The Revealing

The biblical legend of the four horsemen of the apocalypse is given a modern twist in The Revealing. This is a perfect topic for a book because it’s one that is almost universally known, but not really understood or studied. In that sense the author stakes out this fertile territory and makes it their own.

Author C.G. Harris paints a picture where the horsemen are not actually friends but instead rivals, with three men who would assume Famine, Pestilence and War trying to resist Death and all his powers. In a way it read a bit like a biblical tale itself, which is good given the subject, with temptation, loss, sacrifice and the struggle with good versus evil.

Characterization is spot on, backed by great dialog. Dropped into a different genre, this aspect of the novel could qualify as literary fiction, something you don’t often get to experience in fantasy.

The writing here is very strong, some of the best you are likely to come across in the genre. Everything is given a high level of description and it’s obvious that the plot of the book as been well prepared with plenty of unseen developments as the story pushes ahead at a great pace. As you near the end of the story, things get really exciting and The Revealing has a satisfying and appropriate ending that readers will enjoy.

Six stars to The Revealing as a very readable tale that should have no problem finding an audience once published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Just finished The Revealing and I only have one word to describe it: EPIC. What an ending! The pace really picks up after Chapter 36, spiralling frantically into the final confrontation. Not sure what else to say that hasn't been said before. It's very well-written and descriptive, and there are some great internal moments for each of the characters. You really have a cruel sense of irony - the soup kitchen manager who brings starvation, the doctor who brings disease, the peacemaker turned warmonger... and yet at the end I still cared about Chris and Matt enough to be really sad when I found out about their fates (Daniel can rot haha). I think it would be interesting to hear more about how they interact after they meet each other as fellow horsemen, how they sympathize with each other and deal with the insanity their lives have turned into. I also think it would be interesting to go a little more into the background of the Apocalypse. Why is it all happening now? Why were these three chosen?

Overall, I really enjoyed The Revealing, and I don't know what to say other than... *applause*

Cheers,
M.

CG Harris,

I read through chapter 7, and thoroughly enjoyed your work. Very descriptive, very well written, and just, well... professional. This is the kind of thing I’d buy from a ferry book rack to read on the journey (which is a weird analogy, I know, but one I’ve experienced recently – and let’s face it, I’m sure no one has said that before). Really liked the first chapter; where the reference to her bloodied chin was ‘lost’ as I read through, and I initially thought it was a developing love scene – only to have that smashed with the hammer. I love the way the people are ‘claimed’ and the ensuing ‘visual’ descriptive dimension swapping, which I don’t truly understand the reason for by chapter 7 (although I have suspicions from the pitch); but it’s certainly an awesome and intriguing hook! My favourite is the intense fire scene in chapter 3; which made me think you’ve experienced it firsthand...

Crit wise I really struggled to fault the MS (as I said, very well written). I did note a few things for you to consider:

CH01

In the penultimate paragraph the word ‘centuries’ is used in close proximity.

CH05

‘He hated waiting in this area; he always had...’ I thought may read better as ‘He hated waiting in this area; and always had...’ or just ‘...in this area; always had’ I don't think its wrong... but there seemed to be a lot of ‘He’s’ in the paragraph (I suffer the same thing with I’s).

‘But she also had more money than God’ – LOL!

CH06

‘You might even half to start...’ should be ‘...have...’

It did feel a little out of place having Chris laughing with Henry shortly after suffering the loss of Linda, maybe this could be toned down a bit. To a painful chuckle, or laughed despite the sense of loss / sadness. Just to clear it up in the readers mind.

CH07

It felt a little out of place that Daniel is thinking more about Tommy than his transportation / vision to another world. A short sentence on his confusion somewhere at the start may help.

In summary; loved the read! - Will be back for more and have noted for future backing. Thank you for uploading!

Max stars and already WL’d!

Best,
J.

Wow. Just wow. I already like you, so I was prepared to like your book - but I didn't know I'd be so engrossed in it from the beginning. The story is EXTREMELY well written. I will try to keep up with this book and come back to read it until I've read the whole thing!!! Good job. I can't find anything in it that needs editing or fixing.

If you like science fiction fantasy, as I do, this is the book to read, I read all 50 chapters only stopping for dinner then tea that in my case was 10 hours. why, because reading this kind of book for over 30 years, I know when its a real good one. There is no more to say.

Portraits Of A Small Peasant.

A return read: Sorry I took so long to get a review back to you, but I suppose it's better late than never :) Anyway, I had time to read the first two chapters and liked it. Not only the writing, but the actual concept. The first chapter was really good, the type that pulls a reader in, especially with the description and intentions of Asphodel. The second chapter introduces the three main characters. I like Chris the best, not only because it's from his viewpoint, but also his charitable nature and total control when Daniel loses his temper with him. Even though Daniel isn't right in this case, he's still a good guy and I can see he really cares about Tommy and his worry is affecting his judgement.

