The Bethlehem Fiasco

Finally, some action after weeks in the desert...40 days and 40 nights...
The cover...stands for the loneliness of the hero, plus it's set in the desert. The colour matches the sandy heat within the story (not the temperature but the underlying angst against faith, belief and organised religion).
The times and places at the beginning of the chapters are no longer in the finished product.
Those people who are upset with what I write should look at their life and realise they are a slave to something which doesn't exist.
Those who bothered to read the whole book (which isn't here, u gotta buy it), have said 1. it's fantastic, 2: better than the 1st, 3. why hasn't it been picked up by a publisher yet, are they crazy? Yes, they are.

I think that the cover is rather dull. My suggestions would be an angel at the switchboard or holding a phone, or Michael pricking his finger on his sword, and a speech bubble with *!@^ in it !

The year following 1BC was 1AD, as roman numerals were used then, which do not contain a 0. But I think you can get away with 0AD.

Some people might be upset of you making fun of Herod ordering the killing of baby boys, but this is usually 'sanitised' of nativity plays.
Chapter 6 is the best, when we come to the reason for the fiasco, with Jesus accidently swallowing a drop of Michael's blood.

I think that the cover is rather dull. My suggestions would be an angel at the switchboard or holding a phone, or Michael pricking his finger on his sword, and a speech bubble with *!@^ in it !

The year following 1BC was 1AD, as roman numerals were used then, which do not contain a 0. But I think you can get away with 0AD.

Some people might be upset of you making fun of Herod ordering the killing of baby boys, but this is usually 'sanitised' of nativity plays.
Chapter 6 is the best, when we come to the reason for the fiasco, with Jesus accidently swallowing a drop of Michael's blood.

Quite like what I've read so far.
It reminds me of a cross between Monty Python's Life of Brian and Purple Ronnie's book of Creation (which I used to have many, many moons ago). The Purple Ronnie book started with God playing drums and eating curry!
I like the different slant you have put on to the creation, then the Nativity scene - especially the wise men being outlaws hiding from Herod. Not sure how some religious people might take this though as they might get offended.
Some good humour in there, but needs looking at for a few typos.
Nice one!
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

The Pitch: It doesn’t really capture the feeling of the book, and is kind of dull. I like the idea of “unreleased papyrus scriptures” but that’s not really addressed in the story anywhere.

My other comments are just overall comments because I really liked this book. I’d pay full price for this book, and recommend it to others.
I laughed from the beginning until the point where I finished at chapter six.
Besides being funny, I think the dialog flows well.

Just a few things I noticed:

Chapter Three:
The dialog tags got a bit confusing here:
“Was he the son of God?” Gasper spoke up.
“He had a…certain something, your Majesty.”

I think “Gasper spoke up” should be with “He had a…”

Chapter Five:
This line seems straight out of Finding Nemo, “ Are you…are you my conscience”
“What? Oh, right, Err…yes, yes, I am.”
Not saying you plagiarized it, but that's what I thought about when I first saw it.

You also have a typo or right after this.
“So noe Jesus did with full confidence” Noe, should be now.

hi Dani,
A BHCG review (plus I promised to take a look so it won't actually follow the BHCG outline)

This reminded me greatly of Monty Python's Life of Brian. I hope that's deliberate. I'd be careful about heading the scenes the way you do, because the "Jerusalem, Date, Around about tea-time" is exactly what they do and I don't think you want to be accused of plagarism.

Obviously a first draft - typos, punctuation hitches, and something weird going on with your text in the latter chapters (grey writing for some of the back-and-forth). Easily polished.

The dice game - I was completely lost with this scene and it might have put me off (other than the fact I promised to read through for you). And I also wasn't sure why you jumped to the crucifixion and then back to the start.
I'm not up on my Lucifer/Satan references and always thought they were the same person...obviously not!

I like the feel of this but I think you need to sit down and read through it carefully. Some areas have been written to be clever but sometimes you're aiming to be too clever, I think. The comment about books needing to find a publisher will go down well on Authonomy but wouldn't mean a thing to Joe Bloggs, average reader.

There's a lot of potential with this one. Take your time, read through it and work out what's story and what's you wanting to slip in a jokey comment/aside. Don't rush the scenes (I know you like writing short scenes, as do I).
Best of luck with this one, Dani.
Stacey

Well written with flowing dialogue creating the scene. Am interested to see how it continues. A different slant to a well known story - but be careful you don't tread on tender toes!

I was hanging around looking for something better to do, and found this book, wishing the light was better, and started to read it, then started to laugh a great deal, kept reading and laughing a lot more, after reading all the chapters and wishing there were more, decided not to throw it away, instead put it in safe keeping on my shelf. Their Lordships Monty P would be well pleased with this.

Portraits Of A Small Peasant.

Comments for The Bethlehem Fiasco.

Cover – I think you need a better one to entice people to read. You’re probably aware that Bradley Wind pulls these out of his silicon hat like a magician.

Short Pitch is pretty good.

Long pitch promises good times ahead. I’d break it up into two paragraphs though. You might need a double, or even a triple space to achieve this when you edit.

