Sage Courage

Wow, Heather!!

I read five chapters in one sitting this evening, and I am going to read the rest. What a story! Confident, realistic, painful and engrossing. Just four words. But there is real depth too, in the details, and in your incredible observation of a scene. You are a truly gifted writer.

I was a little confused by the children's names and the dog all starting S. I know you are making a point, but is there some way to better differentiate the children, for the sake of your readers? Also, I felt your first chapters was halting, at the start. The first paragraph could be pared down, shortened.

But this is, without any doubt, one of the most gripping, engrossing and heartfelt stories I have read on Authonomy. Six stars - I wish I had more - a place on my WL and promotion asap. You go, girl!

Fran xx :-))

Kia ora Heather,

You have impressive writing skills -the way you 'paint' the landscape is wonderful - effortlessly done and with a unique style. There are many small gems here- "his hand felt like it had square edges' was one that stuck in my mind. You also set the tone very well, your writing style almost has the pace of driving...nicely done. My only pointer would be to not try to say too much in one sentence - some of the sentences get a little unwieldy -but nothing that can't be ironed out easily.

This is one to watch-I'll be back for more
Highly rated and recommended

Kaal Kaczmarek

You are obviously an experienced writer, Heather. This is highly readable stuff, edited to a very high degree (I only found one typo, 'wonder' instead of 'wander' after "enough gas"). Yes, classics like The Others and The Children of the Damned do spring to mind, but I think you've got something pretty special here. The stark, bleak prairie setting with its brooding mountain backdrop really grabbed me. What on earth are a host of creepy children doing out here? And why is Leila seemingly fated to look after them? The show-don't-tell in your first chapter is masterful, drawing the reader ever on to find answers. Where the story does fall down a bit, imho (and I know this is WIP, so I guess you don't mind me saying) is the "slow start" mentioned by other commentators. There are some brilliant descriptive passages here, but rather too many to engage the general reader. A short snappy opening (oh, I don't know: "She had been driving for days. Away from him. Away to freedom") might provide a necessary hook? Same goes for the long drive to meet the children, which is a bit too long - the first deer-like animal is okay, but the second mongoose-like creature was (again imvho) just too much! I LOVED the occasional comic literary flourishes (The bell rings, the dog slobbers!) and alliterative asides (The peak was pocked with rocks), and the whole 'frying pan into the fire' situation poor Leila now finds herself in is full of dark promise...

Six stars* for this sterling effort, and hope to shelve after your next edit.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

(*this will show up as 4.03 on your book shortly)

Heather,
What a bizarre and interesting beginning. I once read somewhere that you should never open with a trip to anywhere, start when you get there. But I'm glad you didn't read that. I enjoyed the trip. Will try to get back for more. I'm a slow reader and this site has so much to read, its rather overwhelming.This beginning made me feel how lost and desperate Leila was.
I like your writing, your choice of details. I really felt the endless sameness and then the strangeness of it all. Have to see these children, those people were really in a hurry to leave.
Good luck in your writing,
Janet

I will say this; your story has “voice”, but I found your style of writing, your description of Leila's surroundings, sparse, tedious, tiring and prolonged.
Not everyone knows what monochromatic means.
Everything sounded “overdone”.
“In the farthest distance”, which I read as ‘the horizon’ -- as you can’t get any farther than that – is a strange description, “In the distance” is enough.
Also, punctuation is not one of your strong points.
Your sentence structure is jerky; the sentences pop up from nowhere, too many short ones.

You give a good MC character description; about her determination to persevere.

It sounds like she’s running away from something; poverty maybe.

“…not jittering in place.” That threw me!!?

You forgot to mention she was phoning her perspective employer in the shop. (Jumping around.)

The fact that she felt dominated by the man, but is so desperate for work that she is forced to trust him; came across well.

Blond is an adjective. Blonde is a noun.

I started the second chapter and found you still kept reminding the reader of the MC’s name.

Apart from your style, I enjoyed the story content.

If this is your intended style; then stick to it, but consider trying not to be vague, readers aren’t mind readers, and most of them have a short attention span, which means they become bored easily.

