The Fickle Moon

I like this even more now. It gets better and better. 6 stars for sure. Debs

Stunning - a light touch yet with astringent expression of mood . A New Yorker's brilliance for old York .

York is overrun with werewolves, vampires, and assorted monsters. If you've visited Yorkshire, you know this to be fact (and it's far worse in its namesake, New York.)

So send in MI5 and you have the plot for this interesting story. With some powers of her own, Rowan Sweetapple (now there's a name!) takes on the assignment to find out what's going on in York (beyond the obvious).

The story is highly intelligent, darkly comic, well written, with good dialogue and scene. I back it!

FICKLE MOON
This is an interesting story. You have a good main character in Rowan. She’s likable because of the way she talks to her uncle; she’s sympathetic because she’s a reluctant hero, not certain she wants to take on a werewolf. I think your writing style is just right for this; makes the story begin on a quiet, nonthreatening note which I sure will change when the werewolf appears. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

I like this! Like Rowan, I like a good mystery, and the paranormal aspect is very intriguing. It's well written, too, and the narrator's voice is quite engaging. On my shelf!

Elizabeth Buhmann
The Made-Up Man

This is a good read, Susan! I'm not into werewolves and vampire stories but I caught myself reading on as if I was caught in a spell. I like your main character, she's obviously not a stranger to you and well worked out. I don't know how many stars I'd give you but I'm definitely backing the book!

Rowan seems very real and the pace is fast and the dialogue is exciting to to suck me in.
A great read!

First, I am impressed with the literacy of the first chapter. Punctuation, grammar and spelling are all in order. Great job of editing. As a fan of the early works of Anne Rice, I am impressed. Love stories about werewolves, witches, ghosts, and vampires. The writing is gripping and told in a natural voice. It is too early for me to tell about the plotting, so I can't comment there. As I read further, i know I am going to like Rowan, especially the humor. I will be back to read more chapters. Great potential here.

you immediately caught my interest with the mythological creatures featured in your book. Werewolves have always been a favorite of mine so i can tell that the rest of this will be great.

I really enjoy Rowan's voice and your use of dialogue. Well done. Subject matter is stuff we've all heard before, but you put a nice unique stamp on it. Good plot, intrigue and mystery galore, and also great descriptions. I'm putting it on my shelf.

Sara
War of the Wastelands

Hi Susan-

Thanks for the read. Independent of genre, you can't beat a likable character. Rowan is smart, humorous, and driven. Your emphasis upon the raw physicality of Rowan and the shape-changing characters about her brings a level of credibility pieces like this often lack.

Your set-up of having Rowan return to help solve an old friend's murder while she herself is undergoing a life-altering transformation of her own, all the while squatting in a large and haunting mansion--pass the popcorn please. Has all the makings of a purely indulgent tale.

Liked:
- the zoo scene when the fellow wolves recognized Rowan's scent, downwind
- the slow development and honing of her senses
- "lost my carapace"
- your setting descriptions, especially of Reggie's house
- the dream sequence in ch3 and the subsequent fight scene

I'll send along small typos I noticed and some debatable word choices. Best of luck with this.

Collin

6 stars - enjoying pace and humour - gets you hooked early on, style relaxes as plot line develops.keep at it .di

Susan,
A good read. Wish the font hadn't been bold, but I read the first three chapters.High stars

RCG Review
Pitch: Like the title and both short and long pitches were good hooks.
Plot: Not a fan of this genre, but it does seem to be selling. The problem was set out clearly, there is a lot of energy in this story line, and Rowan's need to understand her own nature are compelling elements for a good plot.
Pacing: Nice pace. Lot of narrative helps it feel slow as you develop your characters, but plenty of action. Your karate fight scene was exciting.
Spelling/Grammar: Good job. Occassional redundancies - ch. 1 - carry on hiding like this like this
ch. 2 best part the basket of cakes to get to get rid of her.
ch. 3 something alien in clutched in my palm
haven't had a had a good shag
Omissions ch1. I've always different
for other people to action
Spelling (omitted letter) - simple oak dressing tale - table
drop of ran - rain
All simple easy fixes. It read well.
Dialogue: Effective use of dialogue to give back story and insight into your character. Good job.
Voice/Style: Enjoyable flow to your writing.
Characterization: Good work. Could always tell everyone apart. Very effective descriptions.
Good luck on your writing,
Janet
Clarissa's Kitchen
The Milche Bride

