Threads of Time

See this is why I love Authonomy. Because somewhere in all of those books I can find one like yours. Perfectly polished, and superb on description and flow. The pacing from the beginning brings me about pleasantly to each new chapter.

From your pitch to the end of your first chapter you have me reading on. Thank you for asking me to do a read swap with you. This is a book I would considering buying from a book store and will keep it on my shelf until it gets up there on that desk.

I love the proverb you put in the beginning. It is beautifully done with the whole of the opening. I wish I was able to polish my writing as well as you do. Man, oh man. Keep it up!

-Elora

Wow, this is good! I'm not usually a fan of prologues, but yours works well. Great writing, smooth narrative voice and great characters. Top marks for this and highly rated, well done!

Hello

Beautifully written. The concept and premise are wonderful. The writing is well-done and the pace and flow are perfect. You have a way with words and this came through clearly with the way you used the words you chose. The dialogue is also as close to perfect as it can be. I didn't find anything that pulled me out of the story. I'm a sap for stories like this and found yours just as thrilling. I would like to place this on my bookshelf when I have room.

Thanks and best of luck.
Jennifer Killby - The Legend of the Travelers: Willow's Journey

Wow, great stuff. Sometimes I pick up a book that is so perfectly pitched that it grabs your heart strings in the first sentence, this is one of those. You have shown a great talent for evocative, emotive writing. I was drawn by your discussion of the thread of destiny, a concept that I understand entirely. I have only read the first chapter but will return this week to finish your offering.
The theme of thread theory is discussed in my Hellion series and I wonder if you would mind taking a look at Hellion 2. Please don't think this is a War story, although it is set in Occupied France. Hellion 2 is a romance.

with regards
Cyrus

I was hooked after the first two paragraphs. Your writing flows almost poetically and your descriptions are wonderfully vivid and exiting. I have really liked reading this and would be happy to read more, should there ever be any available. I did notice one or two errors, but I see from other comments, you have already been made aware of these. All in all I think Threads of Time is a well written and enjoyable story and have given you lots of stars.
Amelia
Mungai and the Goa Constrictor

Hi Linda,

I like the premise for your story and I liked the quote at the beginning. Unlike a couple of previous reviewers, I didn't feel that your prologue contained too much back story, so I guess this is a case of personal preference. In the context of what follows, I thought it set the scene.

When you are next editing, there are quite a few instances where you use several adjectives that need to be separated by commas and a couple of places where a semi-colon might make the sentence read with greater fluidity. Notes I made included:
-'The woman said that the universe had been trying to tell her something(;) that it speaks to us in many ways.'
-She sat(,) hands clenching the steering wheel, key unturned in the ignition(,) unaware of the honking of the car...etc.
-beautiful(,) hand-carved(,) mahogany music(-) box.
-the chill-you-to-the-bone weather...etc.
-soggy(,) cotton jacket...and then later in the same sentence you have a typo with both the words 'with' and 'in' following one another.

Entirely separately, I became lost in the geography and maybe this has arisen from editing out a paragraph or section about her journey because I follow that she flew into Heathrow - I assume from across the Atlantic - and is waiting for a cab there but the hotel she is checking into is in Cork, Ireland, I think. To save having to mention a connecting flight, could you have her getting-off a flight in Cork, having (unseen) connected from Heathrow? It would certainly fit well with the 'soft', Irish weather, which at the moment you have happening in Heathrow. Unless you have a future use for London, maybe it would be better dispensed with? Just a thought.

When I was reading the end of chapter three, I felt that the tension be greater if the last line was 'made her scream in terror,' as it would leave us in desperate need to turn the page.

