The Siren's Heart

Stumbled upon this while looking for a good read. The cover looked intriguing and the idea behind this is...unique. The description of her feeding (I assume this is a vampire story with a twist?) was neat and the fact she has to feed on something similar to life force rather then blood is unusual. Kali is fresh and her sinister power allows for you to take this story in any direction. Though I am tired of vampire-like stories, this book definitely has my attention.

Backing this.

-Helena Cross
THE LAST WYVERN

Dear Eden,

It's been said that a key to writing a successful novel is to base it on an archetype--a myth, say, or a fairy tale that has stood the test of time. Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, Cinderella. You can't miss with the sirens, whose lure was so strong that Ulysses had to tie his sailors down as their vessel passed them. In a word, Eden, you've chosen wisely. And the salty humor of "The Siren's Heart" frees it from the musty vampire genre. Kali is a fresh, unique character. Her sinister power opens doors to endless possibilities.

Your writing, too, is clear and economical. You know your craft, and that goes a long way with this old editor. A simple line like "Her silence had always driven him nuts" has a certain eloquence.The style is well suited to the subject matter, the characters, and the prospective audience. I intend to back your novel after keeping a few promises.

Meanwhile, I hope you'll take a look at "The Doctor of Summitville," a realistic, edgy love story set in an American country town around 1930. Nearly 500 authors have been surprisingly complimentary. If you like the book, I'd much appreciate your support to help it keep its place during the editors' review.

Best of luck with your extraordinary novel, Bill

I read up to chapter 5 then came back today reading up to 12, if this book was about vampires I would not read it, fed up to the (front teeth with them) pardon the pun. Quite a good fantasy read this, with a good story line, to be honest I like to find the odd mistake but sadly I could not, so well written and plenty going on to keep the reader busy, well worth reading all chapters to know what happens at the end. very high stars from me.

Portraits Of A Small Peasant...Phil. P.S will put this book on my best read books page.

The Siren’s Heart

Ch 25

Rhane doesn’t want to talk about last night straight away, so they have breakfast together. Kali decides she should show him the truth, and the chapter ends just as she is about to do so.

I like the extended battleship metaphor at the start of this.

“gently caressing” I think you could lose the “gently”, because it would be difficult to do it roughly. You already have “timidly” anyway, so I think the sentence would be okay without.

“condemned her in his eyes.” I’d like this better without “in his eyes” on the end, so it’s just the idea of condemning her, but you might want to keep the original meaning.

“She accepted it.” Ah, that’s very good. He offers, she accepts - but it’s a smile. Great!

Bit of a cliffhanger here…

Ch 26

Kali would like to distract Rhane from doing the dishes or having to call her parents. At the end of the chapter (which is a little saucy!), a stranger turns up in Rhane’s house.

I like the sentence “Bright and unblemished…” but I wonder if pureness should be purity. I don’t even know if there’s a difference, tbh.

This is a really boring point, but when you count floors of a building, you don’t include the basement, I don’t think. I’d say it goes - Basement, Ground Floor, First Floor, Second etc. So if it has a third floor it’s pretty huge and the basement doesn’t add a floor.

Not much to comment on here, all good and I’m looking forward to finding out who the intruder is. At this point, I’m wondering if he has something to do with the canine.

Lucy

The Siren’s Heart

Ch 24

So, that’s who Rhane is! I won’t put it here though, but questions are being answered and things are starting to fit together…

There’s hardly anything to comment on here!

In the first sentence, it’s a bit odd to describe a thing as enormous, but still smaller than something else. I’d say “..and only slightly smaller than a bear”, maybe, or, better, just two big things that it’s bigger than. That now wins the prize for the most boring point I’ve ever made about a book.

“Did you sleep well?” I like this, Rhane’s funny!

Lucy

The Siren’s Heart

Ch 23

Kali and Rhane both try to deal with the morning after, but have not faced each other yet. Kali isn’t sure where she is, and Rhane has some cleaning up to do.

“whiff of his scent.” I’m not used to seeing “whiff” as a verb. I’d only use it as a synonym (sort of) for a smell.

“She mulled her situation.” I think this ought to be “mulled over”. Mulling on its own sounds like something you’d do with wine.

I like the first use of the word “buffet” in the chapter, but I think the second, where Kali has woken up in someone else’s bed, is too much of a repeat too close to the first.

“The pair of pasties that clung to her boobs..” Huh?

“But the fabric’s heavy appearance was false.” Instead of false, misleading would be closer to what you mean, I think. It’s appearance can’t really be false.

At this point, I’m going to acknowledge bits that have confused me. I’m sure that this is because I haven’t read the whole book yet - but I thought it might be useful to have an idea of where a reader might be at this point. These are not criticisms.
Firstly, this chapter suggests that Kali must have killed boys before. I’m not clear how she deals with this, either practically or emotionally.
Secondly, Rhane seems to know she’s a siren but also seems surprised and is weakened when she attacks him.
And then, I’m not sure what the “life force” is that Kali wants. It seems to be easier to access when Rhane is injured, which made me think it was in his blood. But obviously she isn’t a vampire.
Why was some sort of transformation necessary for Kali to attack Rhane? She has been attacking boys just fine until now. I’m guessing there is something special about Rhane, and that this has something to do with it.

In some ways, this is a revealing chapter, especially the flashback to her younger years in school I’m looking forward to finding out the rest.

Lucy

I do have a question. When the fat slob is attacking her in the car, my first thought was that she would find his spark and suck the life out of him. Was it because she was already "full" that she couldn't? Or that she just didn't think about it? Or didn't want his disgusting life force in her? Maybe you mention it later on, but if not, perhaps you could let her think something along those lines.

