Rough Diamonds (Working Title)

Chapter 1 Thoughts so far.



I'm really enjoying this ,there's so many things I love about it. I know this looks like a load of criticism, but I really am enjoying it loads more than most things I read on here.
Really do feel like I am reading a proper book.

I find that rare on authonomy.
The thing that bugs the shit out of me though is why they all met on the internet?
Makes me think they are a bunch of saddoes.
I would like it much better if they had just all been friends from the pub, one of them moves away or whatever. I'm guessing it might be important later on, the internet thing but you could work out another way to do whatever that is?
Is Gary supposed to be a rough diamond?
He'd be more blokey up if he went to the pub and had some mates. I sort of want to fancy him, and if he was a bit of a rough diamond I would, but as it is, I don't.



Here's some other stuff I noticed.


Would you have "remnants" of a nightmare? Another word maybe?

Bit weird at first, couldn't work out what was going
on because there's these swanky people swanning around and he's feeling like a pea in a curry, which
I agree are totally pointless.( Beef and mushroom curry please- leave the random three peas out, ta very much! )
It was just a bit of a weird thing to find in the first paragraph. I personally find it a really hilarious observation, but it felt a bit
not what I'd want to read in a romance novel.

In fact I don't like the whole dream scene at all. I'd cut it out totally.

I know I've said about popular culture references but the Tommy Cooper thing just jar a bit.
I wonder if this is a conflict for you. I know youve said loads of times you don't write funny stuff, but you are SO funny,
and looks to me like you can't resist throwing the odd one liner here and there.

Why is he speaking to his mother in law? ( maybe that's significant later on)

I got a bit confused in the first part- so it's either me being thick and not taking stuff in or there's too many characters.
Belinda, Susie, Martha, Julia - loads of information! Had to go back and read who was who again- maybe introduce them a bit slower?

"Julia couldn't help notice his eyes" I know some people say point of view matters, and some say it don't but i really noticed it here.

Lovely little moment when he gets in the wrong side. Hints at whether US is for him and will be as easy as he thinks.



So that's what I think about chapter one! Reading on...

Gripping story line and written really well. I can't see anything specific to comment on, can't find any mistakes but will definitely comment again if I come across anything that might be useful :) xxx

Hope you not thinking of changing the title cos its really cool. "Rough Diamond". I pictured it on the big screen. Moving on, your prologue got me turning the pages to follow your interesting characters: Susie, Julie and Gary.

you use very well paced narrative that helps us enjoy your story all the more...
backed...
read SEASONS...

Started to read this and enjoyed so far so added to w/list.
Sarah x

Very interested that you chose the male POV in a romance. That's unusual and I like it. Generally this is well written, pacy and flows smoothly.

1) Long pitch. You give most of the story away here, and from the first chp, I could quite easily guess what the 'surprise' in Florida is. A more intriguing long pitch works better, it sounds too much like a synopsis.

2) First 2 paras feel really overworked. The first two sentences are quite long and read awkwardly to my mind. Also, you're missing some words. You need a stonking first sentence, I'm sure you can do that, don't pull your punches.

3) Henry James famously said "Tell a dream, lose a reader", leave out the dream, it doesn't really add anything and if it does, find a better way to put it in. Dreams come across to the reader as a little lazy, a bit too convenient!

4) The pea in the curry thing seemed odd and not in tune with the rest of the writing. It stood out and was distracting.

5) Lots of women introduced in Chps1 and 2, was a little difficult to keep track of them all.

Apart from that, things started to rattle along at a good pace and it was absorbing. Feels like it needs more things happening, there's quite a lot of backstory early on, but once he got on the plane it was much better, his character started to be revealed more and I started to like him. Didn't seem such a sad bastard.
You're good at detail - the emergency procedure on the airplaine, the late-night chat room, the wet footprints across the carpet. All were strong and evocative.

All the best with this, I can see you're a very talented writer, just need a damn good edit (don't we all).
Highly starred.
Sharda.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

S.C.
Fleeing broken relationships, traveling across oceans and continents, Gary was certainly due for some re-booting. And methinks you did a good job of it. "Rough Diamonds", denoting (in my mind) love in the rough, to be polished with care, does keep one guessing as to the outcome of Gary's confusing entanglements, but there lies the draw, keeping the reader engaged. Your narrative is easy to follow, your dialogue true to character. Thank you so much for the delightful diversion.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

I just finished the 15 chapters you have up here. Very heartwarming!