Anyway, your characters are interesting and pulls the story along nicely with the conflict. In relation to the structure and editing of the chapters, I didn't spot anything wrong. It read very well. All the best, Marita.

CG,

Let me start by saying this is not normally my kind of thing, so I went to it with some trepidation. But from the first two chapters I was surprised by how drawn in I was. Will read on - time permitting. In the mean time, highly starred.

Best of luck with the book and with all your writing

K J

Return read chaps 1-3.
I'd half dismissed this, if I'm honest, before starting as the LP is of a 'type'. But within a few sentences this grips you by the throat and draws you in. Great start! Chap 2-slows down the pace, but works well at developing character interest and backstory. Dialogue driven-slightly over-wordy dialogue is places. Chap 3 brings in the action.
Pace is ok throughout.
Good read thank you. High stars.
John

This is spooky stuff! Your descriptions of your characters, in particular Asphodel, are fantastic. I found myself gliding through this book easily; it's very polished and reads just like a published book. One tiny nit pick:

...showing every bit of wear it endured over the centuries.

I think this would read better if you put 'had' after 'it'. It's describing the wear that's already happened to it so it should be 'had' endured; it's already happened.

Take that as my own humble opinion and ignore it if you think it's wrong.

I really can't offer any other advice as your book is at an already publishable standard. It's clear you've worked hard on this and it's been worth it. You have a gripping and highly desirable book here. Highly starred and all the best with it. Well done.

Hi CG,
I just finished the first 4 chapters of your book, the story is very engaging, I was hooked imediately! I noticed the same thing Kathy did about the starting paragraphs with the character's name, particularly in ch 4. I didn't really understand why Daniel is so contemptuous about the kids reading the magazines in the store, for a guy who is trying to get kids off the streets and to not be thought of as thugs, he thinks of them that way himself so he doesn't seem very genuine in his mission.

Still, the story is well told and I look forward to reading more!
Thanks!
Mindy
The Wishing Place

Hi CG, here returning a read. I'm through chapter six. The first chapter was riveting, with the meeting between Asphodel and his visitor, with a good hook to capture interest. Honestly I was a little let down then with chapter 2. There was a lot of telling, especially with the relationships between your three protagonists and their pasts (and this continues into further chapters). It really slowed down the pace to have info dumped about Chris and Matt in their college years. I wonder if you could tease some of that out through dialogue, give us a sense that these two go back a few years, and neither one of them really ended up where they set out at the beginning of college. Same with Chris' encounter with Daniel. Don't spell out their animosity, show it through their dialogue and body language. If you trim up chapter 2 quite a bit and rework/remove some of the info dump, it might even make sense to combine it with chapter 3, give us the fire scene at the end of that chapter, then move on to the other two like you do. I think it would help the flow, and we'd have one chapter with each man before coming around to Chris again.

I liked the use of the little girl to give them visions of which horseman they are supposed to become, though Daniel's vision was different from the other two as far as his experience of War, as well as his waking from it into the reality of a convenience store robbery. There really wasn't much of a sense that the war in his vision is connected to him in any way, where as Chris is actually told that he was the cause of Famine, and Matt becomes covered in boils, personifying Pestilence. Not sure if this was intentional on your part, but it stood out to me. I wonder if these visions are a warning from the woman who visited Asphodel in chapter 1, or if they are from Asphodel. I suppose I'll have to read on to find out.

One thing I noticed is that you start a lot of paragraphs with a character's name, especially your POV character (this was very noticeable in Daniel's chapter). This becomes redundant, and you want to vary your sentence and paragraph structure, and avoid starting sentences with a character's name, or even a pronoun.

These suggestions/comments are just my opinion, and I hope you find something helpful.

Hmmm,
I love the premise of this story. The pitches are very well written, with just enough information and intrigue given to entice the reader. Chapter one is wonderful. Again, artfully written and definitely leaves the reader wanting to know more. Will star well and back when I have a chance.

Best of luck with this story. I hope it continues to do well. :)

Dyane
The Purple Morrow

Hi
Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you - this is a brillant piece and I really like the subject you have chosen , your writing style has a good pace and rhytmn which allowed your characters and their settings and situations to develop in a really belivable way . I also really enjoyed the first chapter and how you managed to change the tone for the next chapter.

Good luck - I have highly starred this and put it on my watchlist
Steph

The Revelaing hooked me from the start. Your first chapter was gory and mysterious, a potent combination that made me think yeah, this is definitely worth some screen time. From the beginning I could already see that you are a talented writer. I'm not one to lax lyrical about prose and dialogue and stuff but I have to say the way you use descriptive writing is magic.

Your characters are brilliant, each different but all inoxerably thrown into the same situation. Even before the little girl (who btw is seriously creepy) appears to each, I could already guess which Horsemen they were going to be. I also liked that the apocalypse didn't happen straight away so that the characters were fleshed out and we got to either love or hate them. Their internal struggles against what they are and what they wanted to be were well written and very evocative. I almost cried at what happened between Matt and Sarah!