By the way, what does Leila looks like, you didn’t describe her, how old is she, and what’s she wearing?

You shied away from the “mirrored description” at the Land Title office, there’s nothing wrong with that, if you do it right, don't overdo it, aloow it to pertain to the situation -- “…and a tired-looking woman, wearing (an old tattered dress, hair askew,) stared back at her, or “…her appearance shocked her; boy, she looked a real mess, especially her wind-blown hair.

Sure, you have typos, but who doesn't.

Homophones haunt me when I right (write).

I agree with the other comments. There 's good advice there.

I would like to add that you have a vivid imagination

I don’t have a great deal of time, so I will shelve this and read more as I am interested in the outcome.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck.

Hi Heather,
I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth.
I love your short pitch, and I rarely say that. It’s clean, hard-hitting and active, and a definite hook.
“with no idea how many children…” Might consider revising, as it could read like Bill Colvin doesn’t know how many children she has to care for.
Replace the emdash with a hyphen.
This is a strong pitch, but I think some of the sentences are too crammed for a pitch. To make them more hard-hitting and effective, I’d suggest parsing them out a bit.
Chapter One
Add a comma after “Above Leila.” Or, a better option might be to make it active voice (“Clouds roiled above Leila along the bottom of the overcast…”)
The imagery is very powerful, but the adjectives are a bit overdone. It sort of turns into a list the reader has to trudge to in order to get to the story. Not a biggy. I’d just suggest whittling it down to make it cleaner.
I don’t think “indistinct” is the word you’re looking for. It means cloudy, but in the sense that something is unclear to someone, not in the sense that there are clouds in the sky.
I’m having trouble seeing what “gray-green” bushes look like, as these are contrasting colors. Descriptions should be clear so that they enhance the story and don’t serve as a distractor to the story.
Watch the excessive wordiness—“The bushes changed not at all with distance…” First, that’s a bit clunky. Second, couldn’t you just say “The bushes did not change with the distance?”
“stunned by the sameness” Sameness of what?
“duskiness of midday” I get what you’re meaning, but you might consider rephrasing, as dusky makes people think of dusk, which is a contradiction to midday. Maybe, “She was surprise at how gloomy it was in the middle of the day.”
Your story is gripping, and you have a great sense of pacing without revealing too much too soon. A great sense of invoking a sense of drama in the story that captures the reader immediately. Well done! My biggest suggestion is to be careful with your imagery. Some of it is absolutely sensational. Some of it needs work. I think at times you might try too hard to make something that’s very simple sound poetic and dramatic, but sometimes it’s best to just say what you want to say in shorter and crisper sentences. It’s a tough balance. I struggle with it too, but additional scrubs with this in mind will really help make your descriptions pop. That will make this already wonderful story that much more powerful. Reading aloud (something I do myself) could be beneficial.
A wonderful start. Best of luck!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Hi Heather,

Here are my comments as promised. I really enjoyed your opening chapter, with the descriptions of a threatening landscape and the beginnings of an intriguing story. Unlike some other readers I think the slow build up works well here in creating dramatic tension, which continues into the second chapter in the creepy house with the strange children. I got to the end of chapter 7 and put it on my watch list. If I have one suggestion, it would be that occasionally you could leave more to the reader's imagination - for example, in the very first paragraph, you don't need "overcast", it just makes the punctuation tricky; later, in the episode where Leila makes lunch, do we need to be told the recipe for goulash? Just my opinion, of course!

Overall, there's much to like and nothing that can't be fixed.

Good luck anyway, I hope this is a great success.

Dear Heather

I've just finished the chapters you have uploaded here, and once again, was sorry to have to stop. What a story teller you are. I wish you luck and lots of stars on your way up the chart.

Bless you. Fran xx

Hi Heather, I have just read the first few chapters and I must say I liked it. I found it hard to differentiate the children though and wondered if you could help the humble reader out a bit there. The theme appeals to me as my own book 'Sanctuary' is also about a woman escaping an abusive marriage. Please give mine a read and see what you think. Tina Cox 'Sanctuary'

Wow, Heather!!