And I hope you don't mind me sharing another observation; one that an editor made to me for an earlier draft of my own writing. I had a scene where the main character's natural reaction would have been to faint with shock. And then later in the same chapter, there was another incident that gave rise to the same thing. My editor pointed out that there was too much fainting (and recovering, as a result). As I was reading, it occurred to me that in the space of two short chapters, Darby falls over/faints twice, once crashing to the pavement and then falling towards Tara's blue dress. I do understand that you use this as a mechanism for the blurring of the two worlds but having so far only read to the end of chapter three, I do worry about how you will keep this up without making Darby seem somewhat weak, when I sense that she is going to turn out to be rather stronger, given all that is going to befall her. Is there a way that you could make her 'switch' times/locations without so much feeling peculiar? Forgive me if this sounds like a criticism but I'm struggling for a way to convey in this limited 'comments box' how the 'feeling wobbly' episodes came across to me.

Anyway, I am going to come back to read beyond chapter three because I think your story offers something different and I am intrigued to see where it goes.

Best of luck with it,

Tiara

Linda,
I've read two chapters of Threads of Time and wanted to go ahead and comment. This is an interesting concept, with lives interconnected across centuries. The music box is an interesting way to connect Darby with her past life.

Chapter one was a lot of telling of the back story, which could possibly be sprinkled throughout the beginning chapters without giving all of it in large chunks right at the beginning. I did not feel very emotionally attached to Darby during that first chapter, as I felt I was being told her history in big chunks rather than discovering her character and her past a little at a time.

I noticed a lot in chapter two that you tag Darby's internal thoughts, which is not necessary as we know we are in her POV and in her head, so to speak. I've noticed that a lot of people italicize the internal thoughts of their characters, especially when writing in third person limited. This can be helpful to set thoughts apart from the narrative, though I often find it distracting if over done. The biggest issue with Darby's tagged thoughts was punctuation. It seemed that if she was asking herself a question, you put the question mark after the tag, rather than at the end of the question itself. Lose the tag and you fix the punctuation issue.

Those are my only comments at this point. Hopefully you can find something helpful here.
Kate

See this is why I love Authonomy. Because somewhere in all of those books I can find one like yours. Perfectly polished, and superb on description and flow. The pacing from the beginning brings me about pleasantly to each new chapter.

From your pitch to the end of your first chapter you have me reading on. Thank you for asking me to do a read swap with you. This is a book I would considering buying from a book store and will keep it on my shelf until it gets up there on that desk.

I love the proverb you put in the beginning. It is beautifully done with the whole of the opening. I wish I was able to polish my writing as well as you do. Man, oh man. Keep it up!

-Elora

I like your cover and title.
Darby, I think, is a great choice for your MC's name.

I don’t like that you’ve called your opening a prologue.
I see no reason this can’t be the first chapter. Yes, it offers touches of back-story, but no more than chapter one, and it ties into chapter one chronologically. It’s only a prologue in name.

By the end of chapter one, I am empathizing with Darby. She’s what I’d call a passive, disconnected person… with no place to go but up. Sometimes your third-person narrative slips into the passive mode which makes the story feel a bit too soft and sluggish. Too much apathy between the MC and the narrative (combined).
“She was woken…” (She woke) “They had all tried to convince her…” (They tried to convince her) “The melancholy within her could not…” (Her melancholy could not)

I’ve noticed a number of places where an added comma would help. “Except she felt haunted, as if her life was no longer hers(,) like someone else was living through her.”
“She had tried the usual routes(,) so thought, why not try…”

Over all, I think the story is interesting, and would benefit from more editing. But please, keep in mind this advice is coming from another unpublished, struggling, amateur writer, like so many.

Good luck with this and all future projects.

Wow, this is good! I'm not usually a fan of prologues, but yours works well. Great writing, smooth narrative voice and great characters. Top marks for this and highly rated, well done!

Just read the first chapter,this is great. i saw no mistakes and i like how the character develops and the detail you give. the story goes at a nice pace and has plenty of detail. Something i love in a book. This isn't something i would have picked out myself to read if i'm honest but i still liked it.
Highly rated

Hi, i thought your prologue was really well done, it certainly draws you, pulling you almost into the room with Darby. Slowly you give away a little bit more of 'her', the death of her mother, her sadness and feelings of being completely lost in the world, giving the reader good reason to care for her and want to know where her life will go next.
The dreams are interesting and even when Darby is 'awake' she's still a dreamlike trance, confused, frustrated, underlined with fear, just how you'd imagine someone to be while going through this strange experience. In the first few chapters you create a uneasy feeling, there's a creepy edge to the story, making you suspicious even when the story seems to be heading in a innocent direction.
I particularly like how you described the falling part at the end of chapter 2 and also thought the chinese proverb was a nice touch.(the same one they're using in the TV show 'Touch')

