Kailai and the Dragon Prince

Kailai and the Dragon Prince.
By P.D. Hall.


For a start, I love the book cover—Oriental and most attractive to any Y/A selecting a book in a bookshop. And that is what it’s all about really...getting them to open the book!
A nice opening to the story with ample description as the three warriors escaped the confines of the Forbidden City together with their three bundles intact, whimpering coming from inside them.
...dissolved into the dark embrace of the night... Great stuff!
Excellent scene as Chen Long explains to Kailai of her past and how he saved her.
She’s shocked to find out that she’s a ‘throne princess’ and must return to her proper home .
A beautiful story here, written with style and care.
Your ability for writing is very clear to see from what I’ve read so far, I can’t fault it to be honest.
Just noticed the following, that’s all—nothing really!

...Kailai assumed a haughty, regal air and said, “Your deference is most gratifying and gracious. We are amused.”... Lower case required for ‘your’.

Will get back to read more later, but well starred on what I’ve seen up to now.
Well done, Gao!!

Kind regards,

Neville Kent. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Gao
Your epic adventure brings to mind the scale of Red Cliff with the fantasy of Saiyuki culminating in a story all its own. I found this a wonderful, thoroughly enjoyable read. Xie xie.

Colleen (Demon Rising)

Gao,
You've put together an epic adventure of the type one could read and reread with unflagging interest, like forming an attachment to a story one repeats over campfires, or a child's favorite bedtime fairytale he never tires of. Kailai makes a strong protagonist, one with leadership traits warriors are drawn to, promising to be a worthy adversary to the evil empress dowager. You are long on narrative and short on dialogue, the proportions about right for a Homeric tale such as this. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Gao,
You've put together an epic adventure of the type one could read and reread with unflagging interest, like forming an attachment to a story one repeats over campfires, or a child's favorite bedtime reading fairytale he never tires of. Kailai makes a strong protagonist, one with leadership traits warriors are drawn to, promising to be a worthy adversary to the evil empress dowager. You are long on narrative and short on dialogue, the proportions about right for a Homeric tale such as this. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hello

I think you have a wonderful story here. The writing is tight and the decsriptions are well-done. I love the premise and the fact that it doesn't follow with what is going on in the market now. You've done a wonderful job with the names and choosing them. I'm always big on names and their meanings. The only thing I would fault is the long narratives. At times, it felt like I was given a laundry list of what to think and feel. It pulled me out of the story some. I know it is very difficult to balance this. I still have trouble with it.

Other than that - I found this a delightful read and I wish you the best of luck with it.
Jennifer Killb - The Legend of the Travelers: Willow's Journey

Your plot is put together well, with clear objectives for the characters and obvious danger. The writing style is clean, with good descriptions of setting. Kailai is an easy character to root for. I would like you to delve into her memories more so she can recall meaningful events in her life that shaped her.

So is her grandfather not really her grandfather? Who is he, then?

In chapter 2, Lao Wu askes about the fate of the village, and in the next paragraph says it was wiped out. Why did he answer his own question?

It would have more emotional impact and make the villains seem worse if you show the village getting destroyed.

Chen Long is certainly a tough guy, but I want to know a bit more about what made him this way and why he is so loyal.

This is good work and I will back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

An amusing, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

Gao,
I have backed this for now because I can see it has real potential for Young Adult readers. I like the premise and I think your action scenes are particularly well done, they are paced well, the emotive language is good and the descriptions are colourful. I especially liked the description from the second paragraph of Chapter 8 regarding Li Mengbao.

Having said that, there is definitely some work still to go. Most of my criticisms have already been voiced by other people so I won't go into detail on them, I will just pick one thing that I'd like to offer an opinion on - authenticity.

I know that a few people have commented on Kailai as a character but I would like to put my opinion forward as well because I think this is important in differentiating a good story from a great story and illustrates what I mean by authenticity. My difficulties with Kailai are that her character was hard to believe because her behaviour did not always match the character you had been building. Even in fantasy, I think the character's motives and actions need to be believable ie. authentic to that character/setting.

