The Human Black Box Project

This is very exciting writing that leaps into action and just won't slow down. It goes down like salty potato chips; you just can't stop reading! Nicely done!
-- Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

This is wonderfully detailed, pacy and exciting. I'm probably not your target audience, but you build the tension well and carried through too and you've clearly done your research. It's tightly written and there is no messing about with back story. I like following Jay's story and his Dad's at the same time, it's nice to have a younger and an older voice, they contrast well. There were no obvious typos or problems with the chapters I read, so it's a well polished MS. Don't languish here on Authonomy, get it sent off to publishers/agents/anyone. Or even self-publish. I'm sure you will do very well and sell the film rights in a second!!
The gadgetry/techno details I'm sure will thrill any man from 12-120! And some women too! 6 stars from me.
All the best,
Sharda.
We were doing a reading swap, and now I've read yours I'm curious as to what you'll think of mine!! No hurry.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

A nice, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. A nice and grabbing book. Highly rated.

Hi Collin,

This is very good. I've read the first two chapters so far. You grabbed me from the beginning and hooked me. Great visuals. Great characterizations, too. By the end of the first chapter, I felt like I really knew Jay. He's smart, quick, and inquisitive. He's a wiz with electronics, and he's a bit of a sneak, too. His father, in chapter 2, was equally developed as a character. You've created a lot of suspense and two mysteries right from the beginning. I'll come back to read more later when I get caught up with my other reading. I'll try to remember this book for future backing, as well. It deserves attention.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Hi Collin.
I came as promised. Pacing and detail are excellent. Specifically, I like how you move the action along without allowing the informative treatment of the gadgets and wireless technology to slow down the tempo -- something the Bourne Identity films did so expertly. I didn't look for problems because my eyes were moving so rapidly over the action while my mind still absorbed so much. I actually learned something. I did wonder about Jay's age in Chapter 1. Did i miss that, is it important, and, if so, is there a way you can seamlessly work that detail into the flow? I read on partly through Chapter 2 because I was genuinely interested in Jay's father, what happened to his mother, and so on, and I will try to continue when I can. You need to promote this more on the site--I think it is very good. Highly starred and a candidate for my shelf next month.

Dean Lombardo
"Space Games"

This is very exciting writing that leaps into action and just won't slow down. It goes down like salty potato chips; you just can't stop reading! Nicely done!
-- Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Intriguing first couple of chapters. I will come back for more. I enjoy Jay's perspective and his youthful actions/voice are believeable and entertaining. I caught in chapter 1 when he hears the stifled scream and says "The hell was that" Should that read: "What the hell was that?"

From the get go you had me at me at "deadly conspiracy" It seems like your action will be nothing short of that. Great suspense building.

Putting it on my watchlist and will be back to read more.

Sara Sjoquist
War of the Wastelands

Came back to read chapter 2 after it wouldn't when I read chapter 1 a while ago. The story continues well and you have a very intriguing mystery taking shape. What with a mountain of owed reads it's unlikely I will read on but that is due to time and not down to anything wrong with either your writing or your story. Good luck with this and here's hoping it does well for you.

Best wishes

James

Collin, finally reviewing your book, after being caught up in the mayhem of MAYHEM.

Was initially drawn to your book by the title, which is genius.

Read 5 chapters, and thoroughly enjoyed the lot.

Pitch - your short pitch could maybe be snappier. The word 'employed' seemed a bit pedantic. Long pitch on the other had is great.

Plot - well thought out, consistent and believable.

Pace - after a very exciting first chapter the pace slackened slightly and I was dying to get back to Jay's discovery. It wasn't that the back story with his mum wasn't interesting, I was just gagging to find out what the discovery was.

Dialogue - believable.

Characters - I liked his friend, a lot. The dad was also well described! I got a real sense of him physically and mentally. Funnily enough, they both came over more vividly than Jay, maybe there's scope to beef Jay up a bit.

You have a well edited MS. I found a couple of editorial things which I'll post later.

I agree with Sharda, you should self publish. There's a market for this, I'm sure.

