightly disappointed with this updated version. I frankly don't think it is as good as the one before. That said the merits of what I liked about it still shine through and I'll work my way through.

Joe

Hi Susan,
I read the first 5 of your new chapters this afternoon, and I think it is very good, well written, and you really play with Claire's struggle to lie. There is a paragraph right at the start of CH2 that starts with "Yeah... and it is a bit awkwardly written, but other than that I did not notice any gramatical or spelling errors. I think I would have given a little more description of Claire, all I really know about her is she had to cut off her long hair and she looks young. I think I might have made the student body a little more threatening as well as that when she is walking the halls in the empty building, the treat is not necessarily imagined.
The story is very good and engages the reader and the pacing is good also.
Mindy
The Wishing Place

I was too late on the arrival to this site to see the original draft so I can't really comment on the comparisons..but what I have read here is brilliant...like a published article...well done you and all who have supported you on this...once Fran has gracefully ceded her monthy throne to others I am positive your manuscript will reach top notch...and I'm sure others will back me on this..
Highly rated / starred.
David

Hi Greenleaf,

I saw your forum posts about your book's overhaul, so I dropped in to read the new chapter one out of curiosity. I don't recall exactly how the original went, but I think starting with Claire's line, "You're sure this is my contract?" worked better. Calling the woman "the Porcupine" before explaining why she's porcupine-like is a bit bizarre.

Other than that, I think the new chapter one (Autho ch 15) works very well. I'm not entirely sure what's changed since I have a horrid memory, but I can say that what I see here works. Claire's situation and uncertainty is conveyed clearly and cleanly, and the story seems to just roll forward at a natural pace. I get the feeling that this version is closer to the "industry standard" for fiction writing in that sense (more efficient, straightforward writing).

Still sitting happily on my shelf :-)

Cheers,
M.

P.S. This is just my opinion, but I'm not a fan of "Someone is Watching." That makes this story sound more like a high action thriller or chills-and-creeps horror story. While there are certainly elements of intrigue, your story is much more about Claire and her struggle to adjust to her new life than the bad guys she's hiding from... from what I recall, at least. Maybe you've changed it since then, in which case, ignore everything I just said.

Right away I was drawn in to your narrative. It flows so well. Many stars from me.

Sarah (Falling Again)

Hi Greenleaf,
I don't recall any horses in your story, which is the only reason I cannot give you the ILoveHorses' full package deal of six stars, a four-leaf clover, and a lucky horseshoe. However, it is good enough to earn a special stall on ILoveHorses' bookshelf. Neigh, neigh, neigh.

Hi,
I've read the first six chapters of the new version and think you have done a great job. Your writing seems much more assured, the pace is faster and there is a better feel to the start of the book. In the last version it seemed to go on a bit before much happened. Now she's straight into the school and its problems. I also found the hostility from the staff more realistic. Before it felt exaggerrated and she had no allies. Congratulations on working so hard on it and so successfully. I'll try to read more soon.
One little nitpick which I guess is due to editing. In chapter 20 you have a repeated sentence or two when Brad says. 'Sorry it took me so long to get back to you.' Easily dealt with and something that often happens when we edit.

Dear Susan

I've just read the first four chapter of the new "Chameleon" and I think it rocks! Girl, I think you have got this tightened up beautifully. Well observed, very sharp and clean, with excitement, doubt and even some humour in the mix. The whole package works wonderfully well, and I can feel you getting into your stride.

If you want to tighten up even more, I humbly suggest that you focus on the action in the upcoming chapters. Claire's inner reservations and doubts work well to set the backstory, which is very well blended with the earlier chapters. As the plot heats up she is not going to have a lot of time for self examination, though she will need her wits about her, I'll bet.

All the best with this! I love it, and have upped my rating. Congratulations!! :-))

Fran

I read your first three new chapters.

General comments: An intriguing start. Claire is a sharp, forceful central character. I like her and look forward to seeing how she handles the challenges you give her. Effective descriptions. Good sense of place. Simmering tension. Crisp pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) Great opening line. It certainly got my attention.
2) "I guess you'll have to talk to our school board president. Mr. Richmond" Period after 'Richmond.'
3) 'Steve shrugged his shoulders.' Consider deleting 'his shoulders.' What else would you shrug?

