Jimmy Threepwood and the Veil of Darkness

Hi Rich, came to read your book, but all I got was: "Sorry, an error occured while loading the chapter text." Will return soon to have another go.
Hard trier,
philp4002 [Phil Phoenix - author of The JET! Trilogy]

Your book good

(YARG)
Hi Rich, here for our reading swap.

I really like this. Does feel a little like the opening of Harry Potter, no bad thing by any means!
The writing flowed nicely. The pace is good. Liked the parents, in fact, wanted a bit more of them in the first chp. Would help to get us firmly on Jimmy's side. Would like to actually see (not just hear about) the scene with the cold chicken burger and Jimmy having to hand over his one and only toy!! Would be very Oliver Twist!

By only slight niggle was that I found the first two paragraphs of Chp 1 a little too melodramatic. In fact I started to giggle, I wasn't sure whether it was supposed to be some sort of spoof! And again later on when you explain how Jimmy didn't have any toys, it felt a little over the top, and I thought you were trying to be funny. So, I think what I'm trying to say is that the tone wasn't always clear.

But apart from that, there's lots to like here. Intrigue, great characters, good writing. Keep it up!!
Please take a look at mine when you get the chance.
All the best,
Sharda.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

An intriguing read. I like the idea of Jimmy's fate as a harbinger of doom. I'm curious to see how he fights to change such a binding fate that he probably wants no part of.
I like the parents, had a realistic feel to them and quite rare. Reminded me of the Dersleys in Harry Potter and worse cos they seem to be his real parents.
You have a patient style of writing, following the character closely through his experiences but I agree with one review that you sometimes tell more than show. Once you fix that, it'll be a cleaner read.
The mystery in the strange things happening around Jimmy served well to build up suspense and hook readers even more. Loved the bully. He seemed quite the terror.
Not related to your writing or story but putting 4 chapters on one page won't make people read more than they want to. It's actually a pain most times & speaks of a little laziness or desperation.

It needs more editing to make some sentences read better. Editing is a pain, never seems to end.
Highly stared and all the best to you. :)

Edwin - The First Oath.

Hi Rich,
I read the first two chapters as part of our reader swap. Very, very good. I like the way you build sympathy for Jimmy through his "lame" disinterested parents, particularly his slovenly mother, the class bully, Jimmy's terrible nightmares, and an aggressive and perhaps supernatural nature (crows, wasps, etc).
As a speaker of American English, I was uncertain about your use of "was sat" and I would be interested in what native English speakers think of this. I haven't seen any of them use this convention in the many manuscripts I've read on the site. Any grammatical choices that draw this kind of second-guessing from a reader, whether technically correct or not, should be reconsidered. The other thing that seemed peculiar was the following line: "Giving a breath of relief and continued on." Did you mean to say, "He breathed a sigh of relief and continued on"?
These are just questions and suggestions. Very good work. Highly starred.

Dean Lombardo

You contacted me about a read swap, and I finally found the time to start reading your book.
My over-all impression is that you have a great story here, but that it needs just a little more editing. I mean my comments in the most constructive manner possible—hoping they can help you make your story even better than it already is.
Chapter one:
Really dramatic start to the story, sure to draw the reader in.
“glided over the damp floor, slowly, silently.” I really don’t think you need the “slowly, silently.” “Glided” is a very strong verb and paints the picture of something moving slowly and silently (I think it would be hard to glide noisily) without having to spell that out.
“Returning his attention to the grand mirror” doesn’t seem to be needed. In the sentence right before this he was admiring the mirror and you never show the Gatekeeper looking away from it.
“long vile, thunderous laugh” this sounds a little melodramatic and is quite the string of adjectives.
“unearthly prison” I didn’t know the scene took place in prison. Sounded a little more like a canyon of some sort…Maybe give a little more detail about the setting?
“Did this really matter to him? Not really, he didn’t know any better. This was all he knew.” If it didn’t bother him, then why is he looking longingly out the window at his friends playing and later on wishing things could change? A discontented character is more interesting than one who sees no reason to change the status quo.
“nasty looking” should be “nasty-looking”
“an uneasy feeling began growing within him that these black clouds were always in the same place.” What? The clouds are always in the same place? Then wouldn’t he be used to them? Or are they just not moving during the time he’s looking out the window? It’s not clear.
I love how you describe the living room as “feet mixed with greasy food.” Great description.
“oversized slimy mother” should have a comma after “oversized” and “large sized” should be “large-sized.” I hate to say this, but your description of Jimmy’s mother made me a little uneasy; it sounded a little harsh, almost derogatory. I think you can describe what she’s doing: eating the greasy food before the TV, and that was well-done; Jimmy seems like a sweet kid who wants his mother to pay attention to him and love him, not someone who would think of her as his “oversized slimy mother.” Just something to possibly consider.
“Don’t talk to me. See your father, I don’t care, I’m busy!”. You’ve got a period dangling at the end of the sentence, outside the quotation. This seems a bit much. Maybe just: “I’m busy! See your father.”
“Didn’t I get you that Lemotrix toy” I thought he couldn’t have toys?
I noticed a lot of your dialogue has the punctuation outside the quotation marks. Probably needs fixed.
“solemn, empty little grey room” a very long string of adjectives.
“bone dry” should be “bone-dry”
I like how you describe the smell as oozing into his nostrils. You do a great job describing odors!
“bodies strewn across the earth.” I think you’re missing a verb. Maybe: “bodies were strewn across the earth.”
I like that the bodies are all faceless. Very original!
“Jimmy ducked looking over his shoulder” should have a comma after “ducked” but I could really picture him doing that.
I think you need a semi-colon after “male”
“final, blow” doesn’t need a comma after “final”
“poked his head around the door,” should have a semi-colon after it, not a comma.
Excellent description of the sound slippers make: “patted.” I haven’t read that one before.
This chapter has a lot of action and mystery to it, and it’s impossible to not feel sympathy for Jimmy; he makes a great character.
I hope my comments don’t seem to negative or overwhelming—I really like the story so far. Best of luck with it.

