Legacy

Hi James,
Legacy has all the makings of a thrilling tour de force. I was gripped from the very beginning, immediately drawn into this chilling, roller coaster of a story. Your marvellous writing made me shiver more than once, which is quite an achievement let me tell you. My only complaint is that it is incomplete. I was left frustrated at the end of it, genuinely wanting to know what happens next. This is a wonderfully creepy read, James, and I would simply ask you to do all of us a favour and get it finished soon. Great stuff. Can't wait. Six stars & WL. Best regards,Richard

Hi James, managed to submit this comment - at last.
Legacy.
What a brilliant story and what an intriguing beginning with the old lady recalling the awful memories.
I was hooked from the beginning and I went on to read more.
Chapter two was even more captivating,its all so gruesome and haunting. It was so real and life-like, the hanging sent a chill down my spine.
I do have on nit pic and that's the two children. Their new names are somewhat confusing for quite sometime, and didn't know who they were until the detective asks the young man what he wants to be called. Whether this is what you planned I don't know, but it seems too long a time.
Overall a great piece of writing. A brilliant storyline, excellent dialogue and Highly starred!
Great work
Junetee(Four Corners)

Hello James,
Wuzzyboy/Joe Kovacs-writer of Rupee Millonaires would often say-you have something here-at the start of his Autho comments.
Well, it certainly applies to your story. There is a lot of merit/potential/talent on display in this writing which is, above all else, a very captivating thriller that plunges the reader into a convincing and taut narrative.
Whenever someone writes 'potential' my heart sinks a little as it means-not finished, not perfect, more work. And that is the case here, in my humble, ignorant opinion. But I want to emphasise that it is very good. A thriller needs to sink its nails into the carotids and be forceibly prised away, screaming like a banshee, and this is what you have here with 'The Legacy'.
Two points i would say are worth considering-
Chap 2 - for my money the exposition re the family is given away too cheaply and quickly. alot more taut mileage could be gained by drip-feeding the BS.
Chap 3- children who kill come from.. unsure how to interpret this, it's clear jennifer believes it, which is understandable, but does lessen sympathy for her as it highlights her spoilt background. The way it is delivered I'm left wondering if the author believes it as well?
High stars, on WL.
Thank you for a hugely entertaining read.
All the Best!
John

Hi, Jimes-- The overall effect of your narrative is both chilling and haunting, with its vivid description, strong characterizations (especially the sadistic killer), and the children's palpable terror. The device of having the old lady reach back in memory to bring up the horror, with the menace still present, is very effective. You've used surrealism skillfully in the last paragraph of Chapter 1, where old Amy caresses the young girl, her mother. You might give a second thought, though, to the shifting of tenses--past, present, past--and the shift of POV from the short prologue (in the father's head) to the main chapter, where the narrator, Amy, takes over. This confused me at first, and I reflected later that the prologue should be purely objective, since it's really Amy's recollection. You leave me, after only three chapters, with a strong desire to read more. --Best wishes, Bill

This is very good! Every time we switch threads, I am sorry to leave, but within a couple of paragraphs I am totally engrossed in the new scene. It's a very complex story, exciting, with a great sense of danger. Makes for a real thriller!

Interesting book I've read bits and pieces of it. Enjoyed what I've read. I'm not into criticing books. So, I leave it at that.

Hi James,
Legacy has all the makings of a thrilling tour de force. I was gripped from the very beginning, immediately drawn into this chilling, roller coaster of a story. Your marvellous writing made me shiver more than once, which is quite an achievement let me tell you. My only complaint is that it is incomplete. I was left frustrated at the end of it, genuinely wanting to know what happens next. This is a wonderfully creepy read, James, and I would simply ask you to do all of us a favour and get it finished soon. Great stuff. Can't wait. Six stars & WL. Best regards,Richard

