Ghost Estate

Great writing and dialogue. I'll be damned if I wasn't having flashbacks of my own except in West Africa (Nigeria). I decided to pass on Afghanistan. Compelling characters and good tension. Can't wait to read on.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

My highlight is the dialogue in last paragraph in chapter 17. Real talk

Hi Nick - I’ve just read the first 2 chapters of GHOST ESTATE and despite this not being my kind of genre I really enjoyed the read. Intriguing pitches helped me move beyond the ‘war zone’ which would ordinarily put me off! The characterisation is excellent, the scene-setting evocative and the back story excellently done. I now can’t wait to get to the action in Dublin…

Tiny niggle: I spotted some repetition in the opening chapter – ‘nice little’. Maybe deliberate?

I loved the final sentences of Ch 1. One thing I would suggest is actually shortening it for more impact. You write: ‘Focusing on covering ground, the monotony soon hit me and it didn’t take long for Dublin to creep in through the back door of my mind, bringing with it some unwelcome images.’ I felt that this great image might carry more punch like this: ‘Covering ground, the monotony soon hit me and it didn’t take long for Dublin to creep in through the back door of my mind.’ Particularly as we lead straight into the scene with the Garda.

In this next extract, I loved the dialogue and the way you evoke the tension among the regulars, O’Donnell’s command over them, what’s about to happen next. I felt it could maybe hold the pace better with less description, and maybe even converting some of the narrative into dialogue too. You write:

“He informed the regulars, whom he thought were inferior human beings to legionnaires, not to get too relaxed and that this mission was a ‘kill op’, not reconnaissance. I heard him tell them that if we could get the shot we were gonna take it.

‘This little market town,’ he roared at them ‘is about to be stirred up like a fucking hornets’ nest, and it’s you boys,’ he informed the regulars, pointing at them with a huge grin on his face, ‘that are going to have to clean up after us.’

Their laughing stopped and to a man they became very quiet. It seemed to dawn on these young soldiers just what was actually happening. A six man sniper team of the French Foreign Legion were being let loose on a village less than fifteen miles away from here.”

OK, so here’s my (very humble) suggestion:

He sized up the regulars. ‘This little market town is about to be stirred up like a fucking hornets’ nest, and it’s you boys that are going to have to clean up after us.’

Their laughing stopped.

‘You lot aren’t legionnaires. Don’t get too relaxed. This mission is a ‘kill op’, not reconnaissance. If we get the shot we’re gonna take it.’

I could see it on their faces, these young soldiers. Just what was actually happening. A six-man sniper team of the French Foreign Legion were about to be let loose on a village less than fifteen miles away.

They stared at us as we sat aboard the 4x4…

Anyway, just very humble suggestions. You have a brilliant story, fantastic pace and an MC that I am drawn to. Highly starred.

I’m a huge thriller fan, Nick and this feels like it should be right up my street. I’ve read chapters one to six so far and thoroughly enjoyed them. The writing is very smooth with very few typos, formatting slip-ups etc. Some of your compound nouns/adjectives (eg ‘sand-coloured’, ‘plain-clothes’) need hyphens, numbers for things like age etc are probably better represented as words rather than numerals and words like ‘Dad’, ‘Mum’ etc need a capital letter if used as a ‘name’ rather than to denote a ‘relationship’, but they’re all really easy fixes. I’m also not a big fan of first person/past tense narratives as I’m always wondering how the hell the narrator can remember what happened in such unflinching detail (precisely what someone was wearing, specific emotional responses, verbatim dialogue etc) but I know that’s just me and most people don’t have a problem with it.

The prose is crisp and clean and feels entirely in keeping with Danny’s character/background etc. Not that it’s dull or one dimensional. It’s terrifically evocative with some wonderfully vivid descriptive passages and reflections but, at all times, the writing feels character-led rather than something the author has simply dropped in to suggest a certain emotion/mood etc. I love the way you sometimes use really short, declarative sentences (eg ‘Those fucking dreams.’) to give real punch to the prose and allow the reader an immediate, intense snapshot of the way Danny’s mind is working. Nicely done.