I have a few typo comments for you if you'd like me to send them in a message.

I’ve read the first three chapters, and I’m really enjoying it. The characters are engaging, and the set-up promises lots of drama.

I did have a problem with the time-line, though. At first I thought that Ch 1 was Gary’s trip to America to marry Laura – but if so, how had it taken him six years to set up, and how come he’d met Susie so long ago? I’ve now more-or-less worked it out, but I wonder if it might help to establish Gary and his time and place more fully before you introduce the flashbacks. I was also very confused about which woman was what, particularly Belinda and Susie.

A few small points –
Ch 1 – ‘Apart from his inability to father a child- it was plain and simple: no histrionics – just a calm and calculated decision’. ‘Apart from his inability to father a child’ doesn’t seem to fit the sentence. Presumably that contributed to the breakup, but rephrasing it might make it clearer.

I know Gary and Julia have been cyber friends for years, but I’d still expect them to be more hesitant face to face to start with.

I realise this is a WIP – I wish my WIPs were in as good shape at this point! Good luck with it, it deserves to do well. Highly rated.

Helen

Well, guess I will have to find out Gary's surprise...Will crack on a few chapters tonight..:)

A nice, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

The story is well written. I did have a few nitpicks in the first chapter.

After some careful reading I got the different female characters worked out. I guess what doesn’t work for me is the amount of space given to Gary’s beating himself up about his failures and how everything’s lost. His depressing thoughts go around in circles. What would make the story more dynamic for me would be: Brief recollection of past failures. The dream scene shows us what Gary wants from the relationship with Susie. And a faster transition to Gary actually meeting Susie, and letting action and dialogue demonstrate the fraught dynamic, which exists between the two of them.

An alternative to Gary’s introspection would be time-line vignettes. Showing Gary in real time as a functioning individual enjoying romance – the deep love, which exists between him and Susie (action, dialogue) – the heartbreaking goodbye. That would have my tongue hanging out, waiting for them to get together again.
NITPICKS.
Last sentence second para. Is missing a subject. I think you need to insert: he. Possibly the (each) in that sentence is redundant.

Love the simile, pea in a curry. Graphic. Works well.

The sound of his fingertips drumming against (eagerly) the surface of the desk was like (herd of) galloping horses… () redundant.

If only it were that simple: A cliché.

Tighten sentence: Julia, his cyber friend, had been far more comfort… (this clause suggests the strength of their friendship.)
(A cyber friend: usually, someone you haven’t met in person.) It would be necessary to mention the fact if you have met the person in the flesh.

All the best, LD with Rough Diamonds. I like the premise. You certainly have the talent to pull it off.

Hi Sue,

I read three chapters so far, and I always take notes when I'm doing reviews so I won't forget important points.
Anyway...

Chapter 1

I thought the sort of dream you had in there with Susie was a nice touch. Obviously I've realized she means a lot to Gary in such a short time. One thing I found pretty confusing was that there were so many female names introduced in such a short span of time. Susie, the ex-wife Belinda, Julie, Laura...all in just a few paragraphs. I don't know if there is any way you could change this, though, especially if they are all pivotal for the story. Maybe introducing one later? I don't know, those were just my thoughts, all of them introduced in such rapid succession kind of threw me.

Chapter 2

You mentioned that Gary 'sauntered'. I didn't think 'sauntered' was a good word to describe the walk of someone who seems so dejected. If anything I pictured him slouching. I did like the way Julia and Susie described his eyes, though, that was beautiful. I noticed there was an awful lot of dialogue with no breaks- I know that that's just how conversation flows, but I would have liked some brief pauses, maybe for description, since there seemed to be very little. Which brings me to my next point; I'm not sure if Gary had ever visited America before this point; if he hadn't, I would have expected him to be taking in the sights, etc. And I felt like the conversation sort of dragged a bit (the one between him and Julia); I think it could do with some shortening. Maybe they can say more in less lines, somehow,, if that makes any sense. I did like the letter from Susie you added toward the end- a nice snapshot of their relationship. I like how you're revealing more of her (and Gary too) in pieces. Keeps the reader entertained.

Chapter 3

Through the flashbacks you added, I feel as though I know Susie already even though she as a character hasn't really been introduced yet. In fact I kind of feel like I know her better than anyone else.
Something I started to notice in Chapter 2 that began to grate on my nerves was Julia's constant use of the word 'honey'. Actually in chapter 3, pretty much every time she speaks, she utters the word honey. I have never heard anyone in life use that word quite so often, and it really pulled me out of her character. I did notice that Gary seems to be SO inside his own head (I've had the same comments from people who have reviewed my stuff; I am hoping that you, like me, reveal why this is once the readers gets deeper into the story).

