Book Jacket

 

rank 1304
word count 18522
date submitted 19.01.2012
date updated 28.01.2012
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Horror
classification: universal
incomplete

A Ghost of Fire

Sam Whittaker

An old school ghost story with a contemporary twist.

 

Steve Nicholas wasn't looking for drama. He was just looking for a job. But once he lands a position at a respectable data processessing company as a janitor strange things start to happen. There's the smell of smoke and the echoes of childlike laughter. But these inexplicable things are only the beginning of something much more menacing. He soon begins to have increasingly terrifying dreams and to experience ghostly encounters when he's awake. It won't be long until Steve finds himself caught in the middle of warring supernatural forces. If he isn't careful he might get burned...or worse.

 
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tags

, fire, ghosts, horror, suspsense, thriller

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27 comments

 

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faith rose wrote 113 days ago

Dear Sam,

I read all five chapters you have posted here. Although I am not a huge fiction reader (and horror tends to scare me!) I found myself reading on with the most comfortable ease. Stephen is so well drawn. In him we see every man...everyone, really. We see an "unemployed master of nothing special," and yet that becomes completely captivating. He is real, honest, and he lives a life so many (especially nowadays) can relate to... jobless, lonely, and even has a meddling mother.

Your writing style adds tremendously to the pacing and interesting nature of this piece. I especially like your sentence variation; the short sentences work well to create a dramatic effect (ie: "Both fell through." "Nothing." "Far from it."). I like that a lot. I also love your use of sensory images. The "slightly worn suit," the recurring "ash" smell, and the "thousands of miniature rivers coursing their terminating paths" all contribute perfectly to the mysterious, even desperate tone. The images surrounding Stephen are well done also; the "generic rootbeer," "cold Chinese food," and "blank TV" just seem to scream lonely bachelor. Perfect.

Just a couple of tiny typos I noticed:
"thirty year two" (I think should be thirty-two-year-old)
"subsist on meals" (not sure, but I think you might mean "exist")

Overall, this is a highly readable, engaging, well-written piece. With the stage now set for Katie's entrance into his life, there is a perfect blend of realism with the mysterious unknown. This piece has thriller written all over it! Very well done. I am starring this highly and keeping it on my WL. I have no doubt this will have a wide readership and continue to do very well.

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him


Pune Gypsy wrote 119 days ago

Sam
Just finished chapter 1 and I have to say your writing style is captivating. Thoroughly enjoyed it so far and will continue with the rest tomorrow.
Well done. I have backed the book and wish you the very best. Looks like a winner.
Almas

Warrick Mayes wrote 122 days ago

Sam,

I'll be honest, I only got as far as the point where Steven had just finished his interview. But, I think this was enough to form an opinion as to the quality of the work.

It was a clever way to impart your hero's name.

You have a great voice, an excellent narrative that flows with clever descriptions and moves along seamlessly.

Your dialogue is totally believable.

I found one little niggel: I think you need to lose "of" from the following sentence "A few of turned heads to see who was following the boss..."

I shall try and squeeze this onto my watch-list, highly rated!

Best regards
Warrick

DerekTobin wrote 124 days ago

Hi Sam
I enjoyed reading this first chapter - it flows well and there are no clunky sections slowing me down. I think you have the right balance of reality laced with supernatural here to make it work. The dialogue is believable and adds to characterisation nicely. The MS is well manicured and no obvious grammaticals. I have starred it for you and put it on my watchlist and will read more and comment for you when I can. All the best Sam
Derek
The Angel Chord

Roy Belletete wrote 124 days ago

I just finished reading the second chapter of your book. I find it hard to believe I would be drawn into two chapters about a man trying to get a job. Yet somehow you got me to empathize with Steve almost immediatly and I definately saw and felt him as if he were me. This is one book that I'm enjoying reading because nothing pulls me out of it. Well except the comment about watching paint dry. That cliche pulled me out of the story, besides that it was a great ride. I intend to finish it but wanted you to know that I, an average person finds your story extremly compelling and can see each scene almost to perfection. I can definately see this in print and would purchase it based on the first two chapters. Great job! I'm really enjoying this read! A handful of stars for you.
Roy Belletete -In Search of a Memory-

TaniaJohansson wrote 70 days ago

Dear Sam,

I read through most of what you posted up, because I really enjoyed it! You immediately feel empathy for Stephen. A good guy down on his luck. Then the intrigue starts with the burnt smell in the office. I was drawn in and kept reading to find out more. The tense moments in his apartment with the laughter in the bathroom and the voice message was very well done. I liked how the message changed each time he listened to it; gave me chills.

Just two things I will point out:

Chapter 3:
He ponders if this visitor was drawn to the place or to him, but it had happened at the office and at his house....is he just confused?