Sensuality & intimacy is an integral part of Kali's feeding process. Therefore, its not a weapon. To take from her attacker would mean a heated make out session with him, just like with Trevor. Ewwww gross! The thought wouldn't cross her mind. Also, his life force is dark. Kali wouldnt want that inside of her. That's why she doesn't feed on Cal.

The Siren's Heart

Ch 22

The knock at the door reveals a rather unusual guest, who only has one thing on her mind.

“Rhane’s pulsed..” Just a typo - should be “pulse”.

Fistful is sometimes one word like this, although the way you have it works, too.

“rather saw the change” Missing “than”.

“The voice fell silent.” In the paragraph starting with this, you use the word darkness twice so you could consider changing one of them. Also, when Kali first arrives, she says how dark it is. Then the candles blow out and it’s dark. Maybe she should say it’s quite dark or almost dark to give impression it could get darker.

I like that the creature purrs when it speaks.

Sometimes she is an “it” and sometimes a “she”. I think “she” makes it clearer it’s Kali, although I know you want to emphasise her change.

“like wildfire.” I like this. In fact, I like all the description of what Kali does to Rhane. All this action is fun to read!

Lucy

I'm sorry it took me so long, but here I am, ready to comment. I'm not joking when I say that so far, "The Siren's Heart," is my favorite book on this site. Its the type of book that would immediately catch my attention if it were in a store. So obviously, regardless of how I came to read it, I would have gravitated towards it eventually.

Your writing is not only flowy and beautiful, its humorous (at least I thought it was). At times I found myself smiling, or I would randomly laugh. I read up through the fourth chapter and I was so absorbed, that when my husband asked me a question, I didn't even realize it.

A few mistakes I found:

As she (got) dressed --I would remove "got." It sounds better without it.

Soft fingertips brushed her cheek, leaving (the) rest --- you just forgot the word "the."

watched the (screen) absently ---you had "screened.

I do have a question. When the fat slob is attacking her in the car, my first thought was that she would find his spark and suck the life out of him. Was it because she was already "full" that she couldn't? Or that she just didn't think about it? Or didn't want his disgusting life force in her? Maybe you mention it later on, but if not, perhaps you could let her think something along those lines.

Other than those small things, the book is excellent. I am most certainly a fan, and I will definitely be back for more! Once I shift things around on my book shelf, I will add yours to it.

Kerrin Krainis
Wings

Eden one of your strengths is the subtle details in your writing that weave in and further solidify your storyline. Yes there are a few typo's and phrase or too that needs a little build up but the concept and writing overcome these easily. Each chapter is becoming more compelling. Maybe throw a little more humor into the mix so when we come back to horror it kicks twice as hard. Great job again.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

The Siren’s Heart

Ch 20

In the aftermath of what Kali saw in the glass, Rhane is there to pick up the pieces. Kali receives a call from Wes and sets off back to work to make sure she doesn’t get in any more trouble.

“She took a moment to admire his tanned, well-muscled arms…” Kali has just had a bit of a fright and she is easily distracted by the sight of Rhane. This is an excellent way to show us that her siren-ness sort of takes over her other emotions. If she were an ordinary woman, it would be most odd!

“Then she turned on heel” I think “her” is missing, here.

“My father is dead…” This sentence is great! Kali can be a bitch sometimes but in a good way.

Who is Alice? Why is Rhane going to China? That was a bit of a turn of events!

Ch 21

Kali arrives at work and finds something in the basement. And now we know why the book is so-called. Rhane shares his leftovers with a friend, and a knock at the door reveals quite a surprise.

“The search had returned without results.” I’d make this “The search had returned no results.” but it’s a style thing, I guess.

“loitered between obscurity and worth.” Brilliant way of describing succinctly exactly what you mean. Sometimes I’m envious of how well you do that.

Kali spends a lot of time in basements!

Half-jokingly should be hyphenated, and back-to-back could be written like this.

The Siren’s Heart should have a capital on the “t” of “the”, the second time it’s mentioned in this chapter.

“His bad mood fled” and “all thought of anything else fled” are a bit too similar to be so close together.

Has Kali unleashed something here? This is turning out to be much quirkier than I expected from the beginning, which is totally I good thing. Looking forward to the mystery unraveling…

Lucy

I read the first 2 chapters and am pleasantly impressed. I don't read sci-fi, or enjoy any of the popular movies that deal with this type of genre, but I could imagine reading this book in it's entirety. The writing is great, and I thought you snuck the backstory in seamlessly. I have absolutely no critique of your writing, but I did come up with a suggestion--
Re: Para 1, chap 2: "...dumped right into a cemetary that practically resided in the back yard..."
I actually misread the word "resided" as "rear-ended", (for a second), and actually liked that metaphor. A mild suggestion since your word choice works just as well.

Anyway, I give this 6 stars and a space on my shelf--well done.
Caitlin Avery
The Last Cruz

I just finished the prologue and first chapter. You said not to comment on the prologue, so I won't. The first chapter pulled me in, admittedly, though I'm a bit wary that this is how Kalista gets her "strength," but yet it fits perfectly as far as sirens go, so I'm not contesting that. You have managed to take a negative concept and create a sympathetic character in Kalista, which is very tricky. Your writing is fluid and brings up more mysteries as of yet unsolved - I want to continue reading!
(Also, as an interesting side note -she and her boyfriend's nicknames, Kal and Cal, sound the same. Purposeful?)