There was a good hook in chapter 1 so I was quite disappointed that chapter 2 failed to load. From what I did read everything was well written and carefully thought out. You also did a decent job of making sure that the technological jargon didn't clog up the storytelling too much. This is something I intend on returning to as I don't like doing single chapter critiques, particularly when there isn't much to comment on.
James

Nice opening, it has me asking the important questions. What is happening, what has happened what will happen. And thats really what you want from your audience, give them reasons to read more and feed them enough crumbs to last till dinner. Nicely done.
Your story line and grasp of your books world is flawless, This aspect of the book doesn't really need much, perhaps monitoring pace a little in chapter 3. thats when i thought, time to stop i've got other things to do.... such is the life of a fellow writer.

Boxers and speech writers with talk at length about 'the dance' it's all in the timing. everyone has a rhythm and that can be the make or break of your work. Learn to dance ;)
hold your partner and don't look at your feet. one two, one two three.

Now look at how you start your paragraphs. Especially at the end of Chapter 1. Jay Jay The The The. Break that habit. I think this is a 5/6 other than basic word control you've got a good book.

no other sounds, but for the gusting evening breeze snapping the windscreens of the nearby tennis courts << this could be an important background piece. by putting in the sound effect at the start and painting the picture you've got a whole paragraph right now tied up in a short sentence.

Hi,
I came by to check out your story as I mentioned I would in one of your posts. Very impressive writing here...I love the delicate simplicity of it...images of the newborn birds opening their beaks was a nice touch, descriptions of the contents of the shadow box were very emotive. I really like your writing style and plan to come back and read more as soon as possible. Highly starred for elegant, yet easy to follow writing. Nice work! Ruby

Hi Collin,

This comes to you from a guy whose knowledge of electronics goes no further than the on-off switch, but I enjoyed your opening. The pace is good with those short sentences and one line paragraphs. You make excellent use of 'action' verbs: punched, grabbed, darted etc. Ch 2 - I found my concentration slipping. Perhaps breaking it up into sections, ending each with a gripping 'cliffhanger', should be considered. It works for James Patterson. Similarly in ch 3. Here it seems to me that something is lost by not getting to the video clip sooner. Remember it's early in the story and forward momentum is so important. Maybe the house description and early exchanges between Arty and Jay could be shortened. Much of the techno detail is lost on a layman like me - but you probably see it as essential!

Overall I rate it highly, and will be back for more.

Camac
Untouchable

Collin, I am really enjoying this book. You have great pacing, and the descriptions of the scenes and the actors are enough to give you the full picture, but don't distract from the movement of the story. I have made it through 4 chapters and will certainly be back for more. Have a great weekend.

Chris

I once read that a good book should have you 'racing through the pages' to find out what happens next, your story certainly has that quaility! It's intense, sitting-on-the-edge-of-your-seat gripping and has great pace.

I would've liked to have seen a tad more description in the first chapter to create a better sense of place because i had trouble visualising where Jay was and I wasn't particularliy a fan of all the computer jargon and even though i'm not computer illiterate, it was like having techie mind dump.

I liked Jay's character but thought you used his name A LOT within the text. I loved how you introduced his father by going straight into the action, widening the story/puzzle all the while creating way more missing pieces.

The description of the father's movements and actions around the house were spot on, you could feel his anxieties, desperation, determination and sense his hope to hang on. It was all reflected in how he went about each 'step'.... you also could perfectly see what kind of man he was, what mattered to him and how he'd been living his life over the past few years. He's an interesting, convincing, well rounded character and you accomplished that in such a small amount of space.

One thing i kept thinking while i read the first two chapters was that i personally thought it would be more interesting to reverse the two chapters, to begin with the father, introduce the son and then go back to the father at the house where appropriate... anyway, a great story so far. highly starred & added to my wl.
Best of luck,
Terry

YARGed Review: I can't see whether this is a YA book under the genres, but the first two chapters read like one, so I'll mention your book on the YA thread on the Forum. (I assumed it's YA due to the character's age combined with the adventurous side of the story).

From what I've read so far this is a fast paced techno-thriller that grabs the attention of the reader (me!) straight away. I usually only read a chapter of people's books due to time constraints but I was right onto your next chapter without blinking an eye. I like Jay, he comes as a good hero, someone the reader can relate to. I like the inclusion of the two Russians too and understood what was said :) Although born and bred in new Zealand, I'm Croatian and obviously other Slavics have the same swearwords. I didn't need a translation for the word "Govno," as I've used it before :)

Anyway, in relation to editing and any suggestions for improvement, I'm afraid I don't have any. I thought this read very well, and I didn't notice any errors.

All the best, Marita.