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) ' ... even she could misunderstand that message.' Should 'could' be 'couldn't'?
2) ' ... she knew her best chance of protecting her child was within the witness protection program.' You previously capitalized 'witness protection program.'
3) 'She opened her mouth but it was as dry as a desert.' 'Dry as a desert' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresher way.
4) "Goodnight Mommy." Comma after 'goodnight.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) 'An awkward silence filled the air' is telling. Consider showing her discomfort with the silence so vividly the reader will feel it along with Claire. By doing this, you'll pull the reader deeper into the scene.
2) 'She felt awkward.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe her awkwardness so realistically the reader will experience it along with Claire. When you do this, the reader will be plunged further into your scene.
3) 'Weren't all the good one taken' is cliche. Consider making the same point, but in a more original way.
4) "Sit down boys." Comma after 'down.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.

I hope these comments will help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a marvelous day, Susan.

Al

Lose the bristling woman
fragments are lazy (sic)
Not at all bad

WL

JS

I like that I could dive right into this- even though it’s not my usual read. Your dialogue is fresh and appealing and your imagery is right on point- I could easily follow along with the story and not have to focus on my reading- if that makes sense. Claire is whitty and easily relatable- any real person can identify with her.

On my shelf to support fine writing:)

Brittany E.
Melaney and the Mirror

Hi Susan,

we agreed to a read swap back when I joined. I hope my notes help.

I enjoyed the several threads of plot in the opening chapters. Foremost I was drawn into the teaching plot. Without many details of what Claire is running away from, her adjusting to the new job and the horrible staff and students there, is the most most instantly engaging plot line. No doubt the witness protection thread will warm up not much further in.

I wondered if you started off in the most dramatic place. I thought perhaps the scene when she arrives at the new school was more involving, you can always skip back to explain how she was given the job.

If I had to say there was one element I didn't like it would have to be her child prodigy son. The sentence in which his great intelligence is revealed felt extremely over the top - in addition to some already very dramatic plot lines - I even laughed out loud. I think it's just a bit too much and by the time we actually meet the kid I already don't like him. For a start he's reading Harry Potter at 3, and talks basically like an adult, reminding his mother not to drop her Americanisms etc. It was a step too far and a little bit annoying.

Still the plotting in general is very tight and I was eager to read on at the end of the two chapters I read. My biggest problem with your use of language was that you have the tendency to drop into rather formal constructions - many mentioned beneath - which I would personally avoid.

Here are my close observations.

I felt you should put her thoughts and self-instructions - Be careful, Probe for answers - in italics to differentiate from the narrator.

Immaculate clothes, STYLISH/ WELL CHOSEN jewelry, perfect make up.

The woman LOOKED more LIKE a porcupine than a Human Resources Manager.
What had she done to irritate the woman to this EXTENT?

returning his GAZE. Curiosity won. She took in his casual attire: blue and black PLAID shirt
flash his status in everyone’s FACE LIKE most powerful...
I guess that’s what happens when we hire someone sight unseen.” - bit too openly rude
task, considering she had DOUBTS OF HER OWN
They’re both roughly twenty minutes from HERE. Didn’t...
Her only hope was THAT he HADN'T ’t interpretED it that way.
CH2
Claire that her face conveyed her feelings like it was A reflection of her soul.
No one would hear their screams, - cliche
She might as well have HAD SUPER-NERD

Green. She turned the corner and then her mind wandered back into retrospect. - too formal

and they’d driven PAST a homeless man holding
‘extra emotional antenna’ which made her RECEPTIVE to feelings.
“I’m a Spanish TEACHER, Jorge Perez.”

Claire reached out to shake his hand, too, but he looked at her hand and then turned away, avoiding physical contact.
- teachers react TOO strongly, is this realistic?

She WAS wearing her favorite red and white and black striped
It didn’t make any difference whether she considered it from a THE viewpoint OF A PRINCIPAL or from the VIEWPOINT.of a WITNESS IN HIDING

a large walnut desk WITH a worn leather chair between

Well, at least they COULD spell.

you use ATOP twice close together

along with losing one’s self. The lying itself - self x2
afternoon. For those of you WHO haven’t met me yet, I’m your new principal,

make-believe road on the woodEN floor
padded BEHIND Marcus into his bedroom. Pale

But she said I was pulling her leg. - if he's so clever wouldn't he understand this ?

Hope they're helpful.

best wishes

Benedict.