Hi James, managed to submit this comment - at last.
Legacy.
What a brilliant story and what an intriguing beginning with the old lady recalling the awful memories.
I was hooked from the beginning and I went on to read more.
Chapter two was even more captivating,its all so gruesome and haunting. It was so real and life-like, the hanging sent a chill down my spine.
I do have on nit pic and that's the two children. Their new names are somewhat confusing for quite sometime, and didn't know who they were until the detective asks the young man what he wants to be called. Whether this is what you planned I don't know, but it seems too long a time.
Overall a great piece of writing. A brilliant storyline, excellent dialogue and Highly starred!
Great work
Junetee(Four Corners)

You have done some edits since I last read. I remember the story. In line 2 ,'foulest' may not carry the weight of horror you want to convey. In similar vein, line 5 has, 'showing no respect.' I would suggest that rape is never respectful. This detracts from the story. But your writing is well crafted marred only, as I suggest, by the odd word/phrase choice.
The dichotomy is still there in the memory bit. Could I suggest this could be easily, in a single line, be resolved with a sentence that explains excellent long term memory vs poor short term memory in altzimers.
But, James, notwithstanding the above, an enjoyable read. Well done.

I enjoyed your writing and the story. There are some nice mysteries here and the characters are memorable. I particularly enjoyed the old lady in chapter one struggling to record her painful memories. The storyline with Rory and the criminal organization is also well done.

Having shorter chapters, and including cliffhangers, could improve the pace of the novel. Many thrillers have brief chapters, even multiple chapters for the same scene. It makes books harder to put down. Just make sure that each chapter ending has a strong reason why the reader should turn the page.

In the graph that begins "She peers through the gap..." and continuing from there, that is in present tense. Yet, the story before that is in past tense. You should probably have her writing it in past tense.

How did you skip ahead to Jennifer being sentenced? It doesn't seem there is any evidence against her, unless you are saying that he died from the cut on his head caused by her rock. More details would be helpful.

After taking Rory from the cell in July, why would Hans wait until January to put him down the well?

You have loads of talent and and imaginative plot. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

not my usual genre, but a good crime read. engaging, fast-paced....
j

i WANT TO READ MORE1 Your's is the gfirst incomplete bnook I have backed. Its that good.

l like your descriptive narrative. lt brings your book to life.
l have backed.
read SEASONS...

Hello James,
Wuzzyboy/Joe Kovacs-writer of Rupee Millonaires would often say-you have something here-at the start of his Autho comments.
Well, it certainly applies to your story. There is a lot of merit/potential/talent on display in this writing which is, above all else, a very captivating thriller that plunges the reader into a convincing and taut narrative.
Whenever someone writes 'potential' my heart sinks a little as it means-not finished, not perfect, more work. And that is the case here, in my humble, ignorant opinion. But I want to emphasise that it is very good. A thriller needs to sink its nails into the carotids and be forceibly prised away, screaming like a banshee, and this is what you have here with 'The Legacy'.
Two points i would say are worth considering-
Chap 2 - for my money the exposition re the family is given away too cheaply and quickly. alot more taut mileage could be gained by drip-feeding the BS.
Chap 3- children who kill come from.. unsure how to interpret this, it's clear jennifer believes it, which is understandable, but does lessen sympathy for her as it highlights her spoilt background. The way it is delivered I'm left wondering if the author believes it as well?
High stars, on WL.
Thank you for a hugely entertaining read.
All the Best!
John

Hi, Jimes-- The overall effect of your narrative is both chilling and haunting, with its vivid description, strong characterizations (especially the sadistic killer), and the children's palpable terror. The device of having the old lady reach back in memory to bring up the horror, with the menace still present, is very effective. You've used surrealism skillfully in the last paragraph of Chapter 1, where old Amy caresses the young girl, her mother. You might give a second thought, though, to the shifting of tenses--past, present, past--and the shift of POV from the short prologue (in the father's head) to the main chapter, where the narrator, Amy, takes over. This confused me at first, and I reflected later that the prologue should be purely objective, since it's really Amy's recollection. You leave me, after only three chapters, with a strong desire to read more. --Best wishes, Bill

Hi James
Crime thriller is not my usual cup of tea but I liked your fast pace and gripping storyline. Enjoyed the theme of a wave of revenge. Good luck with it.
Paul
Dead Moon Rising

I wish I could write like you.

