Book Jacket

 

rank 196
word count 94400
date submitted 22.01.2012
date updated 08.04.2012
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Science Fiction,...
classification: moderate
complete

The Chimera Factor

Scott Trimas

Chimera lays bare one unique man’s struggle to stop a disaster-in-the-making that should never have been created.

 

Reid Wainright has an uncanny ability to instantly recognize any individual he has seen before, no matter how briefly, despite the ravages of time or surgical alterations. He is thrust into action by the government to uncover a terrorist of unknown identity who is about to unleash a biologically-engineered virus with the killing power of the “Andromeda Strain”.

This is the story of one man’s efforts to save mankind from its intrinsic fears of dying from a killer we cannot see. Mix in greed from a pharmaceutical consortium and the possible ramification of a cure that may not only stop the virus but also control other fatal diseases, and the implausible is rendered entirely believable.

The final “what if” rests with a female terrorist who has been so radically altered surgically she is unrecognizable by any agency, and can freely deliver on the promise to release the biological threat. Reid is unsure if his abilities of instant recognition will enable him to stop her from releasing Chimera.

Update First 100 pages have been edited, tell me what you all think!

 
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tags

medical fiction, thriller

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175 comments

 

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Neville wrote 112 days ago

The Chimera Factor.
By Scott Trimas.


The pitch drew me to your story, I was sure I’d enjoy it...I did.
It has a lot of medical jargon but really it has to have for this book.
Anyway it didn’t put me off the main theme at all.
Brilliant start with the mystery of why Sarah’s name had changed from Emily, and why the family seems so secretive.
Something definitely funny going off here and Reid knows it.
We can already see that he has an unusual memory re-call, it was seven years since he last seen her.
The read is coming together now as the lab animals recover and a new cure is eminent.
This is a very good storyline which I’ve taken to.
As it’s complete, I shall be reading on to find out what happens.
I did come across a few errors but they will be put right when you edit.
For me, this is a worthwhile read and I’m pleased to star rate it high.
Best wishes for this intriguing story!

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.


William Ram Johnson wrote 119 days ago

What a terrific read - if flows really well and certainly is a thriller!! I like the final "what if" of the story the best. I strongly recommend The Chimera Factor.

Gao Zuojia wrote 118 days ago

A seemingly innocuous opening, lightly seasoned with interpersonal tension, and simmering with intrigue. A must read.

Thalia wrote 118 days ago

Engaging story and well written! Just enough description to involve the reader without bogging down the plot.
Good Job!
All the best,
Thalia

philp4002 wrote 25 days ago

Hi Scott
Well I've managed to read 2 chapters[at last], and - I loved them! I'll have to get back and read the rest, as I had to finish at the end of chapter 2, right at the point where he has to return to the lab. That's the trouble when you're in constant demand, but I'll back for some more - soon. I have a feeling this will develop into a really good story. I'm backing you Scott.
Take care,
philp4002 [Phil Phoenix - author of The JET! Trilogy]

Edwin P. Magezi wrote 30 days ago

Hey Scott,
Sorry it's taken me forever to return the swap.

I loved your pitch, which promised something unusual in Reid's ability.
I've only read the first chapter so can't comment on the story, but the writing is okay and the premise was pretty intriguing. Your descriptions are vivid in portraying the scenes and painting the characters, who are solid and have a real feel to them.
It could use a few less adverbs which tell the story instead of showing the reader what's happening. You also shift between POVs, sometimes mid-paragraph which gets confusing and inconsistent.
Besides that, I didn't catch any typos and such. It's a clean read so far.
Will find time to read more. Rated for now.

Edwin
The First Oath

Eden Ashley wrote 33 days ago

Sorry it's taken me so long to get here. Wow. Great start! The plot is already taking off with an interesting twist. Reid's ability is very clever and will make for an excellent protagonist, I think. Only issue I noted was in the prologue where Dyan's name changed to Dylan in the second paragraph. I'm keeping this on my watchlist so I'll remember to come back and read more. Right now I have to go return a few more reads before the villagers come with their torches :)