So far, I've read up to chapter 50 but I will definitely read until the end becuase The Revelaing is soooo good. One of the best things I've read on authonomy.

100% backed and staying on my shelf for a long time.
Thank you for directing me to this wonderful treasure. Loved it :)

Yasmin
- Guileless

this is an interesting beginning.
Your words show a lot of visuals, which is a good thing to have.
Interest is sparked at the end of this first chapter.
The pitch draws the reader. Your cover is creative.
Good job.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

The Revealing. Fascinating pitches, well constructed.

Then wow! This is not going to be my usual form of comment, for I am riveted from the first paragraph.

Ch.2. Love the idea of whittling noses down to look likefinepointed pencils.
I've found a teeny nit - you dont need to close the speech marks when the speaker continues to the next paragraph.

Ch.3. It's like watching a fantasy film, the crumbling decay crawling and spreading and overtaking...

Ch.4. Although a fascinating of study of Daniel and his hate-filled life, however altruistic, I find the uniform tread of uniform paragraphs down the screens makes my eyes droop and my concentration wane.

That girl again -

Ch.5. A macabre sense of humour there - the stretched-out Barbie-doll-type tripping up poor Sarah.

What an imagination you have. Each man's experience is different, but equally intense and horrifying.

Ch.6. Then back to a semblance of normalcy.

A cleverly contrived story, combining apocalyptic matters with mundane events. Excellent writing. I cant believe you are a first-time writer.

Jane. (Breath of Africa).

Wow! Ten out of ten!I didn't read your profile but reading this makes me feel I'm reading the work of a seasoned author. Please tell me this is the case? If not then there's little hope for the rest of us!!
You have created a totally mesmorising story here. I am only at chapter 3 and genuinely cannot wait to read on. Asphodel's appearance in chapter one and his I can only guess, feeding from the life innocents, his release from wherever he was and his desire to find new recruits all sets the scene for the epic which you create.
Chris's introduction in chapter two and his nightmarish experience in chapter three had me engrossed. If this were a movie I'd be on the edge of my seat.
I loved this, really, really loved this. You have a powerful writing style and imagination to boot - a winning combination.
I have given you a well deserved full stars and as my shelf is full I cannot add you right away. My next reshuffle will hopefully coincide with when you are even closer to the desk. Rest assured you will have my backing then and I will be first in line for a real copy when this is published.
What a treat, an excellent, excellent book
Big well done

Jayne

What a page turner! Happy to back your work! Hope you get a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
Sue50

Read chapter one, what can I say that hasn't already been said? This is very well-written. To judge by the little I've seen, definitely more in the region of 'literary fiction' than pure 'fantasy' - it's some of the best writing I've seen on this site. The only complaint I have is right at the beginning: can you really "wear" pale skin? You can "wear" a haircut, I believe, since that's something that can be changed, but not skin. Still, that's a tiny niggle, and maybe I'm wrong on that.

I do find your number of chapters a little disconcerting - 50 in an 80,000-word book? That means your chapters are all very short, probably more in line with what one would expect in a thriller. Mine is a slightly lower word count and it has 18 chapters. Most of those chapters are around 10-13 pages in normal book formatting, which is probably normal. Might this benefit from having some of the chapters combined? Anyway, that's your choice as author and i expect there's a good reason for it. The trend these days *is* towards shorter chapters, and I don't see why literary fiction/fantasy should be exempt. The premise is also fascinating - I love dark stories and ones which draw on mythology and the Bible, although that's not the sort of thing I write.

Hope this goes all the way to the top - but I can see it already has! Good luck on the Desk.

I'm very impressed if not a little intimidated by this book. The quality of writing and indepth feel for each of the characters and story line is quite possibly the best I've read to date.

A most enjoyable read in a subject I've not seen in so much detail, ever.

Well done and thank you for sharing it with us. My first rating and it's outstanding.

Hi, C.G., Judging by the beginning, your book will be a success when published (I wish very much it will be). The start is very bright, unforgettable, in fact. It's really hard to get rid of a vision of a monster and the gore of the bludgeoned innocence.It's a pity but the love of blood and violence has always been an integral part of the nature of people, irrespective of whether they are Pagans, Mos-lems or good Christians. That's why such writing is doomed to success.
The charity-radiating second chapter is great. I can't say, though, I love the chapter characters, they are really well depicted and live.
The last, but not the least. Irrespective of all cultural barriers we have to be constructive. I'd pay your attention to a sentence in the 15-th paragraph from the bottom: " I'm sorry, (comma) Daniel, but someone like that (why not "him"?) has no business working here"
Six stars, for sure.

Best regards

Valentine But

This is a very compelling read. The subject matter alone is quite "hookie" (I know that's not a word), and so is your approach to storytelling. There's a great balance of action and character building. Matt, Chris, and Daniel each have very distinctive personalities and their own layers of development. I did find that some phrases like "tender contact" and "sterile white void" were noticeably repeated. You definitely have a gift with words, but in some parts the narrative got a little adjective heavy. Sometimes less is better. Anyway. That's all the critique I have for ya. I read through six chapters and The Revealing is building to a really good story!