In the opening scenes I got the sense that Kailai is a fairly normal teenager who is pretty well adjusted to a peasant life so it seems improbable that just a few days after discovering that she is a princess, without any exposure to royal life, she would be behaving like a spoilt brat. However, the idea that she might start to change and consider how her behaviour is seen by others is believable so I think you need to find a balance between telling us about her attempts to behave more royally without making it sound alien to the character you have built up to that point. As a positive example, her tears over the loss of her family and friends and the later anger is very believable because you built up the bond between them in the opening chapter with the description of her playing as an innocent child.


A few other examples I found that did not quite seem to fit together:

When Kailai starts off on the journey it would be exhausting, certainly, but it's hard to imagine that a fit young girl would need to sleep quite as much as she did.

Similarly, when the warriors are marching through the rain it seems unlikely that they would be "miserable" when in the next sentence you tell us that they were "used to it". It seems more likely that they would be resolved to the discomfort but perhaps not miserable if they were used to it?

Finally, it didn't seem to make sense to describe the house where they stayed with Lao Wu as his "home" after you've told us that it's a temporary hiding place because he moves around regularly to avoid being caught.

Generally what I have noted above are examples where just a single word such as "home" or "miserable" do not ring true with the rest of the scene you've built and may well be picked up when you edit it later but I wanted to point them out just in case.

One other thing, will you include a pronunciation guide in your work? Maybe as an appendix? I would think that a lot of your readers are going to be new to Asian deities and legends so they may not recognise the names. I know that when I first started reading about the Chinese Gods I really appreciated a pronunciation guide because I like to imagine names as closely to their original language as possible when I read and I guess others might too?

I hope that helps!
Baisleac

Chapter 4:
The river crossing in this chapter does a good job of raising the suspense in what could have been a slow section of nothing but travel. It also reveals a little more of Kalia’s character. I like how she tries to cover her fear by acting with a kind of playful haughtiness—trying to act like a princess.
Unfortunately, I’m not completely drawn in by Kailia. The viewpoint you use seems to be something close to omniscient, revealing both some of her thoughts and some of Chen Long’s without ever getting really beneath the surface with either. And I must say I thought she was being quite silly to thrash around while Chen Long carried her across the river. If she didn’t want to unbalance them both and end up in the water, she really should have stayed still.
But still, your writing style seems to be strong enough to make up for a slightly weak protagonist.
“it would be best to send two of the men back to Lao Wu’s house with the horses, the rest of the company would continue on foot” needs a semi-colon after “horses” instead of a comma.
I also had a few doubts about the end of the chapter. If they’re being hunted and they crossed the river very early in the morning, would they really spend the rest of the day resting? It kind of makes their situation seem less desperate and lowers the suspense.
Chapter 5:
I like the appearance of the imperial army and the zhayu. Definitely keeps the story moving. But “black parcel” and “black package” to describe the body of the horse was kind of vague and confusing. “package” and “parcel” to me infers something that is “packaged” or wrapped up somehow. I would clarify exactly what is it that remained so it would only take two men to toss it to the zhayu. And if only such a small amount is left, and it’s on the other side of the river, how could Kailia recognize it as once being a specific horse?
I did like the description of the zhayu playing with the captured man like a “kitten with a mouse.” I could definitely picture that!
In describing the zhayu’s attack, you switch to summary: “the gruesome zhayu charged across the log bridge and assaulted the Ghost Army. The beast kept them occupied while the Imperial Guard crossed the logjam and regrouped. When they were ready, the Imperial Guard charged, striking all along the Ghost Army’s line, probing for weakness. Though outnumbered, Kailai’s troop repelled the assault, but at great cost.” I think this scene would work much better if you took the time to describe this attack as it happens instead of just summarizing it. You describe a bit more in the next paragraphs, but in general terms, the action not seeming very specific or immediate.
I liked the dramatic way in which you revealed to Kailia that Chen Long was the “son of the Dragon King.”
I’m quite curious as to what happens next and whether they can defeat Kailia’s stepmother.

