Land of Midnight Days

Kate Jack's writing leads the readers through the story without them ever realizing they're turning pages. Be prepared for lapses in time as Kate places you on the streets, chasing after Jeremiah Tully as if the story is real. This is excellent writing from a highly educated author. Don't miss this. Read it. Then try to tell me it's not worth the six stars I gave it.

Hello
I really enjoyed reading this. The writing is brilliant and I share the same feelings as the other readers. The descriptions are well written with enough detail too keep the reader wanting more. The action is fast paced and easy to follow. The manuscript is clean and the combination of words used adds to the delightful prose.

Thanks for sharing
Jennifer - The Legend of the Travelers: Willows Journey

Hi Kate,
Thought I'd read this as Young Adult Fantasy is just up my street - just like my book Blackthorn. It's great; fast paced, vivid, with just enough detail to create the world without getting bogged down in detail. The conflict between the different races reminds me of the Trudi Canavan novels. Your characters seem to be well thought out and have very different voices, the subtle details you give about their character make them individual and rounded. Brilliant!

Fast paced, atmospheric and exciting! I shot through all the chapters you have uploaded without pausing for breath. In cinematic terms this reads like Lord of the Rings meets The Warriors. Great idea. I keep on saying this but I'm finding far more books here that I want to read than I can in my local library. This is beautifully written and should be published!

Hi Kate!

So far I've read the first chapter but I couldn't wait to comment. Right from the beginning, your writing is heart pounding, edge of my seat excitement. Jeremiah's actions are described so well, I had no problem picturing everything vividly in my head. I love the tone as well. It's very dark and mysterious and I could sense that danger was around every corner.

My favorite thing about it in general is that your book is very fast paced. I think that's a great thing to have especially in a YA book. I have a very short attention span so consider yourself victorious :D

Can't wait to read more! A well deserved six star rating, good luck!

Kate Jack's writing leads the readers through the story without them ever realizing they're turning pages. Be prepared for lapses in time as Kate places you on the streets, chasing after Jeremiah Tully as if the story is real. This is excellent writing from a highly educated author. Don't miss this. Read it. Then try to tell me it's not worth the six stars I gave it.

Kate, http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/toe-the-line.html
Toe the line
Meaning to conform to an established standard or political programme.
Origin

There is some confusion between 'toe the line' and the frequently seen misspelling 'tow the line'. The 'tow' version is no doubt encouraged by the fact that ropes or cables on ships are often called lines and that 'tow lines' are commonplace nautical items.

The earlier meaning of 'to toe the line' was to position one's toes next to a marked line in order to be ready to start a race, or some other undertaking.

Came across the Lending Library so thought I would take a look at your book.

Jeremiah is a character you can get behind and Ezra is one you equally dispise. I did wonder what made him like that though. He seems happy with his greedy lot but then he's drinking whiskey first thing in the morning?? Why? Is it to drown something or is it a celebration of his wealth? I wondered if he could justify his expensive rates because he doesn't discriminate against his tenants. He lets them stay when others would turn them away for their differences.

Typo: 'toe' the line, should be 'tow'.

I would like to have been introduced to Jeremiah's ability to hear people's thoughts during the chase rather than be introduced at a later stage. I agree with the commenter below that asked you to slow it down a little. I think you can afford to without losing pace.

You've introduced an interesting environment and a mute protagonist which you seem to deal with well.

Good luck with it.

Danielle
Blind Fate

Kate,

Came across the Lending Library so thought I would take a look at your book.

Jeremiah is a character you can get behind and Ezra is one you equally dispise. I did wonder what made him like that though. He seems happy with his greedy lot but then he's drinking whiskey first thing in the morning?? Why? Is it to drown something or is it a celebration of his wealth? I wondered if he could justify his expensive rates because he doesn't discriminate against his tenants. He lets them stay when others would turn them away for their differences.

Typo: 'toe' the line, should be 'tow'.