Overall, I think you've got a nice style, and your characterizations are great. With Susie and Gary especially, it was like you breathed life into them for me. I didn't notice any mechanical errors, and the whole thing read smoothly to me. I can see from your pitch this is going to be a lot more than just a cookie-cutter love story (from the brain tumor he apparently has, etc). My only real issues were the lack of descriptions in some places and the frequent use of endearments from Julia. I really enjoyed the flashbacks because it let me know, little by little, what the whole novel would ultimately be about.

So those are my worthless thoughts! I hope I was able to be of some help, but feel free to ignore me! Haha

Melissa

Firstly, I've really enjoyed reading this. It's very polished and I like that it is dialogue-driven, rather than relying on a lot of narrative. It suits the style of the book. The plot is intriguing, everyone loves a will they/won't they story and this delivers. The internet chatroom is a great idea for bringing in loads of characters but I do tend to have a set picture in my mind of the sort of people that use them and Gary doesn't feel like that sort of person to me. He's a really engaging character but then I think of the chatroom and he immediately becomes, to my mind, a rather socially inept bloke I know from our village pub - and I don't think he's that. This is only a personal opinion though.

I found the introduction of so many characters (most with names ending in 'a' - Belinda, Julia, Laura) in chapter 1 a bit confusing and had to go back a couple of times to remind myself who I was reading about. Maybe you could call them Myfanwy, Gobnet and Morag - only kidding!

All in all though, a really enjoyable read, well written, good characterisation, pacy plot that makes me want to read on so the above are really only tiny criticisms.

A constellation of stars and on my watchlist for future backing.

Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

this is a timely book for today´s pop culture, and one that many will connect with. it has its charm, too. you have a bit of coma overuse in your long pitch which could be cleaned up. but this is a solid start.
j
what every woman should know

My first impression of Gary was... wow, what a cyber playboy! There were so many different women pertinent to his life introduced in the first chapter, I completely lost the plot and had to go back and read it all over again.

So from the top...

I found the opening sentence good, particularly liked the way you ended it, but it did seem a touch over long. You could probably edit it down to two more digestible snippets, which would be just as good, without too much effort.

The Susie dream scene as well as being poignant was quite funny. Loved the whole part about the curry etc... Brilliant!

Him leaving the shower and going to the bed for a towel made me think... typical man – forgot to take it with him.

Then it started to get confusing. He's thinking of contacting Susie while preparing to go and catch a flight to meet Julia, no scratch that, I meant Laura. Fine, I was still with you so far. Then you slipped into flashback about how he'd met Julia and whammo – now's he's with someone called Belinda. Then it was Laura, who he's about to marry (!) and then it was Julia again before we got back to Susie. Hello, I thought, this guy needs his head sorting out.

The whole chapter might have been clearer if you'd have let us get to know Gary a bit more first, letting us in on where he was going and why in a lot more detail, before dropping in so many flashbacks. Or even given the reader the full experience of all those mind-bending past events so I could see how they were affecting his character. It was too much and too many people to take in all at once.

If you drew all of those female characters out of their hiding place and give them page space to show how they've mistreated him, I'd have a lot more empathy with Gary as the suffering protagonist.

I get the impression, just from reading this, you probably write at the velocity of light. Might be a good idea to go back and fill in the bits you missed going over the speed bumps. I wanted to read the bits like Belinda leaving him for his boss not just find out with a second hand memory.

This has to be the most entertaining and useful crits I've ever had. LOL funny too. I love Sheena! x

Chapter 1 Thoughts so far.



I'm really enjoying this ,there's so many things I love about it. I know this looks like a load of criticism, but I really am enjoying it loads more than most things I read on here.
Really do feel like I am reading a proper book.

I find that rare on authonomy.
The thing that bugs the shit out of me though is why they all met on the internet?
Makes me think they are a bunch of saddoes.
I would like it much better if they had just all been friends from the pub, one of them moves away or whatever. I'm guessing it might be important later on, the internet thing but you could work out another way to do whatever that is?
Is Gary supposed to be a rough diamond?
He'd be more blokey up if he went to the pub and had some mates. I sort of want to fancy him, and if he was a bit of a rough diamond I would, but as it is, I don't.



Here's some other stuff I noticed.