I read five chapters in one sitting this evening, and I am going to read the rest. What a story! Confident, realistic, painful and engrossing. Just four words. But there is real depth too, in the details, and in your incredible observation of a scene. You are a truly gifted writer.

I was a little confused by the children's names and the dog all starting S. I know you are making a point, but is there some way to better differentiate the children, for the sake of your readers? Also, I felt your first chapters was halting, at the start. The first paragraph could be pared down, shortened.

But this is, without any doubt, one of the most gripping, engrossing and heartfelt stories I have read on Authonomy. Six stars - I wish I had more - a place on my WL and promotion asap. You go, girl!

Fran xx :-))

Good scene setting with terrific descriptions of the Sierra Nevada, the gas station, the house and the children.

I like how American it all is, culturally, as well as physically. I like the symbolism of the gas station, “removed from the harsh landscape” as though it could be anywhere in America, any street in San Jose. This contrasts with the bleak house.

I like Leila’s, “it was better to join the strangeness if you couldn’t beat it”.

Leila’s search for the children in 3 is full of suspense.

One suggestion would be not to describe what’s going on in the mind of the boy in ch3, “The boy looked at her, his bright eyes considering”. Unless she’s a mind reader, Leila can’t know that the boy’s “considering” . Better to describe that Leila can see that his eyes were bright, or that she might have an idea that he’s considering.

Overall, very good. Well done.

Thanks for commenting on TIGER HUGS.

An interesting read, Heather. I particularly like the descriptions of the desert countryside - terrifically evocative and peppered with some genuinely original, quirkily beautiful phrasing. I also thought some of the conversational exchanges (eg between Leila and the girl at the gas station) work well – natural and purposeful and subtly evocative of the setting. Really good stuff.

I do think, however, that the book needs quite a bit of work. I found the prose rather overwritten and a little clunky in places. Given that we’re in Leila’s POV for the majority of the novel, I really think you need to tone down the ornate, literary flourishes. Maybe think about making the prose more simple, direct?? You could keep the more involved, evocative descriptions of the scenery etc. Just revert to a less flashy, more matter-of-fact style when all you need to do is move the story forward. Just a thought.

I also found some of the plot elements (eg Leila being offered the job, the Power of Attorney, Leila driving off into the middle of nowhere with a complete stranger, the Colvins leaving her with the kids etc) hard to believe/comprehend. Maybe everything will be explained later in the novel but, at the moment, I don’t feel I’ve been given enough to allow me to willingly suspend my disbelief??

Best of luck with this. A


I made some notes on the opening chapter as I went along. Feel free to ignore!!

Not sure what ‘overcast’ means here?? I’ve only seen it used in reference to weather?? Does it refer to a cliff overhang or something similar??

There’s a slightly unfocussed POV to the description of the scenery?? The bushes, for example, are described as of ‘indeterminate height’ (a remote, distant POV) and then of ‘prickly texture’ (an immediate, focussed POV). It makes for a slightly dizzying read??

I like the way you describe the misleading flatness of the desert. Very evocative.

‘whale-watching without whales’ – lovely line.

Is she out of gas?? Not clear what’s going on/her thoughts about what’s happening??

It’s not the position of the gas gauge that’s warring in her mind. It’s her fear of running out of petrol etc??

‘pedestrian progress’ – really not keen on this. Maybe just ‘walk back to civilization’ or something similarly direct??

‘A gas station done…’ - ??

Why are the parking spaces ‘obligatory’ and why do you need to make clear they don’t cross the sidewalk??

Maybe reference the make of car she’s driving earlier in the chapter (or not at all)??

‘was not jittering in place’ – don’t know what this means??

‘I’m new in town [comma not full-stop]’ Leila said.

I like the conversation with the girl. Very real, evocative.

Why do the girl’s eyes remind her of the snipe hunt? Does she look like a snipe? Not clear what’s going on??

‘I think I might be’ – might be what??

‘Bill Colvin’ The man’s tenor…etc - Unclear what’s going on here?? Has she phoned him??

Repetition of gray-green bushes.

Do you mean ‘platonic’?? Maybe ‘generic’??