Eden
The Siren's Heart

Dean Lombardo wrote 33 days ago

Hi Scott,
A while back you asked to swap reads, and you indicated I should go first ; )
You build tension nicely in your story, and your characters are realistic. I especially related to Reid in the opening chapter as he offered very authentic insight into the male adolescent mind -- for example, "He would not admit it, but he thought she was pretty." We also saw a bit of this as Joyce carried groceries into the camper, and the boy noted her good looks as well. It seems spring is in the air for the young man and that is very authentic, honest, and natural.
In Chapter 2, you delve into the issues of how a father's work and passions often interfere with family events, the constant tug of war between being there for his kids vs. staying dedicated to the job, and the phone call from the fellow scientists really catalyzes this dilemma for your character, Sergio.
A few suggestions:
Chapter 1 -- "Reid was sure it was she" -- shouldn't that say "sure it was her."? I'm not sure either.
Start a new paragraph where Reid says "I just know..."
Chapter 2 -- Kill the redundant quotes after "that isn't possible"
Insert a "why" between "explanation as to" and "those animals"
I also got the sense that sometimes dialogue was a bit expositious -- where one character would explain too much into every task he or she was doing or about to do. One more edit perhaps can help sharpen dialogue to only that which is essential. Note: I am trying to help by offering my opinion, not trying to be a jerk.
Highly starred,
Dean Lombardo
"Space Games."

pclady wrote 37 days ago

Unfortunately, there was a problem loading Chapter 4, so I can only comment on 1-3. The prologue really intrigued, especially with the explosion at the end. Chapter 1 was so far afield in characters, etc. I got a little lost and read more to try and see if things started to tie together even just a little. The unloading chapter put an end to that. I found your style very easy to read and the dialogue believable. Love the idea of Reid's instant recognition/remembrance of faces. Wish much luck with this one!

Chrysta Mane

Teeny Tiny Tambo wrote 37 days ago

The Chimera Factor is a very well written story. From the first chapter there's intrigue that's sucks you in and makes you want to know how Reid knows Sarah is not Sarah but in fact, Emily. Why was she kidnapped? And what is the secrecy around her 'family'? Great stuff.
Your descriptive writing is beautiful, sets the scene really well. You also build up the tension nicely, keeps the reader desperate to know more.
There are alot of medical terms to contend with which might put some readers off. I found them interesting however, as I don't know much about diseases or cures. I thought they gave the plot a realistic feel and helped the flow of the story.
I liked the mystery surrounding the beautiful woman and her connection to Sergio. Not knowing why she was there or what she wanted kept me hooked. You know how to write suspense brilliantly. Your characters are very interesting and refreshingly different. I've never read about two people (Sergio and Sandra) who are so suited to each other!

Highly rated! Best of luck :)
Yasmin
- Guileless

doebow wrote 38 days ago

Very good. I had every intention of reading the first few chapters and give my opinion. Not happening, I keep coming back for 'just one more chapter'.
A few grammatical errors, but overall a very enjoyable story. Yep this is a backer.
Thank you and Good luck

Numbers wrote 40 days ago

Hi Scott,

This is very well written. The characters are natural and their dialogue is too. The narration flows well and it's very easy to carry on reading.

Good stuff.

Cheers,
Adam

Brigitte_2 wrote 41 days ago

Hi Scott, What can I add to the comments you have already had?
I enjoyed the first chapter and shall read more asas.
rated you highly and put you on the watch list.
Brigitte
You will dance again!

Tarzan For Real wrote 41 days ago

Scott chapter one is developed well. The dialogue is sharp and believable. You have a good pace and the tension is palpable. Maybe a little additional description on the protagonist and a few more hooks might kick it up a notch otherwise it's a great read so far.

I threw some medical "jargon" in my novel too. This is just right for your novel.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

Secrets of Life wrote 41 days ago

I am into the 4th chapter and I must admit that I felt pulled into each one right at the end of the previous. I think the storyline is interesting and I do honestly want to know what the outcome will be. Like others I also feel it needs some tightening up.
All the very best Scott.

MDS_SEK wrote 41 days ago

I have read the first 3 chapters of your book and like it a lot. Although the medical terminology is important to the story, watch that it doesn't get out of hand unless you want your audience to be only doctors. Overall a good book and highly rated. I will read more.