Would you have "remnants" of a nightmare? Another word maybe?

Bit weird at first, couldn't work out what was going
on because there's these swanky people swanning around and he's feeling like a pea in a curry, which
I agree are totally pointless.( Beef and mushroom curry please- leave the random three peas out, ta very much! )
It was just a bit of a weird thing to find in the first paragraph. I personally find it a really hilarious observation, but it felt a bit
not what I'd want to read in a romance novel.

In fact I don't like the whole dream scene at all. I'd cut it out totally.

I know I've said about popular culture references but the Tommy Cooper thing just jar a bit.
I wonder if this is a conflict for you. I know youve said loads of times you don't write funny stuff, but you are SO funny,
and looks to me like you can't resist throwing the odd one liner here and there.

Why is he speaking to his mother in law? ( maybe that's significant later on)

I got a bit confused in the first part- so it's either me being thick and not taking stuff in or there's too many characters.
Belinda, Susie, Martha, Julia - loads of information! Had to go back and read who was who again- maybe introduce them a bit slower?

"Julia couldn't help notice his eyes" I know some people say point of view matters, and some say it don't but i really noticed it here.

Lovely little moment when he gets in the wrong side. Hints at whether US is for him and will be as easy as he thinks.



So that's what I think about chapter one! Reading on...

Chapter 1 Thoughts so far.



I'm really enjoying this ,there's so many things I love about it. I know this looks like a load of criticism, but I really am enjoying it loads more than most things I read on here.
Really do feel like I am reading a proper book.

I find that rare on authonomy.
The thing that bugs the shit out of me though is why they all met on the internet?
Makes me think they are a bunch of saddoes.
I would like it much better if they had just all been friends from the pub, one of them moves away or whatever. I'm guessing it might be important later on, the internet thing but you could work out another way to do whatever that is?
Is Gary supposed to be a rough diamond?
He'd be more blokey up if he went to the pub and had some mates. I sort of want to fancy him, and if he was a bit of a rough diamond I would, but as it is, I don't.



Here's some other stuff I noticed.


Would you have "remnants" of a nightmare? Another word maybe?

Bit weird at first, couldn't work out what was going
on because there's these swanky people swanning around and he's feeling like a pea in a curry, which
I agree are totally pointless.( Beef and mushroom curry please- leave the random three peas out, ta very much! )
It was just a bit of a weird thing to find in the first paragraph. I personally find it a really hilarious observation, but it felt a bit
not what I'd want to read in a romance novel.

In fact I don't like the whole dream scene at all. I'd cut it out totally.

I know I've said about popular culture references but the Tommy Cooper thing just jar a bit.
I wonder if this is a conflict for you. I know youve said loads of times you don't write funny stuff, but you are SO funny,
and looks to me like you can't resist throwing the odd one liner here and there.

Why is he speaking to his mother in law? ( maybe that's significant later on)

I got a bit confused in the first part- so it's either me being thick and not taking stuff in or there's too many characters.
Belinda, Susie, Martha, Julia - loads of information! Had to go back and read who was who again- maybe introduce them a bit slower?

"Julia couldn't help notice his eyes" I know some people say point of view matters, and some say it don't but i really noticed it here.

Lovely little moment when he gets in the wrong side. Hints at whether US is for him and will be as easy as he thinks.



So that's what I think about chapter one! Reading on...

This is one of the better books on this site. It doesn't have a lot of elaborate details; however, that doesn't diminish its charm. It is cuttingly funny in some places, and completely absorbing. This book is a work of art.

Not many writers can write with such power and gave real life to their characters mainly through dialogue. You have a no nonsense character description, and situation description that would take many pages for most other writers.

The book's plot and sentimentality will give all kinds of different readers what they want. For the urban sophisticate who wants to snicker and sneer at emotional camouflage, there's plenty here. There's even more for the mainstream audience who want a good, believable story and don’t mind keeping some Kleenex beside the chair.

Well done Sue. You've done it again. You know you are one of my favorite authors!

I read six chapters of Rough Diamonds and I really enjoyed it! Gary seems so lost but he's somehow still so likeable. And nice job with the Austin reveal. I figured it out before you actually spelled it out, but it was nicely alluded to with Julia's slip of the tongue and then casually her pregnancy was mentioned. I think its very easy for the reader to put it together and its done very elegantly. I'm loving the story and Julia, well, we all need a friend like her!
Some constructive crits:
Chapter 1 has a lot going on. I was lost a bit but I just scrolled through the comments and I see its a common theme. Moving on, then....
I am confused about this: In Chapter 5 and 6 does Gary realize that Austin is his?? If so, then his reaction isn't believable. If not, why hasn't he put it together?? This is puzzling me.
I think his health issue is a tad glossed over. OR maybe you get into it further later. If so, ignore me.
A minor nit:
"...cracking her face..." this jumped out at me as being awkward. I never know if its a British/American thing or if it really needs rewording, though.