Gao, your cover and pitch caught my attention, so I stopped by for a read. I've read everything you have posted so far, and enjoyed it very much. This definitely has a fairy tale feel to it. Your descriptions are lovely, transporting the reader to ancient China. There were a few instances when your word choices didn't seem to fit the time and place, for instance clairvoyant, platoon, and boudior were a few that threw me out of the setting a little. There were a few others, though I can't remember what they were. Otherwise a beautiful read. Highly starred and shelved.

Finally found the time to get back to reading this. As before, it is quite beautifully written.
Chapter two:
Really nice amount of tension in this chapter.
I wasn’t sure why the old man was referred to as both Wu Yiqiang and Lao Wu. This confused me a little. But, whatever the name, this is a fascinating character!
Another question: What do they do with the horse? They ride up to the house, dismount, talk, and then go inside. Do they just leave it loose? Tie it up somewhere?
Chapter three:
I like the name “The Ghost Army.”
“setting her head in a reasonable semblance of a regal façade” should this be “setting her face”? That makes a little more sense than “head.”
Great story, though. Very original!

I have read the first chapter so far, and I must say your writing style is beautiful; it has a certain elegance to it that adds a lot to the story. The story also has a very strong sense of place: the names, the descriptions, it all adds up to a sense of the culture of the village. The only downside that I could see is that in some places it reads like a summary. It feels like I’m being told about Kailai instead of experiencing the story through her eyes. For example: “Kailai was staggered by this. She was pleased to find herself called a “throne princess” but afraid to leave her village and friends for some strange place, accompanied by someone she didn’t know.” You name for the reader Kailai’s emotions, but never describe how those emotions feel to her in the moment. I hope that makes sense?
Great story, though. Highly starred and I’m definitely planning on reading more.

Hey Gao,
Finally back to read more. Just finished chapter 5. Of course, I'm not very good at noticing grammar errors, but I always focus on story. This was flawless. The monsters are fantastic, I like the evil zhayu's description, the catlike playfulness and delight in the mayhem. I love, love the dragon Chen Long becomes. My daughter has a collection of Anime and she plays it when I ask for a movie. This is so visual, can see the sweeping line of bloody warriors, the fluid motion of the tearing beasts. . It also makes me think of films like the Iron Monkeys and Hidden Tiger, Crouching Dragon or whatever that was called. You have a great story here. Your writing is just beautiful. I'm sure I said it on my last trip, but the cover is gorgeous too.
Awesome,
Good luck in your writing,
Janet
P.S. I did check out my name Donna in The Milche Bride. When I went to Ancestry.com found several women with the name in the 1870's by checking birth and death records. But even though it is an old name, if readers think it is modern I may have to change it.

Kailal. A striking cover, and well-written pitches, which tell me what to expect.
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I tend to notice nits, and hope you dont mind.

Ch.1. My first impression is that's a suitably ominous and mysterious opening, but isnt the language somewhat too sumptuous for a YA readership?
You belabour the 'three' word rather too often, and nowadays when pace is important, editors usually prefer no more than one adjective per noun (unless it's literary fiction).
Perhaps you should indicate the passage of time with *** ?

There are certain unnecessary words, which can safely be deleted. Their absence would actually serve to refine the flow of your story: nearly, entire, always, perhaps, sudden, soon (Ch.2) still, began to, (Ch.4) unexpected, therefore, instantly.

You can certainly capture a reader's attention with your compelling prose, and a plot whichwould attract any young reader.

Ch.2. You repeat yourself sometimes, and I wonder if this is necessary - Kailai's circumstances, and Chen Lang thinking of the fate of the village.

