Prepared to Fight

Prepared to Fight

Hi E'sta,

Interesting name, what's the missing letter is a bit intriguing. This is an intriguing and inventive read, there are too many adjectives in places, but the general idea is strong, very imaginative and delivered with ambition and verve. You have a confident voice and you try things out, ideas and interesting, quirky phrases, you have envisaged a very unique world here and I enjoyed spending time in it. I suggest you update the authonomy chapters as well, this does not deserve a red arrow, I will do my best to secure a green arrow for you.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

An enjoyable read. there were parts that seemed a bit forced and confused me but I see by your synopsis that you have edited and just not updated.
I think you have a great idea here, one that is different and one that I imagine would do well. You really have some delightful turns of phrases and it is your talent with dialogue that kept me reading. I was sad to see the first chapter didn't have all that much but it did progress as I read on.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

I'm not into the sci-fi reads and you can certainly tighten up the writing....that said, this is good stuff! The detail of your characters and the world you create is pretty amazing. I think anytime you can simply create a great story...no matter the genre...then you're on your way to reaching a wider audience. You've done that here.

Lockjaw

Prepared to Fight...

Intriguing premise, which is why I decided to read your partial.

Despite the over-abundance of background information at the beginning, I was still compelled to read on. E is interesting and likeable, and you've given us the right hints at the right times about what he wants for himself. I think you're dialogue is excellent....do use more of it when you're revising.

Shelved.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

E’Sta,

I’m glad I stumbled upon this. You’ve created a very unique world here you’ve done a good job setting the stage. There is a fair bit of information before we really get into the character’s head, but I personally found it all very interesting. The writing could use some editing (a lot of instances of the word “that” could be removed, and you switched from present tense to past in the paragraph that begins, “Indrani was in the room…”), but the story itself seems very solid.

~Steve

Hello E'Sta,

I rarely read books of this genre, but your intriguing pitch drew me to the story and I enjoyed it. Your curious title is enticing, and I wasn't disappointed in what it held. I read three chapters which i found very captivating. The story flows smoothly, the characters are portrayed in a colourful manner and the setting is lovely.

I also like premise around which you crafted the story. Overall, this story has what it takes to capture not only its targeted readership.....kids and teenager, but also readers of other genres. I am glad I obeyed my instincts and read this story.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

This tale reeks of authenticity. It is probably the most convincing Sci-Fi I have ever read. On my shelf, Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

E'Sta,

This first chapter only got better and better as I read on. The character was fascinating and the world that you set up is quite unique and complex. I love the idea of the partners.

I did feel like it was a dense read, a lot of exposition. You might want to cut that down a little and serve some of the details of your world to us in upcoming chapters.

Other than this, it was a very intriguing read.

You're on my shelf,

ML

Hi there,
I liked your opening, I felt it was a bit different, thoughtful, like you were steering me in the right direction - does that make sense? I don't think I've read something with hidden gender in it so I found this intriguing, a novel idea. You have created ain interesting 'other world', it is imaginative and full of atmosphere. Epifen is a strong character and I feel inclined to follow his story - he has that military feel about him which appeals to me and is a convincing character. This is pacy, it becomes more so the further on I read. I am not going to nit-pick on the technical stuff as I don't feel qualified and there are plenty of people on here to help with that. I am going to shelve this and I wish you luck with it.
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Very philosophical approach to the beginning. Unique way to come at the audience. Seems very wordy to me. No offense intended. Just, I feel like I am sitting here being told what is going on. I want to interact, not just read the musings of the MC.
I like healing powers. That’s cool.
I DO like the very military feel. Rigid. Stern. This world DOES feel different to me. That is a good thing! I have to admit, as I read this becomes more fascinating. I am glad I read more than 1 chapter of things! Wow… somehow I kept reading and 9 chapters went by. I guess that means I liked it. Have to shelve it! NEED MORE CHAPTERS :)
This is NOT a clean piece of writing by any means. Wrong words here and there. I think it needs to be weeded through a pared down. A little wordy. BUT VERY INTERESTING AND VERY DIFFERENT!!!