New York is my best city in USA, I have the dream to school there. I love this story, I have rated it ten stars, ten outstanding

I am enjoying the suspense. The first chapter needs a full stop at the end of the last sentence and iPhone needs a lower case i and upper case p. I can't see anything else spelling wise and punctuation is fine. It hangs together well. ****** six stars******

I read your first chapter as you requested. I loved your short summary and the premise of your story. I have highly rated your novel. You have a very good start, but you might want to make it more readable. You should break up your paragraphs and watch the run-on sentences. If you wouldn't speak this way, then you shouldn't write this way.
Carefully look at where you have commas and determine if they are absolutely necessary. If you can't justify them, then start a new sentence instead.
I noticed some, what I would call, "heavy words", which may distract the reader somewhat. Words like nascent, exsanguination, carapace, etc... While they are used correctly, they can be distracting, expecially in the first chapter.
Overall, a great start you have here. Keep up the great work.
Here are some grammar issues I noticed.
"saw the caller i.d, but even if I'd moved" -- Probably should start a new sentence at "but".
"I knew where he meant by" -- I would go with "what he meant", but this one is up to you.
"undercover work leavening the stability" -- Not sure you mean "leavening". Dictionary definition of leavening is the act or process of causing to ferment by leaven. I think you mean "leaving".
"to wake me from my torpor and get me" -- I know that "torpor" means inactivity, apathy, hibernating, but I had to look that up. So others would be thrown by that word also. Why not just use "dormancy", or even "inactivity"?
"Making her way back to her car in the car park next to" -- Can you use parking lot/garage here instead of "car park"? Using the same word "car" that close together sometimes causes confusion.
"Tower's bloodstained history: fortress, garrison" -- Sentence seems to be long and would be better if you went with, "history. A fortress, garrison". Also break out that sentence where the commas are at would help.

David, thanks very much for the backing, really appreciate it! Susan

Great imagery, It really drew me in to the story. Interesting first chapter, feeling a little hooked on it. Well done.
David H

*RCG Review *
The Fickle Moon by Susan Kuczynska

1) Pitch: Vampires, werewolves, witches and ghosts, all mentioned in the pitch, leaving no doubt as to what the story is about.

2) Plot: Rowan, freelance spy, heads to York to investigate the murder of a friend, hopefully ending in a successful venture and to answer the question: Who, or what , she is. Intriguing!

3) Pacing: I read three chapters and felt the pacing was fast enough to keep it interesting, but not so fast that detail was lost.

4) Spelling/Grammar:
Chapter 1:
♦ the P should be capitalized in iPhone
♦ need a period after “If I started now I wouldn’t stop”
♦ “…specially adapted Iphone” – small i, capital P
♦ I was allocated PO ‘box’ 666 – should be ‘Box’
♦ need a period after “Until that last job, of course”
♦ very last sentence in chapter needs a period
Chapter 2:
♦ remembering to lock the back door behind ‘be’ – should be ‘me’
♦ need a period after “…made me question her motives, benign though she appeared”
Chapter 3:
♦ I forced ‘my self’ to continue breathing calmly – should be ‘myself’
♦ as if after making love, - change the comma after love to a period

5) Dialogue: You are the Queen of Dialogue. All of it was natural and believable and nothing was stiff or made me say ‘nobody talks like that!’ as I’ve done with some other books. ☺

6) Voice/Style: I really like your voice and style. It’s fast-paced, interesting, easy to follow and has personality.