C1

Time: unknown (?) Well, it’s the beginning, isn’t it?

Who would do the voices for these two? I always like the bloke who narrated Paddington Bear, personally.

Yes, an endearing and silly start. Endearingly silly, in fact.

C2

Missed capital on ‘Nauseus said to jesus.’

Not too sure what’s going on with the dice game. It might be down to my lack of a religious education.

C3

Really liked this chapter, especially the introduction of Michael.


The only thing I’m questioning here is the order of the chapters, going from the crucifixion to the birth of Christ, especially as C4 appears to continue chronologically.

It’s also fair to say that a strong familiarity of the Christian faith is needed to get the best out of this book. It’s a light and breezy read with just the right amount of silliness, you don’t overcook things and you keep the narrative moving along swiftly. I await your dissection of the Koran with sadistic glee. Highly starred.

Dani,

Nice, clever, witty, light and imaginative!

Warrick

Hi - This is a BGH crit.

SP - Works ok.

LP – wasn’t sure this worked because of the ‘true story’ tag – until I copped the comedy tag. Then I hit the hobgoblins and all was well.

Chapter One

I wasn’t keen on the (formerly known as Reginald) tag, because it seemed like it was trying too hard to be funny. I didn’t see why he was formerly known as Reginald instead of god. I think it would have worked better had the overlord just thrown it into the conversation and called him Reginald, or Reg.

I didn’t like the line ‘he held his head for fear of it falling off due to indifference’ – again it seemed to working a little too hard, and since they are asking questions, and sniffing around, they are clearly not indifferent in any case.

Also wasn’t sure how, if they didn’t know what a ‘light’ or a ‘button’ was, how they would be so familiar with a cup of tea, a kettle or a lease. I wanted it to be one thing or the other to stay ‘believable.’

Chapter Two

You repeat the bit about hanging on a cross in the two paragraphs relating to it, you don’t need the ‘after being in the company…… hanging on a cross..’ because you’ve already painted that picture just before.

The dice game was good. Like the soldiers.

Chapter Three

Hitting your stride now, more natural. Like this chapter. I’m not sure about the sort of Essex speak of Mary, combined with the ye’s. The soldiers were a bit that way too, but I’m getting used to it.
I liked ‘…Giving things away? We’ve only just stolen them!’
You have a typ here – ‘shepards’ – should be ‘shepherds’

Liked Gertie having been on duty for a few decades.

Chapter Four

If the men were incarcerated, they would be locked up, not kneeling in front of him – perhaps ‘shackled?’
‘Those whom stole from me were…’ isn’t right. It would be ‘who’ in this case, the men being the subject.
Liked the beaurocracy involved in killing all the poor babies – very funny, and the final plan to make it easier by only killing those who go by the name of ‘God’s son.’

Chapter Six

Funny. Enjoyed the idea of making a chair out of sand.
Typos – ‘What?’ His conscience was teling him….’ - ‘telling.’
‘Sugered almonds’ – ‘sugared.’
‘His adrenlin level…’ - ‘adrenaline.’

Chapter Seven

Thought this was funny – ‘Is he in delivery?’
Typo – ‘Sword. I’m confiscating your sword….. which by all accounst…’ – ‘accounts.’

Chapter Eight

Typo – ‘sugered’ ‘sugared.’
Love the conversation with the switchboard – What is your position? Sitting… Are you on the surface of the planet? Etc.

Liked the hobgoblins with their monkey on the line, and the conversation with the bemused Satan.

Rather liked the bit about the books having already been written, ready to start the unforgiving task of trying to find a publisher!

Chapter Nine.

Typo – ‘derrier’ – ‘derriere.’
Liked ‘Jesus tried to look more peaceful.’ And the whole scene at the border. Funny him rubbing it in the sand to ‘age’ it, and clearly so easy to forge. Very funny.

Plot - a good plot likely to appeal
Characters/isation - well drawn characters
Dialogue - Realistic, funny dialogue.

Okay. Read it all now – any more coming? I enjoyed the read, and hope my comments were useful. Anything you don’t agree with, just ignore, of course. They are only the views of this one reader.

very interesting and original...
j
what every woman should know

I can say that I love this. The first chapter automatically takes me to the second! I must find out how the explosion went. Very good humorous work. Keep it up!

Three chapters in and totally different from what i was expecting, in a good way! Well done.

I've just read the first three Chapters, and I loved it. Watchlisted, rated highly and waiting for a spot on my shelf alongside your other book :P

Very strange, didn't register my comment!
So here we have a new and cataclysmicaly different view of the Bibble or was it bubble!
Irreverend quirky and fun.
Well-written and easy to read.
This will go down well with some, anger others.
Are you sure you know what you're doing in that respect?
Switch on the light. What's that?
Good read and funny.
Backed.

You have got to be kidding me! Same style as your first, Dani, with an old story tuned upside down! Rated high and backing! Great job! I'm waiting for more. I know what happens at the end, of course. It's the middle part which intrigues me.
Julia