Keep writing!
Gina

Prepared to Fight freaked me out. In a good way. E'Sta, if I didn't know better, I would think that you lived in this other time and came back to tell this story. Very impressive. It's an imaginative world with a great premise that parallel's our world today in so many ways! It's on my shelf!

Okay, here are my detailed notes.

1. Love that they rise in the darkness for centuries for seemingly no current reason. Beautiful!
2. I don’t understand the “hand holds” under the shoulder blades.
3. “Trying to get me to break a rule so we have more in common”-- great sentence doing double duty!
4. Typo -- a lot OF pain recently.
5. Sneered -- I’d use it only once (twice so far).
6. Great dialogue!
7. Dress -- you do a great job of describing the uniform.
8, Your protagonist's thoughts are interesting/revealing without feeling expository.

Because your world is so unique, there is the need for some explanation but don't overdo it -- all will be revealed in time, right? I'd just suggest adding more sensory detail, be careful on the showing vs. telling.

Examples of sensory detail to add:
1. Describe the sound of the alarm
2. Give a little more description of the room -- just one or two things, e.g., the floor, the color of the mat, is there a window? How is it lit?
3. As the protagonist and Indrani speak to each other, are they whispering to keep the guards from hearing?
4. What does the training field look like?

Show vs. tell -- instead of writing "obvious pain," describe his pain to us (physically or otherwise) so we can see it.

Again, you're on my bookshelf! Good luck!

Interesting concept, hidden gender. I like the opening, I think it sets the stage very well. Love the idea of rising before dark in preperation for an enemy that might never come. You also have some original concepts in here, Maladic the organizer, loved it! 'Dumb' people cant procrate!

I do think at times you have too much narration. Granted, some of it was needed in the beginning, and I enjoyed reading it, but as you go on with your story, sprinkle it a little lighter...this could just be my taste though.

I did get a bit confused when they were in line, not sure who was a healer, MC is a healer, but not sure why they partner. This is an amazing world you've built, very complex. I think I will have to sit and think about this one for a while and come back to see if I can get more clarity.

I like the ideas you have. They are original. The story in general, from what I've read so far, reads fairly well. But you fall into a trap with punctuation with over use of the semi-colon early on in the chapter. The semicolon, like its big brother the colon, is an untidy punctuation mark and often used unnecessarily where rewording what you intend to say may have more effect in telling the story. Semicolons and over punctuating your work can lead to a jerky read. Don't worry you're not the only one. I do this too.

Also what you seem to do quite alot is use a comma where a joining word should be. An example in your work is:

"We knealt next to each other, our heads down and eyes focused on the floor." ~ Scans a lot easier if you write it:
"We knealt next to each other with our heads down and our eyes focused on the floor." ~ you could totally restructure the sentence instead.

You'll also note in this paragraph some repetition. You have the Junayd kneeling down twice.

Some work to do but a promising idea if you work at it.

Paul

Oh, i love this! I've only read the first chapter but i'm definitely backing it. I enjoyed it immensely. I took a few notes as i read:

Have you thought of putting 'whoever they may be' after 'invaded us'? I'm not sure it might not read more easily.
Like the first paragraph, throws you right into the character and situation.
I didn't quite understand this - 'males have hand holds under their shoulder blades'. Is this some sort of dip unique to their species?
'Epifen.” He taunted.' - 'Epifen,” he taunted.'
'From now on we would be trained in the same squadron...' The next part of this sentence is a repetition of what you've just told us.
'His worst enemy; himself' you need another semicolon after 'himself' or at least a comma.

I assume things are likely to become harder for Epifen from now on. I was glad he got partnered, but this is only the beginning of the story, i'm sure. I look forward to reading on.

You create a very vividly realised world. I imagine some people might say there's too much information, but i didn't find this. You held my attention completely. It's a very innovative world and Epifen is a believable, likeable character. I feel a bit awkward saying this because i'm not sure what to suggest to correct it, but you might want to look at the exchanges between him and Indrani, including on the parade ground. There's just something very slightly stock about them, if you see what i'm getting at?

Generally though, i really like this. I'm sorry i don't have any more helpful feedback, my critical brain is especially prone to switching off when i'm enjoying something. And it's complete *rubs hands in glee*. I will certainly be back to read the rest. Probably not immediately, but i will be back!