7) Characterization: I was very impressed with your characters. Each was strong and vivid and I could easily picture him/her in my mind as I read.

Just a note about the font: I’m not exactly young anymore, but I’m not old (yet) either, and I found the font difficult to read. It’s small and seems like it’s bold. I have found that Georgia or Verdana set at 12 are good fonts to use that make for easier reading. Just a suggestion you can feel free to discard, but it might keep people reading longer. ☺

In conclusion, I will admit that the fantasy/paranormal genre is not my cup of tea, though I’m not against it. I’ve read quite a few Anne Rice novels in years past, about both vampires and witches, and enjoyed them. And now I have read your work and I can honestly say that I enjoyed it, as well. I know there are A LOT of people who are into this genre and I am sure you will do well with this. I wish you the best of luck – but you won’t need it. You’re a very talented writer. ☺ Great job!

The underlying metaphor about what defines a monster is working very well, and yet it doesn't in the way of the story telling.

Love the beginning quote from Shakespeare.
Its an interesting story, werewolves arent normally my cup of tea, but vampires in New York are a different story
You tell the story well, intriguing the reader with your wonderful writing.
Its imaginative and spooky and as the book moves on it gets better all the time.
Great writing Susan.
Junetee
(FOUR CORNERS.book one, The Rock Star.)

I love this book, its right up my street (and im picky) :P
well done
6 stars have been given to you
Ellen Michelle
P.S
I recommend this book to anyone

I like this even more now. It gets better and better. 6 stars for sure. Debs

Susan,

Because of time constraints, I only read chapter one, but I didn’t want you to think that I forgot you… You have a great start to an intriguing story. I was really impressed with your ability to capture my imagination and pull me into the plot. It is obvious you have been writing for awhile. Your skill is way up there - top-shelf.

I liked your characters as well. Rowan is no-nonsense, likeable and capable. You’ve done a wonderful job creating a down to earth hero that the reader will trustingly following into some scary situations - no doubt.
You refer to “spook” in your pitch and in your book. I wasn’t sure exactly what that is. Is Rowan a literal ghost or is spook a trade word for free-lance spy?

I found a couple easy fixes that I hope you don’t me pointing out:

“You can’t carry on hiding like this like this.” Like this is repeated

“any other agent would do in blind, but you’ve seen it with you ( r) own eyes.”

“I’ve always (been?) different…”

I sighed, and mentally shrugged on my threadbare M16 (M15?) hat…”

And this is just an opinion, so please take it as that and do with it what you will… Since the dream sequence is what it is, I think I would just use alleyway and forego the grinnel explanation. It just seems out of place.

I’d love to read more of this. Although I don’t read too many werewolf books, this one had just enough realistic appeal and is written so well that I thought to myself, I could read more. Highly starred!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Susan,

Because of time constraints, I only read chapter one, but I didn’t want you to think that I forgot you… You have a great start to an intriguing story. I was really impressed with your ability to capture my imagination and pull me into the plot. It is obvious you have been writing for awhile. Your skill is way up there - top-shelf.

I liked your characters as well. Rowan is no-nonsense, likeable and capable. You’ve done a wonderful job creating a down to earth hero that the reader will trustingly following into some scary situations - no doubt.
You refer to “spook” in your pitch and in your book. I wasn’t sure exactly what that is. Is Rowan a literal ghost or is spook a trade word for free-lance spy?

I found a couple easy fixes that I hope you don’t me pointing out:

“You can’t carry on hiding like this like this.” Like this is repeated

“any other agent would do in blind, but you’ve seen it with you ( r) own eyes.”

“I’ve always (been?) different…”

I sighed, and mentally shrugged on my threadbare M16 (M15?) hat…”

And this is just an opinion, so please take it as that and do with it what you will… Since the dream sequence is what it is, I think I would just use alleyway and forego the grinnel explanation. It just seems out of place.