Emotionally, Danny comes across as a rather haunted, almost broken individual and the contrast between his fragile mental state and the robust, almost robot-like efficiency born of his army training works really well to create an extremely complex, believable character, someone the reader can immediately empathise with and root for.

In some ways, I like how, in the opening chapters, you drip-feed certain information so Danny’s back story co-mingles with the goings-on in Afghanistan. I did feel, however, that sometimes the sections referring to what happened to his wife felt slightly forced, almost like an authorial ‘flashback’ rather than something Danny was naturally thinking about. Similarly, I also found the subplot surrounding the assassination of the Afghan recruiter a little frustrating as it takes quite a while before it becomes 100% clear exactly what is going on, what the recruiter has done to warrant his assassination, what Danny’s orders are etc. I’m all for narrative opaqueness but the combination of trying to work out what happened to Danny’s wife while, at the same time, attempting to make sense of what’s going on in Afghanistan, for me, felt a bit too much like hard work. Maybe keep the opaqueness surrounding what happened to Danny’s wife but make the scenes with the recruiter much clearer and straightforward?? Just a thought.

The dialogue is particularly good. It’s real and purposeful and the ‘voices’ of the various characters feel consistent and distinct. Some of the punctuation re dialogue needs looking at (eg ‘It’s not exactly Dollymount Strand though, is it [comma not full-stop] I yelled above...' (actually, the dialogue should probably end in a question mark as, despite being rhetorical, it’s still technically a question??) although, again, this is an easy fix. The sense of ‘place’ – both in Afghanistan and Ireland – is subtly but very persuasively evoked. It’s clear you’ve done your research (esp re Afghanistan, the Foreign Legion etc) but you don’t feel the need to ram your research down the reader’s throat. It’s just there, in the background, adding colour and depth to the scenes. Clever stuff.

The chapters themselves work very well with a good blend of action/dialogue/character introspection and nicely underplayed climactic plot hooks to encourage the reader to read on. The plot as a whole feels well thought-out and complex and, with its mix of action, drama, intrigue, social commentary etc, should appeal to a broad cross-section of readers.

In short, a very stylish, pacy, thought-provoking thriller. Highly starred and on my watchlist for further reading. Thanks and best of luck. P

Hi Nick,

I'm really enjoying this. Were you in the army yourself? It reads as if you were.
It's very impressive. Well written, well researched and very well constructed. Leading to and from the memories and present day and so on.

So far it reminds me of Hunter S. Thompson's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (similar narrative) but applied to the military.

Sorry for such a short comment. I basically just wanted to let you know my first thoughts.

Highly starred and will be back to read more.

Cheers,
Adam

Well, I have read the first four and I will read the rest after walking the dogs.
Excellent, I didn't think I would like this at chapter one because I thought it would be all based in Afghanistan. Yet it didn't take long though before I was hooked. I was hooked even before I knew Dan was being sent home. You decribe the heat over there - the oven that it was, wonderfully. Then I was introduced to Dan's heartache. He can't sleep, even the smallest nap brings dreams. Already I know in chapter one that this character is harbouring something awful, has been through a lot. I then learn that he is to be sent back to Ireland.
Jane's death was such a realistic death, more and more of such incidents are happening thses days that it's easy for anyone reading to understand how it could happen. The fact that no one comes forward makes me think that this character (the motorbike rider who steal the phone) whoever he is, is going to be avenged? Could be wrong, but I guess I'll soon find out!
You describe the settings in an easy manner, you don't get all flowerey, you simply give the reader a clear picture and in my opinion, just the right amount. Too much description slows my reading down. A few lines stood out and if I wasn't already convinced of the talent needed to write this, they sealed the deal,
one 'entombed in a glass vault' the other 'the celtic tiger stirred into action'.
So far I loved it, you have created a book that effortless draw the reader in, it flows smoothly and so far has been a pleasure to read. Starred highly and well done.