I can easily envisage Lao Wu peering into the semi-darkness in all directions (do you really need the adverb 'apprehensively'?)

There are some instances of word repeated too close together: comments, (Ch.3) all -'gone and it's all because of me' (Ch.4) fury / ious.

I enjoy the thought of Chen Long staying at the table to wait for Loa Wu to stop being cantankerous.

Ch. 3-4. I love the names you give your characters.
But the first two paragraphs of Ch.4. are rather long blocks of text.
That's a vivid description of their perilous river crossing.
Kailal's courage and self-knowledge are skilfully developed, as is her humility and sense of humour.

This is a leisurely read, with a compelling plot, and some little touches which would appeal to younger readers.
I hope you dont mind the nits, but your story is worth perfecting. We all have to edit and re-edit.

Jane (Breath of Africa)

I notice you've been 'replying' to comments on your page. If you were to 'send a message' instead, people would be more likely to read them. I seldom re-visit the comments section of a book I've reviewed unless the author sends me a message!

Hi Gao,

I finished your book, and I did grow to like Kailai a lot more. I'm not sure she would adapt to a princess role quite so quickly, but, the story largely works. I love the Asian mythology and creatures you put into the story. One other small thing is that I've read and seen stories of Sun Wukong as well, and I thought he was a bit more of a trickster type, and I'm not sure he would give his staff to anyone. Still, the story is awesome and I can't wait to read the rest. I too have quite a few Asian dragons in my story, as well as the Fenghuang phoenix. In Dragonraptor, though, the fenghuang resembles a flying Phorusrhacos and is a vicious apex predator. I'm still new to this site and haven't made that many connections but I'll try and recommend your story to a few authors. I know some who may very well love it.

Thank you for reading Kailai. I like the idea of having her legacy revealed to her gradually, but it may entail a major rewrite. Still, I want the book to be as good as it can be and I'm willing to do the work. I agree with your comment on Kailai's reaction and will probably rewrite that section. I hope you have the opportunity to read more of Kailai. I have Dragonraptor on my watchlist currently until I can decide who to take off my shelf. I fully intend to read the rest of the story as soon as possible.
If you have any friends that might be interested in Kailai I could certainly use the help and would gladly trade reads. - Gao Zuojia

Hey Gao,

I just read your first three chapters, as a first exchange for the chapters of "Dragonraptor" that you read. I'm liking your story a lot, it's got a kind of "Legend of the Five Rings" feel to it (although that setting is based on Japan rather than China). The only real issue I have with your story is that the plot is pretty much set up in expositional dialogue, told to Kailai in the first chapter, and then she does very little after - and, her reaction to learning that her village and friends were wiped out is way too soft. If it were me, I'd be screaming furious. I really want to like Kailai, and I'd rather see her learning about her origins more gradually and struggling through the mysteries and plot herself. I'm more connected to her protectors right now than her. Maybe this does change - I promise I will read the rest, but connecting with the protagonist from the beginning is extremely important. Aside from that, the story is very well written and the world-building is beautiful.

Hey Gao,
Returning your read of my book - thanks for that. I'm still not very far into the story just yet - about three chapters in - but so far I am enjoying it. Your descriptions are wonderful and evoke very vivid scenes and events. It makes it very easy to imagine what is going on in this word. It encourages me to strive a little harder for that really evocative language as well! My one complaint might be that, in the first two chapters, at least, I felt very disconnected from Kailai. I understood who she was, and what she had done, but I didn't feel like I was able to understand what she was going through. I was easily able to connect with Chen Long and Lao Wu - their characters and personalities seemed very strong and clearly defined. I didn't get that same sense with Kailai, though. I didn't feel like understood her motives, or thoughts, or feelings to what was going on, except on a very surface level. Overall though, as I said, I'm enjoying the read. The story is really great, and to be honest the pitch drew me in before I even read anything. Big fan of Asian culture, so I will definitely be watching this and reading it where I can.

Keep up the great work!

