Drowning Lessons

There is some fantastic writing here - like the car being lifted out of the water compared to the parting of the Red Sea and the curtain opening on The Price is Right. I loved that.
It's clear from the outset (as well as the pitch) that Charlie is a great character, complex, challenging, not necessarily lovable always, but someone I would want to follow and get to know.
That said, I had a hard time keeping the place in this opening. After the estate agent, she jumps to being in the school and then back talking about hot tubs with the estate agent. As a reader I felt I was being asked to work too hard. I'm not sure if she's a photographer, a musician, a teacher or all three.
But the potential here is immense.
Best,
Kate
The Licenser

The beginning was excellent - straight to the point. The rest of the Chapter I have trouble being in Charlies' mind. The trouble is not GETTING into her mind, but BEING in her mind. I imagine your intention here is to give the reader the feeling of frustration and confusion that Charlie lives in her own life. Difficult for me to read though. I think what I am saying is - that I like Charlies story but I am uncomfortable reading it through Charlie's mind. That being said - your writing is excellent!

DROWNING LESSONS
This is an intriguing story. Because you have such a great character in Charlie. She’s likable because she has such definite opinions on things; she sympathetic because of her memory lapses. A reader can feel the frustration that must cause her. Beginning this with the police lifting an old car out of a lake not only creates a suspenseful beginning but it an effective way to fill in back story. Overall, a good read, I’m starring this highly and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hi Lisa

I was simply bowled over by this. At times it felt as though I was nailed down and being staple gunned by your prose which was sharp , beautifully crafted and highly original. The story itself was intriguing and not at all an easy one to call since you have a brilliant knack of weaving the ordinary moments of life with a tinge of darkness and menace with out ever being cliched or obvious about it. Charlie is a perfect mix of all of the qualities that make for great characters and it is never clear where we are going with her, always a good sign at this stage of the proceedings. This is classic writing and something to be treasured.
ps
i always laugh at some of the crits on here, like the one below who delights in giving you a grammar lesson and suggestions about breaking stuff up and who got a bit lost! you have obviously worked hard on this where on earth do you find the time! Incidentally I need a bit more weather in there just to galvanise the locations and evoke the memories.Always good for colour and emotion -my only nag.

Ciao and best wishes


Richardx

A well written story.
Backed.
Hope you'll read ch 2 of mine. I can use some feedback.
.

The premise of this book interests me greatly.

I finished all you have up and you have a very unique style that reflects the main characters stare of mind well. At times it did get me a bit lost but that may well be an aid to getting into the main characters head. If you want to use this as a technique it may pay to somehow make it clear that this is the case so that the reader doesn’t get frustrated and is content to wait for things to unfold, although I am not sure quite how this could be done. My main concern is that confusion too early could throw off readers.
There are some large sections of “telling” that may be better broken up with dialogue or action but overall the imagery is excellent and in particular the atmosphere that you have created around the main character is very engaging.
Some editing points that I picked up in Chap 1, where an editor’s axe falls :-)

Chap 1
- …off of. || just - “off” delete “of”.
- “…medical freak show, which, she thinks, I just might happen to be. ||Confused POV within one sentence: “…she thinks, she might…”
- …for toilet paper. “Fine, Miss Strawman…” || needs a line break.
- …still stuck here some thirty years. || …still stuck here some thirty years later
-…writing scholarship her junior year… || …writing scholarship in her junior year…

All the best with it.

Andrew
A Fatal Misuse of time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.
(Not a time travel novel really, more a mystery/philosophy comedy :-)

I finished all you have up and you have a very unique style that reflects the main characters stare of mind well. At times it did get me a bit lost but that may well be an aid to getting into the main characters head. If you want to use this as a technique it may pay to somehow make it clear that this is the case so that the reader doesn’t get frustrated and is content to wait for things to unfold, although I am not sure quite how this could be done. My main concern is that confusion too early could throw off readers.
There are some large sections of “telling” that may be better broken up with dialogue or action but overall the imagery is excellent and in particular the atmosphere that you have created around the main character is very engaging.
Some editing points that I picked up in Chap 1, where an editor’s axe falls :-)

Chap 1
- …off of. || just - “off” delete “of”.
- “…medical freak show, which, she thinks, I just might happen to be. ||Confused POV within one sentence: “…she thinks, she might…”
- …for toilet paper. “Fine, Miss Strawman…” || needs a line break.
- …still stuck here some thirty years. || …still stuck here some thirty years later
-…writing scholarship her junior year… || …writing scholarship in her junior year…

All the best with it.

Andrew
A Fatal Misuse of time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.
(Not a time travel novel really, more a mystery/philosophy comedy :-)

You have an interesting, multi-layered character and a unique plot. It takes a little while to the story moving and digest the background of the characters, but you do a good job setting up the premise. You write well and clean too. Just try not to put your analogies too close together, like having too many in the same paragraph.

