A Rush to Judgment

Hell, my friend, you have got to hustle more. I have just read some of the smartest, sharpest, snappiest wiseass dialogue I've come across on this whole site.

I read the first chapter. It's long. Nothing inherently wrong with that, but I'd suggest that Authonomy favours shorter chapters (only because they're easier to get through) - although I'll admit having a murder committed, investigated and solved in chapter 1 is pretty impressive. A great, punchy, gripping 'prologue' (in italics), and then we're into a police procedural as smart as anything I've seen on American TV. And the revelation about Mustapha's son was very well handled and moving.

This is great writing. Fantastic detail, and the dialogue just sparkles. Like I said, it reminded me of the very top end of US TV cop drama, and I mean that as a compliment. I found myself liking these characters as I enjoyed a damn good read. All the characters are sharply defined. The whole thing feels polished.

I'm going to keep you on my watchlist. Really, I should be backing this - but that would feel just a little bit corny, right now. But seriously, Jeremy - get out there and sell this mother! It is GOOD.

I'll probably be back in a day or three to put it on my shelf.

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

I haven't read much - it's nearly 3am here and i need some sleep. But have backed already as I know from the first half chapter I'm going to like reading it - awesome.

Regards

Martyn Eaves - Extracting the Truth

With all these comments, I don't think anything I have to say would be very original, so I'll just say that apart from a few spelling a grammer mistakes, I could see nothing wrong with this. I only got a few chapters in, but I enjoyed it, and I'll try to find the time to read the rest of it some time. For now its going on my bookshelf.

DK

A few things stand out in chapters one-three, mostly good, with one area of needed improvement.

What I liked: The gritty, fast paced writing style and the way you let the characters move the story forward by use of dialogue, which is as it always should be in a crime thriller. Liked Fat Chuckie, and the back and forth about his weight loss, and to a lesser extent Diana and Mustapha's banter.

Needs improvement: Lose the prologue. Melissa's narcissism adds nothing to the story and this scene comes across as an alien segment, tossed in only for shock value.

Hi Jeremy,

I read your first three chapters.

You've written a wickedly entertaining police procedural.

Your characterizations of Diana and Mustapha show them to be talented and smart and hurmorous, but very different. You've given them flaws and problemed pasts, and unresolved issues. All of which points to considerable drama (above and beyond solving crimes). You've made sure to use your narrative voice to reveal each character's hidden thoughts and inner-most feelings.

Your descriptions evocative as well as vivid. For example, 'The music swept over them like a wave of multicolored honey' or 'the scent of quality dope hung heavily in the cold air.' Sound, smell, taste, and temperature. Masterful, Jeremy.

Your dialogue is crisp and witty on occassion. And kind and compassionate on other occassions (Diana reacting to the news of Peter is a good case in point). Your conversations flow smoothly and are a delight to read.

Your pacing drew me in and held my attention.

Some suggested edits.

". . . got all the cash from the fifty bucks they're charging people to walk through the door on New Years Eve." 'New Years Eve' should be 'New Year's Eve.'

"Uh... at approximately three minutes after midnight," When using ellipsis dots separate them from the text with a space. Same thing with "I'm K.K... Kevin Kerwin?" There are more cases of this type of problem in your first three chapters.

Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness.

There are minor lapses and didn't interfer with my tremendous enjoyment of your well-polished story.

Good luck with this book which I have backed.

Al

PS: Might I ask you to read and review SAVANNAH PASSION?

Well-written and fast-paced, needs some editing and corrections (what doesn't?), but the main problem I have is that your pitch gives the impression that the main story is about what happens at the Mothers Union, and we don't come to that until almost the end of Chapter Three. That is too much lead-in time and space. I think those first chapter should be cimpressed into one chapter or less, maybe leaving out some the idle chatter and personal stuff which is all very well written but I think distracts from where you are headed. In fact, maybe the problem is that you actually have two books here, one about New Year's Eve in which maybe we could hear more about Melissa, and one about the Mothers Union. You are obviously talented, I would love you to critique "The Cobra and the Mongoose" and get your take on my syle. I'm putting you on my Watchlist. Jan

Wow--I used to live in Atlanta and this felt like I was back! Very witty dialogue and all that Southern charm. It's on my SHELF where it belongs!