John

Gao,
I've finally returned the read !
So far I'm really enjoying this, I loved your first chapter. It got straight to the point and didn't seem drawn out and tiring. You gave the readers all the information they needed while also enticing them to read on. Nice work. I really like Kailai as a main character, she is strong for her age and like-able as the main voice of your story. I also liked the mysterious black rider who ended up being a kind protector to Kailia. You described that whole scene very well, in fact, I enjoyed all your descriptions throughout the book. Your story gained strength with each chapter as well, another good point. I'm seeing lots of potential in this, will add it to my watchlist and highly star.
Good luck :)
Karlee - Chained

Isabel,
Thank you for your kind review. I was reading the story again last night and came to the same conclusion regarding the door. I'm studying for mid-terms right now, but will make some revisions after they are over. I hope you have the opportunity to read the entire manuscript if you haven't already. I'd be interested to read what you think of it. - Gao Zuojia

Here it is, finally - my half of our reading swap. Sorry it's taken a few days.

First of all - your prologue. It's good and draws the reader into the story, but I think you could make a little more of it. I think that stating that the door "refused to shift" isn't in keeping with your ominous and richly descriptive atmosphere - it sounds more like you're describing a sleepy teenager on a school morning! Turn the tension up a notch, entice the reader with more questions...
I'm instantly drawn to the curious and bubbly Kailai and I'll be interested to see how this impoverished girl comes to be an heiress to the throne of China. 

Best of luck with this - I can see it being successful.
Isabel.

Sharon,
Thank you for your kind words and I am glad you liked the book. Coming from someone whose book has done well here, your opinion matters a great deal to me. I hope you make it to the ED and get signed. - Gao Zuojia

I have read up to chapter 5 and have found that the writing far flows really well with a depth of textures and colors. The appearance of the beast is fascinating.

What little girl doesn’t hope to grow up to be a princess? So for Kailai to discover that she is a “throne princess” it must be like a dream come true for her.

I have really enjoyed what I read so far. I don’t “proofread” or edit for grammar or punctuation. I agree with a statement you left in my comments. I don’t think that is what we are here for. Even still, I have to admit, that I did not see any of that in your book. You do have a tendency to repeat words close together when describing things, but that is such a very small issue. I wouldn’t even worry about it.

All in all, a wonderful story, very well written. Nicely done.

Sharon

I have read up to chapter 5 and have found that the writing far flows really well with a depth of textures and colors. The appearance of the beast is fascinating.

What little girl doesn’t hope to grow up to be a princess? So for Kailai to discover that she is a “throne princess” it must be like a dream come true for her.

I have really enjoyed what I read so far. I don’t “proofread” or edit for grammar or punctuation. I agree with a statement you left in my comments. I don’t think that is what we are here for. Even still, I have to admit, that I did not see any of that in your book. You do have a tendency to repeat words close together when describing things, but that is such a very small issue. I wouldn’t even worry about it.

All in all, a wonderful story, very well written. Nicely done.

Sharon

Thomas, Thank you for pointing out the issues you observed. Frankly, I hadn't noticed them nor had my proofreader, an English professor at the local university. I'll make some revisions ASAP. I had originally included a footnote regarding the definition of 'li', but removed it thinking redirecting my readers would slow down the story.I had pared down the number of adverbs, but will reexamine my work and see if it needs more surgery. I'm glad you enjoyed my manuscript despite the shortcomings you mentioned. - Gao Zuojia

I noticed just in the first 10-15 paragraphs:

- You have a pattern with modifiers that gets old fast: two modifiers plus a verb/noun. "loud, grating grunt", "thick, oak door", "smooth, seemless outer wall", etc... This is fine once in a while, but it was frequent enough for me to notice.
- There are a fair number of adverbs that could be removed without affecting the writing. Too many adverbs are distracting.
- I'm not sure what a "li" is, but as used in the opening, it looks like a unit of measure. Still, with no explanation of what a "li" actually is, the reference is a bit jarring.
- Your opening few sentences are complex and caused me to stumble. I had to re-read them a couple times to figure out what was going on.