I would like to have been introduced to Jeremiah's ability to hear people's thoughts during the chase rather than be introduced at a later stage. I agree with the commenter below that asked you to slow it down a little. I think you can afford to without losing pace.

You've introduced an interesting environment and a mute protagonist which you seem to deal with well.

Good luck with it.

Danielle
Blind Fate

Opening line is brilliant. It's personal, if you know what I mean, and exciting. I like howyou start off with a bang, drawing me right in. I immediately sympathize with Jeremiah. The world you created could be overwhelmingly confusing, but the way you explain things makes them seem simple (in a good way) and I really like the names you came up with, "Wannabes," and so on. I like how you reveal things one bit at a time instead of info-dumping, which can mess with pacing.
"It's steeple reared toward the sky"--love that for some reason.
Also, "the instrument's voice" is brilliant.
"Their hatred like a black sunk between his shoulder blades" - maybe a different word other than "blade," so you don't use it twice?
All the characters are morbidly intriguing, too. The tone is a bit creepy, but in a good way.
Good stuff.

Krista
Wrong

Opening line is brilliant. It's personal, if you know what I mean, and exciting. I like howyou start off with a bang, drawing me right in. I immediately sympathize with Jeremiah. The world you created could be overwhelmingly confusing, but the way you explain things makes them seem simple (in a good way) and I really like the names you came up with, "Wannabes," and so on. I like how you reveal things one bit at a time instead of info-dumping, which can mess with pacing.
"It's steeple reared toward the sky"--love that for some reason.
Also, "the instrument's voice" is brilliant.
"Their hatred like a black sunk between his shoulder blades" - maybe a different word other than "blade," so you don't use it twice?
All the characters are morbidly intriguing, too. The tone is a bit creepy, but in a good way.
Good stuff.

Krista
Wrong

Opening line is brilliant. It's personal, if you know what I mean, and exciting. I like howyou start off with a bang, drawing me right in. I immediately sympathize with Jeremiah. The world you created could be overwhelmingly confusing, but the way you explain things makes them seem simple (in a good way) and I really like the names you came up with, "Wannabes," and so on. I like how you reveal things one bit at a time instead of info-dumping, which can mess with pacing.
"It's steeple reared toward the sky"--love that for some reason.
Also, "the instrument's voice" is brilliant.
"Their hatred like a black sunk between his shoulder blades" - maybe a different word other than "blade," so you don't use it twice?
All the characters are morbidly intriguing, too. The tone is a bit creepy, but in a good way.
Good stuff.

Krista
Wrong

Opening line is brilliant. It's personal, if you know what I mean, and exciting. I like howyou start off with a bang, drawing me right in. I immediately sympathize with Jeremiah. The world you created could be overwhelmingly confusing, but the way you explain things makes them seem simple (in a good way) and I really like the names you came up with, "Wannabes," and so on. I like how you reveal things one bit at a time instead of info-dumping, which can mess with pacing.
"It's steeple reared toward the sky"--love that for some reason.
Also, "the instrument's voice" is brilliant.
"Their hatred like a black sunk between his shoulder blades" - maybe a different word other than "blade," so you don't use it twice?
All the characters are morbidly intriguing, too. The tone is a bit creepy, but in a good way.
Good stuff.

Krista
Wrong

Opening line is brilliant. It's personal, if you know what I mean, and exciting. I like howyou start off with a bang, drawing me right in. I immediately sympathize with Jeremiah. The world you created could be overwhelmingly confusing, but the way you explain things makes them seem simple (in a good way) and I really like the names you came up with, "Wannabes," and so on. I like how you reveal things one bit at a time instead of info-dumping, which can mess with pacing.
"It's steeple reared toward the sky"--love that for some reason.
Also, "the instrument's voice" is brilliant.
"Their hatred like a black sunk between his shoulder blades" - maybe a different word other than "blade," so you don't use it twice?
All the characters are morbidly intriguing, too. The tone is a bit creepy, but in a good way.
Good stuff.