Hi Eden,
I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth and feel free to disregard what you disagree with.
Prologue
Great first-line hook.
“clinging together more tightly” I’d drop the “more,” as you would have needed to established that they were clinging to give us the context of what “more tightly” actually means. In fact, I would also drop “tightly,” as it’s an unnecessary adverb. “Clinging” implies that it’s a tight hold already.
“You are William. You are the one who called.” I think you need to insert a “said the boy” or “said the man” to clarify who is speaking to whom here.
It might be my personal preference, but I don’t think it’s very effective to introduce your MC as “the man” or “he” without even giving a name. If the reader is to follow this character’s perspective, it distances the reader when he/she doesn’t even know a name or much context about that MC.
“pale body tightly” you used tightly already. Maybe try something different, or drop it completely.
I read the prologue and first chapter. You have a great knack for building suspense and I love the dialogue. The solid dialogue makes for believable characters. You also have some excellent imagery in here. My biggest suggestion is to continue scrubbing for occasional wordiness and unnecessary words. Especially the adverbs and adjectives. In some instances, your writing would be much tighter and impactful by whittling down on these things.
A great start to a story, though. It definitely holds my interest and draws me in. I can see why it’s done so well so far. Best of luck!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

The Siren’s Heart

Ch 19

Kali is frightened by unfamiliar music and goes upstairs to check it out. She screams, and her connection with Rhane means than he races to her rescue. But has she just frightened herself?

“She breathed deep” should be “deeply” because it’s an adverb.

“Suddenly movement flashed and moved towards…” I think this sentence would be better if the movement did something other than move. The flashed is good so perhaps “There was a movement, which suddenly flashed towards..”

It’s a bit weird that she kneels down to use a broom. Surely that would be awkward?

Hyphenate well-tended

“Her expression was a dark invitation.” Love this.

This is mysterious. Kali herself seems to be the woman in the reflection and Rhane recognises her. Going to have to wait for more, but I don’t really want to.

Lucy

The Siren’s Heart

Ch 18

Kali and Rhane’s date comes to a rather unsatisfactory end (for Kali, at least.) She feels isolated and lonely at school the next day, because she doesn’t fit in with the other kids anymore either. She spots something rather unusual on the sports field though. Later, back at home, she looks at the information Mack gave her. Then with no particular intentions, she turns the television on, but sees something else while she is channel-hopping.

I might have thought Rhane would know how old Kali was. He seems to know a lot about her otherwise.

“had been leery”. For me, “leery” means being slightly sexually threatening,. Something an old drunk might do to a young girl passing by. It clearly doesn’t mean that in this case! I guess it means more or less “wary”?

I like a “heaping of salad.”

“contained within,” I found this sentence (starts GPS) hard to understand. I think if you take out the comma, it would be better.

The “kill yourself and win a million dollars” programme is a bit odd. I know it’s a joke, but it seems as though Kali actually sees it, rather than her thinking something like “whatever will they think of next? - Kill yourself and win a million dollars?” when she seems something else along those lines but not quite so dramatic.

Can’t wait to find out about the woman Kali sees on the screen. Is there a connection between her and the artefact? I seem to have got quite far through this book without even realising it!

Lucy

The Siren’s Heart

Ch 17

The date continues but Rhane has another appointment, too. Kali finally seems to be getting her way with him, which is a relief.

“Wait until she figures out she can breathe underwater.” Oooh, exciting!

How does Rhane know she has been underwater for seven minutes? Is he looking at his watch? If judging time is special skill of his, it would be better if he said she’d been under for seven minutes and four seconds (or whatever) to show how precise he can be.

Kali suggests they go for Chinese, which is lucky because that’s where Rhane’s meeting is! I think it needs to be Rhane’s suggestion and clear that he picks the venue.

Things are moving quickly in their relationship and in the plot. There are lots of tantalizing hints about what is to come, and what they both are. I like that Rhane has only loved (?) one girl before. All good, Eden.

Lucy

The Siren’s Heart

Ch 16

Keira and Rhane have their first date, in an unusual location. They both want to find out more about each other, but I feel both of them want something else too.

“spotty on the matter of deadlines..” Oh, don’t we all know how that feels!

Consider started a new paragraph for the sentence “Kali returned to him…”

“with the most saves and the fastest.” I think this could do with clarifying, so that the question “fastest what?” could be more easily answered, if you see what I mean.

I’m intrigued by the identity of Rhane, and what exactly he wants with our siren. I think she has a different agenda entirely. I really like how confident and unapologetic she is about finding him attractive.

Lucy

It feels like this has been edited to the point of perfection...or is this how you write naturally?

So happy that this isn't about Vampires! With that said, what exactly is she? A siren? I've heard the term before but it was usually tied in to mermaids somehow.

Thanks! I wish it came natural! No, this is like the millionth edit! There are a lot of great reviewers on this site, full of helpful advice. And The Siren's Heart as come a long way because of it.

As for Kali being a siren...she's a very different take on the mythology you're probably familiar with. You'd just have to keep reading to find out ;)

Eden

Hi Eden,

I've finished reading your prologue and the first chapter and I really enjoyed it. I will admit that the beginning didn't catch my attention right away but once I started reading the first chapter, I was sold. Kali along with the rest of your characters are very believable, complete with vivid descriptions and great dialogue. I'm really jealous of how you write :) It feels like this has been edited to the point of perfection...or is this how you write naturally?

So happy that this isn't about Vampires! With that said, what exactly is she? A siren? I've heard the term before but it was usually tied in to mermaids somehow. Anyways, you've raised a lot of questions and it makes want to keep reading.

Six stars and the best of luck :)

I’m not sure about calling it “the canine” all the way through. I think it’s obvious it’s a wolf from what’s happened previously, so hiding it doesn’t work.

Lucy

Hold on to that thought, Lucy. This is Rhane's POV. To him, it's really not a wolf.... :)!