All that said, the writing is pretty good, and had I the time, I would probably continue reading to see what happens. So you have hooked me. Thing is, some of the issues listed above would eventually make me put the book down and walk away, as they do get annoying after you see them 10 or 15 times.

Good work.

I noticed just in the first 10-15 paragraphs:

- You have a pattern with modifiers that gets old fast: two modifiers plus a verb/noun. "loud, grating grunt", "thick, oak door", "smooth, seemless outer wall", etc... This is fine once in a while, but it was frequent enough for me to notice.
- There are a fair number of adverbs that could be removed without affecting the writing. Too many adverbs are distracting.
- I'm not sure what a "li" is, but as used in the opening, it looks like a unit of measure. Still, with no explanation of what a "li" actually is, the reference is a bit jarring.
- Your opening few sentences are complex and caused me to stumble. I had to re-read them a couple times to figure out what was going on.

All that said, the writing is pretty good, and had I the time, I would probably continue reading to see what happens. So you have hooked me. Thing is, some of the issues listed above would eventually make me put the book down and walk away, as they do get annoying after you see them 10 or 15 times.

Good work.

I'm glad you liked the opening and hope you will find time to return to the book. Kailai goes through quite a lot in the tale and I think you might enjoy the course her story takes. - Gao Zuojia

Absolutely wonderful beginning. Enchanted by Kailai and the description of the dragon warrior. Will come back to read more. Am adding you to my watch list.
fledglingowl

Dr. Scottney-Turbill:
Thank you for your kind feedback. I'm glad you liked the first chapter. With your background in Chinese history I highly value your opinion. - Gao Zuojia

I won't harp on about grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, dialogue etc, but this chapter will certainly evoke a desire to discover what the rest of the journey will bring to the protagonist and others. While my academic work has focussed on the transmutation of the historical to historical fiction/romance, I always look at ways to be impressed by the opening chapter of a new novel - you have have achieved this. Well done!

I won't harp on about grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, dialogue etc, but this chapter will certainly evoke a desire to discover what the rest of the journey will bring to the protagonist and others. While my academic work has focussed on the transmutation of the historical to historical fiction/romance, I always look at ways to be impressed by the opening chapter of a new novel - you have have achieved this. Well done!

Absolutely wonderful beginning. Enchanted by Kailai and the description of the dragon warrior. Will come back to read more. Am adding you to my watch list.
fledglingowl

Thank you for your kind feedback. It took me an hour to get my head back to normal size ;-) I especially liked the Pearl S. Buck comparison. She was a favorite of mine when I was in high school.

Nicely done opening! Your style is very fluid and the story is compelling. The middle passages have a quality that is reminiscent of some classics - The Good Earth came to mind a few times. Well done :)

Nicely done opening! Your style is very fluid and the story is compelling. The middle passages have a quality that is reminiscent of some classics - The Good Earth came to mind a few times. Well done :)

I have read the first couple of chapters and although this is not the sort of thing I would normally read I can see that you have created something special. It would work very well being read out loud, say on the radio.

A small construtive point, I think you have over used commas in a lot of the earlier sentences and this does affect the flow. Might be worth looking at this.

Regrettably I have to ration my time so will not be able to go any furthe wih it, but well done and I hope it does well for you.

