Rip

Loved your pitch sentence, but died on the story in the first three paragraphs. Your POV is shaky. Hmm, I see others have made the same comment.

Keep working on it, though. There is promise here.

Hi there! Just finished the updates and they look great. Fight scene on Thursday? See ya then, MD

Erin,

Some comments here.
I think this starts in an interesting way. However, the writing in the prologue is a little wobbly. There are too many adjectives in the first sentence for it to make sense. It's either chained spread-eagled or chained and spread-eagled. I very much prefer the latter. We don't need to know the floor is stone AND cold. The sentence loses meaning with all the adjectives.
Then I couldn't quite figure out who was who and how many people were there, and whose POV we're supposed to be in. I was thinking Garrison and Tyrus are the same person, or are they not? I feel confused about all these characters.
In the paragraph 'The Chaser tensed...' I got confused with the pronouns. Who is knocked back? Whose lip is sliced? This comes with not knowing who is the POV character.
Watch word repetition. For example in second last paragraph, the words gathered/gathering and lavender are both repeated.
What does 'body tensed pain' mean? (last paragraph). I think something's wrong there.
In the first chapter, we're introduced to the main character. I like the converstaion with the mother - it does a good job of characterising her, but after she puts the phone down, there is a solid wad of infodumping about what she is and what she does. It would be really great if you could somehow weave that into the conversation with the mother.
Overall, I think this is a decent start, but the delivery isn't there yet.

Erin,

I’m enjoying this but have so much to read atm … will catch more of it later, I hope.
Regards and good luck,

Hey Erin, I found a good book! Diary of a Small Fish. MD

Hello Erin,

First of all, anything I say is to be preceded by ‘In my opinion … ‘ OK? Ignore it if you wish. I’m also a bit of a nitpicker, but that is because I appreciate being told where I’ve made a typo or a grammatical glitch, so I can fix it. We tend not to see the errors in our own stories that leap up at us in others’ writing.
So … interesting beginning. It’s actually ‘three other fools WHO … ‘ rather than THAT (who for people, that for objects). And I think their victim, being male, is a blond, not a blonde.
And the beginning of chapter 2 is a nice contrast to 1. This will suck people in. I’ve read only a little and I LIKE Valerie. She’s a character.
Yes, this is interesting and it holds me. I’ll come back and read the rest of it later, okay. In the meantime I’m going to give it a stint on my shelf. That is, when I can juggle one off. I find it's not enough, only five books.
Regards and good luck,

Interdimensional police - so many possibilities here. A few things struck me, reading through: I'm not a crime reader but I've read enough sci fi & watched enough CSI to scrape in. You introduce the idea of 'tasting' without explanation in the third sentence, when all we've got is a victim & blood. I expected 'tasting' = vampires. Just a personal preference: I'd like to know it's not about vampires, so either a quick explanation here or drop 'tasting' in later?
'only marginally pliant' doesn't sound forensic-speak. I loved 'smoke and ginger' - wonderful.
I wondered about the glowing-green tattoo = Algol. Seemed like a dead giveaway to me. Maybe I skim read but shouldn't there be a way to disguise this?
In Ch 2, 'You also said you'd be the family dinner' - ah funny. I think you meant /at/ ?
In Ch 4: 'Race isn't he only piece of information this shows, RaSell.' A major speed bump here. 2nd read through I guessed you meant 'the only piece of information'. Better to proofread.
Your typeface is different in Ch 4.
It's a great idea, perhaps a bit hard to visualise (auras etc.) I love 'Algol' though I thought it was an outmoded computer programming language? All the best for this one.

Who-yah! Now that's what I'm talking about! MD