***
Hi Rich,
Thanks so much for pointing me towards your book; it has been a delight to read so far! You build up the tension excellently from the very beginning, and I love the dream to foreshadow future events and hold the reader in suspense….. as you can maybe guess from my work, dreams are exactly the kind of things I love and I use them often!!
This shows real promise, I’ll be keeping a close eye on it.

So now I’ve just made a bit of a detailed commentary on the first few chapters… feel free to take or leave any advice, I just hope some of my ideas will be useful! Apologies in advance if my commentary develops a blunt tone… just trying to be precise and practical : ) Before I begin with the actual writing – in your pitch, I just noticed, do you mean to say Bunsen burner (instead of bonson – I notice you spell it correctly later in chapter 2, so just a little typo)? Also, capitalize Bunsen because it is the name of the guy who invented it, but that’s just something small.

Hey, you contacted me and I thought I’d give you a read. This isn’t my normal genre, but it seems like it has promise and has a good concept.

Chapter One;
Good beginning. It really sets up some suspense.
“The Gatekeeper surveyed the poorly populated close of Mountbatten with hungry eyes and an evil laugh.”
Is the “evil” really needed?

Nice jump to Jimmy after the scene with the Gatekeeper.

“Margarie Threepwood turned her head, slowly peeling it away from the back of the armchair.”
I love this description! The idea of peeling her head off the chair, it’s great.

The Dialog:
““Don’t talk to me. See your father, I don’t care, I’m busy!”” seems a bit unnatural to me, just because if someone really wants you to leave them alone it’d just be, “See your father!”

“The burnt smell was still on his pyjama top, the black stoot was still on his fingers but he was safe.”
I really like this description here, but I think there should be a comma after the “but”.

Chapter Two:
Good job introducing Spike before the scene at the football game.

“Little did Jimmy know that his week was going to go from bad to worse and then to strange.”
I found this an odd way of putting it to. To me it seemed his week started out strange, then went the other way.

Chapter three:
“Great, no one tackles him; he won’t pass, wonderful, this game is ruined thought Jimmy.” I thought you did a great job getting into Jimmy’s mind here. It’s a great little sentence.

Chapter Four:
A good chapter that propelled the story forward.

I felt that Jimmy’s father came out with the news a little too quickly when Jimmy asked him what was going on.

Also, dialog tags should be on the same line as the dialog.
For example, towards the end of chapter four:
“Jimmy’s dad stepped in,
“You’ll be ok Jimmy, they would have not done all this to just harm you,”

Should be arranged like: “Jimmy’s dad stepped, “You’ll be ok Jimmy, they would have not done all this just to harm you,”
And I think the comma should be a period, but I’m not sure, you might want to look that up.

Over all, good story with an interesting concept. I found the dialog to be a bit lack luster and stiff, but the descriptions to be really amazing.
I like the pace of this story as well. Good luck with it!

My niece started reading this last night, on my behalf (I told her that if she liked it, I would read it) and she really enjoyed it. I read the first three chapters this morning and, though it's not really my cuppa, I starred it and backed t because my niece liked it so much. She's fourteen btw.

I wish you all the best with this.

K J

To be teachery I think there are quite a lot of grammar and punctuation things needing sorting but actually, who cares? The story whizzes breathlessly along and I think kids will love it. It has an intantly likeable hero and a start in the real world before it takes off in a totally original direction. I don't think I've ever read a children's book where the mother is the villain. It makes an interesting change. Very original. I've added Jimmy to my watchlist. Love the cover too.