Mindy Haig wrote 41 days ago

Scott, this is very good!
I read your first four chapters and other than a few small typos I did not notice any issues.
I would be careful with the pet names in chapter1. This was an issue in my story as well, in normal conversation they just wouldn't address each other with a pet name in every sentence.
I thought it would be helpful to have some dates to have a better idea about the time line. In the prologue, I assumed Reid was about the same age as Sarah because of the way he spoke to his mom. The Year is 1986, but then in chapters 1 - 3 there is no year so it is hard to know how much time has elapsed, but Reid is suddenly grown and a doctor so it must be a significant amount of time.
I don't know if that is helpful!
I look forward to reading more!
Mindy

Mindy Haig wrote 41 days ago

Hi Scott,
I just dropped in for my read swap, and Chapter one definitely has a good hook! I just wanted to let you know I think there might be a small typo in the second paragraph as Dyan's name is spelled Dylan.
On to chapter 2!
Mindy
The Wishing Place
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42791/the-wishing-place/

Eddie Santos wrote 42 days ago

The Chimera Factor is a masterpiece. I've read the first 5 chapters and I am truly enjoying reading it. It is very well written and every chapter I read it becomes more and more interesting. The medical terms don't upset me as Im quite used not to understand at least 10-15% of a book I read. The plot of the story is very interesting and well built to motivate me to keep reading to find out what is going to happen and i think this is what makes a good book to stand out. I am adding to my bookshelf for a few days for support and I am rating it with 6 stars. If later on you need my support again when it gets closer to the editor's desk, please let me know.
All the best
Eddie

RickardoW wrote 43 days ago

I'm loving the story in Chapter 2 it continues to be intriguing and adds even more mystery to the story. Again just a few mistakes and a few sentences which dont flow together.

RickardoW wrote 43 days ago

I don't know why the comments I left haven't shown up. I loved the story and it flows really well and pulls you in making you want to know more. There are just a little more editing to do a few instances where the wife's name was mis-spelt and a few other mistakes.

Natalie1 wrote 43 days ago

Hi Scott, I love the idea of your book. You've managed to draw in the reader from the start. However, I feel in Chapter One If I were you I would modify the medical dialogue (I know you're a medic!) as it will won't mean a great deal to the man in the street and you might lose some of your readers with too much complexity and detail. However I like this story and intend to continue reading and rating it! Well done! Natalie

ItsaSecret wrote 44 days ago

Read the prologue and first two chapters and I wish I had more time to read more of this! Very well written and intriguing storyline, characters and hooks. Highly starred and will save some shelf space for you!

Amelia C wrote 44 days ago

Hi Scott,
Per your request, I have started reading The Chimera Factor.
Gripping start! It immediately drew me into the story. I love the well-rounded and interesting characters and can’t wait to see where they are going as the tale continues.
The meaning of one or two words escaped me, and I had no time to dive for a medical dictionary, nor did I want to stop reading, so I plodded on in ignorance. So far, I am up to chapter 3 and thoroughly enjoying it. Already there are unanswered questions.
Your writing is fluent and exiting. I shall definitely be going back to this story before the night is out.
Given you lots of stars and will be keeping you on my WL.
Amelia
Mungai and the Goa Constrictor

PujaBorker wrote 44 days ago

This is an interesting plot with many suspenseful moments. Science fiction is not my genre but your prologue promises many unresolved endings that incite reader interest. I read the first few chapters and I am eager to know Dr.Reid's plan. Highly starred.
A few observations - I hope you find them useful.
I notice that authors have already shared their comments/thoughts on phrases which seem too heavy. I feel the same. I think that the dialogue exchange can also be made more crisp. For example, when Dyan calls Reid (in the prologue -to find out why he called Sarah, Emily) and Reid replies - 'Okay, Mom' - I think his reply slows the pace.
Overall, I enjoyed reading The Chimera Factor and wish you all the best.
Puja
The Wise Man Says

junetee wrote 45 days ago

This is an exciting and engaging story, full of tension and intrigue.
I was drawn in from the very beginning. Your writing flows well, its simple enough to read although you have more than enough of the medical terms needed to make your story sound possible.
I think you began the story well with Reid remembering Emily, and it made it more intriguing.
Highly rated
Junetee(Four Corners)

revlis0 wrote 45 days ago

This is a really good story with lots of tension and intrigue. I'll back it soon. For now it's staying on my watchlist until I can make room on my shelf.

Revlis0

mhebler wrote 45 days ago

Being a newbie, I have been slammed with read requests, so I made the decision to only read the first three chapters of each book (unless they were short chapters) then move on to the next book, only coming back to the novels I really enjoyed later when my bookshelf is a bit lighter. Already, on my second book, I've broken my rule for The Chimera Factor and moved on to Chapter 4 in hopes you'd confirm my suspicion about Reid and Sandra's relationship. Very clever how you used what their mother used to tell them about random events to make that connection.