Eden
The Siren's Heart

Your descriptions of apocalyptic events are compelling and the flow of your writing is exceptional.

I read through the first five chapters and have only two words to describe this: absolutely fantastic.
Excellent work. High stars and a spot on my shelf for you.
E

I'm now halfway through and your writing and story are still both going strong! There are so many suprises and constant changes which keep the reader guessing. A really great story that I can see being read by a lot of people when it gets published. I'm going to read the rest!

This is a well written story. Read four chapters in my first sitting. It read effortlessly with a feel of a published piece. I could find no fault with it. It's an interesting plot and worthy of my bookshelf. Rated highly, good luck with it.

Hello,

Just wanted to say I finished your entire book about an hour ago and I can tell you I am very impressed with the professionalism, the detail, the imagery, and the realistic attitudes of the characters involved. It is a wonderful book and is highly started by me. Congrats!

K Meador
Journey to Freedom/The Chamber

P.S. just a few notations below:

Chapter 17

Well it took me a long time, to your credit, to find an error, but I believe there needs to be an "at" between "looked" and "phone".

As soon as he was gone, Chris looked the phone and wondered if their connection had survived Li’s violent tirade.


Chapter 18

I had to reread this several times to get the meaning of it; maybe make this a couple of sentences instead of one to get the point across more clearly? 

Perhaps you could convince him to change his business practices if you were able to make a failed venture of his profitable enough to offset more reasonable trade agreements.”

Chapter 18: replace the word "then" with "them".

As the strange pair moved away, he felt the dreamy reality of his surroundings fade, then he saw then vanish into a shimmering mist

The four horseman of the Apocalypse? I was curious because my own book ends with these guys in a battle . However they are very different stories.

The revealing has a great storyline about the well known biblical legend of the Four Horsemen. Very descriptive writing throughout. Very polished work. Should make the Editors desk pretty soon!
Junetee(Four Corners)

Hi,
When I first looked at your book the cover immediately captured my I intetest and when I saw you had uploaded 50 chapters I thought "oh my!" but then I got to reading and I find myself on chapter 15 already excluding chapter 2 for some reason I wasn't able to open. Anyway, I am thoroughly enjoying your book with the pretense of evil very present and the characters persona staying true to how you built them - I am continuing to read but thought I would through this comment in for now.

K Meador
Journey to Freedom/The Chamber

Hi CG! (the initials of my name :P) Thanks for pointing me towards your book. It has been a delightful read so far; you open nicely and keep the pace going throughout the three chapters I read.

I hope you will find the following detailed commentary of ideas/suggestions/and stuff I really liked useful! –

Chapter One:

I love the opening with the death scene, and the strange contrast between fatherly tenderness and the fact this guy has just murdered her! It is slightly ambiguous at the beginning that she is dead (from the opening line) - this is a good thing - , and so when the sensual description of her follows, the reader is almost tricked into expecting something else… A great trick to grab interest.

In the sentence beginning ‘she wore flawless pale skin’, I would eliminate the she… For example, ‘The skin of her face was flawless and pale, framed by long blonde hair…’ The use of ‘she wore’ sounds a bit repetitive after the ‘she was’ in the previous sentence.

Good transition as the other girl appears. I would’ve liked to see the dialogue broken up by maybe one or two thoughts in between the lines, just so I can connect more to the characters.

Overall, a great start, that has made me very curious and interested to see where this story leads. It is also a good length – short enough to be quick and catchy, long enough to get a good feel of your writing style and begin to develop your characters.

Chapter Two:

I like the way you begin in a very different setting to chapter one, of course meaning I am going to need to read another chapter to get the answers to those questions raised! Honestly, from the first chapter, I was building an entirely different image in my mind about what I expected this story to be. Chapter two was a very pleasant surprise; I knew immediately that this was not just another fantasy story, that it had a bit more depth and originality. Well done.


Just a note, I found that the two ‘p’ words slightly disturbed the flow of the first sentence, maybe I’m being picky – ‘preening’ and ‘preceding’, it just made it feel a bit… heavy? Just a thought, there’s plenty of verbs out there if you agree with that. But your work.
‘He hated this part of the job….’ A lot of commas in this sentence, do you think you could reword to make it read easier? I think ‘especially if that business is charity driven’ could be a sentence on its own for emphasis. Sorry I’m being EXTREMELY picky here, it’s not like it bothers me much but I’m thinking of lazier readers, and trying to make your work read ‘effortlessly’ :)

Paragraph 2; love the rhyme of ‘roach coach’ and the alliteration ‘auto auction’. I love that sentence!
‘He constantly delved into social issues like poverty and violence statistics…’ -- I think reword. ‘Statistics’ aren’t social issues… What about ‘He constantly delved into social issues like poverty and violence, and the (adj) statistics would leap out at him. But what struck the most was hunger…’

You balance the dialogue well in this section. It is natural, and I like that it is interspersed with non-dialogue so you don’t have big chunks of dialogue on its own. That was a wordy sentence :/ Long story short, dialogue is well handled.