Krista
Wrong

Hello, Kate!
I'm somewhere in chapter 3, and I'll be continuing on once I get the time to do some more reading. =D The intro is fantastic and aggressively grabbed my attention. This books is like Pringles, and I'm just glad that it's zero calories. =)
Jeremiah jumps off of the page, as do all of the other characters. You portray them richly and it really brings life to this urban fantasy. It has all the feel of a modern, dark swords and sorcery, without the silly roleplay feel. =)
I don't think that I need to tell you how superb your writing is. Its obvious that you've polished this diamond 'til it shined.
-Tamara

your narrative is crisp and stylish,

I enjoyed what I read thus far

Hello
I really enjoyed reading this. The writing is brilliant and I share the same feelings as the other readers. The descriptions are well written with enough detail too keep the reader wanting more. The action is fast paced and easy to follow. The manuscript is clean and the combination of words used adds to the delightful prose.

Thanks for sharing
Jennifer - The Legend of the Travelers: Willows Journey

Hi Kate,
Thought I'd read this as Young Adult Fantasy is just up my street - just like my book Blackthorn. It's great; fast paced, vivid, with just enough detail to create the world without getting bogged down in detail. The conflict between the different races reminds me of the Trudi Canavan novels. Your characters seem to be well thought out and have very different voices, the subtle details you give about their character make them individual and rounded. Brilliant!

Fast paced, atmospheric and exciting! I shot through all the chapters you have uploaded without pausing for breath. In cinematic terms this reads like Lord of the Rings meets The Warriors. Great idea. I keep on saying this but I'm finding far more books here that I want to read than I can in my local library. This is beautifully written and should be published!

Hi Kate!

So far I've read the first chapter but I couldn't wait to comment. Right from the beginning, your writing is heart pounding, edge of my seat excitement. Jeremiah's actions are described so well, I had no problem picturing everything vividly in my head. I love the tone as well. It's very dark and mysterious and I could sense that danger was around every corner.

My favorite thing about it in general is that your book is very fast paced. I think that's a great thing to have especially in a YA book. I have a very short attention span so consider yourself victorious :D

Can't wait to read more! A well deserved six star rating, good luck!

A beautifully written fiction piece. The writing was solid and the story kept me interested. Well written. I am looking for this book to get to the ED very soon. Young adults around the world will appreciate your writing as well. All the best to you.. Highly Starred and backed with pleasure......

Mmm, interesting. I really like the narrative, it grounds the urban setting while not taking anything away from the flow of the story. Character development through the dialogue also adds brilliantly. Hope this does well - Good luck!

LAND OF MIDNIGHT
This is an interesting read. You’ve designed an interestig fantasy world for tehe setting of this story. Jerimiah is a likable character from the start; he’s becomes sympathetic when it’s revealed he’s afraid to play his flute (hard to believe that would annoy someone; my neighbor’s son plays drums; now, that’s something annoying). On top of a good setting and good characters, I like your writing style. It’s clear and sharp and easy to read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

I only had time to read through the first chapter but it completely captured my attention and made me want to read on. I liked your character Jeremiah right from the start. You are a very good writer and I enjoyed your story very much. Blessings, Lacy

Hi Kate,

Firstly, I agree with the comments below. This is definitely one of the best here in Authonomy and deserves a spot at the ED very soon.

I read the first chapters and here are what I like about it:

1. You did great in developing your characters. It's easy to understand them, especially Jeremiah. He's different and unique, in a good way.
2. The opening chapter is dramatic. I felt the intense emotions you've put together in it. I liked that so much and sometimes, it's difficult to find that, even in good books.
3. It's fast-paced. I hate getting bored. You didn't let me get bored.
4. The entire concept is original and one to watch out for. I hope you do better here in Authonomy each day.