Best of luck
Terry

Hi Linda,
I just finished reading your new chapters! Very exciting! I am beginning to see the big picture, except for Carlos! He is still a complete mystery!
I look forward to reading more!
Mindy

Overall, love your story. It is engaging and makes me want to read more. I like how you shift from past to present and how you plan on bringing them together. I am not an editor, but I do want to point some things out.
As another had said, too many dialogue tags.Putting them in makes one want to re read the sentence in the emotion denoted in the ta.
In many cases describing the scene or how they tensed is better than saying ‘they said tersely.’
For instance when Tara was defending herself against Darby’s jabs about wanting James for his money. When a dialogue tag is put at the end of a sentence one wants to go back and re read the sentence in the form of the emotion. An example might be “Tara’s beautiful brow crunch and unsightly wrinkles marred her perfect features as she defended herself. “I come from a family with money.”
Strictly my opinion, but while you’re reading, it helps with the flow.
Ch 4 “Who was this guy anyway?” don’t need ‘he wondered. The question itself denotes wondering.
Do not take this as negative, just an observation.
I think you really have a talent for story telling, and have it organized well.
Best of luck
M

Hello LM,
I read the first two chapters and wanted to give you my impressions...

-I empathized with this woman in the first few paragraphs, not because I am like her, but because your writing is intimate and utilizes the power of raw emotion.
-You build tension right away which makes me want to keep reading.
-This is just a personal tik of mine, but there are a lot of dialogue tags where there needn't be any. Your dialogue is really good and I can tell that she's desperate without reading "she said desperately" behind it.
-The usual routes so thought should be "of" thought in the Prologue, Paragraph 13
-I love the scene with Tara at the beginning of Ch 2! It's filled with frustration and restraint which I love. It is such a good portrayal of what actually happens, not what we like to think happens when we see someone we hate after its been a long time. For example, we like to think "I would tear that bitch's eyes out if I saw her again," but we don't. We are actually very civil to the people we don't like (well most of the time).

Anyways, I loved it and I will definitely put it on my shelf!
Frith,
Kayla Shaw
Philosophia

Hello

Beautifully written. The concept and premise are wonderful. The writing is well-done and the pace and flow are perfect. You have a way with words and this came through clearly with the way you used the words you chose. The dialogue is also as close to perfect as it can be. I didn't find anything that pulled me out of the story. I'm a sap for stories like this and found yours just as thrilling. I would like to place this on my bookshelf when I have room.

Thanks and best of luck.
Jennifer Killby - The Legend of the Travelers: Willow's Journey

Threads of Time resurrected memories when I first came to England in winter of 98. It was my first experience in icy temperature and I was ill-equipped. It was a horrible experience that could have avoided if I had listened to Dad. He warned me that England was the opposite of Jamaica.

Your writing is well descriptive i say, eg, hair, the air in the roon. Wardrobe. Derby the Mysterous music box. Crearly writen to attract attention. Good word.

Tight crisp dialogue, poetic writing style, and a character such as Darby who feels real. Darby has all the humanistic traits of real flesh and blood. Descriptive narrative with just the right amount of foreshadowing to move it along. Good job again on establishing the complexity of the plot early.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

The work exhibits an interesting construction in that a third person description of the protagonist's actions is interspersed with the verbal comments of other characters who interact with Darby. For example, Ch2 "Yes, we have your room ready, said the red haired young woman behind the desk, ....." Then as if in a movie the POV shifts, "Darby glanced around the quaintly decorated lobby...." The reader is presented with an "outside view" of action around the main character. The point is that Darby hears the quotation but then the reader is moved away from Darby's sensation of hearing the remark and next the reader is presented with a camera-like observation of Darby's action of "glancing around the lobby." The storyline displays a great potential to be a wonderful novel. I will back it when my shelf opens. Good luck, Chuck -- on my WL.