Hi Rich

I've just tried to put Jimmy Threepwood on my bookshelf.
The problem is that I have some sort of gremlin on my laptop (little swines). This is stopping me from having full control over my bookshelf and watchlist. Anyway, I'll rectify this by using my other comp. One way or another you will be on my boookshelf asap.

I don't comment on such things as comma's and the length of chapters. That's an editors job. All I'm interested in is, would I buy and read this book? Simple question, simple answer...course I would.

Keep up the good work.

Regards

RB Ray

Rich,

I read autho chapter 1 up to your chapter 4. I think you have a great hook just in the first paragraph of your story. I feel so sorry for little Jimmy. You are great at building tension throughout your chapters. I have a few comments on things that I spotted.

Chapter 1: I would put some kind of demarcation between when then Gatekeeper speaks and when it switches to Jimmy Threepwood. Maybe and underline or asterisks. It is kind of jarring.

The line "he fogs up the window he was gazing out of" -- is a little awkward maybe try ending it without a preposition.

Chapter 2: Potts was right, there was no clouds? It was a beautiful day? -- Should those end in a question mark?

The paragraph talking about Spike. I think you use the name Spike too much. Try substituting a "he" in there.

Chapter 3: Jimmy and Spikes lives. Put an apostrophe at Spike's.

----

Don't take my crits as being negative. I do like it and I thought you were very descriptive and really draw the reader in. Good job.

Rich,

I read through CH02 (your chapter 8). Firstly, Threepwood. Makes me think of the infamous Guybrush, monkey heads and the treasure of ‘big whoop’ (I probably shouldn’t write these things out loud). Anyway, as I was saying; Jimmy has a super cool name!

A really enjoyable and well constructed story, very descriptive when it matters (i.e. doesn’t weigh the reader down unnecessarily) and moves quickly, keeping interest and providing an easy read. It has great comedy value, well thought out cleverness, and is also very dark in places. For example; the teacher and the nurse (LOL), the Gatekeeper’s entrance into jimmy’s house (loved that), and the powers... Ahhh the powers - so visual and beautifully destructive. On an even battlefield with this lot verses a wizard boy and his mates, I don’t think there would be any contest. And I imagine—once the dust settled—Jimmy and crew would claim the sentient eyebrows of said wizard boy with Sellotape.

A few of my favourite bits: Percy and the ring – ‘...gave it to him, put a bow on it, and hid the loss himself’ - very clever. The black diamond vortex at the start of chapter 8. And “It’s coming, the darkness is coming!” – which is a great hook, and runs throughout.

Crit wise - I’d pop your chapters in individual autho chapters if you can. I think lengthy (autho) chapters can sometimes be a little daunting to online readers (equates to a long time spent focusing on the screen without a ‘page turn’). But remember that’s just my opinion. I did notice a few other things, but didn’t note them as I was engrossed in the story. Not typos as such, more sentence structure niggles; and they certainly didn’t ‘pull’ me out of the read. My email contact’s on my profile page; drop me a note if you’d like me to go through again and detail them.

In summary; I very much enjoyed the read. The premise and story are great and I think well pitched for the younger audience (these are the most important aspects because editors couldn’t help with them). There are, as I said, a few little niggles to iron out; and weeee tidy of the MS would make it outstanding. Have rated high and WL’d.

Best wishes for the ED,
J.

Looks interesting, in the list.

You have quite the imagination and what a great storyteller. This couldn't be any farther from my normal genre yet you had me hooked right from the start. I loved the way you described your characters--the story was funny and made me laugh often. I added a few things I noticed. I hope that is okay. They are just a few minor things you may or may not want to change. But for the most part your story is really good, you are a very talented writer, and I give you 6 stars. Lacy
(In your long pitch, I think there should be a comma after Tyranacus, or maybe not after Beast?? Maybe look at that)
Right after your second paragraph, maybe put a break line to separate it from the third, since it starts a new thought.
With us locked in that room--there is a comma I don't think needs to be there.
It was sat staring at him though--the sat should be removed. Though should be through. Maybe gave a squawk in victory should be squawking in victory.

We do need more of these books for boys (and girls) so keep up the good work. Edit all that is pointed out to you and rewrite anything you're not happy with. There is a huge market out there if you can hit the right spot.
Jimmy is, what eleven year olds would love to be. Good luck with it.
Pollyanna. 'Marsupeople.'

Very engaging idea. To be quite honest, though, I have no idea whether the style would appeal to your target age group as children's fiction is not my area at all. I think you need to look at your use of adjectives and modifiers as you tend to keep using the same ones. I wonder if you introduce too much in the first few paragraphs. Perhaps you could review how many characters and how much information you introduce right at the start. I would prefer the information to be revealed by discovery rather than told by you, the author. And I'm not sure whether introducing the Gatekeeper right at the start is so effective as building suspense about him first and introducing him later. Just a few thoughts. Best of luck.