James,
I will send my comments via a message.
Rob Lawrence

A jolly good read. Well done!

brilliant!!

This is very good! Every time we switch threads, I am sorry to leave, but within a couple of paragraphs I am totally engrossed in the new scene. It's a very complex story, exciting, with a great sense of danger. Makes for a real thriller!

Your prologue is evocative and well written except for the tenses. You switch constantly from past to present tense. It is an absolute no, no. You must pick one tense and stick to it. In the prologue you could do it by describing what they saw, and even when she recalls/dreams, stay in past tense.
Sorry about the tiny comment, but you dropped out for an edit!
Will return when able!

Oh my, this starts with a bang! Very fast-moving, involving plot. I've put it on my watchlist, and I will read on.

It's well-written.
Backed
Hope you'll read mine, I can use some feedback.

Can't wait for the real thing M.

You know exactly how to play on the reader’s emotions – an essential requirement for a thriller writer, I think. This has pace, drama and each chapter hooks you into the next. The brutality towards the children is difficult to read but you ensure that there is at least the very semblance of remorse shown by your characters, even if this is nothing more than a fleeting moment.

As far as the marketing goes, there may be confusion with your book and Fontaine’s, which has been on the site for over a year as both have the same titles. Both the long and the short pitch entice the reader.

I found the scene with Billy and Jennifer really gripping and the dialogue exchanges seem really natural. But then there’s a shift and somehow the dialogue seems more self-conscious, particularly in Chapter One where the girls describe what went on in the pub with the dad. More dialogue contractions here would help smooth out some of the edges here. Two books on here that I think do colloquial, contracted dialogue really well are Caroline Batten’s Forfeit and John O’Donnell’s, Dropping Babies.

I am making the assumption here that the story is being told through the eyes of Amy – and I can see why you’d want to start with her if she is the main character. However, it feels at present that the story (rather than the back story) kicks off in 1997. I am, though, looking forward to reading more when you upload it as I’m keen to see into the mind of a character who wants to punish a subsequent generation for the sins of their ancestors……

All in all, this is shaping up to be a terrific read. Highly starred and on the W/L. Well done.

Alison (Lambert Nagle)
Revolution Earth

I really like the multi-layer complexity of this book. It is fascinating to follow the old lady's story and to see the consequences so long after. The writing is excellent and characterisation is so well done. Descriptions are carefully written with reference to contemporary detail. I think this will do very well.

A thrilling book from start to finish

Great thriller which kept me gripped.

Hi.
Let me start by saying that I did enjoy your writing. Good balance of show and tell, nice, strong voice, and a credible dialogue. All-in-all, an negotiable read.
Now, for what it didn’t work for me: \In Ch 1 you have your character write her memoirs, and I would use her flashback not as a narrator’s tell, but a flashback of internal dialogue (in Italics).
I’m gonna give you a piece of advice, the same I got from my agent. Most readers are not interested in old folk’s stories. As such, I’m suggesting that you start with it as a Prologue, introducing Amy as she writes. Then, move into the story, and you MUST give a strong connection with what’s about to follow. You don’t have the luxury to have a long, slow paced opener. Your story actually starts on May 1997, but don’t forget to connect the events. Giving tidbits of info and leaving it unexplained might turn your readers off. You have a lot of characters…and where’s the connection to Amy? That MUST be clear, if you establish her as your story teller.
As I said, the writing’s good, there’s tension in chapters 2 and 3…but you left me with this feeling that something’s missing. You can’t do that to a reader.
On the strength of your voice, I’m backing it.
Good luck.
Dan

Dear James

First of all, I think you are a wonderful writer, with a real, natural talent for descriptive passages, dialogue and characterisation. Your pacing is great, you set scenes well, and seem to have more ideas than I could shake a stick at. I am impressed, and have read the first two chapters uploaded and the best part of the third.

Your writing is fluent and easy to read, with only the occasional awkwardness that we all face. Nothing that a good edit would not clean up, mainly to keep the story moving.

I have a couple of suggestions that you may like to consider, though of course, you are free to leave them, if you wish.