Detailed notes in your inbox.

Hi Jeremy,

I got a chance to read the first couple of chapters of your MS, finally.

Nice tight writing. This feels like an american detective story in the vein of Robert B. Parker. The dialogue is well done except for this piece:

“Right, right. But it’s all wrong. Clubs? Up and down the block? Getting robbed like this?”
“Sure, Mr. Kerwin. What we’re here to deal with.”

The second sentence could be reworked a bit.

I like it. I think that it is highly marketable. I'm shelving it.

I know that you had a chance to look at my MS (you were the first to comment on it). I've updated it since then. If you get a chance take a look at the updated version.

Best wishes,
Chris
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?pg=4&bookid=4441

believale dialogue- promises to be a great southern fried crime story~ mebbe like Kiss the Girls?

Howzit Jeremy,

A Rush to Judgement.......oh alright, I'll spell it the American way, A Rush to Judgment is on my bookshelf.

Difficult for me to provide you with an intelligent critique, because I don't read today's fast-moving, mainstream stuff and I would only be messing with you.

Much more comfortable with Huckleberry Finn.

There is nothing wrong with the writing. Straight forward, matter of fact, fast and furious. The opposite would be belaboured writing, bloated, full of explanations, and so on. You are confident and know what you are doing. I cannot write like that.

I did wonder at your pitch and synopsis. I have been published before and what I understand is that no blurbs are permitted. Editors want a succint summary which means a beginning, a middle and an end.

Yes, editors need to know how the story ends. This is not the blurb we are used to on dust jackets of published books. An Edinburgh literary agent chewed my head off over this.

Once bitten, twice shy.

You are climbing fast with this, much faster than I did. But competition is murderous. Don't weaken.

Go well with your work.

All the best.

Pierre.

Hi Jeremy,
I’ve just read the first three chapters and I’ve enjoyed this fast-paced romp through the mean streets of Atlanta. I particularly like all the little details that bring the characters and the story to life – Mustapha resolving to start smoking on NYE’s, the stuttering club manager, the dead guy in the space suit scared away by a drag queen, the cops hiding in the carpark at midnight to avoid the bullets, the cop who stays with his boyfriend for the blueberry muffins! I also like Chucky the criminal going on the Atkins diet to lose all that weight and his rave about the fructose syrup being more addictive that crack. The family scenes with Grace and her ex-husband are good, because it helps us get to know her – so many cop shows are all about the crimes, and the odd romance, so it’s a great insight.

Couple of questions: I really like the way you portray the mirror ball collapsing on Melissa and the way they are off their heads but I was surprised when Diana said the girl was stoned. Try ecstasy with that super-loving feeling going on – wouldn’t a street-smart cop know that? Michelle Phuong – did you know that Phuong is usually a girl’s first name in Vietnam? (It means Phoenix)
The famousest person in Atlanta (Diana sounds more educated than that. Most famous)

Anyway, it’s working well and your characters stayed with me overnight, popping into my head, so it's on the shelf.

Cheers,

Heather

Jeremy

Read the first chapter, and although I feel a little out of my element critiquing this, I'll just say: I liked it. The characters and dialogue drew me in, and I agree with a few others that it seems like a top shelf police show put down on the page. I would cut down on the overt descriptions of all the characters when we first meet them -- it starts to feel mechanical -- this is fast paced and I will read further. So...it goes on my shelf.

Mark

Howzit Jeremy,

Thanks for your response. Watchlisting now. Will read this coming week. Go well. Pierre.

In the middle of chapter 6 (just bookmarking for myself)

Hey Jeremy

Like it. Opening with that tasteful lesbian hottie action - what's not to like? I also like that Melissa doesn't (seem to) get killed - although it's left open - and the effect is to make me want to find out what happens to her..