Tinsley Collins

Thank you for the wonderful review, Rheagen, I'm glad you liked it. I'm always interested in improving my writing and would like to know how to make it read more fluidly. Is there a continuity issue or is it a phrasing problem? Thank you again,
Gao Zuojia

Dear Author Zao,
I think you have produced a fine piece of work. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I don’t have too much else to say, except that if I was to nitpick, I would suggest it could read a little more smoothly. Admittedly, I might be approaching this from a particularly British standpoint, but I can’t help that, and I suspect you would like your book to have international appeal. However, I’m unpublished, so you can take or leave what I say. Anyway, I wish you good luck with it. Backed and highly rated with pleasure.
Rheagan Greene – Bitter Truths (The Samurai Revival Trilogy Vol. 1/3)

Thank you for the feedback. I was rereading Kailai the other night and was struck by the point you made about the use of -ly words also. As to the backstories, I'll take another look at them and maybe revise them. My aim was to make the character, Kailai, a living, breathing, entity, someone the reader could befriend and empathise with. I did make an effort not to let it drag on but, I'll reevaluate it and see if it needs trimmed.

If you have the time, I hope you will be able to get deeper into the book. You'll find magic, battles, dragons, and more. Thanks again - Zuojia Gao

I read chapter one and enjoyed every bit of it. You pulled me in and made me want to know what was going to happen next. Your descriptions are vivid and well placed and your doiligue is natural. I have only two suggestions. you have a lot of back story. It is written well, but I found myself wanting to get back to the meaty part of your book instead of hearing about the characters history. You might try weaving this in here and there throughout your book as needed. Also do a search through your text for words that end in ly (happily, sadly, hopefully). You use a lot of them and you are much to talented to lean on these weak descriptors. Just delete them and most of the time you will find they are not necessary. Great book and thanks for the read. High stars for this one

I read chapter one and enjoyed every bit of it. You pulled me in and made me want to know what was going to happen next. Your descriptions are vivid and well placed and your doiligue is natural. I have only two suggestions. you have a lot of back story. It is written well, but I found myself wanting to get back to the meaty part of your book instead of hearing about the characters history. You might try weaving this in here and there throughout your book as needed. Also do a search through your text for words that end in ly (happily, sadly, hopefully). You use a lot of them and you are much to talented to lean on these weak descriptors. Just delete them and most of the time you will find they are not necessary. Great book and thanks for the read. High stars for this one

Hi Derek,
The same thought crossed my mind concerning the line you mentioned but I kept it in anyway. As to Chen Long being referred to as an 'intruder,' at that point she would have no reason to think otherwise.He came unbidden to their home and nearly destroyed it with his fist before entering.Thank you for your feedback and support. I may change that line as you have suggested, as you know, a work is never truly finished.
Zuojia Gao
Kailai and the Dragon Prince

Hi Gao
I enjoyed reading this first chapter and felt the writing flowed well with no clunky sections slowing the pace for me. It has set up the story nicely and you managed to get a lot of backstory into this chapter without it feeling like an exposition dump and that's a real skill. I am keen to see what happens to the young princess so job well done with your first chapter I reckon.
A few thoughts: Since the grandfather bowed and welcomed him into the home - would you really describe him as an "intruder"? One line of dialogue didnt scan right for me "She has changed much since we brought her here as an infant years ago" This felt more like info just put in for the reader than realistic dialogue - I'm not saying dont give me this info maybe just re-word - but also - I always try to give the reader as much credit as possible and based on your intro I had already concluded that he had done that anyway - hope this makes sense.
Overall a tight first chapter and a nice hook to keep me reading - I've starred and added to my watchlist and will read more when I can and comment further. Good work Gao, you have a good book here I reckon.
Derek
The Angel Chord

beautiful cover! will put it on my watch list and check the beautiful writing

Thank you for the feedback and the compliments.I'm adding a few more chapters tonight and hope to finish revising the rest tomorrow.

You are very good at descriptions and I could really visualize what you wrote. I loved the book it was a very good read and I can't wait to read more.

your writing and description of the village and mountains is so beautifiul I feel I am there as I read it. can't wait to read more definately one to watch and if it was available in a bookstore I would buy it for my younger sister she would love it

Thanks, Jim. I do appreciate the feedback.

Sing-song story-telling that is crying out for gorgeous illustrations :)

Sing-song story-telling that is crying out for gorgeous illustrations :)