HUMAN BLACK BOX
I opened this book because I saw it on someone’s shelf and puzzled what the title could mean. And after reading the first chapter I didn’t wonder any more I was so absorbed into the story. I’m totally technology challenged; know nothing about wireless conncctions except I’m angry when mine doesn’t connect – so I’m impressed with the way you took some potentially complicated tasks that Jay was doing and turned it into a readable format for even someone as tech challenged as me. You’ve created a good character in Jay; I could imagine how frightened he was watching that scene unfold through the lens of his camcorder. Made me want to not only see him safely back home but not have this night come back and bite him. Which of course I knew wasn’t going to happen and what kept me reading. I won’t add any spoilers. Just highly star this and add it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

First, I love the title: HUMAN BLACK BOX. All sort came to mind when I first saw it

Your chapters are crisp, intriguing and interesting.

I am sure that this will be on a few shelves at the NSA and GCHQ. Very imaginative and very well written.

Philip John

The Human Black Box
WOW. This is a guy’s book. I love it – I’m in the middle of the action and I read all 3 chapters with my face inches from the screen. Excellent pacing. Here’s the thing, though, I think when you read a real heart stopping action scene, any awkward sentence jumps off the page. That’s the only thing I can come up with for my ridiculously nitpicky crits. Because truthfully, I REALLY loved it. I hope you’re not put off by it – in a more flowery narrative, these sentences might be glossed over and ignored and it would be fine. Truthfully it reminded me of Lee Child’s Reacher books, where by the time you read a few chapters, you’re a bit exhausted. (Edited: I went back and read your bio before I hit post and now I see why;-))
Overall: this is great and is on my list for my shelf – I have one and I honor it. I don’t blow smoke and say I’m going to shelve something when I’m not. Just like my return read, I’ll get to it, it might be a bit, that’s all. This is the type of book I LOVE to read but have no ability to write, I don’t think. I will actually come back and read more (everyone says that, but I really mean it), I just have to go to bed! Crits are below, but a lot of them are telling you things I enjoyed. I feel a bit like I’m falling all over myself but what can I say, I get enthusiastic when I really love something.. gah.
Crits and CH notes:
Ch1:
Ha ha – late night Cinemax. I wonder if any of the Brits on this site get this?
Most nitpicky crit ever – make it dirty opalescent puddle. For me, two adjectives, the simpler one should go first. Otherwise it interrupts the flow. I’ve never seen that anywhere as a rule or anything, but I always notice it. So now, I’m apparently just making stuff up as I go along. Do what you want with it…
Something about “voluptuous generous gobs” stopped me dead. Which is a shame because until then I was reading furiously fast – glued to it.
I love how I’m in the middle of the action already. Well done here!
As if each word were a heavy block he had to hoist into position…this sentence struck me as clunky.
Ch2:
Loved the line about the flowers being miffed.
I’m reading this in my house at night alone (my husband is working) and when the mouse started moving itself and someone wrote him a message, I got pretty creeped out.
Loved “your goddamn paint by numbers”
Ch3:
Hahahaha – dying at “you wouldn’t have been in Massachusetts otherwise” regarding DD. True statement.
How can Arty go to a rave in a wheelchair? I’ve never actually been to a rave, but my impression is extremely crowded, very loud, writhing teenagers.
Literature in Erotic literature jumped out at me,… I think he’d say something simpler, like book. Or even more slangy.

One other thing: Your cover doesn't do it justice. I think unless I'm mistaken, it's a redacted memo or something, but the book is much better than the cover lets on. IMHO, of course!!
Kate M.

Hi Collin. I was able to read your MS a little earlier than planned. I tend to do long, rambling reviews because I take notes as I read, hope you don't mind.

I think caress is a weird word to describe Jay's typing. You can't really 'caress' a keyboard because then you wouldn't type accurately...at least in my opinion.

Also in the first chapter, you started to lose me with all the tech-speak. I am possibly the least technical person in the world. I'm 24, and cannot work a smart phone, but my son who is 4 knows how. So maybe it's just me -- I tend to give up whenever I read technical things though, so I was concerned maybe others would, as well.

I'm wondering why Jay didn't call 911 at the end of the first chapter. At least after the forgein men left. Or did he? Maybe I missed something. If he didn't call, it would impact my ideas about him in a majorly negative way.

In the second chapter, I liked the term "weed-choked". Lots of description with just one short phrase. Though in that paragraph I think you should find another term for the second 'flower bed' since you used it just one sentence before it appeared again.