You're big on dialogue which is as it should be and from my first reading I think it's pitch perfect - and now for a couple of gratuitous niggles - the one bit where I got stuck was where Krista goes into 8too much?) detail about the Matrix I which I don't know if you need right there.

Also in the italicized opening "where there was empty space under..." I reckon you don't need to say there was empty space cos' if there wasn't she couldn't have gone there - better to just say ".. of the dance floor underneath the.." etc.

Anyway I want to read more so I'm WLing it with a view to reading some more then backing it the next couple of days.

Best,

Freddie

My gosh, Jeremy, what an opening.
The Mother`s Union in the UK is all about jam-making so this is a very different take...I liked the split narrative, and was interested in your choice of a largely female-focused novel. When I read the synopsis I(lots of action /political subject highly commercial) I was interested to see if you could pull it off. Answer: it`s on my bookshelf.
Best of luck,
Ruth

Hi Jeremy.
This is a great ms. Spunky, gritty, hard-hitting, full of drama and action. You handle the humour and horror well and your characters are totally believable. I breezed through two chapters with hardly a pause and I would certainly read this if it was published.
I'm going to make a few specific comments and you'll have to bear with me, because I'm coming from an English perspective and your writing is so totally US!
Pitch: Secrets of the Mothers' Union? *Are* there any? Or is Mothers' Union a euphemism?
I wonder if you really need the initial passages to be in italics? Why not leave the type normal and just separate it from the next bit with asterisks? If you want to leave it as is, then I believe the convention is to have stressed words in normal type rather than underlined.
I got that Melissa was stoned, but would she *really* think she could see her eyes reflected in the minute mirrors of the disco ball?
'Someone else screamed..' I didn't think anyone had screamed before? Leave out the 'else', it's punchier.
'A sharp cloak of tinkle.' Excuse me??
How can Diana hug her coat around her and still have her hands in her pockets?
I'm sorry, Jeremy, but I can't stand the word 'shined', it's dreadful. What's wrong with 'shone'? It's worked perfectly well for hundreds of years!
I think you should cut 'unsynchronized', it felt like an add-on.
'He grinned at her, quite,'..is this an Americanism? It sounded very odd to me.
'Each of them right before midnight..' this sentence is very long.
I *loved* 'few small steps outside the door and one giant leap into the beyond.' Great line! And Diana's, about the stars. Brilliant!
'each of which was worrying the cuff of *the* other sleeve'..not *his*.
Ch 2.
'Nobody who saw Fiona and Diana together..' I believe this should start a new para.
'Seventeen minutes into the new year, Diana lingered..' in this sentence you say she goes after Mustapha and Pena. Now I might be mistaken but I don't think Pena should be there. You only introduce him after Diana brushes Andrea Blitt off.
Jeremy, I love the interaction between Diana and Mustapha. I love the humour. I love the way you pitch straight into the story. You also pose a good question at the end of ch 1.
I'm very happy to give 'Judgement' a turn on my bookshelf and see if I can boost you up a bit. I'd love you to do the same for King's Envoy, if you like it, that is!
Best of luck,
Cas.

I read the first chapter and liked it. Your writing is tight and flows pretty well. There was a sentance about the dead guy's phone that didn't make much sense to me, but besides that you were able to set the whole thing up in the first chapter and not confuse me with as many charachters as you used. I think at the end of the chapter it needs a little more to make the reader go on to the next chapter. But besides that - Nice job. I'm putting it on my shelf for awhile. Good Luck. Sue

Hey Jeremy. Have read the first chapter. Made a few observations, as follow.

In the prologue (which was too spaced out for me, even knowing, guessing?, it's a drug haze.)

Totally beyond words: I think the totally is unnecessary. It's either beyond words or it isn't.

Music swept over them like multicoloured honey. The lights did? Or perhaps the music swept over them like honey. I appreciate it (appears to) represent a drug haze, but that didn't read right.

Onto the main story...