I hope the comments above help. I really did enjoy this. Five stars from me.

Di - My Beautiful Stalker

Hi Katy,
Read your first and second chapters, and here are my thoughts:
The premise is good, I like that you have a solid grasp on why your character is different, and why we should care that he is. I don't think I've ever read a story with a mute musician, and that's an accomplishment all on its own - fresh characters are crucial for fantasy fiction. I'm really looking forward to see how you use that flute, very nice bit of tension there.
Now, for the writing - I thought I'd never have to tell this to anyone, as it always had been my problem in the past, but you need to SLOW DOWN ;) really, I tend to write fast-paced, too, so it's almost ironic coming from me.
The chase in the beginning of the story is dramatic and is a good opening, but I need a little bit more of it before we get to the preacher. They are separate elements, and very interesting elements at that, and I would like more time to enjoy both of them. Especially the preacher - by describing him, you could instantly describe the people he's advocating against, cause they would the opposite of him, right? I would like to know who he means by hateful words. As far as the chase, give the reader a little more time to be worried for Jeremiah, throw couple more obstacles on his way, make him work for his escape. Is he clutching his flute? Is he fast/acrobatic? is this his first chase? does he know where to run? does he try to not lead his pursuers to where he lives? - or does he, by error, which makes it a problem later? action is a fantastic opportunity to weave in information, it feels more natural than dumping in one place on the reader.
But, really, like I said, the concept is almost half of the work, and even if you don't complete this project I would consider resurrecting this particular character in another work. Best of luck to you.

Elena - "Oko"

Kate,
This is the same fast pacy writing I remember, full of descriptions of desolation and ruin. You capture the atmosphere of abandon in so many ways, the kids chasing through the old factory, Jeremiah’s squalid building, the disfigured child at the window, the emptiness of it all. You paint a very bleak picture. Then you bring Jeremiah’s silver flute into it, a piece of beauty in so much ugliness.
Jeremiah is a sympathetic character, a nice kid in an ugly world. You create a lot of mysteries surrounding Jeremiah’s origins, his mother, his brother, the Elwyn people, the stranger in the factory, but also about the world we’re in. It can’t all be unpleasant, and I would like to hear about the ‘golden place’ Jeremiah hints at when he first takes out his flute.

Why is it it’s impossible to make bars seedier than they really are ?

Just one typo I noticed chapter 6 third para first phrase, missing word.
‘About try again’

I’m not entirely convinced Jeremiah would have asked Ezra about the man he was talking to since he’d just said he didn’t want Jeremiah to find out about him. By asking the question he is simply letting Ezra know that he overheard a conversation he was never intended to hear. Wouldn’t he just have followed Ezra to his rendez-vous ?

Nice nasty ending to your upload. Just to get the crowds clamouring for more ?

I still think this is a great story – I was hoping there’d be a bit more of it !
Jane

ooh very interesting!

This is a fascinating story. Just the thing for a young adults - something new and edgy.

a strong premise, makes the reader wonder what will happen to jeremiah. good story building and concise writing. well worth a read.
j
what every woman should know

I want this book in my hands! That's all I can say. Even the cover caught my eye from the start. This is something I would pick up in a heartbeat!

Really enjoyed reading your book. Started this afternoon and found it very addictive. The writing flows really well, and you show you are a natural storyteller. The language is pact and sharp, which adds dimensions to the text. The plot is very strong and I was drawn in very quickly. Rated highly and will recomend. Will continue reading. Well done

You've created an intriguing world of violence and danger. Jeremiah battles to survive from one day to the next, while Wannabees and Gangers are a constant threat. He can't even find peace in his own living quarters. The only light of hope in his life is his flute. I love the mystery of the flute and musical notes. I can sense that music is an important theme in this story, and that the flute is the key to Jeremiah's survival. With all the delicate threads of mystery you've woven into this story, I'm anxious to see how it all plays out. An excellent read!