I’d love to read more of this. Although I don’t read too many werewolf books, this one had just enough realistic appeal and is written so well that I thought to myself, I could read more. Highly starred!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Nice work. A few spelling errors still even in the first few chapters which need a good re read. I like the dynamic building between Catriona and Rowan and between Rowan and Callum. Nice and mysterious as to where each relationship will go and how you are going to use them. The vicar is a complete wild card, too. I want to know a bit more about him pretty soon. Your style is becoming more relaxed and readable. The start seemed to me to be a bit staccato, but much more fluid/flowing in style now. I'm enjoying this and back it!

I enjoyed the opening chapter of The Fickle Moon. You have great writing style and you need to perfect it so that your book would stand out. I really enjoyed the conversation between Rowan and her uncle. I’d recommend you to be careful with the Past Perfect tense as there’s a lot of it in the opening chapter and it’s sometimes a bit complicated to read all the Past Perfect verbs. You may easily switch them to the Past Indefinite and the sentences would become a bit smoother.

This book has lots of potential as it has an appealing and easy-to-relate-to main character thrown into a chaos of mysteries and the supernatural.

Sprinkled The Fickle Moon with stars :)
Ivan

I like this. The characters, the plot , the dialogue, all of it. Next chapter please.

I've never really done comments before, so if I write something where it shouldn't be, I apologize.

Fickle Moon is a really great story. It takes a unique twist on the MC being a werewolf, and starts out with a mystery that gets fed by action in every chapter. It's a story I had a hard time putting down, and I look forward to maybe one day being able to read the rest. The pace, drama, and action move together beautifully to weave a great story, and one that I will definitely be backing. :)

I made some notes while I was reading that you can take or leave at your own discretion.

Chapter 1 Notes
main character description-"too determined a chin" doesn't really make sense in the sentence, confusing and jars reader out of story
font changes-better to go with bold to normal, or normal to italics for the scene change, not changing the font entirely
"a nascent headache" not really sure what that means. It's an adjective I've never ever heard before
right after you describe the werewolf and vampire myths, you have a sentence "Then I'dhad an inspiration, and had visited the wolves in the London zoo" Just letting you know you're missing a space between I'd and had.

Chapter 2 notes:
Great story so far. Good pacing, and action. Keeps me interested as a reader.
I also just want to say, I love that your werewolves are actually wolves, and not weird man-wolf apelike things. :)

Chapter 3 notes:
You mention in the beginning that the MCs name is her real name. No need to do it again in chapter 3.
when you're MC looks at her attackers and says "some of you at least are good people" it makes it seems like the attackers are good people. which was not really my impression since they threatened rape earlier

Chapter 4:
I would be careful with the title, since it's awfully close to the book title "Interview with the Vampire" by Anne Rice. Besides, from the previous chapter it sounded more like they would be interrogating or questioning the vamps, not interviewing them.

Chapter 5
"She will not be harmed by more or any member of my Bite" More should be me.

Hi Susan
I really enjoyed reading this - nice flow and style and very little getting in my way to slow the pace. I love the name Rowan Sweetapple; perhaps get a wee bit in that she is in some ways herself a "windfallen apple" - knocked from her branch in life and M15 by her earlier ordeal - I just remembr the old quote re werewolves from the old gypsy lady, "never stray from the path, never eat a windfallen apple, and never trust a man whose eyebrows meet" ha ha. I might be tempted to strengthen her link with Reg - beyond a vague recollection - I think her motives to suddenly return to the fray are understandable with the mention of werewolves, but if Reg were a more personal friend or even a mentor to her in her early career her willingness to re-engage with her old life may be even greater and I'm all about motives in my characters. Like the premise and it has echoes of certain things like Hellboy - where the hero has a certainn irony in that when he's killed all the monsters there's still one left, the biggest one of all himself - much like our Rowan. Otherwise well manicured ms. Nice work. 6 stars and watchlisted for shelf space soon.
Derek
The Angel Chord