Again with ‘obligatory’?? Why mention that the window is obligatory??

‘its [not it’s] granite cornices…’

‘The bell rings.. etc’ – good line

Hard to believe anyone would employ a stranger who’s just drifted into town to look after their kids??

Why would she need a power of attorney for the kids??

Maybe use italics for internal monologues??

Again, it’s hard to believe Leila would drive off into the middle of nowhere with a man she’d never met before?? Ditto her just standing there and watching as the kids’ parents drive off and leave her in charge??

The story is quite compelling. There's a lot of tension and mystery that kept me reading. You did a good job of withholding enough information to make me curious, such as waiting to find out what Leila's background is.

Your descriptions of people and setting are terrific. You certainly paint the scenes. The addition of smell in key places is a great idea.

Five minutes seems fast for Leila to pump gas and then drive to the square, which sounds a good distance from the gas station.

This is strong writing. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Okay, your short pitch and long pitch is good. Made me one to read this. You have an excellent way of describing scenery that I can really see it in my mind. However, I feel the drive out to Colvin's house was way too long with the description. I found myself just skimming it after a few paragraphs. Not that you didn't do it beautifully, but it's just too long. So far not much in the way of character development, but that's okay. That can take a couple chapters. Your sentence structure and punctuation needs help. I'm not an expert myself, and had to get someone who was. I like this and so I'll keep reading and will comment more.

Samantha
'The Housewife'

I have read all seven chapters now and would certainly read on. The house as a personfication of Stu and Leila's insistence she will stand up to it (like she didn't with Stu), works very well. The descriptive prose is really excellent, you don't over egg this, but there is a clear distinction between outside and in. There are a few things that are niggling me- I found the lawyers reaction rather muted and wondered why there wasn't more gawping and nosiness from the townfolk - the chapter in town just felt a little flat, I was waiting for something to happen or a sense that someone else was in on the strangeness. I feel a little frustrated that the children won't give Leila a little more in what is going on - particularly when they are away from the house. Is it Bill or someone in the house that is hurting them? Is Bill as equally bullied by the presence? I felt the children would show some reaction/ feelings about their father either to confirm Leila's belief he is beating them, or to defend him. A small thing, but I didn't pick up Ray's age until they went to town and saw him as much older at the start. And when Jim comes to the door (he is about to knock) he doesn't ask Leila anything, which confused me. But despite these niggles this has got that special something that can't be defined, but you just know its there. Good luck with this. Juliet

I have watched this one built brick by brick and what a fine, engrossing edifice it is. More! More! MORE!

Four chapters in and I am really enjoying this and have no idea where it is headed. Your writing is masterful and the tone spot on - makes my neck prickle. Will be reading on. Juliet

Ch 1: A brilliant start, I'm hooked. So many questions whirling in my head about Leila and her flight, her desperation somehow mirrored by the bizarre alien landscape. I didn't need the sentence about the wrongness of her flight or what she might be heading into - I'd already got that so strongly, and I didn't need to know about her husband so soon, because you get it across so concisely when she meets Colvin - 'He commands and I obey ' - maybe a little hint here about the husband, that's all we need. The pace is great, and the menace as good as Stephen King... I have a little niggle about the parents leaving before she's even met the children???
Chs 2-7: Okay, now I understand why she couldnt meet the children. The menace of this, the odds against Leila and the forces of sweet-smelling loving kindness winning over brutality and that invisible evil presence are well constructed. As a writer, however, I want Leila to have an even harder time. She seems to win over her lawyer and the police officer very easily. I like the way the kids' trust goes back and forth. Leila also trusts people in the outside world - maybe that trust is misplaced? I would definitely buy this book. I want to know what happens and how it happens. You've got me!
One or two things - the smell. When she first enters the kitchen and finds it normal and pleasant, I didnt want to know about the smell so soon. The evil presence is enough for me at this stage, the way the kids behave. the smell as well feels like overkill. Maybe the smell begins to come when she starts the cleaning up - I dont know if the smell is ghostly or organic - but it definitely is working against her so should get stronger as she gets more in control of things in the house. I love the kids and their reactions but how come the people in town dont know more about them? Is it really likely no one would have visited to inspect the home school set up? These are small things, though - mostly I'm caught up and going with the flow. HIGHLY RATED.