This book is terribly GOOD! This is something my nephew would read and enjoy greatly! I have given you a high star rating and put it on my WL to finish and it is my hope to shelve at a later time. Ilook forward to watching this book get to the editors desk.

Kate~

Initial thoughts through Chapter 3:

Overall, you have the bones of a great story here. We are learning about Jeremiah and his world as we go, but these revelations are coming in fits and spurts. Something about the pacing seems a little ragged, too leisurely.

Plenty is happening to Jeremiah, but for some reason I'm not connected to to the MC yet... He isn't thoroughly fleshed out in my mind. I have a better grip on Ezra's appearance and personality than I do on Jeremiah's.
[BTW: I absolutely LOVE the physical description of Ezra. It is rich with imagery I can see. If you can do the same to crystallize Jeremiah in my mind, you'll have it nailed!]

A few cliches jumped out at me: "hanging on every word", "along for the ride", "took to his heels". If these are intentional for your 'voice', then by all means, keep them. Sometimes they slip in for lack of more original words at the initial stages, and we have to usher them out and replace them.

You have a good page-turning transition between Chaps 1 & 2, and between Chaps 3 & 4. The end of Chap 2 could use a little more spice to encourage the reader to keep going.

Here are some more detailed areas that could use some polishing. I stopped recording these once I got through the description of the church in Chap 1. (You can have more if you want ‘em…)

Content Detailed Crit:
- I would suggest the removal of “seemed” to reconstruct the sentence as: “…the crowd surrounding him hung on his every word.” This gives the power to the verb “hung” instead of that weako-verb “seemed”! 
- Is there a missing “but” here? “…the once nomadic tribes of Elwyn, BUT he’d compounded…”
- In the sentence: “…with a sob, he fled.” Is there another word that can convey his sound better than “sob”? Maybe it’s fitting to the character, but tt seems off to me…
- Can we kill the word “surface”, and say, instead: “…pipes littered the flat, waterlogged roof.”? This streamlines it without a need for the redundant synonym.
- Revising this line removes an extra “and” in the sentence: “…it caught him across the midriff, and he went down, taking two others along for the ride.”
- “…from across the way.” How about: “…across the GAP.”?
- Look for the many places where you have “…and then…” written back-to-back. Usually, only one of these two words is needed for the transition.
- “…graceful arches of the windows clung on to remnants of their original beauty.” Is there a more captivating word/phrase that can replace the clunky “clung on to remnants”? Perhaps: “echoed”, “were reminiscent”, “soared with the memory”? The image of this line begins so magically, but gets bogged down in the middle.

Mechanics Detailed Crit:
- Single quotes (‘) are used. Convention states that double-quotes (“) be used for dialogue.
- There is an unneeded space where I have inserted an X: “…arms raised high, ‘Xjoin me in my cause…”
- Hyphenation rules are tricky, as they are not as hard and fast as most other punctuation guidelines. Since it is a compound-word, I would change “demon possessed” to “demon-possessed”.
- When emphasizing material in a sentence, us an em-dash “—“. This double-dash should touch the preceding & following word with no spacing between them. “…tried to gauge the distance—maybe ten meters.”
- There are a few extra commas, and a few missing ones throughout the text. (Those pesky commas!)

I definitely feel that you have some room to further edit the content. Hone that story down to it's most-precious elements. There is a definite need to solidify Jeremiah early on. As for the mechanical issues, all you need is a friend with a good editorial eye to kickstart the cleanup.

Now, get on it! make this thing shine. :)

~Lucas
http://www.authonomy.com/books/41102/capritare-the-cycles-begin/

I read all of this and liked it very much .. :)

Hi I've read the whole of chapter one and I enjoyed it (though I'm not entirely sure where the story's going) but some bits of it are a bit rough. And you could "show" rather than "tell" more in some instances of description. Having said that there are several pieces of writing that I really like, which I have mentioned below. I have listed a number of suggested alterations - I hope you'll find the time to check these out and let me know what you think.

