37 + grace marks

you write this book very well, and with great effort. Dialogue too works. there is some editing required, but overall this is a good book...
backed...
read SEASONS...

it is a fast voice and the narrative pulses and paces, imbued with much chat.

"her no more messages meant we have finally ended the conversation" is good.

Hi Vishal, Much imagery at the beginning. However, I noticed in the first paragraph the repeated "The's" at sentence beginnings. Rewriting to vary would give it more punch.
I thought the scenes with Nimisha and then with the policeman were bright and dramatic. Capturing the age of the protagonist and the atmosphere. Some lines didn't seem to translate well. You might check on which they are. A few I noticed:
"Reading books was hardly seen by us anytime."
"Each of them made their boyfriend after coming to college."
Most sentences came off well so the ones that didn't deliver in English stood out. I enjoyed this for the strong handling of the number of characters while keeping the story of the protagonist central. Nice humor too, consistent with the age level. Shelved - Katherine

Hi Vishal, It's a good idea to check that you are writing in proper sentences, using correct English grammar. For instance, in the blurb, you write:
"His friends, Punit and Sahil who just want to enjoy life. Their poor mark sheets and their life in college."
As it stands neither of these are correct sentences as they do not make any sense.
You can omit the word 'who' from the first, so that it reads, "Punit and Sahil want to enjoy the good life." -- that makes sense. It tells you something. Otherwise it is an incomplete sentence.
The second must be linked to something else in order for it to make sense. Otherwise, it conveys no information but simple lists their poor mark sheets and life in college -- it begs the question, "what about them?"
Your opening paragraph in this piece is also not a sentence -- "What happens If you screw up your semesters one after another with number of..."
Here you have mixed several sentences together...but it is not correct English grammar and hence quickly becomes incomprehensible to English speakers. Speakers of Indian English may cope better.
May I ask if you fully understand the difference between 'a' and 'the' and the roles each of these words play? Take for instance, the aforementioned "...number of backlogs..." backlogs requires an 'a' in front of it. i also had no idea what a backlog meant, as it is not a phrase used in this context in England.
Check that each sentence makes sense when it stands on its own. Say it to someone and see if they understand it.
I hope this is helpful and wish you all the best with your writing.

you write this book very well, and with great effort. Dialogue too works. there is some editing required, but overall this is a good book...
backed...
read SEASONS...

Hi Vishal,
I see from the comments below that people have already mentioned the unconventional (for US and UK readers) language. Personally, I think that's a strength if used the right way, since it is a first person narrative. It gives the story a voice of its own and helps transport the reader into the character's mind, although perhaps you could smooth out some of the Hinglish would make it more readable (too much dialect can be alienating sometimes). I think you could condense parts of it where not much is happening and expand on Viraj's internal monologue - how he sees the world, how he feels about what's going on, etc. Since it is a personal story for the narrator, focusing more on how he feels than on what exactly is going on around him would make it stronger.

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project (http://authonomy.com/books/41618/astral-sea-the-pandora-project/)

P.S. You may want to consider rewriting your short pitch and making it more specific to your story. "Love at first sight" is a very common theme, so if you want to make your story stand out, throw something in there that shows why it's different from all the other love stories out there (perhaps mention that it's set in India, or something about Viraj and Nimisha's relationship)

it is a fast voice and the narrative pulses and paces, imbued with much chat.

"her no more messages meant we have finally ended the conversation" is good.

Vishal,

These are a few hints as to how to make it more readable to US and UK readers.

Firstly, in any language "tear strained pillows" shoule be "tear stained pillows" the meanings are completely different.

"I and Punit" Should traditionally be "Punit and I". These days the rules are more relaxed, and we say "Me and Punit".

"He instructed us to be silent at the moment" in this instance it should be "He instructed us to be silent for a moment"

Not an English lesson, but a writing lesson. You dont have to point out the obvious: "'Are you stupid, why did you put speaker on?' She showed some anger." We can feel the anger in her words, so you can do away with this small piece of narrative and the story will flow better.

"My ears were paining..." should be "My ears were hurting..." Pain is what we feel, hurt is the sensation of feeling."

"Everyone wants to have little stupidities near one." tricky one this. In your Hinglish this is probably very correct, but in English this would feel better as "Everyone wants to have little stupidities near them."

"Where did you get her?" This makes her sound like a dog or a cat. "Where did you find her?" Would be a little better. "How did you meet her?" would be a lot better.

"She proposed me last month." Maybe you are referring to some process that takes place in India. I suspect that you are referring to her coming up and introducing herself to you, or someone introducing her. Thus "She was introduced to me last month."

I hope this helps. Hinglish sounds very interesting.

Best regards
Warrick

Warrick,

You must have heard about two types of English - English(US) and English(UK). Let me tell you about the third one. It's Hinglish that is widely written and spoken in India. I write in the same language. I am trying hard to get over some unusual phrases but that strange-over polite way is what flows in every Indian blood.

Yes, I am targeting this at the emerging English-speaking market of India and similar countries.

Thanks,
Vishal

Vishal,

This is very difficult. The English is very different. However, when you get over this, the unusual phrases and the strange over-polite way that the characters talk to each-other, the story in interesting. This is a view into a different world from that of my own, different standards and different ways of doing things.

I would love to know more about your intended audience. Are you aiming this at the traditional English speaking world, or the emerging English-speaking market of India and similar countries?

All the best
Warrick