Good introduction to characters. I don’t feel overloaded by information, but you give good background nonetheless. I like the ‘tombstone’ touch, adds a bit of humour. I’d put a comma after ‘yet’ in ‘or better yet your tombstone’.

Near the end, “Chris was a friend’… too not to.


Chapter Three:

I like how you give the reader some background to W. H. O. it makes me want to keep reading, because to me it proves that there is much more to this book than just fantasy, and it actually attempts to draw connections with the real world – as opposed to just being some abstract story set on earth. I think this is probably what makes your book appealing to a wider audience.

This is a great chapter. I love the action and I know I have to read more. You build tension well; beginning with a very calm scene, all of a sudden the ‘shriek’ penetrates the stillness all the more. I like ‘led the exodus at first’. Use of biblical terminology ‘exodus’ fits well with your work, adds depth to it, even if the reader doesn’t consciously realise this.

What can I say, this chapter is wow. The image of the girl in the ‘silken white gown’ is so powerful; ‘white’ makes her a picture of innocence and peace, almost, amidst the chaos… but then there is this horrifying element of her being solid as stone. You’ve depicted the scene in a very captivating way. I absolutely love this part with the child. I use imagery with children in my own work too, maybe this just really appeals to me. I think I have a thing for that sort of stuff :P



Overall, a great and thoroughly enjoyable read. The writing is polished and obviously a lot of work has gone into it. The characters are well constructed, and I am eager to see how this story is going to unfold - clever to be inspired by the Biblical legend.

Outstandingly rated and on my watchlist while I read some more :)

Good luck!
Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction

Hmmm I have started reading your book and got through chapter one but chapter 2 would not load for me; chapter 3 did so I just thought I'd let you know..

Hi CG,
I read chapter 1! Would have read more, but it kept saying there was an error loading the text.
The first chapter was haunting, the tiny tidbits of information here and there keeping me reading. This looks like a good book with a twist on an old Bible story.
Nice job!
Noelle "Dark Origins"

Hi, CG, you've a great story here, it's unusual storyline is one your targeted audience will find hard to put down.
I read chapters one and two and found only one thing I would change. When, in dialogue, a number is said, use the spelling and not the digit.
In chapter two, Matthew says to Chris: "Fine, how 'bout Jake's at around 7?" That number should be spelled out.
Other than that, CG, I thoroughly enjoyed what I read.

Lisa. x

I'll put this on my watchlist and read some more later, because I feel like I haven't read enough (two chapters) to really get into the meat of the story. What I've read so far though, I've liked.

The opening chapter is a real attention-grabber, so good job there. Your story is very well written, but in my humble opinion, I think you sometimes slip into over wordiness sometimes. But maybe that's just your style, and that's intentional. I like that you establish what kind of story this is going to be in chapter 1 (by mentioning God), making it clear to the reader.

I love Chris. I hope he's your main character. I love how he genuinely cares about those less fortunate than he is, which is not only a good character trait, it makes for an interesting complication in a story like this. My only qualm with him is his naivety about his friends wanting to become rich - the majority of people do. Yes, it's selfish, but why is he surprised by it, since it's such a common thing? I'm interested to see how he'll react to the whole horseman thing.

Like I said, I'll read more later. Good luck!

Liz

C.G., Powerful opening, death is pretty cool in his cold heartlessness. Your teaser is perfect, the pitch right on. The Revealing is interesting but it's such a powerful story with apocalyptic scope, having only read the first chapter I have no basis for this, but it sounds like it will be a contested battle of wills, not a simple reveal.
You write beautifully, the narrative is well controlled and the hook at beginning and end of chapter have me wanting to read more.
Here are a few quibbles, ignore if they miss the mark.
'She wore flawless skin' immediately made me think of Buffalo Bill and Hannibal Lecter. "she had flawless skin.'
'The low cut dress ... had a habit of creeping up' maybe it would droop open to reveal her breasts but
'the split skirt of her dress had a habit of creeping up.'
'any chance she'd had to escape was lost as soon as he used' , maybe 'was lost as he used'
'This time they won't have' is a change of tense from previous paragraph, 'this time they wouldn't have the'
Anyway, neat story, awesome description of death at the end of the chapter. Ranking high and keeping on my watchlist to read more.
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen

Endings are so hard to do well, but I must say I am impressed with this. I really wasn’t sure how this was going to end: if they would be able to beat Asphodel or not, and then what would happen after. You wrapped up all the different plot threads quite neatly. Very, very nice job.
Chapter 56: I really liked Asphodel’s surprise appearance; Chris and Matt’s plans never turn out the way they hope, do they? Asphodel’s speech to try to convince them was true to form.
“Chris knew the time had come; and with a single word” I don’t think you need a semi-colon in this sentence.
Chapter 57: very nice, having Chris misunderstand Daniel’s attack.
“his angry haggard form” should have a comma after “angry”
“the sick acrid feeling” should have a comma after “sick”
“This is the time of the revealing.” Ah, so that’s where the title comes from.
I’d wondered when the girl would show up again; nice to see her make another appearance.
Chapter 58: This chapter helps to answer any lingering questions.
Brilliant idea having Asphodel be Pestilence before he became death and create the black plague just as Matt created the Reaper Virus.
The girl explains “the revealing” very well, but it doesn’t feel forced or boring ; you keep the suspense high by making the reader wonder what Chris’s fate will be.
“here on earth, life.” Should be “here on earth: life.”
You’re missing the opening quotation marks on the paragraph that starts “Your penance, Christopher,”
Great last line, very fitting.
Really, really wonderful ending to a great book.

Just read chapter 3 after a long lay off. This story has me going. It is pulling me in. That's good. One small criticsm, the word drug is new to me in the way it was used. I would prefer to see dragged used instead. Don't let this put you off. So far I am intirigued.

Michael J McKeown (Soul Passage)

CG,
I've read through Chapter 10 and am sufficiently intrigued that I will keep The Revealing on my shelf for a while and read on.
Your Asphodel is nasty, enjoys killing and feeds on death, and is angry about his lot, rather than being simply cold and remorseless. His chosen three (or is it the "little girl" who chose them, that is not clear to me yet) all seem to have good intentions but are all short-tempered. At this point I'm betting on Chris to turn out to be the ultimate hero, as he seems to be the most level-headed. Maybe you will surprise me, Matt is the one who has an anchor.
Jim

Chapter 53: I’m glad Matt and Chris are a little suspicious of Daniel and his intentions; it makes them seem smarter than if they had blindly believed his lies.
A little typo, though: “my little side plans going to fall apart” should be “my little side plan’s going to fall apart” or “my little side plan is going to fall apart”
Chapter 54: Daniel and Asphodel’s conversation feels just a little bit stiff and formal and not as natural as some of the previous section. I’m not really sure why. I definitely liked though, that Asphodel was not as predictable as Daniel believed; he doesn’t immediately want to destroy the other two horsemen.
“battle hardened” should be “battle-hardened.”
Chapter 55: Despite all the damage they have caused, Chris and Matt are quite shocked by the extent of the damage Asphodel has caused; helps the reader to imagine just how bad it really must be.
I loved the irony surrounding the church. Nicely done.
This line confused me: “to post up on opposite sides of the defiled church’s front door.” What does “post up” mean?
Their attempt to sneak up on Asphodel is very suspenseful. And I’m definitely wondering what the mouse is going to do.
“With a skillful kick, Chris threw himself up into his saddle” in this context “kick” seemed kind of an odd word choice.
Looking forward to the last few chapters and how this is all going to wrap up.

I love what I've read. Its EPIC! I liked the interactions of the characters and personally feel it is commerically viable. Your writing is very descriptive and I currently am backing it. It six stars!

Good luck,
skgiggy

The biblical legend of the four horsemen of the apocalypse is given a modern twist in The Revealing. This is a perfect topic for a book because it’s one that is almost universally known, but not really understood or studied. In that sense the author stakes out this fertile territory and makes it their own.

Author C.G. Harris paints a picture where the horsemen are not actually friends but instead rivals, with three men who would assume Famine, Pestilence and War trying to resist Death and all his powers. In a way it read a bit like a biblical tale itself, which is good given the subject, with temptation, loss, sacrifice and the struggle with good versus evil.

Characterization is spot on, backed by great dialog. Dropped into a different genre, this aspect of the novel could qualify as literary fiction, something you don’t often get to experience in fantasy.

The writing here is very strong, some of the best you are likely to come across in the genre. Everything is given a high level of description and it’s obvious that the plot of the book as been well prepared with plenty of unseen developments as the story pushes ahead at a great pace. As you near the end of the story, things get really exciting and The Revealing has a satisfying and appropriate ending that readers will enjoy.