James


****


"demon possessed" - hyphenate: "demon-possessed"
"there was no doubt" - "there could be no doubt" ?
"took to his heels" - isn't this a cliche? how about "took to flight" ?
"they'd chased him" - I would say "they had chased him"

"dark, narrow streets" - maybe a bit more showing here, since this urban jungle is the setting for your story. Words like "claustrophobic" and "labyrinthine" are effective, they give the reader an impression of the "feel" of the streets and their impact on the character, how they make him feel. Here's a description of some streets in my book, chapter five: "They set off, Tom and Rosie scampering ahead, plotting a course through the spider's-web of streets that tunnelled, twisted and wound their way in complex labyrinthine patterns around the feet of the Palace, which was always visible above their heads." And here's a description of the buildings in those streets: "The looming houses, with their steep slanted roofs and dark wooden beams, silent doorways and lightless windows, separated by a narrow cobbled-stone street, seem to frown and hover and scowl about him."

"until he spotted" - how about "until his eye seized upon"

"he hauled himself up, hand over hand, until he reached the roof" - how long does this climb take? You say later it's fifty metres above the ground, so it's a heck of a climb. It's bound to take him at least a few minutes. You could develop this section a bit more, give the reader a sense of his weariness, since he has just been running, his fear, his sense of urgency: "He hauled himself up, hand over hand, heart hammering against his ribs, arms weak and trembling, knees shaking from the exhaustion of running, until he finally drew near the roof, and with a final effort pulled himself over it"

"tall slender figure hunched over" - "a tall figure hunched over"

I like "onslaught of vertigo" but I think "fighting back" is better than "fighting off"

"No use calling for help. Even if he'd been able to, no one would answer" - "There was no point calling for help, he knew. Even if he had the strength to, no one would have heard, and if they did, no one would answer."
A ten metre jump? Are you serious? This brings to mind the scene in The Matrix where Trinity is being pursued by the Agents and hops across buildings. Unless your character has some kind of superpowers or extraordinary athleticism I doubt he can manage a ten metre jump! Ten feet would be more believable; I would stop at fix or six feet. Most people evenwith a good "run up" wouldn't be able to jump a greater distance than their height.

"curled into a foetal position" - I just wouldn't have this; foetal position means cowering fear and really your character here is just stopped short of breath. How about: "He landed hard and winded, the breath knocked out of his lungs."

"A string of curses drifted from across the way" - I like "a string of curses drifted" but "from across the way" sounds a bit amateurish; just "from the other side"

"Gathered from the periphery of the roof he'd just leapt from" - reads clumsy; "Gathered at the periphery of the other roof"

"but didn't dare follow" - "they were too afraid to follow"; "they knew they could not jump the gap."

"retained an air of faded elegance" - I like this!

"its once fine structure full of overgrown bushes and nettles" - how about "its once fine structure a forest of bushes and nettles." That's using fewer words, the word "forest" is more descriptive and it implies overgrown

"clung on to remnants of their original beauty" - "clung to", you don't need the "on"; "remnants of their original beauty" is a nice phrase but how about "age-faded beauty"

"The wind whistled through the ruined interior as though mourning its demise" - another fantastic and evocative phrase, here's how it might be made even better: "The wind whistled through the ruined interior, echoing in that vast and desolate space, as though mourning the building's demise."

"making the little rhyme sound more like a funeral dirge" - I like this! Don't use "intoned," you used that earlier. "Chanted" might be better

"They'd set the fire that had not only disfigured her, but also taken her sight" - "They had set the fire that not only disfigured her, but had also taken her sight"

"knew the reason why" - this is tautology: use either "knew why the little girl..." or "knew the reason the little girl..."

"forcing the warped front door open" - again, I like the descriptive word "warped" but how about a little more description of the door before he opens it? "The door was warped, brittle, aching on its hinges. He forced the thing open; the exercise did not take much effort."

