Fountain of Envy

FOUNTAIN OF ENVY
This story begins with a prologue that was a forefoding air about; an infant in danger, his parents trying to escape a terrible enemy, a secret tunnel and a hidden door . . . I like the way it then shifts to an ordinary morning in the present. Makes a good contrast. I also like the way you take full chapters to introduce your characters; lets a reader feel as if I really know them (altho I wished you had tied Galen and Chloe and Nick together faster). Either way, this is a good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Thanks AGC, your comments are appreciated! I'm in the middle of editing and expect to repost before too long. Take care!

Dear Dave,

FOUNTAIN OF ENVY – I enjoy stories that merge mythical elements with contemporary settings. The prologue was very well written. The tension was palpable as Archonis and his family made their escape from the doomed city. The crisp narrative provided the right opening for your tale in the wake of a very effective pitch.

I enjoyed the dream sequence in the next chapter and can somewhat see the relevance too. Btw, both the prologue and this chapter need date references on top. Otherwise, they may appear disjointed. Reading on, I found that the writing could be made more lucid. Nothing major though, just a few sentences that can be made simpler and a few words either omitted or replaced by stronger ones. But, I really liked the way you’ve depicted the lives and characters of Chloe and Nick. The descriptive prose made it easy to visualise the different settings. The dialogue was also very nice.

This is a very interesting story that’s got a strong plot and good characterisation. I look forward to finding out how it turns out. I’m particularly interested in the scientific explanation behind the exotic white fruit and how it affects those whose blood is not compatible. If the gripping prologue is anything to go by, I can already see a great thriller taking shape, 6 stars for now.

Best regards,
AGC

Dear Dave,

FOUNTAIN OF ENVY – I enjoy stories that merge mythical elements with contemporary settings. The prologue was very well written. The tension was palpable as Archonis and his family made their escape from the doomed city. The crisp narrative provided the right opening for your tale in the wake of a very effective pitch.

I enjoyed the dream sequence in the next chapter and can somewhat see the relevance too. Btw, both the prologue and this chapter need date references on top. Otherwise, they may appear disjointed. Reading on, I found that the writing could be made more lucid. Nothing major though, just a few sentences that can be made simpler and a few words either omitted or replaced by stronger ones. But, I really liked the way you’ve depicted the lives and characters of Chloe and Nick. The descriptive prose made it easy to visualise the different settings. The dialogue was also very nice.

This is a very interesting story that’s got a strong plot and good characterisation. I look forward to finding out how it turns out. I’m particularly interested in the scientific explanation behind the exotic white fruit and how it affects those whose blood is not compatible. If the gripping prologue is anything to go by, I can already see a great thriller taking shape, 6 stars for now.

Best regards,
AGC

Eloquent dialogue, You set the opening scene up very well. The flow of your story is very smooth. This book will do very well here on Authonomy. Highly starred and w/l waiting on space to open. GREAT JOB, very well edited.

Hi David,
I read the first few chapters of Fountain of Envy, and I think it’s great! Love the title, by the way. The prologue is fascinating and leaves you wanting to know more, which is always a good thing. And the description of Chloe and her life is great – really takes you into her life and shows you what it’s like to be her. I find her to be a very sympathetic character, one that I could really come to care about. Found a nitpicky thing:

“She was about to leave for work on a morning much like today” should be “She had been preparing to leave for work” or something like that to transition from the story’s present to three years ago.

I must say, you really know how to set a scene and transport the reader to whatever world your story’s taking place in, be it Fiji or… ancient Rome? I’m really curious to see how the different parts of the tale all tie together.

A very well-written and enjoyable read. I’ve starred it for now and will happily add it to my shelf the next time I rotate books.

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

I read chapter 1 and enjoyed the tension you build with Archonis and his family.I did wonder who these other people were (how many) and how he knew where to meet. Also, as mentioned I'm not sure what year this is but subtle hints of swords etc tells me it's an earlier century.
Overall it's a good read and hope to get back to read more. Have given this book a good rating.
Regards, Red
Illusions of Comfort

David,

Having just read your prologue...

I don't remember you saying what century this was set in, what the people were wearing, or very much details about the scenes through which they pass on their journey to freedom. However, from what you have written, from the little clues you drop all of this is pictured in the reader's mind. This is certainly a remarkable skill, something I covet!

Your narrative is clean and flowing, the story moving along at a good pace, quiet tension and intrigue maintains the reader's interest and remarkably only four lines of dialgue!

This will get a very high rating.
Best regards
Warrick

Overall impression: outstanding! The action sequence in the Prologue is believable and filled with the right amount of tension. Your writing is descriptive and you easily create the visuals to accompany the narrative. The characterization and rhythm are well-done! The characters seem full, three-dimensional. The pace moves steadily along and keeps the eye (and mind) moving.

Honestly, this is one of the better written works I have read here on Authonomy. The story is unfolding nicely, and your word choices are eloquent, yet readable.

Prologue:
Outstanding! In my opinion, everything a Prologue should be: gripping, tense, introducing the characters, setting the scene. Good job. You definitely have a few great hooks here. Why are they fleeing? Who is chasing them? Are they protecting their child just because of parental instinct, or is there much more to it than that...?

Chapter 1:
We quickly get a feel for Chloe and her life. Her physical description is well-done, and her relationships with both her mother and daughter are succinctly shown in a minimal amount of words. Once again, excellent.

David~ I am posting these initial thoughts (and a six-star rating!) for now. I will be back to read more & will edit this comment further. There are a few “technical” suggestions I’ll send via a private message.

~Lucas
http://www.authonomy.com/books/41102/capritare-the-cycles-begin/

{Fountain of Envy, Prologue}

David,

You have a really well thought out premise here. I’ve never seen anything like it before and my interest is peaked with the fact that some of your characters will not only be able to have their life lengthened by a drug that is invented, but that if their blood is consumed others will have their life extended as well. This sets up fantastic possibilities for your plot and I’m looking forward to reading on so that I can see where this is going! And who is this man from a long dead civilization? Intriguing!

So far I’ve read the prologue and your writing is strong, with good descriptions and a seemingly strong grasp on grammar. Your writing pulls us strongly into your world and I can feel myself going with them to escape. I see things so vividly as I read!

I’ve gladly rated Fountain of Envy 6 out of 6 stars and will be back soon for more! Thank you so much for the enjoyable read!

Have a fantastic day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. It's an honor to be your first commenter!