Oh, I love books like this! It's one of my absolute FAVORITE genres, and you did it more than justice! This is a wonderful book and I would definitely buy it. The way you described different moods and people was beautiful and painted pictures in my head. Wonderful :)

Susan - this is absolutely not my genre, and the etiquette and culture of werewolves and vampires is a closed book to me. If you want to attract readers who aren't already aficionados, you need to start at the beginning. Rowan is too knowing, too much in control, and too much of a believer from page one. I need convincing that werewolves and vampires are real, and her ready acceptance of the rules of the game made me feel that I was the only one who didnt know what was going on. I lived in York once [though never used the snickelways - really?] but never a vampire did I see. Once I'd got to chapter 3, I got a bit of a grasp on the territory you are in - but I thought that werewolves only behaved like wolves when they were transformed? In the fight, it sounds as if they are human in shape - or did I miss something? Having read it all, I feel a need for a vulnerability in your protagonist - she seems well prepared for everything. I'd prefer it if the forces of antagonism against her were more potent, perhaps because they have more knowledge than she does. Hope this makes sense - Frances K

I like this. It's cheeky, delightful and no-nonsense.
The first line of chps 1 lets you down a bit. I'm sure you can come up with a stonking first line - you're good at pithy, so don't pull your punches, go for it!! Maybe use the line in the bit before Chp1 "It all seemed so simple..." and then go to the phone call, like a flashback?! You know best, not quite sure what those two lines are doing before chp1 and why they aren't the beginning of Chp1. Not a big fan of Prologues.
Anyway, aside from that, it is great, it moves along nicely, has a lovely, slightly tongue-in-cheek tone. Any mention of Vicks Vapour Rub in literature of any kind is all right by me!!
Good stuff. 5 stars from me!
Best of luck with it,
Sharda.
P.S. I think we were doing a reading swap... when you have time (no pressure) mine is...
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

RCG Review

1) Pitch - really like the SP, the LP provides just that little bit more info and led well into the mystery of what happened in Manchester.

2) Plot - like the concept of this - the monsters, is the main character a good guy or a bad guy, which world will she end up choosing?

3) Pacing - I've read three chapters and found it's moving along at quite a fast pace. A lot of characters have been introduced already and looking at chapter four, more are about to come in. The action and intrigue are all there. As for the romance tag, that element isn't clear yet but there's only so much that can be introduced in the opening chapters without losing the reader in overload. I can see Callum having pull over Rowan but don't know yet if that's an Alpha thing or attraction. Chapter three introduces the thoughts that Rowan hasn't be drawn to anyone, male or female, but didn't recoil from Catriona looking at her, so perhaps more than friendship will develop between these two, although if Callum does become an interest for Rowan I wonder how Catriona, as his second, reacts to that?

4) Spelling/Grammar - I made notes on the chapters that I read and pasted them below. I've listed any nitpicks I found there.

5) Dialogue: this felt natural, contemporary and was easy to follow.

6) Voice/Style - I think some editing is required and there are occasions when there are just too many of those ly words, which can lead to wordiness - for example, 'Catriona looked at him pointedly, asserting confidently.' Other than that I think you've established a good pace, tension and a balance between narration and dialogue.

7) Characterisation: there are a lot of characters introduced in the opening chapters, some stand out more than others. Rowan is established as our main character - someone who is strong, troubled, shows some vulnerability and doubts about herself but starting to face her issues. Callum and Catriona as leaders of the wolf pack have strong characters but seem to act with fairness. Ginger works well as a baddie, spelling out trouble for Rowan and tension in the wolf pack.