HI Jimmy,

It won't be long now before I finish David Ware's book "A True Thug Willsin", and it is AWESOME! You should give it a try when you get the time. As soon as i've finished I will dive straight on to yours, and give it a rating. Hope you have a great day.

Take care,
Phil P.

I have read up to chapter five and enjoyed it a lot. The story draws you in and keeps your attention. Good characterisation and imaginitve story telling.
Overall, I think this story has great potential. Some more editing required in parts and I list a couple of things below:

Chapter 2:
Sir, Sir, quick Jimmy's on fire!" frantically hollered Will as... (..." Will hollered frantically as....)

Chapter 3
Once he and Will ate their food they decided to... (Once he and Will had eaten their food they...)

Chapter 4
Jimmy's gaze was averted from the sinister looking goblin by movement under the clock of the hellish figure (..under the cloak...)

An enjoyable read!

I have read up to chapter five and enjoyed it a lot. The story draws you in and keeps your attention. Good characterisation and imaginitve story telling.
Overall, I think this story has great potential. Some more editing required in parts and I list a couple of things below:

Chapter 2:
Sir, Sir, quick Jimmy's on fire!" frantically hollered Will as... (..." Will hollered frantically as....)

Chapter 3
Once he and Will ate their food they decided to... (Once he and Will had eaten their food they...)

Chapter 4
Jimmy's gaze was averted from the sinister looking goblin by movement under the clock of the hellish figure (..under the cloak...)

An enjoyable read!

I finally got around to doing our book swap.

Really liked your pitch. I sensed a well thought-out plot. It also drew me in. I wanted to read and find out how Jimmy's and the Bully's lives are changed forever.

I thought your description and character structure in chapter 1 were great. I liked how you let the readers know that Jimmy's smile got him out of trouble, suggesting that he is mischievous.

I would say be careful of repeating words such as gritty/gritty, sound/soundlessly, bucket/bucket close to one another. Also sky blue should be sky-blue. These are just a few comments you can take them or leave them.

I will continue to read the rest of your uploaded chapters- I think you're really on to something here - Best of luck!

Kirsty Louise - Flittergrace Enchantment

Yarg review.
Good start on chapter one, but I would think of changing the words soundlessly and what sounded. Two sound words, jarred a little.
Love the imagery, its macabre and dark, just what kids like.
Strong main characters, (I love the ginger hair, we need more ginger heroes)
You have an impressive knowledge of the written word and you use your skills well.
You jump straight into the action and this commands the reader attention.
Dialogue is crisp and well placed.
I agree with a few things previously stated before.
Overall, I think this story shows a lot of promise and the plot and characters are great.
Well done.

YARG review
Rich,
Good dramatic opening. Look at that second sentence though, it’s funny grammatically.
I like the transition from the demonic laughter to ‘How boring!’

You need to do something about your punctuation, it’s a bit sketchy, and prune out a few adverbs, especially the quicklys. It’s always better to find a more appropriate verb.

You introduce a host of strange characters, starting with Jimmy’s mother. I’d hesitate to describe her in exactly the same place with the same piece of fried chicken when he comes home from school though – it’s pushing the joke to its limit. You make the reader curious about the teacher who always wears a brown raincoat, the oversize nurse, Spike the bully. Maybe you could flesh them out a bit more, to have them take part more in the story.

The idea of the boy hero being abducted by a monster is one that kids will love. The twist is that it’s Jimmy’s own mother who has arranged it and his father who has connived with her for eleven years. I think you could beef up Jimmy’s feelings at this point. It must have been bit of a blow, even if his parents had never shown him much affection.

This story has lots of potential, and a savage attack with a pruning knife. Clean it up and you’ll have something really appealing to younger kids.
Good luck with this.
Jane

Thanks :-) HAHA was taken out over a week ago. Im not sure about the CAPS for the opening and previously I have been told to remove italics for speech....

After reading your first few chapters, I think you've made a promising start. I'll read on when I get a chance to see where the story goes.

Just a few things that would improve the story for me:
Firstly, I don't think your capitalisation of the Gatekeeper's dialogue and for loud speech looks right. I would advise that you try italicising it instead to provide emphasis.
Secondly, it doesn't sit right with me when you write 'Ha ha' to indicate laughter. I would much rather you describe the laughter instead. This would look better, and give us a better understanding of the emotions at play (there are many different kinds of laughter).

All in all though, a great start. Best of luck.

David Southam
Author of The Keeper of the Sightless Eye

Well, I've read the first few Chapters, and I like the story. I do feel that there is some polishing that could be done to tidy up the dialogue and descriptions, but it's a great start. As I have just noticed was said in the comment below me :P

Dave
The Chemo Diaries

After reading your first few chapters, I think you've made a promising start. I'll read on when I get a chance to see where the story goes.