This is good work. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

You had me hooked up until the last two paragraphs of the first section - I couldn't understand the pop culture references and then why all of the sudden she is in her own car. Otherwise it was very well written. Interesting and with a great pace and knack for storytelling. I'm reading on...

I like the second section a lot. It makes us understand more about this character and that she is a somewhat unreliable narrator. Very interesting. I'm getting hooked again...

It's clear that you are an excellent writer. Many phrases here stood out for me and I enjoyed to language and the story very much. Charlie is a fascinating character and I'm very curious to get to know more about her. However, I do wonder if you are doing yourself a disservice by having your section breaks set up the way they are. I found myself confused - are these new chapters? Why is there a break here? What is the author trying to get across?

Also, I know that the narrative is trying to be reflective of what is going on in Charlie's mind - and you do that really well, but I did wonder if it was a bit too much - that it's one thing to have Charlie be an unreliable narrator - but jumping back and forth time-wise from high-school and back again - and between scenes - the river, the swimming hole, the realtor and house, the school - might be just a bit too much to keep the reader "there" with you. I don't mind if a character's mind wanders if she stays in the same place. But if her mind wanders and her body does at well, it might be just a bit too much to follow.

Having said that, you have a very unique voice, a very interesting story and you've written a heroine that I'd very much like to get to know better.

This is great stuff.

Highly starred.

- Bunderful

you write this very good book using excellent narrative and dialogue very well to tell your tale...
backed...
read SEASONS...

great title. i don´t think you need both paragraphs in the pitch. choose one. they conflict with each other and become redundant.... original premise, too...
j
what every woman should know

I read your first chapter in your book.
The pitches are good.
I find the descriptions perfect as a picture. The story line is not my type but it is concocted well.
I like the different names that you have throughout your story. They are very creative. I enjoy using many names too in my stories.
No mistakes.
Good work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

I just finished reading chapter one and I think it's just awesome. Lots of stars! Definitely some of the best writing I've found so far on the site. I'll be making room for you on my shelf. You've got a wonderful mastery of the craft and the art. And I thought the line "a sponge for neuroses with nowhere else to go," was just magnificent.
Not that I didn't find things to pick on. The biggest stumbling block in the first section was switching between past and present tense. I'd move it all to past tense (Charlie thought, instead of Charlie thinks). Other than that, I found occasional minor sticking points:
I'd change the three sentences into one regarding two things happening "simultaneously: a fourteen year old..., and..."
I'd drop the two comments "Charlotte is thinking" and "Charlotte thinks". Those might be needed for a lesser writer, but you've done such a fine job of putting us in her head already that it actually breaks the flow rather than clarify anything. It's clear she's the one doing the thinking.
I think you mean to start a new paragraph but hit the wrong key or something at "Fine, Miss Strawman..."
but in addition right after that you say "Please. Charlotte is so formal"
so instead of "Miss Strawman" the realtor should have said "Charlotte".
The sentence Adeline coaxed her into the water (I'd put a period here, drop "and then" and start a new sentence.)
Did you mean to say "wane light"? I've never heard of it. I've heard of waning light.
When Charlotte "picked out a walk in closet" it sounded to me like she was buying a portable wardrobe. But I think you meant she chose an existing closet to remodel in her new house?
So there are all my nitpicky comments. Even with them, this is top notch writing, superior to most of the writing I've seen so far. I'll be reading the rest of what you've got posted, absolutely!
Tod Schneider
The Lost Wink

I've read all posted chapter now. Charlie is a fantastic if unhinged character. Tim Ferris got exactly what he deserved. I did find chapter 2 difficult to get into (particularly the start) and overall it does jump around a lot and I wasn't entirely sure who was who in relation to Charlie. You maybe need to look at making it easier for the reader to keep a handle on what's happening. Great voice. Great idea. Juliet

I really enjoyed the oddness of your opening chapter, with musical woods and appliances and dead neighbours planting rose bushes. Charlie is a great character and one I am looking forward to getting to know better. Adding to my wlist to read more of later. Juliet

Lisa,

You never disappoint! So far I've read Chapter 1 of "Drowning Lessons" and am loving the read! You write well and the depth you give your characters along with the details you give really draw me into your world and make me vested in it. Something that always amazes me while reading your books is how you get into the character's mind. Here, you've given us something completely unique in Charlie and her failing mind. I feel for her as she struggles in Chapter 1 and you end the chapter brilliantly with the death of her neighbor and the yellow and white rose bushes that he seems to have planted before his death.

You are by far one of my favorite authors on Authonomy and it's great to see this new book uploaded for us to enjoy! I'll read the 2nd and 3rd chapters soon and look forward to the rest once they're uploaded! You've got the start to a great and unique book here. I'm intrigued to see what's to come!

Have a fantastic day!

- Scott

Wow, what a very interesting concept for a book. I have never heard of such a unique concept for a book! Very original story. Highly Starred. I can't wait to read more later on.
Thanks,
Scott Trimas
The Chimera Factor