I wondered if Jay was trying to sneak out of the house. Again, not sure how I feel about this family. The dad doesn't seem very attentive to his son. Again, I may have missed something -- I read very quickly, so perhaps thats why.

"....as if the yet to mature...." sentence read very awkwardly to me. I had to read it several times to get it to make sense, I think it would benefit from a re-wording.

I think a jeweler would know, and with immediate, chill clarity, if his collection of jewels were fakes. That similie just didn't resonate with me at all. I get where you're going with it, but I just think you could do better.

Also, 'old school' doesn't sound (to me anyway) like a term a middle aged white man would use. I have only ever heard wanna-be gangsters use that, but perhaps it's because I live in Los Angeles.

In the third chapter, I found it quite unbeliveable that Arty's front door would remain unlocked all of the time. Especially if he lived with his parents -- my mother is crazy about making sure everything is locked up before she goes to bed, even the windows. I think it would make more sense if Jay perhaps had a key to the house, or maybe knew where the spare was hidden.

Kruder and Dorfmeister isn't a well-known band, so I couldn't imagine the music in the least. Also, I have read a couple HarperCollins reviews recently that have frowned on the mention of pop culture-y things in manuscripts; they say it can quickly date the novel. I'm not sure if that applies to this particular band, really, but I figured I ought to point it out.

When you started talking about the raves, I began to wonder if it was at all important to the story. It's interesting, and everything, but why was it in there? Wondering if raves play a pivotal role in the novel.

I know I haven't been sixteen in about 8 years, but I have never heard a sixteen year old boy call the bathroom 'the head'. Only my grandpa says stuff like that. It's much more believeable for him to say something like, "I gotta take a piss". Just my opinion, though.

I thought Arty's voyerism make money scheme was pretty funny -- also sort of ingenious. Letting me know a little plan like that helped me glean a little bit more information about his character without spelling it out for me.

Hope you don't think I'm nit-picking! I can back it for you sometime in the future, but you'll have to give me some time. People around here tend to get very very pissy if you remove them from your shelf.

Melissa

Collin,
I walked right into action, as if barely on time for a movie just past the credits, and was amazed how you maintained the flow to the very end. Following Jay and then his Dad was mentally strenuous, each one with his own agenda, each one seeking answers and closure. You have a knack for detail arranged in such a manner as to be well ordered and clear. The action scenes described were graphic, rivetting. I kept reading with the manic obsession of someone possessed, downright scary.. Thanks for the rollercoaster ride.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Just read chapter two and the intensity and thrill of chapter one doesn't let up. I almost get the feeling that Stephen is being paranoid and that anyone watching him would think he's going crazy, but then, when he starts searching on his computer and his mouse is hijacked, that is a truly incredible moment. He is being watched, not that I didn't believe but that is truly eery and you totally feel for him as he freaks out. The pace of this chapter is excellent and I can't wait to read more. Sandie

Dear Collin

I have read the first two chapters of "Human Black Box" an atmospheric and fluidly written thriller. You have a great, descriptive style which brings the reader quickly into the plot, though you build the tension slowly and with attention to detail. That is a wonderful combination.

You use embellish the plot with technical know-how which builds authenticity. And your characters, though described sparingly, are believable. You introduce small, reflective touches, what they are thinking, that really help to build empathy.

If I have any suggestion to make, it might be to comb your MS and check your use of tenses. Occasionally you use the present tense, where the past tense might be a better fit.

All in all, this is a very credible and engaging read. I wish you well with it. Highly rated.

Fran :-))

This is wonderfully detailed, pacy and exciting. I'm probably not your target audience, but you build the tension well and carried through too and you've clearly done your research. It's tightly written and there is no messing about with back story. I like following Jay's story and his Dad's at the same time, it's nice to have a younger and an older voice, they contrast well. There were no obvious typos or problems with the chapters I read, so it's a well polished MS. Don't languish here on Authonomy, get it sent off to publishers/agents/anyone. Or even self-publish. I'm sure you will do very well and sell the film rights in a second!!
The gadgetry/techno details I'm sure will thrill any man from 12-120! And some women too! 6 stars from me.
All the best,
Sharda.
We were doing a reading swap, and now I've read yours I'm curious as to what you'll think of mine!! No hurry.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

Hi Colin, just finished reading chapter one and I have to say, this is excellent! If the rest of the book is like this .. I was hooked from the start. I love books that start with something happening, either action or thrilling and this deals both out. The reader knows that something is happening and gets totally hooked in from the first line. There are some brilliant descriptions in here too. His english came out deliberately placed, as if each word were a heavy block he had to position, to finally construct each sentence, brilliant. I did notice one possible typo, the pragraph that starts with 'He rested too, against the cool cinderblock wall' the last sentence starts with He hands, I think this is supposed to be his hands, but I could be wrong. All in all a brilliant, action-packed, thrilling chapter one of a book that I will be reading more of.