Jayne (gjas78)

What a great read!!!!
From the very beginning you had me hooked. The time in Afghanistan, the memories, dreams and the job on hand were all blended so well together. The arrival at the airport in Dublin, the strange men, the description on the estate where Danny's dad lived etc all run on so beautifully.
All the while I was reading, I needed to know what was going to happen next and you never let up.
I saw a couple of typos in chapters 1 and 5 (but can't remember where they were), but this is really a fantastic read!
I'd certainly recommend this to anyone.
Good luck with this - top stars!!!!
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

Really like the style of this book, easy to realte to and the frank way it is told via characters thoughts.
An interesting read

This is good stuff and I definitely think it would sell. I've only read the first chapter but I'll be backing it and I'll try to return to read some more another time. I liked the hook you provide at the end of the first chapter and your prose is very assured.

Would you mind having a look at my book if you have time? http://www.authonomy.com/books/42114/the-metal-throne/

Thanks and good luck!

Sarah

Comments for Ghost Estate

Cover – Maybe the title/font can be set out a bit better. I know this isn’t a cover judging contest, but the title and author’s name is a bit hard to see.

Short pitch – Good. Makes me want to read on. I might change the last sentence to ‘And now he faces the biggest challenge of his life.’ It’d the ‘what he finds’ bit that feels clunk to me.

Long pitch – Oh, yes. This all sounds quite kick ass.

I’ve read through the first chapter. The story works best when military details, terminology and language are used to lend an air of authenticity. It suggests to me that you’ve either done your research, or that you have personal experience. I can’t get enough of these details, to be honest, and I think you’d be wise to fully exploit them in these scenarios.

I think you can start with a punchier opening. Why not begin with the soldier’s heading out in the very first sentences? This will create a source of tension. You can then fill in the backstory and musings of your MC during the journey.

On a technical side, I’d endeavour to make the prose more direct. There are 69 ‘was’’ in this chapter. It isn’t a bad word in itself and it should indeed be used in certain circumstances, but use it too much and your prose might become leaden or passive. It is also easy to become over reliant on sentence structures which utilise ‘was’. Experiment and see if your prose feels stronger when you attempt to exclude it.

It’s also noticeable that there isn’t much dialogue here and many of the paragraphs are of a similar length. A bit of variety will help liven things up. It’s a good device to even punctuate memories/exposition with dialogue.

However, this still remains and promising start and a novel of this kind clearly has commercial appeal. I’d look to ruthlessly hone this into the slick super soldier your MC will undoubtedly turn into.

Best Wishes

Iso

Hi Nick

Nice story. In its way its well written with the promise of rounded charectors falling into place. The only hiccup, and it's only my feeble opinion, is that for a first chapter you have about forty paragraphs, covering three or four locations involving about half a dozen people. I think you have enough mileage in this first chapter to create another three. But hey, what do I know? If I was any good I'd be selling books instead of being on Authonomy. Good story, well written... you're WL'D.

Regards


RB Ray

I was asked to evaluate the second chapter. Here goes:

The first two paragraphs need a bridge to the "A beep emanating..." It hangs in space, with no reference points. You read it, it sparks confusion, makes it difficult to focus on the locale for the next bits. Within the second paragraph you use 'Ms Devine' but at one point the Garda calls her 'Jane'. Unless the Garda knows her personally, this won't happen.
"...bleating its' head." - stray apostrophe
"The FRF-..." paragraph's a hair wordy. In a combat/sniper situation you build tension by keeping sentences shorter, snappier. E.g. "...through the scope which also had night vision built in." might work better as "... through the scope with built-in night vision." Another example: "I could hear slight static in my ear piece..." Um, that's what they're for, hearing stuff. It broaches passive voice here (and I *hate* passive voice). Active: The ear piece buzzed with weak static..." And, not to be picky, but he has an ear bud so where's the 'little mouth piece" - in a tooth, attached to a collar, or is it an integrated unit with the ear bud? You're gonna get vets who know 'bout this stuff so the more authentic the descriptions the happier they'll be. Um bugs buzzing loud enough to be irritating with an ear bud embedded?
Scrub brush and gorse has me thinking semi-arid. Northern reaches have rice paddies and a skeet problem. So now I'm wondering where the sniper's located.
OK, last para tells me this would be the spot for the first two paras. Integrate it with his racing thoughts. Break up the 'report' and let bits filter through, interspersed with his current situation. That would really amp the tension.
I was going to grouch about the FRF-2 because I know it's a French sniper rifle but you answered that later. The fact that it has a thermal shielded barrel (compared with the FRF-1) might be of use here. Also, if it were me I'd have a Sagem Sword Sniper 3-in-1 optic for those conditions. It allows for thermal imaging. Or TMI.
Although this is first person (and I happen to like and write in 1st myself), try to avoid so many sentences beginning with "I".
Otherwise you are off to a good start. Backed.