He thinks about taking his mom up on the offer of staying witht them for the weekend to 'get away for a few days', but just before that he said he would not call Jan because it is Sunday and she would not be in the office.

I enjoyed this a lot and I wish you all the best for it. Will keep it on my watchlist.

Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance

Kathryn Page wrote 76 days ago

Hi Sam
I've only read the first chapter so far but there are some interesting hints here as to what will come and I enjoyed reading it very much. I will certainly be reading on. The narrative voice is consistent and convincing and Stephen seems well drawn. Well done

Kathryn

CarysJones wrote 86 days ago

Swap for Sunkissed

I really enjoyed reading this. Your synopsis was very strong which intrigued me and made me want to read more.

One minor note; would a janitor have manicured nails as you state towards the start? Maybe I'm stereotyping but I'm image him having grittier, less tended nails.

You write well, I like the descriptions, such as the detail about the suit and the previous ones having been sold, it gave a nice back story to the central character. Touches like that make characters appear more three dimensional.

Dialogue was also very natural which is hard to achieve so well done! I've only read the first chapter thus far but will be back to read more when I've got more time as I want to know what happens!

Mec81589 wrote 86 days ago

Loving the book, really. From the first paranormal activity Steve encountered I was sucked in with no hope out. You are also a great detail writer, i can picture every scene in this book with clarity. Keep up the good work!

riantorr wrote 98 days ago

Great title! I hear the echo "A Ghost Afire" in my ear. Good luck. RianTorr

Tarzan For Real wrote 100 days ago

Chapter 1 is quite descriptive Sam and it has a good pace that brings the stroy along. I really like you bring in the rock music to tie in the feelings of the character. Typo's sure a couple but the heart of the story is good and developing well.

I'll read on.

Jleblanc wrote 102 days ago

Hey Sam,
Just read the first chapter, the story really flows. like the element of tension and uneasyness during the interview process. One question, if his dad is a CEO of a company, why isnt he working for him? I look forward to reading further chapters.
Thanks,
Jake- The Apocalypse Dawn

JKass wrote 104 days ago

Your MC is a true 'every man' and it works very well. A man trying to get a job is a common story in real life in this day and age, so many people could feel for him. A very strong long pitch drew me in. Great read! Highly starred.

Diwrite wrote 104 days ago

Good stuff.
The writing is comfortable with an easy flow and steady pace.
Your character development is strong too - I felt I was really getting to know your MC quickly and clearly.
I haven't read as far as I'd like, but the story seems to be unfurling well. I like a good ghost story so I'll try to come back and scare myself!

Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

Philthy wrote 108 days ago

Hi Sam,
I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken me so long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.
“old school” should be hyphenated in your short pitch.
I like the first-line hook of your long pitch.
Needs to be a comma after “janitor”
Is it the laughter of children or is the laughter childlike? Because if it’s childlike, it could be an adult laughing like a child. I’d say mysterious laughter of children or something.
Delete “soon”
Delete “increasingly”
Drop the ellipse.
I’d consider taking out the part about warring ghosts. Too much information for the pitch.
Chapter One
“sparsely furnished” should be hyphenated in this case
Why do you have to say “self-manicured?” What’s the significance? Seems like oversharing, which can distract from the story.
“The anxiety I learned during my job hunt…” Kind of an awkward sentence. Consider restructuring to make it less clunky.
Add comma after deserted room
“Dear beloved…” Is this part in his mind? Might consider italicizing that to make it clear. I like it!
“May they rest in peace” modifies “pointless life” not “aspirations,” so it should not be pluralized.
Love this first chapter. The premise seems a bit cliché. Night watchman, janitor, maintenance dude comes across some kind of paranormal mystery. Still, your writing and flow makes it unique, as does the way you present it, so it’s certainly captivating and well-written. I think certain parts could use a good scrub, but it’s a strong start and a great read. I can see it doing well on here and look forward to seeing it progress.
Best of luck! Six stars from me!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Geddy25 wrote 108 days ago

Really impressed!
I've read all 5 chapters you've posted and you kept my interest 99.9% of the time (I got a bit lost in the bookshop when you were talking about the books he was looking at).
This isn't really my kind of genre, but I thought you painted a great picture of the main character and his life. The plot was also gripping and the supernatural goings on were intriguing. I just had to read the 5th chapter to find out what was going to happen next.
Surely you're onto a winner with this one and I've already recommended that someone else reads it.
Good luck with this - I really mean it!
Cheers,
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

Brian Thompson wrote 109 days ago

An excellent start to a captivating story, I wish you every success in the future with all your endeavours.

6 Stars!

NerdGirl61023 wrote 111 days ago

Sam,

I read everything that you have posted here. I really can't think anything you have done wrong. Just little nits. The typos I found everyone caught in comments before mine.