I WL'd it and will be reading more. Your forum comments always crack me up, so I thought your book must be a smart fun read. I was right! :-)
Good luck!
KM

Strong dialogue, realistic environments, great dream sequences, and just refreshing to read good stuff. I'll continue read the story because the character Gary is compelling.

Sounds like an intriguing story and I'll have to read on.

In kind, I wrote a devilish tale involving the Caribbean, West Africa, and my beloved New Orleans and bayou country. "The Devil Of Black Bayou" is a story with characters that kick it up a notch in a place known for excess, The French Quarter. Be warned when sinking your teeth into my novel. The characters might bite back.

Just read the first two chapters and you have me in suspense at how Susie will react and what if anything will happen between her and Gary.
I think the idea between the chat room, arranged marriage, unknown child, people meeting over the internet is a great one, and you have managed to entwine each strand of the plot beautifully.
I did notice a couple of typos in the first chapter, but have forgotten what / where they were as I didn't take notes (sorry). I do know that a couple of them were missing words.
The only negative thing I can think of in my opinion (so ignore at will) is that the first chapter seemed very long and could possibly be split up?
I like your writing, so good luck with this!
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A smoldering start. By the end of the first chapter I'm invested in Gary and want to see how things turn out for him. Artful descriptions. Simmering tension. Smooth pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) I became totally confused with five women being introduced so fast and had to reread and take notes on who was who. You don't want that.
2) ' ... happiness etched deep into his expression as the duke box played their favourite song.' 'Duke' should be 'juke.'
3) 'He'd always found the flight attendants robotic demonstrations quite comical.' Attendants (plural) should be attendants' (plural possessive).
4) 'Sods law, if they did, one would get a fit of the giggles.' 'Sods law' should be 'Sod's law.'
5) 'Gary turned around and acknowledged the woman that had been sitting next to him for the past nine hours.' 'That' should be 'who.'
6) 'I'm supposed to meeting a friend in an hour.' 'Meeting' should be 'meet.'
7) 'I'm fine honey; ... ' Comma after 'fine.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are many more cases in this chapter ( and perhaps in the manuscript) where you address someone in in dialogue, but didn't offset their name or title with a comma.
8) 'I loved that place.' Remove the quote mark before 'I.'
9) Hyphenate 'grey haired.'
10) 'It has to be seven years or more. Put a closing quote mark after 'more.'

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a marvelous day, Sue.

Al

I love the plot-line for this story, especially because the protagonist is male and his POV is endlessly intriguing. I'm not sure how it happened, but ;my sympathies were clearing with Gary by the end of the chapter, even though in real life a man like him would probably not get any sympathy from me. :) But getting into his head, his opening dream, the way he looked back on his life made him human to me and even vulnerable.

I always love this author's work and Rough Diamonds is no exception. It may be the best storyline of all (not including little George, of course, who is in a class of his own.)

I read the first chapter and did enjoy it, although to me it seemed somewhat long. I did find I had to go back a few times and re read as I wasn't sure exactly who he was referring to. That said and done I found the chapter entertaining and could picture this is real life. The inter net chat lines etc. I hoping to get back and read more.
Well done
Regards, Red
Illusions of Comfort

I don't feel qualified enough to write a review on this genre, but I'll do my best. Chapter 10 made a lot of sense to me, which can only be a good thing considering I have not read the previous nine. It is generally well written and I get a sense that this is the real turning point in the novel. The reader gets a thorough explanation of the whole Gary and Susie love affair and the conflict which kept them apart. It is not the type of story I would usually read, but I cannot find fault with its style, and I'm sure readers of this genre would be very appreciative of your efforts.

One minor typo - you wrote "ever curse word under the sun" instead of "every curse word under the sun."
The only thing I would change - and this is just my opinion - would be by making Gary much more aggressive upon finding out he has been a father all those years and maybe have some time alone to reflect and gather his thoughts on the life changing events. Of course that's just one man's opinion.

You write well and that's all that matters. It flows nicely and is not over written.