Like the way you've put this story together. It flows well. The narrative voice is strong and natural. Dream scene opening? That wasn't a dream... it was a vision! Here's another one... Bet you get to the top of the pile. Good writing brings great rewards.

a fascinating subject as well as a little sensitive...very good, skillful writing does the job nicely here...
backed...
read SEASONS...

Hi, Nick. This is great. The imagery of life in the legion, the tension and comraderie rolled together. I read the pitch after I read the first chapter and genuinely feel you have a great story here and if it continues on in the same vein I have no doubt you will get somewhere with it.
They say (Don't ask me who they are) you shouldn't open with a dream, I don't personally have a problem with it, but this is what they say. You could move it, or maybe open with the scene where the guards knock on the door and then jump back to Afghanastan.... I don't know, I'm sure you will come up with something, or leave it if you like it that way.

Paul

I just read through chapter one and it sounds like a great story. You really know how to pull you reader in. Your imagery is amazing. I felt like I was in the desert riding with them. You have done a great job with this one. Thanks so much for the read and I will give this one high stars.

Dear Nick

I've just read the first two chapters of "Ghost Estate". Your amazing writing pulls no punches. It is full of quiet irony and unconscious humour, entirely typical of a man who finds himself in a crazy situation and is trying to find normal again. There is such drama in your writing, that I cannot wait to read on. What a hook at the end of chapter two! Highly starred!

Fran :-))

Ghost Estate:

I’ve read four chapters and want to find out what happened to Paddy, and why the men were at the airport looking for Danny, but it’s almost half-two AM and I must log off.

I’m not a fan of opening a book with a dream scene. Wondered what you’d think of beginning with the second paragraph and follow it with the dream section? Check below to see what you think…

Writing is good, I found myself whizzing along, but it needs a bit of editing. Not a big deal. Some of the lowercase ‘dad’ needs a capital D. And in several places the quotation marks are backwards. Also, should ‘gard’ be spelt guard/garda? All easy fixes.

Been a while since I’ve been in Dublin but the Tiger was in full swing then. Didn’t realize it has gone downhill so much.

Looking forward to reading more, and already starred and shelved.
***
Ghor Region Afghanistan November 16th 2010

The canteen was the coolest place on camp. The massive canvass roof stretching across it not only provided shade but created a nice little channel for any breeze to drift through. I would sometimes come here when it wasn’t meal time just to escape the stifling daytime heat. I looked down at the food on my plate and shoved it around a bit more with the fork. I just couldn’t stir up an appetite, and god [God] knows I’d need something inside me for tonight. It had become a pattern now. Toss and turn for hours on end, unable to sleep and when I eventually did drift off the dreams would come. Those fucking dreams.

Her screaming was what frightened me the most. I could hear the fear of someone who knew they might be about to die. I willed her wrist to slip free. Sure, she’d fall and get cut up, but she wouldn’t get dragged up the street and die. The motorbike’s mechanisms seemed to take on a life of their own, extruding out further than normal, twisting and hooking Jane’s handbag strap, intent on keeping her. The sound of the engine was almost a growl as it roared off, letting me know that no matter how she struggled, I could not have her back. I sank to my knees but didn’t feel them collide with the ground. I’d wake, crying, sweating and shaking.

Time to get on my feet and get my head together.

Cáit ~ Reminiscing

Nick - loved this. Fast, real, brutal and unputdownable. In the early chapters I felt I was reading non-fiction - Danny is utterly credible. Tallaght - I used to work there in the early 90s - you have it captured. As the story played out, I began to feel small doubts creeping in... chapter 16, John who worked in the car hire firm, comes over to Danny;s side way too easily, and it stretched my credibility that he had also lost a wife and child at Devine's hands. Chapter 26 - Mary is SO kind and twinkly and wonderful I was sure that a rubber mask was going to be ripped from her face revealing another henchman [like the antique shop owner in 1984]. I love the rapid-fire, soldierly monologuing; this guy is tough, even the way he eats his breakfast is tough! 6 stars and a spot on my shelf early Feb - Frances.