Just a few things that would improve the story for me:
Firstly, I don't think your capitalisation of the Gatekeeper's dialogue and for loud speech looks right. I would advise that you try italicising it instead to provide emphasis.
Secondly, it doesn't sit right with me when you write 'Ha ha' to indicate laughter. I would much rather you describe the laughter instead. This would look better, and give us a better understanding of the emotions at play (there are many different kinds of laughter).

All in all though, a great start. Best of luck.

David Southam
Author of The Keeper of the Sightless Eye

Thank you all for the help, I have updated and it should be correct now :-)

I have read your first three chapters and very much enjoyed. While I would agree with some of the previous comments regarding repeated words, spelling and grammar niggles, chapter uploads etc, I thought the descriptions and characters were vivid and the dialogue believable and natural. For me, I loved the first chapter., felt the second chapter moved a bit too slowly - over describing of events not directly related to moving the action on - and the third chapter was very good. Especially enjoyed the incident at the football match. Made me want to read on. Happily backed!

I have read your first three chapters and very much enjoyed. While I would agree with some of the previous comments regarding repeated words, spelling and grammar niggles, chapter uploads etc, I thought the descriptions and characters were vivid and the dialogue believable and natural. For me, I loved the first chapter., felt the second chapter moved a bit too slowly - over describing of events not directly related to moving the action on - and the third chapter was very good. Especially enjoyed the incident at the football match. Made me want to read on. Happily backed!

YARG Review:

Hi Rich, I've finally got around to reading the first few chapters of your book (as promised, sorry it's taken me a while). Considering the number of comments below, I can really only echo what others have already stated. I think it would be sensible to upload each chapter separately. It might seem like a pain, but you clearly want your book to look (and read) like a book. It doesn't matter if the chapter's are relatively short.

There is some repetition here and there; I know it's difficult to avoid but I always used to make use of a huge Universal Oxford Dictionary. You can also find several (free) online dictionaries. These will help to broaden your word choice. I didn't like the use of 'reflexively' - it'd make more sense to replace it with 'instinctively'.

You have a great beginning and very strong description. In some instances I thought perhaps there's too much description and not enough dialogue. I would like there to be a bit more of a connection between Jimmy and his parents. The scene on the football field (with Spike) is awesome, although you might want to think about building it up . . . I thought they'd have a BIG confrontation and then, suddenly it was over!

The accident in the chemistry lab could be approached a little differently. You give plenty of detail about what's happened with very little fallout. By fallout I mean reaction - Will going something like "Sir, Sir, help quick. Jimmy's caught fire!" Anything which will give your character's a hint of expression.

I also noticed a couple of awkward sentences, perhaps write: Whilst looking beyond, towards the council estate, there was a bump on the window. One which startled Jimmy.

I think this has plenty of promise :) As always, if my comments aren't any use, feel free to assume I'm writing gibberish. I really like the idea, have you read I Am Number Four? I'm not sure about the 'beast' - what form will it take etc - but I've not read that far so I'll reserve judgment.

Starred and backed,

Ben (The Frogness of Being)

Hey Rich,

I read through chapters 1 to 4 and found your story intriguing. Though they are short, couldn't hurt to separate the chapters.

You were correct, I am fan of Harry Potter and this book fits well into the magical fantasy genre.

My only suggestions I can offer to slightly vamp it up is where you have the dialogue.
For example:

*Margarie Theepwood turned her head, slowly peeling it from the back of the armchair, scrunched her face in a disapproving look, and said through gritted teeth,

“Don’t talk to me, see your father, I don’t care, I’m busy!”*

(Great description by the way, found the mother revolting.)

In most books the dialogue is on the same paragraph, that way it looks slightly tidier.
Example:

*Margarie Theepwood turned her head, slowly peeling it from the back of the arm chair, scrunched her face in a disapproving look, and said through gritted teeth, “Don’t talk to me, see your father. I don’t care, I’m busy!”*

Another example:

*Shoving his elbow into the boy next to him,

“Pots, Pots, look at that dark could over there. That’s odd isn’t it?”*

This looks lightly tidier:

*Shoving his elbow into the boy next to him, “Pots, Pots, look at that dark could over there. That’s odd isn’t it?”*

I’m not excellent at punctuation and spelling errors, though there were a few overused ? in places I don’t think they’re needed.

All in all, I enjoyed it and will rate well. I hope this helps.

Kind Regards
Lilly.

Dear Rich

I have read the best part of your two first uploads, to chapter eight. It might help you, if you uploaded your chapters separately. It does not matter if they are short. That will also help your readers.

You have a great story here, with an interesting premise. I love your book cover and your long pitch. Very likely to interest your target audience.

You use vivid language, and particularly in the opening sections, I felt your confidence and ease with your descriptions. Your enthusiasm is clear, and you use some great imagery and turns of phrase.

As your narrative continued, I noticed a few repetitions creeping in, for example,"gaining a clear view it was clear". Get your thesaurus out and look up some different words. We all have to do it! Give your MS a comb for spelling nits and punctuation.

You can also work to reduce such phrases as "due to the sheer magnetism of what the lad had seen" which is the narrator telling us something. Can you show the boy instead, being overwhelmed? Your descriptive powers are good, though I feel that you shy away from them sometimes. Just plunge in! :)

I have a slight problem, not with not your storytelling, but its premise. As I understand it, the human race is destroying the earth, and the guardians of old realised they would, and built in a safety mechanism...so far so good.

But as I understand it, in your story, the mechanism is that the earth shall be reduced to rubble and utterly destroyed every two thousand years. Which is what the human race is busy doing anyway. Just let them get on with it! LOL.

Why not say instead, that it has been decreed that humans, due to their inability to control their destructive urges, will be destroyed every two thousand years? That would be entirely plausible, and is the theory that already supports such myths as the disappearance of Atlantis.... and the myth that we are all descended from Eve at the end of the last ice age, when humans did end up in a bottle neck facing extinction.

I wish you very well with your writing. You have an entertaining style and lots of ideas.

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :)

This book deserves the 5 stars I gave, this old man is still young at heart, and the younger people will like the quite fast pace, with plenty of action and power fantasy, well written, but perhaps some more editing saw the odd spelling but no problem easy sorted.

Portraits Of A Small Peasant.

Hi Jimmy,
I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth.
Oh, and I know I still owe you a cover. It’s coming!
I really like your short pitch, but a more elaborate explanation of this gatekeeper might be in order. Something like “a hellish creature” or something might be better since we can’t possibly know at this point what the gatekeeper is or what the gate is to.
In your long pitch, first sentence, add a comma after “ago”
That first sentence is four lines long. Might consider breaking it up.
Unless you’re referencing him in the pitch again, don’t use the name Tyranacus. The goal of the pitch is to simply lure the reader into opening the book. These kinds of details are unnecessary and distracting here. Save it for the novel itself.
You spell 11th numerically in the SP, but spell it out as eleventh in the long pitch. Be consistent.
I love your premise, but I think the pitch could be tightened. It currently reads more like a synopsis. Maybe whittle out some of the unneeded details and back story.
Chapter 1
Love the first-line pitch, but the word “glided” doesn’t go well with “along.” Along implies that it’s touching the floor, whereas “glided” implies it’s not touching. “Over” might be a better word.
Change “the bony remains of a finger” to “his” for clarity
To be honest, not sure I’m digging the all caps there. It’s up to you. I’ve seen it done effectively. That said, I would delete “HAHAHAHA.” It’s cheesy, and rarely do people actually say “Ha” when they laugh. Instead, you might describe the gatekeeper’s laughter.
Delete “very”
Ellipses are generally three dots, not five. Though, I’d consider omitting them whenever possible. Publishers are typically not fans and they tend to be overused anyway. Same goes for emdashes and semicolons.
This is a strong start. You have a knack for building drama and suspense and there’s some excellent imagery. I would like to see the imagery amped up a bit, especially as it connects to the dialogue. Remember, communication is in more than what characters say. Gestures and expressions are also important.
Good stuff and I look forward to seeing how this progresses. I will get to work on your cover as soon as I can. Thanks for your patience!

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Hi Rich,
Just finished the first two chapters and must say I'm quite excited to read more. I read many of the comments below and saw that they have already addressed some of the issues so I won't harp on them. Minus the few very minor grammatical problems the story moves along at a really nice pace, the protagonist is exceptionally endearing and the reader immediately bonds with him through sympathy. I really enjoyed all of the character names, very original and catchy. The storyline is very catching and I feel as though, once tightened up a bit, this would really be a book that kids would love to read. Great, great job and again, really looking forward to reading more!

Cheers,
Bre
Memoria

I really enjoyed reading the first few chapters of Jimmy Threepwood. I feel that your story has a great pace, and will definitely appeal to children.

I have a few suggestions for tightening up your prose. As a reader, sometimes I felt as though you could make some of your descriptions more nuanced, allowing the action to unfold without pre-empting it. I’ve highlighted a couple of examples here.

What I would think about is taking your first couple of chapters, and focus on each paragraph. See where you can strip out any words or phrases that the reader doesn’t really need in order to understand what is happening.

For example, I love the scene where the crow appears. However, you write that the ‘clearly unusual’ crow is ‘almost waiting’ for Jimmy. For me, it somewhat ruined the element of surprise that you describe so well in the rest of the paragraph. I felt the reader, along with Jimmy, could instead realise that there is something unusual about the crow’s behaviour. So for example, it could read:

“One day as he was walking the usual two-mile trek to school, he saw a peculiar black crow standing in his path. Jimmy sidestepped and tried to walk around the bird, but to his surprise, the crow mirrored his actions and simply hopped in front of him. This continued for a moment or two, until Jimmy tried to shoo the bird away, but it refused to budge and uttered a challenging squawk instead.”

I really liked the paragraph when Jimmy then reaches school, wondering if the crows will still be there. Again, I felt some tightening of the prose might enhance it even further, e.g. I would lose “Confused by the surreal situation…” We already realise that Jimmy is confused and it is surreal. So I would consider e.g. this:

“Jimmy took a firm grip on his school bag and ran as fast as he could through the chanting birds.” (I’d lose valley, he’s on a street I think.)

“Reaching the entrance to the school, Jimmy pelted through the school gates and slammed them behind him.” (I don’t think you need them to be both ‘giant’ and ‘steel’, and you have already used ‘grab’ in the previous sentence – you then use ‘steel bars’.)

“Looking back through the steel bars, he could see the fat little crow positioned on the path.” (Excellent, but beware of repeating ‘Jimmy’ too often.)

“He felt a chill of worry, wondering whether this nemesis was going to wait for him all day.” (I felt that the chill was enough, without it rushing through his body. I’d then add a full stop/period and start a new sentence.)

“Then the school bell rang and with relief, Jimmy ran through the school door, leaving the strange crow staring after him.”

So the paragraph would read something like this:

“Jimmy took a firm grip on his school bag and ran as fast as he could through the chanting birds. Reaching the entrance to the school, he pelted through the school gates and slammed them behind him. Looking back through the steel bars, Jimmy could see the fat little crow positioned on the path. He felt a chill of worry, wondering whether this nemesis was going to wait for him all day. Then the school bell rang and with relief, Jimmy ran through the school door, leaving the strange crow staring after him.”

Another example that relates to letting the imagery unfold, I would consider not using ‘maniacal’ to describe the crow. We already know it’s unusual, menacing, and very un-crow-like. I would simply say “It sat on a tree with five others, gazing directly at him.” (I think the crows are brilliant and quite ominous enough without them laughing and mocking”. But you could use the word ‘mocking’ later on to describe the crow).

Anyway, as I say – a great story line so far and plenty of intrigue to draw the reader in. I’m only sorry I don’t have time to read more. I like the pace, just right for the style of book aimed at a younger audience.

Thanks, Holly
THE MAD FAUN

Hi Rich, I've read the first seven chapters of this. Poor Jimmy with no toys! I like the idea of the pact his mother made and the reason for Jimmy's neglect, and I like some of your characters, particularly the chemistry teacher. I'm glad he returns later. I also like the idea of the children morphing into their inner creatures and I'm interested to see where this takes them. I like the mystery in the first chapter; it certainly made me wonder where Jimmy fits in.
You have a few errors with grammar, and you sometimes pick the wrong word (like reflectively where I think you mean reflexively and lightening where you mean lightning). Also, you have some question marks after indirect questions and you sometimes write 'your' where you mean 'you're', for example "I think your in the wrong place." I've noticed you muddle your tenses sometimes too, particularly using 'stood' and 'sat' when you mean 'standing' and 'sitting', for example, when you are explaining about the crows outside Jimmy's window.
This is an imaginative, fun read and I think the main idea of a neglected boy coming into his power is good and it would appeal to young readers, perhaps especially boys.
Thank you for the read swap and good luck with young Jimmy Threepwood.
Lucy Middlemass
Jinger Barley and The Murkle Moon

Hi, Rich just finished reading your first chapter. You followed the fundamental creative writing rule of starting your story when everything is different. Already, your reader can sense that things are about to change for Jimmy. His sudden dreams, and his parents' mysterious awareness of them, may serve as the hook needed to draw your reader in. I was a little confused with the opening. Maybe I just missed something, but there was the description, then Jimmy saying that the scene was boring, and I wasn't sure if he was seeing this as a mental image, or if he was reading about your opening or what. Like I said, perhaps I missed it. Also, this style might be overly wordy for your target audience. I would recommend checking out some middle grade level books, and comparing styles. You might want to consider making your "voice" more kid friendly. Thanks for contacting me and good luck with this!
Jonie - Leave Me Asking

I love the way your book is written. It flows well and is very descriptive.
I know readers will be drawn in right away and want to read more. I
will back your book and give you 5 stars.

T.L. Doutrich
Lilly and Thomas, Throne of Pidl

Hi Rich, return read as promised. I read the first few chapters and I think you have the makings of a great story here. There are some good descriptions and you have some wonderful characters to draw on. I think the pace is good, dialogue is authentic, just a bit of editing to iron out the typos and little grammatical errors - but we all have those! Good job. I can see this really appealing to the YA market. Highly starred.

All the best
Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

Good effort, i wanted to feel more connected to Jimmy, story idea is good, major good descriptions.