Six stars to The Revealing as a very readable tale that should have no problem finding an audience once published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Chapter 48: I wondered how long it would take them to recognize each other.
I liked how they can’t use their power against each other—that was something I had been wondering about.
“over extended” probably should be “over-extended.”
“the unexpected impact” is just a little bit confusing. You have Chris leap at Matt. And then you have Haid turn into a cloud of insects which the other horse passes through, and then the “unexpected impact.” Impact with what? The insects? The last half of the sentence helps the reader assume it must have been the impact of Christ leaping into Matt. But with the sentence about Haid in between…and we never see Chris and Matt actually collide…Action first, and then the result of that action.
Chapter 49: I like how you describe Matt’s expression as “crunching” his face into an expression of disgust.
Not sure about the last paragraph in the chapter: “Together they would confront the other two horseman” etc. It’s got a really nice sound to it, but it feels as if some of the action was skipped to get to that point. Both Chris and Matt were planning on finding the other horseman and challenging Asphodel, and the reader knows that, but how do they know that about each other? They never discuss it. It might be a little more dramatic if that decision is not summarized so briefly. Really nice ending line for the chapter, though.
Oh, you had me really scared; I thought you were going to try to wrap up the story in just one more chapter, but I see that “Chapter 50” contains several chapters. I’m relieved :) I’m not sure if I’ll be able to stop myself from reading them all.
OK, so, Chapter 50: “After rounding up their feuding mounts” sounds interesting; I would have loved it if you had given a little more detail.
So, they do discuss joining forces; that’s good.
I really liked how they realized that using their power always seems to only compound their problem. But there seems to be a problem with the tense in this sentence: “Did anything you ever do turn out for the better?” Maybe “Does anything you do” or “Did anything you ever did”
“What chance to we have” should be “What chance do we have”
Also, while I really do think they need to have this conversation, it’s confusing trying to figure out who’s arguing for what. They both seem to be in agreement at the beginning: Chris says he feels responsible and has to stop what’s happening and then Matt agrees, saying he wanted to stay and fix the problem. And then Matt wonders if they should just walk away like they should have in the beginning (I really like this, by the way—seems very logical, like something Matt would say). But Chris sounds very sure when he disagrees, saying they have to stop Asphodel. He goes on to wonder how they can accomplish it. Matt agrees, saying if they can get Daniel alone, it will be two against one. But then he seems to be trying to convince Chris, telling them they do have a chance, that if they don’t millions are going to die, that it would be worth it to try and stop Asphodel, that he’s going to help him whether he likes it or not. But Chris never disagreed! It doesn’t sound like he needs convincing (it might be interesting if he did, though). It was Matt who mentioned just walking away, not Chris. So, it seemed kind of odd that he was doing this un-needed convincing. Something to look into?
Chapter 51: I like how you complicate things by having Daniel want to join with the other two horsemen for his own reasons, a decision that is very true to Daniel’s character and definitely increases the suspense.
But when did he find out that the other two horsemen were Matt and Chris? I’m not remembering that part. Also, how did he find out that he couldn’t use his power against another horseman?
In the last paragraph you use the word “figure” three times. A little repetitive, maybe?
I loved the last line, though. You do a really great job of finding the perfect sentence to end the chapters.
Chapter 52: Very dramatic fight scene; Daniel’s arrogance really shines through here.
Daniel says, though, “Chris” and then, “I know it’s you and I know the other is Matt,” implying he can tell them apart. But just a few paragraphs later he tries to “discern who was whom” and he says “I don’t know which one is Chris and which one is Matt”
Very clever of Daniel, using their guilt against them, convincing them that he’s done nothing different from them.
“so called out to the two of you” should probably be “so I called out to the two of you”
“allow Asphodel have his way with humanity” should probably be “allow Asphodel to have his way with humanity”
Very, very nice chapters. I like how you’ve drawn the three horseman together and I’m definitely wondering what’s going to happen now that they’ve joined with Daniel and whether War, Pestilence, and Famine are a match for Death.

I love the name Asphodel first of all. It kind of makes me think of Lord of the Rings. You have a great writing style, really flows. It's so descriptive that I could watch it in my head like a movie. I didn't see any problems with grammar or anything, but I'm not an expert. This is a little high fantasy for me. But I can tell you've put a great deal of work into it. I am putting it on my shelf. More people should read this. :)

Just realized when I was commenting before, I didn't specify:
I think you have accomplished the very difficult task of creating a well laid out plot, developing believable characters etc.
Soooo....when I said "nearly impossible" what I meant was, I think you have done a great job laying it all out. And now, I am reading on.

I enjoy your writing. Though fantasy is not my type of reading, you hooked me through three chapters. I had to stop when the people disentigrated before Chris, smothering him to death. In this genre, I see a best seller. Wishing you the best. I will shelf The Revealing.

I like your pitch and so far, you have very clear character development. I'm going to keep reading on and see what you've created.

One thing I noticed...

"Daniel gave Chris one last look before stifling the rest his comments"

The first couple chapters are the hardest to write. Setting a hooky plot and developing tone and giving the characters, well, character is just about the most impossible thing on the planet. I'm going to finish this, assuming with the comments made by other readers that it has a great middle and ending.
The line from the end of chapter 2 that I quoted has an easily fixed problem the character's actions feel a little redundant...Daniel had already stopped talking. Perhaps it would make more sense if "he bit back a scathing comment", or "gave Chris a blazing look that promised retribution".
Skimming through the first two chapters I noticed that there were a few other places with similar action repetitions.
In any case, I'm looking forward to finishing this. 50 chapters is definitely something to be proud of!