First, LOVE the cover. Second, It is so well written. (I'm jealous.) Third, can't wait to read more.

This is very much my kind of novel, flowing, descriptive and full of emotion. Ive only read a chapter so far, but have backed you and will read more when time permits. good luck with this novel it deserves success.

I have only managed to read the first chapter so far and it gripped me straight away, very easy to read and flows well. Very enjoyble, will be back for more.

I have only managed to read the first chapter so far and it gripped me straight away, very easy to read and flows well. Very enjoyble, will be back for more.

Hello Linda,
Just finished reading chapters 7 and 8.
Again, beautifully written with the evocative words flowing freely! I’m starting to find it really quite chilling, so your writing must be good! Darby is also growing on me and I found myself worrying about her! Great ending to chapter 8.

I did notice a few things you may not be aware of Linda. A second pair of eyes and all!
Chapter 7
The word certainly is repeated to quickly in the same paragraph. “It’s only a bit of dust, certainly you’ve seen dust before” and “I thought you were in Egypt, working in tombs, certainly there was dust there?”
I think you should substitute one with surely. It would read better. Also it is more of an exclamation than a question.
Down about 7 paragraphs ‘tarnish frame’ should be ‘tarnished frame’.
In the next paragraph typo, up stairs should be upstairs.
Chapter 8
Paragraph 2 ‘partial opened study door, s/b partially opened

This is a really good story with loads of potential, and I have enjoyed all I have read so far. I hope you do very well with it.
I had given you 5 stars; I have now given you 6 stars.
Best wishes,
Amelia

Hey.
I've read some of your book and i like it, i will be back for more soon
EllenMichelle :)
'A Model's Summer'

An atmospheric and almost mystical beginning which has much to recommend it, though I admit to being more gripped by the immediacy of Chapter One. This looks like it's going to be a complex and deeply layered story.

I did notice a number of potential nits in the opening sections:
a number of semi-colons where there ought to be commas;
a lot of semi-colons;
some complex words/descriptors need to be hyphentated;
maybe a bit less passive voice in the prologue?

Good luck with the story and its editing.

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

I was hooked after the first two paragraphs. Your writing flows almost poetically and your descriptions are wonderfully vivid and exiting. I have really liked reading this and would be happy to read more, should there ever be any available. I did notice one or two errors, but I see from other comments, you have already been made aware of these. All in all I think Threads of Time is a well written and enjoyable story and have given you lots of stars.
Amelia
Mungai and the Goa Constrictor

Wow, great stuff. Sometimes I pick up a book that is so perfectly pitched that it grabs your heart strings in the first sentence, this is one of those. You have shown a great talent for evocative, emotive writing. I was drawn by your discussion of the thread of destiny, a concept that I understand entirely. I have only read the first chapter but will return this week to finish your offering.
The theme of thread theory is discussed in my Hellion series and I wonder if you would mind taking a look at Hellion 2. Please don't think this is a War story, although it is set in Occupied France. Hellion 2 is a romance.

with regards
Cyrus

Hi Linda,

Your book is awesome so far. I’ve only read through the Prologue and the first 3 chapters. Here are some grammatical things I found:

Prologue: I think the second sentence needs a comma in “Sleep had been difficult this past year, and any sound, even the drizzling rain against the glass, was enough to stir her.”

Second paragraph: night gown is one word.

Third paragraph, maybe change the fourth sentence to: “Hours spent with therapists and doctors who had tried to convince her that what she was feeling was just a normal response to the grief she felt for her mother’s death.”

5th paragraph: I don’t think you need the comma after why in “Perhaps that’s why she embraced…”

Capitalize the e in even after “Her friend Becca had said, “Even if…”

There are a lot of sentences with semi-colons, I’d suggest rearranging some of them so there aren’t so many.

In the first chapter, Carlos says to Darby, “some kind of day” to Darby one too many times. I think you could take out the last one and change it to some other dialogue.