The story is very gripping and I love the special ability you've given Reid to make him stand out. I especially like the story of the prologue as set-up. Your chapters end in a way that make the reader want to immediately start the next, which is perfect. You also have some great descriptive sentences that are extremely well written, such as: Chapter 1 - "She also had a distinctive café au lait spot on her left lower cheek." & Chapter 3 - "How ironic it seemed that the terrorists were killed near her feet" - I love both of these as they show more dimension beneath the prose.

Now I would also like to point out a few distinctive hitches, aside from the punctuation errors (most of which are missing dialogue brackets):

- There is a moment in Chapter 1 when you use the description "cutting it close" both in prose and then immediately again in dialogue. If the prose were the person's though as well, it would work but since it is not, the adjoining sentences do not read smoothly.
- Be careful using identical sentence leaders one right after the other, by which I'll explain in example: "They lived in a spacious four-bedroom…" then the next sentence, "They lived in a gated community…". Possibly consider joining these sentences.
- Be consistent. My example for this is "Ph.D." vs. "PhD".
- In Chapter 2, there is a confusing pronoun structure, "It was from a Dr. Steven Matthews asking him to call him".
- Repeated adjectives in the same sentence, example "All across the rooftops of the massive twin buildings, many massive solar panels…" Since buildings are much larger than solar panels, this confuses the definition of "massive".

These are just a few mentions but there are others. Although, these small details aside, the story very intriguing and I am hooked. I'll definitely be returning to The Chimera Factor once I can make more time for it. BACKED.

fictionguy wrote 45 days ago

You got my favorite pet peeve with those giant drug companies. Have you ever read the labels of yhe prescriptions? This is a fast paced medical thriller. The only suggestion I will make is to short the prologue, maybe cut it in half. The last two paragraphs are the only important of it and granted need to work up to it, but not that much. I like it and will back it.

TaniaJohansson wrote 45 days ago

Dear Scott,

I think this is a very interesting premise. You write well and the story flows smoothly. I am completely intrigued about how the (presumably) abducted girl and the explosion would fit it with the rest of the story.
The following was my thoughts on where I thought you could perhaps improve:

Chapter 1

...so he just nodded without looking at his neighbor and daughter Reid reeled the fish.... (I think you are missing a full stop between 'daughter' and 'Reid'.)

You tend to repeat their names quite frequently. Try to replace some of these with he/she/his/hers etc.

...seen her somewhere before. Before Sarah could... (these two 'before' together does not read well, try to substitute one for another word.)

Chapter 2

In paragraph 11 (talking about doing some blood tests) the doctor explains why he has to leave and then continues talking about which tests to do. I think it would be better if he explains why he must leave at the end of the paragraph.

Overall very good and highly starred for its great potential.

Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance

liberscriptus wrote 45 days ago

Just read the first four chapters, and I think you've got an intriguing sci-fi piece here. The narrative is very cleanly written and moves along nicely, and the pacing is well done. My only concern is that the prologue might be a bit on the long side. It's interesting learning about Reid's abilities, but some of the surrounding details seem unnecessary. The characters could also use a bit more personality. A lot of sci-fi falls into the trap of plot-over-substance, where it feels like the author is just trying to chug forward as fast as possible, and while that might work for some people, I think that adding a bit more character development would help the reader care more about the story and what happens to the people involved. You seem to have the plot part down, and I wish I could get to know the people involved a bit better. It's tricky trying to keep a fast-paced sci-fi thriller churning forward without leaving the characters in the dust, but I think that if you can pull it off, it would make the story more interesting.

Best of luck with this!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

Lucy Middlemass wrote 45 days ago

Scott,

I like your title and short pitch very much.

Prologue

Reid’s abilities are revealed here and are instantly interesting. It’s a clever and original idea and the ending of the Prologue is particularly surprising.
Is Reid a little boy or a young man? I think he’s young but I wasn’t certain because of how long ago he remembered the girl from. I realise this is his ability but obviously he isn’t, say, younger than seven.

“Reciprocated in kind.” Either reciprocated or in kind would do, since they mean more or less the same thing.