Dear Susan,

I am here for my part of the reading swap, although as I read, I realized I already read a portion of this and commented. But, you have made many changes since I last read! And they are all excellent.

Before, I had left a suggestion for you to make the opening a little clearer. It was hard to understand Claire's situation and what was going on. Now, it's clear she's travelled to Denver to hide from some dangerous people and to teach and was surprised with a principal's position. I see more of her personality early on, that she's horrible at lying and emotionally fragile. The larger conflict, Claire trying to hide from "scumbags," is gripping while the more immediate conflict, working with a bunch of misbehaved students, is emotional and entertaining.

I have some minor suggestions to help you polish this as best as you can. It looks like you'll be at the ED soon, and I want you to have the best chance for publication.

Chapter 1
~ Great grasp of British colloquialisms, even in Claire's thoughts. I've noticed you using this site to research and ask questions to fellow British users. :)
~ The opening is much cleaner. Nice.
~ "...I teach maths...." shouldn't be plural

Chapter 2
~ "...showing it in her face..." Shoving?
~ "...driven past by a..." extra preposition; take out "by"
~ "She had cried and screamed..." This first leads me to picture her screaming out of fear of or sadness for the guy, not because she wanted something so badly. I think "thrown a temper tantrum" or "begged and pleaded" paints a better picture.
~ "I'm a Spanish teachers." shouldn't be plural
~ "She gritted her teeth..." This is the second time this phrase is used in this chapter.

Five stars! I will watch this. :)

-Cassandra Porter
(Love, Death, or the Gift of Happiness)

Hi Susan. An interesting concept and a neat dilemma you have landed your characters with.
The dialogue rings true and makes it easy to speed along and get more involved in what is going on.
Don't see any difficulty in your getting all the way to the Ed's desk with this one. Plenty of stars and I will find a space for it on my shelf just as soon as I can. eric

“…weeping willow in a pine forest”—nice touch. Your dialogue is excellent—sounds natural and moves well. I can hear the characters, but I have more difficulty seeing them and where they are. A little more description, perhaps?

Hi Susan,

I read your first two chapters and I enjoyed the story and you are setting up the element of suspense nicely. I would honestly like to know how it all works out for Claire.

Claire is likable because she is a flawed MC and I think most chick lit readers (even though this isn’t strictly a tight fit for the genre) will gravitate towards her vulnerability. I liked her and definitely attached to her – although there were times where she grated on my nerves. I know she has a skittish personality, understandable for anyone in her circumstance, but all her jumping and face pulling was perhaps slightly over done (this is just purely my opinion, others would probably disagree) That said I think you have a strong premise and from your pitch I think this will go in an intriguing direction.

Best of luck.

Janny

Hi Susan,
I've started to look through your book. Noticed that most of the comments are starting from the first chapters. So no point in going over those. So once I skimmed through them, I started to drop into later chapters:

Chapter 10 - "If so they were doing a bang up job of it" -----She might be murdered, raped etc. By gang members. I felt under the circumstances a slightly stronger word to convey her fear might have been used.

Chapter 25 - "Like vultures circling around a carcass in the road" ----- I felt the "in the road" was not necessary. Not having those last three words, lets you conjure up every vulture hovering around a carcass, in every film you've seen. "In the Road" just suggests roadkill.

Chapter 26 - Excellent

Chapter 27 - Excellent

I also liked the use of swearing in the book. I think this gives it an edge, helps set the scene. And most importantly is not overdone.
Excellent work. I am really enjoying your book. This is a fantastic romp, with a happy ending (I like that). Added to my shelf and starred. Hope to read some more in the next few weeks.

Hi Susan,
I read the first two chapters and quickly got into the story, thanks to the excellent snappy narrative and dialogue. Your MC Claire is a very sympathetic character and feels very real. As such, she is someone I can relate to -- as I am sure most readers will -- based on her self-doubt, lack of confidence, overriding passivity, and her internal dialogue of dread. Also, you really know how to end chapters with strong closing lines, which helps foreshadow what is to come.
A few additional comments:
I am not sure you need the superintendent to say, "I can't stay long ... I have a meeting in fifteen minutes..." That came across as rude for someone who will be a Claire ally, and I believe Claire would already understand that this man's time is prescious. Better to have him say that he has that other meeting AFTER speaking with Claire for a bit, or not say it at all. Just my opinion.
Two faculty members refused to shake Claire's hand--I found that a bit hard to believe, given she is going to be their new boss. One would have been sufficient, perhaps just the first one who gives her the cold shoulder.
Highly starred and I believe I can add this to my shelf in the next couple of days.