Seven chapters isn't enough. This is wonderful stuff, and I very much hope there will be more. I am SO curious. Three or four tiny typo comments on their way to you via message.

Hi Heather,

I had a look at the first chapter and overall I think it is presented quite well. Love the description in some places - it really gives a feel for the setting (and sort of made me feel like I was in it and just wanted to get far away from it).

I don't usually complain about chapter length (I think a chapter can usually be any length as long as it is focused correctly), but I felt that with so much description and two different scenes (arriving at the gas station and then meeting Colvin/getting to his house) the opening chapter could potentially be split into two. When Colvin taps on Leila's car window could be a good place to break it up. Going from runaway wife to first-time baby-sitter in a creepy village in one chapter is a big transition so the reader may want a bit of time to breath - I sort of had this feeling.

The descriptive nature of the writing is quite good and I enjoy this type of presentation, especially when describing the landscape. I did feel that in some parts, though, the description was a bit awkward and could be improved. For example - “What if there was no town in her too-short driving range?” and “The absence of the engine noise and vibration was a shock”. These two sentences can be more polished, and there may have been one or two more I came across. We know you are capable of it because most of the writing is at a high standard so these weaker sentences stand out a bit. In general, though, I thought the writing flowed well enough.

I wasn't reading for grammar/spelling editing - I don't usually do that, but one thing I came across which you may want to fix up is, “Then she realized Colvin (was) must be desperate for a babysitter” – “was” needs to be removed.

The book has a creepy feel to it and I assume this is what you are aiming at so well done. I may get around to reading some more down the track. Good luck with it all. I can see this book getting some attention on authonomy.

Raf.
'J-Town'

Hi Heather,

As promised, I read the first two chapters. I'll repeat the comment I wrote earlier that describing setting is definitely a strength in your writing. You also describe action and movement economically and are able to inject tension with ease. There's a really suspenseful, eery tone here and I would echo the observation of another reader about "The Others" -it really does have that feel.

Something about the logic of the story and Leila's actions didn't quite ring true for me. I think if I were entering a house where I expected to find children, I would search all of the house first -before making dinner etc etc. It also seemed very abrupt when she cried straight after meeting the scary dog. If I'd met a scary dog, I would keep my eyes fixed on it -and putting head in hands and crying seemed like an unnatural action. She was too uneasy about the dog to search the house but comfortable enough to bury her head in her hands to cry and ignore the dog's nose when it touched her! Hmm

Congrats on the writing and reactions when giving detail on the 'contract' -this really drew me in -the small details were powerful and it was tight and very evocative.

A few phrases to consider looking at:
Her hair was dishwater blond and it was the first time Leila felt comfortable describing.. (this is a major POV shift -is it Leila describing? So far the story has been in the 3rd person)
She studied Leila like the deer-thing had earlier (could be reworked)
realized (repetition at start of two paragraphs -try this http://www.prowritingaid.com/ -I tend to repeat words too -it worked a treat!
Holding the macaroni up to the light, Leila began to (narrate) -right word? She doesn't really follow with narration.
suspense couldn't be handled (passive construction -a bit wordy-suspense became unbearable?
she got more sign(s) of comprehension (is this the right word?) from the dog ........it's (should be its) - I think you don't need the 'signs of comprehension part -just describe the action -it speaks for itself.

A little overloaded with description at times -try giving the reader more space eg. "the bad smell, something sweet and musty and (wholly unpleasant) was stronger -repetition of bad smell. As a general comment, I would trust the power of your writing a little more (it's very evocative!) and slim down the descriptions -it will add more pace, space and atmosphere.

I hope these notes help. This has masses of potential -you have such a mature and well-shaped style -just needs some polishing. My own book has undergone much polishing since my early days here -I hope you see the comments as being constructive, not nitpicky.

Very impressive overall - happy to read more.