"she said" you write at one point, then "Inspector Mustapha Alawi said. Publishers like their attributions to be consistent: in other words, she said, Inspector Mustapha Alawi said, or vice versa for both.

quite, even... short, dark: think you could lose the commas in both of these.

Like the succinct summary of Peterson, though perhaps one too many (broad shouldered?) clauses.

Where Peterson describes the clubs all being "...like (he?) knows them by name..."

"One giant leap" and "My god it's full of stars", very good lines.

"Kevin Kerwin?" Sounds like he's not sure of his own name.


Summary, I like your dialogue, clever one liners. But the prologue, though short was not a good opener. Maybe shorten it, or add it somewhere later in the text, once you've sucked us into "riding" with Siddall, Alawi and Peterson. In fact, unless the girl is a significant character, I'm not sure you need it at all, given that all she appears to do is given us a different perspective on an exploding mirror ball.

I will back you, however, because the characters feel authentic, and the the police procedurals are interesting once you get them working.

I would suggest you (and everyone else on this site) concentrate on getting the first chapter or two spot on: it is these that encourage people to read on. Once we are hooked we can get over the little quibbles (or even the large ones, like the prologue). The more people who get frightened off by your opening, the less there are to back you.

Take all of this with a grain of the proverbial, and best wishes with it.

Regards,

TomW

I just love this stuff.
Fast and funny. Wise ass cops. It's the Dirty Harry syndrome. Mel Gibson eat your heart out. I'm just a sucker for a good cop story. One minor winge. I'm starting to get confuddled over who's saying what to whom and why. Maybe just needs a little tightening up here and there but not so much that it slows down the cracking pace.
It's on my bookshelf.
Denis.

Hello Jeremy,
I’m into chapter 2 and enjoying this; snappy dialogue, some wonderful lines and good characters. I’m going to keep reading this to the end and in a couple of weeks I’ll give you some more comments. It’s done a stint on my bookshelf and I wish you luck with it.
Regards,

Hi Jeremy
Any chance to look at The Jin Deception (id 4594) yet?
Thanks, Murray

Hello Jeremy,

The beginning sets the scene up nicely; we know when and where we are and who’s there. My fingers didn’t itch to correct typos, spelling errors or grammatical glitches, and I liked the characters as you introduced them. Minor quibble – in Australia storey and story mean two different things; this may or may not be the case in the USA. ( re the two story dance floor)
Now, take everything I say as being preceded by ‘In my opinion … ‘ I’m also a nitpicker regarding grammar, spelling and typos. (This last is because I also appreciate having such things pointed out in my own writing; we tend to miss our own mistakes and see what we think we wrote!)
There’s a bit of slang I don’t understand, but it hasn’t taken away from the story. Heh, there’s even some humour in here to balance the drama. Only other quibble is that chapter one doesn’t really relate to your short pitch, which led me to expect something quite different.
I have enjoyed the first chapter and will read all of this. Well done.
Regards and good luck with this; I expect it to do well. You’ve done a turn on my bookshelf and I’ll keep you on the watchlist.

Hello Jeremy,

Hmm, this was an interesting first chapter. I thought at first – for about a line! – that Melissa was a child, but no, a stoned adult. The two cops are an interesting pair. I’ll read it all then come back with comments. I’m not planning on seeing what everyone else has said either.
If I don’t come back with more comments in a couple of weeks, NAG me, okay.
Regards

Hi, just had a look at the first chapter. This is well written; in fact, apart from the odd typo, very polished. Here are the notes i took, first of all. Just my impressions as i read, nothing more:

I know some people underline words as a manuscript convention to indicate italic, it just seemed a little strange here where you're already in italics?
I found this italic passage a little confusing. At the start, the description made me think that Melissa is naked in front of a mirror, presumably at home. When Krista runs in, i thought she was a child, presumably Melissa's daughter. Then it turns out they're sisters, presumably adults, or old enough to be in a club, and Melissa is presumably dressed. It reads like they're both high or drunk, which i assume is your intention, so that's effective.
'quite, even teeth' – i read this several times, do you mean 'white, even teeth' or just possibly, 'he grinned at her as if to say, 'quite', even teeth etc...' ?
'like knows them' – 'like he knows them' ?
'into oh-four' – this pins it down to a year. Perhaps it's necessary for the plot, or that's the exact period its set in, but if it's supposed to be current day...
'the one that didn't suck.' - like this line!
Like the hint of mystery to do with the sister Fiona in the last line.