I’ll read more later.

Sarah

nice work, with each rewrite I can see this becoming more and more polished!

I'm going to make one extremely fussy suggestion now... try to work on cutting down passive voice from here on. Look through and count each time you use the word 'was' -- then think how you can reword the sentence to remove it. Will make your writing a lot more active and strengthen the feeling like we are there in the scene.
(just did this myself -- Michael Dale "Rude Awakening" pointed this out to me!)

Also, I notice sometimes your chapters are quite long, with many different ideas or streams kind of pushed together. They do make sense and flow fine as they are. But take for instance chapter 2; there is a huge amount of stuff that happens both in the physical present, and in Linda's head/thoughts. Perhaps you might consider splitting chapters to make shorter, more powerful ones... like many little threads all weaving together!! That is something much more minor and actually doesn't take long... I recently did that with my book :)

All the best!!
Cara

This is wonderful!
I hope I will have the chance to read more of it!
I noticed 2 small possible errors - a whom where I think it should have been who and caulked where I think it should have been cocked.
The story is engaging and where it could have been confusing with the characters slipping into different time periods, it is so well written that it feels very natural.
High stars!
Mindy
The Wishing Place

Love the themes in this book, mainly because if you read my book you will see it does happen!
Well written and it captivated me I have only read the first two chapters but will revisit this when I have more time so I have put you on my book shelf.
I would appreciate it if you would take a look at my book faking it in France.
With best wishes Karamak

I think you have a cool concept for a story, a romance one at that. I wasn't too sure about your prologue though. She's all upset and tearful, and as a reader we haven't connected enough with the character to actually feel for the sob story. It was well written though, I did like how well it flowed from present to past, but I wasn't connecting with Darby to feel for her. But that could be just my opinion, it's just a thought.
Chapter One: The first line threw me off, maybe but a - for chill-you-the-bone. Only because I had to read it twice, I thought it was a mistake first. Great job on describtion, as I was reading I felt cold. :P
The Chinese Proverb I think give this story it's own standing, makes it stand out a bit more.

6 Stars for having a well written romance, yet still different from the others

-Courtney
The Echoes

Great start but you will have to write a bit faster so I can find out what happens!

The pitch sold me on trying this one. I'm a sucker for people destined to be together.
I've read the first 2 chapters and am enjoying it. Your story line is flowing well. I would just suggest watching all the commas and there are some incomplete sentences that I tried to make work but just couldn't figure out what they were doing as a fragment. I also agree with someone who commented about how it's as if we are inside Darby's head and her thoughts are not linear...I like this also.
Keep up the good work and I look forward to seeing what happens next!

Very intriguing, and I find myself really liking Darby. I was grabbed from the beginning, and am enjoying this mystterious ride and wonderful story you have here, keep on with it, it is definitely a page turner.

Saerawrites

What a lovely story - I love your title too, it fits perfectly.
Darby (I like the unusual name) is a good character and I really like your writing style, professional and easy to read.
I think the opening chapter could be cut slightly, so that we get to the action earlier on, then bring in more of the explanation/back story, but with editing I think Threads of Time is a delicious 'chocolate on a Sunday afternoon' sort of read.
I wish you well with it.
Best,
Melissa
Lessons in the Dark

THREADS OF TIME
I believe fate has a lot to do with bringing two people together so I enjoy stories which stress that and this one does that particularly well. Darby is a good main character, likable and sympathetic because she feels so badly about her mother’s death. The writing style is wonderful. It’s a book I would like to take on vacation when I knew I’d have a lot of time to sit and leisurely enjoy it as the mystery of the music box unfolds. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Destiny, past lives, and romance! This story has so much potential. The chemistry Darby and Neil, the mysterious old man at the airport, and Darby's quirky and likable personality all work together to immediately draw the reader in. I did notice while reading that here are quite a few punctuation marks. Print this out, have yourself and then someone else comb your manuscript and help you with commas, periods and the stray semi-colon. The first chapter seemed a bit thought heavy. Bring some of Darby's thoughts out of her head and put them into narrative. By chapter two there was a better balance. Really though, this is the type of chick-lit that I could easily find myself reading on a weekend at the beach.