"breath-taking beauty" - don't like this; show more here. "The silver pieces glittered with unearthly beauty, their colour and dazzle altogether alien in that drab, brown place"

"turned it slowly round and round" - "turned it over in his hands, slowly"

"staring in wonder" - "His eyes were captivated by the Elwyn music notes engraved on its surface, he could not bring himself to take them away"

"He knew, from what a friend once told him..." - this is clumsy sentence structure: "He knew from a friend's warning that they were the key to something powerful and dangerous" or "A friend had warned him once that..."

"Jeremiah had never been able to bring himself to play them, afraid of what would happen" - this is better: "Jeremiah had never been able to summon the nerve to play them; he was afraid of what might happen"

"Maybe one day soon he would, just not yet" -"Maybe he would one day soon. Just not yet."

"The melody was in two parts..." - "There were two parts to the melody. The first was a sonorous march that would sweep the listener way; the second demanded absolute obedience of mind, body and soul."

"All too aware of the consequences if he did" - shorten to "Knowing the consequences if he did"
"struggled to resist the temptation" - here's a choice phrase of mine: "the temptation was gnawing at him"

"Life held so little to be glad about, so little to forward to" - "There was so little to look forward to in this life, to be glad apart. He glanced down at the instrument." [The following should be expressed in italics, as a thought:] "Except for this."
"He'd been shoved around... he'd never been allowed " - change both these to "he had"
"came into his possession" - "fell into his hands"
"numb from the cold" - "his fingers were numb, unfeeling. The bitter bite of the air had stopped the blood flowing to them"

"out of sight, out of mind" - this is a cliche, I'd avoid it

"His face twitched" - how about: "A muscle in his face twitched."

"what'll you do then?" - "what will you do then?"

"On and on the inner conflict raged..." - I like this phrase but it could be so much better: "There was a conflict of wills inside him. Temptation strove against common sense. At last Jeremiah could stand it no longer. Temptation won."

"would only make his situation worse" - "would only darken his situation"
"There were other things he could do too" - "He had other talents"

"sometimes found himself in other people's thoughts" - "sometimes he found himself..."

"able to see and hear their memories as if he'd been there" - better: "able to see and hear their memories as if they were his own"
"The drawback was the sounds and images were always traumatic" - "the drawback was that the sounds and images were nearly traumatic. Last night, for instance."

"As he'd fled his tormenters..." - "As he fled his tormenters, his head had become filled with their feral longings. The Wannabees' inner voices clashed and tangled inside his mind and added to his terror"
(I like "feral longings")
"their hatred like a blade sunk between his shoulder blades" - I like this phrase but I don't get "shoulder blades." Why shoulder blades? How about: "their hatred pierced a spear into his heart"? Just one suggestion
"they helped transcend the misery that was his lot" - I like your use of the word "transcend" but "that was his lot" seems a bit clumsy; how about "the misery that filled the rest of his life" or something to that effect

"From beady eyes, still puffy with sleep..." - "With beady eyes puffy from sleep, he gazed around the bare, damp-patterned walls and breathed in heavily."
"formed part of who he was" - better would be: "was part of his identity"

"cavernous yawn stretching his jaws" - I like this!
"tried to gather energy enough to rise" - how about: "tried to summon the energy to rise" or "tried to muster the energy to rise."
"Another bloody amongst the damned and stupid..." - "Another bloody day among the damned and stupid, he told himself. Still, it did present certain opportunities..."