The Siren’s Heart

Ch 15

In this chapter, Rhane reaches his destination with a companion in tow, and Keira gets the offer she expects.

Watchin is fine, but should be watchin’.

“he was well out of sight.” This would be clearer as “it was well out of sight” since it’s the pickup Rhane is watching.

“now sat at his feet.” Should be “now sitting…”

“enough lot.” This second lot isn’t necessary. Just a typo.

“over site” should be “oversight.”

I’m not sure about calling it “the canine” all the way through. I think it’s obvious it’s a wolf from what’s happened previously, so hiding it doesn’t work.

I don’t know what the word “bane” means in this context.

“to the wall” Should be “on the wall”.

A few more this time - I’m really trying. I’m fascinated to see the relationship between Rhane and his companion. Are they really able to communicate? Exciting!

Lucy

The Siren’s Heart

Ch 14

This is from Rhane’s POV and he has a close encounter with a canine and another with an officer of the law.

“was severly deterioted” This should be “were severly..” because it’s both sides of the road.

Hyphenate half-eaten and half-grown.

“that special bump..” Yuck!

A short chapter, and really not much to criticise. I promise I’m trying!

Lucy

The Siren’s Heart

Ch 12

In this chapter, the pace changes somewhat as we enter the world of work. But never fear, Kali has an interesting job and works with some great characters. I like the part where Kali doesn’t tell Wes how she is really different from other teenage girls.

“a team environments” Just a typo.

“The wildlife might even enjoy it.” Loved this.

“That’s something people say when they’re disappointed.” So true.

Subtlety isn’t really an adjective, it’s more of an abstract noun. Doesn’t matter much though!

I feel like I’ve learnt more about Kali’s life and the kind of girl she is from this more normal type of day. But nothing is quite what it seems in Kali’s world and there is a mystery on the horizon. This is great writing - you’ve managed to make a relatively ordinary day highly readable through your likeable (and some not so likeable) characters.

Lucy

Sorry it took so long to read and comment on this, Eden! I hope these help.

Prologue::

I don't normally like prologues, but I'll try to set aside my dislike for them to be objective. I don't tend to like them because more often than not, they're cop-outs... most of the information presented could be done within the story itself, so I tend to have a knee-jerk reaction to them.

That said, first thing I noticed was that you avoid naming the character. I'd just go right out and name the guy. You worked so hard to avoid naming him that the intent to avoid naming him in the first paragraph became more important than anything else to me.

After reading through (well written for the most part, few errors) I still stand by I think that the prologue is unnecessary. I'd rather discover these truths in the story, revealed as a part of an ever-lengthening puzzle of discovery for the child and her fate. In short, I don't think there is a single thing here that can't be revealed through clever writing and clever diction/presentation. Just my two cents, but I wasn't particularly hooked by the prologue and I felt it revealed more than I necessarily wanted to know before meeting the real main character(s).

--

Chapter 1::

The first paragraph came across as an information dump for me. I'd see if you can dig right into the characters and describe them feeling the chill of the front rather than telling us it is there (Showing vs Telling)

Perhaps, as a suggestion, you could start with 'Seventeen-year-old Kalista considered killing the boy in front of her. Trevor stuck his tongue out at her before... etcetc. Just something that leads directly into the action and the characters rather than the passive first paragraph. There wasn't anything to hook me about the first paragraph.

You have a good style for description, but I feel that you may have a tendency toward telling rather than showing. For example, "Thanks," she replied with little enthusiasm. Stop there. The next sentence is telling. We know it isn't original based off of her response to his compliment.

As a general comment, it feels like there are missing commas as I'm reading. I'm instinctively trying to pause where there is no comma. Perhaos you may want to consider reading the story out loud to yourself, and adding commas where you naturally hesitate or pause? This might help a bt. (I haven't seen instances of the other way around though, which is good!)

As for the general story line, the plot is starting to look interesting. There is an immediate hint of magic and her use of it, which is interesting.

There is one thing that I had issues with. For personal reasons, I just didn't like Kali right from the start. Her actions just rubbedme the wrong way, and while I can see that she has circumstances, I just couldn't really feel real sympathy for her. Is there a way, maybe, to present the sympathetic side of her and her problem so that even with her cheating on her boyfriend, she is somewhat more sympathetic as she does so? I know this is a tall order to fill, and this is completely subjective, but I just had a hard time liking her as she is.

Chapter 2 ::

The second chapter I found was a lot more interesting. Rozzy was a nice counter point to Kali, which made Kali seema bit more sympathetic. The writing was pretty good, written in a nice YA-type style. The only thing I can really think of to comment on with this section is that you use the same words in some paragraphs. I'd try to vary the vocabulary a little to give the story a little bit more depth. I still don't feel that sympathetic toward Kali, but I've settled down to a cautious tolerance to her.

Plot wise, I'm not really sure where this story is going, but I didn't notice any significant problems, either. One thing I did notice was that there aren't any immediate and apparent stakes; the problem with the boyfriend from the first chapter was resolved by their breaking up, and she's stated quite clearly that she isn't interested in getting back together to him, so, that said.. where is the conflict? I think that some immediate conflict or some situation in this chapter is needed for a good hook. Your characters are coming and going pretty quickly (brief encounters of the familial type), so I'm finding it hard to get settled and hooked into the reading.

That said, you have a good writing style. I enjoy the way your characters interact, but I just feel that there needs to be a bit more mystery, a bit more excitement, and a bit more edge. The conflicts and situations are resolved so quickly that they don't leave me really, really wanting to know more. I think it could be little things, like her more actively worrying about her hunger.. or her even being tempted to target her family members with it; something that is a little more in-your-face to help establish more mood and conflict. I think that all you need in terms of actual writing skill is to read the story out loud a few times and catch the places where the sentences could flow better.