“as if it was his most prized possession.” You don’t mention what Reid’s most prized possession really is, so maybe it is his rod? In which case, you don’t need “as if it was”

You have a character called Dylan right as the start - is that Reid’s father’s first name? It’s a bit confusing to have Dylan and Dyan married to each other!

I’ve read further, and I won’t comment in detail but it’s shaping up to be a well-written science-fiction piece. Some of the science parts were perhaps a bit tricky to follow, but my unfamiliarity with it might well not be representative.

Thank you for suggesting the swap. I’ve starred it highly.

Lucy

writerchick11 wrote 46 days ago

A clever (well over my head) thriller, with a great concept. The narration reads well and there is an underlying suspense that keeps you reading. The only constructive criticism would be that I sometimes felt the dialogue is a bit forced, unnatural. Also, you did move about in terms of point of views. You can't have the point of view of Reid and then have Dyan's thoughts as well. Also, the beginning I was confused as to if Reid wasn't there (he was inside) and his parents were talking how can this be when the main character is somewhere else? If you are writing in Reid's POV then after his parents have spoke, I think it would be better to say "dad said" and "mum said." I got confused half way through when I was given the name "Evan" and I thought, who's he? Maybe that's me being ultra dense. However, having said that, I did enjoy the concept of the kidnapped girl and the sinister couple so have starred high. Hope you do not think I am pulling it apart - I'm not - but there are a few issues to iron out, otherwise you will put off a publisher/agent. Heck, what do I know anyway?

rikasworld wrote 46 days ago

Your plot sounds great. I like the idea that Reid can instantly recognise people however changed they are. The prologue is a brilliant idea, Reid recognising that Sarah is really Emily. I think it gets a bit lost in all preliminary chat though. I know you have to set up normality before blowing it up but I think it could be about half the length and be more effective. The denoument when it comes is very exciting. I loved the hook at the end of chapter 1 that the message was signed Stanislav not Stan, very suspicious. The details of the lab. are very conv incing but personally, and obviously this is just me, I found the personal life bits held up the action. OK chapter 4 Reid is back in the story. Look forward to reading more and keeping it on my watchlist to do so.

RickardoW wrote 46 days ago

I loved the first chapter it pulled me in and I wanted to know more of what was about to happen. There are still a few edits to do. I will be reading the other chapters for sure.

Dave Weaver wrote 46 days ago

I've read the first three chapters. The plot is interesting and fast moving but the work suffers from being all tell and no show. There are huge info dumps in inappropriate places and people explaining what things to each other they already know. The dialogue is stilted and unnatural, especially between husband and wife. You need shorter sentences, characters interrupting each other, maybe even one or two word replies not great long involved ones. You keep breaking off the action to tell us things we don't need to know yet, the attention to detail is much too fussy and unnecessary. The intro sucks the reader in fine and is a clever way to introduce the protagonist's special ability but it's way to long. We don't need to know about the camper or the fishing rod or any of that as it's probably not going to crop up again. You could do the whole thing in six paragraphs or so plus some edgy dialogue between the boy and the new mom to show his confusion at the girl's name being different and show us his certainty in hisown memory despite everything else pointing to him being wrong. The explosion is a smart and sudden end but this should have more about it compared to all the needlessly dense info and scene setting that goes before. The writing is very dry and factual, some use of metaphor in describing scenes and an awareness for the reader of what'sgoing on emotionally inside the main character's head would break up the story more and put us in his mind more, which is where we should be by now, not observing from the outside but feeling from the inside. The plot sounds fascinating though and very original, good luck with it.

Chris Speck wrote 46 days ago

Read great opening pitch and first chapter!

Olga13 wrote 46 days ago

done..ur book is now on my WL..sooner i ma done reading it will get back to u..based on back up..not worries...will try to back everyone as it goes on the rank number... all the best x

muntsy wrote 46 days ago

You write to the point and concisely and your brevity works here as you know what you want to say and express it to the reader without bogging them down since this story has a lot of information and medical jargon. This is a good read and it flows...Great work.

muntsy wrote 46 days ago

You write to the point and concisely and your brevity works here as you know what you want to say and express it to the reader without bogging them down since this story has a lot of information and medical jargon. This is a good read and it flows...Great work.