I'm really enjoying this story. The technical details carry the story nicely. Your attention to detail makes the scene come alive--one scene after another.

The premise of the novel sounds promising as well. A warrior come home in search of peace who finds his hard-won skills needed in the last place he anticipated they would come in handy.

I like how you are interspersing present action with flashbacks in the first couple of chapters. It connects nicely the current situation with anticipation of what will happen on his return to Ireland.

I do have a few criticisms which I hope will be constructive.

First, some of your paragraphs could use shortening, especially during action scenes. So many long paragraphs tend to tire the reader and leave him uncertain of what he should be paying attention to.

Second, I found some sentences throughout which need cleaning up. Not many, but enough to be distracting. As an example take the second sentence in the first paragraph of chapter two: "The man tried to grab her phone she'd been talking on at the time but Jane had hung on and a tussle ensued." This approaches the boundry of a run-on and "The man tried to grab her phone she'd..." is clumsy. When describing action scenes it is generally better to have short, punchy sentences. So: "The man grabbed her phone as she was talking on it. Jane hung on and a tussel ensued." This provides, IMHO, a better transmission of the immediacy of the situation.

I think the story itself is very solid. I'm looking forward to reading more.

Love it. it might be because i am in afghanistan right now, but either way i like it. haha. Worked with FFL before and you have the rivarly between them and the regulars down perfectly.

A compelling short premise and a great cover enticed me to read this book. It’s a great story, and well told. I have met many an ex-soldier driving taxis and they all have a story to tell. As far as these comments go – please forgive me if I sound picky or mean-spirited. I don’t mean to and I enjoyed this book very much. I have read up to the end of Chapter 3 and am keen to read more.

I get why, for the purposes of showcasing your work on Authonomy, why you’ve chosen to start the book with the soldier out in the field but to me, from your short pitch – which works well and enticed me to read this – the book really starts when Danny returns home and for this reader, that means at Chapter 3. You could incorporate the first two chapters into the narrative – after a hard edit, particularly of the action scenes.

I come from a position of total ignorance about what it is like to be a professional soldier. But if I was in a kill or be killed situation, wouldn’t my five years in the business and all that training ensure that I kept my mind focused on the job in hand?

I know, from reading news reports and other fiction about war zones that people do lose it but I wonder though, if they can afford to show it outwardly? Because if I was this guy’s commanding officer I would be worried and as soldiering is team work, I wonder why none of ‘the rest of them were starting to give me serious eyeball each morning,’ didn’t go and say something to O’Donnell.

I’m not sure we need to know the details of what happened to Jane so early on in the book. You could break up that section of where you explain what happened and gradually drip feed it to us over the course of the early chapters.

This is just a nitpick and my personal opinion but sometimes in the Afghanistan section there’s a little bit too much explanation, when what we really want to find out is what’s going to happen on that night’s operation. For instance, you don’t need the bracketed explanation (Improvised Explosive Devices) as even if we’d never seen a news report on the telly we could work out what they were from the earlier part of the sentence ‘whilst the lads with the detectors checked for IEDs).

Paragraph 18 – the one where Danny finds himself frequently wondering about what life will be like when he returns to Ireland, doesn’t belong right in the middle of the unfolding action. Surely by now the adrenaline would have kicked in and he’d be thinking of his own skin rather than how he’ll get on back home during the recession?

Long sentences and words like fortunately distance the reader from the action - for example in the following sentence: ‘Fortunately my night vision had kicked in and keeping an eye on the GPS I navigated my way to the designated coordinates which marked where I was supposed to be.’

As I stated at the outset these are minor points to consider but overall Danny is a highly credible character and the book is an intelligent, articulate read. I think it could also be tagged as Lit Fiction (while on Autho) at least.
Overall though it is an impressive work and highly starred.