A nice, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. A nice and grabbing book. Highly rated.

Hi Collin,

This is very good. I've read the first two chapters so far. You grabbed me from the beginning and hooked me. Great visuals. Great characterizations, too. By the end of the first chapter, I felt like I really knew Jay. He's smart, quick, and inquisitive. He's a wiz with electronics, and he's a bit of a sneak, too. His father, in chapter 2, was equally developed as a character. You've created a lot of suspense and two mysteries right from the beginning. I'll come back to read more later when I get caught up with my other reading. I'll try to remember this book for future backing, as well. It deserves attention.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Great opening chapter. Excellent pace! You balance action and introspection brilliantly. There was one line about a car charging like a charging bull which threw me out but otherwise I loved it. Especially all the bits about trying to see in the dark/shades of darkness.
Chapter two gives us the back story of Jay's mother. Although this showed me that you have a great thriller in your mind, it was less active than the first chapter and the movement in the father's memories to the day of the wife's death to the recent threats to them bringing the baby home, and back to him waiting for Jay made me feel a little overwhelmed. It might benefit from just a small bit of re-structuring to ease the story out for the reader. But I'm sure it is going to be a great story!
Made me think of Harlan Coben!
Best,
Kate
The Licenser

I love your opening chapter. I was drawn into reading more and found the writing to be fast-paced and exciting. Your characterisation is convincing and the narrative flows really well. I think you have great potential here and I think The Human Black Box Project deserves lots of stars.
Best,
Melissa
Lessons in the Dark

Great opening chapter, firmly placing the reader in the unfolding action. Watch for being overly descriptive, it reads a little purple in places (bodily sensations in particular, but also some of the description is OTT) - less is more. This reads like YA (Jay is 16) and wonder if this is the intended market. Certainly plan to read further, and will be back. Juliet

Hi Collin.
I came as promised. Pacing and detail are excellent. Specifically, I like how you move the action along without allowing the informative treatment of the gadgets and wireless technology to slow down the tempo -- something the Bourne Identity films did so expertly. I didn't look for problems because my eyes were moving so rapidly over the action while my mind still absorbed so much. I actually learned something. I did wonder about Jay's age in Chapter 1. Did i miss that, is it important, and, if so, is there a way you can seamlessly work that detail into the flow? I read on partly through Chapter 2 because I was genuinely interested in Jay's father, what happened to his mother, and so on, and I will try to continue when I can. You need to promote this more on the site--I think it is very good. Highly starred and a candidate for my shelf next month.

Dean Lombardo
"Space Games"

i have added it on WL...will read sooner i am done with the others. and for sure..will get back to you...all the best. x

This is one tension-ridden, nail-biter of a first chapter. You hooked this reader immediately and I admired the way you plunged straight into the inciting incident and didn’t slow the pace with backstory. And I like the way that when you do give us the exposition it is very much on a need to know basis.

The description of Stephen, and his psychological torment, a man who can’t even mourn his dead wife properly because of his terror that his tormentors are watching his every move, was beautifully and convincingly written.
The shadow box, the couple’s treasure trove of shared memories reminded me of Bruce Chatwin’s Cabinet of Curiosities he talks about in his travel memoir In Patagonia. But in your book, this takes on a sinister overtone as Stephen suddenly comes to the realisation that this may contain the hidden camera.

Just one small point, I did spot you had written ‘widow' as opposed to widower. It’s half-way through Chapter 2 - in the para that starts: ‘He had been quiet for damn long enough.’

I have read up until the end of Chapter 3 and fully intend to read more. I didn’t want to stop reading but want to give the next few chapters my full attention as if this continues at this standard, this is shaping up to be a taut, psychological thriller and one which I would pay money to read. It just goes to show how crazy the Authonomy ranking system is as this deserves a place at the top. On the W/L, highly starred and will be next in the queue when I change my shelf next month. Terrific stuff.