I assume that the club robberies are going to tie in with the feminist child care murder in some way, which promises a convoluted and intriguing plot. If they aren't, it's a long chapter just to introduce the detectives, but i rather think they are!

You establish the characters well. No mention of the knee injury yet, perhaps it hasn't even happened at this point? Generally speaking, i think this is an excellent crime/thriller that i'm happy to back. I try and be up front with people, so i will say that i don't think i'll actually be reading on, because my taste in this genre is heavily skewed towards the thriller rather than the crime (unless there are vampires!).

Best of luck with this, anyway, and i hope you enjoy 'Witch Child'.

Hey Jeremy
You know I watch more thrillers on TV then I read, so my feedback might be kinda movie slanted, hope that’s ok.

Feminist childcare center is an interesting concept. The opening is bizarre, will have to wait and see what that’s about, right? Oh, and as a transplanted yankee, I laughed at Diana’s feelings.

Wow, this is easy and fun to read. You DO have a great sense of dialogue and place, and I like the interactions between Peterson, Mustapha and Diana.

I don’t think I can give you any crits because I’m not that strong in this genre. To me, you have a great story here. I hope you gain some more traction, because I’d like others to read it. Shelving it.

Jeremy,

A few comments here.
This looks like a crime story with a twist. You have some interesting characters here. I like the dialogue. It feels authentic.
My comments are fairly minor, but I feel they would make a lot of difference to the book.
In the italicised section, I think the narrative suffers a bit from pronoun confusion. I couldn't really work out if there were two or three women. Where are they? Some place with a mirror. I think I'd like a bit more clarity in this section. Identify who is the POV character straight away.
In the following scene, I liked the characters and dialogue, as I said, but I did feel that you had a lot of characters to keep track of, and I felt a bit lost as a result of that. I also couldn't always figure out who was speaking.
They're minor edits, as I said, but they would make a big difference, in my opinion at least.

Jeremy--
OK, I can see why you dug Haunted--this is a fun read, man. It's got all the elements I look for in a potboiler: character development, realism in procedure, smart dialogue, an intriguing case (and not even the one promise in the blurb). Couple of things, and sorry if you're sick of explaining 'em--I'm still not sure the prologue is entirely necessary. Though it's undeniably good writing, I would rather get right to Siddall and Alawi hiding out from the New Year's tradition, since we stick with their POV throughout the first chapter. And I see others have mentioned it below, but there'd be no shame in breaking this first chapter into two, at about the point where they head across the way to Fiona's place. There's a few punctuation questions that my composition-teacher-o-meter picked up, but generally you've proofed this well, and the language is pretty polished.
This is entertaining shit, and I'm committed to reading further.
--Jason

Hi Jeremy
Read the first chapter and am impressed. Very professional!

The characters are strong and interesting with good relationship between the partners. The 'prologue' gripped me, however I felt the first chapter ended a bit flat. I'll read more later and see if anything comes to me about an alternative close. In the meantime I'd be grateful if you'd reciprocate by taking a look at my novel - number 4594.

Happy Christmas

Murray

Well, at least rechaptering eliminates the immediate problem. I have some thoughts, but I'm going to wait until you read more of it to share them, just so I don't spoil your read.

476 places: yeah, I think there are a lot of books that are on nobody's shelf. That's why I started the thread about mine.

You know, Pete, I could save everyone a lot of trouble by re-chaptering the dang thing. So let me try that, and we'll see where it goes.