Best of luck with it.

Marc

- Rough Diamonds -

(chapters 1-3)

I can’t say I’ve ever read much romance and I also can’t say I know my arse from my elbow as far as writing goes so most of my comment can and should be taken with caution and due derision.

Anyhoo, I enjoyed the prose, which I found very readable and I’d say the story is very modern. I liked the idea of the online relationship supplanting the ‘real’ ones and this escape to the US by some rather unusual means.

For some reason, I found myself mixed up with who was who, among the female characters now and then. I seemed to get Gary’s ex, his online girl and his US bride confused a fair bit. I was pretty tired when I read though so there is a chance that could have played into it. That said, I think there may have been one or two points were the various women were mentioned in quick succession and that tripped me up. The bit in the first chapter springs to mind where Gary is at the airport in the US and we hear of what Julia thought about Gary then it moves onto ‘Susie had always insisted’ etc.

The only other general point was I thought some of the first chapter could possibly be cut to move things faster. For example, when Gary is sitting on the plane to the US. I imagine that could be cut – and we could go straight to customs in the US – without losing anything major. Just my novice random thoughts though….



Some nitpicks, some of which I hope may prove useful……..



Chapter one

-‘wishing the stabbing memories eating at his gut’. I think the ‘stabbing’ could be lost here as ‘eating at his gut’ gets the message over pretty clearly so it’s kind of doubling up unnecessarily for my money.

-‘His fingertips wrapped eagerly against the keyboard like a herd of galloping horses’. I found the simile a bit distracting as it wasn’t one that landed with me as an image. I think ‘eagerly’ gets the image over on its own.

-‘as if by miracle his words would reach her.’ Should it be ‘by A miracle’?

-The Tommy Cooper reference felt a bit out of place and distracting for me. I once had a Lenny Henry one like that in mine that I felt I had to cut for the same reason.

-‘nine and a half hours of pure boredom that lie ahead’. Should it be ‘LAY ahead’?



Chapter two

-Bit of repetition in ‘with the same dreamy expression he’d seen in the dream’

-I think the second ‘chat room’ could be cut in ‘The chat room allowed wav files…….. as she logged into the chat room….’


Chapter three

-I think a comma after ‘eyes’ would help the sentence read better in ‘Julia rolled her eyes unable to hide her irritation.’

Hope that wasn’t all too pedantic and something in there was of some use. As I say, I’m a novice at this writing malarkey so I make no claims to being right in anything I’ve said.

All the best with it,

Ross

I really enjoyed this, Sue. The prose is very smooth and has an engagingly conversational, almost chatty feel which really allows the reader to identify with Gary’s mindset. Gary himself comes across as a complex, appealingly flawed main character, someone I can immediately empathise with and care about. The dialogue is particularly good – real and purposeful and a clever way both to move the storyline along and flesh out the various characters. The plot feels well thought out and multi-layered and, with its mix of drama, pathos and romance, should appeal to a broad cross section of readers. You only have to look at the success of novels like David Nicholls’ One Day to realize romance is no longer a ‘niche’ genre. This feels like a novel very much ‘of the moment’ and I can see it being a genuine commercial proposition.

If I were to offer any criticism it would be that there’s an awful lot going on in the opening chapters (both in terms of back story, characters, locations etc) and I did find myself having to backtrack to remind myself who was who, where and when something took place etc. Maybe try and limit the number of scenes early on in the book so the reader’s focus is more settled (allowing them to become fully familiar with the novel’s plot and character basics) and then expand the scope of the narrative? For example, the initial italicised dream sections could be something Gary thinks about on the plane having just woken from a fitful sleep? Just a thought.

In short, a stylishly written, very involving contemporary romance. Highly starred and on my shelf. Thanks and best of luck. P

ROUGH DIAMONDS
I don’t usually like stories that begin with a dream because so many begin that way, but for this story, it works. It’s a good way to introduce both Susie and Gary. The way he opens the wrong car door is an amusing cross-culture detail; we’ve all made that same mistake so can relate to that easily. I think dialogue is one of your writing strengths; it flows easily and sounds real. Makes this a good read. Highly rated and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

In "Rough Diamonds," Sue Edwards presents a well-described story, with bits of humor thrown in. The dialogue is not over-done, and the things each character says reflects their personality and outlook quite well. The writing is smooth, easy to follow, and the characters are believable. You can pick up on their flaws, but not resent them for it.

Overall, it is a well-written story, with plenty of description, but not too much to overwhelm the reader or sound superficial or burdensome.