Firstly of course, your mc is Amy, and you are a gentleman. Writing under the skin of the opposite sex is notoriously difficult and for the most part you manage very well indeed. Your straight dialogue feels smooth, easy and is very accomplished. However, on occasion an awkwardness creeps in when you use too many words, for example in chapter 2 when describing what happened to dad on the Tuesday. The listener even alludes to the fact that she wishes her sister would get to the point. For the sake of the plot, she might be right!

Also there are occasions, most noticeably in the first chapter, when you switch between present and past tense. It is tempting to use present tense, for dramatic effect. But doing so actually puts the brakes on the plot, because using present tense does not come naturally when we are story telling. Experiment with using just the past tense, and you may find that your plot speeds up nicely.

All in all a very rewarding, promising read which I am happy to rate highly. All the best with this.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-))

Twisting plot can't help but pull you into this tale. Great fun and can't wait to read the last line ...

gripping, well told, well thought out, good structure, well layered...
j
what every woman should know

Excellent read

The narrative opens with a strong feel of foreboding, revealed in detail by the death of three people. This should give rise to sympathy, although some readers may have difficulty in relating to criminally minded person. Moving from 1st person to 3rd and back can be a very powerful technique. Good pace and rounded characters. Well done.

Death, secrets and secret passages inthe basement. So much packed in one chapter. I did enjoy it and hope to get back to read more. Well done.
Regards, Red
Illusions of Comfort

This is a story with real substance; the first chapter has multiple layers that draw the reader into the storyline. In particular I enjoyed your visualisation of the old woman in the room preparing to write.

‘her small and frail figure made the room and all around her seem enormous’ is one of my favourite lines, giving the reader an instant visual picture.

As I continued to read I was drawn into a house with secret doors and corridors, which lay the foundation for the horror that lies ahead for two innocent young people, who witness the most horrific and traumatising event.

‘Thomas, her younger brother, is clinging to her. She feels him trying to climb into her, hiding, petrified’ you can really feel his fear, immersing the reader in the story bringing the characters to life.

Gripping, suspenseful and shockingly brilliant!

6 stars from me!

Hi James,

A gripping read!

Phil

Hi James,

This is a fantastic read.

The intricate plot written in free-flowing narrative ensures the reader remains fully engaged throughout. Furthermore, intrinsic to the storyline is the depth of the characters which become 3-dimensional almost immediately.

This is an intriguing and exciting book and I look forward to seeing this and subsequent books on my bookshelf!

Best of luck

James - I love the way your narrative flows, and it looks as though it’s going to become a really interesting story. I really love it when Stevie Gee enters the fray, I can see her becoming a real star. Please don’t kill her off!! WELL WRITEN and WELL DONE! and Good Luck, John Fountain

Great read so far, I can't wait for the 'whole book'! I am sure it will be a page-turner. Jacqui Carolan

Gripping !!! just started to read but hooked already cannot wait for tonight for the next instalment.

Colin Atkins

Hi James, this is brilliant - I just read it and can't wait to see more! I will definantely be recommending this to my friends WHENit is published.

I like the idea behind this.

Great, can't wait to read more

Loved it more more more please.

James,

I read the first chapter, and was gripped from beginning to end.

Your narrative is smooth, flowing and error free. Great catch at the end of the chapter with Jennifer lying on the couch!

Not an entirely original concept, but told beautifully. The ideas of cause and effect being spread so heavily over such a long period of time is wonderful, the victims having no idea that their forebears are responsible for their situation.

Best regards
Warrick

Hi James. Have just read the first two chapters, and I really want more. One question -- do I need to remember all those names in the first chapter, for later in the book? If so I might need to read it a couple more times. Unusual style, will look out for the book when it's complete.

James. I wanted to add something. I've re-read chapter one; it still grips me and I love the style, the pace and the voice. Just one tiny thing. When Frederick is being questioned he says where he has just come from...I know that it adds to the reader's understanding of the setting but I felt that the boy would be a little more terrified...like his sister...the sentence comes across as a little calm for a boy whose parents are laying dead in front of them maybe? I really love it though, and when you've added more then I'm sure that it will be on my bookshelf.

You've got me wanting to read more - I'll be watching.