I hope that these comments are helpful; I'm going to watch list this in hopes of being able to read more in a bit!

The Siren’s Heart

Ch 11

Kali’s day starts badly as a dream causes her to over-sleep. She is late for work but her speeding doesn’t help her get there any faster as she blows her tyre out. But help is at hand again and her day gets a lot better. There’s a date coming up and maybe we’ll find out more about Rhane.

“The dream was exactly the same from the night before.” Should be “as the night before“, I think.

“Seeing a handicapped sign…made her madder.” Huh? Kali doesn’t like disabled people? Or does she expect them to drive in some other way than able-bodied people?

I’d spell it “tyre” not “tire” but that might be because of where we’re from.

“gave a sickened twist.” This is quite a strong reaction to a forgotten mobile, even if Kali is late for work!

“translucent in the sunlight.” This is a bit hard to picture. You seem to be saying his eyes let light through them. So, she can see behind his eyes, sort of?

There’s some nice flirting going on here! I enjoyed reading this. Can’t wait to see where it is going. I think I’d even let Kali take my car too…I am enjoying every bit of this story. Rhane keeps turning up but somehow I never expect it.

Lucy

Ch 10

Goodness, what a good opening line. This is a short chapter, and the mystery man helps Kali out of trouble by remembering what Kali forgot - Greg’s car. I can’t find anything to criticise at all. You know I’ll have tried! It’s got a touch of that nice humour of yours, too. Great chapter, I enjoyed it.

Lucy

Ch 9

The pizza guy comes and Kali is in for a surprise. Hardly anything in this chapter to find even the smallest fault with. I was as surprised by who delivered the meal as Kali.

Consider hyphenating “purple-socked.”

“He was a different kind of predator, one that she wanted to hunt.” I like!

“Kali didn’t want this guy or anyone else’s pity.” Maybe should be “guy’s”.

Using hotter to mean angry is a bit confusing in a part where you also mean it as attractive.

Is it a bit weird to say you're not much of a vegetarian? Surely you either are one or you're not? Still, it's in direct speech so it depends what you think mystery man ought to say :)

This is clearly no ordinary boy. A much better match for our siren!

Lucy

Eden,

We agree about the rape stuff, really. I’m glad we talked about it.
This looks like a long list, but I enjoyed the chapter and read it twice to pick up little errors. It’s a pleasure to comment on your short, enjoyable and easy to read chapters.

Ch 9

Kali starts her date with Cal, but it goes wrong quickly. Cal isn’t the nice guy her parents think he is and their different ideas for Kali’s future cause big problems.

“taunt stomach” Should be “taut.” Just a typo. Also same parents’ room apostrophe as the last chapter.

I like the image of Kali just poking her head round their door, so they can’t see what she’s wearing. She’s a realistic teenage girl!

“Sometimes they never stopped working.” This is fussy, but the “sometimes” disagrees with the “never.” I’d make it “Sometimes it seemed like they never stopped working.”

I haven’t seen the word “misapplies” before. I like the idea that the parents drop a little “lawyer speak” into their dealings with the kids.

“..their second year anniversary.” Again, fussy but all anniversaries happen at annual intervals, so the “year” is unnecessary. People who talk about one week anniversaries (or whatever) are misusing the word.

“I got a slow leak, Kal,” I don’t know what this means. Also, he calls her Kal, which is weird because that’s his name too. I like that though. It makes me think, why not?

“..in slight disbelief” I don’t think the “slight” helps with the meaning.

“blanch white.” The “white” is unnecessary. Something which blanches goes white.

I don’t like Cal at all! If only Kali’s parents could see what he was really like. I love the ending of the chapter. It’s a great example of how you lull the reader into thinking they are reading real life teen stuff, and then there’s a wolf. Very cool.

Lucy

Your pitch drew me in, your opening sequence locked my attention (Wow! What a hook!), and the rest of the story led me by the nose, and I was in chapter 4 before I realized it. =)
This is a truly stupendous book. Your prose is lively, the action is exhilerating, and the way you write is fluid. I can tell that this has been polished by how well it shines! It gets many stars from me, and I'll be coming back to finish reading this. =)

Congrats!
Tamara

... Rape is serious and this isn’t. I’d be careful of making light of it, although I recognise that this is Kali’s experience and may be the way Kali chooses to cope with what almost happened to to her.

You're right. Rape is serious. There's nothing funny about it, just like there's nothing funny about death. And yet, sometimes when a person has a near death experience they crack jokes to deal with it because they "almost" died. Humor is a very natural human way of coping with stress. In this story, Kali was not raped. She had a close call. And to deal with the stress of that incident, she mentally reassured herself with humor. Kali will do this a lot throughout this story.

Ch 8

Kali and Rozzy manage to hide the truth about the night before from their parents, and then Kali receives a couple of phone calls. One is from her boss, asking her to work and the other is from Cal. He wants to go out again but Kali isn’t sure it’s for the best.

“parent’s door..” Assuming Greg and Lisa have the same room, it should be parents’.

“tub of butter flavoured lard..” Rape is serious and this isn’t. I’d be careful of making light of it, although I recognise that this is Kali’s experience and may be the way Kali chooses to cope with what almost happened to her.

“the prior night.” Most people would say “the night before”, wouldn’t they? It seems a simpler way of saying exactly the same thing, to me. Prior night seems unnecessarily stilted, like something a police officer might say.

“even to herself.” Should be “even to her.” because the sentence doesn’t mention Kali (or her or she) in it already.