I wish you the best with this!
Eden
The Siren's Heart

Exciting beginning to an excellent story.
Simply written with plenty of vivid descriptions.
Its such a pleasurable read, it flows well and has such an imaginative storyline.
Darby's past has come to haunt her - I love the mystery and intrigue.
What a page turner.
Some edits.
(Believe it or not I have a character very similar in my own book called Ruby. Read chapter 4 - I think )
Highly starred.
Junetee(Four Corners)

Interesting and very well written. You have obviously put in the hours of hard work to bring your book up to this standard. I hope you have the success you richly deserve. There will be more work required as you revise and adjust and edit. But its early days yet. I'm sure this will be a favourite on the site.
Backed with pleasure.
Laurence Howard, The Cross of Goa

This is a very good story! It flows well and creates a world easily imagined. You have vivid descriptions. Darby is intriguing in her own way.

I have backed this book. Thank you for posting. I can't wait to read more of your works.

If you get the chance, time and opportunity, please take a look at our book, "The Eyes of Tokorel:

Take care and best of luck!

Wow! This is so good! I like the premise. I think you did a great job with the long pitch - easily, you get readers asking so many whys! Darby is a unique, promising character. She has a distinct drive and passion towards her craft that's not to miss! I'm sure everybody will want to follow her story.

You are going into the right direction. Keep it up.

Backed! I hope you take a look at my book, too. I would love to hear from you.

Di - My Beautiful Stalker

Threads of Time. That's a lovely cover, and a title to go with it. The pitches tell me what to expect.
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I tend to notice nits - hope you dont mind.

Ch.1.(Auth). A gentle, probing beginning, introducing the back-story as the MC remembers the past and an immediate problem is identified - why the feeling of loss? But it is all a bit remote. Maybe it's because there is an authorial feel to it, looking down, as it were, on the main character? I feel if you really got under her skin and spoke through her thoughts, your story would come more alive.

Little nits: beware word repetitions too close together: time/s (where she sighed heavily), suffering, continued.
And perhaps it would be better not to start paragraphs and sentences with -ing words. I was always taught to avoid that - cant remember why!
In the scene with the psychic there are so many 'she's and 'her's that I am becoming muddled as to who is doing what to who! And it's better to record the whole of a dialogue rather than bits and pieces. It flows more smoothly.
Unnecessary words to avoid: still, just, suddenly, already, completely. (Ch.2) soon.
I dont think you need to say 'in the slightest', when Darby is not prepared for this trip; or the 'moaning'.

You certainly create an other-worldly feel about your writing - making the reader just as confused as Derby.

Ch.2. You dont need to say that Derby realised she was jealous - you show it well enough through her thoughts.
Then I am caught up in Derby's bewildering situation, and wonder if she's drugges, or losing her mind, or both.
There is something compelling about your story which makes me want to read on and find out what really happened.

It needs editing and refining, but we all have to do that, and it is worth it in the end.
I wish you luck with this.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

I would say be mindful of repetitiveness. For instance, in chapter one you talk about the woman who grunted, snorted, and turned her shoulder to her. You repeat almost that exact sentence three times. I would try and find another way to word that. Also, with the old man who makes her sit down… the end of his sentences are do we or do they. I would be mindful of that. Where you say, Turning back to Darby, “there you’ll be just fine soon enough it should say, “There. You’ll be just fine soon enough.” A little later on, when you said she vaguely heard a muffled voice.. you forgot the r in heard. When the man comes up and asks about Dr. Abbott… it confused me a little. I wasn’t sure where he came from. Maybe elaborate on that scene a little more? I would also say to watch out for things that should be capitalized and punctuation. I love the way the chapter ends, though. It catches my attention and I want to know more. I really like your uses of similes. In chapter two I’m a little confused. When you said that Darby saw Tara at the hotel, it was asked what Tara was doing in Ireland. Later on, it says that her flight to Ireland wasn’t until the next day. After reading a little further, I understood it but I would definitely clarify that part. I know it’s all a dream, but you wouldn’t know what until you read further into it so it can get very confusing. All in all, I do love your book and I can't wait to read the rest. It's got a great flow to it. :)

I'd like to offer some suggestions for your pitch. I hope that's okay. I aim to be helpful rather than critical, and you may, of course, disagree with my opinion!

