The Devil's Unborn

DEVIL’S UNBORN
This is a scary story particularly because I could be convinced an abortive herb like the one Hartnell is mailed exists so this story could be real. You have a good character in Hartnell: part scientist, part reckless researcher. Lays down a foundation of good suspense. Certainly kept me reading. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

A fantastic read - compelling and mysterious. I read the complete posting and your storytelling is riveting. Best of luck with your venture into self publishing.
Christine Elaine Black.

Original idea. Good grasp of victorian language except for a very few mistakes but these are easily remedied. A roller coaster of a story with twists and turns that keep the reading glued to the page.Exciting and intriguing.

Chilling, goosebump ride.

Backed with pleasure and starred..

Victoria,

I've just read your opening chapter. Here are my thoughts:

Firstly, I think your pitches both long and short are excellent. You've given any potential reader/agent/publisher a teasing glimpse of your story, one that's sure to grab their interest.

Into Chapter 1 - I like the way you've structured this, opening with the letter from Wilkins, the missionary brother. It's a clever way of dropping a bit of essential background information to the reader, without detracting from the natural pace and development of the story, and is a perfect accompaniment to the conversation that follows between Field and your protagonist Hartnell - the obvious connections being established early on.

In terms of narrative tone, I think you've got the Victorian verancular down very convincingly, be it in prose or dialogue, which gives the whole story a very real, authentic age, which is not always easy to capture.

This is true of your characterization, also, particuarly in the way Hartnell shows little or no compassion, is so caught up in his scientific work, he's happy to compromise his morals - something you no doubt develop throughout the novel.

I made note of a few minor points as I read. In the opening paragraph, I wasn't sure if you had a missing 'not' in the sentence '(not) know Christ as their saviour' (but I might have been reading it wrong). 'if I did not lay (it) out in cold detail...' missing 'it'. 'I Said on half jokingly - I think you mean 'only half jokingly' and you don't need to capitalize the 'Said' as you do a couple of times here. A couple of missing hypens for mind-reader and tittle-tattle, and a typo right at the end 'Filed lingered...' instead of 'Field lingered...'

That said, a wonderfully well-written, original and engrossing start. Happy to give you a run on my shelf.

Regards

NA 'The Butterfly and the Wheel'

I just love the style of this, victoria, it's brilliant. And I'm not bullshitting you, or anyone else who reads this comment.

Mark.

This is awesome! Love the Voodoo stuff! And the soul/womb thing....Wow! Exciting first chapter. 6 stars and highly recommend. Something I would buy. Dina Rae - Bad Juju

Very Interesting and well written.. I love how the story unfolds... Backed the book with pleasure.

Backed The Devil’s First Born. We loved the fact your book was written in the Victorian novel style: dialogue, realistic, thickly plotted, and crowded with characters. It follows the format of Victorian novel with the main characters being well off or rich, outwardly respectable man has frequent recourse to prostitutes, virtue is rewarded and wrongdoers are suitably punished, and some influence of science is woven into the plot. Great job with the Victorian dialogue. Just remember no slang or contractions when writing dialog for the era. Hope you will find time to take a look at our book, Dark Side.
CC Brown

Hi. I agree with Heather's comments. Much of this is enjoyable and intriguing. You have a very good grasp of the Victorian speech register. HOWEVER, Brits have never, ever said 'Gotten'. Ever. Expunge it now, because it's a dead give-away.
Well done, though, and keep writing.
Julia. ('Jelly-Boy')

Victoria--I've read the first five chapters of your novel and it has a lot to recommend it. It's actually a real page-turner. I'm eager to continue reading. Your grasp of Victorian sensibility and verbiage is impressive. In short, I enjoyed this. I do have one critique-type comment. There are portions of this--especially in the first chapter--where your dialogue needs more expository back-up. Long portions of dialogue tend to be tiring after a while, and a little confusing. Other than that I think this a fun piece of writing. Thanks for sharing it.

Heather.

Victoria,

I read your first chapter. This is most macabre. A serious scientist sees pleasure in testing out some new drug on a poor unsuspecting dancer (tart!), whilst the hapless and ignorant policeman (bastard!) sees little harm in breaking the law decides to go along with the plan.

Most enjoyable, lovely flowing narrative and splendid dialogue, all fitting with the glorious concept.

I found a few things for you to look at:
"Above these, both all sides of the room were two levels of shelves." looks like it has too many words, maybe "Above these, on both sides of the room were two levels of shelves." is better?

Similarly, "I know don’t know how you can stand it here..." needs a "know" removing!

And, I think "chose" should be "choose" in "...there can’t be too many people who chose to spend their evening".

Best regards
Warrick

Hi Victoria. I saw this mentioned on the faux agent's thread. I've backed the book as I think you're off to a very good (and creepy) start. I'm looking forward to seeing more as it develops.