This book has real potential:

A gripping opening chapter, plunging the reader into immediate action. Original descriptions with a modern flair to the style of writing. Definitely catches attention and the fast pace keeps the reader engaged.

The major point of feedback so far that I would have to offer is sentence structuring. As it is, your writing is polished and there are not many grammatical errors. But, to take it to the next level, I would look at rewording and restructuring. Think of what you want the focus and subject of each sentence to be - and where you want to place the emphasis on. You do a great job at times with short sentences that assist in the building of tension, and make the reader tumble on in the story. But, other times, too many commas and details crammed into the one line create some confusion and disrupt the flow. I've highlighted this in the word doc I've emailed you :) Hope I don't sound too harsh -- just want to push you to the bounds of your capability and hopefully my feedback will help!!

I look forward to reading more and seeing how you take on board these edits. I will definitely be keeping an eye on this one!

All the best :)

Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction

I read the first three chapters.

General comments: A absorbing beginning. Jay is an extraodinary, likable central character. Superb use of deep point of view to add dimension to his character. Well-crafted descriptions. Tremendous tension. Fast pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'He saved off a 2 megabyte chunk to a temporary folder, ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99.
2) "I drive now Sergei." Comma after 'now.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) ' ... formerly filled to the brim with Vodka and tonic, half gone now.' 'Vodka' is a common noun and should be lowercase.
2) Hyphenate 'fifty three.'
3) ' ... the puppet master that invisibly pulled his strings.' 'That' should be 'who.'
4) 'Stephan hurriedly fixed himself another drink quickly finished it off.' Insert 'and' after 'drink.'
5) "Stop what you're doing Mr. Brookes." Comma after 'doing.' As mentioned above, when you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There is another case in this chapter where you address someone but didn't offset their name or title with a comma.

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) ' ... as immaculate as a bio-safety level 4 lab at the CDC.' According to the CDC, 'bio-safety level 4' should be 'Biosafety Level 4.'
2) 'Arty quickly located this wireless acquisitions for the night and ... ' 'This' should be 'his.'
3) ' ... from their K & D Sessions disk ... ' 'Disk' should be 'disc.'
4) ' ... and too boot, was now making him work too.' The first 'too' should be 'to.'
5) ' ... withered by those that wised up and ... ' 'That' should be 'who.'
6) "The guys that came later had Russian accents, I think." 'That' should be 'who.'
7) Hyphenate 'four legged.'
8) "You taped over my memories you idiot!" Comma after 'memories.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest,

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a marvelous day, Collin.

Al

Great opening chapter - it draws you in almost immediately. You get a great sense of what's going through Jay's head when he hears each scream - the urge to flee battles the urge to investigate - very well written. I like the line you added about his own mother's death. It stuck in my head and it makes you want to find out how she died and if it might be in some way related to what is occurring at the present moment. The highlight of the chapter is when Jay is hiding by the dumpster - I like the will they/won't they concept concerning the Russian men's decision to enter the alleyway or not. You can really picture Jay in the darkness and you can empathise with the panic he must be feeling until they walk away.

I will keep this on my watchlist and will put it on my shelf during my next rotation. Highly rated.

I read chapter 1 and could not find a problem. But even better, I found a fast-paced, thrilling opening. This is not my normal genre of choice, but I was still entertained. As I read, this literally played like a movie in my head. You describe everything so I see it, a great example of showing and not telling.

-Cassandra Porter
LOVE, DEATH, OR THE GIFT OF HAPPINESS

while our genres are totally different, i like to read any well written manuscript. this is a great premise that doesn´t disappoint. the book flows naturally.
j
what every woman should know

Your opening sentence left me with a very visible impression of your character and where it was. The sentence was nigh on perfect. What wasn't was the use of within twice in the second sentence of the second paragraph. Same with the repetition of magnetic very close together further down. Too much similarity has the effect of detracting the essence from some otherwise excellent writing.

You have a brilliant eye for detail. The engine ticked as it cooled -really kept me in the car with Jay.

Even from as early as chapter one, you've got the action thumping off the pages. It's really well-paced for a thriller and grabbed me straight of. That's something which is not always easily achieved. Reading through to two, you didn't miss a beat.

The whole concept is highly original and I'm not surprised you're shooting up the charts. Good write and an even better read.