"Owner of the dwelling" - shouldn't this be "property" ?
"he charged exorbitant rentes to occupy the rats' nest, laughing labelled a boarding house" - change to: "he charged exorbitant rents to occupy that rat's nest, which he called a boarding-house. What a laugh!"
"They were out; simple as that" - "They were out. He had no pity, no mercy. Simple as that."
“accommodation was hard to come by” - “hard to find”

“No one knew Ezra’s age; he didn’t himself” - “No one knew Ezra’s age. He didn’t even know himself”
“Ever since he’d arrived in this city...” - “Ever since his arrival in the city, a good few years ago, there had been gaps in his memory.”
“He found it hard to recall his life before he came here” - “He found it hard to recall aspects of his previous life.”
“Grabbing money from whatever source he could got him out of bed in the morning...” - here’s a better phrasing: “Getting his hands on whatever money he could in whatever way was his sole purpose, his raison d’etre. It was the only thing that roused him from bed in the morning. It made him ruler of his destiny and master of his own life.”

“rubbed at his face” - changed to “rubbed his face”
“raked through” - just “raked”
“low slung forehead” - hyphenate: “low-slung forehead”

“The man’s decrepit facade...” - I like this paragraph but it could be made sharper; “The man’s decrepitude was deceptive. If ever an ogre existed, it was he. He was a bully and welcomed any opportunity or excuse to fight. He never stopped at beating an opponent, he more than usually broke a limb or two as well, as a lesson. He delighted in his reputation. Fear, he knew, was the force that turned the world. For him, it was meat and drink.”

“swung his legs out of bed” - how about a bit of description of the weight of the man’s legs (since I gather he’s heavy),

“A bottle of whisky was snatched” - this is passive tense, change to active: “A hand reached out, snatched a bottle of whiskey from a nearby table”

“Breakfast over” - “breakfast done with”

“an expression of fury etched itself upon Ezra’s face” - this doesn’t work. Focus the sentence on the character. “Ezra’s face convulsed in an expression of fury.”
“’Shut that darn row up!’” - how about: “’Shut up that darned racket!’”

“Unabated, the music continued to drift through the house” - you’ve just used “drifted” so use a different verb; start the sentence on “the music”.

“Ezra dragged his carcass” - I like this wording but I don’t think it’s appropriate, just change to: “Ezra dragged himself up flight after flight.”

“he hesitated; best go easy.” - “Best go easy” should be start of a new sentence; you don’t need a semi-colon there. Should be: “best go easy, he told himself.” (or “cautioned himself”)

“He sighed; easy it was then” - not exactly sure what this means.

***********

I agree with Jim this is one of the must-read books! A very original book, excellent writing, and great pace. I loved it!
Thanks,
Scott

I really like this. I saw your thread and it interested me, and I was so glad not to be disappointed! I got swept into it right off, and I have a few comments about it. First off, I appreciate the balance you acheive here with throwing new info at the reader without overwhelming them or making it confusing. You played with the line a little bit, but I don't think you crossed it because I never felt lost - just intrigued.

The only place you did throw me was when he pulled out the flute. I originally confused the fact that he hadn't played the notes on the flute (which at the time I had pictured as a few random notes put on for decoration) with whether or not he'd played the flute itself. A quick re-read clarified that the notes were an actual piece of music. My mistake, but I thought you'd want to know that it confused me.

I plan to read more, and I'm putting this on my shelf! I think it's really well written. I'd love for you to read mine and give me any feedback you might have. Good luck!

Vieve
(Republic)

One of the 'must-read' books here. Original, thoughtful and entertaining.

Hello Kate
I’ve just finished this. Great piece of work, fine story telling and too well polished to nit pick. It has all the elements of a good story: strong characters, vivid setting, enough questions and mystery to retain suspense, and good dialogue.
I’ve given it six easy stars and put it on my watch list. My shelf revolves very slowly but it certainly deserves a place. I’ll keep you in mind.
If you have the time I’d appreciate your thoughts on either of my books, though Wormholes shares some similar themes with Land of Midnight Days.
I wish you the best of luck with this, it should do very well.
Jane

This is a wonderful book - one of the best, if not the best, fantasy on here.

I read it when it was here previously and am dying to see the revisions you've made.