Could you expand on the indrani/epifen thing...that might be helpful...

the males handholds may become clearer in the later chapters...if not let me know... Epifen is the sort of soldier to repeat/expand things.

Oh, i love this! I've only read the first chapter but i'm definitely backing it. I enjoyed it immensely. I took a few notes as i read:

Have you thought of putting 'whoever they may be' after 'invaded us'? I'm not sure it might not read more easily.
Like the first paragraph, throws you right into the character and situation.
I didn't quite understand this - 'males have hand holds under their shoulder blades'. Is this some sort of dip unique to their species?
'Epifen.” He taunted.' - 'Epifen,” he taunted.'
'From now on we would be trained in the same squadron...' The next part of this sentence is a repetition of what you've just told us.
'His worst enemy; himself' you need another semicolon after 'himself' or at least a comma.

I assume things are likely to become harder for Epifen from now on. I was glad he got partnered, but this is only the beginning of the story, i'm sure. I look forward to reading on.

You create a very vividly realised world. I imagine some people might say there's too much information, but i didn't find this. You held my attention completely. It's a very innovative world and Epifen is a believable, likeable character. I feel a bit awkward saying this because i'm not sure what to suggest to correct it, but you might want to look at the exchanges between him and Indrani, including on the parade ground. There's just something very slightly stock about them, if you see what i'm getting at?

Generally though, i really like this. I'm sorry i don't have any more helpful feedback, my critical brain is especially prone to switching off when i'm enjoying something. And it's complete *rubs hands in glee*. I will certainly be back to read the rest. Probably not immediately, but i will be back!

Hi,

Back again. Here are some edits for chapter 5.

"you control you'll healing" should be "you control your healing"

"I think that was the quickest we've ever been" doesn't make a lot of sense because this is the first time.

"simulators head" should be "simulator's head"

"you will be confided to your rooms" should be "you will be confined to your rooms"

"Its nothing" should be "It's nothing"

'Gonna set your bitch on me?" He asked Junayd.' should be 'Gonna set your bitch on me?" he asked Junayd.'

"not how its meant to be." should be "not how it's meant to be."

---

Comments:

I know the social setup is providing problems for Epifen, but otherwise he seems to be able to surmount any problems that crop up. For an immature character this seems unlikely as he wouldn't have had any chance to practice what he knows.

I think you need to make it more difficult for Epifen to do what he does.

Phill.

Hi again,

Here's some more edits.

---

Chapter 3 edits

'is the medical practice." He began' should be 'is the medical practice," he began'

"read it through your free time" should be "read it in your free time"

Chapter 4 edits

"sounded sooner than I was ready for but" should be "sounded sooner than I was ready for it but"

"balanced out those who were dying" should be "balanced out those who were dying>.<"

"so that I'll be ok during" should be "so that I'll be okay during"

"in an affection manner" should be "in an affectionate manner"

---

It's late here in my part of the world, so I am going to watch list you and read more later. If you're interested in reading a cross genre scifi fantasy, I'd be interested in your comments on my own book 'Engelian Adventures: Transgressions'.

Hope you like it.

Phillberrie.

Hi,

Just finished chapter two and although I originally found your writing style a little strange your story has drawn me in. I shall be reading on, but I thought I should point out a couple of edits I believe you should make.

Chapter 2 edits

"healers table" should be "healers' table"

"we are the most power partnership" should be "we are the most powerful partnership"

"I ate as regardless to whether he had told me or not" clumsy and I'm not sure what you mean.

"its because I absorb more pain that other healers even know exist" should be "it's because I absorb more pain than other healers even know exist"

I have finished reading your book. You do an excellent job of drawing the reader on, into the alien world you have created. My only concern is that it seems to move too easily. Epifen seems to accept the destruction of the world rather easily. Of course, so do the priests and everyone else once it has happened so I guess you could argue that that's their culture and psychology. It just seems that it should be harder.
Nevertheless, I like it and it is well written (typos of course.) I am shelving it.
Nancy

I have watch listed you (actually, I've started reading.) I generally don't comment until I've read everything posted, but I wanted you to know that you drew me in in spite of myself. I'll get back to you.
Nancy