The paragraph near the end, starting “Kali laughed…” is a bit confusing. Just at the end, it’s not clear that Kali is speaking to Cal, rather than it being more from her mom. I’d just split it up.

The siren aspect has still not come back to the fore, so I’m hoping that Cal proves to be a temptation to Kali. And you’ve left us wondering about the mysterious stranger too. There’s a lot to come back for!

Lucy

Ch 7 (actually I think it’s your Ch6, because of your prologue.)

Kali is back at home and spends an ordinary breakfast time with Lisa. They get to talking about the family, and Lisa reveals something about the past that Kali didn’t know.

Kali wakes up and doesn’t recognise where she is. For that question to “pound relentlessly” I’d have thought that this state must carry on for some time. But all she had to do was open her eyes, because she’s somewhere she’d recognise straightaway.

“oiled painting” should be “oil painting”, I think.

I like the detail about the finches. It adds nice depth to Kali’s personality.

“aberrant images..” This is just a personal dislike, so feel free to ignore - but it reads a bit unnaturally and thesaurus-y. You don’t have much in your writing like this, though, and most writers (including me) have a lot. It’s so tempting to write in this way.

Stop describing food! You’re too good at it and it makes me hungry. “endangered breakfast..” and “ashes of the dead” are both very good, and add to the humour in this chapter.

“That’s all Lisa.” Needs a comma before Lisa.

“For awhile..” I’d write this as “a while” rather than make it compound in this way, although I don’t know why or what the difference is. The second “awhile” (when Lisa is talking about the serving dish), however, seems okay.

“A hesitant pause..” All pauses are hesitant.

This is a break from the danger, violence and mystery in the previous chapters. I like the gentle humour and the way you’ve built up the relationship between Kali and Lisa. They are believable and it’s nice to see Kali in her home environment again. The skill is in combining the normal and the supernatural and chapters like this show how good you are at it.

Lucy

Hi Eden,

here are my comments on the second chapter. See my overall comments on your book in my previous comment.

She turned her head quickly to the right.
-too much detail, does it matter which direction she looked in?

Stop talking to yourself.
-The section with her talking to herself already feels unnatural so why do you draw attention to it? I think it would be better to make everything she says to herself simply the unspoken thoughts in her head.

cleaning took place, it was A barter done for...

“Moses pissed ON the floor…AGAIN!”

“Did something happen earlier? Your reaction downstairs was a little over the top—EVEN for you.”
-??

She waved her hand in THE air like she was anxious to change the subject.

“It’s as good as sex. Don’t you want some?”
-perhaps a little direct for this target group, also not the most obvious thing for a girl to say to her sister

from an ulterior motive. Kali just wouldn’t find out what THAT was until later.
-avoids the repetition

SHE was a bit overdressed for dinner with the ‘rents.
-her attire can’t be overdressed – her attire is the overdressing

Rosalyn got her looks mostly from her mother, though she RELIGIOUSLY chose to keep her naturally curly locks straightened
-they’re not religiously straightened, she chooses to do it religiously

Kali, you MUSTN’T be alone at a time like this.

“Whatever, Dad,” Rozzy said rolling her
- First comma

“Right,” Kali SAID, resisting another barb.
-she’s not really agreeing with anything here.

best of luck,

Benedict

Hey Eden,
A great start, and a really interested premise. I like your description of Kali (curvy! Athletic! Dark! And very much a femme fatale, rather than typical 'nice girl') All very lovely, and all very different from the typical skinny, pale protagonist. Great stuff.
A few suggestions, take it or leave it:
"almost eagerly shuffled aside-" I'd probably change this to just "eagerly" (remove the almost).
"it's all right. You have done well. She will be ok." - this dialogue feels a bit choppy.
"athletically toned" is a bit redundant- maybe consider either "athletic figure" or "toned figure"
"dark beauty looks"- probably should be just "dark beauty"

You're grammar's great, the premise is original, and Kali is a fascinating character. She obviously lives by her own rules, and doesn't seem to mind too much what others say. She's different, and mysterious. I'm looking forward to reading more!
Elspeth (paragon)

As requested, here's my Yarg review.

I've gone all out with corrections including a complete re-write of your opening as you seemed to want something drastic. Obviously they are just suggestions.

Overall I liked your characters and ideas and the mixing of the fantasy and teen elements. Your sub-vampiric plot is very good and more original than another fang-based novel! I particularly liked your treatment of Kali's dark powers and their sexual overtones.

Here are my close comments.

Opening paragraph -
The girl’s scream reached him even from outside. The man stepped into the dorm. Wind and death followed closely at his back. Hollow-eyed students turned one by one to see him. Fear had disfigured their youthful faces, turning them into horrific masks. A few of them wept, clinging together more tightly as the next anguished cry echoed into the night. The man flinched at the sound and prepared to switch off his emotions. His kind was not supposed to feel.
-without changing it drastically, I felt this worked better.

The sound of the girl’s pain was becoming more tortured by the second.
-is it the sound or the pain which is getting more tortured???

“I SAW horrible things. I did horrible things.

The grey tint that had CONSUMED HER receded as the color of her...

You use too many adverbs after dialogue tags, I say knowingly. :-) I've read books which say you should never qualify a speech tag with an ly adverb as the information in the adverb should be implicit to the reader or spelled out in another manner. e.g She smiled at her father shakily, / she said sadly etc.

waited anxiously, some of them CLEARLY grateful to see
- overtly is too formal

have so much power and still be powerless, that was irony.
I didn't buy this sentence. It felt overwritten and in fact not that ironic. It's more like a pathetic helplessness he is stuck with than irony

spur-of-the-moment weekend getaway TO the beach.