Shaun Holt
"Waiting for the Rain"

I just finished reading what you have posted! First of all, let me tell you that I was very impressed with the writing! You do a great job of describing Gary’s internal thoughts and feelings in a realistic and at times poetic way.

I think the way you set up the romantic situation with Gary and the four women in his life in the first chapter is a little confusing. It’s Susie he’s pining for in the nightmare, but then you tell the audience that Belinda is his ex-wife and go into the details of their failed marriage. I think these details can wait until later—it’s Susie we’re interested in. Who is she? Why did he lose her? Also, introducing the four women within paragraphs of each other is a little overwhelming. Perhaps mention his first wife, but save the rest for later.

I was also a bit confused about the timeline of the story. I thought Gary was flying to the US to marry Laura, but when he arrives it’s Julia he meets, and he’s already divorced Laura? Reading over it again, I realized that we’re a lot further in the story than I’d thought, but it would be helpful if you either condensed the flashbacks into a few explanatory sentences or expanded on them.

A lot happens in this chapter, and there are a lot of complex relationships introduced. Structurally speaking, I think it would make sense to split it in two—one focusing on Gary’s past and the women in his lives, and the next starting with him on the airplane and then getting off to meet Julia.

The story really takes off after chapter 2, and I’m afraid I have very little to say about everything that comes – and I mean that as a good thing! You do a great job depicting the characters, who really seem to come to life, and setting up the dramas. The only thing I would caution you about are the lengthy dialogues. While you do a good job of making it feel natural and realistic, it can get a bit boring when they’re basically just chatting, as opposed to something that might illustrate their relationships and interactions.

After Susie arrives though, Julia’s role is considerably diminished, and after a while I started to wonder what her purpose as a character was other than to bring the two of them together again. It seemed from earlier that you might be setting up a love triangle, and if that’s the case, then I think you could make it clearer by spending more time in her head, describing how she feels about reuniting the Gary and Susie. Or I might just be off about that – either way, I think you should make her purpose in the story clearer, otherwise she seems like something of a third wheel in the Gary-Susie relationship.

I noticed that you sometimes jump POVs in the middle of a section – here are the ones I caught:

In chapter 2, I noticed that before Julia’s flashback, it seems like the narrative is in Gary’s POV. But the memory is clearly Julia’s, so I think that short section before the memory would be better if it were in Julia’s POV to begin with.

At the end of chapter 6, “That was all Austin needed to know…” is written from Austin’s POV while the rest of the chapter is in Susie’s.

In chapter 7, it isn’t clear who’s POV the story is being told from. It seems like Gary’s from “Susie looked confused,” but then Susie’s when she starts fretting about him finding out about Austin.

In Chapter 8, the section that suddenly describes Gary’s feelings is disconcerting because the rest is Susie’s POV – what are Gary’s thoughts doing in Susie’s memory? (on a side note – the end of chapter 8 and the beginning of chapter 9 are the same – I think you might have some vestiges of edits past there)

Anyhow, overall I think you’ve got an interesting story here – lots of drama to be sure. The characters really spring to life, and the emotions are very well described. Good luck with the rest of it!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

this book is easy to read. perhaps it is in chapter 5 that the story begins to make sense and come alive. i think you could bring this forward a few chapters, and leave out the detail that isn´t really building. the long pitch is a bit redundant and choppy. you could make it more engaging....
j
what every woman should know

ok, read the prologue, the bit where "his father had suffered" etc it is not clear enough who it is you must clarify that paragraph. i know it is all meant to be his pov but at this point it wasnt clear. just change his mother to garys mother maybe.

but hom and i kmow i can say this cos weve known each other a while i think you can shorten this prologue q a bit without losing too much. i mean a lot of this is backstory good but not essential to know, right?

anyway it reads easy and the main thing is the story. it looks like u r setting up the story well.

Sue, overall I like your style and I find your writing easy to read. I like character driven stories, dealing with difficult shared histories so you have my attention with the concept of this story.

I promised to be honest and I do have some points I noted.

I was ambivalent about prologues before I joined this site but the more books I read here the more I ask about the need for a prologue. I do appreciate the background this one sets out, giving some insight into Gary's emotional state and I liked the last line, great little hook. However, it didn't excite me or get me itching to read the rest of the book (until that final line).