This is my kind of book. I read through the first two chapters and I loved every second. Action and suspense that just won’t quit! I love the story idea and I can see it spinning into a fantastic book. Your imagery is fantastic and your dialogue is smooth and natural. Can’t say enough about it. When I make some room on my shelf I will give this one a spin. This one gets high stars

Although this isn't my preferred genre, what I love above all is good writing and if I were to pick this up in a bookshop I'd be tempted to walk out with it because of your eloquent, elegant use of language. That to me means more than anything else! Right from the beginning you have some great characterisation.

Just to prove I'm not just an easily pleased gushy type, a couple of minor things: I would change the sentence that starts But for him, to But within him... and then you can delete the second instance of him. Also, and we're moving into hair-splitting territory here, but I didn't like "come on, he thought, move your feet". I don't know why but it felt like it should maybe be either, "come on, feet, he thought, move" or ""Come on, he told himself, move your feet". And then the use of Simultaneously straight after kind of sounded like the praying was simultaneous with the telling himself to move his feet. If that makes sense.

I don't know if you've tried reading it out loud to yourself - you feel like an idiot, and it's really tedious, but it helps you catch these little things...

Sorry I had to resort to nit picking to say something constructive beyond "I love your writing"!
Highly starred...

Glad I stopped by to check this out! These comments are on chapter 1. Great beginning, pulls the reader in, the scream is mentioned quickly. A few small things:

Some night this turned out to be, he thought. He should be back in the safety of his [or his(extra words)] friend Arty’s house, playing the [it would be a more normal speech pattern for a young person to leave out "the"] XBOX, ordering pizza, and having nothing more exciting on the horizon than the promised[promised, or prospective?] thrill of late-night Cinemax. 

which he sold back to classmates [ no need for "back", that would only apply if his classmates had owned them in the first place]

With a caress over the keyboard, ["of" the keyboard? over would mean he didn't touch it]

As he had worked [ no need for "had]

With a quick keystroke [it would usually be a series of keystrokes]

as the engine ticked contently as it cooled, [a bit awkward, maybe "as the cooling engine ticked contentedly"]

a drainage ditch which separated ["that" separated]

As his eyes strained over differing degrees of darkness, he tried separating the dark hues with his eyes. [a bit awkward, and if it was that dark, how would he be able to tell that the puddle was opalescent?]

As he watched for further movement from the dark field before him, what he mistook initially in his peripheral vision for the intermittent glare of passing traffic in the distance, slowly grew, and grew, like a blooming migraine in the corner of his eye. [maybe break into multiple sentences?]

newer models Dodge wagons.[ model]

The dark form stood again, and leapt out of the gully. The dark form sprinted in the opposite direction of Jay, past the courts, toward the soccer field on the other side, and through an adjoining baseball field. The form finally hurdled with ease over the squat baseball field fence and continued into a shallow copse of dark trees beyond the left-hand dugout. The forest beyond promptly swallowed him whole. [too many uses of "dark " "dark form" and "form"]

The tall one’s English came out, deliberately placed, as if each word were a heavy block he had to hoist into position, to finally construct each sentence. [active voice would work better here The tall one’s spoke English as if each word were a heavy block to hoist into position before he could construct each sentence]

Russian?[wouldn't he have realized this earlier perhaps after Nyet]

as they crouched, disappearing [ crouched and disappeared ]

Great first chapter, I'm going to rate and read more!

JT Carroll

I enjoyed what you have here, Collin .. intelligently written and an excellent read.

Mick

Just read the first chapter. Fantastic. It's going on my bookshelf and will stay there at least until I've read it all.

Hey you had me with the first line .. Ha!

This is tight, pacey, exciting ... I've just read the first chapter ... I'm hooked and I'll finish this right now. If I have anything else to say I'll come back but I think you've probably guessed I like it ..

On my shelf when I can ... until then mucho starlight.

Mick

Hi Collin,

Let me start off by saying: BACKED. Tremendous work. I LOVE me some nerd fiction. Disappointed that you only posted three chapters. I would love to read the entire manuscript, and would be willing to comment on it, if you feel like you'd want someone to read it with a critical eye.

I think the first paragraph is one of the most gripping I've ever read. Of course, your first chapter begins with an action sequence featuring a character whose identity we don't yet know, and at some unknown time somewhere before or after the rest of the story. So, if you've chosen this sequence purposefully because you want to grab the reader by the balls early on . . . mission accomplished.