Notes:
Ch 1: on the sight of an earlier settlement - site
'not bad,', my great Uncle - extra comma and not sure than uncle needs a capital U.
'Why me. Why now' - question marks
Not sure many barristers, being self-employed individuals, would consider it a career that gives them plenty of spare time for a second job.
Rowan thinks, 'If these things existed, it stood to reason...' but she already believes they do exist and I think there's some contradiction in Stanley telling her not to get too closely involved but then her needing to delve deep into Reg's life to fulfil her mission - live in his house, run his shop and do everything he did.
'flowered oink and white chintz curtains..' - oink?
The movement behind her catching her attention and making her look in the mirror felt a bit contrived.

The introduction of her strong sense of smell brings in a fantasy element, making her more than an ordinary human. The study of the wolves at the zoo is a good concept and worked well to introduce a darker element and thoughts about her character.


Ch2: watch out for repeated words - like capacious.
'he ushered me i ,...' - in
'I didn't know was what she was for sure...' - feels awkward.
Perhaps watch out for frequency of the ly's as well.

I was a bit thrown by the transition from the dream to the fight. The wakening up with the deer skin in her hand, the open window and the trampled lawn all suggested the dream was real and she had run with the wolves as a companion, so I wasn't prepared for her then expecting wolves to come after her and for that to be aggressive. Perhaps the wolves outside the window were just supposed to be an allusion and if she did hunt she'd done so on her own. The dream did work to emphasise her otherness - this feeling that there is something of the monster inside her.

Chapter three:
'by slapping hard me in the face' - me, hard in the face
'Not bloody likely', I said - punctuation outside the speech
'but a tied' - extra a
'had had no interest' - I'd had or single had works.


Overall, I really enjoyed this. I think you have a strong idea with wide appeal, there is tension, mysteries to be solved, character clashes and attractions, all the right combinations to get readers in and keep their attention.

CH3 "Take me to your leader!" - lol xD sorry, I had visions of sugarplumb aliens dancing in my head...

This is an excellent start. It definetly needs some fine tuning and editing love, mainly punctuation, and a bit of sentence restructuring here and there, but overall its great! You have a firm grasp of descriptive language and you use it effectively. =) There were a few points where the story jumped from one location to another, there was a transition, and it stumbled me because of the lack of warning. I'd suggest putting in a symbol or something similar to mark the transitional areas within the chapter. For example, in Chapter 1, It went straight from her talking on the phone and reminiscing, to her traveling. I had to go back over and read that section a couple of times to catch on.

I love your dialogue and the witty reparte. Your heroine is snarky and I love it. I'd love to re-read this after you finish editing. =) Good Job so far!

This is very well written and a pleasure to read. Rowan's trip to Manchester intrigues me and makes me want to keep reading. The mix of genre - crime/spy/werewolf paranormal stuff - works great. I felt very much that you were in command of your story and I love her super-smell abilities and the bit with the wolves at the zoo. They add real depth.
If I had to pick out anything, I'd say her self-description in the mirror was the one place it felt anything less than totally slick.
Great story!
Kate
The Licenser

Its hard not to like your work. In fact, its easy to fall in love with it. You gripped attention from the start. With time spared I would have read to the end

RCG Review

Hi Susan, I have very much enjoyed reviewing The Fickle Moon for the Romance Crit Group – so far it's a great read!

Pitch – I really like the lonely hearts style short pitch – very different and instantly captures the interest. The long pitch gave away a little more detail; enough to intrigue me, but not more than I needed. Perfect!

Plot – I'm a fan of the paranormal, so your concept interested me from the start. I liked the way we meet Rowan at a point in her life where something big has recently happened to her, but we don't immediately know what. Alluding to the events in Manchester that clearly didn't end well made me want to keep reading to find out what had happened.

Pace – The fast pace worked well and kept the action moving. In the second chapter it possibly moved slightly too fast for me. The dream – or not really dream – was followed almost immediately by the fight with the wolves. Personally, I would have liked a bit more of Rowan reflecting on the events of the night before first – how was she feeling? Was she scared, disbelieving, excited?