Pitch:

“Threads of fate connect those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstances”
No comma is required after ‘place’.
I have to admit, I don’t find this particularly exciting. It’s just an assertion that fate connects people who are worlds apart, which is not a novel idea. This is, of course, just my opinion, but I would consider finding an alternative that is more likely to hook your reader, or might cause one to think ‘Wow. This is a great idea for a story!’

“Darby, a freelance journalist, worked for several major newspapers over the years, except she found the assignments to be too restrictive.”
I don’t think this is a correct usage of the word ‘except’ (other than; apart from; with the exception of). I would use ‘but’ instead.

“She needed the freedom of following a lead or a hunch and going with it wherever the story led. She felt that she truly had a great life...”
Does she have a great life because she is now able to do the things that provide freedom? If so, I would reword this as, ‘When granted the freedom of following a lead or a hunch, and going with it wherever the story led, she began to feel that she had a truly great life,’ for the sake of clarity. If not, I would revise this section, as the way it is written suggests a link between freedom and the perceived greatness of her life.

“Lately, all that changed.”
I think this would work better in past perfect tense rather than simple past tense: ‘Lately, all that had changed’.

“She felt disconnected, rhythmically not in-sync with the universe.”
I don’t believe you need to hyphenate ‘in sync’.

“Emptiness and loss now fill her soul.”
I’m not sure I agree with emptiness being described as filling something. By definition, emptiness is a privation of filling. I would suggest ‘After a period of loss and troubled reflection, her soul was left empty.’

“ She knew now where her path led, she knew now what the universe had been trying to tell her, she knew she had to go home...the music box was a messenger of time, a thread she must follow no matter what she found on the other end.”
The first sentence above contains two comma splices. Replace the commas with full stops (periods).
I’m not sure I like this use of the ellipsis. An ellipsis can also be used to indicate a pause for thought, and can be especially useful in direct speech. I’m not sure it adds anything to this sentence though. As ‘the music box was a messenger of time…’ is an independent clause, I would give it a sentence of its own by just placing it after a full stop.

“Then she met him...and Darby learned quickly there are often more questions than answers.”
Who is ‘him’? I don’t know how I’m meant to feel about this. You need to give us a little bit of information about ‘him’ so that we know whether to be frightened, excited or apprehensive about her meeting him.
I would phrase this as so:
“Then she met Bob, an evil alligator farmer who was plotting to kill her, and quickly learned that every answer leads to further questions.’
I have created an imaginary character to take the role of ‘him’.

“She found just how out of sync the universe could really seem...memories she couldn’t explain. Memories of places and times and people that she knew weren’t her memories...”
I would say ‘she found OUT just how…’
‘…memories she couldn’t explain. Memories of places and times and people that she knew weren’t her memories…”
These clauses aren’t complete, and I think you’re over-using the ellipsis.
I would write this as:
‘Memories arose that she could not explain, of places, people and events—memories that were not her own.’
Or ‘… of places, people and events that she knew she had never seen before.’

I hope that you find this helpful.

David Southam
Author of The Keeper of the Sightless Eye

I think this chapter is a lot better with the revisions. The one thing I would point out is you use Darby too much. It almost makes it sound like a third person kind of thing. I would think about replacing it with her or she or something like that. Other than that, I loved the revisions.

I will definitely be watching this book. I did find some punctuation and grammatical errors, but the essence of this book is great. I can't wait to read what happens next!

Linda;

Your revised chapter 2 is absolutely lovely!