Since a couple of people have mentioned the same thing, that the first chapter packs an awful lot into a small space, I thought I would address it here. The novel is intended to be the first in a series starring the same detectives and most of the same secondary characters. So try to think of this as the first episode of the television program -- if you read very far into the book, you will see that it reads a lot like an episode of a TV cop show, as others have also pointed out. The first act of this novel is intended to introduce the reader to the two central characters and give a fair amount of background on them, as well as give a quick glance at most of the secondary characters.

So it's a little information-heavy, but this was really more of a deliberate strategy then it was a sin of omission.The second and subsequent acts of the book stretch things out a lot further: there is a lot more room for the characters to breathe, now that I have established them. Hopefully, this will save you time critiquing this when you choose to critique the book -- I mean, if you want to take issue with the strategy, I will be happy to listen, but if you think that I'm unaware that the first act of the book packs a lot into a very small amount of text, that is not the case, and please rip the rest of the book to shreds.

Thanks -- jeremycage

Hell, my friend, you have got to hustle more. I have just read some of the smartest, sharpest, snappiest wiseass dialogue I've come across on this whole site.

I read the first chapter. It's long. Nothing inherently wrong with that, but I'd suggest that Authonomy favours shorter chapters (only because they're easier to get through) - although I'll admit having a murder committed, investigated and solved in chapter 1 is pretty impressive. A great, punchy, gripping 'prologue' (in italics), and then we're into a police procedural as smart as anything I've seen on American TV. And the revelation about Mustapha's son was very well handled and moving.

This is great writing. Fantastic detail, and the dialogue just sparkles. Like I said, it reminded me of the very top end of US TV cop drama, and I mean that as a compliment. I found myself liking these characters as I enjoyed a damn good read. All the characters are sharply defined. The whole thing feels polished.

I'm going to keep you on my watchlist. Really, I should be backing this - but that would feel just a little bit corny, right now. But seriously, Jeremy - get out there and sell this mother! It is GOOD.

I'll probably be back in a day or three to put it on my shelf.

That was quality commentage. The part about the plot resume was dead on. Now, it's much shorter.

The two girls at the beginning aren't meant to be lesbians: they're friends out celebrating the New Year with some quality E. But I see your point: I might have to have one of them mention a boyfriend or something. Send me a message when you do an update of your first chapter.

Hi Jeremycage,

I've just read your first chapter and you're right: we don't do the same style. So, unqualified as I am, here's my tuppence worth.

First of all you've got to change your plot resume. What you've written is as much detail as you can get crammed into a limited number of words. What the potential reader actually wants, however, is an idea of the style, the genre and something eye-catching about what's going to come. For that you need far less information, not more.

As for the first chapter, I find there are a lot of characters being thrown at me at the start, which is a little confusing. And I’m not sure about beginning with a couple of lesbians, either. Seeing as your nom de plume marks you out as a man, it automatically makes me think that gritty reality has immediately given way to grimy fantasy. Not that I'm against that sort of thing, I just wonder if it's the best way to start off a thriller. But I can quite well believe I'm wrong on that point, too.

Moving on, I find the first chapter very long with an awful lot of conversation I don't really care about. As an aside, I accept your point about my book and am currently deleting a lot of text: I feel you need to do the same.

From having read many first chapters on this site, my current feeling is that chapter 1 must be incredibly tight, relatively short and not leave the reader at all confused about who is who or what the plot is about. While I don't recommend coming out with something explosive in the first paragraph either, it seems to me that the author's job at the start is to hold the reader's hand and show him around the entrance hall to the rest of the book (hope that little OTT metaphor makes sense). Anyway, if you want to lose the reader a little bit or make him use his head, you should leave that till later on in the book.

Hope that helps. Like I said, we're not the same genre so maybe you can ignore a lot of what I said - and the office Christmas lunch probably hasn't helped my judgement much either. You've got a good writing style, I just think you need to be a bit clearer and more concise - and find a way of distinguishing you and your plot from everybody else but without being gimmicky.

Good luck.

I have just read the opening pages, and like your style - will put you on my watchlist