Spelling / grammar – I didn't notice any spelling or grammar issues. There were a couple of lines I noticed in chapter 2 with either missing or repeated words - 'I didn't know was what she was for sure', 'I pulled self upright', 'alien in clutched in my palm' …. possibly more, I was enjoying the story too much for close proof reading!

Dialogue – Very natural and realistic throughout. It was always clear who was talking.

Voice / style – I like your writing style. The prose flows smoothly and your descriptions give enough detail to paint a picture of the scenes, people and places, but without interrupting the story.

Characterization – Rowan is instantly interesting, particularly as we meet her in such Spartan surroundings in the opening chapter and the early knowledge that she is in some way super-natural. She is clearly a girl with a story, and I instantly found myself caring about her and wanting to find out what it was.

Overall I have very much enjoyed what I have read; fast paced and exciting, while very well written. Superb stuff - six stars from me!

Best of luck with it.

Oktober

I like the way the thoughts flow, it's really well written. It captured my attention and made me read more. I, personally, find it very interesting when Stanley is talking to her. Well done on your first chapter. There were no major issues, maybe a few 'techincal/grammatical' errors along the way but nothing major. -Liam

FICKLE MOON
This is an interesting story. I like the way it begins with Rowan being asked to investigate a crime; that’s an effective way to introduce back story as well as introduce her as a character. The idea that she’s a monster of some kind makes her an intriguing character. The mark of this, tho, is your writing style. It’s crisp and clear and very easy to follow. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Paul, thanks so much for the comments and suggestions. I'll be using your rewrite!

I have to confess that the out- monster line is Nietzsche's - I couldn't resist it!
All the best

Susan

I really like your new pitch, Susan (it is new, isn’t it??). I can’t remember much about the old one, but this seems to give a much stronger, more persuasive flavour of the terrifically off-beat, almost anarchic comedy which I so enjoyed in your opening chapters. I love the ‘lonely hearts’ short pitch and there’s some wonderfully original, extremely evocative phrasing (eg. ‘out-monster the monsters’) which really helps to bring the pitch alive.

I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve done a slight rewrite of the pitch?? It’s still pretty much the same, but I’ve reworded the short pitch so it feels even more like a lonely hearts/want ad and shuffled the longer pitch round so it ends with the killer ‘out-monster the monsters’ line. Obviously feel free to bin everything I’ve said!! (I also may well have got a couple of the ‘plot’ points wrong??) Food for thought, anyway. All the best. P

Here’s my slightly reworked pitch:

Part-time [insert the specific type of monster R is] seeks like-minded monsters for revenge/mayhem/possible long term relationship. GSOH essential. No time-wasters please. Apply PO Box 666, York.

**********************************************************************************************************************

Monsters don't exist, right? Wrong. Just ask Rowan Sweetapple. She is one.

Back in the spy game nearly two years after a near-death experience with an unnecessarily belligerent [insert specific type of monster], MI5 operative Rowan Sweetapple heads to York to investigate the brutal and bloody murder of a family friend.

Still coming to terms with the consequences of her encounter with the [insert specific type of monster who attacked her], Rowan needs this job. She needs to find out how her old friend died. She needs to track down the killer, make them pay. Most of all, though, she needs to work out what type of monster she really is.

In York, she discovers a hidden world of werewolves and witches, vampires and ghosts. The question is, can Rowan infiltrate this world, solve the mystery of her old friend’s death, bring the culprit to book?

Can Rowan Sweetpie out-monster the monsters and save the day?

Hey Sara, here for the read swap I suggested ages ago... so so sorry it took me so long.
Glad I finally got to it cos you've got one of the cleanest work I've read on here.

It has a strong narrative voice in Rowan. She's got a very real feel about her, with a touch of both extremes, strong to a point, very brave, but more fragile than she seems.