I really like how you build our empathy for this charcter right in the first chapter. I think anyone can feel his plight. Also, it gives us a good reason why he can just leave his apartment. The part with the answering machine really creeped me out. I am starring and keeping on my WL to keep reading when you add more.

faith rose wrote 113 days ago

Dear Sam,

I read all five chapters you have posted here. Although I am not a huge fiction reader (and horror tends to scare me!) I found myself reading on with the most comfortable ease. Stephen is so well drawn. In him we see every man...everyone, really. We see an "unemployed master of nothing special," and yet that becomes completely captivating. He is real, honest, and he lives a life so many (especially nowadays) can relate to... jobless, lonely, and even has a meddling mother.

Your writing style adds tremendously to the pacing and interesting nature of this piece. I especially like your sentence variation; the short sentences work well to create a dramatic effect (ie: "Both fell through." "Nothing." "Far from it."). I like that a lot. I also love your use of sensory images. The "slightly worn suit," the recurring "ash" smell, and the "thousands of miniature rivers coursing their terminating paths" all contribute perfectly to the mysterious, even desperate tone. The images surrounding Stephen are well done also; the "generic rootbeer," "cold Chinese food," and "blank TV" just seem to scream lonely bachelor. Perfect.

Just a couple of tiny typos I noticed:
"thirty year two" (I think should be thirty-two-year-old)
"subsist on meals" (not sure, but I think you might mean "exist")

Overall, this is a highly readable, engaging, well-written piece. With the stage now set for Katie's entrance into his life, there is a perfect blend of realism with the mysterious unknown. This piece has thriller written all over it! Very well done. I am starring this highly and keeping it on my WL. I have no doubt this will have a wide readership and continue to do very well.

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him


billysunday wrote 115 days ago

This is excellent! Really like your former English lit teacher-great back story and love how you introduced it through the interivew. Immediately drawn into the story from the first paragraph. Highly rated and recommended. Dina of Bad Juju

Sherpa wrote 117 days ago

I changed my mind, I started reading your book immediately after reading a few reviews, and i must say that I love it! Very interesting, i planned to read two chapters and am now four chapters in! It is intruiging and at the beginning I felt sorry for the MC especially when you mentioned the worn manila envelope and he was embarrased about it. Your descriptions are very visual, so I can picture what exactly he is looking at. I am a fan of the supernatural so in my opinion you have a great story here and I will rate it and even back it...and I have a few people that I know would enjoy this, so I will also recommend it!
-Sharon
Stones in the Forest

ScottTrimas wrote 119 days ago

I agree with Pune Gypsy. I have really enjoyed reading everything so far. I can't wait to read more later on
Thanks,
Scott

Pune Gypsy wrote 119 days ago

Sam
Just finished chapter 1 and I have to say your writing style is captivating. Thoroughly enjoyed it so far and will continue with the rest tomorrow.
Well done. I have backed the book and wish you the very best. Looks like a winner.
Almas

CGHarris wrote 119 days ago

I just finished the first chapter and I have to say it is written beautifully. If flows well and is easy to read. Your dialogue seems very natural and that’s where I began to really get pulled into the book. I have to admit I got a bit bogged down with the description and inner thoughts in the very beginning. Once he got into the office for the interview is when the story started for me. This is just a personal observation; it definitely works as is also. Thanks for the great read, I have you in my watch list and will return to read on when I have more time.

RK Summers wrote 120 days ago

A great read, really well written. You'll have to forgive me here, I'm not feeling too well, so I'm going to do my best.

I like how you manage to sustain interest through the first chapter with something as ordinary as a job interview. Steve's situation is one we can all associate with, which makes him a very believable character. I like your description of Jan, 'Somewhere an African country is missing it's queen', I love that, it speaks volumes for the character.

My only gripe is that maybe the first chapter is a shade too long. Maybe you could split it into two? It could just be me through, I prefer shorter chapters. It helps keep the reader engaged.

A very enjoyable read, I'm impressed.

Kate

Warrick Mayes wrote 122 days ago

Sam,

I'll be honest, I only got as far as the point where Steven had just finished his interview. But, I think this was enough to form an opinion as to the quality of the work.

It was a clever way to impart your hero's name.

You have a great voice, an excellent narrative that flows with clever descriptions and moves along seamlessly.

Your dialogue is totally believable.

I found one little niggel: I think you need to lose "of" from the following sentence "A few of turned heads to see who was following the boss..."

I shall try and squeeze this onto my watch-list, highly rated!

Best regards
Warrick

BrianKinsella85 wrote 123 days ago

Crap! I forgot to mention 2 more things:
I loved the Die Hard (as I am assuming that is the movie you were referencing when talking about Bruce Willis blowing things up) reference.
I also liked the cocoon metaphor. I really think you're building Steve up for something great!