I feel like you have picked up the pace; there is more rhythm and variation in your sentences and structuring. You make your points snappier, without losing any imagery and descriptiveness. This draws the reader in more; and makes them feel like they're in the scene. I like how you have even made some sentences quite short - this mimics human thought, indeed. Because when we think, (or at least, this is what I think!) I find thoughts to be erratic. Flicking in and out of the mind. The mind does not function 'linearly' but is such a complex, shifting, alive being in itself! I think you are capturing this very well now. As a reader, I feel like I'm inside Darby's head. And I'm not being told this -- I'm simply invited in; called, beckoned...

You use some great stylistic elements to enhance your writing; particularly loved the repetition of 'The universe, her universe' had turned upside down. Great emphasis.

Shaping up nicely. Excellent building of tension, and a truly captivating story!!

All the best
Cara

i agree with cara below. really good foundation, just trim the details and speed up some of the actions. you an do this too and increase the intensity by choosing the write action verbs...
j
what every woman should know

Hi Linda

Yes it's a lot better and I can see the changes as I engaged a lot sooner.Just a small suggestion, I would separate the prologue and chapter one as it seems a bit too long (I had the same problem). Anyway good job, highly starred.
Susan

This book is by far one to watch! Improvement has been increasing exponentially lately. Just a little bit of trimming, a little more polishing... and I can really see this doing well!

What I hope for... just a small cut back on some descriptions and a tightening of the action; so that the reader starts to crave for more instead of being immersed in all the detail immediately.

Right now I'm indulging in the whole 'chocolate cake'. But give me a tiny slice, give me a little waft of those baking aromas, and I'll be salivating.... hungry and in NEED of more!

All the best with this, :)

Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction

Your writing is very good. The story flows well and at a good speed.
The idea for the plot is rather different and the whole meeting the lady, who said she would meet a man and all of the stuff; isn't my cup of tea.
However you do tell a good story.
Your title and pitch are interesting, which draws the reader.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Linda, here are some of the detailed comments I promised, that I hope will help you in your edits : ) Please excuse my brusque/abrupt language, and feel free to take or leave anything – you are the author!

All the best!

(Prologue): “She was woken from her slumber by a soft tapping on the window pane. Sleeping had been difficult over the past year, and even the light drizzling of rain against the glass was enough to stir her.’ –makes more active and less commas/breaks to interrupt flow

I’d recommend doing this for a few other sentences – read over each sentence and ask yourself: Does this flow well? Does this sound natural? If there is anything awkward there – even the slightest bit – think about how you can rearrange/reorder/restructure. Always try to keep in mind what the subject of the sentence is. Don’t confuse yourself by having too many subjects. Make sure the verbs always fit right and it can’t be confused that you’re actually referring to something else… make sense??

Also suggest to try and mix up the tense/voice a bit – see how you say she is ‘turning’ to the clock… then ‘climbing’ out of bed, ‘making’ her way out…
You can mix this up; sometimes ‘she turned’ other times ‘climbing’ etc… It adds some variation and makes the reader feel less overwhelmed by ‘ing’ words.

You make a great connection between reader and protagonist. It is excellent that you start by showing her grief (and also through the sleeplessness) BEFORE you go on to talk about her family. This is great – always make sure that the reader identifies first with the protagonist/character you are focusing on – and only from there build up the background. Well done for doing this here.

Paragraph beginning ‘Recently her life had taken…’ next sentence should have ‘had turned’ sideways to match the tense. Although, I would recommend using a different verb, like ‘had shifted sideways’ – because you have ‘turn’ in the previous line, and want to avoid repetition.

Para ‘Out of desperation…’ this sentence reads a bit wordy. Also, recall my previous comment about sentences and subjects. You shift from focusing on advice, to the friend… and so then when we go back to the advice she took and went to see the psychic, the impact of this second sentence loses its effect…
Instead, if you wrote “Only one of her friends had stayed by her side throughout the storm of her suffering, constantly trying to help. And out of desperation to escape this haunting feeling, she had finally taken one piece of advice. She had gone to see a psychic.”
See how this way, we go from focus on friend and waft into focus on treatment. Whereas before, there is a back/forth movement.

The psychic; “she HAD asked” – past tense

That’s all for the moment :) once again, hope I’ve been helpful!!


Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction