Tower Of Paradise

Marisa,

I read your first chapter - prologue.

Stunning. Wonderful bleak descriptions of the tower, sketchy ideas of a beautiful world below and powerfully written.

Your narrative flows superbly, is perfectly paced and keeps the reader on the edge of their seats as they strain to find ot what happens next, following the young couple down the maze of corridors, so close to freedom.

Wouldst that my shelf was not already full, but tomorrow I might have space!

I found the following:
It should be "lead" rather than "led" in "Ira claimed that this way would led to an opening"

An extra "only" makes this feel clunky "Even if I could only do this only once in my life..."

I would replace the second "inside me" in "The fizzing was starting to solidify once again inside me. It felt like acid was sloshing inside me..." to "...It felt like acid was sloshing around, trying hard to find itself and form a whole". Also, was that meant to be "whole" or "hole"?

Best regards
Warrick

I'm not a big fan of fantasy, Marisa, but I just read your 'prologue' and wow, this is one neat story. I really like the dark, brooding intensity of that "Mother" of all towers - reminds me of my short stay in a Malaysian prison(yes, really) I also like your central MC (what a great 'voice'!) and how she summons up the 'trick of the tribe' to break Ira out to freedom. What a pity she couldn't follow him, but if she had, where's your story? With just a little bit of editing (e.g. 'On the occasions when BABIES survived their first night...') this could be a stand-out favourite here on Authonomy. 6 stars from me, I love it and hope in the future I can shelf it.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

I really love this book. And it's not just because I want to support a fellow Cali girl.
The romance was unexpected but offered a sweet diversion from the gritty realism/ fantasy. This reminds me of Incarceron. Have you read that? Yours has it's own story and own style and will stand out on its own merit. You've got talent and I'm putting this book on my shelf! Can't wait til the cover uploads. =]

Hi Marisa,

Your depiction of life in the Tower is not only bleak, but so very frightening, Musha isn't the only one to rejoice when Ira turns up to rescue her in Chapter 5 - as your reader, I was more than relieved to get away too. The following chapter reads like a breath of fresh air! A very imaginative description of what it might be like to grow up in a prison - and then escape. I can imagine this as a film, and look forward to seeing how you develop this story over the space of a trilogy.

Happy writing and best wishes,

Annette

Title itself is powerful,

Regards,
Rian Torr
New London Masquerade

Hey Marisa,
So it's sort of obvious that you're a really talented writer. The world you set up is incredible and despite being fictionous, you set it up to be very believable. Your imagery is amazing! I can picture everything perfectly which is what every reader wants to accomplish when reading a novel. My favorite part though has to be Musha's voice, it's flawless, a great storyteller for sure. I'm officially jealous.

Six stars, good luck with this!

Marissa,

I love the concept of this story and you tell it extremely well. Your writing flows and immediately builds empathy for the protagonist.
The story is well imagined with sharp descriptions that draws the prison and the characters clearly.

Just a couple of editing points:

Prologue

...like the rest of the prisoner, trapping in a duty... (...prisoner, trapped in...)

Adulthood instead of adult hood

Chapter 2 (authon)

...could never stare at my reflection than longer than necessary... (reflection longer than necessary)

In the scene where they are burning the dead bodies, they wear masks, but she is able to see him mouth the word 'monster' at her.

...each with different degrees are wariness... (...degrees of wariness)

Overall, the story has a level of intensity that draws and hooks the reader.
Very well done, highly starred.

Best of luck
Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance

Marissa,

I love the concept of this story and you tell it extremely well. Your writing flows and immediately builds empathy for the protagonist.
The story is well imagined with sharp descriptions that draws the prison and the characters clearly.

Just a couple of editing points:

Prologue

...like the rest of the prisoner, trapping in a duty... (...prisoner, trapped in...)

Adulthood instead of adult hood

Chapter 2 (authon)

...could never stare at my reflection than longer than necessary... (reflection longer than necessary)

In the scene where they are burning the dead bodies, they wear masks, but she is able to see him mouth the word 'monster' at her.

...each with different degrees are wariness... (...degrees of wariness)

Overall, the story has a level of intensity that draws and hooks the reader.
Very well done, highly starred.

Best of luck
Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance

As promised, here's my review. I had time for the first chapter today and thought it flowed very well. It was easy to read, meaning that I didn't distinguish any flaws, like typos, structural problems. It was very good. I also liked your use of metaphor, the way in which you described the tower as the mother, which is appropriate considering the children imprisoned in there.

Musha was an interesting and nice character. I thought the supernatural powers she had was cool, and teenagers would love this fantasy element. I also liked Ira, and their escape. Well, his escape anyway and her capture. The tattooing, scarring makes Musha more interesting too and adds a gritty element to the story. Her labeling of dangerous was good, because although at the moment she doesn't appear dangerous, her display of supernatural power is a forewarning to what she will probably be like in the rest of the story. I presume her abilities will grow.

I'm interested to see how she will finally escape, and think Ira will be returning as more than a slip of a boy. The hero that girls like. Definitely promising.

All the best, Marita.

Dante Aligheri's "The Inferno" mixed with aspects of "Rita Hayworth And The Shawshank Redemption" by Stephen King really echo in your work. This is great writing and you capture humanistic qualities well. Bring a little more dialogue and this story is really going to sky rocket.

On a side note, if you could read some of my work, "The Devil Of Black Bayou" it would be appreciated. It brings the consequences of choice and love through the perspective of the creature.

Marisa this is great writing. It is reminiscent in some ways to Dante Aligheri's "The Inferno" and I can't help but feel Stephen King's influence here too. The angst, the confined feeling from being locked up, and the escape to a better place free of humiliation and pain are so well described. I'll continue to read on and back your book.

If you can find time, could you take a look at mine too. "The Devil Of Black Bayou" examines the elements of humanity through a tortured immortal character from New Orleans.

Hi Marisa,
The merits of prologues have been debated long and hard so I just wanted to ask you - are you sure it's necessary? Can you weave this backstory into the plot and start straight in with the action? (then again, i don't read much fantasy, and maybe prologues are the done thing in that genre?) In fact, personally i would rather not know why she's in the tower - it would keep me reading if I knew I was going to find that out.
Your first sentence is not as snappy as it could be - I'd suggest "I am no longer the girl I used to be (note the D), one that had been innocent and naive about the meaning of the word "prisoner".
A good piece of advice I've read is to read your book out loud and that helps you see if the book flows and if you have repetition - little things like in chapter 1, three paragraphs one after the other start with some kind of -ing word - i don't know if that's deliberate.
Hope some of that is helpful - if not feel free to ditch it, I'm an unpublished writer so there's a good chance I don't know what I'm talking about!

Hi Marisa,
I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth.
I like your short pitch, but frankly, your approach for the first couple lines of the long pitch is weak. Rather than beat around the bush about the tower being her prison, why not just say it? Plus, “a Tower” should always be lowercased, as you’re speaking in generic terms. In other words, it’s not a proper noun.
I would delete “the ironically named Tower of Paradise,” as it’s more information than you ought to give in the pitch. Keep it to the hooks and whittle out the nuances and backstory. Also, in this case, “ironically named” would be hyphenated.
“Musha knows that he will never come for her—or will he?” Which is it? The second negates the first and just frustrates the reader. Either she knows or doesn’t. If she thinks she knows, that’s different, but in a pitch, you need to hit the reader harder.
A strong premise, and clean writing, but I think this pitch could be tightened.
Prologue
A good strong. Strong opening line, but it gets overly wordy. For instance, “I was guilty, guilty of being the offspring…” is tedious. Just say “I was guilty of being the offspring.”
“made no sense” delete “to me”
“…my eyes were used to the grimy metal walls, the hot humid air from the furnace…” How are your eyes used to the heat of the furnace? This is odd.
Watch your tense changes. “What the prisoners referred to as Mother” is past tense. “…is a radical tower…” is present tense. It should be “was.” Also, “Mother” should be in quotations.
“Never once” is a contradiction in terms. “Never” is an absolute, while “once” is a singular moment. In other words, it’s redundant. All you really need to say is “Never had I seen…”
I read the remainder of the chapter for story content. You have a great start here. Love the premise and love the world you’ve created. A good narrative voice, and wonderful imagery of the tower. I do think the descriptions could be amped up a bit, but your writing is solid. My biggest suggestion is to clean this up. The writing is often excessively wordy, and the tenses inconsistent. If you can get the prose cleaned up, you could have something excellent here. A great start! I can see it doing very well on Authonomy.
Best of luck.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

I just finished the first two chapters and you sucked me in right away. Your imagery is fantastic and I love the way you described the tower as a deity to those that have spent their lives there. You’re dialogue is smooth and the way you end your chapters makes me want to read on and on. Thanks for the read. High stars on this one.

your basic writing skills are very good, but maybe better is your dialogue...goo book
backed...
read SEASONS...

Marisa,

I read your first chapter - prologue.

Stunning. Wonderful bleak descriptions of the tower, sketchy ideas of a beautiful world below and powerfully written.

Your narrative flows superbly, is perfectly paced and keeps the reader on the edge of their seats as they strain to find ot what happens next, following the young couple down the maze of corridors, so close to freedom.

Wouldst that my shelf was not already full, but tomorrow I might have space!

I found the following:
It should be "lead" rather than "led" in "Ira claimed that this way would led to an opening"

An extra "only" makes this feel clunky "Even if I could only do this only once in my life..."

I would replace the second "inside me" in "The fizzing was starting to solidify once again inside me. It felt like acid was sloshing inside me..." to "...It felt like acid was sloshing around, trying hard to find itself and form a whole". Also, was that meant to be "whole" or "hole"?

Best regards
Warrick

I'm not a big fan of fantasy, Marisa, but I just read your 'prologue' and wow, this is one neat story. I really like the dark, brooding intensity of that "Mother" of all towers - reminds me of my short stay in a Malaysian prison(yes, really) I also like your central MC (what a great 'voice'!) and how she summons up the 'trick of the tribe' to break Ira out to freedom. What a pity she couldn't follow him, but if she had, where's your story? With just a little bit of editing (e.g. 'On the occasions when BABIES survived their first night...') this could be a stand-out favourite here on Authonomy. 6 stars from me, I love it and hope in the future I can shelf it.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

What an interesting premise. Your character is quite vivid. I enjoyed reading a sample. Need to return for more.

@Emily,

Thank you for being my first comment. I'm glad that you find my piece interesting enough to put on your shelf, and that you see the the two extremes Musha is spilt between.

Cheers!

I really love this book. And it's not just because I want to support a fellow Cali girl.
The romance was unexpected but offered a sweet diversion from the gritty realism/ fantasy. This reminds me of Incarceron. Have you read that? Yours has it's own story and own style and will stand out on its own merit. You've got talent and I'm putting this book on my shelf! Can't wait til the cover uploads. =]