There are a lot of books in this sub-genre of fantasy but you've started yours off with a touch of mystery and intrigue. I can't wait to see where it leads to. Honestly, I was surprised about the "garlic and holy water" vampire. Haven't seen this kind of vampire is a long time. Kinda missed it, though please, let them NOT turn into bats... :D

I was also surprised that Rowan could smell better than the wolves. She seemed close enough for them to smell her.

All I could see for an edit was "The first said that that he believed that there were supernatural..."
Besides, that, it read clean to me.

Impressive writing and a promising story. 6 stars and will keep it on my w/l to back soon.

Edwin - The First Oath.

I followed your link to this from the romance crit group thread and this was a wonderful suprise. This really is my kind of book (as you would probably have guessed if you took a peek at my book 'Luna')!

The short pitch is fantastic. I love the humour and originality of the personal ad style. Although I like the conversational style of the long pitch, it feels like it needs to be polished.

There is obviously nothing new about a werewolf story but somehow you have managed to find a fresh way to go with it. It has all the makings of something quite cliche but you avoid that and instead create a clever and engrossing story with all the twists, turns and excitement you need to keep a reader interested.

The pace of the story is very well balanced between developing your characters and story. It flows very well and I feel like I am getting to know the characters while the story progresses without getting bogged down with long descriptions.

I think the whole thing could do with a good proof read to eliminate spelling and grammar errors although the first chapter seems more polished so I think you have probably already made a start. Watch out for over use of the same word eg. in chapter 2 you mention "the pack" three times in one paragraph and chapter three has a lot of mention of eyes. You could maybe substitute this with a more imaginative sentence structure eg. "a flash of gold as he watched me intently" inferring that you are talking about his eyes without spelling it out and "boldly met his eyes" could be "boldly met his gaze/stare"

The dialogue is very convincing and natural. All I would have liked was a bit more definition between the different characters in their speaking style. You have thought about this in places like with the woman with the broad Yorkshire accent but this could also be infused into the dialogue subtly with the main characters. Try to think about their status, intellegence levels or class.

Above all else, I warmed to Rowan immediately and the more I found out about her the more I liked. You have made her very three dimensional. It is very easy to try to make a character likeable by portraying them as a bit "goody goody" but as well as being compassionate and vunerable, Rowan is strong, opinionated with a sprinkle of kick ass and I love that. The other characters are intriguing which is a great pull as I am trying to figure out who I can trust along with Rowan

I will be back to read the last two chapters and I am proud to back it and have it sat on my shelf.

Very well written and good luck with the rest!
Cheryl x

Excellent opener , which is probably the most important thing in book writing. From the very first line, I was hooked. I felt connected with Rowan and that made me want to read on. The only problem so far is , I want to read more. You just teased me with 4 chapters. Highly starred and I will keep a close eye on this 1. I will reccomend this to others here on Authonomy.

This has the makings of a stunning read. Publishers please note!

This has the makings of a stunning read. Publishers please note!

More please!

More please!

More please!

Susan, with Chapter 4 this reads more and more like an Anita Blake novel. That's a good thing if it's what you have in mind. i assume you are familiar with Laurell Hamilton's character? Jim

Good start.
When Callum is introduced, Rowen's assessment of his age is done twice, an indication that you haven't fully vetted these early chapters. Still busy drafting later ones then?
Jim

Captivating, intrigiung and well written. The pace is excellent as is your imagination.
Backed with pleasure.
Laurence Howard, The Cross of Goa

Looking forward to the next chapter.

Fickle Moon is a book which has been on my watch-list waiting for a read for a week or two. Life gets busy sometimes and sad to say I only got around to it today. Why sad? Because I've missed out on this lovely story.

What impressed me most right from the start was the narrative voice. What impressed me next was the simile of Stanley. Laughed out loud. Really enjoyed some of the other humorous snippets too. They had me smiling while I was reading.

Yes, this is an out and out fantasy. Rowan goes off to hunt werewolves, but it is so utterly believable it's unreal.

A really polished and very enjoyable read.