Your writing style and technique are also excellent, which saves me the trouble of making alot of the standard comments I like to leave about verbs, showing v. telling, and other stuff that seems to apply to so many of us, here. (Myself included, because its easier to spot in someone else's work than my own.) While these issues seem trivial "grammar nazi" crap, I think your work shows how easy it is to read clearly written prose, without the distractions that some of those problems bring. So, again, excellent job, there.

I would like to make a few comments to help you improve because I assume that's why we are all here. Of course, you're free to ignore any of my suggestions. Either way, please know that I make these criticques with utmost respect for your work, and in the spirit of constructive criticism.

I think you have some problems with the second chapter (or what's posted here under "2"). There's a whole lot going on, there. Too much, I'd say. And I think this clutter arises from the fact that you have so much back-story to spill. How Jay's mother dies, the events afterward between Stephen and the unknown group spying on him, and his general unease with his life after his wife's death. And you couch all of this in a description of him deciding to rid his house of all things which could be a vehicle aiding surveillance. Back-story is always a problem. You want to get to the meat of this story without dwelling on the circumstances that set it into motion, but barfing it all out in one chapter, for me as a reader, was overwhelming. Plus, and this leads me into my next comment . . . you haven't taken advantage of the opportunity this information provides you for dramatic reveals.

I admire an author who chooses the exact perfect moment to reveal plot twists, or interesting background information about the characters. This is very hard to do. I'm struggling with it in my own work. But a great example of an author who did this really well was Mario Puzo's The Godfather. Just FYI. I think the background of Stephen's backstory and his interactions with the "Leadership" and the death of Jay's mother provide you with a great opportunity to do some more timely reveals, rather than putting this all into one chapter. In a way, what it says to me is: "Okay, here's everything you need to know, really quickly so that you can be up to speed for the rest of this story." But I wonder if there's a better way to give your reader this information?

Anyway, I will be giving some space to this on my bookshelf for a long time. And if you decide to post another chapter, I don't know if anyone would be more excited than I. All the best,

Ferris

The Discovery
http://www.authonomy.com/books/40668/the-discovery/

Very interesting. I back it.

Collin,

A fantastic first chapter. First, the amazing fast-paced race along the motorway ending in the death of the rider, then the strange but intriguing spying by Jay, as he searches for hot-spots.

Very well written , fast paced and addictive, a great opening catch and plenty of questions at the end of the chapter.

Smooth narrative and nice descriptions, especially the motorbike being likened to a needle stitching up the traffic.

Best regards
Warrick

Saw this plugged on the forum on http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/91724/the-human-black-box/

Really good opening - hope the pace is the same throughout, would make great thriller reading, Dean Koontz style.

Best of luck, Lisa

I like your pitch. It piqued my curiousity even before I opened the first chapter. I really liked your original description of the car chase, and how you described the sounds of the engines.....okay, I'm not up with names of cars, and thought the main character was in a car, and when it came to the description of the bike, I was momentarily lost until I realized he was on a motorcycle. You may want to add "motorcycle" somewhere in the first paragraph for dummies like me! lol

Wow, what a ride! The first chapter is awesome! Your writing is smooth and very visual. I see your story unfolding, and felt myself on that bike. His memories at his death was perfect. Highly tuned, very tight prose. Excellent job!!!

You need to join the forum, and some groups. the best way to get your story out there, is to push it to people (like I politely asked you to swap reads, and to join groups who critique each others work. You have earned a spot on my bookshelf. I will have to put someone on the backburner for your book. I really believe your book is excellent and deserves publication. Great job!!

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

interesting story told with effective and descriptive narrative...a good read, and worth my backing...
read SEASONS...

This is AMAZING!!!! Chapter one is off to a literal rip-roaring start-- stolen bikes, Russians, tech-saavy teen and one person dead! Love it. Your command of language is admirable, well-paced and even poetic in spots. The poetry, however, does not slow the break-neck speed of the narrative. As well, the techno vocab was handled artfully and did not drag along as I expected it would. Can't wait to turn to chapter two. Highly starred & watchlisted (only because my shelf is committed).

(two typos: "siphen (of)" instead of "siphen off", and "charming bull" instead of charging. Then again, I suppose bulls can be charming when they make an effort!)

SW
DEVIL WENT DOWN