Best,

Kaal

You are obviously an experienced writer, Heather. This is highly readable stuff, edited to a very high degree (I only found one typo, 'wonder' instead of 'wander' after "enough gas"). Yes, classics like The Others and The Children of the Damned do spring to mind, but I think you've got something pretty special here. The stark, bleak prairie setting with its brooding mountain backdrop really grabbed me. What on earth are a host of creepy children doing out here? And why is Leila seemingly fated to look after them? The show-don't-tell in your first chapter is masterful, drawing the reader ever on to find answers. Where the story does fall down a bit, imho (and I know this is WIP, so I guess you don't mind me saying) is the "slow start" mentioned by other commentators. There are some brilliant descriptive passages here, but rather too many to engage the general reader. A short snappy opening (oh, I don't know: "She had been driving for days. Away from him. Away to freedom") might provide a necessary hook? Same goes for the long drive to meet the children, which is a bit too long - the first deer-like animal is okay, but the second mongoose-like creature was (again imvho) just too much! I LOVED the occasional comic literary flourishes (The bell rings, the dog slobbers!) and alliterative asides (The peak was pocked with rocks), and the whole 'frying pan into the fire' situation poor Leila now finds herself in is full of dark promise...

Six stars* for this sterling effort, and hope to shelve after your next edit.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

(*this will show up as 4.03 on your book shortly)

Hi Heather
Hey what an unusual piece of work - reminds me a bit of The Others and I loved that it's straight on my watchlist to check out more asap
regards
Sheila

Heather,

A truly wonderful first chapter.
What an unusual and worrying start to a new life, thrust into an uncertain job, working for strangers, too easily obtained.
The precarious nature of her current existence and the hazy references to her troubled past really excite the imagination and leave the reader desperate to find out more.

This is one for my watch-list, no problems!

Best regards
Warrick

I’m hooked – definitely want to know what happens next. You’ve set up several really intriguing unanswered questions for the ongoing plot – why are the children so traumatised, what’s in ‘the room’, what’s Bill Colvin’s secret – as well as several minor threads: will Leila escape her husband, what’s Mr Holding’s story etc. Your characters are excellent. The children all have distinct personalities, as do the minor characters we’ve met so far.

You’ve said this is a WIP, so I hope you won’t mind if I make a few suggestions, to be disregarded, obviously, if you don’t like them!

I found the opening rather slow. Your description is good, but my feeling is that it goes on for too long. You need to grab the reader’s attention earlier, and perhaps scatter the description through the next few chapters, where you’ve got other characters to break it up. There were also several words and phrases that leapt out at me, for example ‘was contiguous with’ – fine in themselves, but they seemed rather elaborate in the context. And could you substitute ‘she’ for some of the ‘Leilas’? The full name struck me as unnecessarily repetitive.

I love your ability to build tension. You got me in. You’ve got the makings of a good book. I’ll look forward to reading more.

Helen Meikle
Six Weeks in Summer

WOW! Read the first three chapters and I've got to say, you are spot on in your portrayal of the three abused and abandoned children. The heart that Leila has for these three waifs is understandable. I get the feeling all four characters will work their way out of the darkness just a little, in each other's company. And the dog, Shade...lovely character! Loved this story you are telling! Highly starred and watchlisted for now...Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Hi Heather, just dropped in to look at your book. Before I do so, could I suggest a slight rewording to your intriguing short pitch?

"Leila flees her abusive husband, but becomes the guardian of traumatised children in a haunted house. This is not the future she had in mind."

Just a suggest, feel free to ignore.

Joe

Hi Heather. I've put this on my watchlist. Hope to look at it soon. Good luck!

Kia ora Heather,

You have impressive writing skills -the way you 'paint' the landscape is wonderful - effortlessly done and with a unique style. There are many small gems here- "his hand felt like it had square edges' was one that stuck in my mind. You also set the tone very well, your writing style almost has the pace of driving...nicely done. My only pointer would be to not try to say too much in one sentence - some of the sentences get a little unwieldy -but nothing that can't be ironed out easily.

This is one to watch-I'll be back for more
Highly rated and recommended

Kaal Kaczmarek