Franklyn B

Great story line and powerful descriptions. You've created some colourful characters too, eg Freddy Tuft, the chemistry teacher. At times you also surprise the reader: I did not expect Jimmy to refer to his mother having 'the foul smell of feet mixed with greasy food'. You write from a unique perspective and have a clear writer's voice. Good luck. Maria (Georgina's Family)

YARG review!
Hi Rich,
I just read chapter one. Short read, I know, and I'm sorry about that! FIrst biggest problem I had with this was the dialogue in italics. Not sure why you did it that way, but I'd suggest changing that. It makes it harder to read. Also, you do lots of telling, but not much showing. Show us how Jimmy stays inside all the time, hint at the bareness of his bedroom, drops key words here and there to make us realize all is not as it seems for Jimmy. At first, when I read this, I thought Jimmy was abused by his parents. If they want to protect him so much that they keep him hidden, then the dialogue and interaction between Jimmy and his parents should be warmer. Show us that they love him.
Some more work on this, and it could have great potential. Good luck with this!
Noelle J. Alabaster

Ok, that’s get some minor points out the way first. I would consider spacing out your chapters more, a minor point. The other minor points, I have listed below.

‘Jimmy was pulled his eyes as tight as possible’

‘he closed his eyelids tightly as he heard the squeaking of the fifth, tenth and top step, as someone climbed the stairs’

‘Bill Threepwood poked his head through the door, catching his glasses on the door frame as he did’

‘His Dad poked his head around the door, catching his glasses on the doorframe as he did’

These points can easily be cleared up during the editing phase.

Now for the good part, the concept and imagery of this story are both imaginative and clever! The thought of Jimmy waking up to find out his own mother is keeping him locked away in his room, stripping him of his childhood, I found a little disturbing but a key element of the story which is explained later. This story is both intriguing and captivating.

I have given your book a 4 star rating for now, based on it’s potential to grow and improve. This really could be outstanding.

Well done!

Hi Rich,

I just read the first two chapters, and made notes throughout so I could keep track of what I wanted to tell you. First, I'd like to point out that the story line is great and I loved how the story started. However, there were a lot of things I noticed through the story.

This seems small, but you use Jimmy's name a bit much. In some paragraphs, it was like almost every sentence started with his name, and considering this happened when he was the only person present, it weighed down the story a lot.

Also, I don't understand why the dialogue is done in italics, as again, it feels like it's weighing down the story. I don't know if this makes any sense, but , I don’t want to see your words, I want to see the picture your words are painting in my head, and it’s hard to do when the use of italics force me back onto the page.

There were a lot of issues with grammar and punctuation, I can't lie. For instance, on several occasions, I saw you wrote things like "He was stood" or something similar when it should be "He stood" or "He was standing." It's something you need to watch, when to use a word in past tense, or the gerund (the -ing tense).

You had really good description, and I liked a lot of this story. If you fix the flaws, this could be a really great piece of storytelling.

Aww… no toys?!!

I became attached to Jimmy immediately. Even his surname, Threepwood appealed to me. (Is the 'p' pence? 3-penny wood? Such questions linger in the idle mind.)

Jimmy became my hero when he jumped on Spike. Grrr, I despise bullies but love the story fully backed!

brilliant start to this novel. starting with jimmy's humble surroundings is a great idea works well...
on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

I've only managed to read the first chapter so far but I couldn't wait to comment on this! This is the perfect Children's/Young Adult novel, very reminiscent to Harry Potter. Your storytelling abilities are undeniable with flawless dialogue and vivid descriptions. I feel bad for Jimmy at first, he sounds like a very neglected eleven year old but he still manages to stay positive. This is going to flying up the charts in no time!

Six stars!
Best of luck :)

A great read, with a strong and interesting story.
I think the story is the most important part of the book.
This shows you are a natural storyteller.
Your language is good and the story flows.
Enjoyed what I read and will recommend to others.
Well done.

The flavor of your tale is reminiscent of Harry Potter books, or Susan Cooper's The Dark is Rising, so I think the general thrust has good potential. I do agree with most of the previous comments listed below though. You have lots of run on sentences, with commas in them, like this one, which just goes on and on, and should be broken up with periods instead. It would make the sentences stronger, and be easier for the reader to absorb. If grammar is a challenge for you, fear not, it gets better with time and practice. If this leaves you in the dark, feel free to email me the first chapter and I'll mark it up with suggestions. Keep writing!
Tod Schneider
The Lost Wink

Rich you have a good ideal for a story , but you need much more description and details in your dialogue. You need to put some excitement into this if your trying to reach a childrens audience. Do yourself a favor and slowly read over what you have , paying close attention to grammar, and punchuations. Do not get discouraged by the helpful but sometime harse comments you receive on here. We all all here to help make you a better book writer.