Kenneth Edward Lim wrote 46 days ago

Scott,
"The Chimera Factor" is a well-conceived fast-paced book with high marketability. Here are some nits you might want to address. In Chapter 1, you spelled "Dyan" as "Dylan," and you have two quoted lines side-by-side, "Don't worry, I will.""Are you still..." You might consider dramatizing each explosive event more by detailing the protagonist's physcial/mental reaction, the thoughts coursing through his mind, what he says in the heat of the moment. Overall exciting with sympathetic characters.Thanks for sharing.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

TMHickman wrote 47 days ago

Okay, I just finished the first chapter, and I wanted to give my first impression.
I'll be honest, this type of book "isn't my cup of tea".

However!
I couldn't stop reading it. =) The prose and the story line sucked me in. I was a bit confused at the beginning over who was talking to who, and who everyone was, but I think I got it. In the second paragraph, do you mean "Dyan"?
Overall, its a great intro to the book! I'm going to continue reading. =)

Olga13 wrote 47 days ago

straight to the point...i didnt have any problem to follow the story as i read. although some prologue are too long...but in overall i like your book. i hope you will get an agent or get publish sooner... all the best. olga x

jotters wrote 65 days ago

Great piece of work, well developed, fascinating characters and bags full of originality. Good job! Looking forward to seeing this published. Keep up the good work.

Best of luck
Jo

fledglingowl wrote 76 days ago

Scott,
Thanks for the invitation to read your book. I hope you'll be able to look at one of mine as well. The pitch is promising. The Chimera Factor is a neat title. I was thinking of a blended animal, or a man who was part lion or goat under his clothes, but the photographic memory is interesting.
I'm glad you have an editor, wish I had one. There is a stiffness to the writing that detracts from your narrative but I'm sure a good editor can fix that.
I've only read the first chapter, which I gather is a prologue to the story. I was confused about Reid's age, but from the dialogue, he sound's very young, I pictured a ten or eleven year old. So I was taken aback when you said he recognized the neighboring camper's wife Joyce from seeing her at the mall seven years earlier when she looked totally different. Then he not only recognized Sarah as their Nashville neighbor's two year old who had gone missing, but remembers her by name. This was a stretch for me to believe. Since this is his special gift, you might prepare the reader before the encounter so they will be more receptive.
Finally, I couldn't imagine a single rainbow trout feeding six people. Might have Mom or Mr.Steiner catch a fish just after Reid does and before everyone puts up their gear.
Will leave this on my bookshelf and try to come back to read more.
Good luck with your writing,
Janet

DaveR wrote 76 days ago

Scott, I had hoped to enjoy your book more than I did, but I found it too wordy and for a thriller moved too slowly. I was glad to see you've hired an editor. I wish you the best working with him or her. What I noticed first, your prologue is too long, it focuses too much on the moment by moment details before you get to the key element the mysterious explosion. I do think there's a good story here, it just needs a vigorous work out to trim it down. Hence, the editor with a fresh pair of eyes.

One suggestion, I feel you have a habit of using redundant words, which could be cut. A couple examples from the prologue:

"...a tired and weary Dr. Evan Wainwright..." Tired and weary mean the same thing. A tired Dr. Evan Wainwright or a weary Dr. Evan Wainwright would work just as well and flow a little better.

Scott, I see nothing wrong with your storytelling, just some mechanical things that a good edit could fix. Pace is extremely important in thrillers, and I feel you need to cut some wordiness to focus your readers on the meat of the story to speed things up. I hope this will be helpful.

markin2500 wrote 78 days ago

Yes, your pitch is strong. It hooked me, as it is supposed to do. Same for the text of your book. It is a great story, told by the man who has the scientific credentials to tell it. I am glad to hear you have an editor in the works. I have the same problem. It is impossible to edit your own book. This one should get the publisher's attention.

sincerely,

Michael Arkin, author of Judicial Indiscretion.

Ron Mitchell wrote 78 days ago

You have a very conversational dialogue which draws the reader into the story. I am especially struck by your writing something that is familiar to you. You must have went on vacations, for example, near Sevierville, TN a time or two to remember some of the details like you did. To me that is what makes up a good story. Best of luck with your book, and thanks for your support of December Gold.