BrianKinsella85 wrote 123 days ago

You stop just when it starts to pick up darn it :)
I liked the book. You successfully set up a slow burn right up until the end with the torn up hotel room. You even managed to tell it all in first person without it sounding to diary-like. I also like the story behind Steve and the possible statutory/indecent actions. I like that it is working backwards to get there to what either happened or didn't happen. A sordid past is exactly what every horror story needs; not a lot of people realize that or take advantage of it. Ghost stories are a way to look at a character's past and how it impacts where they are today (Shining, Pet Semetary, Sixth Sense, etc) You do a good job at keeping the veil drawn and only pulling it back when you want to. I also liked the interview and everything that led up to the interview. Personally, I can relate with the sentiments behind those scenes and I think a lot of other people can as well. I can also relate to the parent sympathy to an out of work/needs a better job child. I have received many a calls that begin with "how are you doing..."
My major problems with the story are all on an editing level. There is a lot of redundancy in the story so far. A lot of times, Steve will think something and then repeat it out loud. (Ch. 2 at the beginning when he thinks his mom called he thinks he doesn't want to spend another weekend there and then says it out loud). That was another thing that bothered me; you switched between internal and external monologues a lot when Steve was alone. Was there a reason for that? Does he talk to himself a lot?
Two scenes were also weird to me. The sports car driver stopping for Steve and Steve and Katie's first "date". The other driver was weird because I guess I really didn't understand why he would stop for some crazy guy trying to wave him down on the street let alone look for a girl that he didn't hit. The Katie scene I really just wanted to see more done with it. The date just felt like story filler. I'm assuming she is a potential love interest for Steve and we really didn't get to know her or Steve any better in this scene. Humor was used really well in this scene to portray the awkwardness of an impromptu first date, I just wish they would have gotten to know each other better so we could get to know them better.
The final thing I have is that Steve jumps to the haunted conclusion really fast. I'm one of those movie goers who gets pissed when a family doesn't move out of an obviously haunted house because of ignorance; Steve, though, leaves because of a light and the smell of smoke. Nothing really happened to him, and with the way he is portrayed (poor guy on his last dime trying to find a job to make ends meet) he is really quick to jump up and spend a night in a hotel.
I am hooked, though. I want to follow Steve through his journey so keep up the good work.


Brian

Roy Belletete wrote 124 days ago

I just finished reading the second chapter of your book. I find it hard to believe I would be drawn into two chapters about a man trying to get a job. Yet somehow you got me to empathize with Steve almost immediatly and I definately saw and felt him as if he were me. This is one book that I'm enjoying reading because nothing pulls me out of it. Well except the comment about watching paint dry. That cliche pulled me out of the story, besides that it was a great ride. I intend to finish it but wanted you to know that I, an average person finds your story extremly compelling and can see each scene almost to perfection. I can definately see this in print and would purchase it based on the first two chapters. Great job! I'm really enjoying this read! A handful of stars for you.
Roy Belletete -In Search of a Memory-

CarolinaAl wrote 124 days ago

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A promising start. A distinctive main character. Deft description. Well-managed tension. Smooth pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) Hyphenate 'self made.'
2) Hyphenate 'thirty year old.'
3) ' ... than to crawl back to mom and dad asking for that kind of help.' Capitalize 'mom' and 'dad.' When a kinship term is used as a name it becomes a proper noun and is capitalized.
4) 'A few of turned heads to see ... ' Insert 'them' after 'of.'
5) 'Good luck buddy.' Comma after 'luck.' When you address someone, offset their name or title with a comma.
6) "She could have been knocked all the way to ... " Consider replacing the ellipsis ( ... ) with an em-dash. Use an ellipsis for hesitation. Use an em-dash for interruption. Since Steve interrupts the driver, an em-dash is appropriate.

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for your support of "Savannah Fire."

Bless you.

Al

Davidmauriceware wrote 124 days ago

Excellent opening chapter. A far better cry compared to 99 percent of the book here on authno. You grabbed my attention from the beggining and held it . I'm headed to maje room on my shelve immediately. If I were you , I would start by making ten copys of this and start submitting it to various publishers and just be patient. This will be a bestseller in a matter of time. GREAT JOB. By the way Steven Nickolas is my nephews name just backwards. LOL . 6 star rating also

DerekTobin wrote 124 days ago

Hi Sam
I enjoyed reading this first chapter - it flows well and there are no clunky sections slowing me down. I think you have the right balance of reality laced with supernatural here to make it work. The dialogue is believable and adds to characterisation nicely. The MS is well manicured and no obvious grammaticals. I have starred it for you and put it on my watchlist and will read more and comment for you when I can. All the best Sam
Derek
The Angel Chord

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