Lambert Nagle - Revolution Earth

wow, the beginning was intriguing and heavy. i liked it. you sure know how to hook someone. i also really liked your dialogue. its natural and realistic. the only thing i would consider working on is your long pitch. it felt a bit like a summary of your book and that doesnt neccessairly need to be a bad thing, but i felt like you gave too much away. just a thought, please keep in mind that others might not agree with me. overall, interesting read.

hope to hear you feedback on Gut Instincts,
melissa :)

Nick,

I read your first chapter.
Great catch in the opening sequence, filled in more as we move through the chapter.

Your narrative is excellent, clean and flowing at a good pace, some excellent descriptions.

The little dialogue so far is rough and totally believable.

This is intense and intriguing writing and I could find no faults.

Very highly rated.

Best regards
Warrick

Hello Nick,
I was attracted by the picture, familiar sort of landscape, and stopped for a read.
This is great stuff!I’ve just read four chapters straight off and I’ve scrubbed the first note I made, which was about how great the opening is. It’s all great! Plot, pace, dialogue. The way you slip the backstory in a little at a time as Danny can’t help mulling it all over is very effective. He’s an attractive character, not the usual brainless hulk soldiers are usually portayed as. The description of Tallaght is beautifull, the kids in their hoodies, the greyness of it, the mountains as a backdrop. And it’s exciting. So many things the reader wants to know, about Paddy, the man in black, Anne Devine, what’s with the phone.
It’s not my usual kind of thing, but I’m hooked, I’ll be back for more, definitely.

There were just a couple of things that perhaps need checking. You mention the French conscripts, but there hasn’t been conscription in France for donkey’s years, they’re all pros.

The beginning of chapter 2, the police report refers to Ms Devine, which is normal, but calls her Jane once, which struck me as odd.
Any other little typos aren’t worth mentioning, you or an editor will pick them up easily enough.

This is on my watch list for now, the waiting list for my shelf, and gets six easy stars.
Good luck with this, it deserves to do well.
Jane

Gritty, gripping, and authentic, this has the feel of someone who has actually "been there" (almost reads like non-fiction!) The writing is superlative, especially the dialogue, and I can see this doing very well on Authonomy. Your first chapter rocks, your second a little less so. If I have one suggestion to make, it would be to cut the para starting "It was on one such morning" and let Mark drift back to some childhood 'event' that drew him towards the military life. I was given the same suggestion for my book, which is why I made my childhood encounter with gangster Ronnie Kray - on the same market stall I later made my profession - the lynchpin for my 'back-story'! Just a suggest, feel free to ignore.

I'm giving you six golden stars, for the most exciting piece of writing I've read this week.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

Nick, 3 chapters read.

Liked this right from the off. This type of story has been told before (someone metioned The Veteran), but that's no reason not to tell your version of it.
Not that i would really know, but the military aspects felt very authentic, the flashbacks/dreams worked well (though i wondered if you could do something stylistically to draw these sections out, itallics maybe). The start of chapter 2, what i assume is a news report, is the only thing that didn't feel authentic, i think you could do with a slight re-write of this bit.
But you have a cery solid story, an interesting, troubled and potentially very volatile lead character. It's well written, gritty and packs a punch.
High stars, staying on my WL and i will back some time in the future.

Hi Nick
I enjoyed this first chapter - flows well and no clunky sections slowing me down. You have a nice voice and it reeks of authenticity for the military - all believable including the dialogue which I thought was spot on for armed forces. The premise reminds me a bit of a film I saw recently The Veteran I think it was - very good I thought.
I always try to spot at least one grammatical and this was a very well manicured MS - early on tho:
"The massive canvass roof..." should just be "canvas" - the double s version canvass is the verb Im sure to e.g. bang leaflets through doors etc. Not much I know but every little helps I always think. I;ve starred and watchlisted for more and will comment further as I read. All the best Nick and good work.
Derek
The Angel Chord

Wow. Great premise, probably a great story. Best of luck.

First impressions. Good title. Cracking subject. The French Foreign Legion. Maybe you could hint at what makes the French Foreign Legion unique. I love the "Celtic Tiger years". I use Tiger in the socio-economic way too. ;-> Good luck. I'll be watching.