nautaV wrote 78 days ago

Hey Scott, I've already read the first chapter of your Chimera Factor.. It's a nice read, indeed, very intriguing with a good chapter ending, but I'd pay your attention to some spots, I really do not understand. I do not understand how a little boy can detect that the freckled woman was exactly seven years older, when he saw her for the first time. I'll bet my hat that no expert could ever do it under the circumstances so precisely.
I understand very well why you need these very seven years, then dance it around some other way
The scene of fishing is very vivid, I enjoyed it very much - you know what you are writing about! But: " Casting out his fishing line she smiled back in his direction" I suppose it wasn't HER to cast poor Reid's fishing line. For sure HE, Reid, was doing that. I think this ellipsis doesn't dance here.
Next: "Dyan explained to his father..." Why not "...to Evan" or "...to her husband" at least? Are they of different families?
A pair of lines down in this very paragraph: " She conveyed..." Why not simply: " told"? They are not in the army...
" What do you remember?" his dad interjected. - it" s a typo, of course...
Don't be cross with me for all above written and don't forget your PROMISE!
Five stars, WL, Bye!

memphisgirl wrote 81 days ago

I read in your profile that your book is with an editor. I will read the first few chapters again when the carving and polishing is finished. My best advice is for you to read On Writing by Stephen King. Dialogue requires an ear almost as sharp as a musician's ear for pitch, and adverbial speech tags such as, "eagerly retorted" deserve cutting. Reveal what you wish through description and dialogue. What people say is far more important than how they say it, and less is more. First drafts are "fat," in other words, there's much more than you need, but the writer needs to get it said. Revise for economy. Slash your own prose to the bone. Someone said, "Kill your darlings." This will make an astonishing difference. Don't let the story get lost in the telling.

Memphis Girl (L)
Ashes by Now and Drowning Lessons

David Southam wrote 81 days ago

Hi Scott.

I read your first chapter, and really enjoyed it. Good idea giving a shock ending to the chapter, as it has me eager to read more (which I will do as soon as I get the time!).

For now, you remain on my watchlist and receive 6 stars.

I'd like to offer some advice on some on a few errors I picked up on:


‘Casting out his fishing line, she smiled back in his direction.’ – This implies that she was casting out his fishing line as she smiled, which I assume is not the case. I would reword this to something like ‘Casting his fishing line, he saw her smiling back at him.’

‘”Ok Mom” he replied replacing his fishing rod…’
Needs more commas, as so: ‘”Okay Mom,” he replied, replacing his fishing rod…’

‘Still she was not convinced that there was more to it than just a man’s willingness to help his wife.’
I get the feeling that Dyan WAS convinced that there was something more to it, from the fact that it is playing on her mind and she asks Reid about their earlier conversation. I assume you’ve just made a mistake when writing this sentence, and perhaps meant to write ‘she was not convinced that there was NOTHING more to it…’
Also, I would include a comma after ‘still’, to separate it as an introductory part of the sentence.

‘”Reid, come here a minute. I need to ask you something,” she questioned.’
That wasn’t a question. Consider changed your last words to ‘she requested’.

‘Hesitating for a moment he pondered her mother’s question.’
This should read ‘Hesitating for a moment, he pondered HIS mother’s question.’ Again, I would include a comma to separate the introductory element.

‘”What do you remember” his dad interjected?’
You’ve put the question mark in the wrong place.

I hope this is helpful.

David Southam
Author of The Keeper of the Sightless Eye

Disciple wrote 81 days ago

Scott,

Slight typo I am sure. First page, 'impatients' might be the attitude of the people in your waiting room but 'Impatiens' are the name of a flower. You simply typed one too many 't's'. Such a small thing but I thought you would want to know.

Looking forward to your comments on my book, Christmas Harbor. Hope you have time for a quick look.

Tom Funderburg
Christmas Harbor

Peace Pak 1 wrote 86 days ago

Honestly, this sounds like it would make a very good Sci-Fi Thriller.

klouholmes wrote 88 days ago

Hi Scott, At the start of the first chapter, this felt strongly written. Reid's adamant feelings about seeing the Steiner girl and her mother before, especially since her mother was so changed, is presented so that the reader isn't certain, not providing any POV or information about Reid's abilities. He drew me on. And then the work Sergio was doing with the chinchillas seemed pretty cruel in the zone of animal advocacy. While he is portrayed as a respectable person, again, wariness about him intrigues.
I saw that you're having this edited but I'll just mention that contractions would make the dialogue more natural. There are a few awkward sentences. And "hads" can be deleted such as with the background about Sergio.
I liked how you've shown rather than told the reader the inside first. It did make me wary but interested! Shelved (when I'm on my main computer) - Katherine