Not far AWAY, on the other side of the patch of dense forest,
= away and 2 commas

own, as black and SHINY as a

The young woman turned to her father, TRANSFORMING her entire face INTO a question.

STARING at nothing
- delete blankly

The trees had hidden him from VIEW. The little girl RETURNED to her tower
- 2 sentences plus other changes

In the small town of Ridge Creek, South Carolina, a typical FALL DAY

different. A cold front blown in from the north had made the weather THERE
- avoid repetition

least for high school girls, it made for that RARE opportunity to show off

while her mind focused all its energy ON rigid concentration.

“You have good upper body strength,”
- not very romantic

Ample curves APPEARED FROM nowhere to fill out Kali’s athletically toned figure,

complementing her already DARK LOOKS. People were constantly mistaking her FOR A COLLEGE STUDENT. Standing at five feet NINE...

She looked at him THROUGH lowered lashes

“OH MY GOD, you tramp! What did you do?”

painstaking detail with which she was eating a stale slice of pizza.
- how is this possible?

I slapped my science teacher and almost got expelled.
- bit too strong if you want us to like her


End of first chapter,

I'll post my second chapter comments tomorrow when I'm not falling asleep. Hope they're helpful.

Benedict

Hi Eden,

This is a very competent start and I am suitably impressed. There we no moments of "hang on, that doesn't make sense", from either a grammatical or content point of view, and it was pleasurable to read with a steady unassuming pace.

Your characters were all quite likeable and believeable, and it was nice to see the avoidance of cliche in your writing. Both from my own impression and the comments I have scanned I think this should be a guaranteed hit with the YA demographic and your decision to have a siren as your main character is a stroke of near genius as it makes your work stand out.

After all the high praise, and honestly, after three chapters there's little else, I suppose I should throw in the one thing that didn't sit quite right with me. In the prologue your use of "the girl" and "the man" just didn't quite read right. Could just be me but it seemed out of place somehow.

Anyway, highly starred from me. YA maybe but if I picked this book up somewhere I would read it from start to finish if the first three chapters are anything to go by even if it isn't my usual read.

Good luck with this Eden, but I think you've done enough hard work to make the luck part far less of a factor than it is for most.

Best wishes,

James

Ch 6

This is very brief, which might be a relief to you!

I’m unclear how Kali could see the trees if there wasn’t adequate light to see her hands or feet.

I didn’t find much to comment on in this chapter. It’s a dream sequence which I’m not keen on usually, although I can see the relevance this has to the story, since she has just been saved in reality.

I wonder if there has been a bit too much of a departure from Kali’s siren-ness. You haven’t mentioned it for a couple of chapters and I’m hoping to see it back. But I’ll wait and see, of course!

The descriptions of the chase, the creature and Kali’s rescue in this chapter are all very nicely done.

Lucy

Eden,

That’s a very nice new front cover! I’m rather envious.

Ch 5

Kali’s rescue continues and there is a mysterious link between her and the stranger. He returns her to her home, taking a risk as he does so.

“…that was his vehicle.” This part of the sentence is unnecessary, especially if you call it “his pickup.”

“It had seen better days before this one.” I don’t think you need “before this one.” It had seen better days is a stand-alone expression.

“The breaks squealed…” Should be “brakes.”

Hyphenate two-car garage.

“…was almost on his doorstep.” This is a bit peculiar, since he is almost on Kali’s actual doorstop.

“…wanted her to awake.” Possibly “wanted her to wake.” would work better.

Who is linked to our siren? It’s good to have a different POV in this chapter. Very read-able and straightforward but full of mystery too.

Lucy

Ch 4

Kali finds herself in a scary situation, much worse than what happened in the cinema. She is rescued again by the handsome stranger.

“Relax, she told herself.” Perhaps consider putting “Relax” into italics, since it’s her thought and follows her other thought just before.

“What a horrible way to start off the weekend.” This seems a bit flippant if Kali considering the situation Kali is in.

“Even while slipping into shock, Kali was able to appreciate his hotness.” I’m not sure if this is plausible. I think “his hotness” is part of the problem with the sentence. Maybe something like “Even while slipping into shock, Kali was amazed to realise she still felt something stir inside her as she looked at him.” Okay, that’s rubbish - but something to acknowledge she’s surprised by how she feels?

Poor Kali! Is there a connection between the unpleasant man and the wolf from the cemetery? Only one way to find out!

Lucy

Eden,

Ch 3

In this chapter, Kali goes to see a film and a mystery man rescues her from an encounter with a pervert who wants to sit next to her. Kali is quite disconcerted to realise what affect this mystery man has on her, and he seems to take it all in his stride.

“as if he was mad at anyone who didn’t eat for a living.” I like this!

“It oddly occurred to her..” This might be simpler as “It occurred to her, oddly, that…”

Kali is no helpless maiden so I like that you‘ve put that contrast in. She isn’t what she seems.

“her would be rescuer…” Maybe hyphenate would-be.

“he sat observing the screen…” I think “observing” is a strangely formal way of describing watching a film. Possibly that’s what you intended though.

Who is this guy? Kali doesn’t usually feel like this! Looking forward to more….

Lucy

Eden;
I have only been able to read the first few chapters of your book but am totally engaged in the story already.
You have a very natural way of phrasing and keeping the reader in suspense. I loved how you developed your main character Kali and the beings around her.
I will definitely get back to it soon. In the meantime I highly stared your work and might find a place on my bookshelf soon. Please be so kind and take a look at Ella In Between and share your thoughts.
Until soon;
Great Job
Elke

I really loved this story! The prologue is fantastic with brilliant atmosphere. It hooked me immediately and in the first chapter things only get better. Great characterisation and I think you did the dialogue between Kali an Cal very well. I loved the premise of a Siren's heart and the story really delivers.
You seem to have natural talent.
Best of luck!

Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance

What a page turner, I'm hooked.The storyline is brilliant and such a great idea.
You have presented it well and the whole idea of Kali having to feed off others was covered beautifully.
The argument in the first chapter was brilliantly written. You have really made the story and the character come to life. Great for young adults and great for me.
I would have liked to have read more than a few chapters but I've got a list as long as my arm.
Great writing, no sign of edits. Already going far.
Highly starred
Junetee(Four Corners)

Eden,

This seems to have taken me a long time! Sorry about that.

Ch 2

Kali misses the bus and takes a short cut through a cemetery. Never a good idea, of course. She is chased by a wolf. We learn that she is adopted by parents she calls Greg and Lisa. We also find out about her relationship with the rather wild, irresponsible older sister.

“another pursuer else” I think the word “else” might have snuck in accidently.

“No the heck they weren’t” There’s too many negatives for me to get the meaning, although I do know what you mean, so maybe it doesn’t matter.

“What she got was a fistful of air.” What a great way of describing that her bag is gone.

“Since Rozzy was the oldest…” If there’s only the two of them, she’s the older.

Moses is a girl cat? I like it!

“Nothing was simply called black anymore.” So true… Also, I’m hungry for disaster cake now.

I like rents but I think it should be ‘rents to help anyone unfamiliar with it.

Great chapter, good to get more background on our siren. I will be back for more.

Lucy :)

Again thanks for continuing to post more of this very original story. Just as last time read all 5 chapters in one setting- staying up way past when I should be in bed. Very much looking forward to continue reading. Desi

Here's my YARG review:
I've read the first seven chapters so far, and I aboslutely love this- it's exactly my kind of thing, genuinely original YA paranormal fantasy. A welcome alternative from vampires and werewolves, I can see this fitting comfortably within the genre. The opening is great- gripping, chilling, and moving, doubtless foreshadowing what is to come. Your prose flows seamlessly, with few errors I could detect. Kali is a believable teenage girl, with realistic concerns such as relationships with family, boyfriends, etc- but with a supernatural twist, which I love. I don't think I've ever encountered a siren in YA fantasy before, and I read a lot of it!
The supporting characters are believable, too, and the dialogue is great. Overall, this reads just as a book for teens should, without overly indulgent descriptions or exposition to slow down the narrative. Two of my favourite parts were the encounter with the wolf in the graveyard in chapter 2 and the scene with the fat man in the car in chapter 4- both were gripping, and had me on the edge of my seat!
I'm going to have to keep this one on my watchlist as I definitely want to read the rest of it- I may have to make space on my bookshelf, too, because this really is something special. Good luck, and I hope this does well!
Emma

This is an interesting read. Very well written and certainly grabbed my interest. Good start.

Alecia :)

Hi, Eden,
I typed up an evaluation on word but could not cut and paste. Argh! I'm having such a hard time with this on Authonomy. Anyway, expect typos-lots of them.

I read the prolgue and first chapter and skipped around because you have posted a great amount. I will tell you, on Sunday, I plan to read the next 2 chapters and take it slow.

I notice you have an eye for detail in your writing without over doing it. Many new writers, I included, sometimes fail to realize that every action, every thought or coversation has a reaction. He does not drop his gaze unless there is a reason for it--thus, showing the reader a deeper side of the character. She does not flinch because she is accustom to his outburst. Her outter cold persona is meditated by her internal thoughts. You've handled all thisperfectly.

I think this is as good as it gets before submission. I do have a few suggestions. Here goes:

You used the word ghoulish in that opening paragragh.. I do not think these students are ghosts and the word is not correctly used. It made me pause and say wait a minute. Maybe simplify and say the man 's dark and empty eyes lacking life frighten them. Too much literary afluence is good, but nowadays its commercial writing that is selling in the YA market. "The trend is your friend until it bends." You do however have a good balance between the two. Sometimes one has to sacrifice quality. I know I sure did.
Next: "A few of them wept, , , " Why???? I would flip this sentence around. First, they heard the echoes of cries, then they wept and huddled together trying to comfort their fears among each other.

Next: I think, not sure, I understand the mystery for this opening but we know not why this hollow eyed man is to be feared. The last 3 sentences of that first paragragh is a perfect ending to tie it together..but it needs a dash of clairty or those agents will read the rest with that kind of hmm...understand me?

Next: Her cries? You explain latter that 'her' is his daughter. Why not say it right then and there? It does not need to be an element of surprise, It is a conflict that will create suspense later as the situation unravels and he leaves her in the end. Also, first sight of her you mentioned her hair hid her beauty---not in those words, but the silent character, the author, just poked her nose in and gave us her thoughts in the way it was worded. I would delete it becuase when he gazes upon her in the end, his thoughts are about her beauty. So we already see it through his eyes and not the silent character.

Okay, i do suck at edting,,,so I am not going there. I read for clarity and purpose and order and structure. Plot driven, character developement with commercial appeal is my style and this has all of that. I am fairly certain you are on your way. YA is a highly demanded market. Send out those queries, and keep improving on those small areas I mentioned. This is acceptable as is in terms of writing and submission quality. I do not need to read more to know. It's obvoius. Though, I will read on for pleasure unless you want more feedback from me. HIghly starred all the way through..
Nancy

So long over due Eden but you are on the shelf for a tremendous job with "The Siren's Heart". I will still read on and provide review. In kind I hope you do too.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"