Jen

I love your cover and glancing over your comments, you've already got a fan base. Great job and a truly epic pitch! In the interests of making this as squeakingly perfect as possible.... you use the word 'wore' in both the third and fourth sentences. She wears her skin and her dress. You might want to change that. I had some minor confusion between the victim and the very intriguing girl who has come to tell him the rules. Making more of a scene of him attacking the first girl before the second arrives might help. Or it might just be me.
Hope that helps.
Best,
Kate

Chapter 45: At least Chris tried.
“feed as part of the monster bearing down on them.” “Them” is kind of vague. It wasn’t immediately clear that the “them” was Chris and Haid and not humanity in general or someone else more specific or even the rats and mice themselves.
You describe one of the rats as having “dull pink eyes”. Only albino rats have pink eyes, if it is—which would be fine—maybe describe the color of its fur, too? Most rats have very dark eyes—they look black.
Chapter 46: I like how Matt decides to go looking for the horseman Famine without knowing it’s Chris. He’ll be in for a surprise.
Chapter 47: Nice job having Matt misunderstand what Chris is doing. You’ve definitely got me wondering whether they will team up together and if they do whether they’ll be able to stand against Daniel and Asphodel.

This is an excellent book and deserves to go to the Editor's desk. I'd buy it in a flash and tell all my friends to do the same. The book is filled with great action scenes, well described and filled with tension. Yours is a harsh world - I'd hate to be a minor character in your story. Well done.

Your writing style is very free flowing and begs the reader to read more. Best of luck with your book.

Chapter 41: Well, I knew Matt’s reaction to Sarah’s “betrayal” was going to be dramatic. And it definitely was.
“Matt quaked with rage.” “Quaked” seemed kind of an odd choice; I associate quaking more with fear than anger. That might just be me, though.
“for the rest of your life” is missing the final quotation mark.
Chapter 42: I like how Daniel feels a little overshadowed by Asphodel and his decision to seek out the other two horsemen.
I’m not sure what to think about this chapter being told mainly in summary. It makes it feel a little less dramatic than it could. There’s a lot of telling here and not much showing. Just a thought.
Chapter 43: Poor Chris, he still thinks he can stop what is happening.
“stood to lay a hand Haid’s muscular neck.” Should probably be: “stood to lay a hand on Haid’s muscular neck.”
“he dug through their psyches exploring” needs a comma between “psyches” and “exploring.”
“this single minded” should be “this single-minded”
Chapter 44: I was starting to dislike Matt for what he did to Sarah, but his regret makes it easier to sympathize with him.
Very hard to stop reading at this point.

your book is good. I read chapter 2 and it will be going on my wish list.

I read two chapters. My graddson called it spell binding. Althjough this is not the kind of books I read (or write), I was comfortable with your style of writing and the way you revealed the story bit by bit. The most important part is how you tell the story and you did that well. Good luck with this novel.

My half of the read-swap: You hooked me. Your writing is very good and if I had time right now I would read right through. The name Asphodel is excellent (I tried unsuccessfully to find my dictionary of demons and angels to see if you coined it). I was compelled to turn to the conclusion and it looks like you will have a sequel to your movie! Your scenario for the Apocalypse (I won't give a spoiler) calls for further thought.

One point that threw me--the victim in the opening has her chin bloodied. I didn't get that at all. How did that happen? I could think of several other parts of her that could be bloodied in his final brutality. Also, the framing hammer seemed like an odd substitute for his powerful hands.

Good luck,

James Workman
Christopher Hitchens At Heaven--Atheist Meets Jesus
authonomy.com/books/41994/christopher-hitchens-at-heaven-atheist-meets-jesus/

Wow, I keep thinking the story can’t get better but it does. I like how you’re beginning to draw the character’s separate plotlines together. The pace is fast. And while it’s looking like there’s no way for the characters to back out of what they have become, I’m still hoping.
Chapter 36: I’m definitely wondering what is going to happen to Sarah now that she’s dragged into this mess.
This line seemed a bit odd though: “enjoying the company of this friendly, if not flirty, Frenchman.” If not flirty? From what I’ve read he seems to be flirting with her quite a bit. Perhaps you meant she enjoyed his friendliness but not his flirting?
Chapter 37: The confrontation between Sarah and Matt is nicely done. You make it easy to feel for both of them.
Chapter 38: I was wondering when the three of them would start noticing what the others are doing. I liked how Matt could see Daniel when he went unnoticed by everyone else. My one thought about this would be is that Matt’s realization that Daniel has become the horseman of war feels a little bit backwards. He realizes this “instinctively” and then mentions Asphodel standing beside Daniel. It seems like maybe Asphodel is his clue as to what Daniel has become. Maybe, have him see the two of them together and then realize that Asphodel has foretold this, that Daniel has become War. Just an idea.
Chapter 39: Oh, if Matt finds out what Sarah has done he is going to feel very betrayed. This definitely increases the suspense.
Chapter 40: Wonderful chapter. It feels like Matt has begun to seal his fate. Makes me wonder what the story-world is going to look like by the last chapter. I have a feeling it’s not going to be pretty.