The opening paragraphs of the first chapter left me re-reading and working out who was who, how long they'd known each other and what was happening. The chapter really started to spring into life for me when Gary met up with Julia. Their dialogue worked well, it gave way to information about Susie and Gary's history, I worked out who Laura was and how she fitted in and that Julia's friendship to both Susie and Gary could be the lynch pin to bring this relationship a new spark. It dropped a hint at a secret Gary is yet to discover (I'm wondering if there is a secret child involved here) and to the illness the pitch talks about. (Ah! - Just read the conversation between Julie and Susie in the flashback in chapter two.)

I have a great-uncle called Austen - after reading chapter five I'm wondering where his name came from. Chapter five feels the strongest so far.

I've read the prologue and first six chapters so far and I'm getting hooked. I'm posting these comments for now but when I get a chance to finish it I'll come back if I have anything else to add. The chapters since Susie got on the plane shine out and have pulled me in. I'm connecting with the characters now and caring about where this relationship is going. I will be reading the rest of the uploaded chapters.

Hi Sue,

I've read the prologue and first five chapters of Rough Diamonds. Overall, I like your writing, and I think this book has great potential. It’s character-driven and I think Gary will learn and grow through the story. Your characters are well-developed, you grammar and spelling are good. Your descriptions are detailed. Pacing could use some tightening. Here are some of my thoughts:

Prologue and Chapter 1

First, I suggest you do away with the prologue. It’s called a backstory info dump. It’s much better to sprinkle in the backstory like breadcrumbs. Literary agents have told me that. Second, the dream sequence in the opening should be eliminated. That’s another thing literary agents warn against opening with.

He’d already wasted too much time. He had to explain. –to whom? As I read on, I realized it was Susie, but it was a bit confusing.

Have you considered starting your story while Gary is on the airplane? Transatlantic flights are long and boring. He could be thinking about Susie and Julia, and you could sprinkle in the backstory that way. You could have his thoughts occasionally interrupted by flight attendants, intercom updates, turbulence, that sort of thing.

Chapter 2

The italicized segment showing a conversation between Julia and Susie—it threw me because I didn’t immediately realize it was a flashback, especially when you double spaced before it began and after it ended.
Also it was confusing when you switched viewpoints after that flashback but didn’t indicate the switch with ***.

Chapter 3 and 4

I didn’t see any problems with the third or fourth chapters.

Chapter 5

This is my favorite chapter. I was waiting for Susie’s viewpoint and you gave it. Thanks. Now I can’t wait to see what happens when she and Gary see each other and Gary finds out about his son.

I’ll be back to read more. I hope this is the kind of critique you were looking for.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

I only got to read a small portion of this story but what little I did was well written and made me wish I had more time to delve deeper. Nice work.

Hi Sue

Sorry I am a bit of a crap commentator as I tend to get so involved in a story I forget to analyse it! Then I have to put my crit hat on and start again. I love Prologues, always have one in my books. While I have a pretty good idea of this fellow Gary now I think there is a tad *too* much information for a Prologue. Maybe you might leave all the stuff about the fishing & the happy childhood for later, perhaps in a conversation with someone, as I don't see that it's so relevant at this stage.

I can't fault the writing, Sue, so that's not an issue that needs addressing. It all flows nicely and I will read more as soon as I can. My time is pretty much taken with revision ATM.

Tonia
x

This is easy to read, the story telling is very clear - a page turner.

David

On my WL, Sue, & will def read as soon as I can.

Tonia

Dear Sue

I have read the best part of the first three chapters of your new book, "Things You Remember, Things You Don't" and, in common with your other work, I find it engaging and well observed. The dialogue convinces and your portrayals are sympathetic.

I heard you were interested in feedback. I'd like a little more background on the characters, especially the ladies, so that in my mind I can more easily sort out Julia from Laura and Susie. How did Gary meet Julie? And why does he have so little luck with the ladies? Is he unlucky, or does he just not know how to get over his mistakes? If you can anchor these characters with more detail about them earlier on, I would find it much easier enjoy your story and your confident writing.

All the best. I am pleased that you write so well, with such an open, accessible style.

All the best

Fran :-)

Really like this. Pitch totally pulled me in. Very curious what the surprise in Florida is so I just had to have a quick read, which of course turned into four chapters and now I’ve no diner made for the kids- whoops.

I’m always unsure about the whole does a prologue work/doesn’t it…yours really does. Completely flung me into the story and I felt I had a good understanding of Gary straight away.

Have this on my shelf and look forward to coming back for more. Will leave a proper comment then, for now I just wanted to let you know how much I like it so far.