Sincerely,
Dean Lombardo
"Space Games"

Hi Susan,

I had some time and read through the first two chapters of your book and I am honestly hooked! This is well written, easy to get into and I immediately felt a connection with Claire. Will be back for more! Highly starred and saving a spot on my shelf for you!

Ashley - The Vedeine Saga: Deception

Hello Susan-
book- Chameleon-

After the line - witness protection- caught my attention- I was drawn in for the read-
After reading the first ten chapters and glanced at some more- have to say , that I enjoyed this read-
I got hooked on Claire's story and most interested as she tries to settle in to the ongoing school happenings-
The potential is there for a gripping finish to this realistic and engrossing read-
There is a definite feeling of intrigue as it kept me glued to the pages-

highly recommended and it get my six stars-
tom bye
book- from hugs to kisses'
If time, obliged if you could glance at mine- thanks Susan.

Good story. I'm still reading but wanted to say I can really relate to the protagonist. I've been in embarrassing situations and I know how she felt when she messed up her introductions. Been there, done that. I'll post more comments later.

This immediately roped me in. Your writing style is easy to follow and flows naturally. I don't have any nitpicks on spelling/grammar - I did not pick anything up to nitpick on!
Your characterisation is very good, from the prickly porcupine, to the guidance councilor, to the unseen (but heard) members of staff that walk out on her meeting, to (of course) the main protagonist, Claire. They are instantly believable and real.
The writing felt very professional and I enjoyed reading this story.

Very highly starred.
Best of luck with this!

Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance

This immediately roped me in. Your writing style is easy to follow and flows naturally. I don't have any nitpicks on spelling/grammar - I did not pick anything up to nitpick on!
Your characterisation is very good, from the prickly porcupine, to the guidance councilor, to the unseen (but heard) members of staff that walk out on her meeting, to (of course) the main protagonist, Claire. They are instantly believable and real.
The writing felt very professional and I enjoyed reading this story.

Very highly starred.
Best of luck with this!

Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance

What a great story developing here! (I'm up to Steve returning to central admissions). I think it reads flawlessly. The start did throw me a little; I needed a little context to ground it. I once was told that to start a book with dialogue was like opening a play with the curtains shut, but hey, I subscribe to put 5 editors in a room with a book, they'd come out with 7 different opinions! It's minor, you soon bring in the storyline.
Very congruent characterisation carries this brilliantly, along with great dialogue.
I like this very much and rated it as so. It will be on my shelf shortly - Ian

I read the first four chapters and I like it so far. It's a very interesting story and Claire is easily believable and relatable. There were a few things I got caught up with, though. When talking about Claire's behavior, I know she's skittish and nervous, but you use the word jump a lot for her reactions. Also, she bites her lip a lot. I would consider changing those our for other nervous habits once in a while. The only other thing I noticed that could do with some fixing would be the flow of it. Sometimes, it flows wonderfully and effortlessly, while other times it seems to be a bit choppy. Of course, it's just my opinion. I really do like the idea of this book and the pitch for it. It's definitely something I'm going to be coming back to read. High stars from me. :)

The pitch had me very intrigued and the first chapter had me hooked in very quickly. I love your pacing and your choice of words and each chapter moves on really nicely. Such a great idea and it's really nice to se this book doing well.
Good luck.
Maya
"Away With The Mountains"

Very enjoyable! I read the first four chapters and thought the pacing was absolutely perfect. The first chapter doesn't even mention the witness protection scheme yet it is dramatic and engaging. You manage to make us interested in the character, get in some humour with the porcupine, introduce the love interest and then in the next chapters introduce family life, describe the scenery and the problem and the school and it all flows naturally!

I have to confess that I then jumped to chapter 20 because I wanted to know what was going to happen. So I read from there to the end (sorry I always do this with thrillers or mystery books though). I think this is a great book. I just found one thing slightly disappointing. I would have like to see the drama of the gang's arrival from Claire's viewpoint as it actually happened rather than have it described afterwards. More exciting!
Staying on my watchlist. My bookshelf is overflowing for quite a while but I will get to it!

Your short pitch is great, it immediately grabbed my attention. I'll be popping it on my watch list!

Zara M.
The Breakup Project

xx